This is the end

I feel like blogspot has lost its sense of community. And I've lost my interest in posting here. I have a new journal at Live Journal, and I am happy to share it with anyone who wants the url, but I wont be posting it exclusively here. (And so no, it isnt the soakemsuper journal, I've locked every entry on that from the public)

If you want the url and can be bothered, just email me a request here; soakmesuper at gmail dot com.

I know I've done this before, but this is definitely final.

Jess

Talk about boring...

I always open this up feeling like I have some things to talk about and once it's open, I think ... meh. I have nothing interesting to talk about -- I really don't.

I'm sick again. I have had to take a week from my work placement. I will begin again on monday for the last week. Thankfully it wasn't a sickness that lasted more than a week, which I suppose is something very new and different for me.

Mum and I are going to a concert tomorrow night. It's the first thing I've been really excited about in awhile.

I ran over a cat on Sunday and I am still feeling relatively traumatised by that, especially since I had just made the comment earlier that morning about how much it would scare me to ever hurt an animal in my car. I don't think that I killed it. There was notihng I could have done -- it bolted out straight from the road and under my car. I slammed my brakes but it was still too late. I saw it out my rearview mirror bolting away in to someones yard like a rabbit. I guess I didn't hit it too hard, but I know I hit it. I pulled over and cried for 10 minutes and sobbed down the phone to my mum before composing myself. I then went to look for it, I couldn't find it so I knocked on some doors and finally just told this old couple what happened. They were lovely and helped me feel better about it all. They told me that they would alert their neighbours who own cats.

I haven't driven my car since. :( I feel sick just thinking about it.

Still haven't registered for WYD08. I still don't know how I feel about it.

I'm frustrated over a couple of relationships in my life. As much as I've prayed about it, nothing ever gets resolved and I can never establish my true feelings about it all. I go back and forth all the time.

Anyway, that's enough of that.

You'll hear from me soon.

World Youth Day

I went to a world youth day meeting tonight. Can I just say, my goodness.......... I have never felt so overwhelmed or as nervous about something in such a long time. Why? Why did I feel that way??

Is this for me?

Is this what I'm supposed to be doing?

Hmm... The whole thing... I felt so nervous talking to people I had never met, introducing myself to someone I had met once before thru another friend...

It was hard...

Why?

New placement

So I start the big job today.

Four week intensive, 7 hr shifts, 5 days a week. I'm quite excited and confident about it. There are a few reasons as to why.

The ladies that I will be working with are much older and more experienced than my regular part time position at another center.

It is no secret that I seem to level and feel much more comfortable with people who are middle aged and over. I don't know why, but I find it very easy to chat. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I've never really spent too much time with people around my own age, but rather adults and have always had to deal with adult situations -- but whatever it is, I am at ease and felt really confident and happy about the center that I've been placed in for the next month. I think and hope that it will be less structured and more relaxed than at my casual job.

It's so easy to immediately have favourites when working with children. I always get sucked in by the overly-affectionate, clingy children who follow my instructions and do as I say. In saying that, I have a soft spot for the children with behavior "problems" ... mostly because co-workers label them and make no time for them... I am always looking for a solution or a reason for their behavior.... There's a particular boy at my casual job that I fell in complete love with. He was so adorable ... but very whingey cos the other kids wouldn't play with him... but he was entirely lovely and affectionate. That's the best part about my job...

I love children....I really want to figure out what I can do after this course, what will be best for me.

Have I found spiritual enlightenment?

I think I have finally truly understood the necessity for Daily Prayer. I have understood it's importance and how spiritually fulfilling it can be especially when my soul feels weak.

I was always so scared of prayer because I felt like I wasn't doing it "properly", or that my petitions to God Almighty weren't important or worthy. Or, sometimes? Honestly? I was just pure lazy.

But isn't it funny that I can pick up my phone and dial my friends and talk to them for hours? But yet, I hardly made time to talk to God.

Isn't it funny that I can dedicate more than an hour a day to a Michael Jackson fan forum, surfing and discussing the latest and greatest updates? But yet, couldn't open my bible and read one single passage?

I have been posting over at the Catholic Answers Forum, learning about my faith, asking questions and partaking in general conversation in regards to the Church. Unfortunately at the moment I used up all of our download limit so I have been pushed back to dial up and it won't load.

That's okay, I have a heap of work to do. I am so behind. I am in the middle of loads of Data entry and I really don't have much time for anything else. But I just wanted to write this quick update before I get back to it.

I am feeling very, very good. I think I may have also found a temporary solution to my illness issue in time for work placement next week. Ha, so much for enjoying my holidays!!!

P.S Anyone reading this from Italy? I need a copy of L'uomo Vogue. haha Yes. Need.

Engaging in prayer

I have been engaging in heavy prayer and reflection for the past 24 hours and it has marked such a shift in my mood. I know it sounds dumb, since it's only been 24 hours, but it really has made a difference. I have been keeping my focus on God.

I feel more well. I have better spirits.

Two nights ago I had an extremely high-strung argument with someone that I had for the past 9 or so months, considered a friend. Not necessarily a great friend, but a friend all the same. Someone who I have bent over continually backwards for - I have given her my unconditional friendship, I have invited her to stay at my house when she was having family problems, I have offered myself as a cab service dropping her off and picking her up when she's more than 15 minutes in the other direction. I have loaned her my belongings, helped her consistently with homework and essays and even completed dual assignments mostly on my own without her help and allowed her to take credit. I expected (and stupid of me) that just once she could extend her compassion to me during my time of need.

I was very, very wrong. In fact, quite the opposite occured. I was devastated by it, though I don't know why I was so surprised.

You see, back in June just days after I had had her at my house whinging about some family conflict (which I honestly don't think was even that big of a deal) I felt like I was kind of close to her ... and I had a doctors appointment where he had delivered me some pretty heavy news. I was really quite shocked by it and for a couple of days I was sad and needed some comfort. I turned up to class one day and couldn't keep myself from crying. She noticed, she said not one single word to me. She asked for a ride home, I complied. When we were alone in the car, despite how hard I tried, I sobbed to the point it was actually impossible for her not to notice -- she said not one word to me, but rather looked out the passenger window and pretended not to notice. I just shrugged it off and thought that maybe she had no idea how to approach me, but I'm sorry -- sometimes people crying makes me uncomfortable, but regardless, I would put my hand on their shoulder and say, "Are you ok?" at the very least.

But no. She mumbled a thanks as she got out the car and really hasn't acted the same with me since.

We had a huge fight the other night. Basically it resulted in her showing absolutely no compassion for my position. And that in effect, gutted me. But I don't know why. She's been inconsistent with me since day dot. I think the whole surrounding situation just set it off.... but anyway. I decided to end the remnants of whatever friendship we have left. I will be polite of course and never rude, but I won't go out of my way for her since she's made it so abundantly clear that any friendship we could have is always going to be strictly upon her terms.

Oh well.

I will pray for her to learn better methods of communication with people and for her to find compassion for others.

Where have I been?

I've been around... but I guess it's boring to keep blogging about the same thing. It's really the same thing every week. I'm sick. I'm sick. I'm sick... I'm still sick. There's really not a lot else to add.

I haven't been in contact with a lot of my friends, basically just whoever happens to pop on msn... I don't have the energy... My Dad is in Thailand; I'm missing him more than ever at the moment.

