This is going to be really honest.
Today I looked in the mirror and at first I was staring for vanity reasons. I was checking to see if my skin was any clearer than it was a week previous as I'd been suffering a massive break out (I blame Sydney.) I surveyed my entire body, and thought that I'd done well, lost a little bit of weight in some of the places where I'd needed to the most. Slowly my eyes met with my own, and I suddenly wanted to cry. It was such a flip of emotions and I didn't really understand why I felt like that. I had woken up only minutes earlier.
I went back to my bedroom thinking that perhaps I needed to sleep longer. Only, it was nearer to midday and I felt disgusted with myself enough for being so lazy. I thought as I wiped my eyes about what I was going to do today and I drew a blank. The thought of sitting in this house for another 24 hours just made me want to sob. I can't even take up a hobby or go out or anything because at the moment I have so many bills and money issues that spending even a couple of dollars is a big deal.
I'm an absolute coward when it comes to jobs because I feel like it's too much trouble. I joined this agency and I know thats a babystep and thats a good thing, but when I think of the idea of going to a job interview I feel physically sick. The past few jobs I have had, I've been employed by people that I know really well. I don't feel like I have enough confidence or self-assurance to do anything at all. My self-esteem has been shot to absolute pieces over the past year or so and the best thing I'm good at is sitting and continuing to make excuses for myself because I'm "different". But maybe more than anything, I'm the one who alienates myself from everyone. I'm the one who is constantly reminding myself that I'm "not the same" when maybe no one elses realises it at first, but then it gets to the point where I kind of don't let them forget.
Everything in my life seems to be a farce. I've been presented time and time again with fantastic opportunities, with amazing friends who offer to help me do amazing things and I don't take them up on it because I'm afraid I won't be able to let myself come through, that I'll disappoint. I fob it off.
For the past few years I've felt like I have nothing to offer anyone, that I am not even worthy enough to meet new people, to speak in a crowded room because I'm such a degenerate that I don't deserve to even be there. I can't introduce myself, I can't hold a conversation in person for more than three coherent sentences unless I'm a little bit drunk or overly obnoxious. Without a job, without study, without a social life, without any aim, I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone.
Yeah, so I have a disability. I have respiritory malfunctions and slightly visible spinal issues. I've done the stupid thing of letting this define me. I've been through a lot, granted, and the worst thing is, is that the hardest thing wasn't the surgeries, the life of doctor to doctor, hospital to hospital -- it was the social side. It was being outcasted at school, it was going through the first 9 yrs of schooling being ridiculed and abused physically and verbally because of it. (and to this day, I am far too ashamed to admit to anyone the things that were said to me for fear of it actually ringing true to them.) It was believing the things that they said. It was feeling the honesty of their words, for whatever reason they said them. I left school pretty early and as a result I developed agoraphobia and hid from the world for years. Literally.
I spent so much time feeling sorry for myself, becoming paranoid and thinking that the entire world is out to get me. Even now, when I'm okay in that respect... I still flinch when people are staring at me now. I hate that feeling.
So now I'm 22. I've made a life time of silly mistakes, crying over what's so far in the past. It's only recently and I mean, very recently that I realised in hindsight that no one else is to blame by the way I've single-handedly destroyed the past say 7 yrs of my life by letting regret, fear and self-loathe consume me. Early last year this all paramounted to a point where I just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know what to do with myself and I don't think I stopped crying for weeks. I lost a lot of weight, got really sick, emotionally detached myself from everyone and pushed away anything that God was trying to whisper to me.
I'd come here to my Mums because she is my safety net. She doesn't expect anything from me. She's perhaps too easy on me. She babies me because in her eyes, I'm still a little kid and maybe I always will be. I basically didn't leave my bedroom while I was here and no questions were ever asked. I slept all day stayed up all night until I was incoherently sobbing over ... what? It got to the point where I didn't know anymore. I hate that I let myself get to that point.
I thought I was at rock bottom, but things got better. They always do, right? But again, temporarily. Someone startled me by knocking the wind out of me with amazing honesty and sincerity. "Don't you know how beautiful you are, Jess? Oh my goodness, you are so beautiful. Look around at everything in that is a creation of God... The stars, the moon, the birds, the trees, the sea... God doesn't create anything that isn't beautiful. You are God's creation Jess, you are His Princess."
Well.
The revelation felt like it fell upon me like a tonne of bricks. I was just absolutely stunned that I'd never looked at life in that way before. I know my friends adore me, they love me, for the most part unconditionally, but sometimes it's so hard to show how much you care for someone, especially when that someone (me) shows no signs of being on rock bottom. I've always been one of those people who won't show when she's upset. I don't want to bother people, I don't want to really get help because getting help would have meant changing and I was / am scared of stepping out of the shell. So hearing those words was just something that I needed to hear in order to regain some sense of self worth.
Sometimes I wonder though, why God would love me, why He choose me. Why am I so beautiful to Him? Why does He want someone like me to be His princess, what am I worth to Him? It's unfathomable that my Lord should have such unconditional love For me.
