There was a horrific murder that happened in Perth yesterday where an 8 year old girl was found murdered in a disabled public toilet in a shopping centre. Her 14 yr old brother was waiting for her outside and eventually went inside to see why she was taking so long and found her.
Read more about it here.
It's so horrific and tragic. I can't believe how someone could have done that to such a sweet innocent little angel. The world is such a scary place.
Keep little Sofia in your thoughts and prayers. :(
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Sunday, June 25, 2006
I have been blessed, I live only for your happiness...
Guy Sebastian was performing in the city and it was a free little gig in the city centre so he could give Sarah (his partner on the singing show) some singing experience. So we decided to go down (one of my bestfriends, Caro and I.). I was sick, of course, but I convinced myself otherwise (yep, priorities are all wrong.) I hadn't seen Caro for about 2 months so I was also looking forward to seeing her and a friend of mine had come from Sydney for an extended weekend and she was going to come as well, we would meet her there. I was pretty excited. We had no idea where we were going, but a call from my friend provided me with some rather vague (but as it turns out, accurate) directions. We arrived and I said hello to my friends and hung back with Caro for awhile until the gig began.
Guy performed "Oh, Oh" (It's a funny kinda song, basically telling girls to stop being such skanks, put your clothes on, I like you better when you're classy. etc) and then, a song from his new album called "Trade This Love" (It's a pretty cute song. I have to admit, it's grown on me.) and Al Green's "Let's Stay Together", then Sarah came out and they sang the songs They've done on the show together-- "Dancing Queen", "From This Moment" and the song they'll perform tonight, "I'm A Believer" it was pretty fun.
What I love about Guy, is that he never treats me like a "fan" but always talks to me like I was actually a person (duh, I am) I always refrained from butt kissing or any of those, "Omgz I luvvv youuuu will you marry mee!!!" fan moments (I'm not really the star struck type -- when people act like that, I get embarrassed...) Anyway, when I came to Christ very early last year, Guy and I had a conversation about it, backstage after a concert. It was an intense conversation, and one of the hardest convos I've ever tried to have. I walked away feeling like a moron and was put off talking to him ever again. (He didn't make me feel stupid, I just had a severe case verbal diahorreah and blurted disjointed sentences about ... who knows what, and I'm sure he was confused -- but a lot of what I was trying to say was to do with him, his beliefs and so forth.)
Anyway. I've been to about 5 or 6 gigs since then and I've had plenty of opportunity to say hello, but I haven't been able to force myself. I wrote him a brief email a few days ago (before the gig) explaining that it'd been over a year since I'd actually said anything except a communal hello (and even then, I'm not even sure he heard or knew I was there) and explained in about 3 or 4 lines, my reasons -- and he replied to me on Thursday. The email was so kind and gracious and it made me feel so much better about the whole thing. (I was aware that it was a much bigger "thing" in my head) Basically, I had to come up and say hello to him next time... Well, that happened to be friday.
After the show, he came toward the front and signed some stuff for people. He was standing beside me and I waited patiently, and gave him a soft little poke in the ribs. He glanced at me, but don't think right away it registered that he knew me. He kind of laughed, and then he was done with the person beside me. I said "Hello" very shyly (I was so freakin' nervous). For a split second, I thought that he wouldn't connect me with the Jess that he sent the email to-- but I was quickly put to rest. He said, "Heyyyy Jess!" and gave me a big squishy hug. :) I said, Hello how are you, and then he mentioned, "I saw your myspace page the other day..." hehehehehe. And basically it was all just a very quick few moments, because there were loads of other people who wanted photos and autographs but I felt really good about finding the courage to actually speak to him again.
Afterwards, we hung around for a bit to talk to my friend who was in from Sydney and Jen who had come along too-- and I had a few words with another friend who was there. It was nice to see him again too. Although, I'd seen him the weekend before (but didn't get the chance to speak). When we left Caro and I went to have lunch together and then we took the long journey home. And I got home, and uploaded some photographs that I took. I'm having problems uploading them. Why is blogger photo uploader so tempremental?
I resolved that I need to read my bible more. I also need to be praying more. I've gotten a bit lazy lately and I know God wants to hear it from me just how I'm really doing. :) God has been real good to me lately... I need to stop often and never take it for granted.
Anyhoo, I'll be back with some profound thoughts later. Aren't my pictures pretty? Oh and P.S does anyone know how I can add like a song on here for people to listen to??
Thanks :)
Guy performed "Oh, Oh" (It's a funny kinda song, basically telling girls to stop being such skanks, put your clothes on, I like you better when you're classy. etc) and then, a song from his new album called "Trade This Love" (It's a pretty cute song. I have to admit, it's grown on me.) and Al Green's "Let's Stay Together", then Sarah came out and they sang the songs They've done on the show together-- "Dancing Queen", "From This Moment" and the song they'll perform tonight, "I'm A Believer" it was pretty fun.
What I love about Guy, is that he never treats me like a "fan" but always talks to me like I was actually a person (duh, I am) I always refrained from butt kissing or any of those, "Omgz I luvvv youuuu will you marry mee!!!" fan moments (I'm not really the star struck type -- when people act like that, I get embarrassed...) Anyway, when I came to Christ very early last year, Guy and I had a conversation about it, backstage after a concert. It was an intense conversation, and one of the hardest convos I've ever tried to have. I walked away feeling like a moron and was put off talking to him ever again. (He didn't make me feel stupid, I just had a severe case verbal diahorreah and blurted disjointed sentences about ... who knows what, and I'm sure he was confused -- but a lot of what I was trying to say was to do with him, his beliefs and so forth.)
Anyway. I've been to about 5 or 6 gigs since then and I've had plenty of opportunity to say hello, but I haven't been able to force myself. I wrote him a brief email a few days ago (before the gig) explaining that it'd been over a year since I'd actually said anything except a communal hello (and even then, I'm not even sure he heard or knew I was there) and explained in about 3 or 4 lines, my reasons -- and he replied to me on Thursday. The email was so kind and gracious and it made me feel so much better about the whole thing. (I was aware that it was a much bigger "thing" in my head) Basically, I had to come up and say hello to him next time... Well, that happened to be friday.
After the show, he came toward the front and signed some stuff for people. He was standing beside me and I waited patiently, and gave him a soft little poke in the ribs. He glanced at me, but don't think right away it registered that he knew me. He kind of laughed, and then he was done with the person beside me. I said "Hello" very shyly (I was so freakin' nervous). For a split second, I thought that he wouldn't connect me with the Jess that he sent the email to-- but I was quickly put to rest. He said, "Heyyyy Jess!" and gave me a big squishy hug. :) I said, Hello how are you, and then he mentioned, "I saw your myspace page the other day..." hehehehehe. And basically it was all just a very quick few moments, because there were loads of other people who wanted photos and autographs but I felt really good about finding the courage to actually speak to him again.
Afterwards, we hung around for a bit to talk to my friend who was in from Sydney and Jen who had come along too-- and I had a few words with another friend who was there. It was nice to see him again too. Although, I'd seen him the weekend before (but didn't get the chance to speak). When we left Caro and I went to have lunch together and then we took the long journey home. And I got home, and uploaded some photographs that I took. I'm having problems uploading them. Why is blogger photo uploader so tempremental?
I resolved that I need to read my bible more. I also need to be praying more. I've gotten a bit lazy lately and I know God wants to hear it from me just how I'm really doing. :) God has been real good to me lately... I need to stop often and never take it for granted.
Anyhoo, I'll be back with some profound thoughts later. Aren't my pictures pretty? Oh and P.S does anyone know how I can add like a song on here for people to listen to??
Thanks :)
Saturday, June 24, 2006
I'm sick again, weeee.
Okay so I'm generally good. I do however, have a nasty cough and I'm quickly and very surely losing my ability to speak. This is a result of said, cough.
I have, however, despite tragic and probably very much-needed bed-rest, have a really great day. But I can't be bothered writing a whole "thing" on it right now cause I'm extremely tired, my head is killing and I need some of that really strong decongesting nasal spray, a couple of panadols and a good sleep.
I don't know how I'm going to manage that since I'm a little wired from the ventolin. (is it just me or does anyone who uses asthma inhalers get palpitations or REALLY fast heart beating to the point they feel like they want to be sick?) And so I need to go and try to get some decent sleep.
I just wanted mainly to take this moment to Praise God for everything that's been going so extraordinarily well in my life right now (despite the illness). I'm heading up to Sydney on the 3rd or 4th of July, for 5 or 6 days to see Darren Hayes in concert, to see my bestfriend and to see the boy that I'm quite desperately in love with (who, by the way, is also very homosexual =() and also to celebrate my mother's 50th birthday.
After that I'm considering hanging out in South Australia for a week. Maybe.
I just felt the need to thank Jesus for the amazing day, the amazing week and the amazing people in my life. =)
I have, however, despite tragic and probably very much-needed bed-rest, have a really great day. But I can't be bothered writing a whole "thing" on it right now cause I'm extremely tired, my head is killing and I need some of that really strong decongesting nasal spray, a couple of panadols and a good sleep.
I don't know how I'm going to manage that since I'm a little wired from the ventolin. (is it just me or does anyone who uses asthma inhalers get palpitations or REALLY fast heart beating to the point they feel like they want to be sick?) And so I need to go and try to get some decent sleep.
I just wanted mainly to take this moment to Praise God for everything that's been going so extraordinarily well in my life right now (despite the illness). I'm heading up to Sydney on the 3rd or 4th of July, for 5 or 6 days to see Darren Hayes in concert, to see my bestfriend and to see the boy that I'm quite desperately in love with (who, by the way, is also very homosexual =() and also to celebrate my mother's 50th birthday.
After that I'm considering hanging out in South Australia for a week. Maybe.