I need to rid my life of so many traits that I have come to seriously abhor and hate myself for... gossiping, bitching, selfishness, self-indulgence, my language... Succumb to slippage... just really .. blase about the way things are turning out at the moment.

it was so much easier when i was with my dad... i had a life, i had friends, i didnt constantly feel so isolated and distant and ... just so blah.

so if theres any ghost souls reading this, sorry its not more interesting. i should have found 101 languages to say "im sick" ... could have been more interesting.

Sleep, interupted.

I'm trying to rest up as much as I can. This means putting my exciting concert weekend on the backburner because I don't think it's a good idea to go out in to the night air and also because I have been sent to the nebuliser every 4 hrs. Great.

So, four times I have dozed off this afternoon and do you believe that each of those 4 times I was awoken by the phone. The first time by SMS, the second and third time by the home phone ringing and fourth time by my mobile ringing. The good news is, is that the fourth call was from a guy who needed my bank details so he could pay me for a design that I've done for his website. Yay. We like money.

It must be nice to be a dog. My dog has been asleep next to me the whole afternoon while I've been tossing and turning and stirring and trying to rest. She lifts her head every now and then to belch in my face, and believe me... it's really quite potent and disgusting.

I'm sure she giggles to herself on the inside.

Woohoo.

SO...lol, I'm sick again. Damn tonsilitis. I'm starting to think that I may have to have them removed? I have had tonsilitis about 5 times since the beginning of the year. I am yet again without the ability to speak. Some may think that this is a blessing. Mostly I'm annoyed because I am missing out on classes and because I can't lay down for more than a few minutes without having to spring back up to muster up the lung capacity to cough everything up. I hope it clears up by the weekend, I have a concert on, darn it!

I didn't break the new computer that I bought (surprisingly), but I did actually take it back because it turned out to be a heap of crap with lots of hard ware conflicts. My friend's loverly husband is in the midst of making a new one for me, building it from scratch.

My latest addiction is facebook.com ... I love it. It is a great time waster.

Oh and the assignment that I posted down below? The advertisement for the television commercial? Yeah? well I got a distinction for it :)

xxxx

Exhaustion abounds, pt 2.

So here's a funny little story.

On monday I applied online to a child care agency with my friend Laura. I thought, this should be fun. I'll just see what happens... at least we were registered and who knew? Can you imagine my surprise when during class on tuesday they called Laura? Well, despite the fact that I was happy for her, I was a little disappointed that they hadn't yet called me. I figured it was because I answered some of the questions differently (like; no, I cannot lift a child 20kg or more! And no I would not be available to work every single day.) Then I joked that her surname begins with R and mine begins with T, so dur, of course they'd call her first.

And not 20 minutes later, I received a phone call. I got a date for a job interview on wednesday. They asked questions like if I'd be willing to obtain a first aid certificate (it's part of my course but we haven't got to it yet.) and if I was studying a dip 1 or just a certificate qualification (I'm studying dip 1, it's actually a higher qualification involving program planning and all.) and the woman doing the phone interview was lovely which helped. Then, almost ruining it all, she dropped the bombshell that the job would be at the same place I worked on job placement back in May. (Remember, the place I had to call in sick to almost every single day for 2 weeks because some snot nose gave me one heck of a chest infection + tonsilitis and just about anything else that came with it???)

Ok, don't panic, I thought. I just shrugged and thought oh well, I was legitimately sick and I think they realised it. I would have just hated if they bitched about me after I left, cos it seemed like that type of place sometimes. So I went for the interview on wednesday and I was asked to bring all of my ID, my bank account details and such... so I thought hmm, could be good? The director didn't remember me, but I explained who I was with a bit of a joke, "Remember me? I worked here on placement.... oh, you probably wouldn't remember, I was sick 97% of my time here." ...and we all laughed (like the end of a heman episode, lol) and the edge was taken off it.

We talked a bit and I filled out some forms and I gained the idea that she was pretty much happy to take me on as a casual "call-in" staff member (to do relieving duties or to fill in when others are sick) she said she'd send all my paper work back to head office and to come back with a copy of my study time table and my tax file dec and I'd hear back probably to see what happens.

So that was exciting. I went home feeling so confident about it. Then thursday my friend received a phone call from the centre as she is my working reference. She is a child sleep specialist among many other child-related talents, lol. And she gave me one heck of an amazing reference before her phone chugged out and they didn't call her back.

And on friday (yesterday) I had a day off from college --first one in ages and I figured that I'd get all kinds of things done, like go to the bank, drop off some post, study all day and work on assignments and of course treat myself to a sleep in no earlier than 10:30am.

Well.

I woke up at 8 and couldn't go back to sleep. So I laid in bed with my dog and we watched the Simpsons (her favourite is Homer too. I know, she told me.) and my Mum comes racing in to my room with her mobile phone and said it was the childcare centre. I was thinking huh?? Why are they calling Mum? So I answer gingerly, wondering wth was going on. It was the director in a bit of a state, "Jess are you able to work for me today? I have just received all your paper work so you are ready to go if you want to work." ... Of course I jumped at the chance. (And just to explain, she called my Mum because she didn't have my phone number, lol and my Mum's number was written down on the illness' form I'd filled in.)

So I worked yesterday ... my first day as a childcare worker. The pay is really good, I was pleasantly surprised. And the time went really fast. And the kids were so adorable. I had heaps of fun... most of the staff were fantastic as well. I just need to learn some positive management skills when it comes to discipline because I found some of the older children trying to test me to try to see how far they could push me -- I need to learn to be super confident in diffusing situations cos children can smell fear haha like animals, and I don't want them to walk all over me.

Anyway, so look at me go, I'm a childcare worker, officially! Thank you Jesus for answering all of my prayers. :D

quick update.

job interview with childcare centre today. went perfect. probably have a job in the industry before i am even qualified. yippee.

have a new computer.

went to an awesome party with a bunch of friends on saturday night.

have 2 huge assignments due tomorrow morning. had no sleep. very tired.

friend dropped a massive big one on me about something that happened to her a few weeks ago. im still shocked, more about it later.

im going to sleep.

its been an amazing and blessed week but really feel like Ive got no time to breathe recently.

ah well, ill mull over that later.

may god shower every person who reads this with an abundance of blessings.

all my love,
jess

God is awesome.

I know I haven't written much on my blog lately --it's for two reasons; a; my computer blew up very literally and my laptop is a heap of crap that freezes and buggers up every half an hour. and b, because I've been really busy with my studies. Yep, I found the motivation I needed to work through everything. I basically turned to God, I found my inspiration. I found a new friend, I feel fresh -- I feel stronger in faith and I feel a mostly happier.

A friend of mine is going through some personal turmoils and I have really just dedicated myself to being there for her and facilitating her time as well as I can to alleviate some of her stress. I have realised how much this means to her which spurs me on more to be there for her and to be more giving of myself to the others around me that I love.

In other news, I wanted to share this video --- it is a commercial that I made in light of an assessment I had about child abuse. Basically, I cleaned up lol. I made this commercial using one of my close friends as an actor, and using other stock sounds for effects. It is supposed to portray a children's service -- so I made it and presented it to my class and teacher in DVD format and I am very proud of it, not to mention I am confident that I will receive a good mark.

