September, the bad month...

Dad always told me that September was a hideous month. For him, it was always filled with bad luck, trials and tribulations starting with his parents divorce as a child. He told me this in September 2002 when he was hit with a ridiculously unfair $25,000 lawsuit no thanks to his then-partner with who had a big mouth. The next September his step-father died very suddenly of a heart attack. September 2004 my aunt was admitted to hospital and had to have a surgery for an annuerism. September 2005 that aunt died of lung cancer.

At around 8:30am this morning my Dad called me. He thinly vieled this call as one to just quickly tell me that he was mailing me some car insurance forms from home. There was an air of lingering awkwardness. There was a sweetness in his voice that I was surprised to hear. He had littered the conversation with petnames which isn't too much like my Dad. As there was that moment of silence where he was about to end the call, I asked, "How are you? Is everything cool?"

His voice turned really dark and sad and he said with a bit of an awkward laugh, "No not really..." Immediately I knew something was wrong. I've heard that voice on my Dad far too much in concern of my brother. I asked him what had happened, thinking that the story he'd relayed to me about my brother last week had checked out and he was upset with everything. Instead, he shocked me with, "C. has cancer." I felt like a bomb had been dropped on me. C. is my Dad's girlfriend of just on ten years. I tried to ask a million questions at once. What type, wha, how? why? how bad? etc... He was almost whispering and said he couldn't say much cos she was around, but he was on his way to the hospital to meet with the dr about it with her. He promised he'd call me back over the weekend with more details.

C. is the reason for my dad's happiness. She is the reason that I have a great relationship with my Dad. She is the reason why my Dad hasn't choked or disowned my brother. She has always been there for my brother and I and has always opened up her heart to us and with her, we know we have a second mother. I spent pretty much the past 8 years living with her and my Dad, including her as part of my family. I remember just how gutting it was last year when Dad told me that she was concerned that I had grown to dislike her... I never, ever wanted her to think that, because if anything, I loved C. from the first night I ever met her.

I ended the conversation with Dad quickly. Burst in to tears and went to tell my Mum. She consoled me and advised me not to start to worry until we have more details. It was on my mind all day and .... I actually forgot to go to work. Thank goodness they're a completely understanding bunch.

I tried to sleep all afternoon away, I haven't wanted to think about it or worry but I just can't help it.

Valan called me earlier to find out how I was feeling, during that time Dad called as well. So I spoke to him again for about 10 minutes. I thankfully got more details. She has cancer of the ovaries (I think) and has to have a full hysterectemy (sp?) but they still don't know the extent of how far it's spread. Apparently the chances of treating it are good. My Dad said there's four stages of treating it. He's still really shaken up but says that they both feel a bit more positive now. He said, "I can imagine it happening to me, but not to her." :(

He said they're waiting for test results... I'm still really quite worried. I'm scared for her and scared for my Dad and I don't want him to lose another loved one to cancer. She's only 51 and she's such an awesome, happy, vibrant woman. It's going to be a fight ahead of them, regardless.

I obviously still don't know a lot, but hopefully I'll have better news next time...

Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. I also, like my Dad, don't want to lose another loved one, especially not C.

:(

A Walk To Remember...

I was thinking about this time last year. I was in Sydney with a male friend who, for so long, I thought that I was desperately in love with. Then I got over it sometime in 2004. I liked him a lot, my parents liked him a lot. He was funny, intelligent, warm and we get along so ridiculously well. I liked him because he found me to be one of the funniest people he'd ever met, and it's hard to find someone that may not "get" me entirely, but appreciates my wit, non-the-less (without thinking I'm strange lol) ...

We were in the city, and we were on our way to somewhere. It was a beautiful day, in fact boiling hot. I drove to his house, picked him up and we drove in my foul hot car all the way to Sydney. We decided not to go to the place we were headed straight away, but instead went for a walk in the sun. We walked side by side and for the first time in a long time, those feelings that I originally had for him started to come back. I wanted to grab for his hand, but of course didn't. We went and bought ice cream and sat on a bench and ate, talking, laughing, making fun... We then spent the afternoon at a party, and then together we went to eat our favourite kind of food afterward.