I just felt the need to thank Jesus for the amazing day, the amazing week and the amazing people in my life. =)
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
It Takes Two Babeh
So, I went to It Takes Two last night to see Guy Sebastian ... and it was a lot of fun, as I thought it would be. My friend, Jen gave me a ticket and we went with two other friends who I haven't seen since late April.
I haven't ever been to a studio taping before so it was all really interesting. I wasn't that excited til I got there. Jen and I got two front row seats on the balcony which was so cool cause we could see the stage so well. We were puppeteered a lot, told when to clap, when not to clap, to clap in front of our faces, and not down low, all that kind of stuff. I saw another one of my friends there too waving over at me multiple times through the show which was kinda funny and nice.
The show, if noone knows, is about established singers duetting with celebrities who aren't singers and they are supposed to teach them to sing. Each week one couple gets voted off. Guy was paired with an Olympic swimmer, Sarah Ryan. She seems really lovely and looks to me a lot like Uma Thurman. I think secretly she loves Guy in a giggly school girl kinda way too. She gave him googly eyes a lot during the night. There are other singers that I really like who were there too, including this absolutely stunning R&B singer, Jade Macrae. I would go as far as to say she's the most beautiful looking girl I've ever seen. I hear that she's really lovely too. She was wearing a very Tina Turner dress, with huge afro hair and I couldn't get over how gorgeous she looked.
So Sarah and Guy sang "from this moment" which was my brother's wedding song. I feel sorry for Sarah. Everyone bags her singing out, but she's the only one besides maybe one or two other contestants who have actually never had any singing training what-so-ever, so everyone kind of picks on her and how bad she is -- but considering she's had no training as a singer at all, she's doing really really well. I could never perform as well as she did. Guy is such a sweetiepie. He's definitely the type of Guy you'd want to bring home to meet your Mum after church on a Sunday morning (he'd come to church too, because he's a devout Christian) ... He was really supportive toward her the whole night -- she was obviously peaking it. He was all, holding her hand, patting her shoulder, putting his cute little arms around her -- I like those kind of boys.
Anyway, here's a short video of their performance -- you can hear the nerves in her voice -- but gosh... as soon as he grabbed her hand. I secretly wished that it was me. =[ and that it was me that was being serenaded. I don't blame her notes for being off -- I wouldn't have been able to even open my mouth after having a voice like his belt out after my crap.
I haven't ever been to a studio taping before so it was all really interesting. I wasn't that excited til I got there. Jen and I got two front row seats on the balcony which was so cool cause we could see the stage so well. We were puppeteered a lot, told when to clap, when not to clap, to clap in front of our faces, and not down low, all that kind of stuff. I saw another one of my friends there too waving over at me multiple times through the show which was kinda funny and nice.
The show, if noone knows, is about established singers duetting with celebrities who aren't singers and they are supposed to teach them to sing. Each week one couple gets voted off. Guy was paired with an Olympic swimmer, Sarah Ryan. She seems really lovely and looks to me a lot like Uma Thurman. I think secretly she loves Guy in a giggly school girl kinda way too. She gave him googly eyes a lot during the night. There are other singers that I really like who were there too, including this absolutely stunning R&B singer, Jade Macrae. I would go as far as to say she's the most beautiful looking girl I've ever seen. I hear that she's really lovely too. She was wearing a very Tina Turner dress, with huge afro hair and I couldn't get over how gorgeous she looked.
So Sarah and Guy sang "from this moment" which was my brother's wedding song. I feel sorry for Sarah. Everyone bags her singing out, but she's the only one besides maybe one or two other contestants who have actually never had any singing training what-so-ever, so everyone kind of picks on her and how bad she is -- but considering she's had no training as a singer at all, she's doing really really well. I could never perform as well as she did. Guy is such a sweetiepie. He's definitely the type of Guy you'd want to bring home to meet your Mum after church on a Sunday morning (he'd come to church too, because he's a devout Christian) ... He was really supportive toward her the whole night -- she was obviously peaking it. He was all, holding her hand, patting her shoulder, putting his cute little arms around her -- I like those kind of boys.
Anyway, here's a short video of their performance -- you can hear the nerves in her voice -- but gosh... as soon as he grabbed her hand. I secretly wished that it was me. =[ and that it was me that was being serenaded. I don't blame her notes for being off -- I wouldn't have been able to even open my mouth after having a voice like his belt out after my crap.
If he was singing to me like that, by the end of the song we'd be married, with children -- living on a farm with lots of acrage and about 30 baby animals. I love boys that can sing. Nice, affectionate boys who can sing. I definitely walked away with a renewed huge, fat crush on Guy Sebastian.
He came out after the show but a lot of people jumped him so we kind of just waited back and didn't try to push our way to talk to him. I couldn't be bothered with that crap. I'd prefer to wait when he's in the mood and has the time to hang out and about and chat.
I luff him.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
So, this should be fun....
I got tickets for "It Takes Two" and I'm going to tomorrow night's episode. It should be pretty fun! I get to see Guy Sebastian live again, and another two singers (Jade Macrae & Paulini) that I really like.
I'm on a diet. Yesterday I went searching for clothes to wear. Clearly I need something flattering to wear out ... and yet, I have nothing. So I tried on some clothes yesterday and no joke, my hips looked 12 meters wide and it made me really, really sad. I almost cried. I decided I need to lose weight. A fair bit of it. I want to lose ten kgs at least. This morning I went and bought healthy groceries so I can stick to my diet lol.
And so I still have nothing to wear tomorrow.
I guess I'll be rifling through my closet looking for something flattering. :( I also think that I'm suffering from the worst PMS in history.
I might try to take some photos tomorrow and share them on monday when I get home.
http://www.justonelung.com/mj/ -- check out how hilarious I am.
Anyhoozle, I'll keep you all posted as to how it all goes down!
xoxox
Jess
I'm on a diet. Yesterday I went searching for clothes to wear. Clearly I need something flattering to wear out ... and yet, I have nothing. So I tried on some clothes yesterday and no joke, my hips looked 12 meters wide and it made me really, really sad. I almost cried. I decided I need to lose weight. A fair bit of it. I want to lose ten kgs at least. This morning I went and bought healthy groceries so I can stick to my diet lol.
And so I still have nothing to wear tomorrow.
I guess I'll be rifling through my closet looking for something flattering. :( I also think that I'm suffering from the worst PMS in history.
I might try to take some photos tomorrow and share them on monday when I get home.
http://www.justonelung.com/mj/ -- check out how hilarious I am.
Anyhoozle, I'll keep you all posted as to how it all goes down!
xoxox
Jess
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
I'm back, I'm back, I'm back.
Well, well, well... look who came craaaawling back.
I'm such an absolute retard. I wanted to change some things on the page and I went right ahead and changed the template without actually bothering to save all my old links and stuff -- so I lost all of my awesome Catholic resource links, all my blog buddies and all of my fancy shmancy introduction stuff -- and I made myself very sad.
But anyway, I just finished redoing it all and here we are... *deep sigh* back at blogspot where I can actually post things without being restricted because wordpress is tempremental and anal retentive. Now it's late and I'm tired and I don't want to look at blogspot anymore.
I'll have you know I had grandplans of typing out my the testimony that I gave before the diocese the other day, but now that's all been shot to dirt cause I'm far too tired and I'm about to go give Sheyney a call because we haven't spoken in an entire week and I miss her soooooo much.
So here we are, back at blogspot -- never thought that would happen, did I?
God Bless!!!
I'm such an absolute retard. I wanted to change some things on the page and I went right ahead and changed the template without actually bothering to save all my old links and stuff -- so I lost all of my awesome Catholic resource links, all my blog buddies and all of my fancy shmancy introduction stuff -- and I made myself very sad.
But anyway, I just finished redoing it all and here we are... *deep sigh* back at blogspot where I can actually post things without being restricted because wordpress is tempremental and anal retentive. Now it's late and I'm tired and I don't want to look at blogspot anymore.
I'll have you know I had grandplans of typing out my the testimony that I gave before the diocese the other day, but now that's all been shot to dirt cause I'm far too tired and I'm about to go give Sheyney a call because we haven't spoken in an entire week and I miss her soooooo much.
So here we are, back at blogspot -- never thought that would happen, did I?
God Bless!!!
Saturday, March 25, 2006
I'm moving...
Yep.. I'm moving.
Please up date your links if you love me so very much. Blogger isnt for me, I dont like that I have limited privacy (id like to p/w protect particular entries and cant do that while im here)
anyhoozle...
my new link...
www.justonelung.com/blog/
Please add me to your respective blogrolls again.
Thanks muchly :D
God Bless.
Please up date your links if you love me so very much. Blogger isnt for me, I dont like that I have limited privacy (id like to p/w protect particular entries and cant do that while im here)
anyhoozle...
my new link...
www.justonelung.com/blog/
Please add me to your respective blogrolls again.
Thanks muchly :D
God Bless.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
My life as a song.
I went to see Rent (the movie / musical) with Sharidan last weekend (Did I mention that already?) and ever since I've been super duper obsessed with it. I want to marry Taye Diggs (for those of you who don't know who he is, he's been in "Go", "Ally McBeal" and "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" ...) and I want to live my life as a camp musical.
I made an announcement just the other day that I was going to live the rest of my life in song. By this, I meant I was going to sing any word that left my mouth for the rest of my life. Quite a commitment right? Partly, I wanted to see how many people I could successfully weird-out and / or annoy the crap out of -- starting right here at my home.
I had a count down and everything. My life officially began in song at midnight on the 18th of March. I reminded my mother at every opportunity I had that our lives were about to change. She'd laugh, thinking I was joking. Oh, well! Wasn't there a nice surprise for her when she woke me up yesterday morning?
