Ash Wednesday Mass was beautiful. It was a beautiful and reverent service. There was plenty of time for silent reflection and prayer. I remember a lot of Mass that I went to leading up to my confirmation last year as being just a little daunting with the constant whispers in my ear telling me I was making the wrong decision and Catholicism was just "works" and not enough "faith" (LOL!) ... I followed through with it though despite what everyone else around me tried to suggest because I felt like I was being guided to the Truth.
I don't regret a single moment. In fact, I have become, over the past four or five months, very rich in faith. I am growing strong and more amazed by God every single day. I have been given the most amazing graces over the last year that one could not just put down to coincidence or fate. God is with me every single moment, I feel Him, I hear Him, and I see Him through other people's actions and other people's works... And I pray every day for God to use my voice to speak, to use my mind to help me consider and think purely and graciously, I ask Him to use my body to show me where He wants me to be, to move, to act -- and to hold my hand, to guide me and to never let me leave Him (I know it will never be Him to let go and walk away, but me, letting go of His Holy Hand and stepping off path.)
I spoke the other day of my car dying. I was upset about this, but I kind of expected it for awhile. I did however pray for a resolution to the new problem I'd been presented with (how will I get around, now?) I asked for God to do as He saw fit with my situation, to take the concern and worry from my mind and just keep me motivated and faithful that a better plan is ahead.
No joke, after Mass my Mum picked me up and we went to the mechanic to see what was going on with my car. Basically my car is ready for car heaven. He offered me $1000 for it (for parts) and then said he had been working on a different car (and showed us) and offered to take my car in return for the car he was going to sell, and I would pay him the difference of $1000. The new car is 1000x better than my car. He also offered a 6 month warranty and is going to make it 100% roadworthy. It has a nice, clean interior (man, I really should take photos of what the inside my pigstye of a car looks like! LOL! It's such a trash bag). It has air conditioning (woo!) new tyres, a 6 cd stacker (we know how much I love my music), it has power steering, it goes well on fuel, it has secure locks, an alarm, etc... There is nothing mechanically wrong with it and if we have any problems with it, he promised that he would repair it free of charge.
He is doing this because he just spent awhile repairing my car (after a different mechanic took $1100 from me to repair it, and it broke down just 2 months later) and feels terrible about it and so he's going to do this just to help out as much as he can. The reason I came to know this man was because he knocked on our door with a car problem and needed to use something from my car in order to get his going -- and I decided to help him just on face value. I decided that if the situation was reversed, I'd want someone to help me ...
So... here we are. I should have the car in about 4 days. Also I have a whole heap of data entry work coming up which should pay for a chunk of it. The rest is being advanced to me from my Mum and my stepfather.
Thank You Jesus.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Bah humbug.
When bad things happen, I always avoid facing them. I pretend that they haven't happened. If it's something that I will have to inevitably face, I'll wait til the very last second to start thinking about it.
Today my car died again. I had a feeling something was wrong with it when I drove it home yesterday. It sounded funny, and tonight I felt like something from the supermarket so I got in and listened to it for a few moments and it sounded dodgy, and I drove about 200 meters down the street and the oil light started flashing and a weird smell came from under the bonnet. I pulled over immediately and called my Mum. She sent my stepfather to come and have a look, and indeedy there was a problem, a long trail of oil streaming out from beneath it. So now once again, I am without transport.
I don't want to think about it, and obviously it's inevitable since I have classes at 9am tomorrow morning. My Dad just sent me $150 to help me with some books and things for classes, but besides that I'm pretty much dirt broke. I have no money to fix the car, no money to find another car and absolutely no other options. The way the oil is streaming from my car makes me think it's probably something pretty dire.
I'm a little bit sad I guess cos everything has been going so wonderfully lately and I know that we always have these little things to test us, but this is a pretty big deal. I was so used to having my independance back, and just in the middle of saving up for insurance coverage and wahhhh. Something else that I need to spend my money on. It's just a bit depressing. I feel like I have way more than I can handle right now in terms of debt.
I guess I'll let my Mum contact the mechanic and see what he says. I need to just pray that it's nothing too huge and can be easily fixed, because I really need my transport right now. :(
God Bless,
Jess
Today my car died again. I had a feeling something was wrong with it when I drove it home yesterday. It sounded funny, and tonight I felt like something from the supermarket so I got in and listened to it for a few moments and it sounded dodgy, and I drove about 200 meters down the street and the oil light started flashing and a weird smell came from under the bonnet. I pulled over immediately and called my Mum. She sent my stepfather to come and have a look, and indeedy there was a problem, a long trail of oil streaming out from beneath it. So now once again, I am without transport.
I don't want to think about it, and obviously it's inevitable since I have classes at 9am tomorrow morning. My Dad just sent me $150 to help me with some books and things for classes, but besides that I'm pretty much dirt broke. I have no money to fix the car, no money to find another car and absolutely no other options. The way the oil is streaming from my car makes me think it's probably something pretty dire.