I dropped him home later that night and admitted to myself that I still had residue feelings for him.

I talked to him for about 4 hours the other night... and realised that almost another year on and I still have some residue feelings for him.

But maybe I like the idea more of finding someone who is good looking, smart and funny who likes me just fine in return. Someone that I'm not intimidated or scared of being myself around -- I'm rarely myself with the opposite sex, so perhaps I just find it refreshing to be once again in the presence of a guy who really appreciates me.

Or ... I'm lonely and want a boyfriend.


Speaking of Michael Jackson ... Oh wait, we weren't. Anyway.

Happy 48th birthday Michael Jackson. Thank you for the beautiful memories, the love, the music, the kindness, the friendships, the happiest day experiences of my life and for the life that you have always shared with us, your fans. I love you!

Thank God for clear skin. Can I just say that?! Thank God for foundation that makes me look like I have flawless skin.






Now if only my face looked this good in person. Grr.

Stupid.

I'm going dr searching again. Swollen leg seems pretty serious. Why meeeeeeeeeeeeee *whine* ... I hate Drs (No offense if you're reading this Antonia, I love you very much ;)) and I hate not feeling "right" ... I'm thinking worst case scenario, I have a clot. My leg is going to turn blue and drop off and it's okay cause I have another spare leg. (No, I don't have three legs, but at least I do have two of these.) ... and so ... yeah I need to find out what the go is with it.

:(

In an interesting turn of events...

My brother's secret is out. To be honest, its a relief. I didn't let on that I knew, but the right person found out and therefore they can deal with it a whole lot better than I could deal with it.

My friend Louise's grandmother died the other day. I spent a lot of time at her grandparents house (she lived with them) in my early teens and I was always warmly welcomed in to their home and it a very unexpected, therefore probably shocking loss to her children and grandchildren. So, I wanted to extend my prayers and condolences to her family and friends and ask that you guys also would as well. & Of course, may she rest in peace at the hands of Almighty God.

xox God Bless.

:( my sore foot.

I've damaged my foot some how. I woke up thursday morning with a stupid limp. It's not swollen or bruised or anything and as far as I know, I haven't hit it or done something that might cause it to hurt so much. The only thing I can think of is my awful habit of sitting on my foot. On thursday I was on the computer the whole day right up until around 2am friday morning and I'll bet that for most of that time I was sitting on my foot. Perhaps its something to do with circulation. Around my ankle it hurts, pain shooting up the back of my heel and a hard dull ache.

If it's not gone by wednesday I'm going to go back to the doctor and see what's going on. It might be veins, I have some really gross veins in my legs that sometimes hurt.

In other news, I feel Taller, Stronger & Better -- and this is why;

Fill us with the light of day.

God is really working a wonder in my life right now.

I can't really explain it, but I asked for help almost two weeks ago now. I asked for freedom within my heart, an alleviation of everything that I felt to be encumbering me and stressing me to unnecessary lengths. It was a short and silent prayer that I said while in the shower -- sometimes really the only 'alone' time I get where I can concentrate and think entirely about God.

Well, I feel like something has changed. It's not like one of those things where you're gonna feel good for a few days and then all of a sudden something will happen and you're back down in the dumps -- I feel like I've just been graced with a new attitude. One that's less filled with less laziness and more of a willingness to make the effort to change really terrible habits that were ruling my life. I need to convince myself to stop thinking about things and just do them, because that's the only way they're going to get done. Telling myself over and over that I have to do something sure isn't doing anything.

Sometimes it's hard to get myself started, but once I do, I'm fine.

I've been really busy with things lately and I like it. I haven't been online (surfing the net) as much as usual (which is good cos I've just stopped to breathe and there's absolutely nothing to take a look at). I'm still making some money, and I have another job that I'll get started on in the morning.

I'm going to Caro's house tomorrow at some point and on Sunday we're going to the Open day at AC University so I can look in to courses and figure out what I have to do to apply for next year. Yeehee. I'm so excited about going back to study!