So here it is :)



Also, I don't have mono / glandular fever / the kissing disease. It took awhile for my throat to heal up, but it feels a fair bit better today and yesterday. It still hurts a bit but I'm it will be okay. :)

And Mum and I are planning a trip to Sydney on the first week of September.

I'm interested to know what everyone thinks of the video, any how... so please let me know by blog comment... May God shower an abundance of blessings upon you and I will come back and post here in the next few days.

Miss all my blogees like mad.

Throat infection, singing, and procrastination.

lol, as usual, I go to bed with good intentions... and wake up without them. I've still failed to do much of anything. Why isn't that surprising? ... As I said to my friend today, I just ... well, I dunno.. I'm finding it so hard to give a shit -- about much. I miss Sydney, I miss my friends, I miss my Dad so much I can't even express. I miss Sharidan too, she's been overseas since March and she's pretty much my only true friend out here... I hope September will come soon.

On Sunday during Mass it came to my attention that I was having some problems opening my mouth too wide, (not that I generally walk around with my mouth agape, but yawning and eating, etc.) and my throat hurt a lot on the right side. I ran around the house telling anyone who'd listen (4 dogs and a cat and my Mum) that "OMGZ I HAVE THE KISSING DISEASE! [glandular fever]" ... only, I haven't shared drinks, kissed or shared saliva for oh, quite some time. It continued to hurt, hindering my ability to swallow normally for the past week. So I went to the Dr today, nevermind that I had to wait almost 2 hrs to see him, and he checked my throat out and apparently it's filled with pus! Yum.

Nasty throat infection. Let's now pump my body full of anti-biotics and see how it goes.

Still haven't found a decent doctor out here. and even the Drs that they say are "good" aren't as Mum and I call them, "real" doctors... I am thinking I might make an appointment for my old doctor closer to the city and save these cereal box drs for when I have to have cold / flu related check ups.

I was going to talk about my classes today, but I realised I can't be bothered and in fact, instead of doing home work, leisure work, or even any reading. I'm just going to go to bed.

I got the biggest part of heaven in my life.

I keep typing things to write about, and I wonder why I'm having so much trouble trying to find something to say. I guess, I had a bit of post-Sydney blues. It happens, especially since I truly didn't get to spend any time with my Dad... After not seeing him for 7 months, I could have spared him a week from my socialising, but as usual -- I seem to act selfishly in the moment and regret it with everything, afterwards. I saw my Dad for one night and he seemed a bit let down that I wasn't staying longer... I wished I had.... Oh well, it's over with now.

Every now and then I get a bout of depression. Praise God, it's hardly the same kind of despair and rock-bottom sadness as the kind that used to encumber me back a few years ago -- but, sometimes it's distant relatives creep up on me and bring me down a couple pegs. I didn't want to go back to college last week. I wanted to quit. I wanted to go to bed and sleep off the sadness. I couldn't really motivate myself to do anything that needed to be done.

I had an assignment due today which, when I received it, I was a little excited about -- but for some reason, I let time pass and didn't bother with it. I misread the calandar, I thought tomorrow it was due, so I figured I'd use monday to get it done, because the places I had to obtain info were closed for the weekend. Half of me was screaming angry that I left it to the last minute-- and the other part of me, just didn't care... I'm not even going to bother with my defense... I had plenty of time to do it, I just didn't. I couldn't even use the arguement that I have a load of other work to do, because even as true as that may be -- I actually haven't started on much of that either. I worked most of the holiday in Sydney making a website for a very successful Australian business... I used a lot of the time I had planned to do my assignments on that -- but it's still not an excuse.

And I want to go to uni after this course? Laughable, considering I'm peaking it about THIS workload... My course is pretty lenient on not handing things in, my teachers are understanding and take other class loads in to consideration. Uni is much more demanding and not so accomodating of cheesy excuses -- so I had to make the decision... am I going to do this half-arsed? Or am I going to do this properly? .... So, I made a list of everything that is due, everything that is overdue, I will go to my teachers on wednesday, and figure out something and let them know what's going on. I will make sure I have done absolutely everything that needs to be handed in, and really just start pulling my head in and doing it.

I don't want to be a half-arsed carer, I want to be good at my job...

I got home tonight and started organising all of my work, I fixed up my work space and got myself organised. I have a day off tomorrow, and I'm going to do everything and get it all finished and prioritise a whole lot better.

Here's to an end of procrastination.

God Bless.

Something that sets me apart.

Firstly, I am back. I will be looking to find all my blog friends and catch up with them over the coming days.

I have been gone just a little under a month. Can you believe it? Let's just say that I was a little relieved to get home. I have had an interesting last few weeks... fun, up and down, very busy and lots of laughs.

I just wanted to say that... I had been struggling a lot with a certain male friend of mine that I had written about a few posts ago... and I spent some time with him while I was away, and I came to realise a few very important things about the relationship that I have with him. One of those, is that, any hopes for romantacism between he and I above a silly-joke level is simply just a fantasy in my head. It will never happen, on his part it is harmless flirting, harmless kisses, harmless affection, despite the fact that it leaves me wishing and hoping like mad for a boyfriend exactly like him -- well, him.

Another thing I realised is that, I thought I was special to him... and I mean that in a romantic, slightly-more-platonic way -- only to realise he treats other females exactly the same. This doesn't make him a bad person, it just makes me a fool for thinking that I could be in love with a best friend who doesn't even bat for the same team. What the hell was I thinking?

I have really deep feelings for him, but I have resigned myself to the fact that it's never going to make a difference to him. He'll always love me as his little Jess, the one who laps up his physical affection like a happy puppy, who dabbles in what appears to be playful flirting.... and when it comes to the nuts and bolts of it, someone who he can trust and tell anything to... and that's all.

See... I'm so cynical when it comes to the opposite sex... why bother? I have this ridiculous running history of falling for the wrong guy... the "safe" guy who will never be in a position to reciprocate my feelings because they are either involved with someone, completely unattainable and living on the other side of the globe or ... gay. And I'm sure I do this in a feeble attempt to not get hurt -- only, I still always get hurt...

In a nutshell, I'm stupid.

I'm on holidays

Oops, I neglected to tell anyone that I was off on holidays for a little while. I am in Adelaide at the moment and on the weekend I will be heading to Sydney for a week and a half to see friends and also my Dad. :)

I will be back very soon! sorry for not posting anything for ages.

xxx

WYD 08 - RECEIVE THE POWER

If you want to hear the World Youth Day song by Guy Sebastian and Paulini Curuenavuli, then click this link

It can be found on the right hand side of the page on the "media centre" ... The song is beautiful. I really think they made a good choice. I've listened through a few times, and really can't wait to get a copy of it.

I'm interested to hear what everyone thinks.

Exhaustion abounds...

Something struck me this afternoon as I sat down to finish off my homework. I no longer feel a searing pang of resentment toward my course each morning when I awake. For so long I woke up feeling really heavy, as though I wanted to just call up and say, "I quit. I don't do mornings." ...

And now it's just routine. Sometimes, I'll admit, I'm a little shaky on the whole, getting up early thing. I have recently become worse at it because I have a lot of things to do every night, but never the less, I don't wake up and give myself 20 good reasons as to why I should not go to classes that particular day. Progress, no?