I'm a little bit sad I guess cos everything has been going so wonderfully lately and I know that we always have these little things to test us, but this is a pretty big deal. I was so used to having my independance back, and just in the middle of saving up for insurance coverage and wahhhh. Something else that I need to spend my money on. It's just a bit depressing. I feel like I have way more than I can handle right now in terms of debt.
I guess I'll let my Mum contact the mechanic and see what he says. I need to just pray that it's nothing too huge and can be easily fixed, because I really need my transport right now. :(
God Bless,
Jess
Friday, February 16, 2007
Sunday Scribbling: Crush #47
I've never been the type of girl that falls in love, falls in lust, falls in crushhood too easily. I joke about having celebrity crushes -- but even those crushes have all had so much in common. The celebrity crushes I hold consist of good-hearted, good-spirited, good-natured, caring, positive role models, possibly for myself and/or people who don't want to worship your regular Britney Spears and Paris Hiltons.
When I do feel like I have a crush on someone, I don't ever make a big deal of it. I get through it, I realise that most crushes are usually temporary and usually the fantasy is better than the reality so I leave it at that. Falling in love with someone is completely different -- when a crush blooms to love (which has only ever happened twice for me) I don't really know what to do about it. I am not the proactive kind of girl who enjoys the chase as much as the catch; I like to sit back and brood over it. I've only ever once told a boy how I felt about him, and that was met with extreme ridicule and I never ever did it again.
My ex boyfriends both made the first steps and admitted their feelings for me and I reciprocated both times. It worked well.
Quite a few years ago I met a boy, back in 2002 -- he and I shared the same interests the same everything for so long. I had a crush on him so deeply and I know he had somewhat of an interest in me, but I never knew how to act on it. He was a deeply religious guy, we used to talk on the phone for hours and hours and I convinced myself that no boy would want to chat to me for that long unless there were some kind of reciprocal feelings. I am a hopeless flirt -- I can't do it, I can't read flirting and it makes me highly uncomfortable when someone does flirt with me. He spent a lot of time with me, telling me his insecurities, his loves, his fears, his hopes and dreams and I was completely taken by him.
But, I just could never tell him how I felt. So many times I began writing a letter, so many times I began writing emails. Sometimes I even tried to bait him to know how he regarded me. Through the process of our ... friendship, might I call it ... he became even more religious, which at the time, I was sort of clinging to because I had a lot of things going on and his spiritual talks kind of comforted me in a backhanded way. (I just didn't know it at the time.) But one time he said something in regards to God that really freaked me out (which when I think about it now is laughable, cos it wasnt in the least bit scary.) and I stopped calling him as often and our conversations ceased to almost nothing.
I realised shortly after, that I really missed him. I spent a lot of time crying over him and in 2004 we were back to being friends again. I invited him to my 21st birthday party and he promised he would come. He called me on my actual birthday, and he said he was coming to my party. I hadn't seen him for a really long time and I was really holding on to it with everything. I had it all worked out in my head that I would totally be ready to tell him my feelings. He text msged me the night before asking if it was okay if he brought someone with him and I said it was. But I realised it was probably going to be a girl. I was devastated over it but kind of shrugged it off and tried to convince myself that I'd have a good time anyway and it would be nice to see him -- but then, he just never turned up.
He never apologised, never contacted me, never even told me why. I didn't hear from him again until I got back from the USA in May 2005. We talked briefly, and have sent very few text msgs since.
On my 23rd bday last year, he sent me a text... and I started thinking about him again... I called him not long after... obviously a lot of things have happened in between then and now, and I am very much over him (despite the fact that it took a really long time. I never quite forgave him for the 21st bday incident, I was a little heartbroken). I told him how I used to feel and told him how disappointed I had been in him for forgetting me and sending me pathetic txt msgs once in awhile that he didn't even respond to ("Hi how are you?" "OMG!!! SO GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU *pants like a stupid naive puppy and wags stupid tail* HOW ARE U!! I Am GOOD!!! Tell me what youve been up to!!!!" "Cool. Good to hear you are well" WHAT THE HECK MAN!!!!) .. He tells me he never had any idea but I think that's an excuse.
And so I don't bother really with silly crushes, cos you always get your feelings hurt, really -- or they are as fleeting as the giddy rush you feel when you talk to your (in)significant other. I hate the effect being in love or having a crush has on me, it's almost a loss of control and a loss of reign on your emotions and I'd prefer not to feel like that.
I'll keep my crappy celebrity boyfriends, thanks!
http://sundayscribblings.blogspot.com
When I do feel like I have a crush on someone, I don't ever make a big deal of it. I get through it, I realise that most crushes are usually temporary and usually the fantasy is better than the reality so I leave it at that. Falling in love with someone is completely different -- when a crush blooms to love (which has only ever happened twice for me) I don't really know what to do about it. I am not the proactive kind of girl who enjoys the chase as much as the catch; I like to sit back and brood over it. I've only ever once told a boy how I felt about him, and that was met with extreme ridicule and I never ever did it again.
