Everything's out of place... My inside out so upside down. Fast forward, rewind, I'm walkin' backwards in time. Everything that's new feel's like I've done before. The moon lights the day, since the sun lost it's way...
A couple of friend's said some really encouraging things to me today. I am really lucky and grateful to have some amazing people in my life. I feel a bit better and that's the main thing. It could just be PMS passing by...who knows.
I'm just feeling a bit trapped every which way that I look. But... my friend has kind of inadvertantly inspired me to take a leap of faith. I thought of advertising to make websites professionally awhile ago, but I needed to register a business number and there was something preventing me from doing that at the time. However, I am able to do it now, I think as long as I don't earn above a certain amount of money. To cut a long story short, I got offered a really amazing website job last year for a rock band who are actually kind of big here in Melbourne now. I knocked it back because of the fear factor. What they wanted wasn't anything too difficult and there was just two things that I wasn't 100% sure how to do, but I could have had some help or just took the plunge to figure it out. I didn't. I kinda let myself succumb to the idea of, "Ohmygosh, how dare I ever consider myself professional?? Much less let someone pay me for it..." and I made up some idiotic excuse to everyone who asked me if I was taking it on. "They want stuff that's too over my head." ... whatever, I just told the manager of the band that I was too swamped to take it on. Oh yeah. Sure.
Last year another friend gave me the opportunity to create a website for her business. I got half thru it and chickened out because I didn't think I could ever match up to what she really wanted/needed and really let her down.
I've created websites for business before. In fact, the last few websites I've created, I have been paid for. But, because they actually haven't been for a business but rather for someone's personal use, I haven't been scared by the idea of them. I've completed them to the satisfaction of the client and been paid. Great.
Well... my friend is opening a business and asked me to do a website for it. I've agreed. I don't want to keep making the same ridiculous mistakes. I won't lie and say there's been moments where I've felt really freaked out by not believing I can deliver... but I really want to just give it a go.. and at the end of the day if she's not happy then she'll find someone else and I'll be able to say I gave it a shot.
A lot of the time I see websites for business' that are ridiculously ugly and I know I could create something much more appealing and clean looking and I know that for the websites the company has probably paid hundreds of dollars -- so after talking on the phone to one of my friends tonight (who has her own business) I'm thinking like my friend of whom I'm now creating the website for ... just go for it. I know I have the capacity to do it, it's just doing it. And I have to get over it someway or another because it's beginning to overrule my life. And if I fail, then at least I'll know I've tried. I studied web design for a year, I really do know what I'm doing. I also learned most of everything I know by myself.
It won't cost a lot of money at all to do this legally (by registering an ABN) because I already have a business website, I already have all the software packages ... the only thing I might need (in the future, right now its okay) is a new computer (because software packages run really slowly on this laptops for some reason... i.e photoshop and flash mx etc) and I might look at doing a short course in how to use Flash, just so I can add it. Even if I'm only doing one site a month, that's still a few hundred dollars more than I have now. When (if) I'm at uni it will really help me to be making extra money on the side.
So... I'm going to call my Dad tomorrow and talk to him about it more (he ran his own successful business for about 20 yrs) and see what he thinks... and on monday I have to call my Sydney G.P to talk to her about getting a letter of support for my university application. I figure if I don't get in to University, I'll just look at doing a childcare course or something that can be a bit of a shoe in for the following yr.
Also, today I got off my fat ass and took my dog for a walk. I made the mistake of taking Dev as well as Billie... and he's old and fat and can't keep up ... and by half a km later, he was limping, so I had to bring him home cos he'd hurt his foot and had to go have it checked. Tomorrow I'm going to take Billie on her own so we can walk farther. I just need to do it if for no other reason but for my health. When I go to Sydney, eventually (my Mum sort of suggested that she might drive me and pay for my return flight as my bday gift) I will see my G.P and get her to suggest something for my leg... I really, really want to go next month just so I can see a real doctor. (WHY ARENT THERE ANY "REAL" DOCTORS IN VICTORIA?! IF YOU KNOW OF ONE, SEND ME TO HER!!!!!!!!)
Anyway.... there's my happier post. We'll see what happens anyhow.
xoxox
Jess
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Thursday, September 28, 2006
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell...
Just having one of those days...
I'm tired of things not being "right" ... Felt really crap yesterday (and was told I looked considerably unwell - nice.) feel even worse today. The leg is doing the whole, "lets swell right up again."
You know how on the back of your calf muscle you can kinda pinch it?(unless you're so muscular and you dont have an inch of fat) Well, my leg is so tight on my right that I don't have that at all, but oh, plenty of flab to pinch on my right calf. It worries me and I'm so bloody tired of not knowing what's wrong or having stupid ridiculous drs just glance at it and shrug and move on to the next thing.
I'm feeling really incompetent with everything. You know that whole feeling that we all succumb to every now and then? Just feel like I'm not good enough in most aspects of my life. I had a dream the other night that the Fr. at my Parish made me sign a contract that promised me to be a better Catholic, which made me really sad when I woke up.
I feel like I'm a hopeless worker (especially with all the issues I've had with my Mum about transport lately), not a good enough friend, am not good enough to take on certain responsibilities and get them done. I succumb to failure before I even attempt, because I "know" I'll never succeed to begin with... I'm ridiculous with this stuff.
I'm so unmotivated that I can't even get off my wide load for more than 15 min every day to go for a walk which is probably the sole cause of the swollen leg - fluid from NO EXERCISE.
I really do suck. When I feel like this I kind of just want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head until it passes ... I don't care if it takes months. The things that I do have going for my life aren't very impressive things and I just sit and wonder ... what is the effing point of anything?
[/end woe is me post]
g'nite.
I'm tired of things not being "right" ... Felt really crap yesterday (and was told I looked considerably unwell - nice.) feel even worse today. The leg is doing the whole, "lets swell right up again."
You know how on the back of your calf muscle you can kinda pinch it?(unless you're so muscular and you dont have an inch of fat) Well, my leg is so tight on my right that I don't have that at all, but oh, plenty of flab to pinch on my right calf. It worries me and I'm so bloody tired of not knowing what's wrong or having stupid ridiculous drs just glance at it and shrug and move on to the next thing.
I'm feeling really incompetent with everything. You know that whole feeling that we all succumb to every now and then? Just feel like I'm not good enough in most aspects of my life. I had a dream the other night that the Fr. at my Parish made me sign a contract that promised me to be a better Catholic, which made me really sad when I woke up.
I feel like I'm a hopeless worker (especially with all the issues I've had with my Mum about transport lately), not a good enough friend, am not good enough to take on certain responsibilities and get them done. I succumb to failure before I even attempt, because I "know" I'll never succeed to begin with... I'm ridiculous with this stuff.
I'm so unmotivated that I can't even get off my wide load for more than 15 min every day to go for a walk which is probably the sole cause of the swollen leg - fluid from NO EXERCISE.
I really do suck. When I feel like this I kind of just want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head until it passes ... I don't care if it takes months. The things that I do have going for my life aren't very impressive things and I just sit and wonder ... what is the effing point of anything?
[/end woe is me post]
g'nite.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Exhausted.
I suck at going to bed at a reasonable hour. I went to bed at about 1am after aiming to go at 11pm. I didn't fall asleep until about 2:30am, and I woke up at 5am to go to the city to see Guy Sebastian this morning (priorities!) and came home to work this afternoon and now I am absolutely exhausted.
I've been sitting here watching the interview with Terri Irwin (Steve Irwins wife) and have been bawling my eyes out. It's so sad that he died leaving his beautiful little kids. :(
I went to a good concert on sunday night. Ricki Lee Coulter, Paulini, Emily Williams, Kate DeAraugo or whatever her name is ... and Guy Sebastian. Was pretty freakin' awesome. I met Ricki Lee, Paulini and Emily afterwards. Ricki and Paulini were so sweet and lovely. Did I ever mention how much I love live gigs?
I've been sitting here watching the interview with Terri Irwin (Steve Irwins wife) and have been bawling my eyes out. It's so sad that he died leaving his beautiful little kids. :(
I went to a good concert on sunday night. Ricki Lee Coulter, Paulini, Emily Williams, Kate DeAraugo or whatever her name is ... and Guy Sebastian. Was pretty freakin' awesome. I met Ricki Lee, Paulini and Emily afterwards. Ricki and Paulini were so sweet and lovely. Did I ever mention how much I love live gigs?
Ricki Lee Coulter & I (And Michael Jackson!)
Paulini & I (and Michael Jackson!)
I also saw the rest of the new Australian Idols performing today ... can I just say... I'm not at all the kind of fan of anything that will scream, shake, cry, turn-in-to-12-yr-old-mush, or become so starstruck that I can't even speak. Mostly, my fandoms are very calm and I'm not even particularly enthusiastic when I'm at concerts and stuff. I just really, really love music so much that I'm more interested in knowing stuff about their performance or whatever, more so than I am interested in them as people. (unless we're talking about MJ -- and sometimes Guy. I find both of their lifestyles to be kinda fascinating. MJ the visionary, Guy the good Christian example.)
So I really don't understand (or like) it when I have people absolutely screaming in my ear over someone who has only been in the public eye for about 3 and a half weeks (Aus Idol contestants) professing their love, wedding vows .. the whole shebang... It would be different if said contestants had actually achieved something. If they'd put out half decent music, or performed so amazing that your socks and toupees were blown off in the process - but no. All of these singers are reasonably attractive with mediocre talent - nothing special at all. And all save a few, their egos seem really out of proportion.
Anyway, I almost had the blood of a couple thousand teenyboppers on my hands. For glances as far as my eyes would take me was a sea of pirate stripes, supre belts, bumble bee glasses and the asphixiating smell of lipsmackers coming back from 1997 to haunt me. Yuck.
I did very much enjoy Guy singing two new songs that I hadn't heard before (One called Elevator Love LOL! .. sounds so sleazy, but actually it's nothing to do with having sex in an elevator, okay!?) and I was able to temporarily ignore the squealing and just bask in his beautiful voice. Really, I love the sound of his voice. Spent some time with a couple friends and said a brief hello to another before coming home.
Went in to work for a bit. And now I'm very exhausted. I'm working again tomorrow, but I think I'm just going to go in in the afternoon cos I have way too much planned between now and then.
That's all for now. It's been a pretty full on week. I'll be so happy to have my car back.
God Bless,
Jess
Monday, September 25, 2006
I'm a musical genius in regular clothing.
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: i have to ask you a question
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: yes
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: there is this song from the 80s... maybe? and I dont know the words and I dont know the name and I dont know the band and I cant rememebr the tune LOL,but I really want iot
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: ....?
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: I rememebr the viedo clip
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: ok...
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: its uh... a band and they have long hair and they are in a house and the first part of the video is in black and white
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: Be With You By Mr. Big?
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: im the one who wants to be with youuuuuuu, deep inside i hope you feel it toooooooo?
