I'm moving...

Yep.. I'm moving.

Please up date your links if you love me so very much. Blogger isnt for me, I dont like that I have limited privacy (id like to p/w protect particular entries and cant do that while im here)

anyhoozle...

my new link...

www.justonelung.com/blog/

Please add me to your respective blogrolls again.

Thanks muchly :D

God Bless.

My life as a song.

I went to see Rent (the movie / musical) with Sharidan last weekend (Did I mention that already?) and ever since I've been super duper obsessed with it. I want to marry Taye Diggs (for those of you who don't know who he is, he's been in "Go", "Ally McBeal" and "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" ...) and I want to live my life as a camp musical.

I made an announcement just the other day that I was going to live the rest of my life in song. By this, I meant I was going to sing any word that left my mouth for the rest of my life. Quite a commitment right? Partly, I wanted to see how many people I could successfully weird-out and / or annoy the crap out of -- starting right here at my home.

I had a count down and everything. My life officially began in song at midnight on the 18th of March. I reminded my mother at every opportunity I had that our lives were about to change. She'd laugh, thinking I was joking. Oh, well! Wasn't there a nice surprise for her when she woke me up yesterday morning?

I made the quick discovery after 9:30am that nobody quite appreciates a musical the way that I do. In fact, nobody quiet appreciates my random song voice or my unfaltering falsetto. Well, the dogs showed appreciation and they began singing along with me in their howling voices. We harmonised. It was brilliant. I felt understood.

Sharidan called me at around 8pm last night to see if I was serious. I answered the phone singing to her. I continued our conversation in song until she said, "Oh f*ck.... I can't handle this shit... I'll talk to you online." And then she hung up on me and I died a little inside.

By midnight I realised that nobody appreciated my new lifestyle. So.... I stopped just over twenty four hours later.

It's okay because starting midnight tonight, I will be narrating my own life out loud. That will be my new thing.

Eg. "As I walked down the street with my dogs leash in one hand and the other arm swinging by my side, I couldn't help but feel that something wasn't quite right with this situation. My strides were longer than usual, my feet stepped quicker than every other walk that I took and I realised I was anxious about something..."

... That type of thing.

xx
Jess

Flying....

My journal here feels a bit dead, but I suppose that's cause I don't have anything that interesting to report.

I had a fab weekend. I went to Sharidan's and we played PlayStation 2, ATP tennis albeit badly while having a Mariah Carey / Celine Dion scream-a-long at early hours of the morning while cursing each other out for our bad tennis abilities. It was hilarious -- guess you had to be there.

She showered me with gifts from her trip to Thailand, it was so lovely. She got me a stack of games for my playstation including the dance mat hahaha. I can't wait to get a dance game to go with it. It'll be my daily work out since I'm losing weight and I'm very happy about it. We also did some shopping and it was so much fun. We walked for ages and I'm not a good walker, I don't have a lot of endurance, but I'm proud of myself, we probably walked a couple of kms which I never freely do and I bought new shoes. They are beautiful, really. A pair of green heels .. three and a half inches worth! Yay, I'll exceed five feet.

I'm studying the book of James and I love it. There's so much in there to work with. I've been arguing with people for so long about deeds and faith and how deeds don't matter to God, and basically according to James, Faith without deeds is absolutely useless. I find that I digest things so much better when I write notes as I read. So, my little bible is filled with scrawled notes on the pages--- oops. That's okay, it's only tiny and I bring it everywhere with me.

So I have new beautiful make up thanks to Sharidan and a set of beautiful brushes and spent an hour beautifying myself just to go to the store hahaha. We're so consumer driven sometimes that it's not funny. Then on the flipside, we walked down a mainstreet at 8pm in our respective pajama pants without fear and got gawked at by trendy people who were eating in the Thai restaurant that we went to order from, but as I explained it to Sharidan, "We have make up on and our hair is nice and so our pajama pants just make us look cute. If we trundled in there with bed hair and no make up looking ugly, it'd be completely different." ... And that seemed to console us.

Also, a certain Mr. emailed me a lovely email last night asking me out today. Unfortunately I was already home when I received it so I had to decline, but we're definitely going to meet up next weekend or the weekend after. I'm a little bit excited but also a lot scared. It's not like I'm looking for a boyfriend or have any expectations other than to make a new friend, but if said Mr. likes me as it seems he does, I wouldn't be so quick to turn him away as I have been in other times with boys that have shown interest. And I really want to go to a city cathedral for a mass service over the next few weeks and I want to take some photos of churches. I've fallen in love with Cathedrals. I'm not entirely sure, is it wrong to take photos inside churches or outside? I'm not sure ...

It should be interesting how things go anyway. I think things are really truly changing for me at the moment. I have a plan. I know what I want to be doing... I know God loves me and I'm taking great solace in that whenever I am feeling a bit insecure. If I go see Mr. and he finds something wrong with me for any reason, then that's his problem not mine. God made me as He wanted me to be and I'm completely okay with that.

This new state of mind I have is amazing. I'm so happy with life right now and there's just one or two little things that I need to throw myself in to and I'll be fine. :) I'm going to go and take a shower now and wash my hair and cleanse my skin.

God Bless, people. :)

Rite Of Election 2006

Yep. I went to the Rite Of Election thing yesterday at this beautiful Cathedral. It was an exciting but long day. Long because we had to travel over an hour to get there, and it was really hot. The actual service was really beautiful. I met the Bishop and that was cool too! And on saturday night I went to the Rite Of Sending at my own parish. It was a bit nerve-racking cause I had to stand on the alter before the whole congregation and I hate any kind of attention. I was holding on to a piece of paper, and saw how badly it was shaking and had to get a hold of it with two, so it wasn't so obvious. lol.

I had a lot of people coming up and congratulating me and they were mere strangers. It means a lot to me that people that I don't even know care so much about me being accepted in to the Catholic church. It makes me feel really happy.

The person who offered to be my sponser is a really nice guy too. Strangely enough he reminds me of one of my primary school teachers haha. The organiser of my RCIA meetings is a really nice old lady. We spent almost two hours on the phone chatting the other night, which was great because before hand I had this really strong feeling that she didn't like me -- but I heard through another member of my RCIA meetings that she mentioned that she really likes me and feels very comfortable with me and that we have a lot in common.

Aww bless. I love old people :D

Anyway, nothing really too imporant to report, nothing that interesting to talk about. Need to quit being lazy this week and do some important stuff. The past few days I've been feeling a bit out of sorts, health wise. I've been really quite dizzy and lethargic and really unnaturally exhausted. Yucky. Speaking of yucky, for those of you that might know who I'm speaking about -- I'm dealing with the return of Percival. Ol'e Percy is flarring with full force and he's really upsetting me and won't leave me alone. I don't want to have to murder him again!!

Shower and bed now. Ciao.

Personal morals & every day things...

