Time for a bit of honesty.

I feel pigeon-holed.

I know that while it's possibly a very hypersensitive feeling to run with, it's an honest one.

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days (probably too much) and I feel really bitter toward a lot of people of whom I've had on a pedastel for so long and it is exactly therein that lies the problem.

A lot of it has to do with isolation. I'm far away from the people that I love, that I used to have fun with and I miss it, and I miss them. I feel like no one cares about me or makes an effort anymore. I feel like I'm out of sight and out of mind, yet I don't have the courage to confront people about it. I feel like people look down on me because I'm struggling to find my place in life. Most of my friends are hugely successful within everything that they are doing. Some of my friends have well-established careers and they are so brilliant at what they do -- or studying to become brilliant and well-established.

And here I am, struggling to find a job even as a friggin check-out chick. Why, oh why coles myer must one have to be a rocket scientist to find a job? Do I really have to result to handing in my CV to fast food outlets? Why is it so hard to find a job? I'm trying so hard. All I need is a quick job that I can stand for 3 or 4 months that will help me save a few thousand dollars to fix my car (or buy a new one) and get me out of this damn cess pool.

No one asks me what I'm up to anymore. I feel like I get shelved. People pick me up and put me back down until the next time they're bored, because I slot to everyones life quite well time-wise (on their time, nevermine) because lets face it, I don't have one of my own -- so I have to wait til they have time for me.

I feel like if I confront anyone about it I'll just sound like a whiney brat and I'll get the, "well I have a job." ... well sure, you might have a job and you might have a life, but my time is just as important as yours irrespective of how I like to spend it.

Yes I'm working and yes I love my job, but I really wish it a paying job. I know the experience is good -- but I really need money more than experience because I'm feeling so caved in right now and I need to get out of here in order to fix that. My car registration is due (and I need to decide if I'm keeping it or not) my bank account is depleted except for the very small savings that I do have and the bills keep coming (despite my efforts to try to minimise everything) ... and besides my work for St. Vin during the week to keep me occupied. I'm BORED out of my freaking brain.

And I really want to get into uni and show everyone who might be judging me, that I can become someone and something. And that my time may be used more constructively. Right now, unfortunately I don't have anyone to help me, to get me a job, to help me with money or to even encourage me. But to tell the truth, I really don't want that. I want to be able to say I did this on my own, because I know there will be more satisfaction in it...

I'm just so freaking sick of crying over it -- I just want the situation to end.

This "rough patch" has been lasting so ridiculously long and I just really want more than anything else in the world to be able to get ahead, not to feel so pathetic and failure-like for not being where I should be and for not having any support around me. Because you know what, dear friends, who never call, email or come to see me? I could really use your support and encouragement.

Thanks.
Bye.