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: oh. my. god
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: is that it??? LOL
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: are you fucking serious
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: YWES!
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: i am so brilliant
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: I'm shocked
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: hahahahha
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: I cant believe you actually got it first go. you need to be documented and put on display.
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: i love the song. i used to think the guy was a girl tho
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: seriously. you amaze me.
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: oh stop, no keep going, no stop... oh no keep going.
Haaaaaahahahaha.
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: yes
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: there is this song from the 80s... maybe? and I dont know the words and I dont know the name and I dont know the band and I cant rememebr the tune LOL,but I really want iot
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: ....?
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: I rememebr the viedo clip
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: ok...
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: its uh... a band and they have long hair and they are in a house and the first part of the video is in black and white
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: Be With You By Mr. Big?
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: im the one who wants to be with youuuuuuu, deep inside i hope you feel it toooooooo?
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: oh. my. god
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: is that it??? LOL
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: are you fucking serious
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: YWES!
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: i am so brilliant
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: I'm shocked
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: hahahahha
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: I cant believe you actually got it first go. you need to be documented and put on display.
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: i love the song. i used to think the guy was a girl tho
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: seriously. you amaze me.
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: oh stop, no keep going, no stop... oh no keep going.
Haaaaaahahahaha.
Friday, September 22, 2006
Something on my mind...
I've changed. Really, truly changed -- and I hate to support the theory of evolution, but I've really evolved as a person. This is encouraging to know especially when I'm down and out and feeling as though things aren't fast-tracking as I'd like them to.
It started back a few weeks ago when someone who I started to consider as a "former-friend" emailed me. We sent emails back and forth about the demise of our friendship and everything that was underlying. I don't want to be too hard on myself because I know that I was going through a tough few years during the peak time of our friendship, but I am very, very ashamed of the person that I used to be. I was so judgemental and so angry and ... half of the time I didn't know if I was coming or going. I was so influential. I prided myself on not being swayed, not letting someone poison my mind when it came to making my own decisions and forming my own opinions, but gosh ... I was way off.
And spiteful... I never considered myself to be spiteful, but if I look back at it all and examine my conscience, I really, really was. I was even spiteful toward people that I cared so much about. I said/did things without cause, just because I was angry with everyone. I resented people for the most ridiculous things. I talked about people behind their backs even when I was so adamant that I wasn't like that. Half of the time, I think that I was subconsciously trying to alienate everyone from me so that I wouldn't ever have to feel rejected later on.
I let my father down so much. I mosied through life brushing off his advice, his guidance and his wisdom because I was so confident that I knew better. I boasted that he didn't understand, that no one understood -- but that was neither here nor there, if I just followed his advice, I wouldn't have felt that way to begin with. I am aware that everyone makes mistakes and there's always room in life for trial and error -- but I've actually failed at life til this point because of the way that I've prioritised things.
I hate that I brushed off everyone's problems as if they didn't exist. I hate that I wasn't there for people when they needed me the most because I was far too worried about what was going on in my own little messed up head. I didn't see how much I was hurting others -- and even if I did see it, I probably wouldn't have cared. I probably would have thought it was their problem. God forbid if anyone tried to step in and help me -- I saw it all as personal attacks and resented them more for it.
There's a part of me that's still hurting inside because of everything that I've endured, that I've been through and that I haven't been able to share with other people. It's a part of my heart that has been permanently damaged, but I do believe that everybody has a piece of them just the same. Unfortunately for me, I let it consume me. I let it set me apart and jade me for far too long.
A lot of things have been sorted through a barrage of open and boldly honest emails, and for that I am grateful. I am grateful because it allows me to see everything that I have been, and what today I am not.
I have only one person to thank for this, and that is My Father Almighty -- Christ, My Lord, Jesus. I might not be exactly where I expected I would be, but at least I'm mildly going in the right direction which is more than I ever imagined I could do. Sometimes life is hard and it's frustrating and when I wake up all I want to do is cry because I feel so stagnant but I try to have faith in the fact that eventually I will be completely pleasing to God, not just when I feel like I can sum up the courage.
At least that's what my heart is hoping.
It started back a few weeks ago when someone who I started to consider as a "former-friend" emailed me. We sent emails back and forth about the demise of our friendship and everything that was underlying. I don't want to be too hard on myself because I know that I was going through a tough few years during the peak time of our friendship, but I am very, very ashamed of the person that I used to be. I was so judgemental and so angry and ... half of the time I didn't know if I was coming or going. I was so influential. I prided myself on not being swayed, not letting someone poison my mind when it came to making my own decisions and forming my own opinions, but gosh ... I was way off.
And spiteful... I never considered myself to be spiteful, but if I look back at it all and examine my conscience, I really, really was. I was even spiteful toward people that I cared so much about. I said/did things without cause, just because I was angry with everyone. I resented people for the most ridiculous things. I talked about people behind their backs even when I was so adamant that I wasn't like that. Half of the time, I think that I was subconsciously trying to alienate everyone from me so that I wouldn't ever have to feel rejected later on.
I let my father down so much. I mosied through life brushing off his advice, his guidance and his wisdom because I was so confident that I knew better. I boasted that he didn't understand, that no one understood -- but that was neither here nor there, if I just followed his advice, I wouldn't have felt that way to begin with. I am aware that everyone makes mistakes and there's always room in life for trial and error -- but I've actually failed at life til this point because of the way that I've prioritised things.
I hate that I brushed off everyone's problems as if they didn't exist. I hate that I wasn't there for people when they needed me the most because I was far too worried about what was going on in my own little messed up head. I didn't see how much I was hurting others -- and even if I did see it, I probably wouldn't have cared. I probably would have thought it was their problem. God forbid if anyone tried to step in and help me -- I saw it all as personal attacks and resented them more for it.
There's a part of me that's still hurting inside because of everything that I've endured, that I've been through and that I haven't been able to share with other people. It's a part of my heart that has been permanently damaged, but I do believe that everybody has a piece of them just the same. Unfortunately for me, I let it consume me. I let it set me apart and jade me for far too long.
A lot of things have been sorted through a barrage of open and boldly honest emails, and for that I am grateful. I am grateful because it allows me to see everything that I have been, and what today I am not.
I have only one person to thank for this, and that is My Father Almighty -- Christ, My Lord, Jesus. I might not be exactly where I expected I would be, but at least I'm mildly going in the right direction which is more than I ever imagined I could do. Sometimes life is hard and it's frustrating and when I wake up all I want to do is cry because I feel so stagnant but I try to have faith in the fact that eventually I will be completely pleasing to God, not just when I feel like I can sum up the courage.
At least that's what my heart is hoping.
Down with the angels, hangin' in the heavens....
Today I'm feeling a bit "blah" and I'm not really sure why. Nothing bad has happened, nothing good either, really. I was supposed to go see friends yesterday but still wasn't feeling up to scratch. On tuesday night I had some really bad news and coupled with what's going on with my Dad's partner .. I just felt a bit down. I did talk to my Dad though, and his partners surgery went well, but they won't know the final results until they come back from the pathology in a weeks time. I'll keep you all updated on that.
Secondly, I bought Guy Sebastian's new single yesterday like the lovely dutiful fan that I am. It's a great idea for artists to put b side songs on their cds cos it makes people who like the artist more inclined to buy it. There's a b side on the single that is a thousand times better than the actual release and I've had it on repeat ever since. He just sounds better these days and although it was good at the time, I'm glad he's not doing the wannabe R&B/urban genre anymore. This new music sounds a lot more fresh. Anyhoo, the song is called "Do Life" (the b side) and there are a few little lines in it that I love ;; but especially, "I wanna be part of the ocean, a river in motion, I wanna be down with the angels hangin' in the heavens... there's no place I'd rather be..." Sometimes I wonder why I'm a fan -- but when he opens his mouth to sing, I remember.
I think my trip to Sydney is on the backburner for now. It's ridiculous to go if I can't afford to -- which is really disappointing cos I miss my Dad so much right now and I really want to see him and give him a big hug. :( Also, I really miss all of my friends.... But I guess there will be another time.
I talked to a friend of mine who lives in Alice Springs. I met her in 2004 and spent a week with her, then saw her again in Melbourne, and hung out with her for a day or two mid last year... We catch up by phone now and then or through email -- but I was so excited to find out the other night that she's moving to Victoria in December for good. She's so much fun and such a sweet person. We got along amazingly from the first time I met her -- so I'm really happy that I'll have a new friend out here soon enough. I'll also have a new church buddy that isn't over the age of 70. haha.
So anyway, since I've had a lot of time to myself, I created the video below. I made it originally but had to edit cos it was too long which really annoyed me. *Shakes fist at youtube* -- but it's edited, and it's my first go at making anything like this... so have a look at it and let me know what you think... (Dorinny, you're famous! hehehe.) I'm a little bit proud cos I showed my Mum and it made her cry -- haha. And while I sat there making it, looking at photos and listening to audios and watching videos -- I found myself crying like a bitch lol. Anyhoo... here it is;
Secondly, I bought Guy Sebastian's new single yesterday like the lovely dutiful fan that I am. It's a great idea for artists to put b side songs on their cds cos it makes people who like the artist more inclined to buy it. There's a b side on the single that is a thousand times better than the actual release and I've had it on repeat ever since. He just sounds better these days and although it was good at the time, I'm glad he's not doing the wannabe R&B/urban genre anymore. This new music sounds a lot more fresh. Anyhoo, the song is called "Do Life" (the b side) and there are a few little lines in it that I love ;; but especially, "I wanna be part of the ocean, a river in motion, I wanna be down with the angels hangin' in the heavens... there's no place I'd rather be..." Sometimes I wonder why I'm a fan -- but when he opens his mouth to sing, I remember.
I think my trip to Sydney is on the backburner for now. It's ridiculous to go if I can't afford to -- which is really disappointing cos I miss my Dad so much right now and I really want to see him and give him a big hug. :( Also, I really miss all of my friends.... But I guess there will be another time.
I talked to a friend of mine who lives in Alice Springs. I met her in 2004 and spent a week with her, then saw her again in Melbourne, and hung out with her for a day or two mid last year... We catch up by phone now and then or through email -- but I was so excited to find out the other night that she's moving to Victoria in December for good. She's so much fun and such a sweet person. We got along amazingly from the first time I met her -- so I'm really happy that I'll have a new friend out here soon enough. I'll also have a new church buddy that isn't over the age of 70. haha.
So anyway, since I've had a lot of time to myself, I created the video below. I made it originally but had to edit cos it was too long which really annoyed me. *Shakes fist at youtube* -- but it's edited, and it's my first go at making anything like this... so have a look at it and let me know what you think... (Dorinny, you're famous! hehehe.) I'm a little bit proud cos I showed my Mum and it made her cry -- haha. And while I sat there making it, looking at photos and listening to audios and watching videos -- I found myself crying like a bitch lol. Anyhoo... here it is;
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Not much to report
I went back to work yesterday, but I came home later in the afternoon cos I didn't feel up to scratch.
