Such a beautiful disaster.

I removed certain celebrity names from my journal so that it didn't come up in the blog search anymore as it seems that it's impossible to find privacy over the internet (I know it's ironic to say that when I'm writing an online journal, but it's not the point.) and there's always someone who's going to rifle through your private shit irrespective of how that might just make you feel. That's fine. I've got nothing to hide. I thought about closing this, opening to a new URL, but I've made my friends, why should I? I couldn't give a toss anymore, people can say what they want, do what they want, repost it, share it amoungst their little friends, have a laugh-- who cares.

It's no secret the past few days have been beyond dodgy. I've even felt neglected by certain friends which is something I don't take to well to (who does?) but I'm trying to be understanding. The world doesn't stop just cause Jess has had a crap week. Sometimes I wish it did.

My bestfriend from 7th & 8th grade contacted me through myspace yesterday. She was all gushy and sweet and nice. I guess it was nice to hear from someone from highschool. I was such an annoying little pushover before I left school. I used to let everyone treat me like crap. I lost count of the amount of the times I was physically pushed, hit, punched, spat on, teased... and I used to walk away like a lost little puppy and hide in the library. I'm glad that somewhere between 18-22 yrs old I grew a backbone and stopped being scared of having an opinion, standing up to people and not let anyone else's problems with me, become mine. My bestfriend from 7th & 8th was sweet, but we were never really that close, I guess. Still, I guess it was good to hear.

This is going to be a long and boring week. I obviously can't afford to go to Sydney or spend a single cent even on my phone bill. They can cut it off, I don't care. I don't use it anyway. I do miss my Dad again so soon though and Penny. I need a hug. Lots of praying and reading to be done, in place of other activities and I guess it can't all be bad.

Hold me like the River Jordan, and I will then say to Thee
You are my friend.
Carry Me, like you are my brother, love me like a mother
Will you be there?
Weary, tell me will you hold me?
When wrong will you scold me?
When lost will you find me?
But they told me
A man should be faithful and walk when not able
And fight til the end but I'm only human
Everyone is taking control of me
Seems like the world's got a role for me
I'm so confused will you show it to me?
That you'll be there for me
And care enough to bear me.
Show me, lay your head lowly, softly and boldly
Carry me there.
Lead me, hold me, love me and feed me
Kiss me and free and I will feel blessed
Carry, carry me boldly, lift me up slowly
Save me, fill me and bathe me
Softly and say to thee, I will be there.
Lift me, lift me up slowly, carry me boldly
Show me you care.
Need me, love me and feed me
Kiss me and free me. I will feel blessed.

In our darkest hour, in my deepest despair
Will you still care? Will you be there?
In my trials and my tribulations
Through all doubts and frustrations.
In my violence and my turbulance
Through my fear and my confessions
In my anguish and my pain
Through my joy and my sorrow
In the promise of another tomorrow.
I'll never let you part.
For you're always in my heart.

-- Michael Jackson.