I also would like to thank God for sending me a friend that always understands, no matter what. And for giving me the graces to be the friend that she choses to place her trust in to with confidence that I will never judge her. What an honour. :)

xoxox
God Bless, folks.

I love you so much more than arithmetic

Yup, as my lovely Mariah Carey always likes to say, "There'll always be a rainbow after the storm" (I wonder if there will ever be a Mariah Carey wearing appropriate clothing after the rainbow.)

Let's do a little summary.
Bank account one - $45
Bank account two - $170
Bank account three - $0 (thats ok, its just new)
Pending transfer to bank account one from account four - $40
Pending transfer of ebay payment $30
Data entry work $200+
New web design job $130+
Pending payment of 2 bags $60
Paypal account $88

Now, I'm not very good at maths, but I'm pretty sure that almost equals A FIXED FREAKIN CAR

Oh joy, Oh rapture, oh sweet jubuilation!!!!!1111

Let's keep those orders coming, people!!! I'm ebaying my bloody life away... or so it seems. Check out my auctions here, you never know, maybe you want something from me!! haha. (Doubtful.)

God Bless
x

Somewhere over the rainbow...

So maybe the sun will shine for a little bit. I know I'm praying for it, but I don't want to count the chickens before they hatch.

Basically, today I went to the auto repairs to buy a new battery for my car. Coincidentally, its out of registration today. I picked up a used battery for $20. Brilliant. See, I only need the battery so that my car will actually run and it'll have enough energy to drive it down the street to the mechanic.

They recommended a mechanic to Mum and I. We went there to maybe try to get a rough estimate of how much it would cost. For those who don't know what happened to my stupid car, you can read about it here. (The saddest day of my life.....almost) So we went around there and the man told us that if the headgasket isnt cracked, and if it's just blown, then it should only be around $400-600 to fix. That to me is GREAT. If it is cracked then I'm looking at around $1000 (if that's the case, I might just get rid of the car). He said that the fact that the car is even still going is a really good sign. (I drove it about 25 minutes after I originally blew it.) If thats the case, and I can get it fixed for under $800, I'm very happy. I'll pay for it. I then have to get the registration changed over to Victoria, which means it has to get tested to make sure that it's roadworthy.

I think that something shifty was conducted to get it to pass registration before, because I know that there was an oil leak. In fact, I think that's what caused the blown headgasket to begin with. So! I want to pay to ensure the entire thing is roadworthy, that way I should be able to ensure that I will get at least another year or two's use out of it. So all up with registration, I might be looking at around $1200 to fix up completely and let me tell you, that is okay with me.

I'm very poor at the moment, but I am doing a little data entry work and all the money that I've been making with my bags is slowly adding up. As soon as my car is fixed my job options just completely widen and I have that huge air of independance again. I can even apply to Monash Uni out here and transfer later. I counted up all my money earlier (right down to the last dollars, seriously.) and I think I already have roughly around $300 saved without being paid for what I've already done data-entry wise (and have some that I'm currently doing) and I still have some money that I'm expecting from bags and other auctions that I've got going on ebay.

So please pray for me that it will all work out as it should. :)

xoxox

Now I'm a mini business...

It started out as something I just tried for fun. And it turned out to be more. Oh yes, that's right... I'm talking about making tote bags. I guess it's keeping me and my Mum busy, and that's a good thing -- but I hate watching the money adding up so slowly. (I guess slowly is better than not at all.)

So here's a picture of one of my creations. I'm contemplating making my own one that says, "TEAM LACHEY" ... cause, Jessica Simpson is a tool, and I have a nice little crush on little beef cake Nick. haha. Oh right, the pictures... (Why is blogger so tempremental with adding them.)

They're selling quite well. I've extended myself to putting zippers and clasps on them, pockets and pencil holders on the inside... and personalising them more.

I have way too much spare time.

Get me a real job now!!!

Sunday Scribblings: Who Else Can I Still Be?

I believed that I was going to be a writer. I dreamed of my books being held in the intense grasp of engrossed readers from nations afar.

But I never had enough faith in my own talent.

