Everything I said I wasn't,

I said I wasn't going to go to Sydney, but after the phone call I had with my bestfriend's Mum last night I decided I couldn't under any circumstances miss my bestfriend's 21st birthday. If it were anyone else, it would be different but man, they are so much like my second family and I miss her and her Mum so much and I want to go and spend some time there, as only Christmas night and boxing day wasn't enough.

I made a little bit of money that helped.

So I'll be gone for about a week I guess, maybe longer, I don't have a return ticket yet. I guess I'll wing it and see how I go. I might just stay longer to see other friends too. I'm not sure.

I might update from my friends place. I hope everyone is well and has a Merry Australia Day on the 26th haahahaha.

Take care & God Bless!
Jessy

What I've learned.

In the past 2 weeks I've learned some great things that have helped toward my journey and I wanted to share them. Even if they may seem like the most obvious, things in the world, to me its news! haha. And for all those who helped me with links and readings and just general information, my greatest thanks and appreciation to you! :)

• The Rosary: Despite popular misconceptions, the prayers of the Rosary are mostly all scriptural, and contradictory to what many people have told me growing up, the Hail Mary prayer is actually written in the bible (I think it was the book of John.) Also, that just because there is no mention of the Rosary directly in the bible, does not mean that the prayer is any less important than any other prayers. For example; If a prayer such as, "Lord, please lift me up out of this financial situation and cover me only with your Almighty blessings" is also not mentioned in the bible, does that also make it less important to God? No. The Rosary is not a worship to our Mother Mary, but rather a devotional to her. Catholics merely venerate her, but do not worship her.
• Catholicism is the first and only true church founded by Jesus Christ. Mass was celebrated by every Christian until some 1500 yrs later when the protestant revolt took place. Hence, other denominations were born and each protestant church can be traced back to the original (and human) founders.
• Catholics do study a lot of bible! In every Mass we read from the Old Testament, A Pslam and from the New Testament and we take communion and Jesus becomes one with us. Which to me, sounds like we're having our own very personal and very spiritual relationship with The Man himself!! (I'm very excited by the thought of taking communion, btw!)
• The Body & Blood of Christ is not metaphoric. Taking the blood and bread of Christ (Communion) is a direct order from Jesus. He said "Whoever eats me will live because of me. Also the one who feeds on my flesh will have life" (In John 6:48) and to me and other Catholics, this takes on a very literal meaning. He did not say, "Take this bread and consume it as a symbology of my body, and drink this wine and pretend its my blood." ... His commands were clear and literal. When we take communion, we are taking Jesus Christ in to us!

That's all I have for now. I'm still reading up! I'm sure I'll have some other pearls of wisdom later, lol. But for now, I'm a bit tired and I'm feeling really happy and excited to go to church on Sunday to the new one. :) It's a Sacred Heart church!

For anyone who is interested, I have an unhealthy interest in make up (because it's so expensive and I'm so broke.) and when I feel bored, I play in my make up. (I intend to do make up artistry at some point, when I have the money to enrol in to a course) And then I realized I have a function on my camera that does black and white photos. So I occupied myself for a couple of hours. And so here's a photo of my results -- please note, I would never, ever dream of leaving the house like this. It was just for fun, my interest in make up artistry, is purely for costume and photoshoot purposes! And besides, I never had time or inclination as a teen to go thru my emo phase.

Enough of that. Oh and I wanted to share that I decided not to go to Sydney after all due to finances and all those kinds of "Jess is trying to be responsible" things... *sigh* That reminds me, I have to call my best friends Mum tomorrow to break it to her.

Anyhow, it's time for me to go to bed and read some of my book. I feel so bored cause Sharidan is in Thailand and I miss her :(

God Bless.

PETA investigates MJs place.

Carmel told me yesterday that there was a story floating around about Michael Jackson mistreating his animals cause of a stupid lawsuit.... I just wanted to post quickly for her benefit that PETA investigated his ranch and confirmed that the animals in his Neverland Zoo are being looked after and are in great condition and there is nothing going on there that violates any animal welfare acts...

I bet they dont print that.

:) So, the ol'e accusatory vet needs to go and get a new job and stop blowing all the hot air.

So very tired.

Hello there internet world.

Things are looking up. There's always something brighter upon the horizen. I spent most of my day reading the bible, talking to a lovely man who added me from my journal to his Y! account in order to help me searching for answers to some complicated questions and I learned so much! (Thank you Jovan!) I also embarked on a new little project that is going to do wonders for my journalism practise. Maybe in awhile I'll add the link, but for now I'll just giggle to myself over it.