I made the quick discovery after 9:30am that nobody quite appreciates a musical the way that I do. In fact, nobody quiet appreciates my random song voice or my unfaltering falsetto. Well, the dogs showed appreciation and they began singing along with me in their howling voices. We harmonised. It was brilliant. I felt understood.
Sharidan called me at around 8pm last night to see if I was serious. I answered the phone singing to her. I continued our conversation in song until she said, "Oh f*ck.... I can't handle this shit... I'll talk to you online." And then she hung up on me and I died a little inside.
By midnight I realised that nobody appreciated my new lifestyle. So.... I stopped just over twenty four hours later.
It's okay because starting midnight tonight, I will be narrating my own life out loud. That will be my new thing.
Eg. "As I walked down the street with my dogs leash in one hand and the other arm swinging by my side, I couldn't help but feel that something wasn't quite right with this situation. My strides were longer than usual, my feet stepped quicker than every other walk that I took and I realised I was anxious about something..."
... That type of thing.
xx
Jess
I made an announcement just the other day that I was going to live the rest of my life in song. By this, I meant I was going to sing any word that left my mouth for the rest of my life. Quite a commitment right? Partly, I wanted to see how many people I could successfully weird-out and / or annoy the crap out of -- starting right here at my home.
I had a count down and everything. My life officially began in song at midnight on the 18th of March. I reminded my mother at every opportunity I had that our lives were about to change. She'd laugh, thinking I was joking. Oh, well! Wasn't there a nice surprise for her when she woke me up yesterday morning?
I made the quick discovery after 9:30am that nobody quite appreciates a musical the way that I do. In fact, nobody quiet appreciates my random song voice or my unfaltering falsetto. Well, the dogs showed appreciation and they began singing along with me in their howling voices. We harmonised. It was brilliant. I felt understood.
Sharidan called me at around 8pm last night to see if I was serious. I answered the phone singing to her. I continued our conversation in song until she said, "Oh f*ck.... I can't handle this shit... I'll talk to you online." And then she hung up on me and I died a little inside.
By midnight I realised that nobody appreciated my new lifestyle. So.... I stopped just over twenty four hours later.
It's okay because starting midnight tonight, I will be narrating my own life out loud. That will be my new thing.
Eg. "As I walked down the street with my dogs leash in one hand and the other arm swinging by my side, I couldn't help but feel that something wasn't quite right with this situation. My strides were longer than usual, my feet stepped quicker than every other walk that I took and I realised I was anxious about something..."
... That type of thing.
xx
Jess
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Flying....
My journal here feels a bit dead, but I suppose that's cause I don't have anything that interesting to report.
I had a fab weekend. I went to Sharidan's and we played PlayStation 2, ATP tennis albeit badly while having a Mariah Carey / Celine Dion scream-a-long at early hours of the morning while cursing each other out for our bad tennis abilities. It was hilarious -- guess you had to be there.
She showered me with gifts from her trip to Thailand, it was so lovely. She got me a stack of games for my playstation including the dance mat hahaha. I can't wait to get a dance game to go with it. It'll be my daily work out since I'm losing weight and I'm very happy about it. We also did some shopping and it was so much fun. We walked for ages and I'm not a good walker, I don't have a lot of endurance, but I'm proud of myself, we probably walked a couple of kms which I never freely do and I bought new shoes. They are beautiful, really. A pair of green heels .. three and a half inches worth! Yay, I'll exceed five feet.
I'm studying the book of James and I love it. There's so much in there to work with. I've been arguing with people for so long about deeds and faith and how deeds don't matter to God, and basically according to James, Faith without deeds is absolutely useless. I find that I digest things so much better when I write notes as I read. So, my little bible is filled with scrawled notes on the pages--- oops. That's okay, it's only tiny and I bring it everywhere with me.
So I have new beautiful make up thanks to Sharidan and a set of beautiful brushes and spent an hour beautifying myself just to go to the store hahaha. We're so consumer driven sometimes that it's not funny. Then on the flipside, we walked down a mainstreet at 8pm in our respective pajama pants without fear and got gawked at by trendy people who were eating in the Thai restaurant that we went to order from, but as I explained it to Sharidan, "We have make up on and our hair is nice and so our pajama pants just make us look cute. If we trundled in there with bed hair and no make up looking ugly, it'd be completely different." ... And that seemed to console us.
Also, a certain Mr. emailed me a lovely email last night asking me out today. Unfortunately I was already home when I received it so I had to decline, but we're definitely going to meet up next weekend or the weekend after. I'm a little bit excited but also a lot scared. It's not like I'm looking for a boyfriend or have any expectations other than to make a new friend, but if said Mr. likes me as it seems he does, I wouldn't be so quick to turn him away as I have been in other times with boys that have shown interest. And I really want to go to a city cathedral for a mass service over the next few weeks and I want to take some photos of churches. I've fallen in love with Cathedrals. I'm not entirely sure, is it wrong to take photos inside churches or outside? I'm not sure ...
It should be interesting how things go anyway. I think things are really truly changing for me at the moment. I have a plan. I know what I want to be doing... I know God loves me and I'm taking great solace in that whenever I am feeling a bit insecure. If I go see Mr. and he finds something wrong with me for any reason, then that's his problem not mine. God made me as He wanted me to be and I'm completely okay with that.
This new state of mind I have is amazing. I'm so happy with life right now and there's just one or two little things that I need to throw myself in to and I'll be fine. :) I'm going to go and take a shower now and wash my hair and cleanse my skin.
God Bless, people. :)
I had a fab weekend. I went to Sharidan's and we played PlayStation 2, ATP tennis albeit badly while having a Mariah Carey / Celine Dion scream-a-long at early hours of the morning while cursing each other out for our bad tennis abilities. It was hilarious -- guess you had to be there.
She showered me with gifts from her trip to Thailand, it was so lovely. She got me a stack of games for my playstation including the dance mat hahaha. I can't wait to get a dance game to go with it. It'll be my daily work out since I'm losing weight and I'm very happy about it. We also did some shopping and it was so much fun. We walked for ages and I'm not a good walker, I don't have a lot of endurance, but I'm proud of myself, we probably walked a couple of kms which I never freely do and I bought new shoes. They are beautiful, really. A pair of green heels .. three and a half inches worth! Yay, I'll exceed five feet.
I'm studying the book of James and I love it. There's so much in there to work with. I've been arguing with people for so long about deeds and faith and how deeds don't matter to God, and basically according to James, Faith without deeds is absolutely useless. I find that I digest things so much better when I write notes as I read. So, my little bible is filled with scrawled notes on the pages--- oops. That's okay, it's only tiny and I bring it everywhere with me.
So I have new beautiful make up thanks to Sharidan and a set of beautiful brushes and spent an hour beautifying myself just to go to the store hahaha. We're so consumer driven sometimes that it's not funny. Then on the flipside, we walked down a mainstreet at 8pm in our respective pajama pants without fear and got gawked at by trendy people who were eating in the Thai restaurant that we went to order from, but as I explained it to Sharidan, "We have make up on and our hair is nice and so our pajama pants just make us look cute. If we trundled in there with bed hair and no make up looking ugly, it'd be completely different." ... And that seemed to console us.
Also, a certain Mr. emailed me a lovely email last night asking me out today. Unfortunately I was already home when I received it so I had to decline, but we're definitely going to meet up next weekend or the weekend after. I'm a little bit excited but also a lot scared. It's not like I'm looking for a boyfriend or have any expectations other than to make a new friend, but if said Mr. likes me as it seems he does, I wouldn't be so quick to turn him away as I have been in other times with boys that have shown interest. And I really want to go to a city cathedral for a mass service over the next few weeks and I want to take some photos of churches. I've fallen in love with Cathedrals. I'm not entirely sure, is it wrong to take photos inside churches or outside? I'm not sure ...
It should be interesting how things go anyway. I think things are really truly changing for me at the moment. I have a plan. I know what I want to be doing... I know God loves me and I'm taking great solace in that whenever I am feeling a bit insecure. If I go see Mr. and he finds something wrong with me for any reason, then that's his problem not mine. God made me as He wanted me to be and I'm completely okay with that.
This new state of mind I have is amazing. I'm so happy with life right now and there's just one or two little things that I need to throw myself in to and I'll be fine. :) I'm going to go and take a shower now and wash my hair and cleanse my skin.
God Bless, people. :)
Monday, March 06, 2006
Rite Of Election 2006
Yep. I went to the Rite Of Election thing yesterday at this beautiful Cathedral. It was an exciting but long day. Long because we had to travel over an hour to get there, and it was really hot. The actual service was really beautiful. I met the Bishop and that was cool too! And on saturday night I went to the Rite Of Sending at my own parish. It was a bit nerve-racking cause I had to stand on the alter before the whole congregation and I hate any kind of attention. I was holding on to a piece of paper, and saw how badly it was shaking and had to get a hold of it with two, so it wasn't so obvious. lol.
I had a lot of people coming up and congratulating me and they were mere strangers. It means a lot to me that people that I don't even know care so much about me being accepted in to the Catholic church. It makes me feel really happy.
The person who offered to be my sponser is a really nice guy too. Strangely enough he reminds me of one of my primary school teachers haha. The organiser of my RCIA meetings is a really nice old lady. We spent almost two hours on the phone chatting the other night, which was great because before hand I had this really strong feeling that she didn't like me -- but I heard through another member of my RCIA meetings that she mentioned that she really likes me and feels very comfortable with me and that we have a lot in common.
Aww bless. I love old people :D
Anyway, nothing really too imporant to report, nothing that interesting to talk about. Need to quit being lazy this week and do some important stuff. The past few days I've been feeling a bit out of sorts, health wise. I've been really quite dizzy and lethargic and really unnaturally exhausted. Yucky. Speaking of yucky, for those of you that might know who I'm speaking about -- I'm dealing with the return of Percival. Ol'e Percy is flarring with full force and he's really upsetting me and won't leave me alone. I don't want to have to murder him again!!
