Shootin' stars breaks the mould.

I find that people are generally unhelpful and rude and don't give a toss about what a difference you could be making in their lives or even just to their day. Hopefully we aren't all guilty of this. Let's just take a moment the next time someone asks us something that we may have to get off our butt or lift a finger for a few minutes and consider how much of a help it would be to them.

I shouldn't eat when I'm a really bad mood. If I sprout another butt cheek I won't be surprised. Weirded out, but not surprised.

I'm going to read a bit of the book of James under a friend's direction. That's all I had to say. Ciao.

When something is wrong...

Ok, so I think today I'm over the Jackie Wilson thing.... until tomorrow.

Things are looking a bit better. Sharidan is really helping me out motivation-wise and I've been praying a lot about my situations. I've been thinking a lot about what's important to me in my life and have reevaluated a lot of things... and I'm interested in applying to this course; Bachelor Of Arts - Teaching at The Australian Catholic University or this; Bachlor Of Arts at Monash Uni.

I'm really confused about the application process though, but I have some friends who will be willing to help me :) I just kick myself that I didnt sort this out 5 yrs ago, like I should have.

Can everyone pray for me that I hear something back about this job I applied to? Be it good or bad? Thanks.

Today I watched Walk To Remember with Mandy Moore (who I think is just ridiculously stunning). And I cried. and cried. and cried. Did I mention I watched it yesterday as well? It's the most beautiful love story (have to admit that I loved the book-- the movie was a bit cheesy) ... I couldn't imagine having someone love me as much as Landon loved Jamie. :( Such a beautiful story.

I spent $8 on a book by Jodi Picoult today. It's her newest one called-- Oh blast it, I don't remember, but her newest one anyway. "My Sister's Keeper" was my favourite book last yr until I read "Me & Emma" ... Anyway, I don't plan to spend any more than $8 this week.

Lent starts on wednesday. I'm going to Mass on wednesday night and then to the RCIA meeting. :) I liked my meeting last week. Oh! Sharidan and I are enrolling in a short course to learn make-up application (we probably won't learn anything new, haha we'd be able to teach them a thing or two... I bet they don't know that if you dampen your applicator and apply MAC pigments they appear to be shiny and stay on longer and don't crease in your eye folds! Ha! I'm all kinds of smart.) And at the end of next month I'm going to do a creative writing / childrens stories workshop.

Lots of stuff to do tomorrow, and it's 1:am. This is exceptionally early for me to go to bed, but I need to do that, cause part of my problem is staying up all night, and sleeping all day and feeling like a slug.

Good news, I've been cyphening my mums ADSL connection lately which means I have to use the internet out in the family room cause the cord isnt very long. But we got a 35m one today, which means I can go back to my room and have the privacy like I had before to look at whatever I want (it sounds like I look up porn or something, right? But no, I can't look up Catholic-y stuff, or sit for hours reading cause it's met with scorn or the loud blarring TV. My biggest hate in life is the sound of the TV. I hate TV!!!!!! It makes me angry!) and play whatever music I want without hearing how crap my speakers sound, or how crap my music is. (Coming from my step father who calls Metallica music.)

I wish there was a way I could lock posts so only certain people could read it, huh? Anyway, going back to my room now to tidy up real nice and go to sleep.

Please keep me in your prayers.

xx
God Bless.

Broad tastes

I hate that "yo mo fo" (your 'Eminem' and your '50cent' crap) kinda music, and I feel offended when I turn on the TV and they are rapping about pimpin' bitches and how the world is gonna be damn sorry when they commit suicide -- or alternatively, get shot. At one time I was under this massive misapprehension that 2pac and I were homies, but that lasted about fifteen minutes, thankfully -- but dammit, at least some of his raps had a bit of depth to them.

And, may I ask? Does anyone sing about anything these days besides having sex? Here I am contented at my desk, blarring good ol'e Jackie Wilson who songs are about as risque as a tree stump. He sings about being in love, and dancing, and songs with just down right made-up words in it. And it's fun, and his voice is absolutely raw and beautiful and isn't hindered or drowned-out by synthesisers and other crap. It might be good to agree that Mr. Wilson is my musical obsession for the week. Last week it was Stevie Wonder. Who will be next week?

I couldn't get to church today, which I'm a little bit disappointed about. My Mum went away thus, taking the car. I discovered the other day that I could still take my car on short drives, but then realized that my drivers licence has expired and costs over $100 to renew. Ass. I wasn't especially worried about it, since church is not that far, but knowing my luck, I'd get busted. And isn't it ironic that I'd be breaking the law to get to church? haha. Also, if I had any kind of car accident with an expired licence, I'd end up in a court room. No thanks. It's okay, there's Mass on Ash wednesday that I'm going to with my RCIA group. :)

Okay so it's 11am, and I'm sitting here and it's freezing and I should be doing some housework. Whenever my Mum goes away, I suddenly let my generally obsessive-compulsive cleaning habits slip by. I turn in to a slob. Maybe cause it's not often I get to relax this much. I've had music blarring since my Mum left. It's also not often I get to play music this loud. However, now that my neighbours have been made aware that I like 50s music French Music, Michael Jackson and a lot of loud and obscure soft-rock, I'm sure they want me to die by the gun. Oh well, payback for slamming doors and talking extremely loud outside of my window every night after midnight. Gotta love neighbours.

I made fantastic tuna bake for dinner last night using tuna, pasta shells, mushrooms, tomatos, garlic grinds, paprika, onion, pasta sauce, cheese, sweet chilli, mixed herbs and a little bit of pepper. I don't do recipies, I do it from scratch and do it my own way and always hope for the best. So far, I've impressed myself time and time again. And there's a lot of left overs (since I cook for a tribe) so guess what my breakfast is? I'm so homely and gross lol.

You better stop. Doggin' me around...

God Bless, guys.

Im just a teenage nutbag, baby.

Two posts in one day, who'd have predicted it? -- Hmm, it's after midnight now, perhaps not.

It's been ridiculously hot today, and I was unable to sleep because of it. The cat is being a jerk and is stirring up the dogs, and the dogs are all trying to sleep. Mr. Thomas Anderson (the cat) is just a jerk in general. I have cat claw marks all over my legs, its really the latest fashion. Maybe I'll start a photo blog dedicated to all the open wounds my cat has left all over me.