I had an awesome conversation with someone of whom I had a misunderstanding with at some point last week and we cleared the air and I feel like a massive weight has been lifted. It was all really quite silly and related a lot to this journal, but to go in to it would be futile.

I may have found someone to fix my car at a hugely cheap price -- or if not fix it, he might buy it from me and I could put the money toward a new one. It's funny how when we pray and ask for help we normally get it... and sometimes we don't even realise that we've received. It wasn't til lovely Valan pointed out that suddenly everything is going well again. I was like "Oh yeah! There's something to that."

Praise God.

Today's bible readings and little bit of studying left me feeling a bit smug with knowledge. I get a bit like that. I love learning about stuff. I go through rotating phases. Last time it was medical stuff. I could tell you how the human body works three times over. I know how to pronounce medical diseases and conditions that look like german to read. I could tell you the symptoms, the diagnosis and the treatments. I am an expert at knowing the respiritory system (Goodness knows, I want to make sure if mine was going to start failing, I'd know what to do.) -- and before that I had to learn and know everything I could about World War 2, The Holocaust and the Civil Rights Movement. Who said you learn more in school?

I'm a highschool drop out from 14 1/2 yrs old (Admittedly I did finish hs certification much later, but not the point) and I still managed to learn all the same things my peers did (except maths, I'm a lost monkey there.). Hooray for me. I have a desire to learn about subjects that interest me so strongly that I keep reading and learning til there's nothing else to learn. I'm definitely an all -or-nothing kind of girl.

In other news, I am particularly annoyed with myself because yesterday I asked my Mum if she would drop me off at church which is just up the road. I haven't been to that parish before, but it's so close and obviously she's not going to drive me an hour and then some to my regular parish. She said yes and was fine with it. Mass began at 10:30am. It takes no more than 5 min by car. So, I decided I'd wake up at 10am and leave at 20 past. Well -- my Mum woke me up at 9am to say, "You going to church?" I called out that I would just sleep a bit longer. At ten to ten my best friend called to tell me she was going out with her boyfriend, so I couldn't go ther place. I hung up and saw that I still had a bit of time to get a last nap in.

I slept and slept....and woke up at 25 past 10am. I must have hit my alarm to shut it off without even waking up properly and there is nothing more annoying than having people show up to Mass late, walking in when the Priest is approaching the alter. I hate being late, and I think it shows disrespect (as does not attending at all.) and so I just resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't be attending Mass.

I need to find out if they have other Mass throughout the week. Oh how I wish I had a car!! But do you know what? I think I know why I don't have a car anymore, why the situation occured. I knew there was a purpose -- and I think that it's clear. It's a personal thing though -- but I'm glad that I worked it out. It's all to do with focusing all my faith in God and not on other people around me.

Again, Praise God. I'll be attending the parish close to home for a little while :)

Praise be to G-O-D!

[Music: Only if God says Yes - Yolanda Adams]

I hadn't opened my bible in over a week. I wasn't interested in talking God with anyone, just concentrating on talking quietly to God in my own private time. Even my very bestfriend who at one point was an athiest was sending me bible quotes through text message and I felt that evil voice in my head getting mad at her for doing that to me. Sometimes it's the last thing you want to hear when things go wrong. How selfish.

I had a conversation with one of my other friends two nights ago. She kept assuring me that Jesus will never leave me. Maybe not what I wanted to hear, but certainly the truth. She promised me that things would change, I was just depressed. She promised me she wasn't going to give up on me just cause I was in a bad mood (and man, I so was.) Weird that just a couple of weeks ago she had been complimenting me on how I'd been inspiring her and she was amazed by how far I had come -- I hadn't noticed it myself, really. There's one particular person who comes in and out of my life now and then who makes me feel like I'm under-attack. I get so unsettled and it stirs my heart in a way that I can't even describe. I think that was part of it.

Anyway, I got out my bible and read the whole chapter of Acts 9. It was when Paul (Saul) met Jesus (Caro, you were wrong!!! haha I'll explain to you later.) and I felt even just that tiny bit better. I also got my Idiots guide to understanding Catholicism and read a bit about Our Lady in Guadalupe (I love that vision story, it's amazing and it gives me chills). Before I went to bed, I couldn't really bring myself to do the full Rosary but I prayed. I felt so much better, I asked for nothing but to be able to see with clarity the reasons for everything that had happened through the week.

