Today I'm feeling a bit "blah" and I'm not really sure why. Nothing bad has happened, nothing good either, really. I was supposed to go see friends yesterday but still wasn't feeling up to scratch. On tuesday night I had some really bad news and coupled with what's going on with my Dad's partner .. I just felt a bit down. I did talk to my Dad though, and his partners surgery went well, but they won't know the final results until they come back from the pathology in a weeks time. I'll keep you all updated on that.
Secondly, I bought Guy Sebastian's new single yesterday like the lovely dutiful fan that I am. It's a great idea for artists to put b side songs on their cds cos it makes people who like the artist more inclined to buy it. There's a b side on the single that is a thousand times better than the actual release and I've had it on repeat ever since. He just sounds better these days and although it was good at the time, I'm glad he's not doing the wannabe R&B/urban genre anymore. This new music sounds a lot more fresh. Anyhoo, the song is called "Do Life" (the b side) and there are a few little lines in it that I love ;; but especially, "I wanna be part of the ocean, a river in motion, I wanna be down with the angels hangin' in the heavens... there's no place I'd rather be..." Sometimes I wonder why I'm a fan -- but when he opens his mouth to sing, I remember.
I think my trip to Sydney is on the backburner for now. It's ridiculous to go if I can't afford to -- which is really disappointing cos I miss my Dad so much right now and I really want to see him and give him a big hug. :( Also, I really miss all of my friends.... But I guess there will be another time.
I talked to a friend of mine who lives in Alice Springs. I met her in 2004 and spent a week with her, then saw her again in Melbourne, and hung out with her for a day or two mid last year... We catch up by phone now and then or through email -- but I was so excited to find out the other night that she's moving to Victoria in December for good. She's so much fun and such a sweet person. We got along amazingly from the first time I met her -- so I'm really happy that I'll have a new friend out here soon enough. I'll also have a new church buddy that isn't over the age of 70. haha.
So anyway, since I've had a lot of time to myself, I created the video below. I made it originally but had to edit cos it was too long which really annoyed me. *Shakes fist at youtube* -- but it's edited, and it's my first go at making anything like this... so have a look at it and let me know what you think... (Dorinny, you're famous! hehehe.) I'm a little bit proud cos I showed my Mum and it made her cry -- haha. And while I sat there making it, looking at photos and listening to audios and watching videos -- I found myself crying like a bitch lol. Anyhoo... here it is;
Friday, September 22, 2006
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Not much to report
I went back to work yesterday, but I came home later in the afternoon cos I didn't feel up to scratch.
Car got quoted at $1300, I know thats a heap more than I expected, but that's okay. On top of that I have to get two new tyres, register it and renew my licence. It'll take a couple of weeks but at least I'll have transport.
Uni is gong to cost me over $100 to apply. I'm scared cos I have an extreme shortage of money and no back up plan. Grr.
Anyhoo, I'll hit back if I have anything important to say.
xoxo
Car got quoted at $1300, I know thats a heap more than I expected, but that's okay. On top of that I have to get two new tyres, register it and renew my licence. It'll take a couple of weeks but at least I'll have transport.
Uni is gong to cost me over $100 to apply. I'm scared cos I have an extreme shortage of money and no back up plan. Grr.
Anyhoo, I'll hit back if I have anything important to say.
xoxo
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Sunday Scribblings: #25 - Research (hmm now says google magic)
Today after spending a lot of time on you tube and downloading a lot of footage that I’m getting together to create my own videos, I felt inspired to write about something I have been passionate about for as long as I can remember. It is something that I was forced to research and know more about over the past three years. When I first read the Sunday scribbling topic, I didn’t think I would participate and I promised myself I wouldn’t write about the subject that I’ve chosen because of the way people generally react, but I’m gonna go out on a limb anyway…
Disclaimer, this is really long and I apologize, but I didn’t really want to condense it, so don’t read it if you don’t want to, but this is one of my most personal and honest entry yet. Also, the original topic at Sunday Scribblings said "research" and now it says google, well I've already done my entry, so research it is! haha.
Michael Jackson
I became a huge Michael Jackson fan when I was probably in 5th grade. He was my first celebrity crush. He was my first favorite singer, he was the first song I ever remember hearing and seeing a video to (The Bad video is the first video if you’re interested) I remember the allegations that came up in 1993. I remembered being informed by my best friend that her Dad had told them it was just people wanting money from him. Of course, I never believed anything different. I was only 9 or 10. I remember the “come back” album, HIStory. The nuts MJ obsession that ensued from then on was pretty full on.
I talked, walked, lived, breathed drank anything and everything Michael Jackson. I collected tiny pictures, articles, second hand vinyls, albums, Jackson 5, The Jackson’s, MJ magazines, videos, footage, anything you can imagine. I wrote him letter after letter after letter that my Mum always promised to send to him. (I could never figure out why he didn’t write me back.) I kept writing letters until I was about 18 or 19, but I kept them to myself after and shared them with no one.
I became heavily involved in the Michael Jackson online fan community in 1997 and never looked back. I met people from all around the world and at one stage had more than 30 Michael Jackson penpals from Sweden, Holland, UK, Israel, Germany, Japan, New Zealand, Turkey, Lithuania, Denmark, Slovenia and so many more. I loved those people like they were my best friends. Some of them, I am still in contact with. I met fans from Australia (and other countries), five of whom I consider like my best friends (people that comment/read here, Caro, Val, Anna, Dorinny, Vicky) With these friends, I learned about different backgrounds, I learned survival talk in a lot of languages (French, Dutch, German and Slovenian.) I learned about the way their countries work, the traditions, backgrounds and all sorts of interesting things. Many of these friends I used to speak regularly to by telephone (especially one very special Israeli friend, Sharona.)
When I turned 18, I traveled to New York to see Michael Jackson by myself. It is something that I never ever would have considered had I not been a fan. I always wanted to travel, I always wanted to do something independent and so many people told me I was crazy and that it was a waste of my money and time. But I met two wonderful, wonderful fans, one of whom was from the UK who took me under her wing and befriended me. It is not often that I am completely honest about my intentions for traveling to New York. I usually tell people that I was “in the neighbourhood” that I didn’t go solely for MJ, but honestly? I did. I wanted to see him and I knew that there was no chance of him coming back to Australia. Some people call it groupie behavior, but I had never felt about another single person the way I felt about MJ. I didn’t expect I would marry him, I didn’t expect I would become his friend till the end. I just wanted to shake his hand and say, “Hi Michael, I love you and thank you for everything you’ve given to me.”
By that I mean inspiration. I hate the typical, “Michael saved me!” fan stories – but it’s the truth. I spent a lot of time in my early teen years in and out of hospital with an illness that I wouldn’t ever let on the severity to anyone except my family. At school I got ridiculed beyond belief, I really believed a lot of that time I was about to die. I didn’t really have an abundance of friends or anyone who I felt cared too much except my parents and grandparents, so I looked to music and to other things for consolement. Cheesily enough, Michael Jackson’s music always spoke to me. The footage I’d watched endlessly of him visiting sick kids, donating money, always being a voice for the voiceless, that really made me feel like he cared. His writings, his words, his poetry, his thoughts and open sentiments, they always touched my heart even from my younger days. He didn’t save me, but he gave me inspiration to keep the faith and never give up hope.
Because of the help of the insistent UK fan, that dream of meeting Michael Jackson came true. I got to talk to Michael Jackson in his car. I got to tell him thank you. I was able to stay calm enough to say that he was my biggest inspiration and that I loved him for everything. I was able to hold his hand. I was able to tell the world that Michael Jackson caressed my hand, talked to me, told me he also loved me and appreciated me, that it was his honor to meet me. He asked me if I was okay, how I enjoyed my trip, how I liked Australia, my name, he touched my face. And despite the fact that he tells all the fans he loves them? Well, for that moment in time, he told me, directly to me that he loved me. It was enough to inspire me for almost another decade and he helped me create the happiest and most exciting day of my life.
In 2003 almost exactly 10 years to the day of the 1993 allegations, new ones broke. Now, I had spent a lot of time researching the first Michael Jackson case. I know lots of things that the general public wouldn’t know. Like for instance, Michael Jackson never wanted to settle the case civilly. I had to research American Law. I found that you couldn’t have a criminal suit before a civil suit. I found out that Michael Jackson fought to have this reversed. He wanted it to be tried in a criminal suit (for those who don’t understand, this means he would never have paid Jordan Chandler, but rather would have went before a jury just like he did in 2005 and had it tried properly) but the judge denied the motion. He was given bogus advice and was in the prime of his success and so he was basically forced to settle for the price they agreed upon civilly. Additionally, David Schwartz, the stepfather of the accuser, secretly taped a conversation with Evan Chandler (the accusers father) to later use to help Michael Jackson (but later Schwartz jumped ships and decided to join in the extortion).
Of course the above never really made it to press because the world was too busy tripping over themselves to see their own Peter Pan turned pervert. And while the world always asked, “If he was innocent, why did he settle?” I always wondered, “If you were any sort of parent, wouldn’t you have wanted justice to prevail so the “predator” doesn’t strike again?)
The 2003 allegations seemed more serious, people ran with the idea that since he was accused once and “got off” (even though he was actually never charged with anything at all in 1993/1994) it must of course be a silent admission of guilt. The accusers were predictable and ridiculous this time around though, and unlike Evan Chandler, Janet Arviso (the mother of the 2003 accuser) wasn’t very bright.