Car got quoted at $1300, I know thats a heap more than I expected, but that's okay. On top of that I have to get two new tyres, register it and renew my licence. It'll take a couple of weeks but at least I'll have transport.
Uni is gong to cost me over $100 to apply. I'm scared cos I have an extreme shortage of money and no back up plan. Grr.
Anyhoo, I'll hit back if I have anything important to say.
xoxo
Car got quoted at $1300, I know thats a heap more than I expected, but that's okay. On top of that I have to get two new tyres, register it and renew my licence. It'll take a couple of weeks but at least I'll have transport.
Uni is gong to cost me over $100 to apply. I'm scared cos I have an extreme shortage of money and no back up plan. Grr.
Anyhoo, I'll hit back if I have anything important to say.
xoxo
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Sunday Scribblings: #25 - Research (hmm now says google magic)
Today after spending a lot of time on you tube and downloading a lot of footage that I’m getting together to create my own videos, I felt inspired to write about something I have been passionate about for as long as I can remember. It is something that I was forced to research and know more about over the past three years. When I first read the Sunday scribbling topic, I didn’t think I would participate and I promised myself I wouldn’t write about the subject that I’ve chosen because of the way people generally react, but I’m gonna go out on a limb anyway…
Disclaimer, this is really long and I apologize, but I didn’t really want to condense it, so don’t read it if you don’t want to, but this is one of my most personal and honest entry yet. Also, the original topic at Sunday Scribblings said "research" and now it says google, well I've already done my entry, so research it is! haha.
Michael Jackson
I became a huge Michael Jackson fan when I was probably in 5th grade. He was my first celebrity crush. He was my first favorite singer, he was the first song I ever remember hearing and seeing a video to (The Bad video is the first video if you’re interested) I remember the allegations that came up in 1993. I remembered being informed by my best friend that her Dad had told them it was just people wanting money from him. Of course, I never believed anything different. I was only 9 or 10. I remember the “come back” album, HIStory. The nuts MJ obsession that ensued from then on was pretty full on.
I talked, walked, lived, breathed drank anything and everything Michael Jackson. I collected tiny pictures, articles, second hand vinyls, albums, Jackson 5, The Jackson’s, MJ magazines, videos, footage, anything you can imagine. I wrote him letter after letter after letter that my Mum always promised to send to him. (I could never figure out why he didn’t write me back.) I kept writing letters until I was about 18 or 19, but I kept them to myself after and shared them with no one.
I became heavily involved in the Michael Jackson online fan community in 1997 and never looked back. I met people from all around the world and at one stage had more than 30 Michael Jackson penpals from Sweden, Holland, UK, Israel, Germany, Japan, New Zealand, Turkey, Lithuania, Denmark, Slovenia and so many more. I loved those people like they were my best friends. Some of them, I am still in contact with. I met fans from Australia (and other countries), five of whom I consider like my best friends (people that comment/read here, Caro, Val, Anna, Dorinny, Vicky) With these friends, I learned about different backgrounds, I learned survival talk in a lot of languages (French, Dutch, German and Slovenian.) I learned about the way their countries work, the traditions, backgrounds and all sorts of interesting things. Many of these friends I used to speak regularly to by telephone (especially one very special Israeli friend, Sharona.)
When I turned 18, I traveled to New York to see Michael Jackson by myself. It is something that I never ever would have considered had I not been a fan. I always wanted to travel, I always wanted to do something independent and so many people told me I was crazy and that it was a waste of my money and time. But I met two wonderful, wonderful fans, one of whom was from the UK who took me under her wing and befriended me. It is not often that I am completely honest about my intentions for traveling to New York. I usually tell people that I was “in the neighbourhood” that I didn’t go solely for MJ, but honestly? I did. I wanted to see him and I knew that there was no chance of him coming back to Australia. Some people call it groupie behavior, but I had never felt about another single person the way I felt about MJ. I didn’t expect I would marry him, I didn’t expect I would become his friend till the end. I just wanted to shake his hand and say, “Hi Michael, I love you and thank you for everything you’ve given to me.”
By that I mean inspiration. I hate the typical, “Michael saved me!” fan stories – but it’s the truth. I spent a lot of time in my early teen years in and out of hospital with an illness that I wouldn’t ever let on the severity to anyone except my family. At school I got ridiculed beyond belief, I really believed a lot of that time I was about to die. I didn’t really have an abundance of friends or anyone who I felt cared too much except my parents and grandparents, so I looked to music and to other things for consolement. Cheesily enough, Michael Jackson’s music always spoke to me. The footage I’d watched endlessly of him visiting sick kids, donating money, always being a voice for the voiceless, that really made me feel like he cared. His writings, his words, his poetry, his thoughts and open sentiments, they always touched my heart even from my younger days. He didn’t save me, but he gave me inspiration to keep the faith and never give up hope.
Because of the help of the insistent UK fan, that dream of meeting Michael Jackson came true. I got to talk to Michael Jackson in his car. I got to tell him thank you. I was able to stay calm enough to say that he was my biggest inspiration and that I loved him for everything. I was able to hold his hand. I was able to tell the world that Michael Jackson caressed my hand, talked to me, told me he also loved me and appreciated me, that it was his honor to meet me. He asked me if I was okay, how I enjoyed my trip, how I liked Australia, my name, he touched my face. And despite the fact that he tells all the fans he loves them? Well, for that moment in time, he told me, directly to me that he loved me. It was enough to inspire me for almost another decade and he helped me create the happiest and most exciting day of my life.
In 2003 almost exactly 10 years to the day of the 1993 allegations, new ones broke. Now, I had spent a lot of time researching the first Michael Jackson case. I know lots of things that the general public wouldn’t know. Like for instance, Michael Jackson never wanted to settle the case civilly. I had to research American Law. I found that you couldn’t have a criminal suit before a civil suit. I found out that Michael Jackson fought to have this reversed. He wanted it to be tried in a criminal suit (for those who don’t understand, this means he would never have paid Jordan Chandler, but rather would have went before a jury just like he did in 2005 and had it tried properly) but the judge denied the motion. He was given bogus advice and was in the prime of his success and so he was basically forced to settle for the price they agreed upon civilly. Additionally, David Schwartz, the stepfather of the accuser, secretly taped a conversation with Evan Chandler (the accusers father) to later use to help Michael Jackson (but later Schwartz jumped ships and decided to join in the extortion).
Of course the above never really made it to press because the world was too busy tripping over themselves to see their own Peter Pan turned pervert. And while the world always asked, “If he was innocent, why did he settle?” I always wondered, “If you were any sort of parent, wouldn’t you have wanted justice to prevail so the “predator” doesn’t strike again?)
The 2003 allegations seemed more serious, people ran with the idea that since he was accused once and “got off” (even though he was actually never charged with anything at all in 1993/1994) it must of course be a silent admission of guilt. The accusers were predictable and ridiculous this time around though, and unlike Evan Chandler, Janet Arviso (the mother of the 2003 accuser) wasn’t very bright.
I was forced to research this one to the high heavens and learn about U.S Law faster than I could blink. It blew up very quickly and before I knew it, my hero had been arrested, handcuffed and charged with 14 counts of misconduct with a minor known from the disgusting Martin Bashir interview (February 6, 2003) as Gavin Arviso.
It surprised no one that Tom Sneddon, the District Attorney who was in charge of the 1993 investigation, was also heading the 2003 investigation. Furthermore, the same media mogul, Diane Dimond who broke the 1993 case was also allowed special access to “break” the 2003 case (her Court TV crew was at Neverland the day both raids occurred before any other journalists new). During 1993 Michael Jackson was forced to submit to “investigative” photographs of his genitalia to “prove” that the accusations Jordan Chandler had made about particular scarring in that area was the case. Later most media outlets failed to report, was not actually the case (there was no match to the child’s description) Despite the fact that these photos were supposed to be sealed, a former friend of Sneddon’s had recounted that he had, in fact, passed them around and “shared a laugh”.
In a press conference just after Michael Jackson’s 2003 arrest Sneddon was critisised for referring to Michael as “Wacko Jacko”, and also for speaking prematurely having been quoted saying, “we got him!” (ha)
I felt from the get-go that the case was a witch-hunt. I supported Michael Jackson whole-heartedly until I had red-handed evidence to prove otherwise. (I’m one of those very few people who believe in innocent until proven guilty, not guilty until proven guilty.) I am a very independent thinking person; I am also a very intelligent person and became offended when people would brand me a “naïve fan”. I did my research, and I did it very well. I knew what I believed and why I believed it and unlike the people who accused me of being blinded by my admiration, I didn’t just rely on the news vendors to feed me their idea of “balanced information”. I decided that after all Michael had done to enrich my life indirectly, I would also like to help bring him support, even if it was also indirect.
I did a lot of radio interviews within Australia sharing my knowledge. I was interviewed by newspapers and I helped organize some information distribution within Sydney along with a group of Australian Michael Jackson fans. Then my lovely friend Dorinny and I, decided in April 2005 that we wanted to go to Santa Maria to support him.
We didn’t expect to meet him, we just wanted to be another face in the supporting crowd. One more banner, one more voice shouting support, we knew that it gave him the strength to get up and go to court every morning and to keep his head held high. He was looking at a jail term of up to 26 yrs. Of course each time I had a fleeting thought of this, tears would well up in my eyes and I couldn’t even begin to grasp any sort of reality of it.
We read transcripts of what was going on in the courtroom on a daily basis (and let me tell you now, unless you read those transcripts, you really didn’t learn anything about what kind of people screwed Michael Jackson over). 45 seats were raffled off every morning to the public and so fans would also come back each afternoon and give their reports. We read the backlash media reports making Michael Jackson out to sound like some kind of sinister freak who created Neverland to reel in the children.
I’m sorry though, 2 victims in ten years? Wow, he really knows what he wants doesn’t he? A very particular man who is amongst a smorgasbord of children and has been for the past 25 years – erm, really that makes no sense. The other “accusers” that popped up during the trial, were pretty much heckled out by the media as well.
Dorin and I got to California and hoped that perhaps we might get in to the courtroom and observe just once, but we were not expecting it. Low and behold, the very first day there we got our ticket and got to sit in, just meters away from our hero. We sat through a day of court, hearing witnesses testify for the prosecution, and then cross-examined by Thomas Mesereau, Michael’s champion lawyer who would cut down the witnesses and show us just how laughable their testimonies were.
I had the good fortune of watching Janet Arviso (the mother of the accuser) and I found myself along with media, and jurors laughing at her ridiculous claims. (Michael Jackson was evil and wanted to make them disappear by putting them on a hot air balloon. No, seriously. – Apparently they’d disappear in to thin air and no one would hear of them again? Wow Michael, you’re such a genius.) The entire time Michael just watched on, sometimes shaking his head, sometimes looking at the desk he was sitting at.
