Post-Sydney blues.

So... I'm back. We established that the other night.

My time in Sydney was fun and exhausting and I missed Billie so much, so I was really happy to get home. Now that I'm home though, and found my photographs, I feel a sense of longing that I was still living there... I know it's just post-holiday blues, and if I was living there I would wish to be here, but I've struggled with this feeling of indecisiveness for years, and no one can ever really keep up with where I'm really living because I'm always back and forth. You know you're pathetic when you experience occasional moments of disorientation, thinking you're in another house, in another state-- that's been happening to me a lot lately. The other night I got up to turn around and go to the bathroom, but realised I wasn't at my Dads house anymore. (which he's just moved out of.)

And I guess things still like they haven't changed. I've been here for three months and nothing has changed at all, except now I don't have a car and having a job is going to be even more difficult. I thought it would be a minor set-back, but it's been a major one. Money is way tighter than it's ever been, and my responsibilities have doubled as I'm getting older. Responsibilities suck.

I suppose then, there's the element of feeling lonely as much as I hate to admit it. I used to like the fact that I was anti-social, that I shied away from people, but these days I don't really feel too much like that. I like the company of other people, and I am more needy than I really wanted to recognise, for affection, interaction, playful banter... you know, all of that. I'm not even speaking romantically, either, just in general from friends and family.

I try to trust Jesus when I feel like this, to know that whatever is happening is within my plan, but it's really hard. I still haven't had that moment within my faith where everything kind of ... falls in to place. I've had initial revelations where the presence of God in my life could be felt, and still have those instances, but it needs to be more than that. I need to commit myself more than just recognise what wonderful things He's doing for me, whisper thanks and turn my back to him and continue consciously sinning.

I'm reading the Confessions of Saint Augustine at the moment and there's so many questions that he asks to God that I've asked, only he seemed to be more accepting of the answers he pours out over his pages. There's so many things that I've been thinking of confessing, but even when I think about them, I just can't imagine telling another living person the things that I'm most ashamed of. It's stopping me from organising properly to do my confession. All of my Catholic friends have assured me that the Priest has probably heard it all, if not worse, but it doesn't really console me, because it's not me that it comes from, if that makes sense. At first when I gave the idea of confession a thought, I couldn't really come up with anything-- but mostly because I stifle the things that I'm scared of people finding out. Everyone has done things that they aren't proud of, I know...but still... Some things that I remembered / know that I do, are things that I'd never ever want to admit to a single soul.

I'm having problems with self-control in a lot of areas of my life at the moment. I know no discipline when it comes to my body, I succumb to laziness so often and I sink further and further in to a pit of it when I'm here. And it's not that I feel no remorse for it, because I do. I feel so much guilt, but self-doubt, and pre-approved sense of failure before I begin has already set in before I attempt anything. I'll give an example.

An old acquaintence contacted me while I was in Sydney about doing a web site for an up-and-coming music band that are pretty big within my state at the moment. She forwarded me on to the manager of the band. I contacted him and we talked about what kinds of things the band wanted. I had reservations about calling, I didn't want to talk to someone who was going to throw his weight and talk down to me, knowing that I was young and not particularly in a professional environment. I called only because I felt obliged by said acquaintence. So once I was on the phone to him, I took a few notes but before I hung up, I resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't going to do it because it was too much work.

I know that having my name and url at the bottom of a website that would be getting thousands of hits could open up the door to fantastic opportunities in to a high-paying industry, but that excites me none. It's not a profession I particularly want to entertain at all. It just succeeds in making me look more like a band-mole, groupie. I've had enough of that stigma.

So the acquaintence has been trying to call me over and over and I keep ignoring her calls because I don't want her to keep hassling me about it. I know she meant well, but this is also a person who turned my life upside down and ruined relationships with my bestfriends a couple of yrs back, some of which have never been the same since. I've always felt hostile toward her since. I appreciate so much that she thought well enough of me to do the job, but I wish she didn't.

I guess that makes me look and sound really ungrateful, and I guess in a way I probably am. If I was one hundred percent certain I could program a site the way he specified, I'd have no problem accepting it, but I'm not, and I don't know if I'm in the right mind frame to learn. I don't have the same patience for learning computer stuff as I did a few years back, and I really believe she over-estimates my web design skills. I figured they'd want to see a portfolio, which I don't have unless they want to see a bunch of layouts that look like fan sites or trend-whore designs, which would hardly make me look like more of a loser, and perhaps go into Melbourne and sit down to chat with them about it. That, I absolutely cannot do. I don't have the confidence for any face-to-face confronting, 'I'm the boss, and this is what I want' crap.

A friend of mine kind of told me that that's the way it is, sometimes, you just have to deal with it. People talk down to you, you're the minion, theyre within their right, but I strongly disagree. Someone can be above you in title, but no one ever has the right to talk down to you. I used to have great skills at dealing with that kind of environment, but since then, my social skills kind of did a nose dive. These days if someone made me feel even slightly uncomfortable or inadequate, I'd probably just burst in to tears.

So... that's not going to happen. I just don't really know what to say to her about it yet.

New subject. I went to see Walk The Line, while in Sydney with Sheyne, and it was fricken awesome. I loved it so much. It was a sad story, but so great. The acting in it was fabulous. I loved Joaquin Pheonix as Johnny Cash, and I never really liked Reese Witherspoon as an actress (I absolutely loathe the Legally Blonde movies.) but after this, I loved her. The music that was in it was wonderful. I like all that old style music because it reminds me of my Dad, who plays nothing but. I'm really impressed that both Pheonix and Witherspoon sang the songs in it. I got the soundtrack and have been playing it incessantly, and the song "Ring Of Fire" in particular makes me miss my Daddy.

I've taken up jewellery-making for something to do in my spare time (Goodness knows I have so much of it, now.) and I made this Rosary bracelet, which I love to pieces. I haven't attached the Holy Mary centre bead yet, but I'll do it tomorrow. I also made some earrings that I'm kinda proud of... Here are some pics;

Anyway, enough babbling, I'll leave you all with a picture of me and my bestfriend Penny (I did her make up.) at her 21st. Now is this not a tan to die for? I'm so proud of my tan! At least if nothing else is going so well, my vanity and ego is still nicely in tact.

So now that I've uncovered what a jerk I am to the internet public, I'll go to bed. Oh and I'm opening up the domain www.justonelung.com so check up on it, it's gonna have some stuff up there, including a photovault of six million and one photographs of my little Billie. :D