There's some things that I'm doing to try to improve my life at the moment and they're making me feel really good. Some of them are really challenging, and takes a lot of hard work, but at the end of the day I know I'm a better person for them. And so these are some of the things I'm doing, but was wondering if anyone else has some kind of basic personal laws that they try to live by every day. For me, every day I wake up every morning and ask God to give me the strength to fullfil the day as He would will it and to give me the strength throughout whatever situations that may occur to remain righteous.

My list is...

1. When someone is annoying or seemingly unintelligent, stupid without good cause to not make fun, not belittle but rather be patient and kind.
This one is so hard because I find it so hard to deal with stupid people (I know that's mean, but I have such little patience for people who aren't bright), especially when they just don't get things. But sometimes it's not their fault and it doesn't help when people belittle you for it. And its also hard because I used to throw insults for fun.

2. Before laughing cruelly at someone else for their misfortune, take stock of own misfortune.
Another hard one, especially when it involves someone that I've felt / feel disdain for. However, I just think about how crap things have been for me and how gutted I would feel if I found out people were laughing at me and just waiting to see something bad happen to me, because ultimately I think I'm a good person in most respects. (But doesn't everyone think that about themselves???)

3. When someone doesn't share the same opinion or doesn't understand the logic and sensibility in something, be patient and kind.
Ew this is the one I hate because I can't stand it when people don't see things my way, because essentially my opinion is the only one that counts and the only one I care about hearing. But, it's really good to sometimes just sit back, swallow pride and try to hear something from another perspective and maybe gain an insight as to where other people's minds are at. And again, think of how I would like someone heckling or belittling me because I don't share the same sentiments on a subject.

4. Don't curse anyone else out, or swear for the sake of swearing.
Probably easily the most difficult daily rule for me because I previously swore like a sailor. Each time I go to swear (consciously) think to myself, "Is this word really necessary? Is there another word you can replace it with?" ... It doesn't always have the same effect, unfortunately, but at the end of the day I think about when I go out and I see a bunch of sweet looking girls around my age swearing and letting them fly, I realise how cheap and tacky it sounds - and I'm not cheap nor am I tacky.

5. Think before speaking.
This is a pretty good one because there's been so many times where I've opened my mouth and sprouted off things without thinking of the impact it could have on another person, or how it would make me sound. If I think before reacting but rather acting on impulse, I know I've conducted myself with perfect decorum and dignity.

6. Give forgiveness.
There's been a lot of people over the past year that have really ruined things for me and drove me in to depression for awhile. I held so much animosity toward these people for so long, but a couple of months ago I was just able to "let go" and feel indifference to it all instead of anger and hurt and I realised that harbouring animosity takes so much energy and its more cutting to not give that person thought at all. However, just months later some of those people came to me and apologized for everything that they caused me, admitting to some things I wasn't sure they ever did -- and it felt so much better to say, "You're forgiven. Don't worry about it, let's move on." This is not to say that I'm inviting them back in my life, or letting anyone walk all over me, but these people are not even worthy of ANY of my energy whether it be negative OR positive.

7. Always listen.
When someone needs advice, needs to vent, needs to cry. Be selfless enough to put your own crap aside for 10 minutes to hear someone out. Every person has his own set of problems and to each person his or her set of problems are as important as your own and are as worthy of your attention as your own. In order to be helped, you have to be willing to help others.

8. Do one good deed per day.
Be it a prayer for a stranger, a donation to charity, a favour, offer help, cheer someone up, make lunch for someone, buy someone something. Anything that will serve someone else for the greater good and bring them happiness.

I end my day with The Divine Mercy Chaplet, a short prayer of thanks and a passage from The Bible.

Of course there's always some slip ups and you can't just always be passive, but anger for a reasonable cause is better than being angry for no cause at all.


Eternal Father, I offer you the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of Your Dearly Beloved Son, Our Lord, Jesus Christ, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world.

For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.



God Bless, Jess :)

My pillow never dries.

I'm a huge fan of all kinds of music. All kinds. It annoys me when fangirls are absolutely biased to one particular artist. Granted we all have our favourites, but don't get mad when someone doesn't agree that your particular favourite artist posseses every last drop of talent exceeding that of any other artist. Don't get mad when someone suggests that a certain song by particular artist isn't that great. Everyone has different tastes, different ideas, different ways of taking in music.

Unless of course we're talking about Michael Jackson, then you are an idiot if you don't see that every single MJ song is the greatest, and if you don't like him clearly you're a twit. And if you don't see that the entire world is out to get him then you are plain ignorant. A plainly ignorant, idiotic twit.


.... Oh yeah, in case you couldn't tell. I'm being sarcastic. Fan girls make me mad.

Psalm 67
May God be merciful and bless us.
May his face shine with favour upon us.

God bless, dumplings.

Baby you're my kryptonite

Hello.

I went to the RCIA meeting tonight and a beautiful Ash Wednesday Mass. I talked with the priest. You are looking at someone who will be a confirmed Catholic by Easter. I came home and called my friend, as I was so happy and wanted someone else to do backflips with me. I have very limited people to invite to my confirmation, I won't even bother including my parents. Most of my friends are non believers. That leaves two people. That's fine.

On saturday I go to the Mass to sign in my name. And on Sunday for something else but I don't remember what that was about. My mind was spinning by then. And I hope to God that the day I'll be confirmed will NOT be the day of my brother's wedding, or three days before or after or else... I'll be really sad lol. My two friends are delighted to come along and before I even had the chance to ask one, he jumped in and told me that he wanted to be there. It made me so happy.

And dude, I don't do sappy heart-to-hearts with anyone, but I did with my friend today. And I'm so happy about that. I'm so proud of myself for saying what I needed to say without suffering verbal diahorrea. Now........to work on that confession. Eeep. I talked more to people in my meeting and I like two people in particular! :D

I also spoke to a disability liason officer today in regards to study. Good stuff. Praise God. :)

x
Jess

Doesnt matter what you did....

I was doing some reading (praise God for my internet cable now avaliable in the privacy of my own room.) and I came across this;

"We think ourselves so modern and enlightened when we read of lepers walking through crowds, crying out “Unclean, unclean!” so that others could avoid touching them and thus protect themselves from ritual impurity. We tell ourselves we would do no such thing, but we do the same thing! When a person in our society becomes sad, or depressed, or out of sorts—our modern form of social leprosy—they cry out, “I want to be alone, I want to be alone.” In truth, they want company, but they tell people to go away to avoid rejection and to make it easier to restore relationships when they are feeling chipper again. We laugh when we remember the days when people dressed to the nines for church and stayed home when their attire wasn’t fancy enough, but we stupidly do the same thing with our emotions. We stay away when our emotions aren’t presentable." ... ( Read More )

It really spoke to me and put a few things in to perspective. It's quite a nice little write up. :) Today my friend emailed me and this is a person who's so special in my life. He's someone I initially had a crush on, but realized there's nothing at all romantic about him and he's turned in to a fantastic close friend. He told me about how things were prospering well in his life and asked how I was. I told him that I was so/so, trying to keep above the water... But that I was okay. He emailed back concerned, and I just felt so much strength from it. I'm a little gobsmacked by the response but didn't expect anything less. It made me feel a lot more resilient than I give myself credit for.