We would go to Neverland every day after court. (We got in to the court room 3 times on my 4th day I left early because I was sick.), on the way out-racing Michael Jackson’s car, winding down our windows screaming our support to his car window and waving frantically, showing our banners and trying to avoid car accidents.
It humbled my heart to see just how many fans were there from all over the world in support for him. We met fans from France, Sweden, UK, Spain, other U.S cities, Poland, etc.
In my time I had put together a special book for Michael that I had hoped that I could give to one of his security or someone working for him to give to him. It was a book of all the letters I had ever written him (the ones that I mentioned earlier that my Mum had promised to send had been found in a drawer when I moved away at about 16 yrs old, plus the ones I had kept writing). I also included photos of my friends and other Aussie fans, things I’d written about him in the past, and special little Michael Jackson projects I’d put together… The thing is, as a Michael Jackson fan you’ll know that he loves to receive personally made gifts more than material ones. He loves to collect banners and letters and cards and things, so I really felt like my idea would be original. You can see some of my book here.
At Neverland after the first day in Santa Maria, I managed to give him my book personally. It was heavy and he took it from me as I passed it through his car window, someone else helped him take it (his Mother) as I told him that we were there from Australia and he said thank you and God Bless Australia. Of course, the added bonus was him holding out his hand to me. I gave it a little squeeze and said “I love you.” And I felt him squeeze my hand back.
I stayed in Santa Maria for 12 days (Dorin could only stay for five) and had another chance to speak to him on my second last day. It was very brief but I got to hold his hand again and tell him, I was always supporting him no matter what. He said, “Thank you, God bless you.” And held my hand again. There were moments where we held banners for him just kms from his home where he slowed his car and had his father film us while he waved and smiled. (And gosh, how brilliant was it to see him still being able to find joy at a time like that.) and I never regretted a second of my trip, despite being told by others that I would.
The trial ended on June 13, 2005. As it loomed closer, my friends and I became more scared. It was around the time that I traveled overseas (but must I stress, not for this reason) that I began to find solace in God. I had been praying a lot over 2004 and 2005 for Michael Jackson, but I had begun praying then not for what I wanted, but for what God willed. I prayed not for him to be vindicated, but for the right result. It would be a lie to say that I wasn’t depressed. I thought about the outcome of the verdict constantly. I was stressed about it and felt really ridiculous for becoming engrossed in someone else’s life, but actually, I feel the same sickness for anyone who is about to lose their life for nothing. It just felt more personal because Michael has been like my best mate for the past 14 or so years, someone who’d make me smile; who’d help me escape just so I could bask in the bliss of his music and dance.
On the morning of June 13, at 5am I had a phone call from a friend telling me that the verdict was about to be read. We had a phone pool going. Guy called me, I called Anna, I called Val. We all got online. We waited. I prayed. I don’t know that I’ve ever prayed with such fervor in my entire life. I cried. I couldn’t feel my palms through the tingling. I felt like they would “get” him on something since the whole trial had seemed like such a set-up. Even the Judge seemed so ridiculously biased and throughout the duration of the trial, he had not granted one single motion that MJ’s team had made.
So, I prayed. With each count read out one by one, I thought about how Michael must have felt. I thought mostly about his children – what would they do without a father? Who would take them? How could they ever have a normal life? I cried and prayed for them. With each "not guilty” read, a flood of tears escaped my eyes and I prayed until I waited for the next one.
“Not guilty.” I praised God and prayed until all the counts had been read and found innocent. He was cleared of all 14 charges. Vindicated, proven innocent. We celebrated. We went out for dinner, we cried, we hung out it was just so brilliant that it was all over.
Of course there were many who said that just because he “got off” didn’t mean he was innocent – however, I always wondered that if he had been found guilty and sentenced to 26 yrs (or life) in prison, if anyone would have ever turned around and said, “Well that doesn’t really mean he’s guilty!” … The answer is a resounding no. And here’s why;
Michael Jackson isn’t your average Joe. He suffers from vitiligo, he has had plastic surgery, he doesn’t look “normal” like you or I, and apparently eccentricities and all those things are requisites of a guilty man. If Michael Jackson was a very normal looking man who did all the same humanitarian things he has done, if he was masculine looking and had striking good looks, the case would have been heckled out of court. It only went on as long and as dramatically as it did, because it was Michael Jackson and because of the stigma that has been attached to his name since day one.
I used to put Michael Jackson on pedestal and I idolized him, but I’ve realized that he is also human. He is a man, a very human one, with human feelings and emotions just like you or I. He isn’t a robot, there is only so much a man can take without being broken. He inspires me because he still to this day can walk with his chin held high and hasn’t changed one little bit despite the wicked words and continual ridicule.
To some people he might be just a weirdo, an eccentric freak who is now “washed-up” but my own; almost lifetime research has shown me (and thankfully lots of people who have been willing to listen to me) otherwise.
During the trial, at one point when I bought my very first bible, I opened it up looking for words of comfort and it was this passage that was the first one I looked at and it stayed with me until the end of the trial.
Disclaimer, this is really long and I apologize, but I didn’t really want to condense it, so don’t read it if you don’t want to, but this is one of my most personal and honest entry yet. Also, the original topic at Sunday Scribblings said "research" and now it says google, well I've already done my entry, so research it is! haha.
Michael Jackson
I became a huge Michael Jackson fan when I was probably in 5th grade. He was my first celebrity crush. He was my first favorite singer, he was the first song I ever remember hearing and seeing a video to (The Bad video is the first video if you’re interested) I remember the allegations that came up in 1993. I remembered being informed by my best friend that her Dad had told them it was just people wanting money from him. Of course, I never believed anything different. I was only 9 or 10. I remember the “come back” album, HIStory. The nuts MJ obsession that ensued from then on was pretty full on.
I talked, walked, lived, breathed drank anything and everything Michael Jackson. I collected tiny pictures, articles, second hand vinyls, albums, Jackson 5, The Jackson’s, MJ magazines, videos, footage, anything you can imagine. I wrote him letter after letter after letter that my Mum always promised to send to him. (I could never figure out why he didn’t write me back.) I kept writing letters until I was about 18 or 19, but I kept them to myself after and shared them with no one.
I became heavily involved in the Michael Jackson online fan community in 1997 and never looked back. I met people from all around the world and at one stage had more than 30 Michael Jackson penpals from Sweden, Holland, UK, Israel, Germany, Japan, New Zealand, Turkey, Lithuania, Denmark, Slovenia and so many more. I loved those people like they were my best friends. Some of them, I am still in contact with. I met fans from Australia (and other countries), five of whom I consider like my best friends (people that comment/read here, Caro, Val, Anna, Dorinny, Vicky) With these friends, I learned about different backgrounds, I learned survival talk in a lot of languages (French, Dutch, German and Slovenian.) I learned about the way their countries work, the traditions, backgrounds and all sorts of interesting things. Many of these friends I used to speak regularly to by telephone (especially one very special Israeli friend, Sharona.)
When I turned 18, I traveled to New York to see Michael Jackson by myself. It is something that I never ever would have considered had I not been a fan. I always wanted to travel, I always wanted to do something independent and so many people told me I was crazy and that it was a waste of my money and time. But I met two wonderful, wonderful fans, one of whom was from the UK who took me under her wing and befriended me. It is not often that I am completely honest about my intentions for traveling to New York. I usually tell people that I was “in the neighbourhood” that I didn’t go solely for MJ, but honestly? I did. I wanted to see him and I knew that there was no chance of him coming back to Australia. Some people call it groupie behavior, but I had never felt about another single person the way I felt about MJ. I didn’t expect I would marry him, I didn’t expect I would become his friend till the end. I just wanted to shake his hand and say, “Hi Michael, I love you and thank you for everything you’ve given to me.”
By that I mean inspiration. I hate the typical, “Michael saved me!” fan stories – but it’s the truth. I spent a lot of time in my early teen years in and out of hospital with an illness that I wouldn’t ever let on the severity to anyone except my family. At school I got ridiculed beyond belief, I really believed a lot of that time I was about to die. I didn’t really have an abundance of friends or anyone who I felt cared too much except my parents and grandparents, so I looked to music and to other things for consolement. Cheesily enough, Michael Jackson’s music always spoke to me. The footage I’d watched endlessly of him visiting sick kids, donating money, always being a voice for the voiceless, that really made me feel like he cared. His writings, his words, his poetry, his thoughts and open sentiments, they always touched my heart even from my younger days. He didn’t save me, but he gave me inspiration to keep the faith and never give up hope.
Because of the help of the insistent UK fan, that dream of meeting Michael Jackson came true. I got to talk to Michael Jackson in his car. I got to tell him thank you. I was able to stay calm enough to say that he was my biggest inspiration and that I loved him for everything. I was able to hold his hand. I was able to tell the world that Michael Jackson caressed my hand, talked to me, told me he also loved me and appreciated me, that it was his honor to meet me. He asked me if I was okay, how I enjoyed my trip, how I liked Australia, my name, he touched my face. And despite the fact that he tells all the fans he loves them? Well, for that moment in time, he told me, directly to me that he loved me. It was enough to inspire me for almost another decade and he helped me create the happiest and most exciting day of my life.
In 2003 almost exactly 10 years to the day of the 1993 allegations, new ones broke. Now, I had spent a lot of time researching the first Michael Jackson case. I know lots of things that the general public wouldn’t know. Like for instance, Michael Jackson never wanted to settle the case civilly. I had to research American Law. I found that you couldn’t have a criminal suit before a civil suit. I found out that Michael Jackson fought to have this reversed. He wanted it to be tried in a criminal suit (for those who don’t understand, this means he would never have paid Jordan Chandler, but rather would have went before a jury just like he did in 2005 and had it tried properly) but the judge denied the motion. He was given bogus advice and was in the prime of his success and so he was basically forced to settle for the price they agreed upon civilly. Additionally, David Schwartz, the stepfather of the accuser, secretly taped a conversation with Evan Chandler (the accusers father) to later use to help Michael Jackson (but later Schwartz jumped ships and decided to join in the extortion).
“There are other people involved that are waiting for my phone call that are in certain positions. I’ve paid them to do it. Everything’s going according to a certain plan that isn’t just mine. Once I make that phone call, this guy [his attorney, Barry K. Rothman, presumably] is going to destroy everybody in sight in any devious, nasty, cruel way that he can do it. And I’ve given him full authority to do that” (Chandler to Shwartz)
Chandler then predicted what would, in fact, transpire six weeks later: “And if I go through with this, I win big-time. There’s no way I lose. I’ve checked that inside out. I will get everything I want, and they will be destroyed forever. June will lose [custody of the son]...and Michael’s career will be over.”
“Does that help [the boy]?” Schwartz asked.
“That’s irrelevant to me,” Chandler replied.
“It’s going to be bigger than all of us put together. The whole thing is going
to crash down on everybody and destroy everybody in sight. It will be a massacre
if I don’t get what I want.”
