Victimisation.

Let me share something with you all. And especially to you.

In primary school I wanted to be 'normal' like my 'normal' good healthed friends, so I tried out for the school soccer team, the tee-ball team, the softball team, the friggin girls cricket team and I didn't make it for any of the teams because I was a little too slow, I got too puffed out, because oh thats right, half of my respiritory system is missing. Meanwhile, the blind girl in my class had an instant advantage and was a part of every single sporting team. She had advantages by everyone on the team accomodating her including the teachers. She was hideous at sport, worse than I was, but she was given a go because if they didn't give her a turn it would be descrimination. Sporting would have done me the world of good since it was imperative to my health to stay fit and keep active.

I got teased mercilessly thru primary school and it turned physical in highschool and after three different highschools I became so frightened of people that I actually quit. Do you think the visibly disabled children got teased? Do you think anyone tolerated it when they were teased? No. Why? Because it's socially unacceptable to make fun of someone who drools, who can't walk, talk, see, think, or hear for themselves. But it's okay to tease the kid who's less than 5ft tall without too much of a physical disability.

And to the people who went to school with me, it might have been a bit funny and something that they saw happen and never really gave a second thought to, because they weren't on the receiving end -- but let me just be blunt. There were times where I didn't have any clue what I had done to deserve that treatment. I was often suicidal as young as 13 years old because of the absolute bullshit that people said and did to me because of this invisible disability that they could only see affecting me when it came to sports time. And then of course, there were things going on with my health that I couldn't even begin to fathom. Months off school, things that other kids would have never understood, but I got thru it. I'd like to say unscathed, but mental scars are the worst.

I quit school before my 15th birthday. And I became sociophobic to the most ridiculous degree. As an adult, I forget how easy it was for me to want to die much more than I wanted to face anyone. I felt as a result of all of those things, that I was nothing to anyone. I was nothing to society, I was a degenerate who wasn't worthy of being in the company of others and I hated leaving the house. And my friends who read this (who know me in real life) may think I'm being over dramatic, but the only friend I had during those times was Louise, so no one would have any idea how drastic it was.

So basically, I dealt with a whole world of bullshit. That's not to say people don't go thru their own crap, and not to say that I've been so hard done by blahblahblah ... because I hate victimising myself. I know there are so many worse off -- however. I honestly believed that after I left school, I could leave that treatment behind me. That adults outside the school environment would never ever descriminate against me the way some of my teachers had. Wrong. It followed me in to the workplace to two particular jobs.

Then today, I received a letter in the mail from a disability support organisation saying that they are cancelling any further dealings with me as of the 30th of december after a psychiatric evaluation. I am absolutely gutted. They are supposed to help me find work. I can work, I'mnot retarded, I do understand that. I went to them, the right way, rather than cheating the system as most people do. I asked for job seek help. They wanted to assess my disability by sending me to a psychiatrist. This was over a month ago. I had my Mum come with me, because those kinds of things are a little overwhelming when it comes to trying to explain my conditions. We explained that while yes, I could work 15-20 hrs a week, it would be very subjective. I i.e I would need to work in an office, or something that requires no labour. For instance, if I got a job at a supermarket, I wouldnt be able to work for more than 3 hours a day standing up because of my spinal problems. I am also since suffering from major fluid retention in my right leg from spending too long sitting. This also screws over the sitting job.

Basically, my conditions are complete and legitimately valid of this disability support. My GP of 23 years has been a testament to that on two occasions. She has written my illness as deteriorating -- which means over the course of the next few years it will probably get worse. I can't even walk down our 5 steps to the mailbox and back without having half a freakin' heart-attack. I am at a reasonable weight, so I know its not fitness problems. I have respirtory dysfunction so why on earth is that not classified as a disability?

I know so many people who get jobs on the side, paid cash without reporting it to the government and still get support -- yet, I've tried my best to do this the right way and somehow this moron psychiatrist decided that I am perfectly fit to work for 30 or more hours a week. I have no frigging clue how she got to that conclusion. I work for a charity organisation for 10 hours a week (sometimes longer, but no more than 15 hrs) just because I don't want to be labeled as a "taker" -- and because I want to give something back. I'm trying my hardest to get ahead now, to try to do things the right way to get my life on bloody track and they are penalising me for it.

If I didn't go in to organise this job seeker thing, I would still have my disability support and no one would be the wiser, but because I was trying to do it right, they've taken it all. I've contacted my GP in Sydney who they were supposed to contact before making a final decision and they did not at all contact her. So how the friggin hell did that woman come to her conclusion? She isn't a Dr. She didn't send me for a medical. She has had no interraction with my Drs at all, so how can she be authorised to make that call?

Basically, I suffer from the following.
Spinal bifida, Scoliosis, Cardio pulminary hypertension, Hypoplastic left heart syndrome, hyperplasia left heart, portal hypertension, absent left lung, absent left kidney, spastic neurogenic storage bladder, low immune system result of spleen issues that are left unspecified to date ....and so apparently I'm not disabled in any form because, why? I'm not blind, deaf or dumb or have my head sunken in to my shoulder drooling? I hate to sound crass, but that's the way it feels.

And if that's the case, then why did she appoint me to see a disability support liason officer?! How hypocritical. I filed a complaint and an appeal and the psychiatrist is supposed to get back to me within 72 hrs. When she does call me, I will ask her how the "phonecall" went with my GP (as her parting words with me after the appointment were, "I'll get in contact with your GP and we'll go from there."), and when she tells me she didn't contact her, I will ask her under what grounds she made her decision.

When my Mum spoke with my GP she said it was utter descrimination as there was absolutely no communication with her and people have disability support all the time even when they are asthmatics or suffer bloody migraines.

I do feel victimised whether or not I have the right to. It feels like all of my life people have been able to get away with treating me like a piece of shit because my disability is invisible. (Unless you want to count those jerks who went around calling me "no-neck" for the first 14 years of my life. Thanks! You did wonders for my adulthood self-esteem, assholes.) It is so hard to find a job where I am. I have been offered to go on a different sort of support but the money that they will give me won't even cover the rent that i have to pay to my parents on a weekly basis. Do they expect my Mum to support me at 23 years old?

I'm absolutely appalled especially since I see people who milk the system for every single thing that it's worth.

So I'm going to Sydney on sunday to go and see my GP on tuesday and have a full medical and a full written medical statement to attest to the fact that I am physically unfit to work for more than 15 hrs a week unless it is a subjective job.

I've spent the afternoon stressing ridiculously about this, because it really leaves me ina worse off position. I have been so stressed about money for the past few months, but this is the worst time of the year to leave me hanging. I have car insurance, car repairs, a small loan to finish paying, debts just keep friggin coming and I've never been more serious about trying to find suitable employment -- and I just feel like it's been thrown back in my freaking face.

So yeah, I'm back.