Waking up yesterday everything felt so much better. My stepfather figured out a way to get my car back here without me having to pay excessive $350+ for a towing service, and so now it's only going to cost around $100 (if that!) I just have to pay the petrol for his Dad to drive out to Pakenham to pick it up for me and bring it back and then for the cost of the trailer hire. Praise be to God for that. I also worked out that I can still go to Sydney for my lovely Penny's 21st birthday and her Mum called me, so I organised with her to keep it a secret that I was coming. :) I want to surprise her. I get to see all my friends and I get to be there for my Dads birthday as well on the 3rd of february. I want to buy my Dad something really special. Any ideas?

Praise be to God for the friends and family who care enough about me to help me whenever things get tough, who never give up and keep persisting to cheer me up and make sure I know they are there.

Praise be to God for making me see that even though my stepfather and I certainly have our differences, he would still go out of his way to do anything for me if it is going to faciliate me in the long run.

Praise be to God for blessing me with all the great things that I have in my life that I am not always so thankful for. Praise God for the things that sometimes aren't so good, for making me see that there are other ways meet my goals, that it just takes patience and persistence.

Praise be to God for showing me a life of FREEDOM for freeing me from people and things that were holding me back.

Praise be to God for showing me I am worth something, that I do have things to offer. I have been thinking lately over what I have to offer other's around me, what I have to offer God. I still haven't come up with anything, but I'm still thinking. If I can't think of anything, then I better find something new and fast.

I want only to serve God. Even when things are bad. I never want to turn him away. Ever.

Take care and God Bless.
x

Such a beautiful disaster.

I removed certain celebrity names from my journal so that it didn't come up in the blog search anymore as it seems that it's impossible to find privacy over the internet (I know it's ironic to say that when I'm writing an online journal, but it's not the point.) and there's always someone who's going to rifle through your private shit irrespective of how that might just make you feel. That's fine. I've got nothing to hide. I thought about closing this, opening to a new URL, but I've made my friends, why should I? I couldn't give a toss anymore, people can say what they want, do what they want, repost it, share it amoungst their little friends, have a laugh-- who cares.

It's no secret the past few days have been beyond dodgy. I've even felt neglected by certain friends which is something I don't take to well to (who does?) but I'm trying to be understanding. The world doesn't stop just cause Jess has had a crap week. Sometimes I wish it did.

My bestfriend from 7th & 8th grade contacted me through myspace yesterday. She was all gushy and sweet and nice. I guess it was nice to hear from someone from highschool. I was such an annoying little pushover before I left school. I used to let everyone treat me like crap. I lost count of the amount of the times I was physically pushed, hit, punched, spat on, teased... and I used to walk away like a lost little puppy and hide in the library. I'm glad that somewhere between 18-22 yrs old I grew a backbone and stopped being scared of having an opinion, standing up to people and not let anyone else's problems with me, become mine. My bestfriend from 7th & 8th was sweet, but we were never really that close, I guess. Still, I guess it was good to hear.

This is going to be a long and boring week. I obviously can't afford to go to Sydney or spend a single cent even on my phone bill. They can cut it off, I don't care. I don't use it anyway. I do miss my Dad again so soon though and Penny. I need a hug. Lots of praying and reading to be done, in place of other activities and I guess it can't all be bad.

Hold me like the River Jordan, and I will then say to Thee
You are my friend.
Carry Me, like you are my brother, love me like a mother
Will you be there?
Weary, tell me will you hold me?
When wrong will you scold me?
When lost will you find me?
But they told me
A man should be faithful and walk when not able
And fight til the end but I'm only human
Everyone is taking control of me
Seems like the world's got a role for me
I'm so confused will you show it to me?
That you'll be there for me
And care enough to bear me.
Show me, lay your head lowly, softly and boldly
Carry me there.
Lead me, hold me, love me and feed me
Kiss me and free and I will feel blessed
Carry, carry me boldly, lift me up slowly
Save me, fill me and bathe me
Softly and say to thee, I will be there.
Lift me, lift me up slowly, carry me boldly
Show me you care.
Need me, love me and feed me
Kiss me and free me. I will feel blessed.

In our darkest hour, in my deepest despair
Will you still care? Will you be there?
In my trials and my tribulations
Through all doubts and frustrations.
In my violence and my turbulance
Through my fear and my confessions
In my anguish and my pain
Through my joy and my sorrow
In the promise of another tomorrow.
I'll never let you part.
For you're always in my heart.

-- Michael Jackson.

Just one of them days...

[ Music: Love's Gone Bad - Jackson 5 ]

Sometimes I wonder what on Earth I'm even here for. I know it's one of those wah, wah pity me things, but seriously. I have to wonder... why hasn't be purpose been brought to light yet? I'm trying, by God, I'm trying.