I was forced to research this one to the high heavens and learn about U.S Law faster than I could blink. It blew up very quickly and before I knew it, my hero had been arrested, handcuffed and charged with 14 counts of misconduct with a minor known from the disgusting Martin Bashir interview (February 6, 2003) as Gavin Arviso.
It surprised no one that Tom Sneddon, the District Attorney who was in charge of the 1993 investigation, was also heading the 2003 investigation. Furthermore, the same media mogul, Diane Dimond who broke the 1993 case was also allowed special access to “break” the 2003 case (her Court TV crew was at Neverland the day both raids occurred before any other journalists new). During 1993 Michael Jackson was forced to submit to “investigative” photographs of his genitalia to “prove” that the accusations Jordan Chandler had made about particular scarring in that area was the case. Later most media outlets failed to report, was not actually the case (there was no match to the child’s description) Despite the fact that these photos were supposed to be sealed, a former friend of Sneddon’s had recounted that he had, in fact, passed them around and “shared a laugh”.
In a press conference just after Michael Jackson’s 2003 arrest Sneddon was critisised for referring to Michael as “Wacko Jacko”, and also for speaking prematurely having been quoted saying, “we got him!” (ha)
I felt from the get-go that the case was a witch-hunt. I supported Michael Jackson whole-heartedly until I had red-handed evidence to prove otherwise. (I’m one of those very few people who believe in innocent until proven guilty, not guilty until proven guilty.) I am a very independent thinking person; I am also a very intelligent person and became offended when people would brand me a “naïve fan”. I did my research, and I did it very well. I knew what I believed and why I believed it and unlike the people who accused me of being blinded by my admiration, I didn’t just rely on the news vendors to feed me their idea of “balanced information”. I decided that after all Michael had done to enrich my life indirectly, I would also like to help bring him support, even if it was also indirect.
I did a lot of radio interviews within Australia sharing my knowledge. I was interviewed by newspapers and I helped organize some information distribution within Sydney along with a group of Australian Michael Jackson fans. Then my lovely friend Dorinny and I, decided in April 2005 that we wanted to go to Santa Maria to support him.
We didn’t expect to meet him, we just wanted to be another face in the supporting crowd. One more banner, one more voice shouting support, we knew that it gave him the strength to get up and go to court every morning and to keep his head held high. He was looking at a jail term of up to 26 yrs. Of course each time I had a fleeting thought of this, tears would well up in my eyes and I couldn’t even begin to grasp any sort of reality of it.
We read transcripts of what was going on in the courtroom on a daily basis (and let me tell you now, unless you read those transcripts, you really didn’t learn anything about what kind of people screwed Michael Jackson over). 45 seats were raffled off every morning to the public and so fans would also come back each afternoon and give their reports. We read the backlash media reports making Michael Jackson out to sound like some kind of sinister freak who created Neverland to reel in the children.
I’m sorry though, 2 victims in ten years? Wow, he really knows what he wants doesn’t he? A very particular man who is amongst a smorgasbord of children and has been for the past 25 years – erm, really that makes no sense. The other “accusers” that popped up during the trial, were pretty much heckled out by the media as well.
Dorin and I got to California and hoped that perhaps we might get in to the courtroom and observe just once, but we were not expecting it. Low and behold, the very first day there we got our ticket and got to sit in, just meters away from our hero. We sat through a day of court, hearing witnesses testify for the prosecution, and then cross-examined by Thomas Mesereau, Michael’s champion lawyer who would cut down the witnesses and show us just how laughable their testimonies were.
I had the good fortune of watching Janet Arviso (the mother of the accuser) and I found myself along with media, and jurors laughing at her ridiculous claims. (Michael Jackson was evil and wanted to make them disappear by putting them on a hot air balloon. No, seriously. – Apparently they’d disappear in to thin air and no one would hear of them again? Wow Michael, you’re such a genius.) The entire time Michael just watched on, sometimes shaking his head, sometimes looking at the desk he was sitting at.
We would go to Neverland every day after court. (We got in to the court room 3 times on my 4th day I left early because I was sick.), on the way out-racing Michael Jackson’s car, winding down our windows screaming our support to his car window and waving frantically, showing our banners and trying to avoid car accidents.
It humbled my heart to see just how many fans were there from all over the world in support for him. We met fans from France, Sweden, UK, Spain, other U.S cities, Poland, etc.
In my time I had put together a special book for Michael that I had hoped that I could give to one of his security or someone working for him to give to him. It was a book of all the letters I had ever written him (the ones that I mentioned earlier that my Mum had promised to send had been found in a drawer when I moved away at about 16 yrs old, plus the ones I had kept writing). I also included photos of my friends and other Aussie fans, things I’d written about him in the past, and special little Michael Jackson projects I’d put together… The thing is, as a Michael Jackson fan you’ll know that he loves to receive personally made gifts more than material ones. He loves to collect banners and letters and cards and things, so I really felt like my idea would be original. You can see some of my book here.
At Neverland after the first day in Santa Maria, I managed to give him my book personally. It was heavy and he took it from me as I passed it through his car window, someone else helped him take it (his Mother) as I told him that we were there from Australia and he said thank you and God Bless Australia. Of course, the added bonus was him holding out his hand to me. I gave it a little squeeze and said “I love you.” And I felt him squeeze my hand back.
I stayed in Santa Maria for 12 days (Dorin could only stay for five) and had another chance to speak to him on my second last day. It was very brief but I got to hold his hand again and tell him, I was always supporting him no matter what. He said, “Thank you, God bless you.” And held my hand again. There were moments where we held banners for him just kms from his home where he slowed his car and had his father film us while he waved and smiled. (And gosh, how brilliant was it to see him still being able to find joy at a time like that.) and I never regretted a second of my trip, despite being told by others that I would.
The trial ended on June 13, 2005. As it loomed closer, my friends and I became more scared. It was around the time that I traveled overseas (but must I stress, not for this reason) that I began to find solace in God. I had been praying a lot over 2004 and 2005 for Michael Jackson, but I had begun praying then not for what I wanted, but for what God willed. I prayed not for him to be vindicated, but for the right result. It would be a lie to say that I wasn’t depressed. I thought about the outcome of the verdict constantly. I was stressed about it and felt really ridiculous for becoming engrossed in someone else’s life, but actually, I feel the same sickness for anyone who is about to lose their life for nothing. It just felt more personal because Michael has been like my best mate for the past 14 or so years, someone who’d make me smile; who’d help me escape just so I could bask in the bliss of his music and dance.
On the morning of June 13, at 5am I had a phone call from a friend telling me that the verdict was about to be read. We had a phone pool going. Guy called me, I called Anna, I called Val. We all got online. We waited. I prayed. I don’t know that I’ve ever prayed with such fervor in my entire life. I cried. I couldn’t feel my palms through the tingling. I felt like they would “get” him on something since the whole trial had seemed like such a set-up. Even the Judge seemed so ridiculously biased and throughout the duration of the trial, he had not granted one single motion that MJ’s team had made.
So, I prayed. With each count read out one by one, I thought about how Michael must have felt. I thought mostly about his children – what would they do without a father? Who would take them? How could they ever have a normal life? I cried and prayed for them. With each "not guilty” read, a flood of tears escaped my eyes and I prayed until I waited for the next one.
“Not guilty.” I praised God and prayed until all the counts had been read and found innocent. He was cleared of all 14 charges. Vindicated, proven innocent. We celebrated. We went out for dinner, we cried, we hung out it was just so brilliant that it was all over.
Of course there were many who said that just because he “got off” didn’t mean he was innocent – however, I always wondered that if he had been found guilty and sentenced to 26 yrs (or life) in prison, if anyone would have ever turned around and said, “Well that doesn’t really mean he’s guilty!” … The answer is a resounding no. And here’s why;
Michael Jackson isn’t your average Joe. He suffers from vitiligo, he has had plastic surgery, he doesn’t look “normal” like you or I, and apparently eccentricities and all those things are requisites of a guilty man. If Michael Jackson was a very normal looking man who did all the same humanitarian things he has done, if he was masculine looking and had striking good looks, the case would have been heckled out of court. It only went on as long and as dramatically as it did, because it was Michael Jackson and because of the stigma that has been attached to his name since day one.
I used to put Michael Jackson on pedestal and I idolized him, but I’ve realized that he is also human. He is a man, a very human one, with human feelings and emotions just like you or I. He isn’t a robot, there is only so much a man can take without being broken. He inspires me because he still to this day can walk with his chin held high and hasn’t changed one little bit despite the wicked words and continual ridicule.
To some people he might be just a weirdo, an eccentric freak who is now “washed-up” but my own; almost lifetime research has shown me (and thankfully lots of people who have been willing to listen to me) otherwise.
During the trial, at one point when I bought my very first bible, I opened it up looking for words of comfort and it was this passage that was the first one I looked at and it stayed with me until the end of the trial.
Disclaimer, this is really long and I apologize, but I didn’t really want to condense it, so don’t read it if you don’t want to, but this is one of my most personal and honest entry yet. Also, the original topic at Sunday Scribblings said "research" and now it says google, well I've already done my entry, so research it is! haha.
Michael Jackson
I became a huge Michael Jackson fan when I was probably in 5th grade. He was my first celebrity crush. He was my first favorite singer, he was the first song I ever remember hearing and seeing a video to (The Bad video is the first video if you’re interested) I remember the allegations that came up in 1993. I remembered being informed by my best friend that her Dad had told them it was just people wanting money from him. Of course, I never believed anything different. I was only 9 or 10. I remember the “come back” album, HIStory. The nuts MJ obsession that ensued from then on was pretty full on.