So, on this forum I visit we were having a discussion about our teenage obsessions after I rehashed a New Kids On The Block cd (and enjoyed playing it too, I might add) and a forum member posted photos of her bedroom which was basically wallpapered in NKOTB & Jordan Knight. And so I felt compelled to share my obsession. I bet you think that my walls were Michael Jackson wallpaper, right? Wrong! I took Michael Jackson down long enough to wallpaper 3T all over my walls.


If you are from Europe or the UK or AU, you'd probably remember 3T for their illustrious career and successful career of one entire album that was released in 1995. If you are from France, Holland, Belgium and Germany, you'll know that 3T released a second CD in 2003 (but only in those said countries) or if you are part of the Michael Jackson fan community, you might know, since they are related to Michael Jackson (His nephews, Tito Jackson's sons). I got really in to them! Even though they had 0 #1 hits here, they never toured here, they hardly got airplay, they didn't promote here, they didn't even really show up in magazines very often -- but I turned in to one of those massive staunch fans. As a result of 3T, I made a lot of international friends and penpals, I met a lot of psychos, I made two best friends (both of whom are still my real-life friends 8 yrs on), I became known to 3T (I really don't these kinds of things half-heartedly, now do I?) and I learned that just cause you're a Jackson doesn't mean you're all that great. Unless yer name is Michael, these days, I'm strictly not interested in you. (Yeah, that means even you Jermaine... hahaha)

Anyway, this is how my room looked for a short spell;

I gave up on them around 2000. I was tired of waiting for that second cd. And when it came, I felt a bit like, hang on a second? I waited 8 years for ... this? And I couldn't even buy it in Australia, someone sent it to me from Holland! Ass! I hear they're still arsing about, trying to get their own show on MTV about how hard it is to be a Jackson in America. It's just like... is your name Michael? No. Sure I'm sure you've had some ups and downs, but the only Jackson who really ever had any problems was Michael. (Oh and Jermaine, but Jermaine's problems are mostly self-afflicted. Robbing your brother's fiance who you now have as your wife, becoming a step-father and an uncle at the same time must be ... rough.)

That's all just a bit of fun. I need to get some sleep. The weekends are so boring!

I was tagged. Guh!

For something a little less intense, Cubicle Reverend tagged me.

Seven things to do before I die:
Become a confirmed Catholic
Fall in love & get married.
Have children.
Hang out like old homies from across the way with Michael Jackson. Oh yeah. That's right.
Find some deep down ability to sing.
To travel the world.
To become successful and content with whatever I do..

Seven Things I cannot do:
Breathe normally.
Algebra.
Tell people how I feel face to face.
Tell special people how much I love them face to face.
Shove my foot through the computer to kick the asses of people who annoy me online.
Be a contestant on big brother.
Always bite my tongue or turn my cheek when someone upsets me.

Seven things that attract me to my mate:
This one is n.a

Seven things I say:
Look what you did you little JERK!
That smells/looks/tastes like absolute ASS.
Darn tootin'
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF....iretruck.
CHUT up. (Donny Darko)
Oh, no doubt! (PJ with Penny, said in really geeky voice)
Gimme a quarter (This is a newbie. It's said as I break in to spontaneous dance before my Mum to show her who's bad, who's bad, who's really, really bad. You clearly have to be there.)

Seven Movies I've loved:
Memoirs Of A Geisha
Ghosts (The MJ one, 'FREAK CIRCUS FREAK, GO BACK TO THE CIRCUS, FREAKY BOY!!!!', not the stupid Demi Moore crap.)
The Shawshank Redemption
Life Is Beautiful
Singing In The Rain
Dumb & Dumber
Elephant Man

Seven People to Tag:
Everyone I know well enough to tag, have already been tagged! :( I'm a lonely po' little blogger.

lol.

I just want you to all know that...

Blood is on the dance floor, blood is on the knife. Susie got your number, ya know Susie says its right. Ooh Blood on the dance floor. Ooh blood on the dance floor. I just can't take it. (Read that out loud in your best monotone or fragments and I assure you that it will be funny or if you record yourself doing it and send it to me, I would find it funny.)

Its you or no one else...

This is going to be really honest.

Today I looked in the mirror and at first I was staring for vanity reasons. I was checking to see if my skin was any clearer than it was a week previous as I'd been suffering a massive break out (I blame Sydney.) I surveyed my entire body, and thought that I'd done well, lost a little bit of weight in some of the places where I'd needed to the most. Slowly my eyes met with my own, and I suddenly wanted to cry. It was such a flip of emotions and I didn't really understand why I felt like that. I had woken up only minutes earlier.

I went back to my bedroom thinking that perhaps I needed to sleep longer. Only, it was nearer to midday and I felt disgusted with myself enough for being so lazy. I thought as I wiped my eyes about what I was going to do today and I drew a blank. The thought of sitting in this house for another 24 hours just made me want to sob. I can't even take up a hobby or go out or anything because at the moment I have so many bills and money issues that spending even a couple of dollars is a big deal.

I'm an absolute coward when it comes to jobs because I feel like it's too much trouble. I joined this agency and I know thats a babystep and thats a good thing, but when I think of the idea of going to a job interview I feel physically sick. The past few jobs I have had, I've been employed by people that I know really well. I don't feel like I have enough confidence or self-assurance to do anything at all. My self-esteem has been shot to absolute pieces over the past year or so and the best thing I'm good at is sitting and continuing to make excuses for myself because I'm "different". But maybe more than anything, I'm the one who alienates myself from everyone. I'm the one who is constantly reminding myself that I'm "not the same" when maybe no one elses realises it at first, but then it gets to the point where I kind of don't let them forget.

Everything in my life seems to be a farce. I've been presented time and time again with fantastic opportunities, with amazing friends who offer to help me do amazing things and I don't take them up on it because I'm afraid I won't be able to let myself come through, that I'll disappoint. I fob it off.

For the past few years I've felt like I have nothing to offer anyone, that I am not even worthy enough to meet new people, to speak in a crowded room because I'm such a degenerate that I don't deserve to even be there. I can't introduce myself, I can't hold a conversation in person for more than three coherent sentences unless I'm a little bit drunk or overly obnoxious. Without a job, without study, without a social life, without any aim, I feel like I have nothing in common with anyone.