I do know that I am absolutely exhausted much of these days and the holidays, my friend, cannot come quick enough. I start my holidays on wednesday and am as broke as hell and still need to pay for a few things. My mum's birthday gift, my best friend's birthday gift and more. and not to mention bills.

I have been having a huge debate with a baptist over the past few days as I previously mentioned, and I decided I've said my peice. I had to be careful about being too caught up over being "right" rather than just passing on God's word... but I think I answered him well, with the help of a lot of my old comments thanks to the lovely Antonia & Carmel =)

Some amazing things happened today, but I will have to write about that later because its after midnight now and I really need to catch some zeds.

I hope everyone is extremely happy & are having a blessed week. :)
xoxo
J

How do I explain.

I have been having a huge debate with an Evangelical Christian about being "saved" vs. coming to Christ through Catholicism. They said...

"you're catholic right? Did you know that Jesus said that "unless a person is born again they cannot see the Kingdom of Heaven"?"

How can I explain (because I am scared of misrepresenting myself) the reasons why baptism cleanses us and why Catholics will also see the Kingdom of Heaven? So far, it's been a pretty fair debate... and this is the first time the person has brought up the fact that I'm Catholic, so was just wondering if someone can help?

[edit]Far out... this person is going for it. How exactly, would I answer this without having to lose my freaking mind?

but you do realize that the catholic church goes against things the bible says and they also have made up many things themselves. The catholic church doesn't even teach salvation which is why Jesus came and died.

I'm tempted to leave it as it is, but I don't want him to assume victory just cos I haven't responded.[/edit]

Temptation.

Warning: This is not a post that reflections me as a nice, Christian person, lol, that's for sure. Please don't think any less of me upon reading this lol.

I have a lot of amazing people in my life, a lot of really good male friends who all love me and respect me. One male friend in particular causes me a lot of grief. He's such a lovely guy and I have been friends with him, I guess I could say, for years now. I don't want to go in to it too much because I'm afraid by some chance he might find his way through here, by way of my email signatures or something (then again, knowing him he'd be too lazy to read the lot anyway, lol!) but there's quite a few years age difference between us ... and over the past year I have probably become a little too infatuated with him. There are two problems with this. Firstly, he doesn't share any of my beliefs, ideals or any deep-rooted values -- and secondly? He's gay. Well, I think. He labels himself as that, but there are other things making me wonder if that's actually the case.

We went to school together, and went on to study technical education together, but have become really close over the past few years. And let me just be blunt? He's one of the hottest guy I've actually ever seen, and I don't classify myself as a particularly superficial chick, but it's just the case.

The problem is, is that I find him a massive temptation. Despite the way he has labeled himself, we have moments together, and there have been instances where I know if I agreed to just go with it, all my beliefs would go flying out the window. We joke about being married, having a relationship, having children, but you know what they say about jokes? Beneath every laugh that there's some truth? When I saw him last there was a moment between us that actually left me a bit dizzy and giddy with feelings for him, and I knew that it was beginning to be a problem.

I avoid going to his house alone these days because each time I do, things happen and the temptation is harder resist there than it is anywhere else, but I don't like the way my feelings for him always fluctuate between having an affection for a good friend or being infatuated with him. I'm sure that there's an element of manipulation from both of us on a subconscious level. I think he goes through confusion with what he wants and I'm sometimes his way out. As for me, I like the idea that I can have someone who loves to act as my boyfriend, who is affectionate, cuddly and always there to stroke my bruised ego when things go wrong, but who doesn't really expect much from me. (Well, that being said...) It was bugging me, so I confided in another Christian friend who told me it was dangerous ground and likened it to "friends with benefits" (I hate that term)

I got really angry and very firmly stated my case. How could it be friends with benefits? We're not having sex. But now that I think back to it, it's basically the same thing isn't it? I'm getting something from him, sometimes physically, may not be sex but it's the same level of physical affection (kissing, etc) and security, and feeling of being needed -- and he's getting something from me, physical affection -- security, and the ability to be able to pretend that he's not actually gay.

I definitely do not want to do away with this friendship at any cost because despite all the above he has been one of my most supportive and generous, considerate friends that I've ever had. I just need to step away from temptation because I feel like sometimes I stand on the line of it with him.

I never, ever, ever have had a problem in the past saying no, or resisting temptation when it comes to the opposite sex at all. And when they've tried to make me feel guilty about it, I've shrugged it away and told them it was their problem (even if it broke up my relationship) -- so why is it such a big deal with this guy? Why do I find him so hard to resist?

Moral dilema

I was invited to a 21st birthday party of a girl in my class. Funnily enough, this is the first party I have been invited to literally for years. How did I manage to make it to the "cool" group without even trying? All those years in early high school, I wanted to be regarded as "cool" or the one that everybody laughs with about silly jokes. I am the one now that everyone involves in conversation, a person that people tell things to, includes in jokes and so on. Yet, it's funny because it's really not that great. While I really like and appreciate my new set of friends, I recognise that they will probably never be the kind of friends that I would tell my deepest, darkest, personal secrets to.

Anyhow, flattered by this invite, I am -- but I'm unsure if I really want to attend. I sort of obliged by telling her I would come, but the girls in my class who are going are organising to all get a cab together so that they are able to drink and are organising to stay at a motel for the night so that they won't have to drive drunk. (At least they are being safe.) Also, we all decided we should put money together and get her a more expensive gift rather than lots of little ones. Do I drink? Well yes, sometimes. I drink a little bit of wine or champagne occasionally, but I'm honestly not into the whole "getting really plastered" part of it. Partly because A, I don't really know these friends very well -- and B, my body is really rather adverse to alcohol in large quantities (isn't everyone's?) ... so I really don't want to be a party pooper, but I'd like to drive my own car there and back. I hate being in situations where I cannot find my way out of. If I attend this party and it turns out to be just another masqueraded orgy as has many a party I've attended in the past few yrs, then I'll be wanting to leave immediately. If it turns out that I am comfortable and want to have a drink or two, I will be happy to stay at the motel, but I don't want to be trapped.

And then, they decided they wanted to put all our money together and buy her something from a sex shop.......? Okay, I'm not really a prude, but I don't really want to promote my friends' pre-marital sex lives. Sure, I won't judge what goes on behind closed doors and I'm not an idiot, I know out of a lot of my friends, the only one who isn't having sex, is me -- but that's my choice -- and it's also my choice not to want to contribute to someone else's desires to engage in sexual activity. They can do what they want, without me putting money in ... for what? I am scared to ask. I don't want to know what exactly it is that they plan to buy and I don't want to know exactly what it is they do in their bedroom.

So yep, happy to go to the party -- don't want to go as a group for fear of being trapped, and secondly, don't want to buy a friend a tacky gift from a sex shop -- would prefer to buy her something meaningful. What to do, what to do?

Guess who's back... back again...

Yeah, I always come crawling back to blogspot when greymatter turns extremely gay on me. Remember when blogspot was paying me out back a few months ago? Well, I downloaded Mozilla Firefox and that served as a final solution to a seemingly endless problem.

So here we go... When I was at releasing-magic.com I sort of swayed away from too "over-the-top" Christian posts... and now I wonder why? I know I am not ashamed of my beliefs, but was I trying to gear my blog more toward secular people and didn't want them to lose interest for sharing Christianly views? Was I afraid of what my friends would think? Hmm, not sure. However, I decided that it was ridiculous, especially because I've refocused on a lot of things in my life; The Father Almighty in particular.