I wanted to be a journalist and aspired to become well-known and esteemed for the way I would write honestly, sway from shoddy tabloid sensationalism and only ever tell it like it was.

I dreamed of following on to university from high school, of having more close friends than I could count on my fingers and toes and admirers who found me attractive for the intellect that I held within my head and the way that I carried myself before much else.

But I was forced to quit high school well before that happened.

I wished to not be alone, to be confident. I wished that I could be more. I wished that I could find the strength to fix myself. I prayed to be healthy, to lead a normal life. I wanted to be more social, to find it easy to hold conversation. I wanted to have more faith, more passion, and less sadness.

I wanted to be happy.

Somewhere between a blur of a seemingly speeding clock I got lost.

Then I wanted to find myself – now or never.

I wanted to become all that I dreamed I could not.

I became a student again. I then became more.

I became faithful. I became passionate.

I became more social, and became a loyal friend.

Every single day I found myself writing, living, breathing, bleeding ink on to a page – I was already a writer.

I developed an infinite love for smaller children, thus a desire to become a teacher engulfed me.

At 22, I feel like I’ve lived my life already, but sometimes when I sit back and take stock, I realize I haven’t lived at all. There is so much more that I still want to be.

I can still travel the world.
I can still be a fancy shmancy make up artist.
I can still be the beacon of faith that will overflow in to other people.
I can still be somebody’s best friend, soul mate or loyal wife.I can still be a mother.
I can still be a teacher.

Someone taught me that being happy is only an emotion of momentary bliss, but living life, choosing to be joyful by taking the good with the bad is a lifestyle that will motivate me every single day.

It’s not too late for anything. And I can still choose joy.

Why does my heart feel so bad?

I had a really bad nightmare that my dog was attacked and I could see her internal organs and rib cage just ripped apart and she was lying there staring at me clinging on to life, whimpering softly and I just cried and cried and I found out that she could be saved, but it was going to cost thousands of dollars that I just didn't have. It was so graphic and so real.

I woke up feeling so friggin traumatised.

My puppy is my life.

Time for a bit of honesty.

I feel pigeon-holed.

I know that while it's possibly a very hypersensitive feeling to run with, it's an honest one.

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days (probably too much) and I feel really bitter toward a lot of people of whom I've had on a pedastel for so long and it is exactly therein that lies the problem.

A lot of it has to do with isolation. I'm far away from the people that I love, that I used to have fun with and I miss it, and I miss them. I feel like no one cares about me or makes an effort anymore. I feel like I'm out of sight and out of mind, yet I don't have the courage to confront people about it. I feel like people look down on me because I'm struggling to find my place in life. Most of my friends are hugely successful within everything that they are doing. Some of my friends have well-established careers and they are so brilliant at what they do -- or studying to become brilliant and well-established.

And here I am, struggling to find a job even as a friggin check-out chick. Why, oh why coles myer must one have to be a rocket scientist to find a job? Do I really have to result to handing in my CV to fast food outlets? Why is it so hard to find a job? I'm trying so hard. All I need is a quick job that I can stand for 3 or 4 months that will help me save a few thousand dollars to fix my car (or buy a new one) and get me out of this damn cess pool.

No one asks me what I'm up to anymore. I feel like I get shelved. People pick me up and put me back down until the next time they're bored, because I slot to everyones life quite well time-wise (on their time, nevermine) because lets face it, I don't have one of my own -- so I have to wait til they have time for me.

I feel like if I confront anyone about it I'll just sound like a whiney brat and I'll get the, "well I have a job." ... well sure, you might have a job and you might have a life, but my time is just as important as yours irrespective of how I like to spend it.

Yes I'm working and yes I love my job, but I really wish it a paying job. I know the experience is good -- but I really need money more than experience because I'm feeling so caved in right now and I need to get out of here in order to fix that. My car registration is due (and I need to decide if I'm keeping it or not) my bank account is depleted except for the very small savings that I do have and the bills keep coming (despite my efforts to try to minimise everything) ... and besides my work for St. Vin during the week to keep me occupied. I'm BORED out of my freaking brain.

