Something on my mind...

I've changed. Really, truly changed -- and I hate to support the theory of evolution, but I've really evolved as a person. This is encouraging to know especially when I'm down and out and feeling as though things aren't fast-tracking as I'd like them to.

It started back a few weeks ago when someone who I started to consider as a "former-friend" emailed me. We sent emails back and forth about the demise of our friendship and everything that was underlying. I don't want to be too hard on myself because I know that I was going through a tough few years during the peak time of our friendship, but I am very, very ashamed of the person that I used to be. I was so judgemental and so angry and ... half of the time I didn't know if I was coming or going. I was so influential. I prided myself on not being swayed, not letting someone poison my mind when it came to making my own decisions and forming my own opinions, but gosh ... I was way off.

And spiteful... I never considered myself to be spiteful, but if I look back at it all and examine my conscience, I really, really was. I was even spiteful toward people that I cared so much about. I said/did things without cause, just because I was angry with everyone. I resented people for the most ridiculous things. I talked about people behind their backs even when I was so adamant that I wasn't like that. Half of the time, I think that I was subconsciously trying to alienate everyone from me so that I wouldn't ever have to feel rejected later on.

I let my father down so much. I mosied through life brushing off his advice, his guidance and his wisdom because I was so confident that I knew better. I boasted that he didn't understand, that no one understood -- but that was neither here nor there, if I just followed his advice, I wouldn't have felt that way to begin with. I am aware that everyone makes mistakes and there's always room in life for trial and error -- but I've actually failed at life til this point because of the way that I've prioritised things.

I hate that I brushed off everyone's problems as if they didn't exist. I hate that I wasn't there for people when they needed me the most because I was far too worried about what was going on in my own little messed up head. I didn't see how much I was hurting others -- and even if I did see it, I probably wouldn't have cared. I probably would have thought it was their problem. God forbid if anyone tried to step in and help me -- I saw it all as personal attacks and resented them more for it.

There's a part of me that's still hurting inside because of everything that I've endured, that I've been through and that I haven't been able to share with other people. It's a part of my heart that has been permanently damaged, but I do believe that everybody has a piece of them just the same. Unfortunately for me, I let it consume me. I let it set me apart and jade me for far too long.

A lot of things have been sorted through a barrage of open and boldly honest emails, and for that I am grateful. I am grateful because it allows me to see everything that I have been, and what today I am not.

I have only one person to thank for this, and that is My Father Almighty -- Christ, My Lord, Jesus. I might not be exactly where I expected I would be, but at least I'm mildly going in the right direction which is more than I ever imagined I could do. Sometimes life is hard and it's frustrating and when I wake up all I want to do is cry because I feel so stagnant but I try to have faith in the fact that eventually I will be completely pleasing to God, not just when I feel like I can sum up the courage.

At least that's what my heart is hoping.