My ex boyfriends both made the first steps and admitted their feelings for me and I reciprocated both times. It worked well.
Quite a few years ago I met a boy, back in 2002 -- he and I shared the same interests the same everything for so long. I had a crush on him so deeply and I know he had somewhat of an interest in me, but I never knew how to act on it. He was a deeply religious guy, we used to talk on the phone for hours and hours and I convinced myself that no boy would want to chat to me for that long unless there were some kind of reciprocal feelings. I am a hopeless flirt -- I can't do it, I can't read flirting and it makes me highly uncomfortable when someone does flirt with me. He spent a lot of time with me, telling me his insecurities, his loves, his fears, his hopes and dreams and I was completely taken by him.
But, I just could never tell him how I felt. So many times I began writing a letter, so many times I began writing emails. Sometimes I even tried to bait him to know how he regarded me. Through the process of our ... friendship, might I call it ... he became even more religious, which at the time, I was sort of clinging to because I had a lot of things going on and his spiritual talks kind of comforted me in a backhanded way. (I just didn't know it at the time.) But one time he said something in regards to God that really freaked me out (which when I think about it now is laughable, cos it wasnt in the least bit scary.) and I stopped calling him as often and our conversations ceased to almost nothing.
I realised shortly after, that I really missed him. I spent a lot of time crying over him and in 2004 we were back to being friends again. I invited him to my 21st birthday party and he promised he would come. He called me on my actual birthday, and he said he was coming to my party. I hadn't seen him for a really long time and I was really holding on to it with everything. I had it all worked out in my head that I would totally be ready to tell him my feelings. He text msged me the night before asking if it was okay if he brought someone with him and I said it was. But I realised it was probably going to be a girl. I was devastated over it but kind of shrugged it off and tried to convince myself that I'd have a good time anyway and it would be nice to see him -- but then, he just never turned up.
He never apologised, never contacted me, never even told me why. I didn't hear from him again until I got back from the USA in May 2005. We talked briefly, and have sent very few text msgs since.
On my 23rd bday last year, he sent me a text... and I started thinking about him again... I called him not long after... obviously a lot of things have happened in between then and now, and I am very much over him (despite the fact that it took a really long time. I never quite forgave him for the 21st bday incident, I was a little heartbroken). I told him how I used to feel and told him how disappointed I had been in him for forgetting me and sending me pathetic txt msgs once in awhile that he didn't even respond to ("Hi how are you?" "OMG!!! SO GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU *pants like a stupid naive puppy and wags stupid tail* HOW ARE U!! I Am GOOD!!! Tell me what youve been up to!!!!" "Cool. Good to hear you are well" WHAT THE HECK MAN!!!!) .. He tells me he never had any idea but I think that's an excuse.
And so I don't bother really with silly crushes, cos you always get your feelings hurt, really -- or they are as fleeting as the giddy rush you feel when you talk to your (in)significant other. I hate the effect being in love or having a crush has on me, it's almost a loss of control and a loss of reign on your emotions and I'd prefer not to feel like that.
I'll keep my crappy celebrity boyfriends, thanks!
http://sundayscribblings.blogspot.com
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Oh, Happy Day!
I am really full of joy. I know that this may sound a little strange, but I want to talk about it anyway. My diary is packed, and I mean, I have no time for anything but strangely this is a really satisfying thing. For the past few years I have really been yearning to be so busy that I would not have a single moment to myself. That I would either be studying and/or working and going out with friends and keeping up to date with responsibilities. That time is finally here.
I have been at school five days a week (it's full time, 9am til 3:30pm) for the past 2 weeks. I have assignments, I have practical work to start next week where I am required to spend the day with a 2 year old little boy to play and observe and to get started on my year's major assessment. I have lots of text book readings. I have web design jobs (yes, plural!) I have paid data entry work to get started on this weekend (I was given tomorrow off since there was a mess up in my time table, yay!). I have RCIA meetings once again as of next wednesday night. I am interested in starting some new volunteer work (but I will wait for another month just until everything settles) and I've got all my weekends booked until the middle of march. (I have kept this weekend free because I may need to arrange to meet with a woman from church and help her with her computer issues and also my car need some more repairs which thankfully has been paid in advance.)
I am absolutely loving my course thusfar. We are delving in to a bit of child psych and my text book isnt nearly as dry as I expected it to be. I have started realising little things about myself and my own childhood and experiences that shaped the way I am now. I am truly thankful to God because I trusted in Him and persisted in prayer for the past year and a half for Him to continue to guide me where it was that He wanted for me to be ... and never in a million years did I expect that I would be some day working with children... but here I am. And I love it and I know I will be great at my job and I am really excited about becoming a professional. I never thought I would be so excited about this either, which is weird -- cos I'm usually not the enthusiastic kind.