Jess, my baby, I'm not going to sit here and say to you "everything is going to be okay", at the end of the day - they are just a few words, and the outcome of life is what we make it..... Jess, im not saying this to you just coz your here, or just coz you need to hear a nice word, but the honest truth, from my heart and soul - I'll tell you what you mean to me, you are one of my truest friends who I know will be there for me in the good times and during the bad, you are without a doubt one of the most amazing people I have ever met - you know why I respected you so much when i met you Jess? Its coz you just believed in yourself, you didn't sit there saying to people "Look at me, Im disabled... pity me"... its easy to pity someone, and its easier to be pitied, but you never wanted that - you always said "I am what I am, and I'm gonna work with it" and you always held your head up high, you inspired me in a way to just accept who I was...

Your like one of those people whos on Ripleys Believe it or Not who everyone feels sorry for, but at the same time looks at with such admiration, just because of how strong you are. I believe your stronger than you yourself know Jess, you've made it this far and your still standing despite all the obstacles, any lesser person would have fallen down a long long time ago..... Thats why I love you Jess, your an amazing inspirational person, and I honestly mean that!!

God worked another miracle in my life today. He made me see with clarity that I'm worth something to the people in my life despite how oblivious I may be to that. Praise Him. And Praise God for giving me such a sweet, beautiful friend. This boy is so lovely. If only there were more boys like him.

I'm going to Mass in 2hrs. And so Lent begins...

God Bless You All!

Shootin' stars breaks the mould.

I find that people are generally unhelpful and rude and don't give a toss about what a difference you could be making in their lives or even just to their day. Hopefully we aren't all guilty of this. Let's just take a moment the next time someone asks us something that we may have to get off our butt or lift a finger for a few minutes and consider how much of a help it would be to them.

I shouldn't eat when I'm a really bad mood. If I sprout another butt cheek I won't be surprised. Weirded out, but not surprised.

I'm going to read a bit of the book of James under a friend's direction. That's all I had to say. Ciao.

When something is wrong...

Ok, so I think today I'm over the Jackie Wilson thing.... until tomorrow.

Things are looking a bit better. Sharidan is really helping me out motivation-wise and I've been praying a lot about my situations. I've been thinking a lot about what's important to me in my life and have reevaluated a lot of things... and I'm interested in applying to this course; Bachelor Of Arts - Teaching at The Australian Catholic University or this; Bachlor Of Arts at Monash Uni.

I'm really confused about the application process though, but I have some friends who will be willing to help me :) I just kick myself that I didnt sort this out 5 yrs ago, like I should have.

Can everyone pray for me that I hear something back about this job I applied to? Be it good or bad? Thanks.

Today I watched Walk To Remember with Mandy Moore (who I think is just ridiculously stunning). And I cried. and cried. and cried. Did I mention I watched it yesterday as well? It's the most beautiful love story (have to admit that I loved the book-- the movie was a bit cheesy) ... I couldn't imagine having someone love me as much as Landon loved Jamie. :( Such a beautiful story.

I spent $8 on a book by Jodi Picoult today. It's her newest one called-- Oh blast it, I don't remember, but her newest one anyway. "My Sister's Keeper" was my favourite book last yr until I read "Me & Emma" ... Anyway, I don't plan to spend any more than $8 this week.

Lent starts on wednesday. I'm going to Mass on wednesday night and then to the RCIA meeting. :) I liked my meeting last week. Oh! Sharidan and I are enrolling in a short course to learn make-up application (we probably won't learn anything new, haha we'd be able to teach them a thing or two... I bet they don't know that if you dampen your applicator and apply MAC pigments they appear to be shiny and stay on longer and don't crease in your eye folds! Ha! I'm all kinds of smart.) And at the end of next month I'm going to do a creative writing / childrens stories workshop.

Lots of stuff to do tomorrow, and it's 1:am. This is exceptionally early for me to go to bed, but I need to do that, cause part of my problem is staying up all night, and sleeping all day and feeling like a slug.

Good news, I've been cyphening my mums ADSL connection lately which means I have to use the internet out in the family room cause the cord isnt very long. But we got a 35m one today, which means I can go back to my room and have the privacy like I had before to look at whatever I want (it sounds like I look up porn or something, right? But no, I can't look up Catholic-y stuff, or sit for hours reading cause it's met with scorn or the loud blarring TV. My biggest hate in life is the sound of the TV. I hate TV!!!!!! It makes me angry!) and play whatever music I want without hearing how crap my speakers sound, or how crap my music is. (Coming from my step father who calls Metallica music.)

I wish there was a way I could lock posts so only certain people could read it, huh? Anyway, going back to my room now to tidy up real nice and go to sleep.

Please keep me in your prayers.

xx
God Bless.

Broad tastes

I hate that "yo mo fo" (your 'Eminem' and your '50cent' crap) kinda music, and I feel offended when I turn on the TV and they are rapping about pimpin' bitches and how the world is gonna be damn sorry when they commit suicide -- or alternatively, get shot. At one time I was under this massive misapprehension that 2pac and I were homies, but that lasted about fifteen minutes, thankfully -- but dammit, at least some of his raps had a bit of depth to them.

And, may I ask? Does anyone sing about anything these days besides having sex? Here I am contented at my desk, blarring good ol'e Jackie Wilson who songs are about as risque as a tree stump. He sings about being in love, and dancing, and songs with just down right made-up words in it. And it's fun, and his voice is absolutely raw and beautiful and isn't hindered or drowned-out by synthesisers and other crap. It might be good to agree that Mr. Wilson is my musical obsession for the week. Last week it was Stevie Wonder. Who will be next week?

I couldn't get to church today, which I'm a little bit disappointed about. My Mum went away thus, taking the car. I discovered the other day that I could still take my car on short drives, but then realized that my drivers licence has expired and costs over $100 to renew. Ass. I wasn't especially worried about it, since church is not that far, but knowing my luck, I'd get busted. And isn't it ironic that I'd be breaking the law to get to church? haha. Also, if I had any kind of car accident with an expired licence, I'd end up in a court room. No thanks. It's okay, there's Mass on Ash wednesday that I'm going to with my RCIA group. :)

Okay so it's 11am, and I'm sitting here and it's freezing and I should be doing some housework. Whenever my Mum goes away, I suddenly let my generally obsessive-compulsive cleaning habits slip by. I turn in to a slob. Maybe cause it's not often I get to relax this much. I've had music blarring since my Mum left. It's also not often I get to play music this loud. However, now that my neighbours have been made aware that I like 50s music French Music, Michael Jackson and a lot of loud and obscure soft-rock, I'm sure they want me to die by the gun. Oh well, payback for slamming doors and talking extremely loud outside of my window every night after midnight. Gotta love neighbours.

I made fantastic tuna bake for dinner last night using tuna, pasta shells, mushrooms, tomatos, garlic grinds, paprika, onion, pasta sauce, cheese, sweet chilli, mixed herbs and a little bit of pepper. I don't do recipies, I do it from scratch and do it my own way and always hope for the best. So far, I've impressed myself time and time again. And there's a lot of left overs (since I cook for a tribe) so guess what my breakfast is? I'm so homely and gross lol.