Yeah, so I have a disability. I have respiritory malfunctions and slightly visible spinal issues. I've done the stupid thing of letting this define me. I've been through a lot, granted, and the worst thing is, is that the hardest thing wasn't the surgeries, the life of doctor to doctor, hospital to hospital -- it was the social side. It was being outcasted at school, it was going through the first 9 yrs of schooling being ridiculed and abused physically and verbally because of it. (and to this day, I am far too ashamed to admit to anyone the things that were said to me for fear of it actually ringing true to them.) It was believing the things that they said. It was feeling the honesty of their words, for whatever reason they said them. I left school pretty early and as a result I developed agoraphobia and hid from the world for years. Literally.

I spent so much time feeling sorry for myself, becoming paranoid and thinking that the entire world is out to get me. Even now, when I'm okay in that respect... I still flinch when people are staring at me now. I hate that feeling.

So now I'm 22. I've made a life time of silly mistakes, crying over what's so far in the past. It's only recently and I mean, very recently that I realised in hindsight that no one else is to blame by the way I've single-handedly destroyed the past say 7 yrs of my life by letting regret, fear and self-loathe consume me. Early last year this all paramounted to a point where I just couldn't take it anymore. I didn't know what to do with myself and I don't think I stopped crying for weeks. I lost a lot of weight, got really sick, emotionally detached myself from everyone and pushed away anything that God was trying to whisper to me.

I'd come here to my Mums because she is my safety net. She doesn't expect anything from me. She's perhaps too easy on me. She babies me because in her eyes, I'm still a little kid and maybe I always will be. I basically didn't leave my bedroom while I was here and no questions were ever asked. I slept all day stayed up all night until I was incoherently sobbing over ... what? It got to the point where I didn't know anymore. I hate that I let myself get to that point.

I thought I was at rock bottom, but things got better. They always do, right? But again, temporarily. Someone startled me by knocking the wind out of me with amazing honesty and sincerity. "Don't you know how beautiful you are, Jess? Oh my goodness, you are so beautiful. Look around at everything in that is a creation of God... The stars, the moon, the birds, the trees, the sea... God doesn't create anything that isn't beautiful. You are God's creation Jess, you are His Princess."

Well.

The revelation felt like it fell upon me like a tonne of bricks. I was just absolutely stunned that I'd never looked at life in that way before. I know my friends adore me, they love me, for the most part unconditionally, but sometimes it's so hard to show how much you care for someone, especially when that someone (me) shows no signs of being on rock bottom. I've always been one of those people who won't show when she's upset. I don't want to bother people, I don't want to really get help because getting help would have meant changing and I was / am scared of stepping out of the shell. So hearing those words was just something that I needed to hear in order to regain some sense of self worth.

Sometimes I wonder though, why God would love me, why He choose me. Why am I so beautiful to Him? Why does He want someone like me to be His princess, what am I worth to Him? It's unfathomable that my Lord should have such unconditional love For me.

But you know, God helps. Praying helps even if sometimes I don't understand why Jesus continues to show me his mercy even when I continue to sin. I'm lazy. I live in regret. I question my Faith. I let other people's doings consume me. I don't always trust Him to be right, I am stubborn and always want to do things my way before giving in and trusting in Him. He's so patient and kind to me and I still don't know why or can't accept it.

I thought I was rock bottom before, but now I am at rock bottom. In fact, I am below rock bottom. I'm all the crap that's beneath the rock's bottom. But I want to change because I don't know for how long I can continue to be stagnant, to feel worthless, to be void of any self-worth and confidence. I want a higher self-esteem. I want to have a wonderful job. I want to be studying to find a career. I'm tired of feeling like I have nothing to offer anyone. I want to fall in love. I want to get married. I want a normal life. I want to accept that no one thinks that I'm not normal, I'm the one who has lead myself to believe such nonsense.

I have a friend who's really hard on me when it comes to this stuff and I get frustrated sometimes because I want her to pity me, the way I've just come to pity myself, but she won't do it. She tells me the truth and she tells me what I need to be doing and time and time again I've let her down by not taking advice. Sometimes the devil is in my ear so loud and so clear, telling me what I am not and I take it, and I believe it.

I just want to be filled with joy. I want to truly feel joy for the first time since I was a child. But it wont just fall in to my lap. I have to help myself. I have to pray. I have to take my friend's advice and I have to just get it done rather than talking about it and crying about what I haven't. I thought going to Sydney would alleviate some of the weight on my heart, but after going and realizing what all of my friends have (i.e stable jobs with good income, their own places to live, respective partners), I came home to nothing and realised what I don't have and it made me feel worse. Not jealous, not even envious, but just aware of what I am robbing myself of.

At the RCIA meeting M. gave me an advertisement of a job at the Catholic primary school (the primary school that is the connection to my church) as a teachers aide and since the school is literally a 1km walk down the road, I decided I wanted it. It said it would be looked upon generously for those who have a certificate in first aid, which I don't have but I am willing to get it if they consider me for the job. I also want to do the application letter a bit different and outline whole-heartedly why I want the position. I love children, I love God, and [but maybe I'll have to brush up on my maths.] I think it'd be a good starting opportunity for me to begin interacting with people again. (Of course that wouldn't be a selling point, so I'd not add that.)

Basically, I want to be studying at Uni. I want to have a job and I want to get my debts out of the way, because it's all I can think about at the moment and it's driving me insane. I need to write out a plan and take babysteps and stick to them. It's crucial now, because although people tell me I'm still young, I'm 22 who's had a string of crap jobs with no direction and time goes by fast. I don't want to be say, even 25 with no direction. I want this year to be the year.

I don't want to cry anymore, it makes my nose run and it gives me the worst headaches. Pray for me okay? I really need the strength right now more than ever. And pray that I fulfil everything that God wills me to do, and if getting this job is His will, please give me the strength to not push it away with cowardice and confusion in my heart.

Now I'm stuck in a moment, it's bad for my health.
But I'm gone, if I don't emancipate myself.
I gotta say that all of this is coming down on me
like a tonne of bricks at this present time.
I don't have much cash,
I'm just trying to figure out the rest of my life
But I think a lot of people would agree that
all you need is a feeling of freedom
And when you're in emotional limbo and
everything you think about is filtered through that.
-- Emancipate Myself, Thirsty Merc.