Here's a nice little ditty for you all (some will probably enjoy it more than others). This morning at 8am, my alarm went off. Wake up Jess, it's time to have a shower and go to church. I go to church about 1 hr from where I live. I like the parish and I like the rev. I thought, well maybe I won't go to church. It's cold out, my bed is warm, Billie-puppy is comfortable snuggled at my back and I don't want to move.

The another voice (could be my other personality, stranger things have happened) said, "Stop being such a selfish, lazy cow. You sleep in almost every day of the week, Sunday is God's day." And so I got up. I had a shower and felt much better. I decided to meet with my beautiful Caro(line) after church as she lives close by. So off I go... Everything was great.

I prayed the Rosary at church today and also last night before bed and felt so thrilled that I'm getting the hang of it (Thanks again Jonathan & Virtual Rosary). It doesn't seem at all confusing anymore. And Mass was great, today is the Feast Of Epiphany and the message really spoke to me. It really related to young people. And so anyway, I left church feeling really happy.

I drove to Caro's. It was around 30 degrees by this time, and I was cooking in my airless car. I picked her up and we drove toward Melbourne. We were gonna go to Chadstone Shopping Centre (the swanky "Fashion capital" of Melbourne ... or something.) for Sushi Train. I was so hungry and so anxious to drop by Sharidan's to pick up my Divine Mercy book. Caro and I were talking about my plans for moving out (she and her fiance just bought a house! How exciting!) and how it would be easy for me to move to outter Melbourne suburbs cause I had a good car and getting to and from a suburbs job would be better than working in the city.

About five minutes post conversation, I felt the accelleration doing strange things. Making a clicking noise when I put my foot down and suddenly I was losing speed and I tried to pull to the side of the road, so I was in the middle lane city-bound on the Princes Highway. If anyone knows Melbourne, its one of the busiest damn roads! No less, at an intersection. My car died. Completely and absolutely.

(Rockin Robin by the J5 just came on my random play list. This song makes me smile no matter the mood. Thanks God, I needed that!)

In the middle lane of a three-laned highway. I almost burst in to tears. I tried to restart it as I realised my car has been stalling a bit over the past few days and I had no power, no nothing. Caro called her fiance while I freaked out as we got beeps from cars behind us (regardless that my hazard lights were on) and cars were still streaming toward us, yelling stuff. I absolutely panicked thinking someone was going to wipe us out. Anxiety is a big thing for me. I don't deal with these kinds of situations very well. Her fiance (Lee) suggested we push the car to the side of the road. We tried, almost got wiped out. Thank God for the three men that all seemed to come running to assist us at once. We got the car up to the grassy area between city bound and outbound traffic. We waited for Lee to arrive. We figured out my car overheated since the water light and battery light came on. Lee came, tried to fill it with water and charge my battery. Still no power.

We called road side assistance and they refused to come because we were not in a safe area. A tow truck came and moved us to a side street. The road side came. My car by that stage was starting again. The road service man added about 6 litres of water in to my radiator told me that I basically had a slow water leak and as a result blew my head gasket. Which basically means I blew my motor.

Isn't that fantastic? Road service man tells us we should be okay to drive it back to my friends place (which is about 20 min away) but if it would unfailingly overheat and if it happened I'd have to stop and let it cool and put in more water. Praise God we got back to Caro's place without it overheating again, but it lost a fair bit of water on the way (1 litre). He mentioned that the towing would be free for 8kms home, but an extra $3.50 for each km after. Isn't it splendid that I live 115kms away from my friends house?

I wanted to cry. God, I wanted to cry so much today, but I saved up my tears, prayed silently for a miracle. The Lord knows I have absolutely no money to my name as it is. $350+ to get my car back home? Repairs could cost anything up to $1000.

So my car is still at Caro's house and I can't keep it there forever obviously, and I also can't afford to tow it home just yet. Everyone was so nice to me about it thankfully. My Mum told me not to worry because it was just a car. And while that's true, my car is my life line. It's my independance, my way to church on a Sunday, my increased chance of being employed... I could go on, but what's the point? It's dead.

I'm absolutely devastated. Other honorable mentions of the crappy day was losing my $50 Benefit foundation and feeling really upset that my stupid pimples were on display to the world (and how fair is that to other people, really? but thankfully Sharidan found it at her house.), the lady on the phone telling me that the train came at 6:52pm, and realising that she lied, so I missed it and Caro and I sat at the station for almost 1, 1/3 of an hr waiting for the next one. Having people staring at me when I sat on the train trying my best to cry unnoticed (even putting down my sunglasses while it was about dark). And I upset my stomach by drinking loads of juice (but it was so hot, I was worth it.) and extreme chest pains from anxiety, throw a couple air-gulping panic attacks in there and on the way home I realised the cross was missing from one of my favourite bracelets. Waaaaaaaaah!

