a blog before bed

I just wanted to say that I'm back from Sydney. It was possibly the shortest trip ever. We arrived late sunday night. I fell asleep as immediate as arriving at my aunts. I ate a quick chinese dinner with my Mum at our favourite chinese restaurant and whinged with her about the "progress" that west Sydney is making (It's looking like such a dive these days, seriously. Worse than before.) I saw my brother on monday night and the least said about that the better.

I will say this. I have completely given up trying to understand him or trying to fit myself in to his life, or forcing myself in to his heart. I am also devastated for my Mum who he treats as if isn't even his mother. I'm dissappointed with him as a person. I can't believe the crap he's put everyone through and I'm just tired of hoping and praying for things to change.

Anyway, I started feeling sick on monday during the day, so I ended up sleeping most of the afternoon until I went to the brothers place. I had expected to stay at least til saturday (hoped anyway) so I could see more of my friends, but Mum got a call on monday saying she had to work wednesday. Tuesday I had to see my G.P because of all the afforementioned reasons.

I got in to big trouble from my GP for not seeing any specialists in the past 24 months. (Yes, I grew really careless last yr and the yr before. My only defense is that they were both really stressful and upsetting yrs and I didn't want any extra upset which specialists always seem to cause) so basically, I got a lecture, got told to pull my socks up if I want to keep my health in check. And I got referred to a new cardiologist, respirtory physician, uerologist, gastrologist and finally, praise God, this VERY RELIABLE AND TRUSTED GP THAT IVE HAD FOR 23 YEARS gave me some REAL antibiotics for my skin. Normally I am against taking antibiotics willy nilly but I have tried everything on my face and I'm really scared of scarring. I have enough scars on my friggin body, I don't want them on my face too and so I am so excited to go and start the course of antibiotics and see how I go.

I know that when I was taking antibiotics back in september for my virus my face cleared right up. So, hopefully this will work the same. Meanwhile she also gave me a topical antibiotic (eryacne) so hopefully both will work great together. Heres to a clean face. She also wrote out a 5 paged letter very clearly stating all my illnesses and what the long term effects are and how it will continue to affect my life in the short-term. I hope it will help with everything.

Tuesday I had to have a few tests and stuff and felt even crappier and realised I'm coming down with something. Dad surprised me by calling me on Tuesday afternoon announcing he was in Sydney, so I had Louise pick me up on her way home from work and take me to see my Dad for an hour. Penny, my bestfriend was supposed to take wednesday off work to hang out with her and her mum, but since my trip was cut short, we agreed to go out to dinner at the spur of the moment and Louise came as well. It was a quick night but a really nice night. I enjoyed seeing my Dad so much cos I haven't seen him since early July.

Louise and I took silly pics and had fun like the old times. I just sucked badly at communicating and didn't have really any time to prepare to see anyone like Dorinny who I owe a huge apology to. :( And also, it would have been really nice to catch up with Alynda once again, but I kind of did take it to account that I would be back at the end of the month and would be staying til after New Year (omg! I am going to miss my dog so much) so I could catch up with everyone then. I did consider staying an extra month but right now I am trying to save everything I can and when I woke up this morning I was so sick and just wanted to come home to bed.

So now I have the flu again. I'm not even upset or annoyed by it, I just kind of find it really funny. Ah well. I'm glad to be home again in a way because I love sleeping in my own bed and being in the privacy of my own room. I have heaps of things to do tomorrow tho, so I hope I'm not too sick.

Anyway, I'm going to bed now.

Priests Rape Boys.

O rly?

So, the same disgusting baptist organisation that brings us http://www.godhatesfags.com also bring to us this lovely new website.

http://priestsrapeboys.com

Here's a fine little exerpt;

'Priests rape boys' is an air-tight, three word case against the Catholic church. The Catholic Church is the largest, most well-funded and organized pedophile group in the history of man! (mainpage)

The Baptist preachers preach that "God loves the sinner, but hates the sin." None of these preachers preach against the monstrous sin of the Catholic Church, and none of these churches separates themselves from the company of the Catholics nor warns them about their sin, and are thereby irreversibly and without exception bound for hell! 'Priests rape boys' is indeed an air-tight, three word case against all of the mainline 'christian' churches - their preachers and members, without exception. They are all going to hell! (http://www.priestsrapeboys.com/Page.html)

Wow, and these so called Christians are promoting so much hate, and judgment toward everyone that doesn't belong to their church, are telling us, as faithful followers of Jesus Christ, that we shall "smell the brimstone" and will be condemned to hell ... Would it be right to call this blasphemy?