(GQ “Was Michael Jackson Framed?” October, 1994 )
Of course the above never really made it to press because the world was too busy tripping over themselves to see their own Peter Pan turned pervert. And while the world always asked, “If he was innocent, why did he settle?” I always wondered, “If you were any sort of parent, wouldn’t you have wanted justice to prevail so the “predator” doesn’t strike again?)
The 2003 allegations seemed more serious, people ran with the idea that since he was accused once and “got off” (even though he was actually never charged with anything at all in 1993/1994) it must of course be a silent admission of guilt. The accusers were predictable and ridiculous this time around though, and unlike Evan Chandler, Janet Arviso (the mother of the 2003 accuser) wasn’t very bright.
I was forced to research this one to the high heavens and learn about U.S Law faster than I could blink. It blew up very quickly and before I knew it, my hero had been arrested, handcuffed and charged with 14 counts of misconduct with a minor known from the disgusting Martin Bashir interview (February 6, 2003) as Gavin Arviso.
It surprised no one that Tom Sneddon, the District Attorney who was in charge of the 1993 investigation, was also heading the 2003 investigation. Furthermore, the same media mogul, Diane Dimond who broke the 1993 case was also allowed special access to “break” the 2003 case (her Court TV crew was at Neverland the day both raids occurred before any other journalists new). During 1993 Michael Jackson was forced to submit to “investigative” photographs of his genitalia to “prove” that the accusations Jordan Chandler had made about particular scarring in that area was the case. Later most media outlets failed to report, was not actually the case (there was no match to the child’s description) Despite the fact that these photos were supposed to be sealed, a former friend of Sneddon’s had recounted that he had, in fact, passed them around and “shared a laugh”.
In a press conference just after Michael Jackson’s 2003 arrest Sneddon was critisised for referring to Michael as “Wacko Jacko”, and also for speaking prematurely having been quoted saying, “we got him!” (ha)
I felt from the get-go that the case was a witch-hunt. I supported Michael Jackson whole-heartedly until I had red-handed evidence to prove otherwise. (I’m one of those very few people who believe in innocent until proven guilty, not guilty until proven guilty.) I am a very independent thinking person; I am also a very intelligent person and became offended when people would brand me a “naïve fan”. I did my research, and I did it very well. I knew what I believed and why I believed it and unlike the people who accused me of being blinded by my admiration, I didn’t just rely on the news vendors to feed me their idea of “balanced information”. I decided that after all Michael had done to enrich my life indirectly, I would also like to help bring him support, even if it was also indirect.
I did a lot of radio interviews within Australia sharing my knowledge. I was interviewed by newspapers and I helped organize some information distribution within Sydney along with a group of Australian Michael Jackson fans. Then my lovely friend Dorinny and I, decided in April 2005 that we wanted to go to Santa Maria to support him.
We didn’t expect to meet him, we just wanted to be another face in the supporting crowd. One more banner, one more voice shouting support, we knew that it gave him the strength to get up and go to court every morning and to keep his head held high. He was looking at a jail term of up to 26 yrs. Of course each time I had a fleeting thought of this, tears would well up in my eyes and I couldn’t even begin to grasp any sort of reality of it.
We read transcripts of what was going on in the courtroom on a daily basis (and let me tell you now, unless you read those transcripts, you really didn’t learn anything about what kind of people screwed Michael Jackson over). 45 seats were raffled off every morning to the public and so fans would also come back each afternoon and give their reports. We read the backlash media reports making Michael Jackson out to sound like some kind of sinister freak who created Neverland to reel in the children.
I’m sorry though, 2 victims in ten years? Wow, he really knows what he wants doesn’t he? A very particular man who is amongst a smorgasbord of children and has been for the past 25 years – erm, really that makes no sense. The other “accusers” that popped up during the trial, were pretty much heckled out by the media as well.
Dorin and I got to California and hoped that perhaps we might get in to the courtroom and observe just once, but we were not expecting it. Low and behold, the very first day there we got our ticket and got to sit in, just meters away from our hero. We sat through a day of court, hearing witnesses testify for the prosecution, and then cross-examined by Thomas Mesereau, Michael’s champion lawyer who would cut down the witnesses and show us just how laughable their testimonies were.
I had the good fortune of watching Janet Arviso (the mother of the accuser) and I found myself along with media, and jurors laughing at her ridiculous claims. (Michael Jackson was evil and wanted to make them disappear by putting them on a hot air balloon. No, seriously. – Apparently they’d disappear in to thin air and no one would hear of them again? Wow Michael, you’re such a genius.) The entire time Michael just watched on, sometimes shaking his head, sometimes looking at the desk he was sitting at.
We would go to Neverland every day after court. (We got in to the court room 3 times on my 4th day I left early because I was sick.), on the way out-racing Michael Jackson’s car, winding down our windows screaming our support to his car window and waving frantically, showing our banners and trying to avoid car accidents.
It humbled my heart to see just how many fans were there from all over the world in support for him. We met fans from France, Sweden, UK, Spain, other U.S cities, Poland, etc.
In my time I had put together a special book for Michael that I had hoped that I could give to one of his security or someone working for him to give to him. It was a book of all the letters I had ever written him (the ones that I mentioned earlier that my Mum had promised to send had been found in a drawer when I moved away at about 16 yrs old, plus the ones I had kept writing). I also included photos of my friends and other Aussie fans, things I’d written about him in the past, and special little Michael Jackson projects I’d put together… The thing is, as a Michael Jackson fan you’ll know that he loves to receive personally made gifts more than material ones. He loves to collect banners and letters and cards and things, so I really felt like my idea would be original. You can see some of my book here.
At Neverland after the first day in Santa Maria, I managed to give him my book personally. It was heavy and he took it from me as I passed it through his car window, someone else helped him take it (his Mother) as I told him that we were there from Australia and he said thank you and God Bless Australia. Of course, the added bonus was him holding out his hand to me. I gave it a little squeeze and said “I love you.” And I felt him squeeze my hand back.
I stayed in Santa Maria for 12 days (Dorin could only stay for five) and had another chance to speak to him on my second last day. It was very brief but I got to hold his hand again and tell him, I was always supporting him no matter what. He said, “Thank you, God bless you.” And held my hand again. There were moments where we held banners for him just kms from his home where he slowed his car and had his father film us while he waved and smiled. (And gosh, how brilliant was it to see him still being able to find joy at a time like that.) and I never regretted a second of my trip, despite being told by others that I would.
The trial ended on June 13, 2005. As it loomed closer, my friends and I became more scared. It was around the time that I traveled overseas (but must I stress, not for this reason) that I began to find solace in God. I had been praying a lot over 2004 and 2005 for Michael Jackson, but I had begun praying then not for what I wanted, but for what God willed. I prayed not for him to be vindicated, but for the right result. It would be a lie to say that I wasn’t depressed. I thought about the outcome of the verdict constantly. I was stressed about it and felt really ridiculous for becoming engrossed in someone else’s life, but actually, I feel the same sickness for anyone who is about to lose their life for nothing. It just felt more personal because Michael has been like my best mate for the past 14 or so years, someone who’d make me smile; who’d help me escape just so I could bask in the bliss of his music and dance.
On the morning of June 13, at 5am I had a phone call from a friend telling me that the verdict was about to be read. We had a phone pool going. Guy called me, I called Anna, I called Val. We all got online. We waited. I prayed. I don’t know that I’ve ever prayed with such fervor in my entire life. I cried. I couldn’t feel my palms through the tingling. I felt like they would “get” him on something since the whole trial had seemed like such a set-up. Even the Judge seemed so ridiculously biased and throughout the duration of the trial, he had not granted one single motion that MJ’s team had made.
So, I prayed. With each count read out one by one, I thought about how Michael must have felt. I thought mostly about his children – what would they do without a father? Who would take them? How could they ever have a normal life? I cried and prayed for them. With each "not guilty” read, a flood of tears escaped my eyes and I prayed until I waited for the next one.
“Not guilty.” I praised God and prayed until all the counts had been read and found innocent. He was cleared of all 14 charges. Vindicated, proven innocent. We celebrated. We went out for dinner, we cried, we hung out it was just so brilliant that it was all over.
Of course there were many who said that just because he “got off” didn’t mean he was innocent – however, I always wondered that if he had been found guilty and sentenced to 26 yrs (or life) in prison, if anyone would have ever turned around and said, “Well that doesn’t really mean he’s guilty!” … The answer is a resounding no. And here’s why;
Michael Jackson isn’t your average Joe. He suffers from vitiligo, he has had plastic surgery, he doesn’t look “normal” like you or I, and apparently eccentricities and all those things are requisites of a guilty man. If Michael Jackson was a very normal looking man who did all the same humanitarian things he has done, if he was masculine looking and had striking good looks, the case would have been heckled out of court. It only went on as long and as dramatically as it did, because it was Michael Jackson and because of the stigma that has been attached to his name since day one.
I used to put Michael Jackson on pedestal and I idolized him, but I’ve realized that he is also human. He is a man, a very human one, with human feelings and emotions just like you or I. He isn’t a robot, there is only so much a man can take without being broken. He inspires me because he still to this day can walk with his chin held high and hasn’t changed one little bit despite the wicked words and continual ridicule.
To some people he might be just a weirdo, an eccentric freak who is now “washed-up” but my own; almost lifetime research has shown me (and thankfully lots of people who have been willing to listen to me) otherwise.
During the trial, at one point when I bought my very first bible, I opened it up looking for words of comfort and it was this passage that was the first one I looked at and it stayed with me until the end of the trial.
“But Look! God will not reject a person of integrity, nor will he make evildoers prosper. He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy. Those who hate you will be clothed in shame and the tent of the wicked shall be destroyed.” – Job 8:20Michael Jackson, to the world you might just be one person, but to this one person you mean the world. Thank you for everything you’ve given me – both directly and indirectly.
I'm the worst friend on the face of the planet
Seriously.
My friend's wedding party? It's on now and I'm not there. I'm one of those people that are so anti-social that will do just about anything or make up any excuse not to have to go to something that involves me interacting with people I've never met because I do feel that socially retarded. However, this was not one of those things and I was really looking forward to going because Caro was excited about me meeting some of her friends, and I've met some of them before and they were easy-going. Also, I hadn't seen her fiance's family in a long time and it would be nice to see them again.
So what happened? I was relying on my Mum to drive me out, cos its about 1.30hr from here. She was going to go visit a friend just so I could go for an hour or two (since I had no other way of getting there or getting home) and she thought it was sunday. I went to bed knowing it was today, but for some reason when I woke up, I remembered thinking "wait up, today is only the 15th....Wow, thank God I checked that... that would be so embarrassing turning up today." That was about 10am, then I mosied around the house for awhile and watched TV and at about 12, I was checking a forum that I frequent, and I remembered a bulletin the artist posted about an album coming out "on the 16th" and at midnight he said, "you can buy it today!" .... and then it dawned on me. (Isn't it effed up how things dawn on you like that?) so I rush out to my Mum thinking it wasn't too late, I'd just have to get dressed and I'd be late.