And so the icing on the cake. I love my Mum, I really do. She's always the one that I get in to mischief with, the one that can tell me when I'm being an idiot when I'm panicking about my health or something silly. She's the only one who REALLY gets my sense of humor... but man does she suck at being affectionate or general mother-daughter communication. My stepfather picked me up from the station and I told him what happened civilly and calmly and there were dry eyes thank God, but when I walked in to the house (my stepfather left work to pick me up and dropped me off and went back) I fell to pieces. I walked in to my room barely saying hello and sat on my bedroom floor with my puppy in my lap trying to lick my tears cuddling up to her and sobbed.

My Mum walked past my room twice, maybe three times -- and I guess she would have heard, but still didn't come in to say anything. I have to admit, I waited. I wanted her to come in so bad and say, "I'm sorry you had a crap day." or even just, "Jess, don't worry, it's just a car. We'll work it out." ... but nothing at all. So I went to have a shower and calm down. And I prayed so hard.

I trust God so much, but I hope he understands that I still need to feel a bit sad about it, cause no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop crying until my nose blocked and my headached. In my conversation with Jesus, I told him how I am trying to trust that there was a reason for this, and even if I can't see it right now, I'm trusting... but my eyes may not stay dry. I hope He understands.

So anyway, I went out to get some tissues my Mum didn't really look up. So I just came to my room and bawled more and talked to Sharidan. Sparks (Valan, who posts here at my blog) called me while I was on the train and made me see things properly. I guess the only thing that rang true to me today was that I have amazing friends. But God didn't need to tell me that, I already knew it -- I talked about that with Caro today too.

I know it's a stupid thought, a voice that I should probably be pushing away but in the corner of my mind I keep thinking that I've done something abhorrent that's seriously angered God for all this to happen. A sign maybe, that I'm not supposed to be here in Victoria, that I should get my butt home. It'd be so easy to pack up tomorrow and just go... I can't figure it out. I have nothing here right now. Nothing at all. I thought it was going to be easy. I had nothing yesterday, but today I have even less.

I have a feeling tomorrow I'll be pulling out the comfort foods (that I've done so well keeping away from) and will probably try to avoid everyone until it's absolutely necessary. I haven't done this for a long time, but it's the way I deal with things. Hello Mr. Cheese.

But as my beautiful Valan said, I'll probably feel a lot better in the morning. And well... if not, it wouldn't be the first time.

My first official tag.

This is my first official tag, and the beautiful, wonderful (and not to mention, short), Carmel was the tagger!

Here goes;

What was your favorite movie in 2005? I'm not really a movie kinda person and I saw hardly any at the cinema last year, but I think Hitch and Ray were my favourites. I have a little crush on Will Smith.

What was your favorite book in 2005? I read Emma & Me by Elizabeth Flock which was AMAZING and such a tear jerker, it was one of those twists that you just don't see coming. I burst in to tears in the last ten pages and cried like a teenybopper front row of an Nsync concert. Another honourable mention was My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult, another tear jerker. I seem to like emotionally scarring myself with these kinds of books.

What was your favorite music album in 2005? This will be the second time I answer this. I'm a music whore. (By this, I mean, I buy cds even if I've only heard one song and always end up falling in love w/ it.) I listen to full albums and fall in love with the whole thing or usually not at all. lol. So with that said, these are my absolute faves of 2005.
The Ultimate Collection - Michael Jackson
The Emancipation of Mimi - Mariah Carey
Lost & Found - Will Smith
Axiomatic - Taxiride
What To Do With Daylight - Brook Fraser
Happy People / U Saved Me - R.Kelly
Hurricane - Eric Benet
Breakaway - Kelly Clarkson
& Of course, the never tired;
The Very Best Of Michael Jackson & The Jackson 5.

Did I ever mention I loved music??

Thinner or fatter? Good question. My weight fluctuated all year. I think I'm at least 4 kgs lighter than I was at the beginning of last yr, and hoping to lose another 8-10kgs within the next few months! (No eating disorders, I'm just a little bit overweight for my height! Soccer boy legs and all.)

