Yeah okay, I'm superficial.

I wanted to make a short post tonight about a good day that I had.

I know this is going to sound really superficial but, I don't mind -- lol. Last Sunday night I went out to It Takes Two again, the TV show. As usual it was pretty fun (it was my second time going) and (theres a big story to go along with it, but later). Afterwards I hung out with some friends and one sent me some photos on monday of our night and ... I actually wanted to cry.

I knew leading up to the weekend that my skin was really bad (my skin is notoriously bad) but I had zits, my whole left cheek was inflammed, red and discoloured and I thought I hid it well with some flimsy concealer I've been using for a little while. Well according to these photos, I was very wrong.

For those of you who are unaware... I'm a bit of a make up whore.... I love make up. But I find foundation, concealer, finishing powder, primer, etc all to be a pain in the butt... However, I really needed to sort that out.

So today I went to the Napoleon Perdis store -- my favourite brand at the moment. I needed a new foundation. The expensive one I have makes me look orange, the MAC one flakes my skin - the studio finish makes me look like my face spent time in a solarium -- blech.

I hate when I get patronised by salesclerks -- and usually all high-end up make-up counter working women patronise me or think that because I go in without make up (so I can test theirs!) means I have never picked up a make up brush in my life. Normally these salesclerks look down their nose at my pizza skin, or they patronise me by telling me, "it's just a few pimples." Right. I had one sales clerk go to apply foundation to my face with her fingers and then pause upon realising she had to touch my skin, then go get a brush (I don't blame her, but no need to be so obvious right after telling me my acne was nothing). And usually I walk out with a product that makes my skin look orange, wondering why on earth I took advice from someone who clearly had her make up gun set to "clown" that morning.

Oh yeah, I went to Napoleon. I must say, it was a breath of fresh air. A nice young and sweet sales clerk came to help out. She must have spent 40 minutes with me. She did my whole face in a foundation that she suggested (using her hands!) she didn't patronise me by telling me that my skin wasn't bad. In fact, she seemed to empathise with me. She chose the best foundation. It's brilliant. I didn't want something that was so heavy that people could see I was trying to cover up pizza on my face. I just wanted something to get rid of the discolouration and make my skin look even.

I found perfection in a foundation stick, "look2" from my good friends at Napoleon. She also gave me a sample of the auto pilot primer and I got a light bronzer. And I know it's so materialistic but I felt so brilliant that I won't have to walk around with this hideous looking skin.

On top of that I've began using my proactiv absolutely obsessively again and the antibiotics. God, please give me smooth skin sometime soon.

P.S I've also began exercising again to get rid of my fat grandmother tankles (tank ankles) -- I need to be less lazy and more active. OH AND I FINALLY GOT MY RENT DVD THAT I BOUGHT FROM EBAY ALMOST A MONTH AGO!!!!!!!!!111

WE'RE NOT GONNA PA-AY, WE'RE NOT GONNA PAAAAA-AAAAAAAY LAST YEARS RENT! THIS YEARS RENT! NEXT YEARS RENT! RENT! RENT! RENT!!!!!!!!1 .... I'm still going to marry Jesse L. Williams & Taye Diggs in the same ceremony before we ensue a lifetime of song -- it's just a matter of when. Taye & Jesse should never stop singing. Ever.

It never ceases to amaze me...

I know I said previously that I came from a really dark and spiteful place outside of my faith, but for some reason, it doesn't cease to amaze me just how spiteful some people are.

I'm a bit strange, I have a really strange sense of humour, I say and do weird and kooky things -- but it keeps me amused and those who care about me find it endearing and don't judge me. Some people, on the other hand, just take it as me being outright weird in a negative, "Omgoodness, I can't believe she's actually doing that... how stupid..." kind of way. Some even look down their nose.

It sort of both amuses me and makes me feel bad. It amuses me because sometimes people can be intimidated by me or they just don't really know how to take me. It's funny because they have me front about backwards, mostly -- and they assume way too much. It makes me feel bad because if something I say or do, isnt necessarily what someone else wants to see or hear, they think it's free reign to be vicious or rude to me. -- Or even spiteful. That hurts especially if I've tried so supremely hard to be nice to those people.

I guess I've always been pretty blunt -- so I'd just prefer if people said things to my face rather than about me. It hurts less that way and at least then I can aptly defend myself. It's not fair to hear third party information.

Speaking of kookiness, I had a funny weekend. Expect photographs tomorrow.

Let's just say, my Michael Jackson action figure met with a bevvy of Australian ... er... talent over the weekend. LOL. And I guess perhaps people have the right to think I'm strange. haha. More later.

Peace on Earth, goodwill to man.