I yelled at my Mum for not reminding me. We got in to a fight (she was still in her pajamas) she says "too bad, it's too late." She too, apparently thought it was tomorrow. So she refused to do anything about it. So I had to call and cancel.
I'm really, really upset about it. And bless her she was so understanding, but gosh, if it were me, I'd be so pissed and I'd be wondering where my friend's priorities are... I am trying to think of other ways to get there, but unfortunately they don't come with ways to get back...
I'm the biggest asshole friend on the face of the planet, and Caro, it's okay if you feel that way too. :( I promise I would never have wanted to miss it in a million years.
My friend's wedding party? It's on now and I'm not there. I'm one of those people that are so anti-social that will do just about anything or make up any excuse not to have to go to something that involves me interacting with people I've never met because I do feel that socially retarded. However, this was not one of those things and I was really looking forward to going because Caro was excited about me meeting some of her friends, and I've met some of them before and they were easy-going. Also, I hadn't seen her fiance's family in a long time and it would be nice to see them again.
So what happened? I was relying on my Mum to drive me out, cos its about 1.30hr from here. She was going to go visit a friend just so I could go for an hour or two (since I had no other way of getting there or getting home) and she thought it was sunday. I went to bed knowing it was today, but for some reason when I woke up, I remembered thinking "wait up, today is only the 15th....Wow, thank God I checked that... that would be so embarrassing turning up today." That was about 10am, then I mosied around the house for awhile and watched TV and at about 12, I was checking a forum that I frequent, and I remembered a bulletin the artist posted about an album coming out "on the 16th" and at midnight he said, "you can buy it today!" .... and then it dawned on me. (Isn't it effed up how things dawn on you like that?) so I rush out to my Mum thinking it wasn't too late, I'd just have to get dressed and I'd be late.
I yelled at my Mum for not reminding me. We got in to a fight (she was still in her pajamas) she says "too bad, it's too late." She too, apparently thought it was tomorrow. So she refused to do anything about it. So I had to call and cancel.
I'm really, really upset about it. And bless her she was so understanding, but gosh, if it were me, I'd be so pissed and I'd be wondering where my friend's priorities are... I am trying to think of other ways to get there, but unfortunately they don't come with ways to get back...
I'm the biggest asshole friend on the face of the planet, and Caro, it's okay if you feel that way too. :( I promise I would never have wanted to miss it in a million years.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
At last some progress...
Thank the good Lord for Ice Gel which numbs all my troubles away...
So we're making slow and steady progress. After spending the past 4 days bawling my eyes out like a 5 yr old in absolute agony, I feel slightly better. My legs aren't aching as hardcore as they were, and it seems afforementioned stupid doctor may not have been so stupid after all. Oopsie. However, that doesn't take away the fact that she was dumb for not listening when I said I was in so much pain that panadol wasn't doing anything.
I have things planned next week so I really hope that I feel better. Also, Caro has her wedding party this weekend and I want to be better by then. Since, I still don't have my car (we put it in to be fixed on monday) I'm having my Mum drive me out to Caro's which is cool. I don't know how long I'll stay, I guess it depends on how my stupid legs are going.
In other news, Penny and I were very excited to know that Placebo are in fact in Australia. I'm an idiot though, cause I haven't been keeping up with any gig guides over the past few months and I had no idea they were even touring. And in fact, if I wasn't so sick and had a bit of initiative about me, I could have got tickets to see them at Rove the other night. If their concert was in October, I'd have loved to have gone, but the concert is here in Melbourne on Friday night and well... I don't really have any money to be throwing around at gigs anymore. Next time. Did I mention that Brian Molko has such pretty eyes??
Anyhoozle. At least I can sit at the computer for more than half an hour without wanting to go and eat a bowl full of painkillers and pass out in bed for a couple of days.
Thanks to everyone for your lovely thoughtful messages. I hope I continue to get better from here on. I don't want to speak too soon though.
xoxo
Jess
So we're making slow and steady progress. After spending the past 4 days bawling my eyes out like a 5 yr old in absolute agony, I feel slightly better. My legs aren't aching as hardcore as they were, and it seems afforementioned stupid doctor may not have been so stupid after all. Oopsie. However, that doesn't take away the fact that she was dumb for not listening when I said I was in so much pain that panadol wasn't doing anything.
I have things planned next week so I really hope that I feel better. Also, Caro has her wedding party this weekend and I want to be better by then. Since, I still don't have my car (we put it in to be fixed on monday) I'm having my Mum drive me out to Caro's which is cool. I don't know how long I'll stay, I guess it depends on how my stupid legs are going.
In other news, Penny and I were very excited to know that Placebo are in fact in Australia. I'm an idiot though, cause I haven't been keeping up with any gig guides over the past few months and I had no idea they were even touring. And in fact, if I wasn't so sick and had a bit of initiative about me, I could have got tickets to see them at Rove the other night. If their concert was in October, I'd have loved to have gone, but the concert is here in Melbourne on Friday night and well... I don't really have any money to be throwing around at gigs anymore. Next time. Did I mention that Brian Molko has such pretty eyes??
Anyhoozle. At least I can sit at the computer for more than half an hour without wanting to go and eat a bowl full of painkillers and pass out in bed for a couple of days.
Thanks to everyone for your lovely thoughtful messages. I hope I continue to get better from here on. I don't want to speak too soon though.
xoxo
Jess
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Viral Arthritis... is it even possible?
Ok here's medical report #423044.
I went back to the dr today okay. 3 days ago, I woke up to pain in my legs, over the day it got progressively worse til yesterday afternoon, I was crying in pain. The only relief I could get was lying in the one spot and not moving at all for hours. I slept as much as I could. I slept til about 2pm, went back to sleep at 4pm, and went to bed around 9:30pm. The pain started from my thighs to my lower shins. Just a dull ache. No swelling, no redness, no muscular ache. It wasn't even sore to the touch. My joints just ached really bad and I couldn't get comfortable.
I couldn't sit up for more than a few minutes at a time. I couldn't walk around much. The only time I experienced full pain relief was when I was lying in the bathtub of really hot water. After the bath I had temporary pain relief, and eventually just had to go and lay down again.
I woke up this morning with the same. Crying my eyes out all morning. Finally, I went back to the doctor only to be informed she was running really late. I wasn't able to sit up for that long, so I asked to see the next available doctor. I made my Mum come with me this time. The dr I saw, looked all of about 12 yrs old. She hardly spoke English and so we explained my symptoms. She checked me over. I told her about my main concern, my legs...
She asked questions. I told her it was just pain. She tells Mum that it's probably because of the virus that I've just had and that it's in my bones. She said, "viral arthritis." Rightio then. She said "You'll probably find it'll get better by about two weeks."
TWO WEEKS???? I'm sorry lady, I can't handle it for even 1 more day :( :( :(
She tells me, "take paracetamol." Good Lord... if paracetamol helped me, do you think I'd even be here?? My Mum said to her, "She was up all night crying in pain, paracetamol isn't doing a thing." she paused for like ... 15 seconds and then nodded knowingly and said again, "Take paracetamol..."
.... wha... ???
What a bloody waste of time. I got home, fell back in to bed and cried all afternoon. I had a bath and rubbed ice gel in to it. And it's given me some pain relief, thankfully, I am able to sit up for a bit. I can feel the pain still but it's not as bad as it was earlier. I'm not crying anymore? I hope that it gets progressively better, because right now it hurts so much. :(
I have a wedding party to go to this weekend, and also I have stuff planned next week. :(:( I've been praying a lot about this illness, cos I feel like it's really brought me right down in an already crappy few weeks, but I just want to feel completely well. I hope that this, like everything else will pass, God willing.
xox
Jess
I went back to the dr today okay. 3 days ago, I woke up to pain in my legs, over the day it got progressively worse til yesterday afternoon, I was crying in pain. The only relief I could get was lying in the one spot and not moving at all for hours. I slept as much as I could. I slept til about 2pm, went back to sleep at 4pm, and went to bed around 9:30pm. The pain started from my thighs to my lower shins. Just a dull ache. No swelling, no redness, no muscular ache. It wasn't even sore to the touch. My joints just ached really bad and I couldn't get comfortable.
I couldn't sit up for more than a few minutes at a time. I couldn't walk around much. The only time I experienced full pain relief was when I was lying in the bathtub of really hot water. After the bath I had temporary pain relief, and eventually just had to go and lay down again.
I woke up this morning with the same. Crying my eyes out all morning. Finally, I went back to the doctor only to be informed she was running really late. I wasn't able to sit up for that long, so I asked to see the next available doctor. I made my Mum come with me this time. The dr I saw, looked all of about 12 yrs old. She hardly spoke English and so we explained my symptoms. She checked me over. I told her about my main concern, my legs...
She asked questions. I told her it was just pain. She tells Mum that it's probably because of the virus that I've just had and that it's in my bones. She said, "viral arthritis." Rightio then. She said "You'll probably find it'll get better by about two weeks."
TWO WEEKS???? I'm sorry lady, I can't handle it for even 1 more day :( :( :(
She tells me, "take paracetamol." Good Lord... if paracetamol helped me, do you think I'd even be here?? My Mum said to her, "She was up all night crying in pain, paracetamol isn't doing a thing." she paused for like ... 15 seconds and then nodded knowingly and said again, "Take paracetamol..."
.... wha... ???
What a bloody waste of time. I got home, fell back in to bed and cried all afternoon. I had a bath and rubbed ice gel in to it. And it's given me some pain relief, thankfully, I am able to sit up for a bit. I can feel the pain still but it's not as bad as it was earlier. I'm not crying anymore? I hope that it gets progressively better, because right now it hurts so much. :(
I have a wedding party to go to this weekend, and also I have stuff planned next week. :(:( I've been praying a lot about this illness, cos I feel like it's really brought me right down in an already crappy few weeks, but I just want to feel completely well. I hope that this, like everything else will pass, God willing.
xox
Jess
Monday, September 11, 2006
Why oh why won't you go away?
My bones hurt. I know that sounds funny, but my chest bone, tailbone, spine, my hip bones, my ribs, my knees, my shins... everything aches. It hurts to be sitting up and it hurts to be laying down. It hurts to put any pressure on any of them. It's really painful and nothing is relieving it. It started to get progressively worse over yesterday. I've tried to sleep it off but it didn't work. I spent all morning until about 2pm today trying to sleep it off, but it's still as painful as it was last night.
I'm so over being sick. The whole coughing thing, the feeling of constant indigestion. Ouch. And damn my freakin really poor lung capacity. It'd be great if I could cough without feeling like I'm going to become deprived of oxygen in the process. *Punches self in lung*
:( My Mum tells me the aching bones thing is just the virus, but I'm not convinced. I'm going to go back to the drs tomorrow. Which reminds me, I need to take my antibiotics. I keep forgetting.