You better stop. Doggin' me around...

God Bless, guys.

Im just a teenage nutbag, baby.

Two posts in one day, who'd have predicted it? -- Hmm, it's after midnight now, perhaps not.

It's been ridiculously hot today, and I was unable to sleep because of it. The cat is being a jerk and is stirring up the dogs, and the dogs are all trying to sleep. Mr. Thomas Anderson (the cat) is just a jerk in general. I have cat claw marks all over my legs, its really the latest fashion. Maybe I'll start a photo blog dedicated to all the open wounds my cat has left all over me.

So, on this forum I visit we were having a discussion about our teenage obsessions after I rehashed a New Kids On The Block cd (and enjoyed playing it too, I might add) and a forum member posted photos of her bedroom which was basically wallpapered in NKOTB & Jordan Knight. And so I felt compelled to share my obsession. I bet you think that my walls were Michael Jackson wallpaper, right? Wrong! I took Michael Jackson down long enough to wallpaper 3T all over my walls.


If you are from Europe or the UK or AU, you'd probably remember 3T for their illustrious career and successful career of one entire album that was released in 1995. If you are from France, Holland, Belgium and Germany, you'll know that 3T released a second CD in 2003 (but only in those said countries) or if you are part of the Michael Jackson fan community, you might know, since they are related to Michael Jackson (His nephews, Tito Jackson's sons). I got really in to them! Even though they had 0 #1 hits here, they never toured here, they hardly got airplay, they didn't promote here, they didn't even really show up in magazines very often -- but I turned in to one of those massive staunch fans. As a result of 3T, I made a lot of international friends and penpals, I met a lot of psychos, I made two best friends (both of whom are still my real-life friends 8 yrs on), I became known to 3T (I really don't these kinds of things half-heartedly, now do I?) and I learned that just cause you're a Jackson doesn't mean you're all that great. Unless yer name is Michael, these days, I'm strictly not interested in you. (Yeah, that means even you Jermaine... hahaha)

Anyway, this is how my room looked for a short spell;

I gave up on them around 2000. I was tired of waiting for that second cd. And when it came, I felt a bit like, hang on a second? I waited 8 years for ... this? And I couldn't even buy it in Australia, someone sent it to me from Holland! Ass! I hear they're still arsing about, trying to get their own show on MTV about how hard it is to be a Jackson in America. It's just like... is your name Michael? No. Sure I'm sure you've had some ups and downs, but the only Jackson who really ever had any problems was Michael. (Oh and Jermaine, but Jermaine's problems are mostly self-afflicted. Robbing your brother's fiance who you now have as your wife, becoming a step-father and an uncle at the same time must be ... rough.)

That's all just a bit of fun. I need to get some sleep. The weekends are so boring!

I was tagged. Guh!

For something a little less intense, Cubicle Reverend tagged me.

Seven things to do before I die:
Become a confirmed Catholic
Fall in love & get married.
Have children.
Hang out like old homies from across the way with Michael Jackson. Oh yeah. That's right.
Find some deep down ability to sing.
To travel the world.
To become successful and content with whatever I do..

Seven Things I cannot do:
Breathe normally.
Algebra.
Tell people how I feel face to face.
Tell special people how much I love them face to face.
Shove my foot through the computer to kick the asses of people who annoy me online.
Be a contestant on big brother.
Always bite my tongue or turn my cheek when someone upsets me.

Seven things that attract me to my mate:
This one is n.a

Seven things I say:
Look what you did you little JERK!
That smells/looks/tastes like absolute ASS.
Darn tootin'
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF....iretruck.
CHUT up. (Donny Darko)
Oh, no doubt! (PJ with Penny, said in really geeky voice)
Gimme a quarter (This is a newbie. It's said as I break in to spontaneous dance before my Mum to show her who's bad, who's bad, who's really, really bad. You clearly have to be there.)

Seven Movies I've loved:
Memoirs Of A Geisha
Ghosts (The MJ one, 'FREAK CIRCUS FREAK, GO BACK TO THE CIRCUS, FREAKY BOY!!!!', not the stupid Demi Moore crap.)
The Shawshank Redemption
Life Is Beautiful
Singing In The Rain
Dumb & Dumber
Elephant Man

Seven People to Tag:
Everyone I know well enough to tag, have already been tagged! :( I'm a lonely po' little blogger.

lol.

I just want you to all know that...

Blood is on the dance floor, blood is on the knife. Susie got your number, ya know Susie says its right. Ooh Blood on the dance floor. Ooh blood on the dance floor. I just can't take it. (Read that out loud in your best monotone or fragments and I assure you that it will be funny or if you record yourself doing it and send it to me, I would find it funny.)

Its you or no one else...

This is going to be really honest.

Today I looked in the mirror and at first I was staring for vanity reasons. I was checking to see if my skin was any clearer than it was a week previous as I'd been suffering a massive break out (I blame Sydney.) I surveyed my entire body, and thought that I'd done well, lost a little bit of weight in some of the places where I'd needed to the most. Slowly my eyes met with my own, and I suddenly wanted to cry. It was such a flip of emotions and I didn't really understand why I felt like that. I had woken up only minutes earlier.

I went back to my bedroom thinking that perhaps I needed to sleep longer. Only, it was nearer to midday and I felt disgusted with myself enough for being so lazy. I thought as I wiped my eyes about what I was going to do today and I drew a blank. The thought of sitting in this house for another 24 hours just made me want to sob. I can't even take up a hobby or go out or anything because at the moment I have so many bills and money issues that spending even a couple of dollars is a big deal.

I'm an absolute coward when it comes to jobs because I feel like it's too much trouble. I joined this agency and I know thats a babystep and thats a good thing, but when I think of the idea of going to a job interview I feel physically sick. The past few jobs I have had, I've been employed by people that I know really well. I don't feel like I have enough confidence or self-assurance to do anything at all. My self-esteem has been shot to absolute pieces over the past year or so and the best thing I'm good at is sitting and continuing to make excuses for myself because I'm "different". But maybe more than anything, I'm the one who alienates myself from everyone. I'm the one who is constantly reminding myself that I'm "not the same" when maybe no one elses realises it at first, but then it gets to the point where I kind of don't let them forget.

Everything in my life seems to be a farce. I've been presented time and time again with fantastic opportunities, with amazing friends who offer to help me do amazing things and I don't take them up on it because I'm afraid I won't be able to let myself come through, that I'll disappoint. I fob it off.

For the past few years I've felt like I have nothing to offer anyone, that I am not even worthy enough to meet new people, to speak in a crowded room because I'm such a degenerate that I don't deserve to even be there. I can't introduce myself, I can't hold a conversation in person for more than three coherent sentences unless I'm a little bit drunk or overly obnoxious. Without a job, without study, without a social life, without any aim, I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone.