I talked, walked, lived, breathed drank anything and everything Michael Jackson. I collected tiny pictures, articles, second hand vinyls, albums, Jackson 5, The Jackson’s, MJ magazines, videos, footage, anything you can imagine. I wrote him letter after letter after letter that my Mum always promised to send to him. (I could never figure out why he didn’t write me back.) I kept writing letters until I was about 18 or 19, but I kept them to myself after and shared them with no one.
I became heavily involved in the Michael Jackson online fan community in 1997 and never looked back. I met people from all around the world and at one stage had more than 30 Michael Jackson penpals from Sweden, Holland, UK, Israel, Germany, Japan, New Zealand, Turkey, Lithuania, Denmark, Slovenia and so many more. I loved those people like they were my best friends. Some of them, I am still in contact with. I met fans from Australia (and other countries), five of whom I consider like my best friends (people that comment/read here, Caro, Val, Anna, Dorinny, Vicky) With these friends, I learned about different backgrounds, I learned survival talk in a lot of languages (French, Dutch, German and Slovenian.) I learned about the way their countries work, the traditions, backgrounds and all sorts of interesting things. Many of these friends I used to speak regularly to by telephone (especially one very special Israeli friend, Sharona.)
When I turned 18, I traveled to New York to see Michael Jackson by myself. It is something that I never ever would have considered had I not been a fan. I always wanted to travel, I always wanted to do something independent and so many people told me I was crazy and that it was a waste of my money and time. But I met two wonderful, wonderful fans, one of whom was from the UK who took me under her wing and befriended me. It is not often that I am completely honest about my intentions for traveling to New York. I usually tell people that I was “in the neighbourhood” that I didn’t go solely for MJ, but honestly? I did. I wanted to see him and I knew that there was no chance of him coming back to Australia. Some people call it groupie behavior, but I had never felt about another single person the way I felt about MJ. I didn’t expect I would marry him, I didn’t expect I would become his friend till the end. I just wanted to shake his hand and say, “Hi Michael, I love you and thank you for everything you’ve given to me.”
By that I mean inspiration. I hate the typical, “Michael saved me!” fan stories – but it’s the truth. I spent a lot of time in my early teen years in and out of hospital with an illness that I wouldn’t ever let on the severity to anyone except my family. At school I got ridiculed beyond belief, I really believed a lot of that time I was about to die. I didn’t really have an abundance of friends or anyone who I felt cared too much except my parents and grandparents, so I looked to music and to other things for consolement. Cheesily enough, Michael Jackson’s music always spoke to me. The footage I’d watched endlessly of him visiting sick kids, donating money, always being a voice for the voiceless, that really made me feel like he cared. His writings, his words, his poetry, his thoughts and open sentiments, they always touched my heart even from my younger days. He didn’t save me, but he gave me inspiration to keep the faith and never give up hope.
Because of the help of the insistent UK fan, that dream of meeting Michael Jackson came true. I got to talk to Michael Jackson in his car. I got to tell him thank you. I was able to stay calm enough to say that he was my biggest inspiration and that I loved him for everything. I was able to hold his hand. I was able to tell the world that Michael Jackson caressed my hand, talked to me, told me he also loved me and appreciated me, that it was his honor to meet me. He asked me if I was okay, how I enjoyed my trip, how I liked Australia, my name, he touched my face. And despite the fact that he tells all the fans he loves them? Well, for that moment in time, he told me, directly to me that he loved me. It was enough to inspire me for almost another decade and he helped me create the happiest and most exciting day of my life.
In 2003 almost exactly 10 years to the day of the 1993 allegations, new ones broke. Now, I had spent a lot of time researching the first Michael Jackson case. I know lots of things that the general public wouldn’t know. Like for instance, Michael Jackson never wanted to settle the case civilly. I had to research American Law. I found that you couldn’t have a criminal suit before a civil suit. I found out that Michael Jackson fought to have this reversed. He wanted it to be tried in a criminal suit (for those who don’t understand, this means he would never have paid Jordan Chandler, but rather would have went before a jury just like he did in 2005 and had it tried properly) but the judge denied the motion. He was given bogus advice and was in the prime of his success and so he was basically forced to settle for the price they agreed upon civilly. Additionally, David Schwartz, the stepfather of the accuser, secretly taped a conversation with Evan Chandler (the accusers father) to later use to help Michael Jackson (but later Schwartz jumped ships and decided to join in the extortion).
“There are other people involved that are waiting for my phone call that are in certain positions. I’ve paid them to do it. Everything’s going according to a certain plan that isn’t just mine. Once I make that phone call, this guy [his attorney, Barry K. Rothman, presumably] is going to destroy everybody in sight in any devious, nasty, cruel way that he can do it. And I’ve given him full authority to do that” (Chandler to Shwartz)
Chandler then predicted what would, in fact, transpire six weeks later: “And if I go through with this, I win big-time. There’s no way I lose. I’ve checked that inside out. I will get everything I want, and they will be destroyed forever. June will lose [custody of the son]...and Michael’s career will be over.”
“Does that help [the boy]?” Schwartz asked.
“That’s irrelevant to me,” Chandler replied.
“It’s going to be bigger than all of us put together. The whole thing is going
to crash down on everybody and destroy everybody in sight. It will be a massacre
if I don’t get what I want.”
(GQ “Was Michael Jackson Framed?” October, 1994 )
Of course the above never really made it to press because the world was too busy tripping over themselves to see their own Peter Pan turned pervert. And while the world always asked, “If he was innocent, why did he settle?” I always wondered, “If you were any sort of parent, wouldn’t you have wanted justice to prevail so the “predator” doesn’t strike again?)
The 2003 allegations seemed more serious, people ran with the idea that since he was accused once and “got off” (even though he was actually never charged with anything at all in 1993/1994) it must of course be a silent admission of guilt. The accusers were predictable and ridiculous this time around though, and unlike Evan Chandler, Janet Arviso (the mother of the 2003 accuser) wasn’t very bright.
I was forced to research this one to the high heavens and learn about U.S Law faster than I could blink. It blew up very quickly and before I knew it, my hero had been arrested, handcuffed and charged with 14 counts of misconduct with a minor known from the disgusting Martin Bashir interview (February 6, 2003) as Gavin Arviso.
It surprised no one that Tom Sneddon, the District Attorney who was in charge of the 1993 investigation, was also heading the 2003 investigation. Furthermore, the same media mogul, Diane Dimond who broke the 1993 case was also allowed special access to “break” the 2003 case (her Court TV crew was at Neverland the day both raids occurred before any other journalists new). During 1993 Michael Jackson was forced to submit to “investigative” photographs of his genitalia to “prove” that the accusations Jordan Chandler had made about particular scarring in that area was the case. Later most media outlets failed to report, was not actually the case (there was no match to the child’s description) Despite the fact that these photos were supposed to be sealed, a former friend of Sneddon’s had recounted that he had, in fact, passed them around and “shared a laugh”.
In a press conference just after Michael Jackson’s 2003 arrest Sneddon was critisised for referring to Michael as “Wacko Jacko”, and also for speaking prematurely having been quoted saying, “we got him!” (ha)
I felt from the get-go that the case was a witch-hunt. I supported Michael Jackson whole-heartedly until I had red-handed evidence to prove otherwise. (I’m one of those very few people who believe in innocent until proven guilty, not guilty until proven guilty.) I am a very independent thinking person; I am also a very intelligent person and became offended when people would brand me a “naïve fan”. I did my research, and I did it very well. I knew what I believed and why I believed it and unlike the people who accused me of being blinded by my admiration, I didn’t just rely on the news vendors to feed me their idea of “balanced information”. I decided that after all Michael had done to enrich my life indirectly, I would also like to help bring him support, even if it was also indirect.
I did a lot of radio interviews within Australia sharing my knowledge. I was interviewed by newspapers and I helped organize some information distribution within Sydney along with a group of Australian Michael Jackson fans. Then my lovely friend Dorinny and I, decided in April 2005 that we wanted to go to Santa Maria to support him.
We didn’t expect to meet him, we just wanted to be another face in the supporting crowd. One more banner, one more voice shouting support, we knew that it gave him the strength to get up and go to court every morning and to keep his head held high. He was looking at a jail term of up to 26 yrs. Of course each time I had a fleeting thought of this, tears would well up in my eyes and I couldn’t even begin to grasp any sort of reality of it.
We read transcripts of what was going on in the courtroom on a daily basis (and let me tell you now, unless you read those transcripts, you really didn’t learn anything about what kind of people screwed Michael Jackson over). 45 seats were raffled off every morning to the public and so fans would also come back each afternoon and give their reports. We read the backlash media reports making Michael Jackson out to sound like some kind of sinister freak who created Neverland to reel in the children.
I’m sorry though, 2 victims in ten years? Wow, he really knows what he wants doesn’t he? A very particular man who is amongst a smorgasbord of children and has been for the past 25 years – erm, really that makes no sense. The other “accusers” that popped up during the trial, were pretty much heckled out by the media as well.