Shower and bed now. Ciao.
I had a lot of people coming up and congratulating me and they were mere strangers. It means a lot to me that people that I don't even know care so much about me being accepted in to the Catholic church. It makes me feel really happy.
The person who offered to be my sponser is a really nice guy too. Strangely enough he reminds me of one of my primary school teachers haha. The organiser of my RCIA meetings is a really nice old lady. We spent almost two hours on the phone chatting the other night, which was great because before hand I had this really strong feeling that she didn't like me -- but I heard through another member of my RCIA meetings that she mentioned that she really likes me and feels very comfortable with me and that we have a lot in common.
Aww bless. I love old people :D
Anyway, nothing really too imporant to report, nothing that interesting to talk about. Need to quit being lazy this week and do some important stuff. The past few days I've been feeling a bit out of sorts, health wise. I've been really quite dizzy and lethargic and really unnaturally exhausted. Yucky. Speaking of yucky, for those of you that might know who I'm speaking about -- I'm dealing with the return of Percival. Ol'e Percy is flarring with full force and he's really upsetting me and won't leave me alone. I don't want to have to murder him again!!
Shower and bed now. Ciao.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Personal morals & every day things...
There's some things that I'm doing to try to improve my life at the moment and they're making me feel really good. Some of them are really challenging, and takes a lot of hard work, but at the end of the day I know I'm a better person for them. And so these are some of the things I'm doing, but was wondering if anyone else has some kind of basic personal laws that they try to live by every day. For me, every day I wake up every morning and ask God to give me the strength to fullfil the day as He would will it and to give me the strength throughout whatever situations that may occur to remain righteous.
My list is...
1. When someone is annoying or seemingly unintelligent, stupid without good cause to not make fun, not belittle but rather be patient and kind.
This one is so hard because I find it so hard to deal with stupid people (I know that's mean, but I have such little patience for people who aren't bright), especially when they just don't get things. But sometimes it's not their fault and it doesn't help when people belittle you for it. And its also hard because I used to throw insults for fun.
2. Before laughing cruelly at someone else for their misfortune, take stock of own misfortune.
Another hard one, especially when it involves someone that I've felt / feel disdain for. However, I just think about how crap things have been for me and how gutted I would feel if I found out people were laughing at me and just waiting to see something bad happen to me, because ultimately I think I'm a good person in most respects. (But doesn't everyone think that about themselves???)
3. When someone doesn't share the same opinion or doesn't understand the logic and sensibility in something, be patient and kind.
Ew this is the one I hate because I can't stand it when people don't see things my way, because essentially my opinion is the only one that counts and the only one I care about hearing. But, it's really good to sometimes just sit back, swallow pride and try to hear something from another perspective and maybe gain an insight as to where other people's minds are at. And again, think of how I would like someone heckling or belittling me because I don't share the same sentiments on a subject.
4. Don't curse anyone else out, or swear for the sake of swearing.
Probably easily the most difficult daily rule for me because I previously swore like a sailor. Each time I go to swear (consciously) think to myself, "Is this word really necessary? Is there another word you can replace it with?" ... It doesn't always have the same effect, unfortunately, but at the end of the day I think about when I go out and I see a bunch of sweet looking girls around my age swearing and letting them fly, I realise how cheap and tacky it sounds - and I'm not cheap nor am I tacky.
5. Think before speaking.
This is a pretty good one because there's been so many times where I've opened my mouth and sprouted off things without thinking of the impact it could have on another person, or how it would make me sound. If I think before reacting but rather acting on impulse, I know I've conducted myself with perfect decorum and dignity.
6. Give forgiveness.
There's been a lot of people over the past year that have really ruined things for me and drove me in to depression for awhile. I held so much animosity toward these people for so long, but a couple of months ago I was just able to "let go" and feel indifference to it all instead of anger and hurt and I realised that harbouring animosity takes so much energy and its more cutting to not give that person thought at all. However, just months later some of those people came to me and apologized for everything that they caused me, admitting to some things I wasn't sure they ever did -- and it felt so much better to say, "You're forgiven. Don't worry about it, let's move on." This is not to say that I'm inviting them back in my life, or letting anyone walk all over me, but these people are not even worthy of ANY of my energy whether it be negative OR positive.
7. Always listen.
When someone needs advice, needs to vent, needs to cry. Be selfless enough to put your own crap aside for 10 minutes to hear someone out. Every person has his own set of problems and to each person his or her set of problems are as important as your own and are as worthy of your attention as your own. In order to be helped, you have to be willing to help others.
8. Do one good deed per day.
Be it a prayer for a stranger, a donation to charity, a favour, offer help, cheer someone up, make lunch for someone, buy someone something. Anything that will serve someone else for the greater good and bring them happiness.
I end my day with The Divine Mercy Chaplet, a short prayer of thanks and a passage from The Bible.
Of course there's always some slip ups and you can't just always be passive, but anger for a reasonable cause is better than being angry for no cause at all.
Eternal Father, I offer you the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of Your Dearly Beloved Son, Our Lord, Jesus Christ, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world.
For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
God Bless, Jess :)
My list is...
1. When someone is annoying or seemingly unintelligent, stupid without good cause to not make fun, not belittle but rather be patient and kind.
This one is so hard because I find it so hard to deal with stupid people (I know that's mean, but I have such little patience for people who aren't bright), especially when they just don't get things. But sometimes it's not their fault and it doesn't help when people belittle you for it. And its also hard because I used to throw insults for fun.
2. Before laughing cruelly at someone else for their misfortune, take stock of own misfortune.
Another hard one, especially when it involves someone that I've felt / feel disdain for. However, I just think about how crap things have been for me and how gutted I would feel if I found out people were laughing at me and just waiting to see something bad happen to me, because ultimately I think I'm a good person in most respects. (But doesn't everyone think that about themselves???)
3. When someone doesn't share the same opinion or doesn't understand the logic and sensibility in something, be patient and kind.
Ew this is the one I hate because I can't stand it when people don't see things my way, because essentially my opinion is the only one that counts and the only one I care about hearing. But, it's really good to sometimes just sit back, swallow pride and try to hear something from another perspective and maybe gain an insight as to where other people's minds are at. And again, think of how I would like someone heckling or belittling me because I don't share the same sentiments on a subject.
4. Don't curse anyone else out, or swear for the sake of swearing.
Probably easily the most difficult daily rule for me because I previously swore like a sailor. Each time I go to swear (consciously) think to myself, "Is this word really necessary? Is there another word you can replace it with?" ... It doesn't always have the same effect, unfortunately, but at the end of the day I think about when I go out and I see a bunch of sweet looking girls around my age swearing and letting them fly, I realise how cheap and tacky it sounds - and I'm not cheap nor am I tacky.
5. Think before speaking.
This is a pretty good one because there's been so many times where I've opened my mouth and sprouted off things without thinking of the impact it could have on another person, or how it would make me sound. If I think before reacting but rather acting on impulse, I know I've conducted myself with perfect decorum and dignity.
6. Give forgiveness.
There's been a lot of people over the past year that have really ruined things for me and drove me in to depression for awhile. I held so much animosity toward these people for so long, but a couple of months ago I was just able to "let go" and feel indifference to it all instead of anger and hurt and I realised that harbouring animosity takes so much energy and its more cutting to not give that person thought at all. However, just months later some of those people came to me and apologized for everything that they caused me, admitting to some things I wasn't sure they ever did -- and it felt so much better to say, "You're forgiven. Don't worry about it, let's move on." This is not to say that I'm inviting them back in my life, or letting anyone walk all over me, but these people are not even worthy of ANY of my energy whether it be negative OR positive.
7. Always listen.
When someone needs advice, needs to vent, needs to cry. Be selfless enough to put your own crap aside for 10 minutes to hear someone out. Every person has his own set of problems and to each person his or her set of problems are as important as your own and are as worthy of your attention as your own. In order to be helped, you have to be willing to help others.
8. Do one good deed per day.
Be it a prayer for a stranger, a donation to charity, a favour, offer help, cheer someone up, make lunch for someone, buy someone something. Anything that will serve someone else for the greater good and bring them happiness.
I end my day with The Divine Mercy Chaplet, a short prayer of thanks and a passage from The Bible.
Of course there's always some slip ups and you can't just always be passive, but anger for a reasonable cause is better than being angry for no cause at all.
Eternal Father, I offer you the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of Your Dearly Beloved Son, Our Lord, Jesus Christ, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world.For the sake of His sorrowful passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.
God Bless, Jess :)
Friday, March 03, 2006
My pillow never dries.
I'm a huge fan of all kinds of music. All kinds. It annoys me when fangirls are absolutely biased to one particular artist. Granted we all have our favourites, but don't get mad when someone doesn't agree that your particular favourite artist posseses every last drop of talent exceeding that of any other artist. Don't get mad when someone suggests that a certain song by particular artist isn't that great. Everyone has different tastes, different ideas, different ways of taking in music.
Unless of course we're talking about Michael Jackson, then you are an idiot if you don't see that every single MJ song is the greatest, and if you don't like him clearly you're a twit. And if you don't see that the entire world is out to get him then you are plain ignorant. A plainly ignorant, idiotic twit.
.... Oh yeah, in case you couldn't tell. I'm being sarcastic. Fan girls make me mad.
Psalm 67
May God be merciful and bless us.
May his face shine with favour upon us.
God bless, dumplings.
Unless of course we're talking about Michael Jackson, then you are an idiot if you don't see that every single MJ song is the greatest, and if you don't like him clearly you're a twit. And if you don't see that the entire world is out to get him then you are plain ignorant. A plainly ignorant, idiotic twit.