I love my friends. -- http://www.justonelung.com/gallery/

Forgiveness & other stuff

I took this exerpt out of the weekly church hand out because it really spoke to me.

"Forgiveness is the answer to our dream of a miracle. Through forgiveness what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is made clean, what is lost is found. Nothing greater can happen to a human being than that he or she is forgiven. A person is no longer trapped in his past. He is set free free to love again, free to move forward again.

Forgiveness is unconditional or it is not forgiveness at all.

Can one forgive oneself? No, it doesn't work. We have to be forgiven. We can only believe that this is possible if we ourselves are able to forgive.

These words of Christ;
"Your sins are forgiven, go in peace." are among the most wonderful in the gospel.

I find there to be so many profound things in the gospel according to John. And I remember when I was in Sydney a few weeks ago, sitting on a blanket in the sun reading the book of John for something to do to pass time. It was such a stinking hot day and I remember feeling chills all over when I read the following;

"When the world hates you, remember it hated me before it hated you. The world would love you if you belonged to it, but you don't. I chose you to come out of the world, and so it hates you. Do you remember what I told you? 'A servant is no greater than the master.' Since they persecuted me, naturally they will persecute you. And if they had listened to me, they would listen to you!"
(Jn 15:18-20)

I felt a relationship with Jesus stronger than ever before when I read this, because I felt like it related to me -- even if it might not have been for the right reason. I suppose that I've always felt as though I've never belonged. I've always felt alone until I found my Faith, and it is only when I am in the presence of Jesus at Mass or with my beloved, fellow Christian friends that I truly feel as though I am home.

As time goes on my Mum is more accepting of my faith and this is really pleasing to me, because I've always went through my life wishing and hoping to make my parents proud. My mother has at times met my faith with scorn, but mostly in an awkward way, because I am not sure she knows how else to act, but I think possibly that when I become confirmed she will be counted in attendence. That makes me happy and satisfied.

Today a woman from Church called to confirm my attendance to the RCIA meeting, which I was happy to hear. I unfortunately was still lolling around in bed like the slug that I was modelling to be at the time she called, but my Mum had a talk to her just briefly. The lady is really nice. She was the one that I met after church with Fr. Cleary the other day. I called her back and she and I had a little talk about my background. She said it might take a year for me to get confirmed, to go through RCIA for an entire, and that's absolutely fine with me -- but I might be ready earlier. She said at some point I'd have a heart-to-heart with Fr. and the idea of that seemed very nice.

So tomorrow night (today now.) I pray that I can attend the RCIA meeting without any flickers of fear in my heart, nor will I let any anxiety make me feel as though I can't turn up. I think I'll be fine though, I know this is something that Jesus wants me to do and so he'll protect me from anything that gets thrown my way.

In Jesus I want to ALWAYS trust!

God Bless you guys!!!
Take care xoxoxoxo

Trying to be quick...

Okay so getting the sleep functionality is still a work in progress, but at least I'm a little bit happier. Today I felt so inspired, that I even worked on my CV and then went and registered with a job agency. I need to call them tomorrow to supply them with a job seeker number. I want a really decent job that I can get comfortable in. Even for the next 8 months. I have bills that need paying off.

I've discovered some really great music over the past week, and so I figured I'd share some of the song titles of my recent favourite tunes. Some are complete and utter cheesy teenybopper crap, but hey-- that's me-- a wealth of all age groups rolled in to one!

1. Possitivity - Stevie Wonder
2. Reverie - Brook Fraser
3. You Gotta Help Me - Taxiride
4. Sunburn - Muse
5. Family Portrait - Pink
6. Don't Cry - Seal
7. Headstrong - Trapt
8. Meant To Live - Switchfoot
9. Blue Bayou - Roy Orbison
10. Someday, Someday - Thirsty Merc
11. Lift - Shannon Noll
12. Thunder - Prince
13. Only God Knows Why - Kidd Rock
14. You'll Get Yours - Mel C
15. Fly Like A Bird - Mariah Carey
16. My Only Hope - Mandy Moore
17. Calm Down - Killing Heidi
18. God Save Us All - Lenny Kravitz
19. Let's Stay Together - Al Green
20. His Eye Is On The Sparrow - Lauryn Hill
21. Question - Rhett Miller
22. Touch Of Paradise - John Farnham
23. Mad World - Gary Jules
24. Lamentation - Eric Benet
25. Every Little Thing - Dishwalla
26. Color Blind - Counting Crows
27. Flow - Casey Donovan
28. Never Too Much - Luther Vandross
29. Check On It - Beyonce
30. Confessional Song - Charlotte Church

Check some of them out if you get a chance :) Some songs are ancient favourites of mine, but most are ones that I love so much right now. I love music. I uploaded all of my cds to the PC the other day so I wouldnt have to always change the cd, and could just put all songs on random play. I have over 3000 songs in my wma folder. teehee. My Mum told me my computer would split open and spew out musical notes.

Can we have prayers for my friend and her husband. They have been trying for a baby for 6 years and haven't been successful yet in all their years of marriage. I would really appreciate it and I know she would, also :) Every last prayer helps.

Also, let us pray for these Proactiv commercials on late night Australian TV to cease, because I've already bought the product, what more do they want?! Stupid infomercials. Taking away time from MadTV or The Simpsons, or something equally worthy.

Anyone ever seen Home Alone? You know the part at the very beginning where Kevin's brother Buzz vomited up all the pizza and apparently it's all Kevin's fault? Remember the uncle who has soda spilled all over him? The one that goes, "Look what you did, you little jerk" with such a harsh tone? Hahaha. That's my new saying. (Of course jokingly) I've been saying it to everyone, in that same harsh tone. Today my Mum and I were out and she accidentally knocked something down from a shelf and I said, loudly, "Look what you did you little JERK!" she clearly wasn't expecting it, and was so shocked that she cracked up laughing. I'm sure people surrounding us thought I was an exceptionally rude child (not looking a day over 15, and all.)

Oh dear, Joyce Meyer is on now I know I really need some sleep.