Yeah, so I have a disability. I have respiritory malfunctions and slightly visible spinal issues. I've done the stupid thing of letting this define me. I've been through a lot, granted, and the worst thing is, is that the hardest thing wasn't the surgeries, the life of doctor to doctor, hospital to hospital -- it was the social side. It was being outcasted at school, it was going through the first 9 yrs of schooling being ridiculed and abused physically and verbally because of it. (and to this day, I am far too ashamed to admit to anyone the things that were said to me for fear of it actually ringing true to them.) It was believing the things that they said. It was feeling the honesty of their words, for whatever reason they said them. I left school pretty early and as a result I developed agoraphobia and hid from the world for years. Literally.

I spent so much time feeling sorry for myself, becoming paranoid and thinking that the entire world is out to get me. Even now, when I'm okay in that respect... I still flinch when people are staring at me now. I hate that feeling.

So now I'm 22. I've made a life time of silly mistakes, crying over what's so far in the past. It's only recently and I mean, very recently that I realised in hindsight that no one else is to blame by the way I've single-handedly destroyed the past say 7 yrs of my life by letting regret, fear and self-loathe consume me. Early last year this all paramounted to a point where I just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know what to do with myself and I don't think I stopped crying for weeks. I lost a lot of weight, got really sick, emotionally detached myself from everyone and pushed away anything that God was trying to whisper to me.

I'd come here to my Mums because she is my safety net. She doesn't expect anything from me. She's perhaps too easy on me. She babies me because in her eyes, I'm still a little kid and maybe I always will be. I basically didn't leave my bedroom while I was here and no questions were ever asked. I slept all day stayed up all night until I was incoherently sobbing over ... what? It got to the point where I didn't know anymore. I hate that I let myself get to that point.

I thought I was at rock bottom, but things got better. They always do, right? But again, temporarily. Someone startled me by knocking the wind out of me with amazing honesty and sincerity. "Don't you know how beautiful you are, Jess? Oh my goodness, you are so beautiful. Look around at everything in that is a creation of God... The stars, the moon, the birds, the trees, the sea... God doesn't create anything that isn't beautiful. You are God's creation Jess, you are His Princess."

Well.

The revelation felt like it fell upon me like a tonne of bricks. I was just absolutely stunned that I'd never looked at life in that way before. I know my friends adore me, they love me, for the most part unconditionally, but sometimes it's so hard to show how much you care for someone, especially when that someone (me) shows no signs of being on rock bottom. I've always been one of those people who won't show when she's upset. I don't want to bother people, I don't want to really get help because getting help would have meant changing and I was / am scared of stepping out of the shell. So hearing those words was just something that I needed to hear in order to regain some sense of self worth.

Sometimes I wonder though, why God would love me, why He choose me. Why am I so beautiful to Him? Why does He want someone like me to be His princess, what am I worth to Him? It's unfathomable that my Lord should have such unconditional love For me.

But you know, God helps. Praying helps even if sometimes I don't understand why Jesus continues to show me his mercy even when I continue to sin. I'm lazy. I live in regret. I question my Faith. I let other people's doings consume me. I don't always trust Him to be right, I am stubborn and always want to do things my way before giving in and trusting in Him. He's so patient and kind to me and I still don't know why or can't accept it.

I thought I was rock bottom before, but now I am at rock bottom. In fact, I am below rock bottom. I'm all the crap that's beneath the rock's bottom. But I want to change because I don't know for how long I can continue to be stagnant, to feel worthless, to be void of any self-worth and confidence. I want a higher self-esteem. I want to have a wonderful job. I want to be studying to find a career. I'm tired of feeling like I have nothing to offer anyone. I want to fall in love. I want to get married. I want a normal life. I want to accept that no one thinks that I'm not normal, I'm the one who has lead myself to believe such nonsense.

I have a friend who's really hard on me when it comes to this stuff and I get frustrated sometimes because I want her to pity me, the way I've just come to pity myself, but she won't do it. She tells me the truth and she tells me what I need to be doing and time and time again I've let her down by not taking advice. Sometimes the devil is in my ear so loud and so clear, telling me what I am not and I take it, and I believe it.

I just want to be filled with joy. I want to truly feel joy for the first time since I was a child. But it wont just fall in to my lap. I have to help myself. I have to pray. I have to take my friend's advice and I have to just get it done rather than talking about it and crying about what I haven't. I thought going to Sydney would alleviate some of the weight on my heart, but after going and realizing what all of my friends have (i.e stable jobs with good income, their own places to live, respective partners), I came home to nothing and realised what I don't have and it made me feel worse. Not jealous, not even envious, but just aware of what I am robbing myself of.

At the RCIA meeting M. gave me an advertisement of a job at the Catholic primary school (the primary school that is the connection to my church) as a teachers aide and since the school is literally a 1km walk down the road, I decided I wanted it. It said it would be looked upon generously for those who have a certificate in first aid, which I don't have but I am willing to get it if they consider me for the job. I also want to do the application letter a bit different and outline whole-heartedly why I want the position. I love children, I love God, and [but maybe I'll have to brush up on my maths.] I think it'd be a good starting opportunity for me to begin interacting with people again. (Of course that wouldn't be a selling point, so I'd not add that.)

Basically, I want to be studying at Uni. I want to have a job and I want to get my debts out of the way, because it's all I can think about at the moment and it's driving me insane. I need to write out a plan and take babysteps and stick to them. It's crucial now, because although people tell me I'm still young, I'm 22 who's had a string of crap jobs with no direction and time goes by fast. I don't want to be say, even 25 with no direction. I want this year to be the year.

I don't want to cry anymore, it makes my nose run and it gives me the worst headaches. Pray for me okay? I really need the strength right now more than ever. And pray that I fulfil everything that God wills me to do, and if getting this job is His will, please give me the strength to not push it away with cowardice and confusion in my heart.

Now I'm stuck in a moment, it's bad for my health.
But I'm gone, if I don't emancipate myself.
I gotta say that all of this is coming down on me
like a tonne of bricks at this present time.
I don't have much cash,
I'm just trying to figure out the rest of my life
But I think a lot of people would agree that
all you need is a feeling of freedom
And when you're in emotional limbo and
everything you think about is filtered through that.
-- Emancipate Myself, Thirsty Merc.

I love my friends. -- http://www.justonelung.com/gallery/

Forgiveness & other stuff

I took this exerpt out of the weekly church hand out because it really spoke to me.

"Forgiveness is the answer to our dream of a miracle. Through forgiveness what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is made clean, what is lost is found. Nothing greater can happen to a human being than that he or she is forgiven. A person is no longer trapped in his past. He is set free free to love again, free to move forward again.

Forgiveness is unconditional or it is not forgiveness at all.

Can one forgive oneself? No, it doesn't work. We have to be forgiven. We can only believe that this is possible if we ourselves are able to forgive.

These words of Christ;
"Your sins are forgiven, go in peace." are among the most wonderful in the gospel.