.... Oh yeah, in case you couldn't tell. I'm being sarcastic. Fan girls make me mad.
Psalm 67
May God be merciful and bless us.
May his face shine with favour upon us.
God bless, dumplings.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Baby you're my kryptonite
Hello.
I went to the RCIA meeting tonight and a beautiful Ash Wednesday Mass. I talked with the priest. You are looking at someone who will be a confirmed Catholic by Easter. I came home and called my friend, as I was so happy and wanted someone else to do backflips with me. I have very limited people to invite to my confirmation, I won't even bother including my parents. Most of my friends are non believers. That leaves two people. That's fine.
On saturday I go to the Mass to sign in my name. And on Sunday for something else but I don't remember what that was about. My mind was spinning by then. And I hope to God that the day I'll be confirmed will NOT be the day of my brother's wedding, or three days before or after or else... I'll be really sad lol. My two friends are delighted to come along and before I even had the chance to ask one, he jumped in and told me that he wanted to be there. It made me so happy.
And dude, I don't do sappy heart-to-hearts with anyone, but I did with my friend today. And I'm so happy about that. I'm so proud of myself for saying what I needed to say without suffering verbal diahorrea. Now........to work on that confession. Eeep. I talked more to people in my meeting and I like two people in particular! :D
I also spoke to a disability liason officer today in regards to study. Good stuff. Praise God. :)
x
Jess
I went to the RCIA meeting tonight and a beautiful Ash Wednesday Mass. I talked with the priest. You are looking at someone who will be a confirmed Catholic by Easter. I came home and called my friend, as I was so happy and wanted someone else to do backflips with me. I have very limited people to invite to my confirmation, I won't even bother including my parents. Most of my friends are non believers. That leaves two people. That's fine.
On saturday I go to the Mass to sign in my name. And on Sunday for something else but I don't remember what that was about. My mind was spinning by then. And I hope to God that the day I'll be confirmed will NOT be the day of my brother's wedding, or three days before or after or else... I'll be really sad lol. My two friends are delighted to come along and before I even had the chance to ask one, he jumped in and told me that he wanted to be there. It made me so happy.
And dude, I don't do sappy heart-to-hearts with anyone, but I did with my friend today. And I'm so happy about that. I'm so proud of myself for saying what I needed to say without suffering verbal diahorrea. Now........to work on that confession. Eeep. I talked more to people in my meeting and I like two people in particular! :D
I also spoke to a disability liason officer today in regards to study. Good stuff. Praise God. :)
x
Jess
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Doesnt matter what you did....
I was doing some reading (praise God for my internet cable now avaliable in the privacy of my own room.) and I came across this;
"We think ourselves so modern and enlightened when we read of lepers walking through crowds, crying out “Unclean, unclean!” so that others could avoid touching them and thus protect themselves from ritual impurity. We tell ourselves we would do no such thing, but we do the same thing! When a person in our society becomes sad, or depressed, or out of sorts—our modern form of social leprosy—they cry out, “I want to be alone, I want to be alone.” In truth, they want company, but they tell people to go away to avoid rejection and to make it easier to restore relationships when they are feeling chipper again. We laugh when we remember the days when people dressed to the nines for church and stayed home when their attire wasn’t fancy enough, but we stupidly do the same thing with our emotions. We stay away when our emotions aren’t presentable." ... ( Read More )
It really spoke to me and put a few things in to perspective. It's quite a nice little write up. :) Today my friend emailed me and this is a person who's so special in my life. He's someone I initially had a crush on, but realized there's nothing at all romantic about him and he's turned in to a fantastic close friend. He told me about how things were prospering well in his life and asked how I was. I told him that I was so/so, trying to keep above the water... But that I was okay. He emailed back concerned, and I just felt so much strength from it. I'm a little gobsmacked by the response but didn't expect anything less. It made me feel a lot more resilient than I give myself credit for.
Jess, my baby, I'm not going to sit here and say to you "everything is going to be okay", at the end of the day - they are just a few words, and the outcome of life is what we make it..... Jess, im not saying this to you just coz your here, or just coz you need to hear a nice word, but the honest truth, from my heart and soul - I'll tell you what you mean to me, you are one of my truest friends who I know will be there for me in the good times and during the bad, you are without a doubt one of the most amazing people I have ever met - you know why I respected you so much when i met you Jess? Its coz you just believed in yourself, you didn't sit there saying to people "Look at me, Im disabled... pity me"... its easy to pity someone, and its easier to be pitied, but you never wanted that - you always said "I am what I am, and I'm gonna work with it" and you always held your head up high, you inspired me in a way to just accept who I was...
Your like one of those people whos on Ripleys Believe it or Not who everyone feels sorry for, but at the same time looks at with such admiration, just because of how strong you are. I believe your stronger than you yourself know Jess, you've made it this far and your still standing despite all the obstacles, any lesser person would have fallen down a long long time ago..... Thats why I love you Jess, your an amazing inspirational person, and I honestly mean that!!
God worked another miracle in my life today. He made me see with clarity that I'm worth something to the people in my life despite how oblivious I may be to that. Praise Him. And Praise God for giving me such a sweet, beautiful friend. This boy is so lovely. If only there were more boys like him.
I'm going to Mass in 2hrs. And so Lent begins...
God Bless You All!
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Shootin' stars breaks the mould.
I find that people are generally unhelpful and rude and don't give a toss about what a difference you could be making in their lives or even just to their day. Hopefully we aren't all guilty of this. Let's just take a moment the next time someone asks us something that we may have to get off our butt or lift a finger for a few minutes and consider how much of a help it would be to them.
I shouldn't eat when I'm a really bad mood. If I sprout another butt cheek I won't be surprised. Weirded out, but not surprised.
I'm going to read a bit of the book of James under a friend's direction. That's all I had to say. Ciao.
I shouldn't eat when I'm a really bad mood. If I sprout another butt cheek I won't be surprised. Weirded out, but not surprised.
I'm going to read a bit of the book of James under a friend's direction. That's all I had to say. Ciao.
When something is wrong...
Ok, so I think today I'm over the Jackie Wilson thing.... until tomorrow.
Things are looking a bit better. Sharidan is really helping me out motivation-wise and I've been praying a lot about my situations. I've been thinking a lot about what's important to me in my life and have reevaluated a lot of things... and I'm interested in applying to this course; Bachelor Of Arts - Teaching at The Australian Catholic University or this; Bachlor Of Arts at Monash Uni.
I'm really confused about the application process though, but I have some friends who will be willing to help me :) I just kick myself that I didnt sort this out 5 yrs ago, like I should have.
Can everyone pray for me that I hear something back about this job I applied to? Be it good or bad? Thanks.
Today I watched Walk To Remember with Mandy Moore (who I think is just ridiculously stunning). And I cried. and cried. and cried. Did I mention I watched it yesterday as well? It's the most beautiful love story (have to admit that I loved the book-- the movie was a bit cheesy) ... I couldn't imagine having someone love me as much as Landon loved Jamie. :( Such a beautiful story.
I spent $8 on a book by Jodi Picoult today. It's her newest one called-- Oh blast it, I don't remember, but her newest one anyway. "My Sister's Keeper" was my favourite book last yr until I read "Me & Emma" ... Anyway, I don't plan to spend any more than $8 this week.
Lent starts on wednesday. I'm going to Mass on wednesday night and then to the RCIA meeting. :) I liked my meeting last week. Oh! Sharidan and I are enrolling in a short course to learn make-up application (we probably won't learn anything new, haha we'd be able to teach them a thing or two... I bet they don't know that if you dampen your applicator and apply MAC pigments they appear to be shiny and stay on longer and don't crease in your eye folds! Ha! I'm all kinds of smart.) And at the end of next month I'm going to do a creative writing / childrens stories workshop.
Lots of stuff to do tomorrow, and it's 1:am. This is exceptionally early for me to go to bed, but I need to do that, cause part of my problem is staying up all night, and sleeping all day and feeling like a slug.
Good news, I've been cyphening my mums ADSL connection lately which means I have to use the internet out in the family room cause the cord isnt very long. But we got a 35m one today, which means I can go back to my room and have the privacy like I had before to look at whatever I want (it sounds like I look up porn or something, right? But no, I can't look up Catholic-y stuff, or sit for hours reading cause it's met with scorn or the loud blarring TV. My biggest hate in life is the sound of the TV. I hate TV!!!!!! It makes me angry!) and play whatever music I want without hearing how crap my speakers sound, or how crap my music is. (Coming from my step father who calls Metallica music.)
I wish there was a way I could lock posts so only certain people could read it, huh? Anyway, going back to my room now to tidy up real nice and go to sleep.
Please keep me in your prayers.
xx
God Bless.
Things are looking a bit better. Sharidan is really helping me out motivation-wise and I've been praying a lot about my situations. I've been thinking a lot about what's important to me in my life and have reevaluated a lot of things... and I'm interested in applying to this course; Bachelor Of Arts - Teaching at The Australian Catholic University or this; Bachlor Of Arts at Monash Uni.
I'm really confused about the application process though, but I have some friends who will be willing to help me :) I just kick myself that I didnt sort this out 5 yrs ago, like I should have.
Can everyone pray for me that I hear something back about this job I applied to? Be it good or bad? Thanks.
Today I watched Walk To Remember with Mandy Moore (who I think is just ridiculously stunning). And I cried. and cried. and cried. Did I mention I watched it yesterday as well? It's the most beautiful love story (have to admit that I loved the book-- the movie was a bit cheesy) ... I couldn't imagine having someone love me as much as Landon loved Jamie. :( Such a beautiful story.
I spent $8 on a book by Jodi Picoult today. It's her newest one called-- Oh blast it, I don't remember, but her newest one anyway. "My Sister's Keeper" was my favourite book last yr until I read "Me & Emma" ... Anyway, I don't plan to spend any more than $8 this week.