I'm so disgusted.

Some other links you may be interested in. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQ24gX_dtpE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-in16plR9Jk

I'm shocked that people like this actually exist. I believe in my God as the one and only God, but I also believe in respectful tolerance. This doesn't neccesarily mean I have to accept someone elses views, but it does mean that I have to tolerate them and allow my friends, my family, people I deal with day-to-day the respect to live their life the way they have chosen as long as they do the same with me.

These people are just ... retarded. There are no other words...

Anyway, I'm going to bed. Leaving for Sydney at 5am. If you're one of my friends and you're in Sydney just know that I have no credit on my mobile and no money (thanks Aus gov!) to buy any, so if you want to see me (I don't know how long I'm staying, probably 3-4 days max) give me a call. I'm staying at my Aunts house and I don't have a car and couldn't really care to do public transport, so if you feel like you want to see me you'd have to do the driving. Sowwieee.

Louise and I have made some plans to do Thai (eat it, that is) and take lots of photos! Shadi and I have decided we will be catching up at some point... but I don't know when. Maybe tomorrow night when I arrive and maybe I'll stay a night at my brother's house to see my neice and see how things are going with them.

I'll update this probably when I get back :D xoxox

Victimisation.

Let me share something with you all. And especially to you.

In primary school I wanted to be 'normal' like my 'normal' good healthed friends, so I tried out for the school soccer team, the tee-ball team, the softball team, the friggin girls cricket team and I didn't make it for any of the teams because I was a little too slow, I got too puffed out, because oh thats right, half of my respiritory system is missing. Meanwhile, the blind girl in my class had an instant advantage and was a part of every single sporting team. She had advantages by everyone on the team accomodating her including the teachers. She was hideous at sport, worse than I was, but she was given a go because if they didn't give her a turn it would be descrimination. Sporting would have done me the world of good since it was imperative to my health to stay fit and keep active.

I got teased mercilessly thru primary school and it turned physical in highschool and after three different highschools I became so frightened of people that I actually quit. Do you think the visibly disabled children got teased? Do you think anyone tolerated it when they were teased? No. Why? Because it's socially unacceptable to make fun of someone who drools, who can't walk, talk, see, think, or hear for themselves. But it's okay to tease the kid who's less than 5ft tall without too much of a physical disability.

And to the people who went to school with me, it might have been a bit funny and something that they saw happen and never really gave a second thought to, because they weren't on the receiving end -- but let me just be blunt. There were times where I didn't have any clue what I had done to deserve that treatment. I was often suicidal as young as 13 years old because of the absolute bullshit that people said and did to me because of this invisible disability that they could only see affecting me when it came to sports time. And then of course, there were things going on with my health that I couldn't even begin to fathom. Months off school, things that other kids would have never understood, but I got thru it. I'd like to say unscathed, but mental scars are the worst.

I quit school before my 15th birthday. And I became sociophobic to the most ridiculous degree. As an adult, I forget how easy it was for me to want to die much more than I wanted to face anyone. I felt as a result of all of those things, that I was nothing to anyone. I was nothing to society, I was a degenerate who wasn't worthy of being in the company of others and I hated leaving the house. And my friends who read this (who know me in real life) may think I'm being over dramatic, but the only friend I had during those times was Louise, so no one would have any idea how drastic it was.

So basically, I dealt with a whole world of bullshit. That's not to say people don't go thru their own crap, and not to say that I've been so hard done by blahblahblah ... because I hate victimising myself. I know there are so many worse off -- however. I honestly believed that after I left school, I could leave that treatment behind me. That adults outside the school environment would never ever descriminate against me the way some of my teachers had. Wrong. It followed me in to the workplace to two particular jobs.