I have been at school five days a week (it's full time, 9am til 3:30pm) for the past 2 weeks. I have assignments, I have practical work to start next week where I am required to spend the day with a 2 year old little boy to play and observe and to get started on my year's major assessment. I have lots of text book readings. I have web design jobs (yes, plural!) I have paid data entry work to get started on this weekend (I was given tomorrow off since there was a mess up in my time table, yay!). I have RCIA meetings once again as of next wednesday night. I am interested in starting some new volunteer work (but I will wait for another month just until everything settles) and I've got all my weekends booked until the middle of march. (I have kept this weekend free because I may need to arrange to meet with a woman from church and help her with her computer issues and also my car need some more repairs which thankfully has been paid in advance.)
I am absolutely loving my course thusfar. We are delving in to a bit of child psych and my text book isnt nearly as dry as I expected it to be. I have started realising little things about myself and my own childhood and experiences that shaped the way I am now. I am truly thankful to God because I trusted in Him and persisted in prayer for the past year and a half for Him to continue to guide me where it was that He wanted for me to be ... and never in a million years did I expect that I would be some day working with children... but here I am. And I love it and I know I will be great at my job and I am really excited about becoming a professional. I never thought I would be so excited about this either, which is weird -- cos I'm usually not the enthusiastic kind.
And it's interesting to learn and find out that the judgement that kids make upon each other isn't at all their own, it's more directed from the things around them what they pick up from their primary influences and after looking closely at children's developmental profiles I kind of recognise that children who say nasty things don't at all ever understand the ramifications of their words... I really believe that understanding that will be able to undo some of the grudges I've kept close to me for a really long time about certain people for certain reasons.
Anyhow, I've been watching, seeing, talking about and thnking constantly about children. I'm currently reading this book called understanding children, which I am finding fascinating. I've learned a lot in such little time. I have a feeling this year is going to fly.
Another amazing thing that happend to me last night / today was that I got a couple of messages from this awesome hip/hop /R&B singer that I have really loved since I was about 14 or 15. He left me a valentines message and another few comments on something else. I was pretty darn stoked!! It made my night/morning (I say night/morning cos I saw the first msg before I went to bed and more when I woke up.). I am such a lucky & blessed girl. :D
I need to go to bed now because it's 10:30 and I am exhausted (seriously, I've turned in to such a grandma, but I know I could never function on five hrs sleep these days.)
"Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." - Matthew 19:14
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
My Mum.
Every day my Mum makes me two sandwiches to take with me to school so I don't have to spend any money on anything at the disgusting cafe where the only healthy thing they seem to sell is salad rolls which are so much more fresh and enjoyable if you just made one at home.
Anyhow, I think it's a really sweet gesture since I don't even ask for it. :)
God Bless.
Anyhow, I think it's a really sweet gesture since I don't even ask for it. :)
God Bless.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Our Lady Of Lourdes
In 1858, in the grotto of Massabielle, near Lourdes in southern France, Our Lady appeared 18 times to Bernadette Soubirous, a young peasant girl.
She revealed herself as the Immaculate Conception, asked that a chapel be built on the site of the vision, and told the girl to drink from a fountain in the grotto. No fountain was to be seen, but when Bernadette dug at a spot designated by the apparition, a spring began to flow. The water from this still flowing spring has shown remarkable healing power, though it contains no curative property that science can identify.
(I wanted to post this yesterday, but unfortunately I couldn't log in!!)
I've had a nice weekend. On Sunday I went to a beautiful Mass. You know when there are just some services where you walk out feeling really fulfilled? This weeks Mass was that for me. I was early for once (I'm not usually late, but I normally sit just before Mass begins -- but this week I was almost 25 minutes early) so I had plenty of time for reflection and prayer. Afterwards I met a nice man who introduced himself. We got talking briefly and decided we'd talk more soon. He is a former Jehovah's Witness who is eager to learn more about Catholicism, attend Mass and maybe go through the RCIA program.
After Mass, a lady from my congregation wondered if I could help her learn to use Email and the internet since she is 78 and was having some problems remembering what to do. Despite the fact that I had a lot to do, I figured it would be nice for us both to get together and so I opted to drive over after Mass and help her out. I intended on staying for just an hour or so, but I didn't end up getting home until almost 5:30pm. I didn't really mind at all, she's very sweet and very typically old. She is the second person that I met from my church congregation and has really gone out of her way to help me in every way that she can, so I really felt like it would do me no harm to extend some help.
After I showed her as best as I could how to send emails, she wanted to show me photographs and magazines and things and relayed stories of her Pilgramages through Europe and it was very interesting actually. She showed me a couple of recent brochures about Pilgramage trips and how they work and it left me with a huge, "hmmm" feeling. It might be something I could consider in the future. So many beautiful places to visit.