What kept you sane this past year? God. If it weren't for God and his amazing gifts, I would have been commited by July 2005. Also, fantastic, amazing and understanding friends who helped me overcome all the heartbreaks. :)

Which personal accomplishment in 2005 are you most pleased with? Regaining a friendship with my brother and being close to my Dad again after 2 yrs of misunderstandings and miscommunications. Haha, and *drum roll* holding Michael Jackson's hand and telling him how much I loved and supported him. I'm such a teenybopper at heart. haha.

What resolutions have you made for '06? To watch my mouth and be more cautious of what I say, who I trust and how much I complain rather than being thankful. Also to make a concerted effort to go to church every week rather than just when I feel like it and to lose weight.

Which bad habit are you most motivated to break? Hopefully all of them.

Which resolutions do you expect to keep? Isn't this redundant?

What are you most looking forward to in 2006? My brother's wedding in April and moving out!!! Studying!!! Working!!!

It said to tag three people, but I don't want to bother anyone. And I don't have three other people to tag hahaha.

Vindictiveness

I've never considered myself at all to be vindictive nor spiteful. I have a habit sometimes of being brutally honest but without the intent of hurting another person's feelings. However, I have been known to, on occasion, offend with thoughtless comments or remarks. Once I was naive enough to think that every person who walked the Earth was honest and trustworthy -- but I had more than ample share of reality checks in that department. In most honesty, I don't have a lot of social skills, sometimes they're about as bright as a stump. It's hard sometimes to realise that other people find issues with the truth, that they can't handle when it's shining in their face. As a result some people don't understand me or know how to take it when I bluntly object or contradict them.

My problem also is that I let other people rile me up. Because of my quasi-naivete, people manipulate me in to saying or doing things that they wouldn't have the guts to, just because "Jess is brazen and bold one." Fair enough, that's my own fault. I open myself up to it, people dislike it and in return, I don't appear to be very popular. That's fine, popularity has never really sat well with me anyway.

Sometimes I do feel under attack. I feel like whatever I say or whatever I do is going to taken the wrong way, but why isn't my opinions or ways of expressing them any less important than anyone else? I've seen others with the same attitude, with the same take-no-crap demeanor and earn respect from it. Perhaps it's a bullying mechanism, I should know, I've dealt with it my entire life. I'm 22, therefore, probably easier to push around, to make fun of ... to well, bully. I guess there's something to be said for feeling better, upsetting others.

That's fine. I've come to realise after a history of people's reactions to me is that I'm probably not a "people person", and I'm genuinely okay with that. What I do know, is that I am a really, really loyal friend who would move mountains to be there for them. Every friendship that I possess is strong, intense and based solely around respect and honesty. It takes a lot more than a difference of a opinion, a stupid argument or a blunt remark for me to walk away from a friendship.

I'm not perfect at all. I may be newly religious, sometimes I may cut corners instead of going full force at something, but that's just my human, sinful nature. I am trying my best to be the best person I can be and it's a full time job -- but I make no secret of that. The one beautiful thing about me is my consistency and persistence. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, I have always left myself open to criticism, and let's face it, I've taken it on the chin for the past 17 yrs without exaggeration. That's fine, I see it as character building. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.

I have never been a horrible, horrible person. I have never harboured any kind of spite toward anyone nor have I employed it. I am not vindictive and it is not in my nature and I know only too well that God hates these two traits. I do not ever wish to anger my Lord. I'm not too concerned over what people think of me as the approval of God Almighty is much more important than the approval of those around me. (John 12:37-43) And although I have not been a horrible person, there has always been such a huge room for improvement. Since becoming one of God's Faithful Daughters, my life has improved tremendously. My faults are less (but I still have so many!) and I see with perfect and clear eyes that I was not designed to be perfect and that Jesus doesn't expect us to be.

Praise God for that. I would be in big trouble.

What is important to God is what is in our heart. And again, Praise Him for that because he knows my heart is pure and filled with love and adoration for Him and with the best intentions to always serve Him. I hit many bumps along my path, and sometimes staying on the straight and narrow is far from an artform that I have down-pat, but my intention is there, and I don't care what anyone else thinks except my Beautiful, Wonderful, Beloved Lord. He knows the truth and that's all that matters to me!

So I'm closing the door to another chapter of my life. Opening a new door to start afresh away from things that I felt were weighing me down. Time to move on! I give thanks to my Lord for making me see it. :)

Tomorrow I'm going to ask Fr. Shadbolt if we can organise confession and then I'll start compiling my list! Party in the confessional, people!! I'll be clean! Clean I tell you!

And after that, it could be another beautiful day at Brighton Beach, let's pray that I remember suncream and to leave my idiocy at home!

