I got the biggest part of heaven in my life.

I keep typing things to write about, and I wonder why I'm having so much trouble trying to find something to say. I guess, I had a bit of post-Sydney blues. It happens, especially since I truly didn't get to spend any time with my Dad... After not seeing him for 7 months, I could have spared him a week from my socialising, but as usual -- I seem to act selfishly in the moment and regret it with everything, afterwards. I saw my Dad for one night and he seemed a bit let down that I wasn't staying longer... I wished I had.... Oh well, it's over with now.

Every now and then I get a bout of depression. Praise God, it's hardly the same kind of despair and rock-bottom sadness as the kind that used to encumber me back a few years ago -- but, sometimes it's distant relatives creep up on me and bring me down a couple pegs. I didn't want to go back to college last week. I wanted to quit. I wanted to go to bed and sleep off the sadness. I couldn't really motivate myself to do anything that needed to be done.

I had an assignment due today which, when I received it, I was a little excited about -- but for some reason, I let time pass and didn't bother with it. I misread the calandar, I thought tomorrow it was due, so I figured I'd use monday to get it done, because the places I had to obtain info were closed for the weekend. Half of me was screaming angry that I left it to the last minute-- and the other part of me, just didn't care... I'm not even going to bother with my defense... I had plenty of time to do it, I just didn't. I couldn't even use the arguement that I have a load of other work to do, because even as true as that may be -- I actually haven't started on much of that either. I worked most of the holiday in Sydney making a website for a very successful Australian business... I used a lot of the time I had planned to do my assignments on that -- but it's still not an excuse.

And I want to go to uni after this course? Laughable, considering I'm peaking it about THIS workload... My course is pretty lenient on not handing things in, my teachers are understanding and take other class loads in to consideration. Uni is much more demanding and not so accomodating of cheesy excuses -- so I had to make the decision... am I going to do this half-arsed? Or am I going to do this properly? .... So, I made a list of everything that is due, everything that is overdue, I will go to my teachers on wednesday, and figure out something and let them know what's going on. I will make sure I have done absolutely everything that needs to be handed in, and really just start pulling my head in and doing it.

I don't want to be a half-arsed carer, I want to be good at my job...

I got home tonight and started organising all of my work, I fixed up my work space and got myself organised. I have a day off tomorrow, and I'm going to do everything and get it all finished and prioritise a whole lot better.

Here's to an end of procrastination.

God Bless.

Something that sets me apart.

Firstly, I am back. I will be looking to find all my blog friends and catch up with them over the coming days.

I have been gone just a little under a month. Can you believe it? Let's just say that I was a little relieved to get home. I have had an interesting last few weeks... fun, up and down, very busy and lots of laughs.

I just wanted to say that... I had been struggling a lot with a certain male friend of mine that I had written about a few posts ago... and I spent some time with him while I was away, and I came to realise a few very important things about the relationship that I have with him. One of those, is that, any hopes for romantacism between he and I above a silly-joke level is simply just a fantasy in my head. It will never happen, on his part it is harmless flirting, harmless kisses, harmless affection, despite the fact that it leaves me wishing and hoping like mad for a boyfriend exactly like him -- well, him.

Another thing I realised is that, I thought I was special to him... and I mean that in a romantic, slightly-more-platonic way -- only to realise he treats other females exactly the same. This doesn't make him a bad person, it just makes me a fool for thinking that I could be in love with a best friend who doesn't even bat for the same team. What the hell was I thinking?

I have really deep feelings for him, but I have resigned myself to the fact that it's never going to make a difference to him. He'll always love me as his little Jess, the one who laps up his physical affection like a happy puppy, who dabbles in what appears to be playful flirting.... and when it comes to the nuts and bolts of it, someone who he can trust and tell anything to... and that's all.

See... I'm so cynical when it comes to the opposite sex... why bother? I have this ridiculous running history of falling for the wrong guy... the "safe" guy who will never be in a position to reciprocate my feelings because they are either involved with someone, completely unattainable and living on the other side of the globe or ... gay. And I'm sure I do this in a feeble attempt to not get hurt -- only, I still always get hurt...

In a nutshell, I'm stupid.

I'm on holidays

Oops, I neglected to tell anyone that I was off on holidays for a little while. I am in Adelaide at the moment and on the weekend I will be heading to Sydney for a week and a half to see friends and also my Dad. :)

I will be back very soon! sorry for not posting anything for ages.

xxx