I find there to be so many profound things in the gospel according to John. And I remember when I was in Sydney a few weeks ago, sitting on a blanket in the sun reading the book of John for something to do to pass time. It was such a stinking hot day and I remember feeling chills all over when I read the following;

"When the world hates you, remember it hated me before it hated you. The world would love you if you belonged to it, but you don't. I chose you to come out of the world, and so it hates you. Do you remember what I told you? 'A servant is no greater than the master.' Since they persecuted me, naturally they will persecute you. And if they had listened to me, they would listen to you!"
(Jn 15:18-20)

I felt a relationship with Jesus stronger than ever before when I read this, because I felt like it related to me -- even if it might not have been for the right reason. I suppose that I've always felt as though I've never belonged. I've always felt alone until I found my Faith, and it is only when I am in the presence of Jesus at Mass or with my beloved, fellow Christian friends that I truly feel as though I am home.

As time goes on my Mum is more accepting of my faith and this is really pleasing to me, because I've always went through my life wishing and hoping to make my parents proud. My mother has at times met my faith with scorn, but mostly in an awkward way, because I am not sure she knows how else to act, but I think possibly that when I become confirmed she will be counted in attendence. That makes me happy and satisfied.

Today a woman from Church called to confirm my attendance to the RCIA meeting, which I was happy to hear. I unfortunately was still lolling around in bed like the slug that I was modelling to be at the time she called, but my Mum had a talk to her just briefly. The lady is really nice. She was the one that I met after church with Fr. Cleary the other day. I called her back and she and I had a little talk about my background. She said it might take a year for me to get confirmed, to go through RCIA for an entire, and that's absolutely fine with me -- but I might be ready earlier. She said at some point I'd have a heart-to-heart with Fr. and the idea of that seemed very nice.

So tomorrow night (today now.) I pray that I can attend the RCIA meeting without any flickers of fear in my heart, nor will I let any anxiety make me feel as though I can't turn up. I think I'll be fine though, I know this is something that Jesus wants me to do and so he'll protect me from anything that gets thrown my way.

In Jesus I want to ALWAYS trust!

God Bless you guys!!!
Take care xoxoxoxo

Trying to be quick...

Okay so getting the sleep functionality is still a work in progress, but at least I'm a little bit happier. Today I felt so inspired, that I even worked on my CV and then went and registered with a job agency. I need to call them tomorrow to supply them with a job seeker number. I want a really decent job that I can get comfortable in. Even for the next 8 months. I have bills that need paying off.

I've discovered some really great music over the past week, and so I figured I'd share some of the song titles of my recent favourite tunes. Some are complete and utter cheesy teenybopper crap, but hey-- that's me-- a wealth of all age groups rolled in to one!

1. Possitivity - Stevie Wonder
2. Reverie - Brook Fraser
3. You Gotta Help Me - Taxiride
4. Sunburn - Muse
5. Family Portrait - Pink
6. Don't Cry - Seal
7. Headstrong - Trapt
8. Meant To Live - Switchfoot
9. Blue Bayou - Roy Orbison
10. Someday, Someday - Thirsty Merc
11. Lift - Shannon Noll
12. Thunder - Prince
13. Only God Knows Why - Kidd Rock
14. You'll Get Yours - Mel C
15. Fly Like A Bird - Mariah Carey
16. My Only Hope - Mandy Moore
17. Calm Down - Killing Heidi
18. God Save Us All - Lenny Kravitz
19. Let's Stay Together - Al Green
20. His Eye Is On The Sparrow - Lauryn Hill
21. Question - Rhett Miller
22. Touch Of Paradise - John Farnham
23. Mad World - Gary Jules
24. Lamentation - Eric Benet
25. Every Little Thing - Dishwalla
26. Color Blind - Counting Crows
27. Flow - Casey Donovan
28. Never Too Much - Luther Vandross
29. Check On It - Beyonce
30. Confessional Song - Charlotte Church

Check some of them out if you get a chance :) Some songs are ancient favourites of mine, but most are ones that I love so much right now. I love music. I uploaded all of my cds to the PC the other day so I wouldnt have to always change the cd, and could just put all songs on random play. I have over 3000 songs in my wma folder. teehee. My Mum told me my computer would split open and spew out musical notes.

Can we have prayers for my friend and her husband. They have been trying for a baby for 6 years and haven't been successful yet in all their years of marriage. I would really appreciate it and I know she would, also :) Every last prayer helps.

Also, let us pray for these Proactiv commercials on late night Australian TV to cease, because I've already bought the product, what more do they want?! Stupid infomercials. Taking away time from MadTV or The Simpsons, or something equally worthy.

Anyone ever seen Home Alone? You know the part at the very beginning where Kevin's brother Buzz vomited up all the pizza and apparently it's all Kevin's fault? Remember the uncle who has soda spilled all over him? The one that goes, "Look what you did, you little jerk" with such a harsh tone? Hahaha. That's my new saying. (Of course jokingly) I've been saying it to everyone, in that same harsh tone. Today my Mum and I were out and she accidentally knocked something down from a shelf and I said, loudly, "Look what you did you little JERK!" she clearly wasn't expecting it, and was so shocked that she cracked up laughing. I'm sure people surrounding us thought I was an exceptionally rude child (not looking a day over 15, and all.)

Oh dear, Joyce Meyer is on now I know I really need some sleep.

And here I was, so sure that I had something of substance to say. Hey please pray for a job for me! A decent one. :) Thanks party people. God bless you all.

xoxoxox
Jessy

Send us where we need to be

God and I talked for awhile last night, it's been awhile, since I've sat down with Him and really talked. I asked Him to bring me to the right place, to free me of the burdens I'm feeling. I lay in the dark and felt so good to get a lot of things off of my chest, to entrust some issues in to His Holy hands. I had myself reduced to tears, but definitely not too tired to talk, for once.

I finally made it to the new church I've been talking about going to for awhile. I don't know why I was so reluctant. I suppose it was the anxiety issues that I have superceding my desire to hear God's Word. And we all know who's voice I was hearing, and it wasn't The Lord's. Social anxiety is something I've struggled with for so long, but last night a whisper from the Almighty Father gave me strength.

I just need to say, that the church that I was going to before was a good one. The message was always really good and the Fr. was a really nice man, but I felt very intimidated in his presence. I spoke to him only twice, but I put off my confession with him because for whatever reasons, I kind of feared him. Each time I spoke with him I felt unnerved. I can't explain it. It wasn't that he wasn't friendly, nor was he not accomodating, but I don't know... I didn't feel comfortable. And also, I made mention earlier that no one at church had ever really said hello to me, except for the part in Mass where you are supposed to wish another person peace. So, I always felt really nervous going to church every week. The only thing that kept me going back was the way the way the gospel was given. I really liked it.

So I went to a 10:30am Mass. (I didnt have to wake up at 8am to be at church at 11am anymore, I could have awoken at 10 past 10am and still got there on time!!) The second I walked in, I felt an amazing atmosphere. The parish was made up of mostly elderly people, but that didn't deter me. I love the elderly. (Seriously!) And so I the priest came out. And he looked so sweet. He looks quite old. He started talking and I picked up a thick Irish accent, endearing me more. He delivered a fantastic message. It was about forgiveness. Something that really touched on my heart, since I've been having quite a few issues with friends, ex-friends and acquaintences lately. I loved it. The church itself was quite big and it was gorgeous! Stunning, actually. I loved the whole thing, right down to the off-key one-woman choir. So cute!