I have been reading my bible quite often lately. It's funny, actually cos for awhile there it started getting thick with dust. I started questioning a lot of things while I slept in on a sunday morning and stopped going to weekly Mass. I felt a bit spiritually dry and needed awakening. Because I had been so sick (and still have the remnants of the chest infection) I felt really weak -- and it's funny how easily we fall victim to the evil voices when we're experiencing tough times. About 4 weeks ago now, I woke up around 9am with all intention of going to Mass. Then I thought, "You're too sick, go back to sleep, Jess." and I went back to sleep. I woke up at 10am (Mass begins at 10:30am) and I faffed around for 15 minutes without coughing once. I was just walking around the house aimlessly feeling a bit cocky, "Yep, I slept in......now I'm going to waste my morning doing sweet nothing." ....and I had this sudden feeling of guilt come over me-- like, how can I expect God to be there for me if I won't even turn up every Sunday to look at him?

I got ready for church faster than I could have blinked. I sat down in my favourite pew in less than 15 minutes. (Thankfully my church is maybe a 5 min drive) right as the Mass was beginning. And I decided along the way, that I had to make a choice to start living up to my obligations and promises in order for Jesus to continue walking with me -- that He is not the one who continually turns me away and to do everything in this life possible to glorify Him and to praise only Him and to turn to only Him when things are awry.

I haven't missed Mass since. I have been heavily interested in my bible, and I have been praying about things and thinking about Him constantly and feel Him with me constantly giving me warnings each time I am about to fall to temptation.

And let me tell you, I haven't felt such sweet relief for so long. I will hopefully become more involved in church as the weeks come.

Lastly, I am feeling mostly better -- I am attending my classes again. I have a million things on. I am not going to throw my course away, I am going to trust that THIS is what Jesus wants for me and if it isn't, He will find a way to show me that eventually-- but after careful consideration, I feel He will sustain me if this is what He wants for me.

So... help me

I'm going to buy a domain and have my own blog at my own server... but I can't really seem to choose a name...

i used to own
storyhero.com which was my favourite domain ever... but now its taken.

i also own
justonelung.com but i use this predominently for a collective and i dont want anyone to google me and find my blog on that domain.

i want something pretty, that encompasses my personality, be it a play on words or something like that...

i tried to get watchmefly.com but it's taken.

i want something slightly whimsical, I like disney, peter pan, neverlandish, 90s pop culture, michael jackson song lyrics, something funny, pretty, simpsons quote... oxymorons, etc.... Rent (musical)

any ideas??

other suggestions have been
thedailyjessticle.com
so-gangsta.com
yourbesthomie.com

I have been really sick in the stomach for the past few weeks but today I've finally felt so much better... Haha, I'd give more details but it's one of those ... overshare things.

Anyway, I'm gonna go back to the drawing board about this... any ideas, comment!!!

So sleepy

This is possibly the latest I have been awake since I've started school. I am so ridiculously exhausted, but I want to use my weekend wisely and try to get as much done as I can before this weekend is over.

I am off to see my little gorgeous Caro on sunday. I am pleased about that. I will make a concerted effort to take some pictures of us.

I have like 4 or 5 big assignments to do, and I want to try to get at least one and a half out of the way tomorrow. I have to read a fair bit...

I feel a bit clucky after this weeks lessons. We learned a bit about pregnancy and giving birth and the way the mother's body works to accomodate her child's natural needs ... and apart from being a little grossed out at first by the look of breast milk (with chunks in it!, but that was til I found out it was only chunky cos it had been just defrosted) I thought the whole process seems so amazing and beautiful.

I really would like a family. But first, I need a husband lol. Any takers? haha.

Praise be to The Almighty

Ash Wednesday Mass was beautiful. It was a beautiful and reverent service. There was plenty of time for silent reflection and prayer. I remember a lot of Mass that I went to leading up to my confirmation last year as being just a little daunting with the constant whispers in my ear telling me I was making the wrong decision and Catholicism was just "works" and not enough "faith" (LOL!) ... I followed through with it though despite what everyone else around me tried to suggest because I felt like I was being guided to the Truth.

I don't regret a single moment. In fact, I have become, over the past four or five months, very rich in faith. I am growing strong and more amazed by God every single day. I have been given the most amazing graces over the last year that one could not just put down to coincidence or fate. God is with me every single moment, I feel Him, I hear Him, and I see Him through other people's actions and other people's works... And I pray every day for God to use my voice to speak, to use my mind to help me consider and think purely and graciously, I ask Him to use my body to show me where He wants me to be, to move, to act -- and to hold my hand, to guide me and to never let me leave Him (I know it will never be Him to let go and walk away, but me, letting go of His Holy Hand and stepping off path.)

I spoke the other day of my car dying. I was upset about this, but I kind of expected it for awhile. I did however pray for a resolution to the new problem I'd been presented with (how will I get around, now?) I asked for God to do as He saw fit with my situation, to take the concern and worry from my mind and just keep me motivated and faithful that a better plan is ahead.

No joke, after Mass my Mum picked me up and we went to the mechanic to see what was going on with my car. Basically my car is ready for car heaven. He offered me $1000 for it (for parts) and then said he had been working on a different car (and showed us) and offered to take my car in return for the car he was going to sell, and I would pay him the difference of $1000. The new car is 1000x better than my car. He also offered a 6 month warranty and is going to make it 100% roadworthy. It has a nice, clean interior (man, I really should take photos of what the inside my pigstye of a car looks like! LOL! It's such a trash bag). It has air conditioning (woo!) new tyres, a 6 cd stacker (we know how much I love my music), it has power steering, it goes well on fuel, it has secure locks, an alarm, etc... There is nothing mechanically wrong with it and if we have any problems with it, he promised that he would repair it free of charge.

He is doing this because he just spent awhile repairing my car (after a different mechanic took $1100 from me to repair it, and it broke down just 2 months later) and feels terrible about it and so he's going to do this just to help out as much as he can. The reason I came to know this man was because he knocked on our door with a car problem and needed to use something from my car in order to get his going -- and I decided to help him just on face value. I decided that if the situation was reversed, I'd want someone to help me ...

So... here we are. I should have the car in about 4 days. Also I have a whole heap of data entry work coming up which should pay for a chunk of it. The rest is being advanced to me from my Mum and my stepfather.

Thank You Jesus.

Bah humbug.

When bad things happen, I always avoid facing them. I pretend that they haven't happened. If it's something that I will have to inevitably face, I'll wait til the very last second to start thinking about it.

Today my car died again. I had a feeling something was wrong with it when I drove it home yesterday. It sounded funny, and tonight I felt like something from the supermarket so I got in and listened to it for a few moments and it sounded dodgy, and I drove about 200 meters down the street and the oil light started flashing and a weird smell came from under the bonnet. I pulled over immediately and called my Mum. She sent my stepfather to come and have a look, and indeedy there was a problem, a long trail of oil streaming out from beneath it. So now once again, I am without transport.

I don't want to think about it, and obviously it's inevitable since I have classes at 9am tomorrow morning. My Dad just sent me $150 to help me with some books and things for classes, but besides that I'm pretty much dirt broke. I have no money to fix the car, no money to find another car and absolutely no other options. The way the oil is streaming from my car makes me think it's probably something pretty dire.

