Just one of them days...

[ Music: Love's Gone Bad - Jackson 5 ]

Sometimes I wonder what on Earth I'm even here for. I know it's one of those wah, wah pity me things, but seriously. I have to wonder... why hasn't be purpose been brought to light yet? I'm trying, by God, I'm trying.

Here's a nice little ditty for you all (some will probably enjoy it more than others). This morning at 8am, my alarm went off. Wake up Jess, it's time to have a shower and go to church. I go to church about 1 hr from where I live. I like the parish and I like the rev. I thought, well maybe I won't go to church. It's cold out, my bed is warm, Billie-puppy is comfortable snuggled at my back and I don't want to move.

The another voice (could be my other personality, stranger things have happened) said, "Stop being such a selfish, lazy cow. You sleep in almost every day of the week, Sunday is God's day." And so I got up. I had a shower and felt much better. I decided to meet with my beautiful Caro(line) after church as she lives close by. So off I go... Everything was great.

I prayed the Rosary at church today and also last night before bed and felt so thrilled that I'm getting the hang of it (Thanks again Jonathan & Virtual Rosary). It doesn't seem at all confusing anymore. And Mass was great, today is the Feast Of Epiphany and the message really spoke to me. It really related to young people. And so anyway, I left church feeling really happy.

I drove to Caro's. It was around 30 degrees by this time, and I was cooking in my airless car. I picked her up and we drove toward Melbourne. We were gonna go to Chadstone Shopping Centre (the swanky "Fashion capital" of Melbourne ... or something.) for Sushi Train. I was so hungry and so anxious to drop by Sharidan's to pick up my Divine Mercy book. Caro and I were talking about my plans for moving out (she and her fiance just bought a house! How exciting!) and how it would be easy for me to move to outter Melbourne suburbs cause I had a good car and getting to and from a suburbs job would be better than working in the city.

About five minutes post conversation, I felt the accelleration doing strange things. Making a clicking noise when I put my foot down and suddenly I was losing speed and I tried to pull to the side of the road, so I was in the middle lane city-bound on the Princes Highway. If anyone knows Melbourne, its one of the busiest damn roads! No less, at an intersection. My car died. Completely and absolutely.

(Rockin Robin by the J5 just came on my random play list. This song makes me smile no matter the mood. Thanks God, I needed that!)

In the middle lane of a three-laned highway. I almost burst in to tears. I tried to restart it as I realised my car has been stalling a bit over the past few days and I had no power, no nothing. Caro called her fiance while I freaked out as we got beeps from cars behind us (regardless that my hazard lights were on) and cars were still streaming toward us, yelling stuff. I absolutely panicked thinking someone was going to wipe us out. Anxiety is a big thing for me. I don't deal with these kinds of situations very well. Her fiance (Lee) suggested we push the car to the side of the road. We tried, almost got wiped out. Thank God for the three men that all seemed to come running to assist us at once. We got the car up to the grassy area between city bound and outbound traffic. We waited for Lee to arrive. We figured out my car overheated since the water light and battery light came on. Lee came, tried to fill it with water and charge my battery. Still no power.

We called road side assistance and they refused to come because we were not in a safe area. A tow truck came and moved us to a side street. The road side came. My car by that stage was starting again. The road service man added about 6 litres of water in to my radiator told me that I basically had a slow water leak and as a result blew my head gasket. Which basically means I blew my motor.

Isn't that fantastic? Road service man tells us we should be okay to drive it back to my friends place (which is about 20 min away) but if it would unfailingly overheat and if it happened I'd have to stop and let it cool and put in more water. Praise God we got back to Caro's place without it overheating again, but it lost a fair bit of water on the way (1 litre). He mentioned that the towing would be free for 8kms home, but an extra $3.50 for each km after. Isn't it splendid that I live 115kms away from my friends house?

I wanted to cry. God, I wanted to cry so much today, but I saved up my tears, prayed silently for a miracle. The Lord knows I have absolutely no money to my name as it is. $350+ to get my car back home? Repairs could cost anything up to $1000.

So my car is still at Caro's house and I can't keep it there forever obviously, and I also can't afford to tow it home just yet. Everyone was so nice to me about it thankfully. My Mum told me not to worry because it was just a car. And while that's true, my car is my life line. It's my independance, my way to church on a Sunday, my increased chance of being employed... I could go on, but what's the point? It's dead.

I'm absolutely devastated. Other honorable mentions of the crappy day was losing my $50 Benefit foundation and feeling really upset that my stupid pimples were on display to the world (and how fair is that to other people, really? but thankfully Sharidan found it at her house.), the lady on the phone telling me that the train came at 6:52pm, and realising that she lied, so I missed it and Caro and I sat at the station for almost 1, 1/3 of an hr waiting for the next one. Having people staring at me when I sat on the train trying my best to cry unnoticed (even putting down my sunglasses while it was about dark). And I upset my stomach by drinking loads of juice (but it was so hot, I was worth it.) and extreme chest pains from anxiety, throw a couple air-gulping panic attacks in there and on the way home I realised the cross was missing from one of my favourite bracelets. Waaaaaaaaah!

And so the icing on the cake. I love my Mum, I really do. She's always the one that I get in to mischief with, the one that can tell me when I'm being an idiot when I'm panicking about my health or something silly. She's the only one who REALLY gets my sense of humor... but man does she suck at being affectionate or general mother-daughter communication. My stepfather picked me up from the station and I told him what happened civilly and calmly and there were dry eyes thank God, but when I walked in to the house (my stepfather left work to pick me up and dropped me off and went back) I fell to pieces. I walked in to my room barely saying hello and sat on my bedroom floor with my puppy in my lap trying to lick my tears cuddling up to her and sobbed.

My Mum walked past my room twice, maybe three times -- and I guess she would have heard, but still didn't come in to say anything. I have to admit, I waited. I wanted her to come in so bad and say, "I'm sorry you had a crap day." or even just, "Jess, don't worry, it's just a car. We'll work it out." ... but nothing at all. So I went to have a shower and calm down. And I prayed so hard.

I trust God so much, but I hope he understands that I still need to feel a bit sad about it, cause no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop crying until my nose blocked and my headached. In my conversation with Jesus, I told him how I am trying to trust that there was a reason for this, and even if I can't see it right now, I'm trusting... but my eyes may not stay dry. I hope He understands.

So anyway, I went out to get some tissues my Mum didn't really look up. So I just came to my room and bawled more and talked to Sharidan. Sparks (Valan, who posts here at my blog) called me while I was on the train and made me see things properly. I guess the only thing that rang true to me today was that I have amazing friends. But God didn't need to tell me that, I already knew it -- I talked about that with Caro today too.

I know it's a stupid thought, a voice that I should probably be pushing away but in the corner of my mind I keep thinking that I've done something abhorrent that's seriously angered God for all this to happen. A sign maybe, that I'm not supposed to be here in Victoria, that I should get my butt home. It'd be so easy to pack up tomorrow and just go... I can't figure it out. I have nothing here right now. Nothing at all. I thought it was going to be easy. I had nothing yesterday, but today I have even less.

I have a feeling tomorrow I'll be pulling out the comfort foods (that I've done so well keeping away from) and will probably try to avoid everyone until it's absolutely necessary. I haven't done this for a long time, but it's the way I deal with things. Hello Mr. Cheese.

But as my beautiful Valan said, I'll probably feel a lot better in the morning. And well... if not, it wouldn't be the first time.