After the service I began walking out and one of the parish members began speaking to me. She was so cute, elderly and friendly! I noticed that the Fr. was by the door coming to bid people farewell (which I never saw at the other church, it was so hard to get a hold of him, I found.) and for by some special Grace and will of God, I found the courage (although a little shakily I dare admit) to walk up, seemingly confidently, and introduce myself to him. I told him that I was new to the parish and had just recently moved here. He grabbed my hand and shook it and looked at me so kindly. He gave me such a warm welcome and made me feel very comfortable. Now, just by his initial sweetness alone, I went on to tell him that I was quite new to faith and I wanted to perhaps see him at a more appropriate time. I quickly explained that I was not yet confirmed, and would love to learn more about it, and how to go about it.

He seemed quite happy to hear this. There was another woman who was standing by who also introduced herself (She handed me the service leaflet as I walked in) and welcomed me also. Fr. (Cleary) told me that they were having special RCIA meetings on wednesday nights and invited me along to attend. I told him that it was lovely to meet him and thanked him for the great service and said that I would love to make Sacred Heart my new home. Then the other woman who was there, took me on a little guided tour to show me exactly where the RCIA meetings were being held and explained a little about it, and talked with me about general stuff. She was lovely!

And seriously? I really felt at home. As I was speaking with Fr. I was thinking that I would feel completely comfortable with him during a confession. He seemed perfectly non-judging and all-round sweet and kind. So folks, I'm attending this RCIA meeting on wednesday. I'm kind of excited about it and it felt so good going back to church again.

Having been moved by the service, I came home and sorted out an issue with one of my bestfriends. Something so petty, and so silly ... and it's sorted and I'm glad because its the worst feeling in the world to be having a disagreement or a silly quarrel with someone so dear.

And the other thing that I'm disgustingly happy about? Well... I picked up this today. :D Isn't it beautiful? It's like the most beautiful box set that ever was!

Each week a new single will be released. Each single has the DVD video of the song, and the audio song. It starts from Off The Wall days, onwards. I am so very pleased about it. I know its a terrible marketing plot by sony music, still exploiting Michael Jackson's name while it's still big in the news, but so what. I fell for it, hahahaha. I can't help having to buy everything with the guys name on it!

I'm glad it's not that expensive. Well at the moment everything is expensive. Good news is, after this week, I should have a bit more money and can start paying some bills and thinking about what to do with my car. :(

I wanted to especially thank Antonia for all the wonderful, wise and profound things she always says. She's a beacon of faith that is always overflowing and I admire her so much! :D

God bless guys, have a fantastic day / night / morning!!!

xxx
Jess

Just quick thinking...

I was reading this post at The Cubicle Reverends blog and something occured to me. It's so easy for virgins to get labeled, especially when theyre in their twenties and onwards.

I was always proud of my decision to wait until I was completely ready to have sex. I also had no problem sharing that decision with anyone who asked. The older I got, the more it was met with scorn. People would pat me on the head and smile sweetly at me and ask me to cover my eyes because the talk of sex was about to brought up. Some of my friends would blatently tell me, "You need to get laid." It used to both offend me and hurt me. I was patronised a lot and looked upon differently, because goodness knows how sex makes the world go around, and there's nothing else to life besides it!

I not so much, looked-down upon, but I couldn't help being disgusted by the way some people seemed to want to "school" me on sex, and would talk about things in front of me, purposely just to get a rise out of me. I've never been the kind of person who looks at another person with a lustful eye. Of course jokingly I've made comments here and there about people I've been interested in, but mostly just comments like, "Look at that guy, he's my boyfriend. He doesn't know it yet, but we're getting married!" (its a bit of a joke between my friends and I, now, so many boyfriends, so many weddings to attend to!) I don't ever (and have never) looked at another male (or female for that matter) and said something crass with all seriousness. I hate that behavior and I think it's a sad reflection of somebodies state of mind.

I hate how sex-minded people are. I hate it when friends need to share their sex life with me, how great a particular experience was or how it wasn't so great. I find it to be really inappropriate. I really feel that relationships between men and women who are in love should be intimate, private and between the two of them, most especially what goes on in the bedroom.

Anyway, I'm a 22 yr old virgin. I know friends of mine who are ten yrs my senior who are also virgins and I have so much respect for them and their strength, desire and will to wait until marriage or whenever the time is right for them.

I personally plan to wait til marriage and I hope that the man that I choose to marry will also share the same with me. I thank God that he gave me the power to stand up against the sake of keeping up with my peers or my innocence from being disposed at an early age as it easily could have been.

And tonight will be the earliest night for me, yet. It's 1:30am, and I have all intentions of going to Mass tomorrow for the first time in awhile. (That's cause I suck.)

xxx

Unconditional love

The notion of unconditional love has never really "hit" me.

I've had boyfriends in the past that I've loved but never had an unconditional love for. I've got friends, but I can safely say that there's only ever been one of them that's tested me for my unconditional love, and I have loved her all through my years unwittingly, unconditionally, through the good times and the bad times and even the times where I've wanted to smash my head against the wall in frustration while watching her ruining her life. Perhaps that's why I loved her so unconditionally, because she was the most needy of it.

But I've never consciously loved someone or something so hard that it hurts. I don't have any blood neices or nephews nor do I have any children of my own. I am not that close with my family (although I know I love them unconditionally, but it's something that's rather a given, not something I've done consciously.) and rarely do I express my love to any of them. I don't have close cousins or uncles or aunts or grandparents. We're a family that don't "do" feelings. We just leave it all unsaid, so it's sometimes a little hard to feel another person's unconditional love.

In December, I got my own dog. I searched for the perfect dog for months. I was looking for a particular breed, but I didn't want to buy a puppy because I knew that there were thousands of dogs at the dog shelters and at the RSPCA that needed good homes. I wanted to provide that for my prospective dog.

In May last year I lost the first dog my family got when I was 7. His name was Bull and he was the third child to my parents. He was given a few months to live in early 2000. He saved my life once after a King Brown snake was lurking by my feet as I was about to get in to the swimming pool. I moved suddenly and stirred it, and faster than the speed of light, ol'e Bull swept in and snapped up that snake as it was just inches away from me. He got bitten in the process and almost died. After my parents divorce, he became my Dad's dog. He was happier to be with my Dad. Despite his life-saving efforts, Bull didn't like me very much. He was a man's best friend, not a little girls, but I loved him anyway. He died at 15.

When I lived with my Mum we had Pumpkin the rottweiler. I was starting to get really quite attached to her when she was diagnosed with kidney failure. She was already old and feeble and died just one week after Bull.