Dorin and I got to California and hoped that perhaps we might get in to the courtroom and observe just once, but we were not expecting it. Low and behold, the very first day there we got our ticket and got to sit in, just meters away from our hero. We sat through a day of court, hearing witnesses testify for the prosecution, and then cross-examined by Thomas Mesereau, Michael’s champion lawyer who would cut down the witnesses and show us just how laughable their testimonies were.
I had the good fortune of watching Janet Arviso (the mother of the accuser) and I found myself along with media, and jurors laughing at her ridiculous claims. (Michael Jackson was evil and wanted to make them disappear by putting them on a hot air balloon. No, seriously. – Apparently they’d disappear in to thin air and no one would hear of them again? Wow Michael, you’re such a genius.) The entire time Michael just watched on, sometimes shaking his head, sometimes looking at the desk he was sitting at.
We would go to Neverland every day after court. (We got in to the court room 3 times on my 4th day I left early because I was sick.), on the way out-racing Michael Jackson’s car, winding down our windows screaming our support to his car window and waving frantically, showing our banners and trying to avoid car accidents.
It humbled my heart to see just how many fans were there from all over the world in support for him. We met fans from France, Sweden, UK, Spain, other U.S cities, Poland, etc.
In my time I had put together a special book for Michael that I had hoped that I could give to one of his security or someone working for him to give to him. It was a book of all the letters I had ever written him (the ones that I mentioned earlier that my Mum had promised to send had been found in a drawer when I moved away at about 16 yrs old, plus the ones I had kept writing). I also included photos of my friends and other Aussie fans, things I’d written about him in the past, and special little Michael Jackson projects I’d put together… The thing is, as a Michael Jackson fan you’ll know that he loves to receive personally made gifts more than material ones. He loves to collect banners and letters and cards and things, so I really felt like my idea would be original. You can see some of my book here.
At Neverland after the first day in Santa Maria, I managed to give him my book personally. It was heavy and he took it from me as I passed it through his car window, someone else helped him take it (his Mother) as I told him that we were there from Australia and he said thank you and God Bless Australia. Of course, the added bonus was him holding out his hand to me. I gave it a little squeeze and said “I love you.” And I felt him squeeze my hand back.
I stayed in Santa Maria for 12 days (Dorin could only stay for five) and had another chance to speak to him on my second last day. It was very brief but I got to hold his hand again and tell him, I was always supporting him no matter what. He said, “Thank you, God bless you.” And held my hand again. There were moments where we held banners for him just kms from his home where he slowed his car and had his father film us while he waved and smiled. (And gosh, how brilliant was it to see him still being able to find joy at a time like that.) and I never regretted a second of my trip, despite being told by others that I would.
The trial ended on June 13, 2005. As it loomed closer, my friends and I became more scared. It was around the time that I traveled overseas (but must I stress, not for this reason) that I began to find solace in God. I had been praying a lot over 2004 and 2005 for Michael Jackson, but I had begun praying then not for what I wanted, but for what God willed. I prayed not for him to be vindicated, but for the right result. It would be a lie to say that I wasn’t depressed. I thought about the outcome of the verdict constantly. I was stressed about it and felt really ridiculous for becoming engrossed in someone else’s life, but actually, I feel the same sickness for anyone who is about to lose their life for nothing. It just felt more personal because Michael has been like my best mate for the past 14 or so years, someone who’d make me smile; who’d help me escape just so I could bask in the bliss of his music and dance.
On the morning of June 13, at 5am I had a phone call from a friend telling me that the verdict was about to be read. We had a phone pool going. Guy called me, I called Anna, I called Val. We all got online. We waited. I prayed. I don’t know that I’ve ever prayed with such fervor in my entire life. I cried. I couldn’t feel my palms through the tingling. I felt like they would “get” him on something since the whole trial had seemed like such a set-up. Even the Judge seemed so ridiculously biased and throughout the duration of the trial, he had not granted one single motion that MJ’s team had made.
So, I prayed. With each count read out one by one, I thought about how Michael must have felt. I thought mostly about his children – what would they do without a father? Who would take them? How could they ever have a normal life? I cried and prayed for them. With each "not guilty” read, a flood of tears escaped my eyes and I prayed until I waited for the next one.
“Not guilty.” I praised God and prayed until all the counts had been read and found innocent. He was cleared of all 14 charges. Vindicated, proven innocent. We celebrated. We went out for dinner, we cried, we hung out it was just so brilliant that it was all over.
Of course there were many who said that just because he “got off” didn’t mean he was innocent – however, I always wondered that if he had been found guilty and sentenced to 26 yrs (or life) in prison, if anyone would have ever turned around and said, “Well that doesn’t really mean he’s guilty!” … The answer is a resounding no. And here’s why;
Michael Jackson isn’t your average Joe. He suffers from vitiligo, he has had plastic surgery, he doesn’t look “normal” like you or I, and apparently eccentricities and all those things are requisites of a guilty man. If Michael Jackson was a very normal looking man who did all the same humanitarian things he has done, if he was masculine looking and had striking good looks, the case would have been heckled out of court. It only went on as long and as dramatically as it did, because it was Michael Jackson and because of the stigma that has been attached to his name since day one.
I used to put Michael Jackson on pedestal and I idolized him, but I’ve realized that he is also human. He is a man, a very human one, with human feelings and emotions just like you or I. He isn’t a robot, there is only so much a man can take without being broken. He inspires me because he still to this day can walk with his chin held high and hasn’t changed one little bit despite the wicked words and continual ridicule.
To some people he might be just a weirdo, an eccentric freak who is now “washed-up” but my own; almost lifetime research has shown me (and thankfully lots of people who have been willing to listen to me) otherwise.
During the trial, at one point when I bought my very first bible, I opened it up looking for words of comfort and it was this passage that was the first one I looked at and it stayed with me until the end of the trial.
“But Look! God will not reject a person of integrity, nor will he make evildoers prosper. He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy. Those who hate you will be clothed in shame and the tent of the wicked shall be destroyed.” – Job 8:20Michael Jackson, to the world you might just be one person, but to this one person you mean the world. Thank you for everything you’ve given me – both directly and indirectly.
I'm the worst friend on the face of the planet
Seriously.
My friend's wedding party? It's on now and I'm not there. I'm one of those people that are so anti-social that will do just about anything or make up any excuse not to have to go to something that involves me interacting with people I've never met because I do feel that socially retarded. However, this was not one of those things and I was really looking forward to going because Caro was excited about me meeting some of her friends, and I've met some of them before and they were easy-going. Also, I hadn't seen her fiance's family in a long time and it would be nice to see them again.
So what happened? I was relying on my Mum to drive me out, cos its about 1.30hr from here. She was going to go visit a friend just so I could go for an hour or two (since I had no other way of getting there or getting home) and she thought it was sunday. I went to bed knowing it was today, but for some reason when I woke up, I remembered thinking "wait up, today is only the 15th....Wow, thank God I checked that... that would be so embarrassing turning up today." That was about 10am, then I mosied around the house for awhile and watched TV and at about 12, I was checking a forum that I frequent, and I remembered a bulletin the artist posted about an album coming out "on the 16th" and at midnight he said, "you can buy it today!" .... and then it dawned on me. (Isn't it effed up how things dawn on you like that?) so I rush out to my Mum thinking it wasn't too late, I'd just have to get dressed and I'd be late.
I yelled at my Mum for not reminding me. We got in to a fight (she was still in her pajamas) she says "too bad, it's too late." She too, apparently thought it was tomorrow. So she refused to do anything about it. So I had to call and cancel.
I'm really, really upset about it. And bless her she was so understanding, but gosh, if it were me, I'd be so pissed and I'd be wondering where my friend's priorities are... I am trying to think of other ways to get there, but unfortunately they don't come with ways to get back...
I'm the biggest asshole friend on the face of the planet, and Caro, it's okay if you feel that way too. :( I promise I would never have wanted to miss it in a million years.
My friend's wedding party? It's on now and I'm not there. I'm one of those people that are so anti-social that will do just about anything or make up any excuse not to have to go to something that involves me interacting with people I've never met because I do feel that socially retarded. However, this was not one of those things and I was really looking forward to going because Caro was excited about me meeting some of her friends, and I've met some of them before and they were easy-going. Also, I hadn't seen her fiance's family in a long time and it would be nice to see them again.
So what happened? I was relying on my Mum to drive me out, cos its about 1.30hr from here. She was going to go visit a friend just so I could go for an hour or two (since I had no other way of getting there or getting home) and she thought it was sunday. I went to bed knowing it was today, but for some reason when I woke up, I remembered thinking "wait up, today is only the 15th....Wow, thank God I checked that... that would be so embarrassing turning up today." That was about 10am, then I mosied around the house for awhile and watched TV and at about 12, I was checking a forum that I frequent, and I remembered a bulletin the artist posted about an album coming out "on the 16th" and at midnight he said, "you can buy it today!" .... and then it dawned on me. (Isn't it effed up how things dawn on you like that?) so I rush out to my Mum thinking it wasn't too late, I'd just have to get dressed and I'd be late.
I yelled at my Mum for not reminding me. We got in to a fight (she was still in her pajamas) she says "too bad, it's too late." She too, apparently thought it was tomorrow. So she refused to do anything about it. So I had to call and cancel.
I'm really, really upset about it. And bless her she was so understanding, but gosh, if it were me, I'd be so pissed and I'd be wondering where my friend's priorities are... I am trying to think of other ways to get there, but unfortunately they don't come with ways to get back...
I'm the biggest asshole friend on the face of the planet, and Caro, it's okay if you feel that way too. :( I promise I would never have wanted to miss it in a million years.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
At last some progress...