:(:(
I'm so over being sick. The whole coughing thing, the feeling of constant indigestion. Ouch. And damn my freakin really poor lung capacity. It'd be great if I could cough without feeling like I'm going to become deprived of oxygen in the process. *Punches self in lung*
:( My Mum tells me the aching bones thing is just the virus, but I'm not convinced. I'm going to go back to the drs tomorrow. Which reminds me, I need to take my antibiotics. I keep forgetting.
:(:(
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Day 6 of the dreaded virus.
Yuck :(
I've been sitting at the computer for small intervals throughout the past 2 days, so I know I'm getting better slowly. My head hurts still so much. My taste buds no longer work. My right ear is blocked and it's bugging the crap out of me. I've probably lost a few kgs cos I have hardly eaten anything.
I'm all coughed out. Literally. I'm sure that over the past three nights my Mum and stepfather have wanted to break in to my room and actually smother me with a pillow. Each time I'd fall asleep I'd be woken up again by my own coughing. It's really hard for me when I get a really deep chest cough cos it's difficult to find the lung capacity to inhale deep enough to cough it out. It usually takes a good couple of minutes to cough up each turn. It's frustrating and it gives me the worst chest pains and headaches. Imagine the annoying sound of a constant cough?
Each time I'd wake up and do that I'd see my dog looking at me at the end of my bed with an evil twinkle in her eye pretending to sleep on the pillow, but I'm sure seconds prior to my waking, she was about to suffocate me with it.
Anyway, since I have no idea where my good ol'e trusty vapouriser disappeared to (I have a strange suspicion some bright spark gave it to my neice) my Mum is currently trying to push me into buying a new one. I'm such a scrooge though at the moment, and don't really want to fork over the money when I know my cough should completely leave me in about a month (haha).
I have to go back to the dr on tuesday. My back and my tummy are in so much coughing pain... Or perhaps more straining from the cough. I still need more rest tho. It's just such crap to be so sick. I hate it. blah.
I just had a spaghetti sandwich which tasted like pineapple (my taste buds are screwed, I tell you) and for some reason everything I drink tastes like cheap alcohol (and I don't really like alcohol).
So that's about that for now. I'm going back to lay down and inevitably watch more episodes of the Fresh Prince (yes, I know, there's only so many episodes, but I've watched a couple multiple times now... I'm really that sad.)
Jess
I've been sitting at the computer for small intervals throughout the past 2 days, so I know I'm getting better slowly. My head hurts still so much. My taste buds no longer work. My right ear is blocked and it's bugging the crap out of me. I've probably lost a few kgs cos I have hardly eaten anything.
I'm all coughed out. Literally. I'm sure that over the past three nights my Mum and stepfather have wanted to break in to my room and actually smother me with a pillow. Each time I'd fall asleep I'd be woken up again by my own coughing. It's really hard for me when I get a really deep chest cough cos it's difficult to find the lung capacity to inhale deep enough to cough it out. It usually takes a good couple of minutes to cough up each turn. It's frustrating and it gives me the worst chest pains and headaches. Imagine the annoying sound of a constant cough?
Each time I'd wake up and do that I'd see my dog looking at me at the end of my bed with an evil twinkle in her eye pretending to sleep on the pillow, but I'm sure seconds prior to my waking, she was about to suffocate me with it.
Anyway, since I have no idea where my good ol'e trusty vapouriser disappeared to (I have a strange suspicion some bright spark gave it to my neice) my Mum is currently trying to push me into buying a new one. I'm such a scrooge though at the moment, and don't really want to fork over the money when I know my cough should completely leave me in about a month (haha).
I have to go back to the dr on tuesday. My back and my tummy are in so much coughing pain... Or perhaps more straining from the cough. I still need more rest tho. It's just such crap to be so sick. I hate it. blah.
I just had a spaghetti sandwich which tasted like pineapple (my taste buds are screwed, I tell you) and for some reason everything I drink tastes like cheap alcohol (and I don't really like alcohol).
So that's about that for now. I'm going back to lay down and inevitably watch more episodes of the Fresh Prince (yes, I know, there's only so many episodes, but I've watched a couple multiple times now... I'm really that sad.)
Jess
Friday, September 08, 2006
Sunday Scribbling #24 - I would never write...
I’ve had my very own online journal since diaryland opened in 1998 (that’s 8 years ago!) and in that time I have made many mistakes with the posting of private information about myself, my friends and other people. I would write freely, naively thinking that the only people reading were one or two close friends.
I got popular and moved on to my own self-made website blog. I no longer referred to friends as single initials. My blogs then included pictures and more detailed information. All of my online friends and all of my offline friends would read. Knowing this, whenever I’d have a fight with a friend, I would post about it cryptically on my journal, leaving all of my friends wondering if it was them that I was slurring and bitching about. I kinda liked causing a bit of drama, it kept things interesting.
Then something happened. I felt momentarily upset about a stupid incident with my very best friend. So, what did I do? I wrote her a letter. I posted it on my journal. It was clear to all of my readers who I was talking about. I left out names of course, but it wasn’t rocket science. I listed all of her faults, and listing my only fault was thinking that she cared about me. This was letter was single-handedly responsible for ending a 5 year long inseparable friendship with one of the closest friends I’d ever had.
It was all because of an irrational, and only temporary feeling. If I had slept on it before posting it and still felt the same way in the morning then things would have been different. But because of all the words that I acted as if had bled out of me after just a little grazing, I hurt my friend irreparably.
Months later, apologies were made amicably, though things had just been too far damaged to actually just move on and grow as friends. And I didn’t blame her at all.
So since then I have learned a very precious and valuable lesson.
I will never ever write a letter to one of my friends online. Write cryptically about an argument I’ve had with one of my friends hoping that she/he reads what I’ve written about them and feels hurt, I will never try to stir any drama through my blog or write in too much detail about my friends or family’s lives. I will never write their names unless I know that it’s completely okay with them.
And 4 years since I wrote that silly letter on my website, said best-friend and I have only just completely reconciled and are in constant and completely comfortable contact again. For that, I am so supremely grateful.
http://sundayscribblings.blogspot.com
I got popular and moved on to my own self-made website blog. I no longer referred to friends as single initials. My blogs then included pictures and more detailed information. All of my online friends and all of my offline friends would read. Knowing this, whenever I’d have a fight with a friend, I would post about it cryptically on my journal, leaving all of my friends wondering if it was them that I was slurring and bitching about. I kinda liked causing a bit of drama, it kept things interesting.
Then something happened. I felt momentarily upset about a stupid incident with my very best friend. So, what did I do? I wrote her a letter. I posted it on my journal. It was clear to all of my readers who I was talking about. I left out names of course, but it wasn’t rocket science. I listed all of her faults, and listing my only fault was thinking that she cared about me. This was letter was single-handedly responsible for ending a 5 year long inseparable friendship with one of the closest friends I’d ever had.
It was all because of an irrational, and only temporary feeling. If I had slept on it before posting it and still felt the same way in the morning then things would have been different. But because of all the words that I acted as if had bled out of me after just a little grazing, I hurt my friend irreparably.
Months later, apologies were made amicably, though things had just been too far damaged to actually just move on and grow as friends. And I didn’t blame her at all.
So since then I have learned a very precious and valuable lesson.
I will never ever write a letter to one of my friends online. Write cryptically about an argument I’ve had with one of my friends hoping that she/he reads what I’ve written about them and feels hurt, I will never try to stir any drama through my blog or write in too much detail about my friends or family’s lives. I will never write their names unless I know that it’s completely okay with them.
And 4 years since I wrote that silly letter on my website, said best-friend and I have only just completely reconciled and are in constant and completely comfortable contact again. For that, I am so supremely grateful.
http://sundayscribblings.blogspot.com
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
I'm so pathetic, picture this...
I stayed up all night sleeping in only short intervals, writhing around groaning in absolute pain. I was so exhausted from coughing. I couldn't breathe. I was taking as many shots of ventolin as possible (my heart was beating so freakin' hard) and my head felt really heavy with a migraine that wouldn't go away, even after I slept for a short spell.
I woke up crying and coughing even more but so much that it hurt. My chest rattling, etc. I made an appointment for the dr. I wanted to vomit so bad, but was holding back (I haven't vomited "properly" in ten years, normally I spit up a little by little until I feel satisfied.) So I sat in the drs office bawling my eyes out cos I wanted to throw up so bad. They kept asking if I was okay. I was dizzy and freezing cold. The dr. brought me in to her office and asked if I was fine. I said, "I want to vomitttttttt...." She looked at me like I had two heads, "So vomit?" I said, "I don't wanna vomittttttttttttt...." as I started crying again... She said nothing and sat down haha.
See, I will do anything to get around vomiting, because even though I know I'm "okay" the last time I vomited, I had a major hammorhage and lost about 1 litre and some of bloody and ended up for months in hospital. So perhaps it's a justified phobia. She told me that I have some kind of viral infection and gave me a buttload of antibiotics. She also told me that I had a fever which was why I was so freakin' cold. She basically told me to come home and come straight to bed and not get out lol. (Here I am?)
I've slept for most of the day.... and am taking my antibiotics and paracetamol. But my head still feels so bloody heavy. My Mum is also a little bit better, but we're both feeling really crap. Chest pains ahoy. Sore coughing tummys. I've been laying in bed watching endless Fresh Prince of Bel-air episodes with a cold towel on my head.
And so basically this entry was to paint a picture to you of how much of a whiney baby I am. I'm definitely not a silent trooper haha.
I woke up crying and coughing even more but so much that it hurt. My chest rattling, etc. I made an appointment for the dr. I wanted to vomit so bad, but was holding back (I haven't vomited "properly" in ten years, normally I spit up a little by little until I feel satisfied.) So I sat in the drs office bawling my eyes out cos I wanted to throw up so bad. They kept asking if I was okay. I was dizzy and freezing cold. The dr. brought me in to her office and asked if I was fine. I said, "I want to vomitttttttt...." She looked at me like I had two heads, "So vomit?" I said, "I don't wanna vomittttttttttttt...." as I started crying again... She said nothing and sat down haha.
See, I will do anything to get around vomiting, because even though I know I'm "okay" the last time I vomited, I had a major hammorhage and lost about 1 litre and some of bloody and ended up for months in hospital. So perhaps it's a justified phobia. She told me that I have some kind of viral infection and gave me a buttload of antibiotics. She also told me that I had a fever which was why I was so freakin' cold. She basically told me to come home and come straight to bed and not get out lol. (Here I am?)
I've slept for most of the day.... and am taking my antibiotics and paracetamol. But my head still feels so bloody heavy. My Mum is also a little bit better, but we're both feeling really crap. Chest pains ahoy. Sore coughing tummys. I've been laying in bed watching endless Fresh Prince of Bel-air episodes with a cold towel on my head.
And so basically this entry was to paint a picture to you of how much of a whiney baby I am. I'm definitely not a silent trooper haha.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Monday, September 04, 2006
Sick, sick, always bloody sick.
My Mum has a really bad chest infection. Next week she has to go for a lung test to make sure she doesn't has emphesema since it runs in the fam. Superb.