Then today, I received a letter in the mail from a disability support organisation saying that they are cancelling any further dealings with me as of the 30th of december after a psychiatric evaluation. I am absolutely gutted. They are supposed to help me find work. I can work, I'mnot retarded, I do understand that. I went to them, the right way, rather than cheating the system as most people do. I asked for job seek help. They wanted to assess my disability by sending me to a psychiatrist. This was over a month ago. I had my Mum come with me, because those kinds of things are a little overwhelming when it comes to trying to explain my conditions. We explained that while yes, I could work 15-20 hrs a week, it would be very subjective. I i.e I would need to work in an office, or something that requires no labour. For instance, if I got a job at a supermarket, I wouldnt be able to work for more than 3 hours a day standing up because of my spinal problems. I am also since suffering from major fluid retention in my right leg from spending too long sitting. This also screws over the sitting job.

Basically, my conditions are complete and legitimately valid of this disability support. My GP of 23 years has been a testament to that on two occasions. She has written my illness as deteriorating -- which means over the course of the next few years it will probably get worse. I can't even walk down our 5 steps to the mailbox and back without having half a freakin' heart-attack. I am at a reasonable weight, so I know its not fitness problems. I have respirtory dysfunction so why on earth is that not classified as a disability?

I know so many people who get jobs on the side, paid cash without reporting it to the government and still get support -- yet, I've tried my best to do this the right way and somehow this moron psychiatrist decided that I am perfectly fit to work for 30 or more hours a week. I have no frigging clue how she got to that conclusion. I work for a charity organisation for 10 hours a week (sometimes longer, but no more than 15 hrs) just because I don't want to be labeled as a "taker" -- and because I want to give something back. I'm trying my hardest to get ahead now, to try to do things the right way to get my life on bloody track and they are penalising me for it.

If I didn't go in to organise this job seeker thing, I would still have my disability support and no one would be the wiser, but because I was trying to do it right, they've taken it all. I've contacted my GP in Sydney who they were supposed to contact before making a final decision and they did not at all contact her. So how the friggin hell did that woman come to her conclusion? She isn't a Dr. She didn't send me for a medical. She has had no interraction with my Drs at all, so how can she be authorised to make that call?

Basically, I suffer from the following.
Spinal bifida, Scoliosis, Cardio pulminary hypertension, Hypoplastic left heart syndrome, hyperplasia left heart, portal hypertension, absent left lung, absent left kidney, spastic neurogenic storage bladder, low immune system result of spleen issues that are left unspecified to date ....and so apparently I'm not disabled in any form because, why? I'm not blind, deaf or dumb or have my head sunken in to my shoulder drooling? I hate to sound crass, but that's the way it feels.

And if that's the case, then why did she appoint me to see a disability support liason officer?! How hypocritical. I filed a complaint and an appeal and the psychiatrist is supposed to get back to me within 72 hrs. When she does call me, I will ask her how the "phonecall" went with my GP (as her parting words with me after the appointment were, "I'll get in contact with your GP and we'll go from there."), and when she tells me she didn't contact her, I will ask her under what grounds she made her decision.

When my Mum spoke with my GP she said it was utter descrimination as there was absolutely no communication with her and people have disability support all the time even when they are asthmatics or suffer bloody migraines.

I do feel victimised whether or not I have the right to. It feels like all of my life people have been able to get away with treating me like a piece of shit because my disability is invisible. (Unless you want to count those jerks who went around calling me "no-neck" for the first 14 years of my life. Thanks! You did wonders for my adulthood self-esteem, assholes.) It is so hard to find a job where I am. I have been offered to go on a different sort of support but the money that they will give me won't even cover the rent that i have to pay to my parents on a weekly basis. Do they expect my Mum to support me at 23 years old?

I'm absolutely appalled especially since I see people who milk the system for every single thing that it's worth.

