Whatcha gon' dewww...

I have prayed a lot over the past few months for motivation, for the ability to be able to leap out of my bed and having something to feel good about. Over Christmas I spent some time with my Dad and my extended family all of whom I haven't seen in years. I was anxious about spending time with my family because they'd want to know what I'd been doing, what I was planning to do and would look down on me if I came up with nothing. Or at least, that's how I felt.

It took an incident between me and a friend of my father's to reinforce that nobody blames me for what was and has been taking place in my life. I had been talking with my Dads partner and my step sister about my future plans when the friend jumped in and looked me up and down with disgust and told me that there was 'nothing wrong' with me. This friend doesn't know me, really from a fly on the wall. She doesn't know about my medical situation and she doesn't know anything about my history (which a lot of it is even safe-guarded from my parents) with anxiety and so on. Even if she did, it was certainly not her place to lay down judgement. I had been so shocked by it and not only that but a scathing comment that followed as she got up and left the room. I was so hurt and appalled and not to mention discouraged that I must have spent the whole afternoon sobbing in my room at my Dads. I was scared to tell him what happened cause I felt like just maybe he'd agree with her.

The next morning my Dad and I went for a drive and I couldn't hold it in, I burst in to tears and told him everything. I told him what she had said, what I felt people were thinking or would think. I told him how I felt about myself and how much and how hard I was trying to change that view, but I needed the encouragement and the gentle push, not someone judging me who most certainly had no idea. We talked for a long time about it and he just assured me that he knew I was going to be fine, I would find myself in due time, and that he was always behind me no matter what -- that whatever anyone else thought or said mattered not at all.

Then what happened was relayed to my grandmother and my aunt and after 3 days of staying with my Dad, I spent the time at my aunts holiday house with my cousins, uncle and grandma. We all had a good talk, and I realised that no one else besides the friend held that opinion of me at all -- that whatever she said was said because she was obviously trying to draw out my flaws to cover her own. The experience was a huge revelation to me because I realized I have so many people pulling out for me, who care about me so intensely and want to see me get ahead. I expected so long for someone to just get me there -- but I could only really do it myself. Knowing that everyone is behind me, friends, family, church, God -- It's so much easier to find the motivation to wake up every day with a feeling of, "I can do this."

I am doing things now, small to some, that I never thought I would find the energy or the ability to do. Every day I exercise for an hour on an exercise bike, I haven't eaten "junk" food since Christmas, really. (I have my moments, I'm not like healthfreakd up or anything). I don't remember how long it's been since I picked up a glass or can of coke. My skin is so clear right now (I know, I know, can you believe it??) I feel motivated. I don't get the feeling where I want to crawl back to bed right after I wake up and hide away from the world. I'm also slowly but surely getting my web design portfolio together. Recently I've had an influx of professional jobs that I've been working on (3 in the past 3 months) and my friend put me on to yet another one last week, so later in the year hopefully I will be able to get more of a business underway to help out around the sides.

I don't even feel as anxious socially. I'm still not ridiculously social, but I don't feel like vomiting all over myself each time I enter an overtly social or crowded environment. I've rekindled friendships that I let stray. I make all the time in the world for God, something that I previously found difficult to do....

And basically I'm happy and I don't doubt for one second that it's all to do with the fact that I've really put all my trust and faith in God. In the end, He's always there for me to see me through.

Tonight I was actually supposed to restart back at some RCIA meetings, just to be involved in something on wednesday nights, but I'm so tired and I don't think I can do it this week, but next week I'll be there with bells on. :)

I am off now to get ready for yet another day tomorrow. I forsee a regular sleeping pattern coming soon.

Thank God.