Thank the good Lord for Ice Gel which numbs all my troubles away...
So we're making slow and steady progress. After spending the past 4 days bawling my eyes out like a 5 yr old in absolute agony, I feel slightly better. My legs aren't aching as hardcore as they were, and it seems afforementioned stupid doctor may not have been so stupid after all. Oopsie. However, that doesn't take away the fact that she was dumb for not listening when I said I was in so much pain that panadol wasn't doing anything.
I have things planned next week so I really hope that I feel better. Also, Caro has her wedding party this weekend and I want to be better by then. Since, I still don't have my car (we put it in to be fixed on monday) I'm having my Mum drive me out to Caro's which is cool. I don't know how long I'll stay, I guess it depends on how my stupid legs are going.
In other news, Penny and I were very excited to know that Placebo are in fact in Australia. I'm an idiot though, cause I haven't been keeping up with any gig guides over the past few months and I had no idea they were even touring. And in fact, if I wasn't so sick and had a bit of initiative about me, I could have got tickets to see them at Rove the other night. If their concert was in October, I'd have loved to have gone, but the concert is here in Melbourne on Friday night and well... I don't really have any money to be throwing around at gigs anymore. Next time. Did I mention that Brian Molko has such pretty eyes??
Anyhoozle. At least I can sit at the computer for more than half an hour without wanting to go and eat a bowl full of painkillers and pass out in bed for a couple of days.
Thanks to everyone for your lovely thoughtful messages. I hope I continue to get better from here on. I don't want to speak too soon though.
xoxo
Jess
So we're making slow and steady progress. After spending the past 4 days bawling my eyes out like a 5 yr old in absolute agony, I feel slightly better. My legs aren't aching as hardcore as they were, and it seems afforementioned stupid doctor may not have been so stupid after all. Oopsie. However, that doesn't take away the fact that she was dumb for not listening when I said I was in so much pain that panadol wasn't doing anything.
I have things planned next week so I really hope that I feel better. Also, Caro has her wedding party this weekend and I want to be better by then. Since, I still don't have my car (we put it in to be fixed on monday) I'm having my Mum drive me out to Caro's which is cool. I don't know how long I'll stay, I guess it depends on how my stupid legs are going.
In other news, Penny and I were very excited to know that Placebo are in fact in Australia. I'm an idiot though, cause I haven't been keeping up with any gig guides over the past few months and I had no idea they were even touring. And in fact, if I wasn't so sick and had a bit of initiative about me, I could have got tickets to see them at Rove the other night. If their concert was in October, I'd have loved to have gone, but the concert is here in Melbourne on Friday night and well... I don't really have any money to be throwing around at gigs anymore. Next time. Did I mention that Brian Molko has such pretty eyes??
Anyhoozle. At least I can sit at the computer for more than half an hour without wanting to go and eat a bowl full of painkillers and pass out in bed for a couple of days.
Thanks to everyone for your lovely thoughtful messages. I hope I continue to get better from here on. I don't want to speak too soon though.
xoxo
Jess
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Viral Arthritis... is it even possible?
Ok here's medical report #423044.
I went back to the dr today okay. 3 days ago, I woke up to pain in my legs, over the day it got progressively worse til yesterday afternoon, I was crying in pain. The only relief I could get was lying in the one spot and not moving at all for hours. I slept as much as I could. I slept til about 2pm, went back to sleep at 4pm, and went to bed around 9:30pm. The pain started from my thighs to my lower shins. Just a dull ache. No swelling, no redness, no muscular ache. It wasn't even sore to the touch. My joints just ached really bad and I couldn't get comfortable.
I couldn't sit up for more than a few minutes at a time. I couldn't walk around much. The only time I experienced full pain relief was when I was lying in the bathtub of really hot water. After the bath I had temporary pain relief, and eventually just had to go and lay down again.
I woke up this morning with the same. Crying my eyes out all morning. Finally, I went back to the doctor only to be informed she was running really late. I wasn't able to sit up for that long, so I asked to see the next available doctor. I made my Mum come with me this time. The dr I saw, looked all of about 12 yrs old. She hardly spoke English and so we explained my symptoms. She checked me over. I told her about my main concern, my legs...
She asked questions. I told her it was just pain. She tells Mum that it's probably because of the virus that I've just had and that it's in my bones. She said, "viral arthritis." Rightio then. She said "You'll probably find it'll get better by about two weeks."
TWO WEEKS???? I'm sorry lady, I can't handle it for even 1 more day :( :( :(
She tells me, "take paracetamol." Good Lord... if paracetamol helped me, do you think I'd even be here?? My Mum said to her, "She was up all night crying in pain, paracetamol isn't doing a thing." she paused for like ... 15 seconds and then nodded knowingly and said again, "Take paracetamol..."
.... wha... ???
What a bloody waste of time. I got home, fell back in to bed and cried all afternoon. I had a bath and rubbed ice gel in to it. And it's given me some pain relief, thankfully, I am able to sit up for a bit. I can feel the pain still but it's not as bad as it was earlier. I'm not crying anymore? I hope that it gets progressively better, because right now it hurts so much. :(
I have a wedding party to go to this weekend, and also I have stuff planned next week. :(:( I've been praying a lot about this illness, cos I feel like it's really brought me right down in an already crappy few weeks, but I just want to feel completely well. I hope that this, like everything else will pass, God willing.
xox
Jess
I went back to the dr today okay. 3 days ago, I woke up to pain in my legs, over the day it got progressively worse til yesterday afternoon, I was crying in pain. The only relief I could get was lying in the one spot and not moving at all for hours. I slept as much as I could. I slept til about 2pm, went back to sleep at 4pm, and went to bed around 9:30pm. The pain started from my thighs to my lower shins. Just a dull ache. No swelling, no redness, no muscular ache. It wasn't even sore to the touch. My joints just ached really bad and I couldn't get comfortable.
I couldn't sit up for more than a few minutes at a time. I couldn't walk around much. The only time I experienced full pain relief was when I was lying in the bathtub of really hot water. After the bath I had temporary pain relief, and eventually just had to go and lay down again.
I woke up this morning with the same. Crying my eyes out all morning. Finally, I went back to the doctor only to be informed she was running really late. I wasn't able to sit up for that long, so I asked to see the next available doctor. I made my Mum come with me this time. The dr I saw, looked all of about 12 yrs old. She hardly spoke English and so we explained my symptoms. She checked me over. I told her about my main concern, my legs...
She asked questions. I told her it was just pain. She tells Mum that it's probably because of the virus that I've just had and that it's in my bones. She said, "viral arthritis." Rightio then. She said "You'll probably find it'll get better by about two weeks."
TWO WEEKS???? I'm sorry lady, I can't handle it for even 1 more day :( :( :(
She tells me, "take paracetamol." Good Lord... if paracetamol helped me, do you think I'd even be here?? My Mum said to her, "She was up all night crying in pain, paracetamol isn't doing a thing." she paused for like ... 15 seconds and then nodded knowingly and said again, "Take paracetamol..."
.... wha... ???
What a bloody waste of time. I got home, fell back in to bed and cried all afternoon. I had a bath and rubbed ice gel in to it. And it's given me some pain relief, thankfully, I am able to sit up for a bit. I can feel the pain still but it's not as bad as it was earlier. I'm not crying anymore? I hope that it gets progressively better, because right now it hurts so much. :(
I have a wedding party to go to this weekend, and also I have stuff planned next week. :(:( I've been praying a lot about this illness, cos I feel like it's really brought me right down in an already crappy few weeks, but I just want to feel completely well. I hope that this, like everything else will pass, God willing.
xox
Jess
Monday, September 11, 2006
Why oh why won't you go away?
My bones hurt. I know that sounds funny, but my chest bone, tailbone, spine, my hip bones, my ribs, my knees, my shins... everything aches. It hurts to be sitting up and it hurts to be laying down. It hurts to put any pressure on any of them. It's really painful and nothing is relieving it. It started to get progressively worse over yesterday. I've tried to sleep it off but it didn't work. I spent all morning until about 2pm today trying to sleep it off, but it's still as painful as it was last night.
I'm so over being sick. The whole coughing thing, the feeling of constant indigestion. Ouch. And damn my freakin really poor lung capacity. It'd be great if I could cough without feeling like I'm going to become deprived of oxygen in the process. *Punches self in lung*
:( My Mum tells me the aching bones thing is just the virus, but I'm not convinced. I'm going to go back to the drs tomorrow. Which reminds me, I need to take my antibiotics. I keep forgetting.
:(:(
I'm so over being sick. The whole coughing thing, the feeling of constant indigestion. Ouch. And damn my freakin really poor lung capacity. It'd be great if I could cough without feeling like I'm going to become deprived of oxygen in the process. *Punches self in lung*
:( My Mum tells me the aching bones thing is just the virus, but I'm not convinced. I'm going to go back to the drs tomorrow. Which reminds me, I need to take my antibiotics. I keep forgetting.
:(:(
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Day 6 of the dreaded virus.
Yuck :(
I've been sitting at the computer for small intervals throughout the past 2 days, so I know I'm getting better slowly. My head hurts still so much. My taste buds no longer work. My right ear is blocked and it's bugging the crap out of me. I've probably lost a few kgs cos I have hardly eaten anything.