And I really want to get into uni and show everyone who might be judging me, that I can become someone and something. And that my time may be used more constructively. Right now, unfortunately I don't have anyone to help me, to get me a job, to help me with money or to even encourage me. But to tell the truth, I really don't want that. I want to be able to say I did this on my own, because I know there will be more satisfaction in it...

I'm just so freaking sick of crying over it -- I just want the situation to end.

This "rough patch" has been lasting so ridiculously long and I just really want more than anything else in the world to be able to get ahead, not to feel so pathetic and failure-like for not being where I should be and for not having any support around me. Because you know what, dear friends, who never call, email or come to see me? I could really use your support and encouragement.

Thanks.
Bye.

We've had enough...

Love was taken from a young life
And no one told her why
Her direction had a dim light
From one more violent crime
She innocently questioned why
Why her father had to die
She asked the men in blue
"How is it that you get to choose
Who will live and who will die
Did God say that you could decide?
You saw he didn't run
And that my daddy had no gun"

In the middle of a village
Within a distant land
Lies a poor boy with his broken toy
Too young to understand
He's awaken, ground is shaking
His father grabs his hand
Screaming crying, his wife's dying
Now he's left to explain
He innocently questioned why
Why his mother had to die
"Why did these soldiers come here for?
If they're for peace why is there war?
Did God say that they could decide
Who will live and who will die?
All my mama ever did
Was try to take care of her kids."
We're innocently standing by
Watching people losing lives
It seems as if we have no voice
It's time for us to make a choice
Only God could decide
Who will live and who will die
There's nothing that can't be done
If we raise our voice as one
They gotta hear it from me
They gotta hear it from you
They gotta hear it from us
We can't take it
We've already had enough

Sunday Scribblings: Who Else Might I Have Been?

"Has there been a dramatic crossroads in your life? A road not taken? If you had taken a left turn instead of a right that day back in 1980... might your whole life had turned out differently?"

I let the darkness enshroud my troubled heart with such a dominating force that I am unable to wave away. It is ruling my life. It taints my intentions, my goodness and even my general ability to function normally.

I feel inferior, tactless and weary. I am tired of caring, tired of fighting and consider largely how easy it would be just to give up and lose it all. Quitting is something that I have very much accepted as a part of my style. I’ve learned to run so hard and so fast from places and from people without having to move my legs very far at all.

Physical endurance was never really my strong point anyway.

I look at relationships within my life with such bitterness. I feel myself pushing everyone away. It is sure easier than having to let them in on the biggest secret that I guard close to me. It is a secret that I naively assum they could never have guessed – that I am not perfect.

I throw tantrums when I’m alone. I yell. I scream, I cry and sometimes I even pray. I pray because I remember not so long ago when a stranger extended a hand of friendship to me – an invitation to see what they could see. I let fear take hold of me and I smacked that outstretched hand away, nevermind that curiosity had screamed at me to take a leap of faith. I pray because I want that opportunity to arise again, but I know it never will.

I long to be heard. I long to beg someone for help. I want guidance and understanding but I am not willing to put my heart on the line. Coupled with that darkness in my heart, is a myriad of shame, spite and extreme jealousy of everyone that seem to be able to smile with a peaceful mind.

Oh God, I hate those people…

I look at those around me with my eyes narrowed to slits, disbelieving, cynical and jaded. I feel like I’m superior, because living like this void of emotion, diffident to everything – I am safe. No one can hurt me because I keep the lock on the door to my heart safely deadlocked. I admit nothing. I want to feel nothing. In fact, I lay in bed and I sleep the days away. It sure beats those panic attacks that encumber me each time I leave the house.

I keep praying.

I want another sign that he doesn’t hate me. I know that he’s so disappointed that I was too scared to invite him in to my heart for tea and scrumpets the first time around, and I’m scared he won’t come knocking again.

And of course the biggest secret of all – I don’t want to be this lonely or this numb forever.

Come and see.