My prayers to you all, hope everyone is doing very well! :)

xxxx
Jess

Just some passages.

May God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ give you his grace and peace.
- 1 Corinthians 1:3

But despite all the miraculous signs he had done, most of the people did not believe in him. This is exactly what Isaiah the prophet had predicted:
"Lord, who has believed our message?
To whom will the Lord reveal his saving power?"
But the people couldn't believe, for Isaiah also said:
"The Lord has blinded their eyes
and hardened their hearts--
so their eyes cannot see,
and their hearts cannot understand,
and let me heal them."
Isaiah was referring to Jesus when he made this prediction, because he was given a vision of the Messiah's glory. Many people, including some of the Jewish leaders, believed in him. But they wouldn't admit it to anyone because of their fear that the Pharisees would expel them from the synagogue. For they loved human praise more than the praise of God.
-John 12:37-43

The teachers of religious law and the Pharisees are the official interpreters of the Scriptures. So practise and obey whatever they say to you, but don't follow their example. For they don't practise what they teach.
-Matthew 23:2-3

Give thanks to the Lord and proclaim his greatness.

Let the whole world know what he has done.

Sing to him; yes sing his praises.

Tell everyone about his miracles.

Exult his holy name;

O worshippers of the Lord, rejoice!

Search for the Lord and for his strength,

and keep on searching.

Think of the wonderful works he has done,

the miracles and the judgements he handed down.

- Pslam 105:1-5

Lord Jesus,

I ask you to grant me the power to remain silent, to deal with things less vocally and to have the Grace to turn my cheek whenever I feel as though others are being less than fair. I ask you Lord, to also give me the patience and calmness that I need to progress further along on the path of where I want to be with your direct and Holy guidance. I ask you Father to steer me away from sin and temptation and to be able to recognise when I have done wrong.

Amen.

Neither here nor there...

That's the way it feels at the moment. I haven't really felt up to much. My stupid idiotic sunburned body has been aching and I've basically been doing nothing but writing for the past 24 hrs and watching television.

Ho-hum. I need a really stable job and a place to live. :( I keep thinking of all these things that I want to get done, but they all revolve around me moving out.

I've been praying for God to assist me, finding a job in a small yokel town is so difficult. There's nothing, believe it or not. Especially when you have such heavy physical limitations. It's a catch 22. Can't find a place to live without a job, can't get a job without a place to live. Sometimes I feel it would be so much easier if I just hoisted all of my junk back to Sydney and moved in with Penny. At least we could be insane, lonely and lazy together.

And I am really disappointed that I don't have my Divine Mercy book with me. There are so many things in that book that truly touch me. It's made me feel closer to God. I know He's always with me, but he feels especially near to me since reading that book and I love Him so much more.

There's a friend of mine that I haven't spoken to for over a month that I really have been contemplating calling. He's a busy guy, though... I don't want to bother him, but I miss him and he always has something really deep to say that manages to restore my happiness. It's amazing to have such a positive and motivational source in my life, I just wish sometimes it was more frequent. But that's just me being purely selfish.

I guess on Sunday after church I'll go back to Sharidan's and pick up my book.

Keep me in your prayers, party people? I appreciate it so much. I'm off to go and have a little snack. Surprisingly my diet is going well (no, that's not sarcasm.)

Thanks and God Bless.
Jess

So, so, so burned.

I discovered that another wonderful reward of being Catholic is that we are all a celebratory bunch! I went to Mass on Sunday and it must have been the shortest Mass in history, but it was short and sweet and really good. Afterwards they had a sausage sizzle in honor of the feast of Holy Family. (A bit late, but better late then never!) ... Sausage sizzles are fantastic and so is the church that I attend.

The fact that attending and enjoying Mass and feeling thrilled over a sausage sizzle really made my Sunday would probably seem quite dull to so many, but I don't care.

Last night I saw Narnia with Sharidan. WOW! It was awesome! I loved it. I loved the significance of the story and how it can be likened to the Bible. The friend that I went with (of no religion) commented how Edmond was like Judas. I remember reading Lion, Witch and The Wardrobe when I was in 2nd grade ... I think (or maybe 3rd grade) and I remember thoroughly enjoying it. I didn't however, remember the what happened to Aslan (I'm not going to say it because maybe someone will surf on who's never seen it and I don't wanna spoil it lol) and so picture two girls who had been whispering things (quietly, btw. I can't stand it when people talk through movies and you can hear them. My friend and I are considerate.) all through the movie, trying to lighten the fact that we both wanted to cry anytime something bad happened -- all of a sudden just bursting in to tears when Aslan went to surrender himself. Terrible, terrible stuff.