I'm all coughed out. Literally. I'm sure that over the past three nights my Mum and stepfather have wanted to break in to my room and actually smother me with a pillow. Each time I'd fall asleep I'd be woken up again by my own coughing. It's really hard for me when I get a really deep chest cough cos it's difficult to find the lung capacity to inhale deep enough to cough it out. It usually takes a good couple of minutes to cough up each turn. It's frustrating and it gives me the worst chest pains and headaches. Imagine the annoying sound of a constant cough?
Each time I'd wake up and do that I'd see my dog looking at me at the end of my bed with an evil twinkle in her eye pretending to sleep on the pillow, but I'm sure seconds prior to my waking, she was about to suffocate me with it.
Anyway, since I have no idea where my good ol'e trusty vapouriser disappeared to (I have a strange suspicion some bright spark gave it to my neice) my Mum is currently trying to push me into buying a new one. I'm such a scrooge though at the moment, and don't really want to fork over the money when I know my cough should completely leave me in about a month (haha).
I have to go back to the dr on tuesday. My back and my tummy are in so much coughing pain... Or perhaps more straining from the cough. I still need more rest tho. It's just such crap to be so sick. I hate it. blah.
I just had a spaghetti sandwich which tasted like pineapple (my taste buds are screwed, I tell you) and for some reason everything I drink tastes like cheap alcohol (and I don't really like alcohol).
So that's about that for now. I'm going back to lay down and inevitably watch more episodes of the Fresh Prince (yes, I know, there's only so many episodes, but I've watched a couple multiple times now... I'm really that sad.)
Jess
I've been sitting at the computer for small intervals throughout the past 2 days, so I know I'm getting better slowly. My head hurts still so much. My taste buds no longer work. My right ear is blocked and it's bugging the crap out of me. I've probably lost a few kgs cos I have hardly eaten anything.
I'm all coughed out. Literally. I'm sure that over the past three nights my Mum and stepfather have wanted to break in to my room and actually smother me with a pillow. Each time I'd fall asleep I'd be woken up again by my own coughing. It's really hard for me when I get a really deep chest cough cos it's difficult to find the lung capacity to inhale deep enough to cough it out. It usually takes a good couple of minutes to cough up each turn. It's frustrating and it gives me the worst chest pains and headaches. Imagine the annoying sound of a constant cough?
Each time I'd wake up and do that I'd see my dog looking at me at the end of my bed with an evil twinkle in her eye pretending to sleep on the pillow, but I'm sure seconds prior to my waking, she was about to suffocate me with it.
Anyway, since I have no idea where my good ol'e trusty vapouriser disappeared to (I have a strange suspicion some bright spark gave it to my neice) my Mum is currently trying to push me into buying a new one. I'm such a scrooge though at the moment, and don't really want to fork over the money when I know my cough should completely leave me in about a month (haha).
I have to go back to the dr on tuesday. My back and my tummy are in so much coughing pain... Or perhaps more straining from the cough. I still need more rest tho. It's just such crap to be so sick. I hate it. blah.
I just had a spaghetti sandwich which tasted like pineapple (my taste buds are screwed, I tell you) and for some reason everything I drink tastes like cheap alcohol (and I don't really like alcohol).
So that's about that for now. I'm going back to lay down and inevitably watch more episodes of the Fresh Prince (yes, I know, there's only so many episodes, but I've watched a couple multiple times now... I'm really that sad.)
Jess
Friday, September 08, 2006
Sunday Scribbling #24 - I would never write...
I’ve had my very own online journal since diaryland opened in 1998 (that’s 8 years ago!) and in that time I have made many mistakes with the posting of private information about myself, my friends and other people. I would write freely, naively thinking that the only people reading were one or two close friends.
I got popular and moved on to my own self-made website blog. I no longer referred to friends as single initials. My blogs then included pictures and more detailed information. All of my online friends and all of my offline friends would read. Knowing this, whenever I’d have a fight with a friend, I would post about it cryptically on my journal, leaving all of my friends wondering if it was them that I was slurring and bitching about. I kinda liked causing a bit of drama, it kept things interesting.
Then something happened. I felt momentarily upset about a stupid incident with my very best friend. So, what did I do? I wrote her a letter. I posted it on my journal. It was clear to all of my readers who I was talking about. I left out names of course, but it wasn’t rocket science. I listed all of her faults, and listing my only fault was thinking that she cared about me. This was letter was single-handedly responsible for ending a 5 year long inseparable friendship with one of the closest friends I’d ever had.
It was all because of an irrational, and only temporary feeling. If I had slept on it before posting it and still felt the same way in the morning then things would have been different. But because of all the words that I acted as if had bled out of me after just a little grazing, I hurt my friend irreparably.
Months later, apologies were made amicably, though things had just been too far damaged to actually just move on and grow as friends. And I didn’t blame her at all.
So since then I have learned a very precious and valuable lesson.
I will never ever write a letter to one of my friends online. Write cryptically about an argument I’ve had with one of my friends hoping that she/he reads what I’ve written about them and feels hurt, I will never try to stir any drama through my blog or write in too much detail about my friends or family’s lives. I will never write their names unless I know that it’s completely okay with them.
And 4 years since I wrote that silly letter on my website, said best-friend and I have only just completely reconciled and are in constant and completely comfortable contact again. For that, I am so supremely grateful.
http://sundayscribblings.blogspot.com
I got popular and moved on to my own self-made website blog. I no longer referred to friends as single initials. My blogs then included pictures and more detailed information. All of my online friends and all of my offline friends would read. Knowing this, whenever I’d have a fight with a friend, I would post about it cryptically on my journal, leaving all of my friends wondering if it was them that I was slurring and bitching about. I kinda liked causing a bit of drama, it kept things interesting.
Then something happened. I felt momentarily upset about a stupid incident with my very best friend. So, what did I do? I wrote her a letter. I posted it on my journal. It was clear to all of my readers who I was talking about. I left out names of course, but it wasn’t rocket science. I listed all of her faults, and listing my only fault was thinking that she cared about me. This was letter was single-handedly responsible for ending a 5 year long inseparable friendship with one of the closest friends I’d ever had.
It was all because of an irrational, and only temporary feeling. If I had slept on it before posting it and still felt the same way in the morning then things would have been different. But because of all the words that I acted as if had bled out of me after just a little grazing, I hurt my friend irreparably.
Months later, apologies were made amicably, though things had just been too far damaged to actually just move on and grow as friends. And I didn’t blame her at all.
So since then I have learned a very precious and valuable lesson.
I will never ever write a letter to one of my friends online. Write cryptically about an argument I’ve had with one of my friends hoping that she/he reads what I’ve written about them and feels hurt, I will never try to stir any drama through my blog or write in too much detail about my friends or family’s lives. I will never write their names unless I know that it’s completely okay with them.
And 4 years since I wrote that silly letter on my website, said best-friend and I have only just completely reconciled and are in constant and completely comfortable contact again. For that, I am so supremely grateful.
http://sundayscribblings.blogspot.com
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
I'm so pathetic, picture this...
I stayed up all night sleeping in only short intervals, writhing around groaning in absolute pain. I was so exhausted from coughing. I couldn't breathe. I was taking as many shots of ventolin as possible (my heart was beating so freakin' hard) and my head felt really heavy with a migraine that wouldn't go away, even after I slept for a short spell.
I woke up crying and coughing even more but so much that it hurt. My chest rattling, etc. I made an appointment for the dr. I wanted to vomit so bad, but was holding back (I haven't vomited "properly" in ten years, normally I spit up a little by little until I feel satisfied.) So I sat in the drs office bawling my eyes out cos I wanted to throw up so bad. They kept asking if I was okay. I was dizzy and freezing cold. The dr. brought me in to her office and asked if I was fine. I said, "I want to vomitttttttt...." She looked at me like I had two heads, "So vomit?" I said, "I don't wanna vomittttttttttttt...." as I started crying again... She said nothing and sat down haha.
See, I will do anything to get around vomiting, because even though I know I'm "okay" the last time I vomited, I had a major hammorhage and lost about 1 litre and some of bloody and ended up for months in hospital. So perhaps it's a justified phobia. She told me that I have some kind of viral infection and gave me a buttload of antibiotics. She also told me that I had a fever which was why I was so freakin' cold. She basically told me to come home and come straight to bed and not get out lol. (Here I am?)
I've slept for most of the day.... and am taking my antibiotics and paracetamol. But my head still feels so bloody heavy. My Mum is also a little bit better, but we're both feeling really crap. Chest pains ahoy. Sore coughing tummys. I've been laying in bed watching endless Fresh Prince of Bel-air episodes with a cold towel on my head.
And so basically this entry was to paint a picture to you of how much of a whiney baby I am. I'm definitely not a silent trooper haha.
I woke up crying and coughing even more but so much that it hurt. My chest rattling, etc. I made an appointment for the dr. I wanted to vomit so bad, but was holding back (I haven't vomited "properly" in ten years, normally I spit up a little by little until I feel satisfied.) So I sat in the drs office bawling my eyes out cos I wanted to throw up so bad. They kept asking if I was okay. I was dizzy and freezing cold. The dr. brought me in to her office and asked if I was fine. I said, "I want to vomitttttttt...." She looked at me like I had two heads, "So vomit?" I said, "I don't wanna vomittttttttttttt...." as I started crying again... She said nothing and sat down haha.