The next day John was there again with two of his disciples.
When he saw Jesus passing by, he said, "Look, the Lamb of God!"
When the two disciples heard him say this, they followed Jesus.
Turning around, Jesus saw them following and asked, "What do you want?" They said, "Rabbi" (which means Teacher), "where are you staying?"
"Come," he replied, "and you will see." So they went and saw where he was staying, and spent that day with him. It was about the tenth hour.

The above scripture is one that we looked at tonight at RCIA. It was a passage that really stumped me at first. I took it very literally as always at first until I reread it through a few times and it came together.

Firstly, Jesus asks, "What do you want?" ... it's not as cut and dry as it seems. It's kind of a loaded question isn't it? "What do you want from? What are you looking for? How can I help you? Are you seeking something from me?" ...The desciples of John are clearly curious; they have questions. They want to know more about this man that everyone is referring to as "The lamb of God." -- Jesus gives them an even more loaded answer to their following question.

"Come and you will see." Sometimes in order to believe we need to see for ourselves. We don't necessarily want text book answers to questions that we have because we simply need to be shown. We need to learn our own mistakes, be given our own choices in life and take from something what we want, and see for ourselves. God gave us this choice through his only son, Jesus. He sent his dearly beloved to show us the way, to let us see God for ourselves. The desciples of John (The Baptist) took their leap of faith because they were searching, they were curious, they wanted to see for themselves. They not only had their questions answered, but they also chose to stay for the day with Jesus - and then became the first two desciples of Christ.

I look over my journey now and then and I realised that I came from such a frightening place. I wasn't as courageous at first to take the leap of faith. So many times Jesus wanted to show me the way -- so many times he was knocking at my door and I locked him out because I was too scared. I had a fear of Christ, of organised religion, of tradition and of sin that it kept me away from Him for so long. I was ashamed of my sin, my own darkness and hatred and was so self-indulgent that I knew if I let him in, I'd have to do away with all of those things upon making a promise to him.

You know, a good friend told me how normal it is to go through times of spiritual dryness, to not feel that constant "honeymoon" period with God, that it is those moments that stretch our strength and faith. I take solace in that because sometimes I find it so easy to just walk away from Him. I forget the promise that I made to Him through confirmation and baptism. I forget that He is the only one who is in control of me. He is the one who can give me the answers and show me the way without pulling out a textbook to give me the annoying text book answers that I could easily have found on my own. But thankfully I believe in a very forgiving and merciful God. I believe in a very compassionate Father who looks at me with fondness in his eyes. He feels my pain, wipes away my tears and always, always listens to me when I talk to him, even if I let my head believe that he doesn't really care. But when I'm caught in the eye of the storm, I lift my hands and my head in prayer. I tell Him everything that He already knows. I ask for His divine help, even if I'm confused and don't know how to convey it. He already knows. He touches me with His kind and healing hands. He cries with me. He comforts me. He accepts my apologies for trying to sort things out and be the master of my own destiny before I find My Way back on path, however shaky it must seem.

I have such a freedom in my heart knowing that Jesus Christ is the Truth -- all because I believe and am truly repentant from the abyss of my heart.

And like the disciples of John, I took Jesus' invitation to "Come and see"

Sometimes I get bitter..

Should have trusted my own feelings but I silenced intuition
When you sacrificed your honesty
I believed that you would be there
To protect me and help me with all I'm going through
There's a joy to being free that you could have taken from me
But I found the strength to walk away
If you turn the pages and you look inside
There is nothing of me I feel that I have to hide
If you turn the tables and look at yourself
Is there something you fear that you would have to confess?
Many things will come to pass and I can live with that
I can't help but wonder when you'll get yours
I'm so happy I have moved on
I heard you are regretful but you sacrificed your dignity
With the power you have abused, you disgust me
And trust me, I'm not the only one
Haven't I already proved that I'm better off without you?
I'm so glad I walked away
For all the lies and your manipulation
For all the times I never felt good enough
You pushed me 'round and put me down
To satisfy your childish ego
For all the times that you made me feel worthless
The power struggles, now I couldn't care less
It's after you there's nothing you can do
What goes round comes round
Many things will come to pass and I can live with that
But... I can't help but to wonder when you'll get yours