Temptation.

Warning: This is not a post that reflections me as a nice, Christian person, lol, that's for sure. Please don't think any less of me upon reading this lol.

I have a lot of amazing people in my life, a lot of really good male friends who all love me and respect me. One male friend in particular causes me a lot of grief. He's such a lovely guy and I have been friends with him, I guess I could say, for years now. I don't want to go in to it too much because I'm afraid by some chance he might find his way through here, by way of my email signatures or something (then again, knowing him he'd be too lazy to read the lot anyway, lol!) but there's quite a few years age difference between us ... and over the past year I have probably become a little too infatuated with him. There are two problems with this. Firstly, he doesn't share any of my beliefs, ideals or any deep-rooted values -- and secondly? He's gay. Well, I think. He labels himself as that, but there are other things making me wonder if that's actually the case.

We went to school together, and went on to study technical education together, but have become really close over the past few years. And let me just be blunt? He's one of the hottest guy I've actually ever seen, and I don't classify myself as a particularly superficial chick, but it's just the case.

The problem is, is that I find him a massive temptation. Despite the way he has labeled himself, we have moments together, and there have been instances where I know if I agreed to just go with it, all my beliefs would go flying out the window. We joke about being married, having a relationship, having children, but you know what they say about jokes? Beneath every laugh that there's some truth? When I saw him last there was a moment between us that actually left me a bit dizzy and giddy with feelings for him, and I knew that it was beginning to be a problem.

I avoid going to his house alone these days because each time I do, things happen and the temptation is harder resist there than it is anywhere else, but I don't like the way my feelings for him always fluctuate between having an affection for a good friend or being infatuated with him. I'm sure that there's an element of manipulation from both of us on a subconscious level. I think he goes through confusion with what he wants and I'm sometimes his way out. As for me, I like the idea that I can have someone who loves to act as my boyfriend, who is affectionate, cuddly and always there to stroke my bruised ego when things go wrong, but who doesn't really expect much from me. (Well, that being said...) It was bugging me, so I confided in another Christian friend who told me it was dangerous ground and likened it to "friends with benefits" (I hate that term)

I got really angry and very firmly stated my case. How could it be friends with benefits? We're not having sex. But now that I think back to it, it's basically the same thing isn't it? I'm getting something from him, sometimes physically, may not be sex but it's the same level of physical affection (kissing, etc) and security, and feeling of being needed -- and he's getting something from me, physical affection -- security, and the ability to be able to pretend that he's not actually gay.

I definitely do not want to do away with this friendship at any cost because despite all the above he has been one of my most supportive and generous, considerate friends that I've ever had. I just need to step away from temptation because I feel like sometimes I stand on the line of it with him.

I never, ever, ever have had a problem in the past saying no, or resisting temptation when it comes to the opposite sex at all. And when they've tried to make me feel guilty about it, I've shrugged it away and told them it was their problem (even if it broke up my relationship) -- so why is it such a big deal with this guy? Why do I find him so hard to resist?