Lent starts on wednesday. I'm going to Mass on wednesday night and then to the RCIA meeting. :) I liked my meeting last week. Oh! Sharidan and I are enrolling in a short course to learn make-up application (we probably won't learn anything new, haha we'd be able to teach them a thing or two... I bet they don't know that if you dampen your applicator and apply MAC pigments they appear to be shiny and stay on longer and don't crease in your eye folds! Ha! I'm all kinds of smart.) And at the end of next month I'm going to do a creative writing / childrens stories workshop.
Lots of stuff to do tomorrow, and it's 1:am. This is exceptionally early for me to go to bed, but I need to do that, cause part of my problem is staying up all night, and sleeping all day and feeling like a slug.
Good news, I've been cyphening my mums ADSL connection lately which means I have to use the internet out in the family room cause the cord isnt very long. But we got a 35m one today, which means I can go back to my room and have the privacy like I had before to look at whatever I want (it sounds like I look up porn or something, right? But no, I can't look up Catholic-y stuff, or sit for hours reading cause it's met with scorn or the loud blarring TV. My biggest hate in life is the sound of the TV. I hate TV!!!!!! It makes me angry!) and play whatever music I want without hearing how crap my speakers sound, or how crap my music is. (Coming from my step father who calls Metallica music.)
I wish there was a way I could lock posts so only certain people could read it, huh? Anyway, going back to my room now to tidy up real nice and go to sleep.
Please keep me in your prayers.
xx
God Bless.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Broad tastes
I hate that "yo mo fo" (your 'Eminem' and your '50cent' crap) kinda music, and I feel offended when I turn on the TV and they are rapping about pimpin' bitches and how the world is gonna be damn sorry when they commit suicide -- or alternatively, get shot. At one time I was under this massive misapprehension that 2pac and I were homies, but that lasted about fifteen minutes, thankfully -- but dammit, at least some of his raps had a bit of depth to them.
And, may I ask? Does anyone sing about anything these days besides having sex? Here I am contented at my desk, blarring good ol'e Jackie Wilson who songs are about as risque as a tree stump. He sings about being in love, and dancing, and songs with just down right made-up words in it. And it's fun, and his voice is absolutely raw and beautiful and isn't hindered or drowned-out by synthesisers and other crap. It might be good to agree that Mr. Wilson is my musical obsession for the week. Last week it was Stevie Wonder. Who will be next week?
I couldn't get to church today, which I'm a little bit disappointed about. My Mum went away thus, taking the car. I discovered the other day that I could still take my car on short drives, but then realized that my drivers licence has expired and costs over $100 to renew. Ass. I wasn't especially worried about it, since church is not that far, but knowing my luck, I'd get busted. And isn't it ironic that I'd be breaking the law to get to church? haha. Also, if I had any kind of car accident with an expired licence, I'd end up in a court room. No thanks. It's okay, there's Mass on Ash wednesday that I'm going to with my RCIA group. :)
Okay so it's 11am, and I'm sitting here and it's freezing and I should be doing some housework. Whenever my Mum goes away, I suddenly let my generally obsessive-compulsive cleaning habits slip by. I turn in to a slob. Maybe cause it's not often I get to relax this much. I've had music blarring since my Mum left. It's also not often I get to play music this loud. However, now that my neighbours have been made aware that I like 50s music French Music, Michael Jackson and a lot of loud and obscure soft-rock, I'm sure they want me to die by the gun. Oh well, payback for slamming doors and talking extremely loud outside of my window every night after midnight. Gotta love neighbours.
I made fantastic tuna bake for dinner last night using tuna, pasta shells, mushrooms, tomatos, garlic grinds, paprika, onion, pasta sauce, cheese, sweet chilli, mixed herbs and a little bit of pepper. I don't do recipies, I do it from scratch and do it my own way and always hope for the best. So far, I've impressed myself time and time again. And there's a lot of left overs (since I cook for a tribe) so guess what my breakfast is? I'm so homely and gross lol.
You better stop. Doggin' me around...
God Bless, guys.
And, may I ask? Does anyone sing about anything these days besides having sex? Here I am contented at my desk, blarring good ol'e Jackie Wilson who songs are about as risque as a tree stump. He sings about being in love, and dancing, and songs with just down right made-up words in it. And it's fun, and his voice is absolutely raw and beautiful and isn't hindered or drowned-out by synthesisers and other crap. It might be good to agree that Mr. Wilson is my musical obsession for the week. Last week it was Stevie Wonder. Who will be next week?
I couldn't get to church today, which I'm a little bit disappointed about. My Mum went away thus, taking the car. I discovered the other day that I could still take my car on short drives, but then realized that my drivers licence has expired and costs over $100 to renew. Ass. I wasn't especially worried about it, since church is not that far, but knowing my luck, I'd get busted. And isn't it ironic that I'd be breaking the law to get to church? haha. Also, if I had any kind of car accident with an expired licence, I'd end up in a court room. No thanks. It's okay, there's Mass on Ash wednesday that I'm going to with my RCIA group. :)
Okay so it's 11am, and I'm sitting here and it's freezing and I should be doing some housework. Whenever my Mum goes away, I suddenly let my generally obsessive-compulsive cleaning habits slip by. I turn in to a slob. Maybe cause it's not often I get to relax this much. I've had music blarring since my Mum left. It's also not often I get to play music this loud. However, now that my neighbours have been made aware that I like 50s music French Music, Michael Jackson and a lot of loud and obscure soft-rock, I'm sure they want me to die by the gun. Oh well, payback for slamming doors and talking extremely loud outside of my window every night after midnight. Gotta love neighbours.
I made fantastic tuna bake for dinner last night using tuna, pasta shells, mushrooms, tomatos, garlic grinds, paprika, onion, pasta sauce, cheese, sweet chilli, mixed herbs and a little bit of pepper. I don't do recipies, I do it from scratch and do it my own way and always hope for the best. So far, I've impressed myself time and time again. And there's a lot of left overs (since I cook for a tribe) so guess what my breakfast is? I'm so homely and gross lol.
You better stop. Doggin' me around...
God Bless, guys.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Im just a teenage nutbag, baby.
Two posts in one day, who'd have predicted it? -- Hmm, it's after midnight now, perhaps not.It's been ridiculously hot today, and I was unable to sleep because of it. The cat is being a jerk and is stirring up the dogs, and the dogs are all trying to sleep. Mr. Thomas Anderson (the cat) is just a jerk in general. I have cat claw marks all over my legs, its really the latest fashion. Maybe I'll start a photo blog dedicated to all the open wounds my cat has left all over me.
So, on this forum I visit we were having a discussion about our teenage obsessions after I rehashed a New Kids On The Block cd (and enjoyed playing it too, I might add) and a forum member posted photos of her bedroom which was basically wallpapered in NKOTB & Jordan Knight. And so I felt compelled to share my obsession. I bet you think that my walls were Michael Jackson wallpaper, right? Wrong! I took Michael Jackson down long enough to wallpaper 3T all over my walls.
If you are from Europe or the UK or AU, you'd probably remember 3T for their illustrious career and successful career of one entire album that was released in 1995. If you are from France, Holland, Belgium and Germany, you'll know that 3T released a second CD in 2003 (but only in those said countries) or if you are part of the Michael Jackson fan community, you might know, since they are related to Michael Jackson (His nephews, Tito Jackson's sons). I got really in to them! Even though they had 0 #1 hits here, they never toured here, they hardly got airplay, they didn't promote here, they didn't even really show up in magazines very often -- but I turned in to one of those massive staunch fans. As a result of 3T, I made a lot of international friends and penpals, I met a lot of psychos, I made two best friends (both of whom are still my real-life friends 8 yrs on), I became known to 3T (I really don't these kinds of things half-heartedly, now do I?) and I learned that just cause you're a Jackson doesn't mean you're all that great. Unless yer name is Michael, these days, I'm strictly not interested in you. (Yeah, that means even you Jermaine... hahaha)Anyway, this is how my room looked for a short spell;
I gave up on them around 2000. I was tired of waiting for that second cd. And when it came, I felt a bit like, hang on a second? I waited 8 years for ... this? And I couldn't even buy it in Australia, someone sent it to me from Holland! Ass! I hear they're still arsing about, trying to get their own show on MTV about how hard it is to be a Jackson in America. It's just like... is your name Michael? No. Sure I'm sure you've had some ups and downs, but the only Jackson who really ever had any problems was Michael. (Oh and Jermaine, but Jermaine's problems are mostly self-afflicted. Robbing your brother's fiance who you now have as your wife, becoming a step-father and an uncle at the same time must be ... rough.)
That's all just a bit of fun. I need to get some sleep. The weekends are so boring!
Friday, February 24, 2006
I was tagged. Guh!
For something a little less intense, Cubicle Reverend tagged me.
Seven things to do before I die:
Become a confirmed Catholic
Fall in love & get married.
Have children.
Hang out like old homies from across the way with Michael Jackson. Oh yeah. That's right.
Find some deep down ability to sing.
To travel the world.
To become successful and content with whatever I do..
Seven Things I cannot do:
Breathe normally.
Algebra.
Tell people how I feel face to face.
Tell special people how much I love them face to face.
Shove my foot through the computer to kick the asses of people who annoy me online.
Be a contestant on big brother.
Always bite my tongue or turn my cheek when someone upsets me.
Seven things that attract me to my mate:
This one is n.a
Seven things I say:
Look what you did you little JERK!
That smells/looks/tastes like absolute ASS.
Darn tootin'
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF....iretruck.
CHUT up. (Donny Darko)
Oh, no doubt! (PJ with Penny, said in really geeky voice)
Gimme a quarter (This is a newbie. It's said as I break in to spontaneous dance before my Mum to show her who's bad, who's bad, who's really, really bad. You clearly have to be there.)