I kind of punked out on asking my Dad for some financial help because... I hate asking for starters, and secondly, I know my Dad isn't in the best financial position at the moment. I basically just need help paying for my text books, but thankfully, my friend gave me some data entry work that will make me some money ASAP and I have that aforementioned web design job coming up. I am really all over the place financially at the moment, but I'll pray for something to come my way.
Also, gosh, although I'm very organised, I am so bad with time management. Like, chronically bad. I find it so easy to procrastinate even the simplest things. I have had so much to do this weekend like I said. I needed to do some reading of the textbook that I did manage to buy and I needed to clean and do laundry, and start some of this data entry. I needed to update a website that I haven't really spent a lot of time on for a bit. I also really wanted to make some time to do some of my own leisure reading -- and I got the majority of it finished late this afternoon, but there's still the reading, and the data entry that needs to be done.
I need to find the kind of peace where I can't be distracted. And you know, I'm not at all the busiest person at all, I just know how to waste time very, very well. Does anyone have any tips for me as to how to get around being so distracted and procrastinating?? It will be the end of me as I know it! haha.
P.S The Guy Sebastian concert at Crown Casino last weekend was absolutely amazing! I had the greatest time all weekend.
She revealed herself as the Immaculate Conception, asked that a chapel be built on the site of the vision, and told the girl to drink from a fountain in the grotto. No fountain was to be seen, but when Bernadette dug at a spot designated by the apparition, a spring began to flow. The water from this still flowing spring has shown remarkable healing power, though it contains no curative property that science can identify.
(I wanted to post this yesterday, but unfortunately I couldn't log in!!)
I've had a nice weekend. On Sunday I went to a beautiful Mass. You know when there are just some services where you walk out feeling really fulfilled? This weeks Mass was that for me. I was early for once (I'm not usually late, but I normally sit just before Mass begins -- but this week I was almost 25 minutes early) so I had plenty of time for reflection and prayer. Afterwards I met a nice man who introduced himself. We got talking briefly and decided we'd talk more soon. He is a former Jehovah's Witness who is eager to learn more about Catholicism, attend Mass and maybe go through the RCIA program.
After Mass, a lady from my congregation wondered if I could help her learn to use Email and the internet since she is 78 and was having some problems remembering what to do. Despite the fact that I had a lot to do, I figured it would be nice for us both to get together and so I opted to drive over after Mass and help her out. I intended on staying for just an hour or so, but I didn't end up getting home until almost 5:30pm. I didn't really mind at all, she's very sweet and very typically old. She is the second person that I met from my church congregation and has really gone out of her way to help me in every way that she can, so I really felt like it would do me no harm to extend some help.
After I showed her as best as I could how to send emails, she wanted to show me photographs and magazines and things and relayed stories of her Pilgramages through Europe and it was very interesting actually. She showed me a couple of recent brochures about Pilgramage trips and how they work and it left me with a huge, "hmmm" feeling. It might be something I could consider in the future. So many beautiful places to visit.
I kind of punked out on asking my Dad for some financial help because... I hate asking for starters, and secondly, I know my Dad isn't in the best financial position at the moment. I basically just need help paying for my text books, but thankfully, my friend gave me some data entry work that will make me some money ASAP and I have that aforementioned web design job coming up. I am really all over the place financially at the moment, but I'll pray for something to come my way.
Also, gosh, although I'm very organised, I am so bad with time management. Like, chronically bad. I find it so easy to procrastinate even the simplest things. I have had so much to do this weekend like I said. I needed to do some reading of the textbook that I did manage to buy and I needed to clean and do laundry, and start some of this data entry. I needed to update a website that I haven't really spent a lot of time on for a bit. I also really wanted to make some time to do some of my own leisure reading -- and I got the majority of it finished late this afternoon, but there's still the reading, and the data entry that needs to be done.
I need to find the kind of peace where I can't be distracted. And you know, I'm not at all the busiest person at all, I just know how to waste time very, very well. Does anyone have any tips for me as to how to get around being so distracted and procrastinating?? It will be the end of me as I know it! haha.
P.S The Guy Sebastian concert at Crown Casino last weekend was absolutely amazing! I had the greatest time all weekend.
Until later,
God Bless!
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Whatcha gon' dewww...
I have prayed a lot over the past few months for motivation, for the ability to be able to leap out of my bed and having something to feel good about. Over Christmas I spent some time with my Dad and my extended family all of whom I haven't seen in years. I was anxious about spending time with my family because they'd want to know what I'd been doing, what I was planning to do and would look down on me if I came up with nothing. Or at least, that's how I felt.
