Unconditional love

The notion of unconditional love has never really "hit" me.

I've had boyfriends in the past that I've loved but never had an unconditional love for. I've got friends, but I can safely say that there's only ever been one of them that's tested me for my unconditional love, and I have loved her all through my years unwittingly, unconditionally, through the good times and the bad times and even the times where I've wanted to smash my head against the wall in frustration while watching her ruining her life. Perhaps that's why I loved her so unconditionally, because she was the most needy of it.

But I've never consciously loved someone or something so hard that it hurts. I don't have any blood neices or nephews nor do I have any children of my own. I am not that close with my family (although I know I love them unconditionally, but it's something that's rather a given, not something I've done consciously.) and rarely do I express my love to any of them. I don't have close cousins or uncles or aunts or grandparents. We're a family that don't "do" feelings. We just leave it all unsaid, so it's sometimes a little hard to feel another person's unconditional love.

In December, I got my own dog. I searched for the perfect dog for months. I was looking for a particular breed, but I didn't want to buy a puppy because I knew that there were thousands of dogs at the dog shelters and at the RSPCA that needed good homes. I wanted to provide that for my prospective dog.

In May last year I lost the first dog my family got when I was 7. His name was Bull and he was the third child to my parents. He was given a few months to live in early 2000. He saved my life once after a King Brown snake was lurking by my feet as I was about to get in to the swimming pool. I moved suddenly and stirred it, and faster than the speed of light, ol'e Bull swept in and snapped up that snake as it was just inches away from me. He got bitten in the process and almost died. After my parents divorce, he became my Dad's dog. He was happier to be with my Dad. Despite his life-saving efforts, Bull didn't like me very much. He was a man's best friend, not a little girls, but I loved him anyway. He died at 15.

When I lived with my Mum we had Pumpkin the rottweiler. I was starting to get really quite attached to her when she was diagnosed with kidney failure. She was already old and feeble and died just one week after Bull.

I wanted to choose the perfect dog, perhaps in replacement of both of these beautifully natured pets. I love dogs so much. I suppose I wanted a pet to help me fill a bit of a void that I've been feeling for awhile. I don't have a lot of company, I don't have a boyfriend nor am I subject to a lot of affection. It's a bit embarrassing to even admit that I craved that from someone so unconditionally that no questions would be asked. I wanted to have a dog that was slightly needy, that was affectionate and loved affection. I had my eye on this beautiful white bull-terrier X. She had been extremely abused and wasn't fond of males. She flinched if you moved too quickly toward her and she needed extra care because she was prone to skin cancer. She had to be an inside dog. Since my pet had to live here with my Mum and Stepfather and I for a bit, I had to get his approval. They said the dog was too big for inside. Even though I wasn't happy about it, I agreed. She was quite a big dog, and there were two other dogs and a kitten in the house to think of.

As I was walking out, displeased and a little bit sad that I couldn't give such a precious thing a new home, I spotted a dog that I thought was particularly ugly. I don't know why she grabbed my attention because she stank a treat and had a smooshed up face, turned up nose. She was missing fur from her back, so it made her look like she was without pants which made me laugh. The lady from the dog shelter asked me if I wanted to handle her. Reluctantly I said okay, even though I just wanted to go home because I was down about the other dog. She grabbed "pixie" and took us to a little play yard and took her off the chain. I let her smell my hand. She was so sweet and so fat and so little. She followed me back and forth. My stepdad and Mum took to her as well. She jumped over me with reticence and a little bit of hesitance, but wanted to give me "kisses" never the less. She smelled like bum, but it didn't matter. I really fell in love with her sweet nature and I decided I wanted to take her. She was a Shih-Tzu X.

I waited anxiously to pick her up the following week after she was desexed (:(:(:(:() and had her dental work and nails trimmed. She sat in my lap on the way home smelling like every other dog at the dog shelter, but she seemed happy and a bit disposed, but nevertheless, at comfort. After a long and stinky 6 days, I was allowed to bathe her (we had to wait cause she had been desexed and couldnt get her incision wet). She fell in love with me, apparently too. She cried when I went even just up the road to get groceries. She sat by me all day long, slept on my bed beside me of a night even gently pawed at my arm when she needed to go to the bathroom of a night.