Seven Movies I've loved:
Memoirs Of A Geisha
Ghosts (The MJ one, 'FREAK CIRCUS FREAK, GO BACK TO THE CIRCUS, FREAKY BOY!!!!', not the stupid Demi Moore crap.)
The Shawshank Redemption
Life Is Beautiful
Singing In The Rain
Dumb & Dumber
Elephant Man
Seven People to Tag:
Everyone I know well enough to tag, have already been tagged! :( I'm a lonely po' little blogger.
lol.
I just want you to all know that...
Blood is on the dance floor, blood is on the knife. Susie got your number, ya know Susie says its right. Ooh Blood on the dance floor. Ooh blood on the dance floor. I just can't take it. (Read that out loud in your best monotone or fragments and I assure you that it will be funny or if you record yourself doing it and send it to me, I would find it funny.)
Seven things to do before I die:
Become a confirmed Catholic
Fall in love & get married.
Have children.
Hang out like old homies from across the way with Michael Jackson. Oh yeah. That's right.
Find some deep down ability to sing.
To travel the world.
To become successful and content with whatever I do..
Seven Things I cannot do:
Breathe normally.
Algebra.
Tell people how I feel face to face.
Tell special people how much I love them face to face.
Shove my foot through the computer to kick the asses of people who annoy me online.
Be a contestant on big brother.
Always bite my tongue or turn my cheek when someone upsets me.
Seven things that attract me to my mate:
This one is n.a
Seven things I say:
Look what you did you little JERK!
That smells/looks/tastes like absolute ASS.
Darn tootin'
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF....iretruck.
CHUT up. (Donny Darko)
Oh, no doubt! (PJ with Penny, said in really geeky voice)
Gimme a quarter (This is a newbie. It's said as I break in to spontaneous dance before my Mum to show her who's bad, who's bad, who's really, really bad. You clearly have to be there.)
Seven Movies I've loved:
Memoirs Of A Geisha
Ghosts (The MJ one, 'FREAK CIRCUS FREAK, GO BACK TO THE CIRCUS, FREAKY BOY!!!!', not the stupid Demi Moore crap.)
The Shawshank Redemption
Life Is Beautiful
Singing In The Rain
Dumb & Dumber
Elephant Man
Seven People to Tag:
Everyone I know well enough to tag, have already been tagged! :( I'm a lonely po' little blogger.
lol.
I just want you to all know that...
Blood is on the dance floor, blood is on the knife. Susie got your number, ya know Susie says its right. Ooh Blood on the dance floor. Ooh blood on the dance floor. I just can't take it. (Read that out loud in your best monotone or fragments and I assure you that it will be funny or if you record yourself doing it and send it to me, I would find it funny.)
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Its you or no one else...
This is going to be really honest.
Today I looked in the mirror and at first I was staring for vanity reasons. I was checking to see if my skin was any clearer than it was a week previous as I'd been suffering a massive break out (I blame Sydney.) I surveyed my entire body, and thought that I'd done well, lost a little bit of weight in some of the places where I'd needed to the most. Slowly my eyes met with my own, and I suddenly wanted to cry. It was such a flip of emotions and I didn't really understand why I felt like that. I had woken up only minutes earlier.
I went back to my bedroom thinking that perhaps I needed to sleep longer. Only, it was nearer to midday and I felt disgusted with myself enough for being so lazy. I thought as I wiped my eyes about what I was going to do today and I drew a blank. The thought of sitting in this house for another 24 hours just made me want to sob. I can't even take up a hobby or go out or anything because at the moment I have so many bills and money issues that spending even a couple of dollars is a big deal.
I'm an absolute coward when it comes to jobs because I feel like it's too much trouble. I joined this agency and I know thats a babystep and thats a good thing, but when I think of the idea of going to a job interview I feel physically sick. The past few jobs I have had, I've been employed by people that I know really well. I don't feel like I have enough confidence or self-assurance to do anything at all. My self-esteem has been shot to absolute pieces over the past year or so and the best thing I'm good at is sitting and continuing to make excuses for myself because I'm "different". But maybe more than anything, I'm the one who alienates myself from everyone. I'm the one who is constantly reminding myself that I'm "not the same" when maybe no one elses realises it at first, but then it gets to the point where I kind of don't let them forget.
Everything in my life seems to be a farce. I've been presented time and time again with fantastic opportunities, with amazing friends who offer to help me do amazing things and I don't take them up on it because I'm afraid I won't be able to let myself come through, that I'll disappoint. I fob it off.
For the past few years I've felt like I have nothing to offer anyone, that I am not even worthy enough to meet new people, to speak in a crowded room because I'm such a degenerate that I don't deserve to even be there. I can't introduce myself, I can't hold a conversation in person for more than three coherent sentences unless I'm a little bit drunk or overly obnoxious. Without a job, without study, without a social life, without any aim, I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone.
Yeah, so I have a disability. I have respiritory malfunctions and slightly visible spinal issues. I've done the stupid thing of letting this define me. I've been through a lot, granted, and the worst thing is, is that the hardest thing wasn't the surgeries, the life of doctor to doctor, hospital to hospital -- it was the social side. It was being outcasted at school, it was going through the first 9 yrs of schooling being ridiculed and abused physically and verbally because of it. (and to this day, I am far too ashamed to admit to anyone the things that were said to me for fear of it actually ringing true to them.) It was believing the things that they said. It was feeling the honesty of their words, for whatever reason they said them. I left school pretty early and as a result I developed agoraphobia and hid from the world for years. Literally.
I spent so much time feeling sorry for myself, becoming paranoid and thinking that the entire world is out to get me. Even now, when I'm okay in that respect... I still flinch when people are staring at me now. I hate that feeling.
So now I'm 22. I've made a life time of silly mistakes, crying over what's so far in the past. It's only recently and I mean, very recently that I realised in hindsight that no one else is to blame by the way I've single-handedly destroyed the past say 7 yrs of my life by letting regret, fear and self-loathe consume me. Early last year this all paramounted to a point where I just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know what to do with myself and I don't think I stopped crying for weeks. I lost a lot of weight, got really sick, emotionally detached myself from everyone and pushed away anything that God was trying to whisper to me.
I'd come here to my Mums because she is my safety net. She doesn't expect anything from me. She's perhaps too easy on me. She babies me because in her eyes, I'm still a little kid and maybe I always will be. I basically didn't leave my bedroom while I was here and no questions were ever asked. I slept all day stayed up all night until I was incoherently sobbing over ... what? It got to the point where I didn't know anymore. I hate that I let myself get to that point.
I thought I was at rock bottom, but things got better. They always do, right? But again, temporarily. Someone startled me by knocking the wind out of me with amazing honesty and sincerity. "Don't you know how beautiful you are, Jess? Oh my goodness, you are so beautiful. Look around at everything in that is a creation of God... The stars, the moon, the birds, the trees, the sea... God doesn't create anything that isn't beautiful. You are God's creation Jess, you are His Princess."
Well.
The revelation felt like it fell upon me like a tonne of bricks. I was just absolutely stunned that I'd never looked at life in that way before. I know my friends adore me, they love me, for the most part unconditionally, but sometimes it's so hard to show how much you care for someone, especially when that someone (me) shows no signs of being on rock bottom. I've always been one of those people who won't show when she's upset. I don't want to bother people, I don't want to really get help because getting help would have meant changing and I was / am scared of stepping out of the shell. So hearing those words was just something that I needed to hear in order to regain some sense of self worth.
Sometimes I wonder though, why God would love me, why He choose me. Why am I so beautiful to Him? Why does He want someone like me to be His princess, what am I worth to Him? It's unfathomable that my Lord should have such unconditional love For me.
But you know, God helps. Praying helps even if sometimes I don't understand why Jesus continues to show me his mercy even when I continue to sin. I'm lazy. I live in regret. I question my Faith. I let other people's doings consume me. I don't always trust Him to be right, I am stubborn and always want to do things my way before giving in and trusting in Him. He's so patient and kind to me and I still don't know why or can't accept it.
I thought I was rock bottom before, but now I am at rock bottom. In fact, I am below rock bottom. I'm all the crap that's beneath the rock's bottom. But I want to change because I don't know for how long I can continue to be stagnant, to feel worthless, to be void of any self-worth and confidence. I want a higher self-esteem. I want to have a wonderful job. I want to be studying to find a career. I'm tired of feeling like I have nothing to offer anyone. I want to fall in love. I want to get married. I want a normal life. I want to accept that no one thinks that I'm not normal, I'm the one who has lead myself to believe such nonsense.
I have a friend who's really hard on me when it comes to this stuff and I get frustrated sometimes because I want her to pity me, the way I've just come to pity myself, but she won't do it. She tells me the truth and she tells me what I need to be doing and time and time again I've let her down by not taking advice. Sometimes the devil is in my ear so loud and so clear, telling me what I am not and I take it, and I believe it.
I just want to be filled with joy. I want to truly feel joy for the first time since I was a child. But it wont just fall in to my lap. I have to help myself. I have to pray. I have to take my friend's advice and I have to just get it done rather than talking about it and crying about what I haven't. I thought going to Sydney would alleviate some of the weight on my heart, but after going and realizing what all of my friends have (i.e stable jobs with good income, their own places to live, respective partners), I came home to nothing and realised what I don't have and it made me feel worse. Not jealous, not even envious, but just aware of what I am robbing myself of.
At the RCIA meeting M. gave me an advertisement of a job at the Catholic primary school (the primary school that is the connection to my church) as a teachers aide and since the school is literally a 1km walk down the road, I decided I wanted it. It said it would be looked upon generously for those who have a certificate in first aid, which I don't have but I am willing to get it if they consider me for the job. I also want to do the application letter a bit different and outline whole-heartedly why I want the position. I love children, I love God, and [but maybe I'll have to brush up on my maths.] I think it'd be a good starting opportunity for me to begin interacting with people again. (Of course that wouldn't be a selling point, so I'd not add that.)