By the way. If at around 7:30 last night, you were at the Jam Factory in Chapel Street, sitting in roughly... Oh I don't know, row H in Cinema 8 at Village and you talked loudly in front of me all the way through Narnia which I had been really, really excited to see-- you are very lucky that you didn't wear my popcorn!!!!!! Please, foghorn, may that be warning (such a scary one at that lol) never to speak loudly in the middle of a serious movie again!!!

So today, Sharidan and I thought it would be a great idea to go to Brighton Beach. I have never been to a beach in Melbourne before (or Victoria for that matter) so we got there around 12 (my first time driving through St Kilda and all those places, too which was a bit scary but I got us there unscathed, without being ploughed in to by a tram - my irrational fear #248934) and of course being the the bright spark that I am, I never took sunscreen. I didn't think it'd turn out to be so hot (after all Victoria has the lamest summers in the entire world. LAME!) but alas, I was decieved by the weatherman and it was actually around 30 degrees despite the blantant 21 degree LIE! Now, I know 30 degrees isn't really that hot, it's just Victorians thinking that they've met with a heat wave (always trying to keep up with Sydney, blast them!) and so, I played along. I sat in the sun with my white flowey skirt, hiking it up to get some sun to my snow-white legs (I don't think they've seen the sun since 1956) and we ate gelato, listened to lame songs on our mobile phones (how funny that even while we're outdoors we're playing with technology. Can't ever go without it....) and read our own respective books. It was lovely. About 2 hrs in to the trip, Sharidan commented on how burned my shoulders were. I told her it couldn't have been from today, since I was burned just the other day-- but no. A burn on top of a burn and bikini line that looks like it was painted on in white paint.

Oh, I can just feel the melanoma gathering under my skin. Splendid.

So finally I decided to bite the bullet and go for a swim even though I didn't have my proper swimsuit or a towel. I decided I'd just go to my knees... but the water was so warm, which was another surprise. So I dispensed of all clothing (except for my bathing suit top, and pants!!!) and ruined my perfectly straightened hair. I swam for about half an hour (alone. my friend wouldnt come in :() and then decided it was time to leave. By then it was about 4 pm and I realised how burned I really was.

So, the 2 hr drive back to Traralgon was fun. I was so burned. My knees especially. I stopped off to buy a bottle of water to rest on them so they wouldn't hurt.

Does the term, lobster mean anything to anyone? Yes. I look like a lobster. Well my knees do. At least my shoulders look nicely tanned. Nothing hurts except my knees, but I know I've got a bit of sunstroke cause I'm freezing cold, but I'm also really quite hot, and I don't know if I'm coming or going and it hurts.

And to top it off, we got lost coming back. I almost ended up in the city and I left my St. Faustina book in my friends bag and she lives over 1.5hr away :( I guess I won't get it back for at least a week or so. I have another book to read at the moment, so I guess it's okay, but I want it back now!

And so that was my weekend in a rather large and rant-like nutshell. I have nothing deep, intense or further to add as I think my brain was fried along with the rest of my body.

It's time to put some cream to my burns and take my brainless, sunscreen-less, idiotic butt to bed. God Bless!

Happy New Year

Man, oh man. I am so glad that the festive season is about to finish.

I'm about to go get ready for church. It's the first time I'll have gone to Mass since about a month or so ago. That's what happens when you get move to the middle of nowhere. You decide it's too much effort to drive to civilisation. It's a wonder I'm not getting around in loin cloths and seashells over my breasts.

I'm seeing a friend tonight and I'll demand we have Chicken Pad Thai from the Thai store around the corner and if they're not open, I'll be shaking my fist with ferver and glaring at them all in an unsavory manner.

And by the way, by 2am last night I was well in bed. At around 2am a barrage of people must have thought it was a great idea to send me New Year msgs. I was woken up about 5 times consecutively to Michael Jackson's voice on my SMS tone going, "HELLO! *clap, clap* GAME TIME!" .... Michael's voice has never irritated me so much. I woke up angry at him.

Anyway, that's my little ditty for now. I'm going to go do my eyebrows so I don't look like a caveman at church. OH and I got so burned yesterday that it pleased me. :D I have a bikini line. Hehehe. I'm going to see Narnia with said friend tonight!! Yay, I can't wait. Let's hope I don't fall asleep. I fall asleep in movies all the time, good or bad.

Toorah, folks, toorah!
God Bless.