See, I will do anything to get around vomiting, because even though I know I'm "okay" the last time I vomited, I had a major hammorhage and lost about 1 litre and some of bloody and ended up for months in hospital. So perhaps it's a justified phobia. She told me that I have some kind of viral infection and gave me a buttload of antibiotics. She also told me that I had a fever which was why I was so freakin' cold. She basically told me to come home and come straight to bed and not get out lol. (Here I am?)
I've slept for most of the day.... and am taking my antibiotics and paracetamol. But my head still feels so bloody heavy. My Mum is also a little bit better, but we're both feeling really crap. Chest pains ahoy. Sore coughing tummys. I've been laying in bed watching endless Fresh Prince of Bel-air episodes with a cold towel on my head.
And so basically this entry was to paint a picture to you of how much of a whiney baby I am. I'm definitely not a silent trooper haha.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Monday, September 04, 2006
Sick, sick, always bloody sick.
My Mum has a really bad chest infection. Next week she has to go for a lung test to make sure she doesn't has emphesema since it runs in the fam. Superb.
Somehow I managed to pick up her bug. I have a really heavy cough sitting on my chest that feels really sharp to cough up. I was convinced a little earlier that I was coughing blood cos it tasted all metallic, but of course I was too scared to check. Now I'm convinced I'm just a paranoid moron most of the time.
Anyway, I hope that I don't get as sick as my Mum. I haven't seen her since saturday afternoon. Shes been in bed. I have started taking all the ventolin and the seretide that we have stocked. I'm the resident drug addict -- at least in this household anyway.
I feel like crap. I have a huge headache and my chest kinda hurts. I have the worst after-cough taste in my mouth so I think I'll be all drugged up and in bed early tonight.
BAH!
Somehow I managed to pick up her bug. I have a really heavy cough sitting on my chest that feels really sharp to cough up. I was convinced a little earlier that I was coughing blood cos it tasted all metallic, but of course I was too scared to check. Now I'm convinced I'm just a paranoid moron most of the time.
Anyway, I hope that I don't get as sick as my Mum. I haven't seen her since saturday afternoon. Shes been in bed. I have started taking all the ventolin and the seretide that we have stocked. I'm the resident drug addict -- at least in this household anyway.
I feel like crap. I have a huge headache and my chest kinda hurts. I have the worst after-cough taste in my mouth so I think I'll be all drugged up and in bed early tonight.
BAH!
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Sunday Scribblings: #23 Fortune Cookies
When I think of fortune cookies, I think of fortunes that never ring true – or things that are most obvious. The last time I got a fortune cookie, I was at a restaurant with my Aunt and my Mum. I decided it would be amusing to rumple up the stupid fortune which I knew would never come true, in to a ball.
I lodged the ball in to the end of my drinking straw and shot it at my Mum. I think they were so shocked by my very mature actions that they both just laughed and warned me to cut-it-out. That’s right, you can’t take me anywhere. I’m sure that was the last time anyone from that place will pass me a stupid fortune cookie.
And what’s the g-o with how they taste?! I’m sure if I went home and munched on a piece of dry wall it’d taste about the same. I’m no expert, and I don’t regularly gnaw on dry wall for fun, but if I were to, that’s what I assume it would taste like.
Fortune cookies remind me of The Simpsons. (Everything in life comes back to the Simpsons) when Homer is employed to write the fortunes. He writes one for Mr. Burns saying, “You will find love on Flag Day.” And that day happens to be Flag Day. When the Chinese delivery boy asks for a tip, Mr. Burns puts on a fake accent and says, “Me sowwy, me no speak no Chinese.” And I laughed at it’s inappropriateness.
I read recently on a site that had engagement suggestions, how to pop the question. One of the suggestions was putting the engagement ring in to a fortune cookie. WHAT THE DIDDLY WHAT?! Who actually would do such a gay thing?! (Yes, I’m one of those youngin’s who replace words like ‘stupid’ and ‘ridiculous’ with ‘gay’) Firstly, whatever happened to popping the question like a normal person by getting down on one knee, taking her hand and asking for marriage? And secondly, is that trying to make a statement by saying that you are her fortune? A bit presumptuous mate. If someone proposed to me like that (which, let’s face it, is probably never going to happen.) I’d say no, just because the proposal idea was so dumb – and not to mention, I have a thing about food tampering.
And so that’s my friends, is my Sunday Scribbling on Fortune Cookies.
I lodged the ball in to the end of my drinking straw and shot it at my Mum. I think they were so shocked by my very mature actions that they both just laughed and warned me to cut-it-out. That’s right, you can’t take me anywhere. I’m sure that was the last time anyone from that place will pass me a stupid fortune cookie.
And what’s the g-o with how they taste?! I’m sure if I went home and munched on a piece of dry wall it’d taste about the same. I’m no expert, and I don’t regularly gnaw on dry wall for fun, but if I were to, that’s what I assume it would taste like.
Fortune cookies remind me of The Simpsons. (Everything in life comes back to the Simpsons) when Homer is employed to write the fortunes. He writes one for Mr. Burns saying, “You will find love on Flag Day.” And that day happens to be Flag Day. When the Chinese delivery boy asks for a tip, Mr. Burns puts on a fake accent and says, “Me sowwy, me no speak no Chinese.” And I laughed at it’s inappropriateness.
I read recently on a site that had engagement suggestions, how to pop the question. One of the suggestions was putting the engagement ring in to a fortune cookie. WHAT THE DIDDLY WHAT?! Who actually would do such a gay thing?! (Yes, I’m one of those youngin’s who replace words like ‘stupid’ and ‘ridiculous’ with ‘gay’) Firstly, whatever happened to popping the question like a normal person by getting down on one knee, taking her hand and asking for marriage? And secondly, is that trying to make a statement by saying that you are her fortune? A bit presumptuous mate. If someone proposed to me like that (which, let’s face it, is probably never going to happen.) I’d say no, just because the proposal idea was so dumb – and not to mention, I have a thing about food tampering.
And so that’s my friends, is my Sunday Scribbling on Fortune Cookies.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
It must have been cold out in my shadow...
I hate myself.
Firstly, my friend called me and I said I couldn't hear him. So he said he'd call back. And I purposely let it ring out cause I didn't want to talk.
I opened my bible up to Acts... I started reading but couldn't concentrate
So I just watched Beaches instead with Bette Midler.
And I've cried so hard since it's ended that I've given myself a huge headache and my head is so full of snot.
I'm feeling depressed.
I just want to sleep, but can't, as soon as there's quiet and I'm left to think about things before sleep, I find my eyes filling up with tears.
I'm so pathetic when I'm like this.
I hate being like this.
Firstly, my friend called me and I said I couldn't hear him. So he said he'd call back. And I purposely let it ring out cause I didn't want to talk.
I opened my bible up to Acts... I started reading but couldn't concentrate
So I just watched Beaches instead with Bette Midler.
And I've cried so hard since it's ended that I've given myself a huge headache and my head is so full of snot.
I'm feeling depressed.
I just want to sleep, but can't, as soon as there's quiet and I'm left to think about things before sleep, I find my eyes filling up with tears.
I'm so pathetic when I'm like this.
I hate being like this.
I don't need anybody else cos....
Last night I tried reading the book of Isaiah. I read three chapters, I think. I've read bits and pieces before, but haven't really tried to read it all... To be completely honest, I felt confused. There's so many names and so many places that I forget who's who and where that place is, and who the kings are of what, and why oh why is Jerusalem a whore?! lol. And man, God's so angry. :(
I have a lot of trouble reading a lot of the Old Testament, actually. It's so... blood and guts and God shaking his fist and wanting to kill everyone for their transgressions. I read the book of Job last year and I think that that's the first and only OT book that I've managed to read through and enjoy. The rest is so ... hard and confusing. They're referring to the Lord of David, the Lord of Jacob ... is this not the same Lord?! Ahhh. Confusing. I gave up and turned to the Psalms instead, cause I wasn't getting too much comfort from God through Isaiah. :/
Ebaying going well. I put a pair of pajamas on ebay. They are second hand, that I've worn a bit and made no secret of it. Well, I put a $5 price on it, thinking that I'd probably drop it down cos I didn't even expect them to go for that much... They are pretty cute and they're licenced Scooby Doo PJs... but still... They have 9 bids and are at $20.50! Whoo hoo!
I'm still waiting to be paid for three jobs, and then I can get my car fixed and it seems again as though I have bills coming out of my ears. I'm trying to be really, really careful with money... Trying. (Sometimes failing). I know I have to get priorities straight in terms of bills though because I'm planning to go to Sydney next month and I'll need to put a little bit aside each week for that.
Meanwhile... I'm bored. I need a new project on the internet to keep me amused. My friend and I started this ---> http://mjjinsider.blogspot.com awhile ago... and we killed ourselves laughing at our great wit -- then obviously a couple days later decided we couldn't be bothered anymore, but I wish I had the creative energy to keep poking fun of the news. I want to do something that requires more of my brain than playing tetris or bloody slide puzzle games online.
Australian Idol is pretty cool this year. My favourites are; Reigan Derry, Damien (the Irish guy), Nathanial, Lisa Mitchell (just cos she's cute and reminds me a bit of Dorin) and pretty Ricky. Oh, Jessica Mauboy is good and so is Joseph... Now that I've named half of the top 12, I'm off to go and have a shower and wash my hair. Saturday afternoon special.
My Mum has gone for a job interview today. It annoys me a little that here I am in my 22 yr old glory, and can't get a supermarket job, but my Mum who's 50 can get an interview. WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM ME!? ... Anyway, I hope she gets it. I won't have to hear as many money woes and we'll possibly have more groceries, hence this will alleviate me from having to spend so much money each week on food.