And here I was, so sure that I had something of substance to say. Hey please pray for a job for me! A decent one. :) Thanks party people. God bless you all.

xoxoxox
Jessy

Send us where we need to be

God and I talked for awhile last night, it's been awhile, since I've sat down with Him and really talked. I asked Him to bring me to the right place, to free me of the burdens I'm feeling. I lay in the dark and felt so good to get a lot of things off of my chest, to entrust some issues in to His Holy hands. I had myself reduced to tears, but definitely not too tired to talk, for once.

I finally made it to the new church I've been talking about going to for awhile. I don't know why I was so reluctant. I suppose it was the anxiety issues that I have superceding my desire to hear God's Word. And we all know who's voice I was hearing, and it wasn't The Lord's. Social anxiety is something I've struggled with for so long, but last night a whisper from the Almighty Father gave me strength.

I just need to say, that the church that I was going to before was a good one. The message was always really good and the Fr. was a really nice man, but I felt very intimidated in his presence. I spoke to him only twice, but I put off my confession with him because for whatever reasons, I kind of feared him. Each time I spoke with him I felt unnerved. I can't explain it. It wasn't that he wasn't friendly, nor was he not accomodating, but I don't know... I didn't feel comfortable. And also, I made mention earlier that no one at church had ever really said hello to me, except for the part in Mass where you are supposed to wish another person peace. So, I always felt really nervous going to church every week. The only thing that kept me going back was the way the way the gospel was given. I really liked it.

So I went to a 10:30am Mass. (I didnt have to wake up at 8am to be at church at 11am anymore, I could have awoken at 10 past 10am and still got there on time!!) The second I walked in, I felt an amazing atmosphere. The parish was made up of mostly elderly people, but that didn't deter me. I love the elderly. (Seriously!) And so I the priest came out. And he looked so sweet. He looks quite old. He started talking and I picked up a thick Irish accent, endearing me more. He delivered a fantastic message. It was about forgiveness. Something that really touched on my heart, since I've been having quite a few issues with friends, ex-friends and acquaintences lately. I loved it. The church itself was quite big and it was gorgeous! Stunning, actually. I loved the whole thing, right down to the off-key one-woman choir. So cute!

After the service I began walking out and one of the parish members began speaking to me. She was so cute, elderly and friendly! I noticed that the Fr. was by the door coming to bid people farewell (which I never saw at the other church, it was so hard to get a hold of him, I found.) and for by some special Grace and will of God, I found the courage (although a little shakily I dare admit) to walk up, seemingly confidently, and introduce myself to him. I told him that I was new to the parish and had just recently moved here. He grabbed my hand and shook it and looked at me so kindly. He gave me such a warm welcome and made me feel very comfortable. Now, just by his initial sweetness alone, I went on to tell him that I was quite new to faith and I wanted to perhaps see him at a more appropriate time. I quickly explained that I was not yet confirmed, and would love to learn more about it, and how to go about it.

He seemed quite happy to hear this. There was another woman who was standing by who also introduced herself (She handed me the service leaflet as I walked in) and welcomed me also. Fr. (Cleary) told me that they were having special RCIA meetings on wednesday nights and invited me along to attend. I told him that it was lovely to meet him and thanked him for the great service and said that I would love to make Sacred Heart my new home. Then the other woman who was there, took me on a little guided tour to show me exactly where the RCIA meetings were being held and explained a little about it, and talked with me about general stuff. She was lovely!

And seriously? I really felt at home. As I was speaking with Fr. I was thinking that I would feel completely comfortable with him during a confession. He seemed perfectly non-judging and all-round sweet and kind. So folks, I'm attending this RCIA meeting on wednesday. I'm kind of excited about it and it felt so good going back to church again.

Having been moved by the service, I came home and sorted out an issue with one of my bestfriends. Something so petty, and so silly ... and it's sorted and I'm glad because its the worst feeling in the world to be having a disagreement or a silly quarrel with someone so dear.

And the other thing that I'm disgustingly happy about? Well... I picked up this today. :D Isn't it beautiful? It's like the most beautiful box set that ever was!

Each week a new single will be released. Each single has the DVD video of the song, and the audio song. It starts from Off The Wall days, onwards. I am so very pleased about it. I know its a terrible marketing plot by sony music, still exploiting Michael Jackson's name while it's still big in the news, but so what. I fell for it, hahahaha. I can't help having to buy everything with the guys name on it!

I'm glad it's not that expensive. Well at the moment everything is expensive. Good news is, after this week, I should have a bit more money and can start paying some bills and thinking about what to do with my car. :(

I wanted to especially thank Antonia for all the wonderful, wise and profound things she always says. She's a beacon of faith that is always overflowing and I admire her so much! :D

God bless guys, have a fantastic day / night / morning!!!

xxx
Jess

Just quick thinking...

I was reading this post at The Cubicle Reverends blog and something occured to me. It's so easy for virgins to get labeled, especially when theyre in their twenties and onwards.

I was always proud of my decision to wait until I was completely ready to have sex. I also had no problem sharing that decision with anyone who asked. The older I got, the more it was met with scorn. People would pat me on the head and smile sweetly at me and ask me to cover my eyes because the talk of sex was about to brought up. Some of my friends would blatently tell me, "You need to get laid." It used to both offend me and hurt me. I was patronised a lot and looked upon differently, because goodness knows how sex makes the world go around, and there's nothing else to life besides it!

I not so much, looked-down upon, but I couldn't help being disgusted by the way some people seemed to want to "school" me on sex, and would talk about things in front of me, purposely just to get a rise out of me. I've never been the kind of person who looks at another person with a lustful eye. Of course jokingly I've made comments here and there about people I've been interested in, but mostly just comments like, "Look at that guy, he's my boyfriend. He doesn't know it yet, but we're getting married!" (its a bit of a joke between my friends and I, now, so many boyfriends, so many weddings to attend to!) I don't ever (and have never) looked at another male (or female for that matter) and said something crass with all seriousness. I hate that behavior and I think it's a sad reflection of somebodies state of mind.

I hate how sex-minded people are. I hate it when friends need to share their sex life with me, how great a particular experience was or how it wasn't so great. I find it to be really inappropriate. I really feel that relationships between men and women who are in love should be intimate, private and between the two of them, most especially what goes on in the bedroom.

Anyway, I'm a 22 yr old virgin. I know friends of mine who are ten yrs my senior who are also virgins and I have so much respect for them and their strength, desire and will to wait until marriage or whenever the time is right for them.