It took an incident between me and a friend of my father's to reinforce that nobody blames me for what was and has been taking place in my life. I had been talking with my Dads partner and my step sister about my future plans when the friend jumped in and looked me up and down with disgust and told me that there was 'nothing wrong' with me. This friend doesn't know me, really from a fly on the wall. She doesn't know about my medical situation and she doesn't know anything about my history (which a lot of it is even safe-guarded from my parents) with anxiety and so on. Even if she did, it was certainly not her place to lay down judgement. I had been so shocked by it and not only that but a scathing comment that followed as she got up and left the room. I was so hurt and appalled and not to mention discouraged that I must have spent the whole afternoon sobbing in my room at my Dads. I was scared to tell him what happened cause I felt like just maybe he'd agree with her.
The next morning my Dad and I went for a drive and I couldn't hold it in, I burst in to tears and told him everything. I told him what she had said, what I felt people were thinking or would think. I told him how I felt about myself and how much and how hard I was trying to change that view, but I needed the encouragement and the gentle push, not someone judging me who most certainly had no idea. We talked for a long time about it and he just assured me that he knew I was going to be fine, I would find myself in due time, and that he was always behind me no matter what -- that whatever anyone else thought or said mattered not at all.
Then what happened was relayed to my grandmother and my aunt and after 3 days of staying with my Dad, I spent the time at my aunts holiday house with my cousins, uncle and grandma. We all had a good talk, and I realised that no one else besides the friend held that opinion of me at all -- that whatever she said was said because she was obviously trying to draw out my flaws to cover her own. The experience was a huge revelation to me because I realized I have so many people pulling out for me, who care about me so intensely and want to see me get ahead. I expected so long for someone to just get me there -- but I could only really do it myself. Knowing that everyone is behind me, friends, family, church, God -- It's so much easier to find the motivation to wake up every day with a feeling of, "I can do this."
I am doing things now, small to some, that I never thought I would find the energy or the ability to do. Every day I exercise for an hour on an exercise bike, I haven't eaten "junk" food since Christmas, really. (I have my moments, I'm not like healthfreakd up or anything). I don't remember how long it's been since I picked up a glass or can of coke. My skin is so clear right now (I know, I know, can you believe it??) I feel motivated. I don't get the feeling where I want to crawl back to bed right after I wake up and hide away from the world. I'm also slowly but surely getting my web design portfolio together. Recently I've had an influx of professional jobs that I've been working on (3 in the past 3 months) and my friend put me on to yet another one last week, so later in the year hopefully I will be able to get more of a business underway to help out around the sides.
I don't even feel as anxious socially. I'm still not ridiculously social, but I don't feel like vomiting all over myself each time I enter an overtly social or crowded environment. I've rekindled friendships that I let stray. I make all the time in the world for God, something that I previously found difficult to do....
And basically I'm happy and I don't doubt for one second that it's all to do with the fact that I've really put all my trust and faith in God. In the end, He's always there for me to see me through.
Tonight I was actually supposed to restart back at some RCIA meetings, just to be involved in something on wednesday nights, but I'm so tired and I don't think I can do it this week, but next week I'll be there with bells on. :)
I am off now to get ready for yet another day tomorrow. I forsee a regular sleeping pattern coming soon.
Thank God.
It took an incident between me and a friend of my father's to reinforce that nobody blames me for what was and has been taking place in my life. I had been talking with my Dads partner and my step sister about my future plans when the friend jumped in and looked me up and down with disgust and told me that there was 'nothing wrong' with me. This friend doesn't know me, really from a fly on the wall. She doesn't know about my medical situation and she doesn't know anything about my history (which a lot of it is even safe-guarded from my parents) with anxiety and so on. Even if she did, it was certainly not her place to lay down judgement. I had been so shocked by it and not only that but a scathing comment that followed as she got up and left the room. I was so hurt and appalled and not to mention discouraged that I must have spent the whole afternoon sobbing in my room at my Dads. I was scared to tell him what happened cause I felt like just maybe he'd agree with her.
The next morning my Dad and I went for a drive and I couldn't hold it in, I burst in to tears and told him everything. I told him what she had said, what I felt people were thinking or would think. I told him how I felt about myself and how much and how hard I was trying to change that view, but I needed the encouragement and the gentle push, not someone judging me who most certainly had no idea. We talked for a long time about it and he just assured me that he knew I was going to be fine, I would find myself in due time, and that he was always behind me no matter what -- that whatever anyone else thought or said mattered not at all.
Then what happened was relayed to my grandmother and my aunt and after 3 days of staying with my Dad, I spent the time at my aunts holiday house with my cousins, uncle and grandma. We all had a good talk, and I realised that no one else besides the friend held that opinion of me at all -- that whatever she said was said because she was obviously trying to draw out my flaws to cover her own. The experience was a huge revelation to me because I realized I have so many people pulling out for me, who care about me so intensely and want to see me get ahead. I expected so long for someone to just get me there -- but I could only really do it myself. Knowing that everyone is behind me, friends, family, church, God -- It's so much easier to find the motivation to wake up every day with a feeling of, "I can do this."
