I had contact from an exboyfriend... weird. The human, annoyingly, sinful and 'normal' part of me is really happy about it -- sometimes I hold on to things because I convince myself that it's as good as it's going to get... I'd be happy to settle. However, realistically, that isn't at all smart and isn't fair on either him or myself. And also, not necessarily that convenient either. The other part of me, the realistic, clear-thinking part of me just screams, "EW NOT THIS AGAIN! Go and annoy someone else..."
It just makes me a bit sad cos, there is someone that I'm really interested in, who isn't at all into me, and that's fine... but unrequited love is a bitch. I hate having feelings for people. It's so rare, and I find it all so ... strangely private. I almost feel ashamed to talk about it with my friends, as if I should be embarrassed to ever expect someone to share those feelings with me... And usually, when I do kind of bring it up... it gets brushed aside as just a phase... so all of that makes me less inclined to admit it to anyone... bah. Even if this guy showed me interest (which he sort of has) I probably wouldn't ever make the move. If he ever said to me, "Jess, I really like you..." I'd still also not do anything about it and would go so far as to turn him down if he acted on it, cos I'm just far too jaded to go through all the BS again. I hate the idea of relationships.... however, I love the idea of being in love, which to me is ridiculous.
And I hate talking about it even more. With anyone.
Also.. something else that's been bothering me over the past little while... is conversations that I've had with a few people... some not even, necessarily good friends (although also applying to some).. but ... I feel lately like no one really gives a toss about anything that I have to say -- albeit uninteresting, but still, why can't some people feign interest? I know sometimes people prattle on about things that, let's face it, I honestly couldn't care about one way or another, but I recognise that it's something that makes them happy so I really feel happy for them and am happy to talk about their subject, or news or whatever it may be because I see how much it means to them. Over the past two days I've brought up a few different things with a couple of people and ... they've very literally changed the subject without even responding, looked at me strangely, paused strangely and said something like, ".....Yeah so anyway.....*insert their new subject here" .. and that really upsets me, cos obviously I wouldn't have brought it up with them unless it was something that I wanted to talk about .... or if it happens online with friends, they think adding an "lol" and then changing a subject will satisfy my need or want to talk about something.
BAH. Sometimes, I just think... it's so hard for me sometimes to communicate myself, and when it's met with that kind of changing of subjects or little regard, then why do I even bother? So like, if this is you ... and you do this to me... or if you do it to anyone else, try to think about how insignificant it makes a person feel... Whether or not I'm talking about church, God, a new cd, Michael Jackson, work, something that I read or even the bloody weather -- anything... it's important to me, perhaps not earth shattering or exciting -- but even a, "thats cool, Jess, I'm happy that it makes YOU happy even tho I dont really care about X subject." ... I'd appreciate the thought and the honesty.
Bah. Ranty rant rant rant.
I'm going to go to bed and watch either Memoirs of a geisha and think of having my very own chairman, or Finding Neverland and dream of how great it would be to have that kind of escapism and imagination.
Woe is me... *roll eyes*
God Bless.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
That irritates me too, and it happens alot with me.
How hard is it to stop thinking about yourself for long enough to just get through a conversation, before turning it back to you.
I'm tired of having to feel like I have to butt in just to keep finishing my damn sentences. Let alone get feelings involved.
Blah.
Basically, I hear ya.
And sending a hug, hoping you're feeling better. You can always grab me on MSN if you want to talk. I promise I'll listen. ;)
I hope i didnt do it the other nite...if i did (i know i interrupt a lot!) im sorry :(
That happens to me all the time jessy, especially with my brother, who lets face it, can treat me with the smallest amount of respect and still get away with it, because he knows that he's my brother at the end of the day and Im going to love him regardless.. but it is so rude. I hope I've never done this to you. I like starting a conversation by asking the other person to talk about whatever they want first. Sometimes though, I'll be talking to my sister, and she'll just go on and on and on about a subject, and I'd sit there listening and in the end, after about 10 minutes of her crapping on about something, I'd have to stop her and say, "that's great, can we change the subject now?", and she always gets really upset.. but i cant help it.. don't really know how to stop the conversation in a nicer way .. wow, what a tangent.. LOL I'm sure I've done this to you a number of times (interrupted you and gone off on a tangent).. anyway, I love you, and I love talking to you. Im sorry you feel like your friends aren't paying attention to you, but some people just have short attention spans.. in fact, most people do.
Post a Comment