Forgiving others to be forgiven by God.

I was attending Hillsong AOG church in Sydney earlier this year and was soaking up the atmosphere like a sponge. I like that church, I really do! The music was amazing and I thought the atmosphere was just breathtaking at times. To look around and know that these hundreds, and I suppose sometimes, thousands, of people were here to worship Jesus Christ -- wow.

For me though, something wasn't right about it. I guess it's just a personal thing. I felt out of place if I didn't raise my hands up for the Lord, if I didn't clap to the music or if I didn't jump for Jesus when everyone else was jumping for Jesus. I knew I shouldn't have been feeling like that, but I did. I didn't like watching alter calls. I didn't really understand why you would have to "accept Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior" if I'd already been baptised (which to my knowledge, washes away all your sins just as devout Christians tell you "accepting Jesus in to your heart" will.)

I continued going simply because I didn't know what else to do, nor did I know anyone else who went to another church. I liked Hillsong because I could get swallowed up in the crowd. I'm ashamed to say that I'm a rather unsociable (mostly just because I am shy and feel socially inept.) and find it hard to respond well to people that I don't know. I was scared of going to a small-type of congregation in case someone would approach me. Silly, I know!

I wanted to go to a more traditional type of Mass and see how that worked for me, as I was starting to read more in to Catholicism (as I was baptised Catholic at two yrs) and to me, it made more sense.

In september I found out that one of my closest aunts was dying of lung cancer. I informed a friend and asked for his prayers, to which he willingly obliged and prayed with me. The night after I went back to church, feeling as though I really needed to be close to God. I waited and waited for a moment where we could pray silently -- but no such time came. I remember in that particular service, we were told by the pastor who and what to pray for - to pray out loud! he requested.

Everyone was praying loudly including the pastor in to the microphone. I felt so distracted that I couldn't even begin to think of what I wanted to ask God for, and before I knew it, the prayers were over and the choir had began to sing their awesome pop-rock worship songs. I felt really disappointed that the place designated for prayer, wasn't really what it seemed. And as I looked around at everyone "jumping for Jesus" with their hands raised to the roof ... I kept thinking of how... fake, it all seemed. I thought about how I had raised my hands at moments because I didn't want to be judged by the people standing around me. I wondered if anyone else felt the same. I don't want to judge anyone's faith or anyone's church at all -- but for me it wasn't right. And perhaps it had something to do with what was going on in my life -- but nothing made sense there.

I had confided in a devout Christian friend that my Aunt wasn't religious at all and that I was scared for her soul. I talked to her about my belief in purgatory to which she blankly told me it didn't exist and that I would just have to accept that some people were going to hell and other's weren't. This deeply disturbed me and made me take a step away, thinking that Jesus could never turn away someone. I prayed with ferver that she could "accept Him" before she died.

I confided in another Catholic friend who told me about The Divine Mercy Chaplet. This gave me such strong hope. I didn't understand it at first, but since my Aunt died, (only about a week later) I have began reading and learning all about The Divine Mercy and St Faustina Kowalska of Poland. The Divine Mercy brings to us many miracles especially to those who are facing death. This is why I have so many links to it. St. Faustina is an amazing and couragous woman who spoke her entire life to Jesus, who kept a diary of her conversations and revelations of our Lord's love for us.

One of the most profound things I came across while reading over some of the miracles of the Divine Mercy was something that Jesus told to Stanley Villavicencio; "You cannot appreciate the beauty of My Mercy unless you experience the misery of sin" and more importantly, that the only sin that God will never forgive is refusing to believe that he can forgive.

This was poignant to me, as my biggest fears when coming in to faith was that God could never possibly forgive my sins for they were too big and too shameful for me to ever have the courage to confess before anyone, let alone my Lord.

Now there is a joy in my heart upon knowing that I should celebrate the confessing of my sins, because Jesus will show me his mercy by forgiving me for things that I am truly sorry for. Whomever I will confess my sins to, is merely the middleman, washing them away on behalf of my Lord and giving me a penance.

And this speaks volumes to me -- if my Lord can forgive me for the things that I feel are almost unforgivable, then, to live In Christ, shouldn't I be doing the same? Forgiving other's for the things that they have inflicted upon me? The answer is clearly yes-- and in order to be forgiven, I must learn to forgive others.

That's all for now, but I do have a prayer request for my dog, however silly it might seem. She's not very well. She's not eating nor is she really drinking anything and I'm very worried about her.