Basically, I want to be studying at Uni. I want to have a job and I want to get my debts out of the way, because it's all I can think about at the moment and it's driving me insane. I need to write out a plan and take babysteps and stick to them. It's crucial now, because although people tell me I'm still young, I'm 22 who's had a string of crap jobs with no direction and time goes by fast. I don't want to be say, even 25 with no direction. I want this year to be the year.
I don't want to cry anymore, it makes my nose run and it gives me the worst headaches. Pray for me okay? I really need the strength right now more than ever. And pray that I fulfil everything that God wills me to do, and if getting this job is His will, please give me the strength to not push it away with cowardice and confusion in my heart.
Now I'm stuck in a moment, it's bad for my health.
But I'm gone, if I don't emancipate myself.
I gotta say that all of this is coming down on me
like a tonne of bricks at this present time.
I don't have much cash,
I'm just trying to figure out the rest of my life
But I think a lot of people would agree that
all you need is a feeling of freedom
And when you're in emotional limbo and
everything you think about is filtered through that.
-- Emancipate Myself, Thirsty Merc.
I love my friends. -- http://www.justonelung.com/gallery/
Today I looked in the mirror and at first I was staring for vanity reasons. I was checking to see if my skin was any clearer than it was a week previous as I'd been suffering a massive break out (I blame Sydney.) I surveyed my entire body, and thought that I'd done well, lost a little bit of weight in some of the places where I'd needed to the most. Slowly my eyes met with my own, and I suddenly wanted to cry. It was such a flip of emotions and I didn't really understand why I felt like that. I had woken up only minutes earlier.
I went back to my bedroom thinking that perhaps I needed to sleep longer. Only, it was nearer to midday and I felt disgusted with myself enough for being so lazy. I thought as I wiped my eyes about what I was going to do today and I drew a blank. The thought of sitting in this house for another 24 hours just made me want to sob. I can't even take up a hobby or go out or anything because at the moment I have so many bills and money issues that spending even a couple of dollars is a big deal.
I'm an absolute coward when it comes to jobs because I feel like it's too much trouble. I joined this agency and I know thats a babystep and thats a good thing, but when I think of the idea of going to a job interview I feel physically sick. The past few jobs I have had, I've been employed by people that I know really well. I don't feel like I have enough confidence or self-assurance to do anything at all. My self-esteem has been shot to absolute pieces over the past year or so and the best thing I'm good at is sitting and continuing to make excuses for myself because I'm "different". But maybe more than anything, I'm the one who alienates myself from everyone. I'm the one who is constantly reminding myself that I'm "not the same" when maybe no one elses realises it at first, but then it gets to the point where I kind of don't let them forget.
Everything in my life seems to be a farce. I've been presented time and time again with fantastic opportunities, with amazing friends who offer to help me do amazing things and I don't take them up on it because I'm afraid I won't be able to let myself come through, that I'll disappoint. I fob it off.
For the past few years I've felt like I have nothing to offer anyone, that I am not even worthy enough to meet new people, to speak in a crowded room because I'm such a degenerate that I don't deserve to even be there. I can't introduce myself, I can't hold a conversation in person for more than three coherent sentences unless I'm a little bit drunk or overly obnoxious. Without a job, without study, without a social life, without any aim, I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone.
Yeah, so I have a disability. I have respiritory malfunctions and slightly visible spinal issues. I've done the stupid thing of letting this define me. I've been through a lot, granted, and the worst thing is, is that the hardest thing wasn't the surgeries, the life of doctor to doctor, hospital to hospital -- it was the social side. It was being outcasted at school, it was going through the first 9 yrs of schooling being ridiculed and abused physically and verbally because of it. (and to this day, I am far too ashamed to admit to anyone the things that were said to me for fear of it actually ringing true to them.) It was believing the things that they said. It was feeling the honesty of their words, for whatever reason they said them. I left school pretty early and as a result I developed agoraphobia and hid from the world for years. Literally.
I spent so much time feeling sorry for myself, becoming paranoid and thinking that the entire world is out to get me. Even now, when I'm okay in that respect... I still flinch when people are staring at me now. I hate that feeling.
So now I'm 22. I've made a life time of silly mistakes, crying over what's so far in the past. It's only recently and I mean, very recently that I realised in hindsight that no one else is to blame by the way I've single-handedly destroyed the past say 7 yrs of my life by letting regret, fear and self-loathe consume me. Early last year this all paramounted to a point where I just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know what to do with myself and I don't think I stopped crying for weeks. I lost a lot of weight, got really sick, emotionally detached myself from everyone and pushed away anything that God was trying to whisper to me.
I'd come here to my Mums because she is my safety net. She doesn't expect anything from me. She's perhaps too easy on me. She babies me because in her eyes, I'm still a little kid and maybe I always will be. I basically didn't leave my bedroom while I was here and no questions were ever asked. I slept all day stayed up all night until I was incoherently sobbing over ... what? It got to the point where I didn't know anymore. I hate that I let myself get to that point.
I thought I was at rock bottom, but things got better. They always do, right? But again, temporarily. Someone startled me by knocking the wind out of me with amazing honesty and sincerity. "Don't you know how beautiful you are, Jess? Oh my goodness, you are so beautiful. Look around at everything in that is a creation of God... The stars, the moon, the birds, the trees, the sea... God doesn't create anything that isn't beautiful. You are God's creation Jess, you are His Princess."
Well.
The revelation felt like it fell upon me like a tonne of bricks. I was just absolutely stunned that I'd never looked at life in that way before. I know my friends adore me, they love me, for the most part unconditionally, but sometimes it's so hard to show how much you care for someone, especially when that someone (me) shows no signs of being on rock bottom. I've always been one of those people who won't show when she's upset. I don't want to bother people, I don't want to really get help because getting help would have meant changing and I was / am scared of stepping out of the shell. So hearing those words was just something that I needed to hear in order to regain some sense of self worth.
Sometimes I wonder though, why God would love me, why He choose me. Why am I so beautiful to Him? Why does He want someone like me to be His princess, what am I worth to Him? It's unfathomable that my Lord should have such unconditional love For me.
But you know, God helps. Praying helps even if sometimes I don't understand why Jesus continues to show me his mercy even when I continue to sin. I'm lazy. I live in regret. I question my Faith. I let other people's doings consume me. I don't always trust Him to be right, I am stubborn and always want to do things my way before giving in and trusting in Him. He's so patient and kind to me and I still don't know why or can't accept it.
I thought I was rock bottom before, but now I am at rock bottom. In fact, I am below rock bottom. I'm all the crap that's beneath the rock's bottom. But I want to change because I don't know for how long I can continue to be stagnant, to feel worthless, to be void of any self-worth and confidence. I want a higher self-esteem. I want to have a wonderful job. I want to be studying to find a career. I'm tired of feeling like I have nothing to offer anyone. I want to fall in love. I want to get married. I want a normal life. I want to accept that no one thinks that I'm not normal, I'm the one who has lead myself to believe such nonsense.
I have a friend who's really hard on me when it comes to this stuff and I get frustrated sometimes because I want her to pity me, the way I've just come to pity myself, but she won't do it. She tells me the truth and she tells me what I need to be doing and time and time again I've let her down by not taking advice. Sometimes the devil is in my ear so loud and so clear, telling me what I am not and I take it, and I believe it.
I just want to be filled with joy. I want to truly feel joy for the first time since I was a child. But it wont just fall in to my lap. I have to help myself. I have to pray. I have to take my friend's advice and I have to just get it done rather than talking about it and crying about what I haven't. I thought going to Sydney would alleviate some of the weight on my heart, but after going and realizing what all of my friends have (i.e stable jobs with good income, their own places to live, respective partners), I came home to nothing and realised what I don't have and it made me feel worse. Not jealous, not even envious, but just aware of what I am robbing myself of.
At the RCIA meeting M. gave me an advertisement of a job at the Catholic primary school (the primary school that is the connection to my church) as a teachers aide and since the school is literally a 1km walk down the road, I decided I wanted it. It said it would be looked upon generously for those who have a certificate in first aid, which I don't have but I am willing to get it if they consider me for the job. I also want to do the application letter a bit different and outline whole-heartedly why I want the position. I love children, I love God, and [but maybe I'll have to brush up on my maths.] I think it'd be a good starting opportunity for me to begin interacting with people again. (Of course that wouldn't be a selling point, so I'd not add that.)
Basically, I want to be studying at Uni. I want to have a job and I want to get my debts out of the way, because it's all I can think about at the moment and it's driving me insane. I need to write out a plan and take babysteps and stick to them. It's crucial now, because although people tell me I'm still young, I'm 22 who's had a string of crap jobs with no direction and time goes by fast. I don't want to be say, even 25 with no direction. I want this year to be the year.
I don't want to cry anymore, it makes my nose run and it gives me the worst headaches. Pray for me okay? I really need the strength right now more than ever. And pray that I fulfil everything that God wills me to do, and if getting this job is His will, please give me the strength to not push it away with cowardice and confusion in my heart.
Now I'm stuck in a moment, it's bad for my health.
But I'm gone, if I don't emancipate myself.
I gotta say that all of this is coming down on me
like a tonne of bricks at this present time.
I don't have much cash,
I'm just trying to figure out the rest of my life
But I think a lot of people would agree that
all you need is a feeling of freedom
And when you're in emotional limbo and
everything you think about is filtered through that.
-- Emancipate Myself, Thirsty Merc.
I love my friends. -- http://www.justonelung.com/gallery/
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