Firstly, I am back. I will be looking to find all my blog friends and catch up with them over the coming days.
I have been gone just a little under a month. Can you believe it? Let's just say that I was a little relieved to get home. I have had an interesting last few weeks... fun, up and down, very busy and lots of laughs.
I just wanted to say that... I had been struggling a lot with a certain male friend of mine that I had written about a few posts ago... and I spent some time with him while I was away, and I came to realise a few very important things about the relationship that I have with him. One of those, is that, any hopes for romantacism between he and I above a silly-joke level is simply just a fantasy in my head. It will never happen, on his part it is harmless flirting, harmless kisses, harmless affection, despite the fact that it leaves me wishing and hoping like mad for a boyfriend exactly like him -- well, him.
Another thing I realised is that, I thought I was special to him... and I mean that in a romantic, slightly-more-platonic way -- only to realise he treats other females exactly the same. This doesn't make him a bad person, it just makes me a fool for thinking that I could be in love with a best friend who doesn't even bat for the same team. What the hell was I thinking?
I have really deep feelings for him, but I have resigned myself to the fact that it's never going to make a difference to him. He'll always love me as his little Jess, the one who laps up his physical affection like a happy puppy, who dabbles in what appears to be playful flirting.... and when it comes to the nuts and bolts of it, someone who he can trust and tell anything to... and that's all.
See... I'm so cynical when it comes to the opposite sex... why bother? I have this ridiculous running history of falling for the wrong guy... the "safe" guy who will never be in a position to reciprocate my feelings because they are either involved with someone, completely unattainable and living on the other side of the globe or ... gay. And I'm sure I do this in a feeble attempt to not get hurt -- only, I still always get hurt...
In a nutshell, I'm stupid.
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6 comments:
No you're not stupid! Pray for the right man..i'll join you..
God bless
I've been praying for awhile, I should persevere with it. Thanks mate =)
Hey, Jess. I know this isn't going to help at all, because it certainly didn't help me when people told me this, but I had the same exact problem. All my life. I was the chubby friend. Always got along with guys really well, but to them I was just their good friend. It was rough, especially with my best friend who I was infatuated with for SIX YEARS. I sat back and watched as he seemingly dated anyone and everyone but me. It hurt and it was hard, because I truly cared about him. I think I always knew that I was never meant to date him. I never fell in love with him, that much I know -- it was just an extremely strong infatuation. Which, hey, was ok, because I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't date until college, but I held out hope that he remembered that and was just waiting until college to ask me out. But then I met my boyfriend, someone who I just talked to and absolutely wasn't looking for a relationship with. I didn't want any of that to happen, but it did, and it was scary because I fell quickly for someone I didn't even want to fall for. And it was scary, because the really strong feelings that I had felt for my friend and for other guys? It made all of that seem like absolutely nothing. I've written a lot of seemingly meaningless personal stuff, but what I'm trying to say is, that as much as this really, really stinks? You'll be thankful for this period of suffering, because it'll help you recognise once you've found what you've been searching for. And what's more, you'll appreciate it that much more. It's a long, scary, tough road, but I promise you that it's one worth taking.
Hi Lindsay, thanks so much for your beautiful insightful comment. It's so funny, cos everything you described... I'm always the good friend that the males befriend to bridge to the hot girls... I've been in love once before and it ended pretty badly -- and then there's this... I am not in love with him, but it could easily head in that direction if I continued to entertain the notion of being with him.
I really appreciate what you have written. I'm glad you found someone special. :) I hope I will too!
xxx
I have every confidence that you will. It's just that, at our age, a lot of boys aren't necessarily thinking long-term and especially not that big scary word "marriage." Once they mature a little bit and realise that you're the kind of girl they want to bring home to mom & dad and the kind of girl that they want to come home to every day (and, trust me, you're that kind of girl and they want that -- they just don't know it yet), they'll be slapping themselves on their foreheads for having not noticed you earlier, but they WILL notice you.
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