A terrible addiction.

Well, I know there's addictions that could be much worse -- but blogging has always been addictive. I've had a blog since I was 16, way back in 1998. It's funny when I read back on the entries because they were so angry and so filled with heavy teenage angst that I liked to console myself that I never harbored. What a joke.

Today has been one of those days where I just didn't want to force myself to get out of bed. I could hear the wind blowing hard outside my window, my beautiful Billie was nosing at my arm to wake me up to be let outside to pee, and I just didn't want to. I'm an insomniac, and last night I went to bed before midnight and finished reading my trashy Nicole Richie novel (yeah, that's right. I own it. It was a birthday gift, in my defense and it wasn't too bad, surprisingly.) so I had no excuse for sleeping in so late.

I hate to be bored, but that's I am -- hence me boring everyone with a non-eventful blog entry. The first thing I did after my shower was jump online because there's nothing else to do in this ghost town! I was supposed to pick up a Christmas gift for my friend, but I told myself I'd do it tomorrow. (which is what I told myself yesterday when I couldn't be bothered getting out of bed before 11.) I'm turning in to a sloth.

I was having a conversation with a friend the other night about what type of things I want to change in my life, or rather what things I need to change in my life. And they're not massive things, but they are things that I recognise that I do that could be damaging to other people, and make me feel really bad.

I swear a lot. It's sometimes like breathing, that's how easily it comes to me. I look like I'm 15, curse words coming from a little girl is not at all becoming. There's nothing worse than seeing a young girl, pretty and sweet with a whole load of gutter talk coming from her lips. Infact, when I see it, I crinkle my nose and shoot a look of repugnance. It's cheap and tacky and turns me off. So why am I letting myself do the same?

I think bad things about people - some that I know, some that I don't. I was watching TV at a friends house cynically hurling insults at just about anyone who appeared on the screen. My friend commented on what a mean bitch I was, and we laughed... but-- in that instance I felt a hard slap upon the realisation that, it was a joke that thinly vieled the truth. I do it a lot -- when people say things that I deem as stupid, ask stupid questions or do something to annoy me, I conjure up the most arrogant and hateful things in my head about the person. Or, I make some sarky remark, that usually the other party doesn't entirely get. I hate myself for even thinking badly about the attire of someone walking down the street. How dare I be so judgemental?

And isn't it ironic that my self-esteem is generally so low and my biggest fear is being in public or amoungst a load of people that I don't know because I am frightened of being judged or of people thinking that I'm a dud? (That's dud, not dude.)

My friend told me that these are normal things that everyone does, that it's human nature. She (from an unreligious stand point) told me that God would understand. But I disagree. Our Lord Jesus tells us not to judge or else we shall be judged. I don't want to judge other's because, I myself, do not like to be unjustly judged. And it's not normal behavior at all - it's just a pattern of behavior that our twisted society let's us believe is normal -- just like everything else.

Of course I tell God I am sorry what I do, I ask him for the strength to curb my dark thoughts and unfair judgements, but mostly I find myself just doing it again. And I hate myself for it. I know I have made a bit of an improvement. My forked tongue isn't so forked anymore. I find forgiveness comes a lot easier than it did in the past, but sometimes the devil still fills my head with spite.

I do go on, don't I? I guess my point is, is that I dislike how these things can all be accepted as normal behavior just because everybody does it. It's like drinking alcohol, being promiscuious and doing drugs just because it's what society tells us normal behavior. It's not. I don't like to be given the raised eyebrow when I tell people I'm a virgin or that I don't believe in pre-maritual sex, or drink until I get soooooooOOooOO traaShed!!!!1111one. It's annoying and patronising.

But yet, I'm still doing the same, just on other levels (and possibly worse, because I know what I'm doing is wrong, but I keep doing it.)

Sigh.

And so on top of that, I feel that today I am a traitor to my Guy Sebastian post-teenage fandom, because I have been listening to the new Shannon Noll (his 2003 Australian Idol arch nemises) album, non stop. And did I mention my new crush on the lead singer of Taxiride, Jason Singh? Oh yeah. I wonder who will be my object of affection next week.