But you know, God helps. Praying helps even if sometimes I don't understand why Jesus continues to show me his mercy even when I continue to sin. I'm lazy. I live in regret. I question my Faith. I let other people's doings consume me. I don't always trust Him to be right, I am stubborn and always want to do things my way before giving in and trusting in Him. He's so patient and kind to me and I still don't know why or can't accept it.
I thought I was rock bottom before, but now I am at rock bottom. In fact, I am below rock bottom. I'm all the crap that's beneath the rock's bottom. But I want to change because I don't know for how long I can continue to be stagnant, to feel worthless, to be void of any self-worth and confidence. I want a higher self-esteem. I want to have a wonderful job. I want to be studying to find a career. I'm tired of feeling like I have nothing to offer anyone. I want to fall in love. I want to get married. I want a normal life. I want to accept that no one thinks that I'm not normal, I'm the one who has lead myself to believe such nonsense.
I have a friend who's really hard on me when it comes to this stuff and I get frustrated sometimes because I want her to pity me, the way I've just come to pity myself, but she won't do it. She tells me the truth and she tells me what I need to be doing and time and time again I've let her down by not taking advice. Sometimes the devil is in my ear so loud and so clear, telling me what I am not and I take it, and I believe it.
I just want to be filled with joy. I want to truly feel joy for the first time since I was a child. But it wont just fall in to my lap. I have to help myself. I have to pray. I have to take my friend's advice and I have to just get it done rather than talking about it and crying about what I haven't. I thought going to Sydney would alleviate some of the weight on my heart, but after going and realizing what all of my friends have (i.e stable jobs with good income, their own places to live, respective partners), I came home to nothing and realised what I don't have and it made me feel worse. Not jealous, not even envious, but just aware of what I am robbing myself of.
At the RCIA meeting M. gave me an advertisement of a job at the Catholic primary school (the primary school that is the connection to my church) as a teachers aide and since the school is literally a 1km walk down the road, I decided I wanted it. It said it would be looked upon generously for those who have a certificate in first aid, which I don't have but I am willing to get it if they consider me for the job. I also want to do the application letter a bit different and outline whole-heartedly why I want the position. I love children, I love God, and [but maybe I'll have to brush up on my maths.] I think it'd be a good starting opportunity for me to begin interacting with people again. (Of course that wouldn't be a selling point, so I'd not add that.)
Basically, I want to be studying at Uni. I want to have a job and I want to get my debts out of the way, because it's all I can think about at the moment and it's driving me insane. I need to write out a plan and take babysteps and stick to them. It's crucial now, because although people tell me I'm still young, I'm 22 who's had a string of crap jobs with no direction and time goes by fast. I don't want to be say, even 25 with no direction. I want this year to be the year.
I don't want to cry anymore, it makes my nose run and it gives me the worst headaches. Pray for me okay? I really need the strength right now more than ever. And pray that I fulfil everything that God wills me to do, and if getting this job is His will, please give me the strength to not push it away with cowardice and confusion in my heart.
Now I'm stuck in a moment, it's bad for my health.
But I'm gone, if I don't emancipate myself.
I gotta say that all of this is coming down on me
like a tonne of bricks at this present time.
I don't have much cash,
I'm just trying to figure out the rest of my life
But I think a lot of people would agree that
all you need is a feeling of freedom
And when you're in emotional limbo and
everything you think about is filtered through that.
-- Emancipate Myself, Thirsty Merc.
I love my friends. -- http://www.justonelung.com/gallery/
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7 comments:
When you feel fearful, take a breath and walk forward through the fire that you [i] think [/i] you are going to face. God will see you through. Just trust. And take that quantum leep.
Love you.
*s*
Oh my goodness Jess. As I was reading this, I felt like I wrote it.
So I guess I want to say that with a few exceptions, I kind of know how you feel. I don't want to act like I know EXACTLY how you feel because I know I'm not you, but you aren't alone.
"But I want to change because I don't know for how long I can continue to be stagnant, to feel worthless, to be void of any self-worth and confidence."
Ditto. I know that when it really boils down to it, it is up to us to make a change. (as the great MJ said, lol) I complain all the time, but I hardly ever make an effort to change. I'm such an a-hole sometimes. I complain about not doing as well as I could in school, but then here I am surfing forums and not studying...meanwhile my parents are shelling out $1000s to keep me in school.
It's times like this when I wish I knew you face-to-face in real life. I want to hug you sooo much, and I really love you too. You are of worth to me. =) I've been called mean things as well, but PEOPLE are mean. It would take a mean person to even say something hurtful to your face. I know that if YOU saw someone that you thought something 'not so nice' about, you wouldn't stop that person and tell them to their face what you are thinking.
So brush it off, to hell with them.
I love you and that's all that matters, haha j/k! But you have love all around you and that does matter. =) I hope I don't sound like some cornball right now. *flicks off growing kernel on arm*
Good luck with your job, just try your best and really want it!