I'm a little bit sad I guess cos everything has been going so wonderfully lately and I know that we always have these little things to test us, but this is a pretty big deal. I was so used to having my independance back, and just in the middle of saving up for insurance coverage and wahhhh. Something else that I need to spend my money on. It's just a bit depressing. I feel like I have way more than I can handle right now in terms of debt.

I guess I'll let my Mum contact the mechanic and see what he says. I need to just pray that it's nothing too huge and can be easily fixed, because I really need my transport right now. :(

God Bless,
Jess

Sunday Scribbling: Crush #47

I've never been the type of girl that falls in love, falls in lust, falls in crushhood too easily. I joke about having celebrity crushes -- but even those crushes have all had so much in common. The celebrity crushes I hold consist of good-hearted, good-spirited, good-natured, caring, positive role models, possibly for myself and/or people who don't want to worship your regular Britney Spears and Paris Hiltons.

When I do feel like I have a crush on someone, I don't ever make a big deal of it. I get through it, I realise that most crushes are usually temporary and usually the fantasy is better than the reality so I leave it at that. Falling in love with someone is completely different -- when a crush blooms to love (which has only ever happened twice for me) I don't really know what to do about it. I am not the proactive kind of girl who enjoys the chase as much as the catch; I like to sit back and brood over it. I've only ever once told a boy how I felt about him, and that was met with extreme ridicule and I never ever did it again.

My ex boyfriends both made the first steps and admitted their feelings for me and I reciprocated both times. It worked well.

Quite a few years ago I met a boy, back in 2002 -- he and I shared the same interests the same everything for so long. I had a crush on him so deeply and I know he had somewhat of an interest in me, but I never knew how to act on it. He was a deeply religious guy, we used to talk on the phone for hours and hours and I convinced myself that no boy would want to chat to me for that long unless there were some kind of reciprocal feelings. I am a hopeless flirt -- I can't do it, I can't read flirting and it makes me highly uncomfortable when someone does flirt with me. He spent a lot of time with me, telling me his insecurities, his loves, his fears, his hopes and dreams and I was completely taken by him.

But, I just could never tell him how I felt. So many times I began writing a letter, so many times I began writing emails. Sometimes I even tried to bait him to know how he regarded me. Through the process of our ... friendship, might I call it ... he became even more religious, which at the time, I was sort of clinging to because I had a lot of things going on and his spiritual talks kind of comforted me in a backhanded way. (I just didn't know it at the time.) But one time he said something in regards to God that really freaked me out (which when I think about it now is laughable, cos it wasnt in the least bit scary.) and I stopped calling him as often and our conversations ceased to almost nothing.

I realised shortly after, that I really missed him. I spent a lot of time crying over him and in 2004 we were back to being friends again. I invited him to my 21st birthday party and he promised he would come. He called me on my actual birthday, and he said he was coming to my party. I hadn't seen him for a really long time and I was really holding on to it with everything. I had it all worked out in my head that I would totally be ready to tell him my feelings. He text msged me the night before asking if it was okay if he brought someone with him and I said it was. But I realised it was probably going to be a girl. I was devastated over it but kind of shrugged it off and tried to convince myself that I'd have a good time anyway and it would be nice to see him -- but then, he just never turned up.

He never apologised, never contacted me, never even told me why. I didn't hear from him again until I got back from the USA in May 2005. We talked briefly, and have sent very few text msgs since.

On my 23rd bday last year, he sent me a text... and I started thinking about him again... I called him not long after... obviously a lot of things have happened in between then and now, and I am very much over him (despite the fact that it took a really long time. I never quite forgave him for the 21st bday incident, I was a little heartbroken). I told him how I used to feel and told him how disappointed I had been in him for forgetting me and sending me pathetic txt msgs once in awhile that he didn't even respond to ("Hi how are you?" "OMG!!! SO GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU *pants like a stupid naive puppy and wags stupid tail* HOW ARE U!! I Am GOOD!!! Tell me what youve been up to!!!!" "Cool. Good to hear you are well" WHAT THE HECK MAN!!!!) .. He tells me he never had any idea but I think that's an excuse.

And so I don't bother really with silly crushes, cos you always get your feelings hurt, really -- or they are as fleeting as the giddy rush you feel when you talk to your (in)significant other. I hate the effect being in love or having a crush has on me, it's almost a loss of control and a loss of reign on your emotions and I'd prefer not to feel like that.

I'll keep my crappy celebrity boyfriends, thanks!

http://sundayscribblings.blogspot.com

Oh, Happy Day!

I am really full of joy. I know that this may sound a little strange, but I want to talk about it anyway. My diary is packed, and I mean, I have no time for anything but strangely this is a really satisfying thing. For the past few years I have really been yearning to be so busy that I would not have a single moment to myself. That I would either be studying and/or working and going out with friends and keeping up to date with responsibilities. That time is finally here.

I have been at school five days a week (it's full time, 9am til 3:30pm) for the past 2 weeks. I have assignments, I have practical work to start next week where I am required to spend the day with a 2 year old little boy to play and observe and to get started on my year's major assessment. I have lots of text book readings. I have web design jobs (yes, plural!) I have paid data entry work to get started on this weekend (I was given tomorrow off since there was a mess up in my time table, yay!). I have RCIA meetings once again as of next wednesday night. I am interested in starting some new volunteer work (but I will wait for another month just until everything settles) and I've got all my weekends booked until the middle of march. (I have kept this weekend free because I may need to arrange to meet with a woman from church and help her with her computer issues and also my car need some more repairs which thankfully has been paid in advance.)

I am absolutely loving my course thusfar. We are delving in to a bit of child psych and my text book isnt nearly as dry as I expected it to be. I have started realising little things about myself and my own childhood and experiences that shaped the way I am now. I am truly thankful to God because I trusted in Him and persisted in prayer for the past year and a half for Him to continue to guide me where it was that He wanted for me to be ... and never in a million years did I expect that I would be some day working with children... but here I am. And I love it and I know I will be great at my job and I am really excited about becoming a professional. I never thought I would be so excited about this either, which is weird -- cos I'm usually not the enthusiastic kind.

And it's interesting to learn and find out that the judgement that kids make upon each other isn't at all their own, it's more directed from the things around them what they pick up from their primary influences and after looking closely at children's developmental profiles I kind of recognise that children who say nasty things don't at all ever understand the ramifications of their words... I really believe that understanding that will be able to undo some of the grudges I've kept close to me for a really long time about certain people for certain reasons.

Anyhow, I've been watching, seeing, talking about and thnking constantly about children. I'm currently reading this book called understanding children, which I am finding fascinating. I've learned a lot in such little time. I have a feeling this year is going to fly.

Another amazing thing that happend to me last night / today was that I got a couple of messages from this awesome hip/hop /R&B singer that I have really loved since I was about 14 or 15. He left me a valentines message and another few comments on something else. I was pretty darn stoked!! It made my night/morning (I say night/morning cos I saw the first msg before I went to bed and more when I woke up.). I am such a lucky & blessed girl. :D

I need to go to bed now because it's 10:30 and I am exhausted (seriously, I've turned in to such a grandma, but I know I could never function on five hrs sleep these days.)

"Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." - Matthew 19:14

My Mum.