I am doing things now, small to some, that I never thought I would find the energy or the ability to do. Every day I exercise for an hour on an exercise bike, I haven't eaten "junk" food since Christmas, really. (I have my moments, I'm not like healthfreakd up or anything). I don't remember how long it's been since I picked up a glass or can of coke. My skin is so clear right now (I know, I know, can you believe it??) I feel motivated. I don't get the feeling where I want to crawl back to bed right after I wake up and hide away from the world. I'm also slowly but surely getting my web design portfolio together. Recently I've had an influx of professional jobs that I've been working on (3 in the past 3 months) and my friend put me on to yet another one last week, so later in the year hopefully I will be able to get more of a business underway to help out around the sides.
I don't even feel as anxious socially. I'm still not ridiculously social, but I don't feel like vomiting all over myself each time I enter an overtly social or crowded environment. I've rekindled friendships that I let stray. I make all the time in the world for God, something that I previously found difficult to do....
And basically I'm happy and I don't doubt for one second that it's all to do with the fact that I've really put all my trust and faith in God. In the end, He's always there for me to see me through.
Tonight I was actually supposed to restart back at some RCIA meetings, just to be involved in something on wednesday nights, but I'm so tired and I don't think I can do it this week, but next week I'll be there with bells on. :)
I am off now to get ready for yet another day tomorrow. I forsee a regular sleeping pattern coming soon.
Thank God.
Monday, February 05, 2007
I'm going to shine. :)
Hi there out there in bloggerworld...
I think I finally got all my stuff sorted out with blogger. I converted to a new template to see if that has anything to do with my issues here. We'll soon find out, I guess!
So here's whats been going on in my world -- it's been so long since I've given a proper update. Firstly... I have been so blessed over the past few months and praise God that under his close and complete direction and guidance I have been taking a lot of the right paths and choices and that have ultimately steered me in the exact spot that I wanted to be in for years.
I was accepted in to a course 2 weeks ago that I applied for early in December. I was given the impression that my acceptance would be sheer luck because I didn't apply in the appropriate way (I was confused and called for help so the coordinator invited me in for an interview after I told her just how serious I was about getting in) ... but I found out that I was accepted after a really difficult (imo!) interview ... furthermore, I was told the other day that they knew they were going to accept me in to the course before I even left. Praise God, man... It was something that I prayed hard about, asking for His help in guiding me and making it all happen if it was His will.
Basically it's a study of Early Childhood, from ages 6mths to 6 years old (I think), the course outcomes will provide me with the qualification to be a daycare teacher, to care for younger children, to work for family services or to go on further to become a primary school teacher. I am still unsure of which path I'll take but today I got my full year time table which is great because I can know exactly what I'm doing, when I'm doing it. It is easier for me to plan my year, to try to get work and all of that stuff.
Earlier I mentioned that I won a trip to Sydney late last year and so last week was that trip. It was fantastic. I had heaps of fun. Originally my Mum was supposed to come, but she decided at the last minute that she didn't want to (which messed me around majorly, thanks Mum.) so instead I asked another friend and we had a really good time. Although the concert was fun, I think the actual stay in Sydney, hanging about in the city and bumming around our hotel room laughing at how we'd been messed around the whole trip... it was fun. Lots of funny things happened which I think will probably last as private jokes for a long time. Including, spotting a certain winner of a certain reality tv show boasting about how he would be swimming in a "sea of panties" to a friend... *rolls eyes* ... and funnily enough... he was mostly unapproached all night hahaha.
So everything is great. I mentioned some months ago some things that were going on with my family such as my Dads gf having cancer, my brothers problems and such -- but both issues have been completely resolved, Praise God. My brother is doing so much better, I am so happy about that because it was causing my whole family a lot of stress. I have to keep praying about that though, it's something that will affect him long term if he doesn't keep his socks pulled up so to speak. My Dads gf has been given the all clear. This took a double amount of stress from his shoulders and so Christmas and after went smoothly. My Dad just turned 50 this weekend. I spoke to him kind of briefly but he seemed so happy :) We talked about my course and I don't know when it was that my Dad was this happy with me and proud of me... I really feel like (although I am excited and hugely interested in this course) I am doing a lot of this for him and for the Glory of God... I want both my Dads to be proud and happy with my good work, everything that I do, I owe to them both.
I just realised over the past few weeks that I have some really, really amazing and encourging people in my life. It's sometimes easy to get caught up when you don't sit back and take stock now and then, but I had this ultimate moment over the weekend after the kindness of a good few people (the least likely, I might add) where I just was like, "Wow... I am so inspired!" ... I know that sounds so corny, but it's true... I came home Early sunday morning (after being to a concert at crown casino that night) thinking... no, knowing that I have a lot of people who have really pulled out for me... Who have helped me along and encouraged me when I felt like my life was kind of futile.