So I'm going to Sydney on sunday to go and see my GP on tuesday and have a full medical and a full written medical statement to attest to the fact that I am physically unfit to work for more than 15 hrs a week unless it is a subjective job.

I've spent the afternoon stressing ridiculously about this, because it really leaves me ina worse off position. I have been so stressed about money for the past few months, but this is the worst time of the year to leave me hanging. I have car insurance, car repairs, a small loan to finish paying, debts just keep friggin coming and I've never been more serious about trying to find suitable employment -- and I just feel like it's been thrown back in my freaking face.

So yeah, I'm back.

This is it...

I think I'm gonna take a break... I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not...

I'm tired of trying... I'm tired of making the effort and censoring myself because of what a certain couple of morons (and you know exactly who you are) may think upon reading this site. I don't want them to know anything about me. And I certainly can't talk about the things that I want to, knowing that certain people are reading this.

So anyway... I might just leave this journal until my mood changes or my mind changes, as it always does like clock work...

Until then, email me if you want to (soakmesuper at gmail dot com)

Or add me to msn or something.

Bye.

This just in....

Louise and I have just made a binding pact that if Dean Geyer from Australian Idol 4 wins the show, we will commit a double suicide.

If Damien Leith doesn't win, there will be absolute hell to pay! *shakes fist*

Everything is weird...

I had contact from an exboyfriend... weird. The human, annoyingly, sinful and 'normal' part of me is really happy about it -- sometimes I hold on to things because I convince myself that it's as good as it's going to get... I'd be happy to settle. However, realistically, that isn't at all smart and isn't fair on either him or myself. And also, not necessarily that convenient either. The other part of me, the realistic, clear-thinking part of me just screams, "EW NOT THIS AGAIN! Go and annoy someone else..."

It just makes me a bit sad cos, there is someone that I'm really interested in, who isn't at all into me, and that's fine... but unrequited love is a bitch. I hate having feelings for people. It's so rare, and I find it all so ... strangely private. I almost feel ashamed to talk about it with my friends, as if I should be embarrassed to ever expect someone to share those feelings with me... And usually, when I do kind of bring it up... it gets brushed aside as just a phase... so all of that makes me less inclined to admit it to anyone... bah. Even if this guy showed me interest (which he sort of has) I probably wouldn't ever make the move. If he ever said to me, "Jess, I really like you..." I'd still also not do anything about it and would go so far as to turn him down if he acted on it, cos I'm just far too jaded to go through all the BS again. I hate the idea of relationships.... however, I love the idea of being in love, which to me is ridiculous.

And I hate talking about it even more. With anyone.


Also.. something else that's been bothering me over the past little while... is conversations that I've had with a few people... some not even, necessarily good friends (although also applying to some).. but ... I feel lately like no one really gives a toss about anything that I have to say -- albeit uninteresting, but still, why can't some people feign interest? I know sometimes people prattle on about things that, let's face it, I honestly couldn't care about one way or another, but I recognise that it's something that makes them happy so I really feel happy for them and am happy to talk about their subject, or news or whatever it may be because I see how much it means to them. Over the past two days I've brought up a few different things with a couple of people and ... they've very literally changed the subject without even responding, looked at me strangely, paused strangely and said something like, ".....Yeah so anyway.....*insert their new subject here" .. and that really upsets me, cos obviously I wouldn't have brought it up with them unless it was something that I wanted to talk about .... or if it happens online with friends, they think adding an "lol" and then changing a subject will satisfy my need or want to talk about something.

BAH. Sometimes, I just think... it's so hard for me sometimes to communicate myself, and when it's met with that kind of changing of subjects or little regard, then why do I even bother? So like, if this is you ... and you do this to me... or if you do it to anyone else, try to think about how insignificant it makes a person feel... Whether or not I'm talking about church, God, a new cd, Michael Jackson, work, something that I read or even the bloody weather -- anything... it's important to me, perhaps not earth shattering or exciting -- but even a, "thats cool, Jess, I'm happy that it makes YOU happy even tho I dont really care about X subject." ... I'd appreciate the thought and the honesty.

Bah. Ranty rant rant rant.

