Engaging in prayer

I have been engaging in heavy prayer and reflection for the past 24 hours and it has marked such a shift in my mood. I know it sounds dumb, since it's only been 24 hours, but it really has made a difference. I have been keeping my focus on God.

I feel more well. I have better spirits.

Two nights ago I had an extremely high-strung argument with someone that I had for the past 9 or so months, considered a friend. Not necessarily a great friend, but a friend all the same. Someone who I have bent over continually backwards for - I have given her my unconditional friendship, I have invited her to stay at my house when she was having family problems, I have offered myself as a cab service dropping her off and picking her up when she's more than 15 minutes in the other direction. I have loaned her my belongings, helped her consistently with homework and essays and even completed dual assignments mostly on my own without her help and allowed her to take credit. I expected (and stupid of me) that just once she could extend her compassion to me during my time of need.

I was very, very wrong. In fact, quite the opposite occured. I was devastated by it, though I don't know why I was so surprised.

You see, back in June just days after I had had her at my house whinging about some family conflict (which I honestly don't think was even that big of a deal) I felt like I was kind of close to her ... and I had a doctors appointment where he had delivered me some pretty heavy news. I was really quite shocked by it and for a couple of days I was sad and needed some comfort. I turned up to class one day and couldn't keep myself from crying. She noticed, she said not one single word to me. She asked for a ride home, I complied. When we were alone in the car, despite how hard I tried, I sobbed to the point it was actually impossible for her not to notice -- she said not one word to me, but rather looked out the passenger window and pretended not to notice. I just shrugged it off and thought that maybe she had no idea how to approach me, but I'm sorry -- sometimes people crying makes me uncomfortable, but regardless, I would put my hand on their shoulder and say, "Are you ok?" at the very least.

But no. She mumbled a thanks as she got out the car and really hasn't acted the same with me since.

We had a huge fight the other night. Basically it resulted in her showing absolutely no compassion for my position. And that in effect, gutted me. But I don't know why. She's been inconsistent with me since day dot. I think the whole surrounding situation just set it off.... but anyway. I decided to end the remnants of whatever friendship we have left. I will be polite of course and never rude, but I won't go out of my way for her since she's made it so abundantly clear that any friendship we could have is always going to be strictly upon her terms.

Oh well.

I will pray for her to learn better methods of communication with people and for her to find compassion for others.