I personally plan to wait til marriage and I hope that the man that I choose to marry will also share the same with me. I thank God that he gave me the power to stand up against the sake of keeping up with my peers or my innocence from being disposed at an early age as it easily could have been.

And tonight will be the earliest night for me, yet. It's 1:30am, and I have all intentions of going to Mass tomorrow for the first time in awhile. (That's cause I suck.)

xxx

Unconditional love

The notion of unconditional love has never really "hit" me.

I've had boyfriends in the past that I've loved but never had an unconditional love for. I've got friends, but I can safely say that there's only ever been one of them that's tested me for my unconditional love, and I have loved her all through my years unwittingly, unconditionally, through the good times and the bad times and even the times where I've wanted to smash my head against the wall in frustration while watching her ruining her life. Perhaps that's why I loved her so unconditionally, because she was the most needy of it.

But I've never consciously loved someone or something so hard that it hurts. I don't have any blood neices or nephews nor do I have any children of my own. I am not that close with my family (although I know I love them unconditionally, but it's something that's rather a given, not something I've done consciously.) and rarely do I express my love to any of them. I don't have close cousins or uncles or aunts or grandparents. We're a family that don't "do" feelings. We just leave it all unsaid, so it's sometimes a little hard to feel another person's unconditional love.

In December, I got my own dog. I searched for the perfect dog for months. I was looking for a particular breed, but I didn't want to buy a puppy because I knew that there were thousands of dogs at the dog shelters and at the RSPCA that needed good homes. I wanted to provide that for my prospective dog.

In May last year I lost the first dog my family got when I was 7. His name was Bull and he was the third child to my parents. He was given a few months to live in early 2000. He saved my life once after a King Brown snake was lurking by my feet as I was about to get in to the swimming pool. I moved suddenly and stirred it, and faster than the speed of light, ol'e Bull swept in and snapped up that snake as it was just inches away from me. He got bitten in the process and almost died. After my parents divorce, he became my Dad's dog. He was happier to be with my Dad. Despite his life-saving efforts, Bull didn't like me very much. He was a man's best friend, not a little girls, but I loved him anyway. He died at 15.

When I lived with my Mum we had Pumpkin the rottweiler. I was starting to get really quite attached to her when she was diagnosed with kidney failure. She was already old and feeble and died just one week after Bull.

I wanted to choose the perfect dog, perhaps in replacement of both of these beautifully natured pets. I love dogs so much. I suppose I wanted a pet to help me fill a bit of a void that I've been feeling for awhile. I don't have a lot of company, I don't have a boyfriend nor am I subject to a lot of affection. It's a bit embarrassing to even admit that I craved that from someone so unconditionally that no questions would be asked. I wanted to have a dog that was slightly needy, that was affectionate and loved affection. I had my eye on this beautiful white bull-terrier X. She had been extremely abused and wasn't fond of males. She flinched if you moved too quickly toward her and she needed extra care because she was prone to skin cancer. She had to be an inside dog. Since my pet had to live here with my Mum and Stepfather and I for a bit, I had to get his approval. They said the dog was too big for inside. Even though I wasn't happy about it, I agreed. She was quite a big dog, and there were two other dogs and a kitten in the house to think of.

As I was walking out, displeased and a little bit sad that I couldn't give such a precious thing a new home, I spotted a dog that I thought was particularly ugly. I don't know why she grabbed my attention because she stank a treat and had a smooshed up face, turned up nose. She was missing fur from her back, so it made her look like she was without pants which made me laugh. The lady from the dog shelter asked me if I wanted to handle her. Reluctantly I said okay, even though I just wanted to go home because I was down about the other dog. She grabbed "pixie" and took us to a little play yard and took her off the chain. I let her smell my hand. She was so sweet and so fat and so little. She followed me back and forth. My stepdad and Mum took to her as well. She jumped over me with reticence and a little bit of hesitance, but wanted to give me "kisses" never the less. She smelled like bum, but it didn't matter. I really fell in love with her sweet nature and I decided I wanted to take her. She was a Shih-Tzu X.

I waited anxiously to pick her up the following week after she was desexed (:(:(:(:() and had her dental work and nails trimmed. She sat in my lap on the way home smelling like every other dog at the dog shelter, but she seemed happy and a bit disposed, but nevertheless, at comfort. After a long and stinky 6 days, I was allowed to bathe her (we had to wait cause she had been desexed and couldnt get her incision wet). She fell in love with me, apparently too. She cried when I went even just up the road to get groceries. She sat by me all day long, slept on my bed beside me of a night even gently pawed at my arm when she needed to go to the bathroom of a night.

This dog is almost human, I'm serious. She's got an amazing personality. She wears her hair in a grandma perm. Sometimes her skin condition leaves her without pants. She lets me carry her around in my arms like a baby. She doesnt beg for food when I'm eating, but asks if she can have some with a gentle look and when I say no, she minds her own business. She loves to cuddle up, and loves to roll over for a tummy rub on command. She snuggles up to me when I'm sitting on the couch to watch TV. She sits by my chair when I'm on the computer. She enjoys listening to Michael Jackson music, and even moonwalks. (hahaha) She gets very upset if I raise my voice at her when I catch her trying to eat cats poo from the kitty litter tray (don't ask, we're seeking her a therapist.) and apologises by rolling on to her back asking for a tummy rub.

When I went to Sydney I was so worried that I'd upset her by leaving her for so long. She sulked for a week straight and started peeing inside which she has never done before. She cried at random moments and slept in my Mums room, but didnt snuggle up to her as she does with me. I was scared that when I got back she would forget me, or like me less. I would have been devastated if that was the case. Thankfully not. She lies next to me now as I type this, stopping every once in awhile to pat her head, scratch her behind the ear and so on. I talk to her all the time while I cradle her like a baby and rub her tummy.

And I realise that I am actually, despite all sense of doubt, able to love someone, or something consciously, unconditionally, because I love my Billie more than anything else. She's my bestest friend in all senses. And the best thing about her is that she has never held a single expectation of me. She doesn't get upset when I hog the bed. She doesn't hold a grudge when I raise my voice, she doesn't say things to spite me when she's upset with me. She doesn't go out of her way to hurt my feelings because she's in a bad mood. She doesn't call me names or accuse me of things that aren't even fathomable. She loves me for me, for the love that I give her, for the affection that I shower her with and for the owner that I am.