I have a livejournal. I like livejournal. I write more about my daily crap stuff there. I rarely use it much these days, but I was using it for the past couple years. I was reading back through some old posts last night-- I was shocked. Just over a year or so ago I was filled with such shocking venom, my words were absolute daggers in anyone who showed a little concern for me. My entries were filled with rage toward my family, my brother -- my father -- there were countless comments advising certain people in my life to "do me a favour and go f**king die." or to, "contemplate suicide" ... what on earth...

I almost repressed all of those things, I kind of forgot that I used to say them -- not a fond memory, really. I was such a spiteful little cow. I know I've changed. Praise God that I've changed. But I'm also very ashamed. I had a forked tongue and an attitude that superceded my stature. Some of the entries are kind of funny because I never knew a person could be so bitter, but other's are outright illogical and a bit sad. I'm not a huge fan of who I am at this point in my life, but I know and recognize that I'm not entirely worthless and that if God had no purpose for me, then I wouldn't be here -- but everything that I used to post about was just a blatant cry for help because I felt so much hatred toward myself.

I guess I can Praise God that the sins have lessened, the wallowing in self pity has mostly subsided and my tolerance for others has stretched to unforeseen boundaries -- but sometimes when I look back I'm abhorred with the person I've been in the past.

It made me realise that I have a lot more to confess.

Now, in other news... my beautiful boy's mum has been in Lebonon on a holiday for the past month (he's Lebonese) She was stuck in Beirut. She's traveling alone (was seeing friends) and obviously got caught up in what is going on. His Mum is the sweetest woman, who I've met many times (who thinks I'm actually his gf or something. Oh, I wish....). He heard she was safe, but he was distraught, and his mother was very upset and wanted so much to come home. Australia was sending a ship to get 500 Australian's to Cyprus. They double booked the ship and she missed out. They didn't hear from her today, but saw her on the front of the Queensland newspaper :( looking so devastated that she couldn't get on the ship.

So I got a phone call from him earlier shaken and desperately upset asking for my prayers, for his mother and the rest of his family and friends who still live over there. He hasn't heard from his mother still, but we assume she got on the next ship -- the embassy couldn't confirm it for him but just said, "we think so..." so I've tried to console him that that's probably just the case. From Cyprus they will go to Bahrain then home...

I know everyone is praying for peace right now, but please pray for the safe return of his Mum. He's still living at home with her, and his father passed away when he was younger, and he's really scared and wants his Mummy back more than anything. I can't stand to see my boy so upset. I wish I was at home, I'd just give him such a huge hug.

May God touch all the families with his healing and comforting hand and bring peace to those who have lost anyone or who are concerned about missing loved ones and bring them to a safe return.

This makes me realised that we are all not as detached from war as we sometimes allow ourselves to think we are...

Jesus I trust in you.

Certainly the past month has been a test of Faith to say the least.

I know that the Faith in my heart is so strong, but sometimes the dark thoughts cloud my ability to listen to anything but those negative emotions.

I am blessed that my Christian family, although small, is one of such strong faith, selflessness, and much-needed and sound advice.

I've had some news while I was away that I didn't really want to know. I don't like secrets and it's hard to deal with them when you've promised that you will never repeat it -- especially when it's negatively affecting someone that you love so dearly. I needed time to digest it, to comprehend it and to know how to deal with it.

Part of my daily fight with God has always been because I am a control freak. I like to find solutions to my problems, I have issues with sometimes letting go and realising that things are often beyond my control - that God has a plan for all of us and He will do what is right for Me. Rebelling against his wishes, and throwing tantrums when I don't get what I want only pulls me further away from Him.

I go through these motions a lot before eventually realizing that there's nothing to do accept pray.

So that's what I've been doing. I've been praying for comfort, clarity, peace at heart and healing for my family.



Eternal Father,
I offer You the body and blood, soul and divinity of your Dearly Beloved Son, Our Lord, Jesus Christ in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world.

Family. The most important thing.

Despite shortcomings, senselessness, idiocy and outright frustrations... I really love my family and in the end it's all you have...

Despite all that I know, things that might turn me off - secrets that I shouldn't have found out -- things that I can't bare to even think about, it doesn't make me love my family any less.

If anything, it's made me more determined to love them more.

My brother and his wife.

My sister in law & me.

The entire wedding party.

Mum and I, series of silly photos.

My second Mum and my bestfriend - though a massive question mark kind of sits upon that title at the moment.

And so....... that's that.

It's over now...

You knew how I felt and you disregarded me.
You should have known that I built you up and placed such an importance on being graced by your royal fucking company.
-- But yet, here I am, alone; letting my feelings bleed on to this page.

