Vindictiveness

I've never considered myself at all to be vindictive nor spiteful. I have a habit sometimes of being brutally honest but without the intent of hurting another person's feelings. However, I have been known to, on occasion, offend with thoughtless comments or remarks. Once I was naive enough to think that every person who walked the Earth was honest and trustworthy -- but I had more than ample share of reality checks in that department. In most honesty, I don't have a lot of social skills, sometimes they're about as bright as a stump. It's hard sometimes to realise that other people find issues with the truth, that they can't handle when it's shining in their face. As a result some people don't understand me or know how to take it when I bluntly object or contradict them.

My problem also is that I let other people rile me up. Because of my quasi-naivete, people manipulate me in to saying or doing things that they wouldn't have the guts to, just because "Jess is brazen and bold one." Fair enough, that's my own fault. I open myself up to it, people dislike it and in return, I don't appear to be very popular. That's fine, popularity has never really sat well with me anyway.

Sometimes I do feel under attack. I feel like whatever I say or whatever I do is going to taken the wrong way, but why isn't my opinions or ways of expressing them any less important than anyone else? I've seen others with the same attitude, with the same take-no-crap demeanor and earn respect from it. Perhaps it's a bullying mechanism, I should know, I've dealt with it my entire life. I'm 22, therefore, probably easier to push around, to make fun of ... to well, bully. I guess there's something to be said for feeling better, upsetting others.

That's fine. I've come to realise after a history of people's reactions to me is that I'm probably not a "people person", and I'm genuinely okay with that. What I do know, is that I am a really, really loyal friend who would move mountains to be there for them. Every friendship that I possess is strong, intense and based solely around respect and honesty. It takes a lot more than a difference of a opinion, a stupid argument or a blunt remark for me to walk away from a friendship.

I'm not perfect at all. I may be newly religious, sometimes I may cut corners instead of going full force at something, but that's just my human, sinful nature. I am trying my best to be the best person I can be and it's a full time job -- but I make no secret of that. The one beautiful thing about me is my consistency and persistence. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, I have always left myself open to criticism, and let's face it, I've taken it on the chin for the past 17 yrs without exaggeration. That's fine, I see it as character building. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.

I have never been a horrible, horrible person. I have never harboured any kind of spite toward anyone nor have I employed it. I am not vindictive and it is not in my nature and I know only too well that God hates these two traits. I do not ever wish to anger my Lord. I'm not too concerned over what people think of me as the approval of God Almighty is much more important than the approval of those around me. (John 12:37-43) And although I have not been a horrible person, there has always been such a huge room for improvement. Since becoming one of God's Faithful Daughters, my life has improved tremendously. My faults are less (but I still have so many!) and I see with perfect and clear eyes that I was not designed to be perfect and that Jesus doesn't expect us to be.

Praise God for that. I would be in big trouble.

What is important to God is what is in our heart. And again, Praise Him for that because he knows my heart is pure and filled with love and adoration for Him and with the best intentions to always serve Him. I hit many bumps along my path, and sometimes staying on the straight and narrow is far from an artform that I have down-pat, but my intention is there, and I don't care what anyone else thinks except my Beautiful, Wonderful, Beloved Lord. He knows the truth and that's all that matters to me!

So I'm closing the door to another chapter of my life. Opening a new door to start afresh away from things that I felt were weighing me down. Time to move on! I give thanks to my Lord for making me see it. :)

Tomorrow I'm going to ask Fr. Shadbolt if we can organise confession and then I'll start compiling my list! Party in the confessional, people!! I'll be clean! Clean I tell you!

And after that, it could be another beautiful day at Brighton Beach, let's pray that I remember suncream and to leave my idiocy at home!

My prayers to you all, hope everyone is doing very well! :)

xxxx
Jess