We'll talk...<3
Jess, you are more than worth it, you are more than worth while, through the redemptive power of Christ you are brought into His presence. God loves you not because of how together or with it you are, but because you his child.
Jess, I will pray for you and this job.
You need to convince yourself that you are normal, everyone has some kind of disability in certain areas of their lives, everyone is fearful of what will happen and what is not happening. And we are all sinful and do not know why God loves us enough to put up with us.
Don't feel alone *hugs*
Keep going, get those bills paid off, make some more beautiful jewelry when you can and try your best for this job, and if you don't get it, keep on trying for the next.
What I have observed from you is that you are beautiful, we are both short lol, you have a fantastic talent in make up, I think you should look into theatre work. YOu make beautiful jewelry and are so very very creative.
You do not judge, as I have seen with Michael Jackson.
Whatever the kids said to you at school is stupid, thats the worst time for a lot of people, dont get your identity from anything they told you, get your identity from what God says you are, his daughter, made in his image, loved so much that he died for you.
You want to get married someday? You will, of course you will, you have your wonderful self to offer, the man will be very very lucky xxxxx
It means a lot to me that some of you care enough about me to put thought in to your responses. Thank you so much for being my friend, for giving me strength in prayers and in your well wishes and if you stumbled across this without replying but thought of me, then I thank you also for that.
I'm feeling relatively better today, but this kind of depression is a day-to-day thing.
Vicky, the funny thing is, is that I have never thought of you the way you think of yourself. I know that we all view ourselves different, but to me you've always been bright and intelligent and beautiful. I loved you since the day we began talking, and you've been so special to me ever since. I don't know how to place it, but there's a special kinship there that's bigger than something the anti-defamation board would be on our asses about :P I really love you and think of you as one of my closes friends irrespective of if we see each other in real life or not. So don't ever go disappearing on me, and I won't ever do the same to you. Love you longtime Johnny.
Carmel & Dave, your kind words are always so close and treasured in my heart. You're so thoughtful in your responses to me and I am always so relieved to hear some wiseness from the tips of your fingers. I look up to both you guys and Antonia so much and respect your advice grately. You're both so special and kind. Thank you so much.
For anyone who is curious I applied to the job in due time and I finally did a couple of other things that I need to do to put me back on a bit of a path.
I prayed, I relaxed a little and I watched MJ. MJ always brings out a smile, even if only momentary, and that's why we love him, folks.
"I was wandering in the rain
Mask of life feelin' insane
Swift and sudden fall from grace
Sunny days seemed far away
On and on and on it came
And it rained and it rained.
How does it feel?
When you're alone
And you're cold inside.
:) @ Valan & Vicky. Hey. We're talkin' danger. We're deep in the fire. Oh oh yeah yeah. Wah wah. haha. Thanks homies. *throws up a gangsta pose*
Oh Jess, the Lord has blessed you so abundantly with your beautiful spirit.
You are like a blossoming rose being watered by His graces.
Continue to have hope and faith, and persevere in prayer to God & to His most Blessed Mother.
I will definitly pray for you too!
with LOTS of love,
antonia
-x-x-
Jess... I'm not sure why I felt this, but when I read your reply to the previous comments... I felt that you have grown. I had a feeling that... this new chapter in your life, and this calm emerging from something.
I know you can do it. You may not believe it, but you have God's power of fire and infinite strength. To be true to yourself, and express your feelings, which you have just done, take strength ... as MJ said, true courage is expressing your vulnerabilities and feelings. This courage is beyond that anyone, with their spiteful and horrible comments, can project. This courage and your strength is greater than that... it comes from a light within that is all powerful.
You have found your faith, and you have been through a lot, and maybe all of this has shown you a new direction in your life. Maybe you new faith in Christ has changed your dreams and desires, and given birth to new aspirations in your life. Maybe you have been waiting for this... and that's why your future hasn't been 'finalised' or you haven't 'done' that course in uni already. Maybe it's because your new faith, insight, and everything you've been through, has opened new doors for you. When I say new doors, I don't mean ... new opportunities in the sense of new job offers etc. I mean new doors of your heart - your new faith has planted seeds of desire that will grow. These new doors have opened your mind and heart to new possibilities and directions with your career, and life, that you may have not seen before. For example, before I was an MJ fan... I wanted to be a dancer. When I became an MJ fan, I took an emotional journey of discovering and exploring MJ's beliefs and ideals. These opened my mind's eye, and opened me up to truth within myself. I questioned myself more, and new doors opened. These new doors were desires for me to do something that helps or adds to humanity in some way. This new faith has materialised and blossomed as my new beliefs have seen new things come into my life, and a change of direction in my life. You have endured massive changes, and your new sense of being will open up new doors. Maybe you needed the sadness for the words that touched you so much (those you refered to), to inspire you in that way. And maybe you needed this, before you set your future in stone (not that it has to be in stone), to follow your true self, your true direction, and to be true to you.
I know I've blabbed on a lot, but what can I say -- I'm like Fran Fine =P, and my family is this way too, lol.
Take care Jess, and express yourself - you don't weigh others down. You never could.
Jodi
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