I always make the bigger effort. I extend my arm as far as I can stretch it out to you. You can't even try to meet me halfway?
-- I cry here, alone; estrangement blankets me with the warmth and familiarity of the close relationship that I feel as though I may never cherish again.

A wave of despair now comes and visits but mostly I feel impartial, diffident -- I shrug the feeling off of my back, suround myself with the cynicisim that has replaced my wide-eyed naivete.
-- It is here that I get used to the coolness, sometimes frost, that is coupled with being alone

And I don't even mind.

Filling the void that bleeds a desire to be loved, to be inspired and to gain your acceptance isn't important anymore.
-- It is here that I realise that you can't be important to me anymore.

Just the way I was never important to you.

------

I could do with a some prayers. and so could my stupid senseless brother.

Im in Sydney

And I wish I never came. Clearly people matter more to me than I ever mattered to them. I'm serious when I say that I won't be coming back here in a really, really long time.

Monday, please come fast.

A night of sheer brilliance

Are you down with G-O-D?! Yeah! You know me!!! haha.

Last night was utter brilliance. I suffer some ailments thereafter -- such as waking up without a voice and taking about 3 backsteps into sickness again (great job, lungie.) And yes, I found the spice of life.

C*DB are brilliant. CYM did a fantastic job of putting together such a fun, alcohol, smoke free event that all people could enjoy... I took along Sharidan and we were meeting my friends Jade & Mel there. We got some seats in the front and didn't even have to go early or anything. We had a great spot. We joked about Guy S*ebastian turning up (one of the C*DB guys is one of Guy's best mates & is in Guy's band).

I'm too tired to write up a whole big thing... but it was all for a Catholic organisation and so all the money was going toward that. The music acts were amazing. Israel did a quick set cause he was sick. Jade was amazing (the singer, not my friend) as always -- she was pretty darn spectacular ... Guy S*ebastian turned up as we'd joked LOL and he actually performed which was such a brilliant surprise. I have a feeling that he was supposed to come the whole time and it was hush hush... And can I just say? I am so proud of C*DB. If you're Aussie, you'll remember them. They're such strong-faithed, talented, exceptional musicians. It's been I think, 7 or 8 yrs since they were together last and they did this set ... with the same choreography, the same moves, the same energy and the same emotion ... They were so good. I see one of the guys a lot because along with the fact that he's with Guy often on tours and stuff, he's also someone that I've had the pleasure of getting to know through my faith. I remember him from his energetic C*DB days, but I'm really not used to seeing that type of performance from him at 30 something yrs old. I was so stunned. It was great. (I'm still stunned LOL) They sang some of my favourites (yes, including Let's Groove & Good times) but my fave was an acapella of a gospel song "Something Within Me" ...

Anyway, I'll cut to the chase with some photos before I go off to bed cause I'm gonna go do some work at St. Vinnies early in the morning...


Ready to go!


Sharidan and I, just before the doors opened.


Guy draws the raffle!


CD*B! YAY -- Gary, Brad, Jude (dunno where Danny is hiding)


Brad jammin' hard core! He's such a squishy one.


Danny hiding again behind Jude, Gary & Brad, cutting it up!!!


Homie G singing one of the classics. He's so talented, this guy. He writes brilliant songs, he has a killer falsetto, he's one of the most faithful Christian's I've ever met and I really, really look up to him. He's such a good person.


Here's my home-skillet G and I one of the first times I ever met him. Now we're like old homies from across thew way. (I'm unrelated I know, but when I was uploading the other pics, I found this one in my photobucket.) He's a great help when it comes to understanding some hideously confusing questions and dilema's concerning faith & is just really quite kind and warm-hearted.


This is after the show with my friends, Mel and Jade. :D


And me, before I went to bed with my new set of bi-focals. How gangsta am I?! For realz, homes!

Israel had us throw our peace signs up last night, and let me tell you -- I felt richer with gangsta for it. Nothing like watching 100 or so people throw their arms up out of sync, throwing them back and forth, most out of rhythm -- its a wonder no one got killed LOL.

Anyway, had a great night. The atmosphere was great, the Praise was great, all artists were brilliant, including the cameo of Guy and I had heaps of fun :) If you're wondering why I starred out some names, it's because of the google blog search -- I don't people to find my journal. Sometimes I like to be a bit private here.

Anyhoozle. That's all for now. I need to get some rest and work for a couple hours in the morning. I hope I have a voice.

I'M DOWN WITH G-O-D!!!!!!!!!!1111

One Night Only

Catholic Youth Ministry, Melbourne.

Should be fun. Israel is recent musical love. & Jade M*acrae is my platonic girlfriend LOL. And C*DB are a bunch of great, musically talented boys. Will come back with a report as to how it went.

xox