For so long I felt as though I was unable to consciously give my heart to anyone, anything, but now I see with physical proof that I have this in me. Coming to Christ was a huge step in my life, a huge hurdle to jump, something that I had to accept was within me, a force that quick became so strong that I couldn't ignore it. Every day my hurdle is feeling like something is holding me back from loving Him unconditionally, through everything. Through the good the bad, the frustrations the tears, the fears and the joy and rapture. It was something I felt that I could phyiscally never do because I simply didn't have the passion or the will or even the belief of love within me.

It's funny how it takes a single being in our lives to change our view about everything. I, my friends, am capable of affection and love. I have learned from my beautiful, angel of a puppy that I too, am worthy of love and affection. Not just any love, but love unconditional.

With this knowledge and evidence, I can be more confident about giving My Heart to Christ and letting Him do His will. I know that if I show him the same unconditional love that I show to my beautiful girl on a daily basis, He will cherish me and become pleased with me. The thought of pleasing Him and becoming closer to Him brings me so much hope and happiness.

In August something was plaguing me, an issue with someone of whom I loved so very much. I prayed and prayed over it. I let it become an issue that consumed me whole. I cried so much and asked God to fix it. He didn't fix it straight away. In fact, he didn't really fix it at all for quite some time. It wasn't until I got to the end of my rope. I had exhausted every path that I could to make things right, only nothing went right. I cried out of frustration mostly and finally as if I had a lightbulb moment, I prayed to Jesus about it. I asked Him to wipe away my tears and set my heart free of the confusion and hurt that it was consumed with. I asked Him to take the issue and do with it, His will. I told Him that I trusted Him with it and that in the long run, whatever was His decision I would trust, as the right one.

Jesus resolved my issue that very next day, and Lord how thankful I was. If only I remembered to have the faith to do this every time something is stirring my heart. I would be a much calmer person. The main thing I need to do right now is to trust and share my Heart with Him. And love, consciously, unwittingly, unconditional.

Lets make this an early one

This could possibly be the earliest that I'll be going to bed this week and its 1:30am.

I haven't been dedicating enough time to God as I should be. I haven't been praying. I used to always pray and talk to God before I went to sleep every night and the first thing when I woke up to ask Him to give me the strength to get through the day doing the right things, to stray away from sin, but I'm so tired these days that by the time I go to bed and start saying my prayers I've fallen asleep. How selfish that God only gets the dredges of me. I can only spare him a minute when I'm fighting off sleep and can hardly think to talk.

I'm ashamed of myself right now, but am trying really hard not to pity myself, because there's no reason to.

When I wake up of a morning, I've been springing up, rather than laying there for a bit and praying just to prevent falling asleep again and sleeping all day. I dont really have a place in this house where I can go and pray in peace, unless its in my bedroom, and when I'm in there for longer than 10 minutes I always get disturbed.

I guess I've just had a dodgy run for awhile (although most of my trip to Sydney was good) and I just need to get things together. Being in a rut is hard stuff.

Bahhh I've been staring at this screen for half an hour. Its now 2am. Ill finish this later.

justonelung.com

Its finished :)

www.justonelung.com

:)

(Ill still be blogging here, of course.)

Post-Sydney blues.

So... I'm back. We established that the other night.

My time in Sydney was fun and exhausting and I missed Billie so much, so I was really happy to get home. Now that I'm home though, and found my photographs, I feel a sense of longing that I was still living there... I know it's just post-holiday blues, and if I was living there I would wish to be here, but I've struggled with this feeling of indecisiveness for years, and no one can ever really keep up with where I'm really living because I'm always back and forth. You know you're pathetic when you experience occasional moments of disorientation, thinking you're in another house, in another state-- that's been happening to me a lot lately. The other night I got up to turn around and go to the bathroom, but realised I wasn't at my Dads house anymore. (which he's just moved out of.)

And I guess things still like they haven't changed. I've been here for three months and nothing has changed at all, except now I don't have a car and having a job is going to be even more difficult. I thought it would be a minor set-back, but it's been a major one. Money is way tighter than it's ever been, and my responsibilities have doubled as I'm getting older. Responsibilities suck.

I suppose then, there's the element of feeling lonely as much as I hate to admit it. I used to like the fact that I was anti-social, that I shied away from people, but these days I don't really feel too much like that. I like the company of other people, and I am more needy than I really wanted to recognise, for affection, interaction, playful banter... you know, all of that. I'm not even speaking romantically, either, just in general from friends and family.

I try to trust Jesus when I feel like this, to know that whatever is happening is within my plan, but it's really hard. I still haven't had that moment within my faith where everything kind of ... falls in to place. I've had initial revelations where the presence of God in my life could be felt, and still have those instances, but it needs to be more than that. I need to commit myself more than just recognise what wonderful things He's doing for me, whisper thanks and turn my back to him and continue consciously sinning.

I'm reading the Confessions of Saint Augustine at the moment and there's so many questions that he asks to God that I've asked, only he seemed to be more accepting of the answers he pours out over his pages. There's so many things that I've been thinking of confessing, but even when I think about them, I just can't imagine telling another living person the things that I'm most ashamed of. It's stopping me from organising properly to do my confession. All of my Catholic friends have assured me that the Priest has probably heard it all, if not worse, but it doesn't really console me, because it's not me that it comes from, if that makes sense. At first when I gave the idea of confession a thought, I couldn't really come up with anything-- but mostly because I stifle the things that I'm scared of people finding out. Everyone has done things that they aren't proud of, I know...but still... Some things that I remembered / know that I do, are things that I'd never ever want to admit to a single soul.

I'm having problems with self-control in a lot of areas of my life at the moment. I know no discipline when it comes to my body, I succumb to laziness so often and I sink further and further in to a pit of it when I'm here. And it's not that I feel no remorse for it, because I do. I feel so much guilt, but self-doubt, and pre-approved sense of failure before I begin has already set in before I attempt anything. I'll give an example.

An old acquaintence contacted me while I was in Sydney about doing a web site for an up-and-coming music band that are pretty big within my state at the moment. She forwarded me on to the manager of the band. I contacted him and we talked about what kinds of things the band wanted. I had reservations about calling, I didn't want to talk to someone who was going to throw his weight and talk down to me, knowing that I was young and not particularly in a professional environment. I called only because I felt obliged by said acquaintence. So once I was on the phone to him, I took a few notes but before I hung up, I resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't going to do it because it was too much work.