I wanted to choose the perfect dog, perhaps in replacement of both of these beautifully natured pets. I love dogs so much. I suppose I wanted a pet to help me fill a bit of a void that I've been feeling for awhile. I don't have a lot of company, I don't have a boyfriend nor am I subject to a lot of affection. It's a bit embarrassing to even admit that I craved that from someone so unconditionally that no questions would be asked. I wanted to have a dog that was slightly needy, that was affectionate and loved affection. I had my eye on this beautiful white bull-terrier X. She had been extremely abused and wasn't fond of males. She flinched if you moved too quickly toward her and she needed extra care because she was prone to skin cancer. She had to be an inside dog. Since my pet had to live here with my Mum and Stepfather and I for a bit, I had to get his approval. They said the dog was too big for inside. Even though I wasn't happy about it, I agreed. She was quite a big dog, and there were two other dogs and a kitten in the house to think of.

As I was walking out, displeased and a little bit sad that I couldn't give such a precious thing a new home, I spotted a dog that I thought was particularly ugly. I don't know why she grabbed my attention because she stank a treat and had a smooshed up face, turned up nose. She was missing fur from her back, so it made her look like she was without pants which made me laugh. The lady from the dog shelter asked me if I wanted to handle her. Reluctantly I said okay, even though I just wanted to go home because I was down about the other dog. She grabbed "pixie" and took us to a little play yard and took her off the chain. I let her smell my hand. She was so sweet and so fat and so little. She followed me back and forth. My stepdad and Mum took to her as well. She jumped over me with reticence and a little bit of hesitance, but wanted to give me "kisses" never the less. She smelled like bum, but it didn't matter. I really fell in love with her sweet nature and I decided I wanted to take her. She was a Shih-Tzu X.

I waited anxiously to pick her up the following week after she was desexed (:(:(:(:() and had her dental work and nails trimmed. She sat in my lap on the way home smelling like every other dog at the dog shelter, but she seemed happy and a bit disposed, but nevertheless, at comfort. After a long and stinky 6 days, I was allowed to bathe her (we had to wait cause she had been desexed and couldnt get her incision wet). She fell in love with me, apparently too. She cried when I went even just up the road to get groceries. She sat by me all day long, slept on my bed beside me of a night even gently pawed at my arm when she needed to go to the bathroom of a night.

This dog is almost human, I'm serious. She's got an amazing personality. She wears her hair in a grandma perm. Sometimes her skin condition leaves her without pants. She lets me carry her around in my arms like a baby. She doesnt beg for food when I'm eating, but asks if she can have some with a gentle look and when I say no, she minds her own business. She loves to cuddle up, and loves to roll over for a tummy rub on command. She snuggles up to me when I'm sitting on the couch to watch TV. She sits by my chair when I'm on the computer. She enjoys listening to Michael Jackson music, and even moonwalks. (hahaha) She gets very upset if I raise my voice at her when I catch her trying to eat cats poo from the kitty litter tray (don't ask, we're seeking her a therapist.) and apologises by rolling on to her back asking for a tummy rub.

When I went to Sydney I was so worried that I'd upset her by leaving her for so long. She sulked for a week straight and started peeing inside which she has never done before. She cried at random moments and slept in my Mums room, but didnt snuggle up to her as she does with me. I was scared that when I got back she would forget me, or like me less. I would have been devastated if that was the case. Thankfully not. She lies next to me now as I type this, stopping every once in awhile to pat her head, scratch her behind the ear and so on. I talk to her all the time while I cradle her like a baby and rub her tummy.

And I realise that I am actually, despite all sense of doubt, able to love someone, or something consciously, unconditionally, because I love my Billie more than anything else. She's my bestest friend in all senses. And the best thing about her is that she has never held a single expectation of me. She doesn't get upset when I hog the bed. She doesn't hold a grudge when I raise my voice, she doesn't say things to spite me when she's upset with me. She doesn't go out of her way to hurt my feelings because she's in a bad mood. She doesn't call me names or accuse me of things that aren't even fathomable. She loves me for me, for the love that I give her, for the affection that I shower her with and for the owner that I am.

For so long I felt as though I was unable to consciously give my heart to anyone, anything, but now I see with physical proof that I have this in me. Coming to Christ was a huge step in my life, a huge hurdle to jump, something that I had to accept was within me, a force that quick became so strong that I couldn't ignore it. Every day my hurdle is feeling like something is holding me back from loving Him unconditionally, through everything. Through the good the bad, the frustrations the tears, the fears and the joy and rapture. It was something I felt that I could phyiscally never do because I simply didn't have the passion or the will or even the belief of love within me.

It's funny how it takes a single being in our lives to change our view about everything. I, my friends, am capable of affection and love. I have learned from my beautiful, angel of a puppy that I too, am worthy of love and affection. Not just any love, but love unconditional.

With this knowledge and evidence, I can be more confident about giving My Heart to Christ and letting Him do His will. I know that if I show him the same unconditional love that I show to my beautiful girl on a daily basis, He will cherish me and become pleased with me. The thought of pleasing Him and becoming closer to Him brings me so much hope and happiness.

In August something was plaguing me, an issue with someone of whom I loved so very much. I prayed and prayed over it. I let it become an issue that consumed me whole. I cried so much and asked God to fix it. He didn't fix it straight away. In fact, he didn't really fix it at all for quite some time. It wasn't until I got to the end of my rope. I had exhausted every path that I could to make things right, only nothing went right. I cried out of frustration mostly and finally as if I had a lightbulb moment, I prayed to Jesus about it. I asked Him to wipe away my tears and set my heart free of the confusion and hurt that it was consumed with. I asked Him to take the issue and do with it, His will. I told Him that I trusted Him with it and that in the long run, whatever was His decision I would trust, as the right one.

Jesus resolved my issue that very next day, and Lord how thankful I was. If only I remembered to have the faith to do this every time something is stirring my heart. I would be a much calmer person. The main thing I need to do right now is to trust and share my Heart with Him. And love, consciously, unwittingly, unconditional.

Lets make this an early one

This could possibly be the earliest that I'll be going to bed this week and its 1:30am.

I haven't been dedicating enough time to God as I should be. I haven't been praying. I used to always pray and talk to God before I went to sleep every night and the first thing when I woke up to ask Him to give me the strength to get through the day doing the right things, to stray away from sin, but I'm so tired these days that by the time I go to bed and start saying my prayers I've fallen asleep. How selfish that God only gets the dredges of me. I can only spare him a minute when I'm fighting off sleep and can hardly think to talk.

I'm ashamed of myself right now, but am trying really hard not to pity myself, because there's no reason to.

When I wake up of a morning, I've been springing up, rather than laying there for a bit and praying just to prevent falling asleep again and sleeping all day. I dont really have a place in this house where I can go and pray in peace, unless its in my bedroom, and when I'm in there for longer than 10 minutes I always get disturbed.

I guess I've just had a dodgy run for awhile (although most of my trip to Sydney was good) and I just need to get things together. Being in a rut is hard stuff.

Bahhh I've been staring at this screen for half an hour. Its now 2am. Ill finish this later.