Somehow I managed to pick up her bug. I have a really heavy cough sitting on my chest that feels really sharp to cough up. I was convinced a little earlier that I was coughing blood cos it tasted all metallic, but of course I was too scared to check. Now I'm convinced I'm just a paranoid moron most of the time.
Anyway, I hope that I don't get as sick as my Mum. I haven't seen her since saturday afternoon. Shes been in bed. I have started taking all the ventolin and the seretide that we have stocked. I'm the resident drug addict -- at least in this household anyway.
I feel like crap. I have a huge headache and my chest kinda hurts. I have the worst after-cough taste in my mouth so I think I'll be all drugged up and in bed early tonight.
BAH!
Somehow I managed to pick up her bug. I have a really heavy cough sitting on my chest that feels really sharp to cough up. I was convinced a little earlier that I was coughing blood cos it tasted all metallic, but of course I was too scared to check. Now I'm convinced I'm just a paranoid moron most of the time.
Anyway, I hope that I don't get as sick as my Mum. I haven't seen her since saturday afternoon. Shes been in bed. I have started taking all the ventolin and the seretide that we have stocked. I'm the resident drug addict -- at least in this household anyway.
I feel like crap. I have a huge headache and my chest kinda hurts. I have the worst after-cough taste in my mouth so I think I'll be all drugged up and in bed early tonight.
BAH!
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Sunday Scribblings: #23 Fortune Cookies
When I think of fortune cookies, I think of fortunes that never ring true – or things that are most obvious. The last time I got a fortune cookie, I was at a restaurant with my Aunt and my Mum. I decided it would be amusing to rumple up the stupid fortune which I knew would never come true, in to a ball.
I lodged the ball in to the end of my drinking straw and shot it at my Mum. I think they were so shocked by my very mature actions that they both just laughed and warned me to cut-it-out. That’s right, you can’t take me anywhere. I’m sure that was the last time anyone from that place will pass me a stupid fortune cookie.
And what’s the g-o with how they taste?! I’m sure if I went home and munched on a piece of dry wall it’d taste about the same. I’m no expert, and I don’t regularly gnaw on dry wall for fun, but if I were to, that’s what I assume it would taste like.
Fortune cookies remind me of The Simpsons. (Everything in life comes back to the Simpsons) when Homer is employed to write the fortunes. He writes one for Mr. Burns saying, “You will find love on Flag Day.” And that day happens to be Flag Day. When the Chinese delivery boy asks for a tip, Mr. Burns puts on a fake accent and says, “Me sowwy, me no speak no Chinese.” And I laughed at it’s inappropriateness.
I read recently on a site that had engagement suggestions, how to pop the question. One of the suggestions was putting the engagement ring in to a fortune cookie. WHAT THE DIDDLY WHAT?! Who actually would do such a gay thing?! (Yes, I’m one of those youngin’s who replace words like ‘stupid’ and ‘ridiculous’ with ‘gay’) Firstly, whatever happened to popping the question like a normal person by getting down on one knee, taking her hand and asking for marriage? And secondly, is that trying to make a statement by saying that you are her fortune? A bit presumptuous mate. If someone proposed to me like that (which, let’s face it, is probably never going to happen.) I’d say no, just because the proposal idea was so dumb – and not to mention, I have a thing about food tampering.
And so that’s my friends, is my Sunday Scribbling on Fortune Cookies.
I lodged the ball in to the end of my drinking straw and shot it at my Mum. I think they were so shocked by my very mature actions that they both just laughed and warned me to cut-it-out. That’s right, you can’t take me anywhere. I’m sure that was the last time anyone from that place will pass me a stupid fortune cookie.
And what’s the g-o with how they taste?! I’m sure if I went home and munched on a piece of dry wall it’d taste about the same. I’m no expert, and I don’t regularly gnaw on dry wall for fun, but if I were to, that’s what I assume it would taste like.
Fortune cookies remind me of The Simpsons. (Everything in life comes back to the Simpsons) when Homer is employed to write the fortunes. He writes one for Mr. Burns saying, “You will find love on Flag Day.” And that day happens to be Flag Day. When the Chinese delivery boy asks for a tip, Mr. Burns puts on a fake accent and says, “Me sowwy, me no speak no Chinese.” And I laughed at it’s inappropriateness.
I read recently on a site that had engagement suggestions, how to pop the question. One of the suggestions was putting the engagement ring in to a fortune cookie. WHAT THE DIDDLY WHAT?! Who actually would do such a gay thing?! (Yes, I’m one of those youngin’s who replace words like ‘stupid’ and ‘ridiculous’ with ‘gay’) Firstly, whatever happened to popping the question like a normal person by getting down on one knee, taking her hand and asking for marriage? And secondly, is that trying to make a statement by saying that you are her fortune? A bit presumptuous mate. If someone proposed to me like that (which, let’s face it, is probably never going to happen.) I’d say no, just because the proposal idea was so dumb – and not to mention, I have a thing about food tampering.
And so that’s my friends, is my Sunday Scribbling on Fortune Cookies.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
It must have been cold out in my shadow...
I hate myself.
Firstly, my friend called me and I said I couldn't hear him. So he said he'd call back. And I purposely let it ring out cause I didn't want to talk.
I opened my bible up to Acts... I started reading but couldn't concentrate
So I just watched Beaches instead with Bette Midler.
And I've cried so hard since it's ended that I've given myself a huge headache and my head is so full of snot.
I'm feeling depressed.
I just want to sleep, but can't, as soon as there's quiet and I'm left to think about things before sleep, I find my eyes filling up with tears.
I'm so pathetic when I'm like this.
I hate being like this.
Firstly, my friend called me and I said I couldn't hear him. So he said he'd call back. And I purposely let it ring out cause I didn't want to talk.
I opened my bible up to Acts... I started reading but couldn't concentrate
So I just watched Beaches instead with Bette Midler.
And I've cried so hard since it's ended that I've given myself a huge headache and my head is so full of snot.
I'm feeling depressed.
I just want to sleep, but can't, as soon as there's quiet and I'm left to think about things before sleep, I find my eyes filling up with tears.
I'm so pathetic when I'm like this.
I hate being like this.
I don't need anybody else cos....
Last night I tried reading the book of Isaiah. I read three chapters, I think. I've read bits and pieces before, but haven't really tried to read it all... To be completely honest, I felt confused. There's so many names and so many places that I forget who's who and where that place is, and who the kings are of what, and why oh why is Jerusalem a whore?! lol. And man, God's so angry. :(
I have a lot of trouble reading a lot of the Old Testament, actually. It's so... blood and guts and God shaking his fist and wanting to kill everyone for their transgressions. I read the book of Job last year and I think that that's the first and only OT book that I've managed to read through and enjoy. The rest is so ... hard and confusing. They're referring to the Lord of David, the Lord of Jacob ... is this not the same Lord?! Ahhh. Confusing. I gave up and turned to the Psalms instead, cause I wasn't getting too much comfort from God through Isaiah. :/
Ebaying going well. I put a pair of pajamas on ebay. They are second hand, that I've worn a bit and made no secret of it. Well, I put a $5 price on it, thinking that I'd probably drop it down cos I didn't even expect them to go for that much... They are pretty cute and they're licenced Scooby Doo PJs... but still... They have 9 bids and are at $20.50! Whoo hoo!
I'm still waiting to be paid for three jobs, and then I can get my car fixed and it seems again as though I have bills coming out of my ears. I'm trying to be really, really careful with money... Trying. (Sometimes failing). I know I have to get priorities straight in terms of bills though because I'm planning to go to Sydney next month and I'll need to put a little bit aside each week for that.
Meanwhile... I'm bored. I need a new project on the internet to keep me amused. My friend and I started this ---> http://mjjinsider.blogspot.com awhile ago... and we killed ourselves laughing at our great wit -- then obviously a couple days later decided we couldn't be bothered anymore, but I wish I had the creative energy to keep poking fun of the news. I want to do something that requires more of my brain than playing tetris or bloody slide puzzle games online.
Australian Idol is pretty cool this year. My favourites are; Reigan Derry, Damien (the Irish guy), Nathanial, Lisa Mitchell (just cos she's cute and reminds me a bit of Dorin) and pretty Ricky. Oh, Jessica Mauboy is good and so is Joseph... Now that I've named half of the top 12, I'm off to go and have a shower and wash my hair. Saturday afternoon special.
My Mum has gone for a job interview today. It annoys me a little that here I am in my 22 yr old glory, and can't get a supermarket job, but my Mum who's 50 can get an interview. WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM ME!? ... Anyway, I hope she gets it. I won't have to hear as many money woes and we'll possibly have more groceries, hence this will alleviate me from having to spend so much money each week on food.
I have a lot of trouble reading a lot of the Old Testament, actually. It's so... blood and guts and God shaking his fist and wanting to kill everyone for their transgressions. I read the book of Job last year and I think that that's the first and only OT book that I've managed to read through and enjoy. The rest is so ... hard and confusing. They're referring to the Lord of David, the Lord of Jacob ... is this not the same Lord?! Ahhh. Confusing. I gave up and turned to the Psalms instead, cause I wasn't getting too much comfort from God through Isaiah. :/
Ebaying going well. I put a pair of pajamas on ebay. They are second hand, that I've worn a bit and made no secret of it. Well, I put a $5 price on it, thinking that I'd probably drop it down cos I didn't even expect them to go for that much... They are pretty cute and they're licenced Scooby Doo PJs... but still... They have 9 bids and are at $20.50! Whoo hoo!
I'm still waiting to be paid for three jobs, and then I can get my car fixed and it seems again as though I have bills coming out of my ears. I'm trying to be really, really careful with money... Trying. (Sometimes failing). I know I have to get priorities straight in terms of bills though because I'm planning to go to Sydney next month and I'll need to put a little bit aside each week for that.
Meanwhile... I'm bored. I need a new project on the internet to keep me amused. My friend and I started this ---> http://mjjinsider.blogspot.com awhile ago... and we killed ourselves laughing at our great wit -- then obviously a couple days later decided we couldn't be bothered anymore, but I wish I had the creative energy to keep poking fun of the news. I want to do something that requires more of my brain than playing tetris or bloody slide puzzle games online.
Australian Idol is pretty cool this year. My favourites are; Reigan Derry, Damien (the Irish guy), Nathanial, Lisa Mitchell (just cos she's cute and reminds me a bit of Dorin) and pretty Ricky. Oh, Jessica Mauboy is good and so is Joseph... Now that I've named half of the top 12, I'm off to go and have a shower and wash my hair. Saturday afternoon special.
My Mum has gone for a job interview today. It annoys me a little that here I am in my 22 yr old glory, and can't get a supermarket job, but my Mum who's 50 can get an interview. WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM ME!? ... Anyway, I hope she gets it. I won't have to hear as many money woes and we'll possibly have more groceries, hence this will alleviate me from having to spend so much money each week on food.
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