Every day my Mum makes me two sandwiches to take with me to school so I don't have to spend any money on anything at the disgusting cafe where the only healthy thing they seem to sell is salad rolls which are so much more fresh and enjoyable if you just made one at home.

Anyhow, I think it's a really sweet gesture since I don't even ask for it. :)

God Bless.

Our Lady Of Lourdes

In 1858, in the grotto of Massabielle, near Lourdes in southern France, Our Lady appeared 18 times to Bernadette Soubirous, a young peasant girl.

She revealed herself as the Immaculate Conception, asked that a chapel be built on the site of the vision, and told the girl to drink from a fountain in the grotto. No fountain was to be seen, but when Bernadette dug at a spot designated by the apparition, a spring began to flow. The water from this still flowing spring has shown remarkable healing power, though it contains no curative property that science can identify.

(I wanted to post this yesterday, but unfortunately I couldn't log in!!)

I've had a nice weekend. On Sunday I went to a beautiful Mass. You know when there are just some services where you walk out feeling really fulfilled? This weeks Mass was that for me. I was early for once (I'm not usually late, but I normally sit just before Mass begins -- but this week I was almost 25 minutes early) so I had plenty of time for reflection and prayer. Afterwards I met a nice man who introduced himself. We got talking briefly and decided we'd talk more soon. He is a former Jehovah's Witness who is eager to learn more about Catholicism, attend Mass and maybe go through the RCIA program.

After Mass, a lady from my congregation wondered if I could help her learn to use Email and the internet since she is 78 and was having some problems remembering what to do. Despite the fact that I had a lot to do, I figured it would be nice for us both to get together and so I opted to drive over after Mass and help her out. I intended on staying for just an hour or so, but I didn't end up getting home until almost 5:30pm. I didn't really mind at all, she's very sweet and very typically old. She is the second person that I met from my church congregation and has really gone out of her way to help me in every way that she can, so I really felt like it would do me no harm to extend some help.

After I showed her as best as I could how to send emails, she wanted to show me photographs and magazines and things and relayed stories of her Pilgramages through Europe and it was very interesting actually. She showed me a couple of recent brochures about Pilgramage trips and how they work and it left me with a huge, "hmmm" feeling. It might be something I could consider in the future. So many beautiful places to visit.

I kind of punked out on asking my Dad for some financial help because... I hate asking for starters, and secondly, I know my Dad isn't in the best financial position at the moment. I basically just need help paying for my text books, but thankfully, my friend gave me some data entry work that will make me some money ASAP and I have that aforementioned web design job coming up. I am really all over the place financially at the moment, but I'll pray for something to come my way.

Also, gosh, although I'm very organised, I am so bad with time management. Like, chronically bad. I find it so easy to procrastinate even the simplest things. I have had so much to do this weekend like I said. I needed to do some reading of the textbook that I did manage to buy and I needed to clean and do laundry, and start some of this data entry. I needed to update a website that I haven't really spent a lot of time on for a bit. I also really wanted to make some time to do some of my own leisure reading -- and I got the majority of it finished late this afternoon, but there's still the reading, and the data entry that needs to be done.

I need to find the kind of peace where I can't be distracted. And you know, I'm not at all the busiest person at all, I just know how to waste time very, very well. Does anyone have any tips for me as to how to get around being so distracted and procrastinating?? It will be the end of me as I know it! haha.

P.S The Guy Sebastian concert at Crown Casino last weekend was absolutely amazing! I had the greatest time all weekend.

Until later,
God Bless!

Whatcha gon' dewww...

I have prayed a lot over the past few months for motivation, for the ability to be able to leap out of my bed and having something to feel good about. Over Christmas I spent some time with my Dad and my extended family all of whom I haven't seen in years. I was anxious about spending time with my family because they'd want to know what I'd been doing, what I was planning to do and would look down on me if I came up with nothing. Or at least, that's how I felt.

It took an incident between me and a friend of my father's to reinforce that nobody blames me for what was and has been taking place in my life. I had been talking with my Dads partner and my step sister about my future plans when the friend jumped in and looked me up and down with disgust and told me that there was 'nothing wrong' with me. This friend doesn't know me, really from a fly on the wall. She doesn't know about my medical situation and she doesn't know anything about my history (which a lot of it is even safe-guarded from my parents) with anxiety and so on. Even if she did, it was certainly not her place to lay down judgement. I had been so shocked by it and not only that but a scathing comment that followed as she got up and left the room. I was so hurt and appalled and not to mention discouraged that I must have spent the whole afternoon sobbing in my room at my Dads. I was scared to tell him what happened cause I felt like just maybe he'd agree with her.

The next morning my Dad and I went for a drive and I couldn't hold it in, I burst in to tears and told him everything. I told him what she had said, what I felt people were thinking or would think. I told him how I felt about myself and how much and how hard I was trying to change that view, but I needed the encouragement and the gentle push, not someone judging me who most certainly had no idea. We talked for a long time about it and he just assured me that he knew I was going to be fine, I would find myself in due time, and that he was always behind me no matter what -- that whatever anyone else thought or said mattered not at all.

Then what happened was relayed to my grandmother and my aunt and after 3 days of staying with my Dad, I spent the time at my aunts holiday house with my cousins, uncle and grandma. We all had a good talk, and I realised that no one else besides the friend held that opinion of me at all -- that whatever she said was said because she was obviously trying to draw out my flaws to cover her own. The experience was a huge revelation to me because I realized I have so many people pulling out for me, who care about me so intensely and want to see me get ahead. I expected so long for someone to just get me there -- but I could only really do it myself. Knowing that everyone is behind me, friends, family, church, God -- It's so much easier to find the motivation to wake up every day with a feeling of, "I can do this."

I am doing things now, small to some, that I never thought I would find the energy or the ability to do. Every day I exercise for an hour on an exercise bike, I haven't eaten "junk" food since Christmas, really. (I have my moments, I'm not like healthfreakd up or anything). I don't remember how long it's been since I picked up a glass or can of coke. My skin is so clear right now (I know, I know, can you believe it??) I feel motivated. I don't get the feeling where I want to crawl back to bed right after I wake up and hide away from the world. I'm also slowly but surely getting my web design portfolio together. Recently I've had an influx of professional jobs that I've been working on (3 in the past 3 months) and my friend put me on to yet another one last week, so later in the year hopefully I will be able to get more of a business underway to help out around the sides.

I don't even feel as anxious socially. I'm still not ridiculously social, but I don't feel like vomiting all over myself each time I enter an overtly social or crowded environment. I've rekindled friendships that I let stray. I make all the time in the world for God, something that I previously found difficult to do....

And basically I'm happy and I don't doubt for one second that it's all to do with the fact that I've really put all my trust and faith in God. In the end, He's always there for me to see me through.

Tonight I was actually supposed to restart back at some RCIA meetings, just to be involved in something on wednesday nights, but I'm so tired and I don't think I can do it this week, but next week I'll be there with bells on. :)

I am off now to get ready for yet another day tomorrow. I forsee a regular sleeping pattern coming soon.

Thank God.

I'm going to shine. :)

Hi there out there in bloggerworld...

I think I finally got all my stuff sorted out with blogger. I converted to a new template to see if that has anything to do with my issues here. We'll soon find out, I guess!