This dog is almost human, I'm serious. She's got an amazing personality. She wears her hair in a grandma perm. Sometimes her skin condition leaves her without pants. She lets me carry her around in my arms like a baby. She doesnt beg for food when I'm eating, but asks if she can have some with a gentle look and when I say no, she minds her own business. She loves to cuddle up, and loves to roll over for a tummy rub on command. She snuggles up to me when I'm sitting on the couch to watch TV. She sits by my chair when I'm on the computer. She enjoys listening to Michael Jackson music, and even moonwalks. (hahaha) She gets very upset if I raise my voice at her when I catch her trying to eat cats poo from the kitty litter tray (don't ask, we're seeking her a therapist.) and apologises by rolling on to her back asking for a tummy rub.

When I went to Sydney I was so worried that I'd upset her by leaving her for so long. She sulked for a week straight and started peeing inside which she has never done before. She cried at random moments and slept in my Mums room, but didnt snuggle up to her as she does with me. I was scared that when I got back she would forget me, or like me less. I would have been devastated if that was the case. Thankfully not. She lies next to me now as I type this, stopping every once in awhile to pat her head, scratch her behind the ear and so on. I talk to her all the time while I cradle her like a baby and rub her tummy.

And I realise that I am actually, despite all sense of doubt, able to love someone, or something consciously, unconditionally, because I love my Billie more than anything else. She's my bestest friend in all senses. And the best thing about her is that she has never held a single expectation of me. She doesn't get upset when I hog the bed. She doesn't hold a grudge when I raise my voice, she doesn't say things to spite me when she's upset with me. She doesn't go out of her way to hurt my feelings because she's in a bad mood. She doesn't call me names or accuse me of things that aren't even fathomable. She loves me for me, for the love that I give her, for the affection that I shower her with and for the owner that I am.

For so long I felt as though I was unable to consciously give my heart to anyone, anything, but now I see with physical proof that I have this in me. Coming to Christ was a huge step in my life, a huge hurdle to jump, something that I had to accept was within me, a force that quick became so strong that I couldn't ignore it. Every day my hurdle is feeling like something is holding me back from loving Him unconditionally, through everything. Through the good the bad, the frustrations the tears, the fears and the joy and rapture. It was something I felt that I could phyiscally never do because I simply didn't have the passion or the will or even the belief of love within me.

It's funny how it takes a single being in our lives to change our view about everything. I, my friends, am capable of affection and love. I have learned from my beautiful, angel of a puppy that I too, am worthy of love and affection. Not just any love, but love unconditional.

With this knowledge and evidence, I can be more confident about giving My Heart to Christ and letting Him do His will. I know that if I show him the same unconditional love that I show to my beautiful girl on a daily basis, He will cherish me and become pleased with me. The thought of pleasing Him and becoming closer to Him brings me so much hope and happiness.

In August something was plaguing me, an issue with someone of whom I loved so very much. I prayed and prayed over it. I let it become an issue that consumed me whole. I cried so much and asked God to fix it. He didn't fix it straight away. In fact, he didn't really fix it at all for quite some time. It wasn't until I got to the end of my rope. I had exhausted every path that I could to make things right, only nothing went right. I cried out of frustration mostly and finally as if I had a lightbulb moment, I prayed to Jesus about it. I asked Him to wipe away my tears and set my heart free of the confusion and hurt that it was consumed with. I asked Him to take the issue and do with it, His will. I told Him that I trusted Him with it and that in the long run, whatever was His decision I would trust, as the right one.

Jesus resolved my issue that very next day, and Lord how thankful I was. If only I remembered to have the faith to do this every time something is stirring my heart. I would be a much calmer person. The main thing I need to do right now is to trust and share my Heart with Him. And love, consciously, unwittingly, unconditional.