Sunday Scribbling: Crush #47

I've never been the type of girl that falls in love, falls in lust, falls in crushhood too easily. I joke about having celebrity crushes -- but even those crushes have all had so much in common. The celebrity crushes I hold consist of good-hearted, good-spirited, good-natured, caring, positive role models, possibly for myself and/or people who don't want to worship your regular Britney Spears and Paris Hiltons.

When I do feel like I have a crush on someone, I don't ever make a big deal of it. I get through it, I realise that most crushes are usually temporary and usually the fantasy is better than the reality so I leave it at that. Falling in love with someone is completely different -- when a crush blooms to love (which has only ever happened twice for me) I don't really know what to do about it. I am not the proactive kind of girl who enjoys the chase as much as the catch; I like to sit back and brood over it. I've only ever once told a boy how I felt about him, and that was met with extreme ridicule and I never ever did it again.

My ex boyfriends both made the first steps and admitted their feelings for me and I reciprocated both times. It worked well.

Quite a few years ago I met a boy, back in 2002 -- he and I shared the same interests the same everything for so long. I had a crush on him so deeply and I know he had somewhat of an interest in me, but I never knew how to act on it. He was a deeply religious guy, we used to talk on the phone for hours and hours and I convinced myself that no boy would want to chat to me for that long unless there were some kind of reciprocal feelings. I am a hopeless flirt -- I can't do it, I can't read flirting and it makes me highly uncomfortable when someone does flirt with me. He spent a lot of time with me, telling me his insecurities, his loves, his fears, his hopes and dreams and I was completely taken by him.

But, I just could never tell him how I felt. So many times I began writing a letter, so many times I began writing emails. Sometimes I even tried to bait him to know how he regarded me. Through the process of our ... friendship, might I call it ... he became even more religious, which at the time, I was sort of clinging to because I had a lot of things going on and his spiritual talks kind of comforted me in a backhanded way. (I just didn't know it at the time.) But one time he said something in regards to God that really freaked me out (which when I think about it now is laughable, cos it wasnt in the least bit scary.) and I stopped calling him as often and our conversations ceased to almost nothing.

I realised shortly after, that I really missed him. I spent a lot of time crying over him and in 2004 we were back to being friends again. I invited him to my 21st birthday party and he promised he would come. He called me on my actual birthday, and he said he was coming to my party. I hadn't seen him for a really long time and I was really holding on to it with everything. I had it all worked out in my head that I would totally be ready to tell him my feelings. He text msged me the night before asking if it was okay if he brought someone with him and I said it was. But I realised it was probably going to be a girl. I was devastated over it but kind of shrugged it off and tried to convince myself that I'd have a good time anyway and it would be nice to see him -- but then, he just never turned up.

He never apologised, never contacted me, never even told me why. I didn't hear from him again until I got back from the USA in May 2005. We talked briefly, and have sent very few text msgs since.

On my 23rd bday last year, he sent me a text... and I started thinking about him again... I called him not long after... obviously a lot of things have happened in between then and now, and I am very much over him (despite the fact that it took a really long time. I never quite forgave him for the 21st bday incident, I was a little heartbroken). I told him how I used to feel and told him how disappointed I had been in him for forgetting me and sending me pathetic txt msgs once in awhile that he didn't even respond to ("Hi how are you?" "OMG!!! SO GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU *pants like a stupid naive puppy and wags stupid tail* HOW ARE U!! I Am GOOD!!! Tell me what youve been up to!!!!" "Cool. Good to hear you are well" WHAT THE HECK MAN!!!!) .. He tells me he never had any idea but I think that's an excuse.

And so I don't bother really with silly crushes, cos you always get your feelings hurt, really -- or they are as fleeting as the giddy rush you feel when you talk to your (in)significant other. I hate the effect being in love or having a crush has on me, it's almost a loss of control and a loss of reign on your emotions and I'd prefer not to feel like that.

I'll keep my crappy celebrity boyfriends, thanks!

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