So here's whats been going on in my world -- it's been so long since I've given a proper update. Firstly... I have been so blessed over the past few months and praise God that under his close and complete direction and guidance I have been taking a lot of the right paths and choices and that have ultimately steered me in the exact spot that I wanted to be in for years.

I was accepted in to a course 2 weeks ago that I applied for early in December. I was given the impression that my acceptance would be sheer luck because I didn't apply in the appropriate way (I was confused and called for help so the coordinator invited me in for an interview after I told her just how serious I was about getting in) ... but I found out that I was accepted after a really difficult (imo!) interview ... furthermore, I was told the other day that they knew they were going to accept me in to the course before I even left. Praise God, man... It was something that I prayed hard about, asking for His help in guiding me and making it all happen if it was His will.

Basically it's a study of Early Childhood, from ages 6mths to 6 years old (I think), the course outcomes will provide me with the qualification to be a daycare teacher, to care for younger children, to work for family services or to go on further to become a primary school teacher. I am still unsure of which path I'll take but today I got my full year time table which is great because I can know exactly what I'm doing, when I'm doing it. It is easier for me to plan my year, to try to get work and all of that stuff.

Earlier I mentioned that I won a trip to Sydney late last year and so last week was that trip. It was fantastic. I had heaps of fun. Originally my Mum was supposed to come, but she decided at the last minute that she didn't want to (which messed me around majorly, thanks Mum.) so instead I asked another friend and we had a really good time. Although the concert was fun, I think the actual stay in Sydney, hanging about in the city and bumming around our hotel room laughing at how we'd been messed around the whole trip... it was fun. Lots of funny things happened which I think will probably last as private jokes for a long time. Including, spotting a certain winner of a certain reality tv show boasting about how he would be swimming in a "sea of panties" to a friend... *rolls eyes* ... and funnily enough... he was mostly unapproached all night hahaha.

So everything is great. I mentioned some months ago some things that were going on with my family such as my Dads gf having cancer, my brothers problems and such -- but both issues have been completely resolved, Praise God. My brother is doing so much better, I am so happy about that because it was causing my whole family a lot of stress. I have to keep praying about that though, it's something that will affect him long term if he doesn't keep his socks pulled up so to speak. My Dads gf has been given the all clear. This took a double amount of stress from his shoulders and so Christmas and after went smoothly. My Dad just turned 50 this weekend. I spoke to him kind of briefly but he seemed so happy :) We talked about my course and I don't know when it was that my Dad was this happy with me and proud of me... I really feel like (although I am excited and hugely interested in this course) I am doing a lot of this for him and for the Glory of God... I want both my Dads to be proud and happy with my good work, everything that I do, I owe to them both.

I just realised over the past few weeks that I have some really, really amazing and encourging people in my life. It's sometimes easy to get caught up when you don't sit back and take stock now and then, but I had this ultimate moment over the weekend after the kindness of a good few people (the least likely, I might add) where I just was like, "Wow... I am so inspired!" ... I know that sounds so corny, but it's true... I came home Early sunday morning (after being to a concert at crown casino that night) thinking... no, knowing that I have a lot of people who have really pulled out for me... Who have helped me along and encouraged me when I felt like my life was kind of futile.

There's one person in particular who just believes in me whole-heartedly no matter what I do, no matter how I feel, who always always always manages to make me feel so worthy. While some people extend encouragement but have reservation and interior doubts, this person I know wholeheartedly BELIEVES that I can achieve and be anything I want to. And indeed, this time I will shine.

I start classes on wednesday. I will be back to blogging here as normal, hopefully!!! So please keep checking back and I will be back to business keeping updated on all your blogs and ongoings!!!

Lastly, a very close family friend of ours was just diagnosed with breast cancer. My dad tells me its really bad and her outlook isnt that great, she has to have a full masectomy -- this is quite a shock to everyone... I've been praying about this since I've found out now, but I especially would like to ask you all who read this to extend your prayers and thoughts to her and her wonderful family.

The Lord is close to all who call on him, yes, to all who call
on Him sincerely. - Psalm 145:18

Blogger issues

I've tried to update this so many times, but I have logging in issues.

My Mum is buying a web hosting package for her business, and so I'm going to bum some space off of her and have an independant blogging site because this is so ridiculous.

I can't even comment on anyones blogs unless I try fifty thousand times to log in. The logins always time out and stuff. I thought it may have just been my pc, but it does the same thing on my Mums.

DARN YOU BLOGGER BETA!!!!!!!!!!!!

... Anyway, you'll be hearing from me, some time soon. I would use my jol.com domain but I'm keeping that for my collective and portfolio ... and I'd rather not have people access it with some of my more personal info on it.

So anyway, as soon as I get it all up and running I'll be sure to inform you all. (Also this way I can track the IPs to prevent further harrassment of the gutless twit who keeps posting under an anon name.)

Please know that I'm thinking of you all :)

BBS!

xoxox
God Bless!

Yeah, here's a substantial entry

So I got back on January 4. I was apparently supposed to be staying longer in Sydney and staying less time with my father, but as it turned out (as usual) planning went a bit pear-shaped. I was supposed to leave my Dad's around the 30th of December and spend the New Year with Penny, but she got sick, but actually, I was having such a great time with family, that I couldn't really bring myself to leave yet. So I stayed longer until New Years Day.

I went to Valan's and spent the night at her house, then with Louise one night and then until I left I stayed with Penny. I got sick on New Years day (what a way to start the new year lol) and ended up doing really nothing with Penny and Louise except sleeping and watching movies. I missed out on catching up with most of my friends except the three above because of time constraints. I really expected to stay longer, but my Mum offered to drive up to pick me up from Sydney (also because Louise was planning on coming back) and she had to work on the 5th, so it was either go or spend $120 on a plane trip... and well, we're trying to save money here!

I'm just recovering from the illness now, it wasn't anything serious, but I can't shake the man voice lol.

I took Louise to the airport this morning, she went home. It felt like she had been here for so much longer than she was. We had such a good time (well I did, I hope she did too) we went to see in Pursuit of Happyness with Will Smith last night and it was brilliant. I loved it, but I did cry like a baby through most of it. I have a soft spot for Will Smith. The movie was really good, I can't believe what an awesome little actor his son is (who plays his son in the actual movie) ... it was really heartbreaking. My only complaint was that during the movie this woman kept turning to stare at me each time I coughed or cleared my throat (and it wasn't very often! and I kept my mouth covered!) ... I wanted to turn around and say, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry, is the fact that I have a slight little cough impeding on your movie, which by the way, is so loud that it drowns me out?"

People are so rude. If I was having major coughing fits right in her ear, I could understand. At one point, I almost turned and asked her what her g-o was... It's like I have a sign on my head that says, "glare at me, I deserve it!" ... on the train home from taking Louise back today these two old women kept staring too. It makes me feel unsettled lol.

Anyway, I'll be back with regular updates.
xox

Hey everyone, I'm home

I'm back!!!

I had the most awesome Christmas and New Year and now I am home in Victoria, but I have a friend here with me from Sydney until friday. I won't write a proper update until then, but I have lots of pictures and nice things to share. For now I will leave you with a simple picture of my good buddy, Louise and I.

:) Thanks everyone for your lovely comments. I will read and catch up with your blogs as soon as the week is over!! Also a special thanks to annonymous who never fails to keep me uplifted with her beautiful and encouraging comments! ... :P