There's one person in particular who just believes in me whole-heartedly no matter what I do, no matter how I feel, who always always always manages to make me feel so worthy. While some people extend encouragement but have reservation and interior doubts, this person I know wholeheartedly BELIEVES that I can achieve and be anything I want to. And indeed, this time I will shine.
I start classes on wednesday. I will be back to blogging here as normal, hopefully!!! So please keep checking back and I will be back to business keeping updated on all your blogs and ongoings!!!
Lastly, a very close family friend of ours was just diagnosed with breast cancer. My dad tells me its really bad and her outlook isnt that great, she has to have a full masectomy -- this is quite a shock to everyone... I've been praying about this since I've found out now, but I especially would like to ask you all who read this to extend your prayers and thoughts to her and her wonderful family.
I think I finally got all my stuff sorted out with blogger. I converted to a new template to see if that has anything to do with my issues here. We'll soon find out, I guess!
So here's whats been going on in my world -- it's been so long since I've given a proper update. Firstly... I have been so blessed over the past few months and praise God that under his close and complete direction and guidance I have been taking a lot of the right paths and choices and that have ultimately steered me in the exact spot that I wanted to be in for years.
I was accepted in to a course 2 weeks ago that I applied for early in December. I was given the impression that my acceptance would be sheer luck because I didn't apply in the appropriate way (I was confused and called for help so the coordinator invited me in for an interview after I told her just how serious I was about getting in) ... but I found out that I was accepted after a really difficult (imo!) interview ... furthermore, I was told the other day that they knew they were going to accept me in to the course before I even left. Praise God, man... It was something that I prayed hard about, asking for His help in guiding me and making it all happen if it was His will.
Basically it's a study of Early Childhood, from ages 6mths to 6 years old (I think), the course outcomes will provide me with the qualification to be a daycare teacher, to care for younger children, to work for family services or to go on further to become a primary school teacher. I am still unsure of which path I'll take but today I got my full year time table which is great because I can know exactly what I'm doing, when I'm doing it. It is easier for me to plan my year, to try to get work and all of that stuff.
Earlier I mentioned that I won a trip to Sydney late last year and so last week was that trip. It was fantastic. I had heaps of fun. Originally my Mum was supposed to come, but she decided at the last minute that she didn't want to (which messed me around majorly, thanks Mum.) so instead I asked another friend and we had a really good time. Although the concert was fun, I think the actual stay in Sydney, hanging about in the city and bumming around our hotel room laughing at how we'd been messed around the whole trip... it was fun. Lots of funny things happened which I think will probably last as private jokes for a long time. Including, spotting a certain winner of a certain reality tv show boasting about how he would be swimming in a "sea of panties" to a friend... *rolls eyes* ... and funnily enough... he was mostly unapproached all night hahaha.
So everything is great. I mentioned some months ago some things that were going on with my family such as my Dads gf having cancer, my brothers problems and such -- but both issues have been completely resolved, Praise God. My brother is doing so much better, I am so happy about that because it was causing my whole family a lot of stress. I have to keep praying about that though, it's something that will affect him long term if he doesn't keep his socks pulled up so to speak. My Dads gf has been given the all clear. This took a double amount of stress from his shoulders and so Christmas and after went smoothly. My Dad just turned 50 this weekend. I spoke to him kind of briefly but he seemed so happy :) We talked about my course and I don't know when it was that my Dad was this happy with me and proud of me... I really feel like (although I am excited and hugely interested in this course) I am doing a lot of this for him and for the Glory of God... I want both my Dads to be proud and happy with my good work, everything that I do, I owe to them both.
I just realised over the past few weeks that I have some really, really amazing and encourging people in my life. It's sometimes easy to get caught up when you don't sit back and take stock now and then, but I had this ultimate moment over the weekend after the kindness of a good few people (the least likely, I might add) where I just was like, "Wow... I am so inspired!" ... I know that sounds so corny, but it's true... I came home Early sunday morning (after being to a concert at crown casino that night) thinking... no, knowing that I have a lot of people who have really pulled out for me... Who have helped me along and encouraged me when I felt like my life was kind of futile.
There's one person in particular who just believes in me whole-heartedly no matter what I do, no matter how I feel, who always always always manages to make me feel so worthy. While some people extend encouragement but have reservation and interior doubts, this person I know wholeheartedly BELIEVES that I can achieve and be anything I want to. And indeed, this time I will shine.
I start classes on wednesday. I will be back to blogging here as normal, hopefully!!! So please keep checking back and I will be back to business keeping updated on all your blogs and ongoings!!!
Lastly, a very close family friend of ours was just diagnosed with breast cancer. My dad tells me its really bad and her outlook isnt that great, she has to have a full masectomy -- this is quite a shock to everyone... I've been praying about this since I've found out now, but I especially would like to ask you all who read this to extend your prayers and thoughts to her and her wonderful family.
The Lord is close to all who call on him, yes, to all who call
on Him sincerely. - Psalm 145:18
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