I know that having my name and url at the bottom of a website that would be getting thousands of hits could open up the door to fantastic opportunities in to a high-paying industry, but that excites me none. It's not a profession I particularly want to entertain at all. It just succeeds in making me look more like a band-mole, groupie. I've had enough of that stigma.

So the acquaintence has been trying to call me over and over and I keep ignoring her calls because I don't want her to keep hassling me about it. I know she meant well, but this is also a person who turned my life upside down and ruined relationships with my bestfriends a couple of yrs back, some of which have never been the same since. I've always felt hostile toward her since. I appreciate so much that she thought well enough of me to do the job, but I wish she didn't.

I guess that makes me look and sound really ungrateful, and I guess in a way I probably am. If I was one hundred percent certain I could program a site the way he specified, I'd have no problem accepting it, but I'm not, and I don't know if I'm in the right mind frame to learn. I don't have the same patience for learning computer stuff as I did a few years back, and I really believe she over-estimates my web design skills. I figured they'd want to see a portfolio, which I don't have unless they want to see a bunch of layouts that look like fan sites or trend-whore designs, which would hardly make me look like more of a loser, and perhaps go into Melbourne and sit down to chat with them about it. That, I absolutely cannot do. I don't have the confidence for any face-to-face confronting, 'I'm the boss, and this is what I want' crap.

A friend of mine kind of told me that that's the way it is, sometimes, you just have to deal with it. People talk down to you, you're the minion, theyre within their right, but I strongly disagree. Someone can be above you in title, but no one ever has the right to talk down to you. I used to have great skills at dealing with that kind of environment, but since then, my social skills kind of did a nose dive. These days if someone made me feel even slightly uncomfortable or inadequate, I'd probably just burst in to tears.

So... that's not going to happen. I just don't really know what to say to her about it yet.

New subject. I went to see Walk The Line, while in Sydney with Sheyne, and it was fricken awesome. I loved it so much. It was a sad story, but so great. The acting in it was fabulous. I loved Joaquin Pheonix as Johnny Cash, and I never really liked Reese Witherspoon as an actress (I absolutely loathe the Legally Blonde movies.) but after this, I loved her. The music that was in it was wonderful. I like all that old style music because it reminds me of my Dad, who plays nothing but. I'm really impressed that both Pheonix and Witherspoon sang the songs in it. I got the soundtrack and have been playing it incessantly, and the song "Ring Of Fire" in particular makes me miss my Daddy.

I've taken up jewellery-making for something to do in my spare time (Goodness knows I have so much of it, now.) and I made this Rosary bracelet, which I love to pieces. I haven't attached the Holy Mary centre bead yet, but I'll do it tomorrow. I also made some earrings that I'm kinda proud of... Here are some pics;

Anyway, enough babbling, I'll leave you all with a picture of me and my bestfriend Penny (I did her make up.) at her 21st. Now is this not a tan to die for? I'm so proud of my tan! At least if nothing else is going so well, my vanity and ego is still nicely in tact.

So now that I've uncovered what a jerk I am to the internet public, I'll go to bed. Oh and I'm opening up the domain www.justonelung.com so check up on it, it's gonna have some stuff up there, including a photovault of six million and one photographs of my little Billie. :D

I have arrivedeth home.

Hi folkaroos.

I'm back from Sydney. I travelled today from 6am til 4pm.

Gosford to Sydney Airport
Sydney Airport to Melbourne Tullamarine Airport
Melbourne Tullamarine Airport to Sky Bus.
Sky Bus to Spencer Street Station
Spencer Street Station to Pakenham Station.
Pakenham St. to Sale.

I am going to keep this real short and sweet cause it's just after 3am and I am so terribly tired.

I have something on my mind that I want to write about but, my eyes are so watery tired that I can't even really see the screen. The good news is, is that I'm now using broadband internet. *Kicks away the dial up* and I can say hello to other, wonderful things.... like fast speed internet. Hurruh.

The other thing is, is that I love my little baby puppy girl, Billie. I got home today and she was sooooo snuggly in my arms and I gave her a cuddle and felt the sensation of separation anxiety dissipate completely! Oh what a fabulous feeling. It's so funny to think how attached I am to Billie, and she's only been part of my little family since December, and I just wanna smother her (nicely) every day. :D

I have a great tan and I have a new hobby and hopefully a better and healthier outlook than I did before I left to go to Sydney.

So now I must sleep and adjourn my entry until later.

God Bless every single little soul that surfs on :)

xx

The heat, the heat, the heat!

Hey guys,

I'm not back yet, but I did want to update. I've had such a busy week and a half, but some exciting things have happened. I got to spend the first two days with my bestfriend's Mum, and then the following three days with one of my bestfriends, Valan and Anna. We hung out went and saw Guy, and also I got to see Taxiride live!!! It was awesome, I was so excited to see them (and even video taped their set... naughty, naughty! -- although the lead singer, Jason was well aware cause we kept having these 'moments' ... it's true, true, love.... no really! hahaha.) And then I met Jason ... he was really nice and some people took a photo of him and I together for me, which I will be sure to put up when I get back. I felt like I was 15 again, seriously!

I went clubbing with Val and Anna on thursday night which I hadn't done in so long and it was a lot of fun for various reasons... lol. I went back to Penny's on saturday because it was her party and so we did party things. It was great. We went out to dinner and then went to a club. But seriously, I haven't partied (party is entirely the wrong word, but anyway) this hard in ages, and for about 4 nights in a row we had 4am bedtimes... and it's catching up with me, I tell ya.

Tomorrow I am going home to visit my Dad. It's his birthday and he doesn't know I'm in Sydney so I'm going to surprise him. I have absolutely no idea what to buy him, but I'll be sure to write something all poetic and sweet in the card. Tomorrow night I'm going out with Anna and Valan again and on Saturday I'm heading to someone else' house for a week and then I'll be back home.

Ok, so I have nothing to share aside from that.... I miss all my blogeees so much and I miss having a spare second to read my bible or read everyone elses blogs. :( I'll be back asap though!!!

Take care, God Bless
xxx