I'm going to go to bed and watch either Memoirs of a geisha and think of having my very own chairman, or Finding Neverland and dream of how great it would be to have that kind of escapism and imagination.

Woe is me... *roll eyes*

God Bless.

Day Two: Kill Me Now.

I've managed to crawl out of bed long enough to come online and give you all a little wave to let you know I'm still alive. I'm still alive but barely. I have another illness thingo. I could feel the impending doom on monday getting ready to set in. Tuesday came, wasn't so bad but it was just setting the stage for the illness that hit me with a thud when I woke up this morning.

Needless to say I went back to bed and have been there til just now (it's 3pm) Everything is too bright, my eyes hurt, my nasal passage burns and my coughing feels somewhat like I imagine it would be to cough up a cut-throat razor.

Splendid. I have so many things to do and no time to do them cos I just feel such like crap that I want to lie down and let it all pass.

I'm going to scream 'descrimination'

I'm a creepy little fan girl.

I saw/met/talked to/watched Guy Sebastian again on thursday. I think he's nice. He knows my name off by heart. I dunno why, but I'm always surprised. Why should I be surprised? I've talked to him a billion times over the past 2 years and he's been calling me by my name after the third meeting back almost exactly 2 yrs ago.

He did a mini gig and it was brilliant. He gave me a hug and a kiss and I got to have a quick chat. Then again, the same thing a bit after. I don't have any creepy fanatical ideals when it comes to him. I think he's really attractive, but I'm not bursting to have his babies or looking at him in any creepy way -- but he just really makes me smile. I love watching him sing and he's genuinely a really good guy. I guess its hard to come by, so I admire it. It was also really good to catch up with some friends.

I will post some pics when I get them from my friend ... it was such a nice day. A long one though. I got pulled over by the police on my way home for my first random alcohol breath test. It was hideous cos I don't have the lung capacity to blow in to the pipe and they made me pull over and suddenly I had all these terrible mental images of being dragged out of my car and being asked to walk in a straight line while pointing to my nose and the other hand rubbing my belly in perfect unison.

Instead I emphatically denied drinking any alcohol and kept trying to convince the officer that I only had one lung (thus having no proof) and I literally didn't have the capacity to blow in to the stupid gay tube. In the end he let me off and said, "Okay, I believe you..." 20 freaking minutes later.

Maybe I can sue someone for emotional damages and use the money to buy a new computer to launch my own business and follow Michael Jackson to London for the World Music Awards... Oh speaking of fan girl behavior... MICHAEL IS ATTENDING THE WORLD MUSIC AWARDS!!!!!!1 ... seriously. If he sings... I will probably dupe my strides and shrivel up like the wicked witch of the west and begin to melt.

I think I'm going to get an early night. I have heaps of things to do tomorrow. I have Caro coming on monday and I need to clean up and finish my friends website. I'm giving myself a deadline.

Oh, Mum and I watched like 12 consecutive episodes of Friends today. I'm disgusted by my own laziness.

Yuck.

Testimony

I meant to scan this and put this up months ago but I just couldn't seem to be bothered hooking up my scanner and editing the picture and all... but some of you may remember that I delivered my witness before the diocese at the Mystagogy Mass back in june. I was really nervous and all, but it went perfectly well. My testimony was then printed in the July Catholic Life newspaper... and so I figured I'd post it here. I have edited out my personal details of course.

And so have a read if you can be bothered.

In other news I finally think I'm on to something with what I was whinging about last night thank goodness. I'll post more about it later.

The two interviews. Thanks strawberryblue for keeping me in your prayers, I really appreciate your kindness. :) They both went fine. The second was a medical assessment for a specific reason that's I feel a bit private about right now. The job interview was really great and I am really pleased with how it went. Hopefully I will have some work between now and Christmas. Fingers crossed.

I took this following pic of myself because I'm quite a cam whore, and I thought it was a bit funny. There's a whole private joke attached to me living inside of a cardboard box, renting it from a rather affluent friend. lol.... but it's a long joke and probably not at all funny to anyone if I were to tell the story so I'll just post the pic and shut up. haha.