I have a lot of trouble reading a lot of the Old Testament, actually. It's so... blood and guts and God shaking his fist and wanting to kill everyone for their transgressions. I read the book of Job last year and I think that that's the first and only OT book that I've managed to read through and enjoy. The rest is so ... hard and confusing. They're referring to the Lord of David, the Lord of Jacob ... is this not the same Lord?! Ahhh. Confusing. I gave up and turned to the Psalms instead, cause I wasn't getting too much comfort from God through Isaiah. :/
Ebaying going well. I put a pair of pajamas on ebay. They are second hand, that I've worn a bit and made no secret of it. Well, I put a $5 price on it, thinking that I'd probably drop it down cos I didn't even expect them to go for that much... They are pretty cute and they're licenced Scooby Doo PJs... but still... They have 9 bids and are at $20.50! Whoo hoo!
I'm still waiting to be paid for three jobs, and then I can get my car fixed and it seems again as though I have bills coming out of my ears. I'm trying to be really, really careful with money... Trying. (Sometimes failing). I know I have to get priorities straight in terms of bills though because I'm planning to go to Sydney next month and I'll need to put a little bit aside each week for that.
Meanwhile... I'm bored. I need a new project on the internet to keep me amused. My friend and I started this ---> http://mjjinsider.blogspot.com awhile ago... and we killed ourselves laughing at our great wit -- then obviously a couple days later decided we couldn't be bothered anymore, but I wish I had the creative energy to keep poking fun of the news. I want to do something that requires more of my brain than playing tetris or bloody slide puzzle games online.
Australian Idol is pretty cool this year. My favourites are; Reigan Derry, Damien (the Irish guy), Nathanial, Lisa Mitchell (just cos she's cute and reminds me a bit of Dorin) and pretty Ricky. Oh, Jessica Mauboy is good and so is Joseph... Now that I've named half of the top 12, I'm off to go and have a shower and wash my hair. Saturday afternoon special.
My Mum has gone for a job interview today. It annoys me a little that here I am in my 22 yr old glory, and can't get a supermarket job, but my Mum who's 50 can get an interview. WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM ME!? ... Anyway, I hope she gets it. I won't have to hear as many money woes and we'll possibly have more groceries, hence this will alleviate me from having to spend so much money each week on food.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
September, the bad month...
Dad always told me that September was a hideous month. For him, it was always filled with bad luck, trials and tribulations starting with his parents divorce as a child. He told me this in September 2002 when he was hit with a ridiculously unfair $25,000 lawsuit no thanks to his then-partner with who had a big mouth. The next September his step-father died very suddenly of a heart attack. September 2004 my aunt was admitted to hospital and had to have a surgery for an annuerism. September 2005 that aunt died of lung cancer.
At around 8:30am this morning my Dad called me. He thinly vieled this call as one to just quickly tell me that he was mailing me some car insurance forms from home. There was an air of lingering awkwardness. There was a sweetness in his voice that I was surprised to hear. He had littered the conversation with petnames which isn't too much like my Dad. As there was that moment of silence where he was about to end the call, I asked, "How are you? Is everything cool?"
His voice turned really dark and sad and he said with a bit of an awkward laugh, "No not really..." Immediately I knew something was wrong. I've heard that voice on my Dad far too much in concern of my brother. I asked him what had happened, thinking that the story he'd relayed to me about my brother last week had checked out and he was upset with everything. Instead, he shocked me with, "C. has cancer." I felt like a bomb had been dropped on me. C. is my Dad's girlfriend of just on ten years. I tried to ask a million questions at once. What type, wha, how? why? how bad? etc... He was almost whispering and said he couldn't say much cos she was around, but he was on his way to the hospital to meet with the dr about it with her. He promised he'd call me back over the weekend with more details.
C. is the reason for my dad's happiness. She is the reason that I have a great relationship with my Dad. She is the reason why my Dad hasn't choked or disowned my brother. She has always been there for my brother and I and has always opened up her heart to us and with her, we know we have a second mother. I spent pretty much the past 8 years living with her and my Dad, including her as part of my family. I remember just how gutting it was last year when Dad told me that she was concerned that I had grown to dislike her... I never, ever wanted her to think that, because if anything, I loved C. from the first night I ever met her.
I ended the conversation with Dad quickly. Burst in to tears and went to tell my Mum. She consoled me and advised me not to start to worry until we have more details. It was on my mind all day and .... I actually forgot to go to work. Thank goodness they're a completely understanding bunch.
I tried to sleep all afternoon away, I haven't wanted to think about it or worry but I just can't help it.
Valan called me earlier to find out how I was feeling, during that time Dad called as well. So I spoke to him again for about 10 minutes. I thankfully got more details. She has cancer of the ovaries (I think) and has to have a full hysterectemy (sp?) but they still don't know the extent of how far it's spread. Apparently the chances of treating it are good. My Dad said there's four stages of treating it. He's still really shaken up but says that they both feel a bit more positive now. He said, "I can imagine it happening to me, but not to her." :(
He said they're waiting for test results... I'm still really quite worried. I'm scared for her and scared for my Dad and I don't want him to lose another loved one to cancer. She's only 51 and she's such an awesome, happy, vibrant woman. It's going to be a fight ahead of them, regardless.
I obviously still don't know a lot, but hopefully I'll have better news next time...
Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. I also, like my Dad, don't want to lose another loved one, especially not C.
:(
At around 8:30am this morning my Dad called me. He thinly vieled this call as one to just quickly tell me that he was mailing me some car insurance forms from home. There was an air of lingering awkwardness. There was a sweetness in his voice that I was surprised to hear. He had littered the conversation with petnames which isn't too much like my Dad. As there was that moment of silence where he was about to end the call, I asked, "How are you? Is everything cool?"
His voice turned really dark and sad and he said with a bit of an awkward laugh, "No not really..." Immediately I knew something was wrong. I've heard that voice on my Dad far too much in concern of my brother. I asked him what had happened, thinking that the story he'd relayed to me about my brother last week had checked out and he was upset with everything. Instead, he shocked me with, "C. has cancer." I felt like a bomb had been dropped on me. C. is my Dad's girlfriend of just on ten years. I tried to ask a million questions at once. What type, wha, how? why? how bad? etc... He was almost whispering and said he couldn't say much cos she was around, but he was on his way to the hospital to meet with the dr about it with her. He promised he'd call me back over the weekend with more details.
C. is the reason for my dad's happiness. She is the reason that I have a great relationship with my Dad. She is the reason why my Dad hasn't choked or disowned my brother. She has always been there for my brother and I and has always opened up her heart to us and with her, we know we have a second mother. I spent pretty much the past 8 years living with her and my Dad, including her as part of my family. I remember just how gutting it was last year when Dad told me that she was concerned that I had grown to dislike her... I never, ever wanted her to think that, because if anything, I loved C. from the first night I ever met her.
I ended the conversation with Dad quickly. Burst in to tears and went to tell my Mum. She consoled me and advised me not to start to worry until we have more details. It was on my mind all day and .... I actually forgot to go to work. Thank goodness they're a completely understanding bunch.
I tried to sleep all afternoon away, I haven't wanted to think about it or worry but I just can't help it.
Valan called me earlier to find out how I was feeling, during that time Dad called as well. So I spoke to him again for about 10 minutes. I thankfully got more details. She has cancer of the ovaries (I think) and has to have a full hysterectemy (sp?) but they still don't know the extent of how far it's spread. Apparently the chances of treating it are good. My Dad said there's four stages of treating it. He's still really shaken up but says that they both feel a bit more positive now. He said, "I can imagine it happening to me, but not to her." :(
He said they're waiting for test results... I'm still really quite worried. I'm scared for her and scared for my Dad and I don't want him to lose another loved one to cancer. She's only 51 and she's such an awesome, happy, vibrant woman. It's going to be a fight ahead of them, regardless.
I obviously still don't know a lot, but hopefully I'll have better news next time...
Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. I also, like my Dad, don't want to lose another loved one, especially not C.
:(
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
A Walk To Remember...
I was thinking about this time last year. I was in Sydney with a male friend who, for so long, I thought that I was desperately in love with. Then I got over it sometime in 2004. I liked him a lot, my parents liked him a lot. He was funny, intelligent, warm and we get along so ridiculously well. I liked him because he found me to be one of the funniest people he'd ever met, and it's hard to find someone that may not "get" me entirely, but appreciates my wit, non-the-less (without thinking I'm strange lol) ...
We were in the city, and we were on our way to somewhere. It was a beautiful day, in fact boiling hot. I drove to his house, picked him up and we drove in my foul hot car all the way to Sydney. We decided not to go to the place we were headed straight away, but instead went for a walk in the sun. We walked side by side and for the first time in a long time, those feelings that I originally had for him started to come back. I wanted to grab for his hand, but of course didn't. We went and bought ice cream and sat on a bench and ate, talking, laughing, making fun... We then spent the afternoon at a party, and then together we went to eat our favourite kind of food afterward.
I dropped him home later that night and admitted to myself that I still had residue feelings for him.
I talked to him for about 4 hours the other night... and realised that almost another year on and I still have some residue feelings for him.
But maybe I like the idea more of finding someone who is good looking, smart and funny who likes me just fine in return. Someone that I'm not intimidated or scared of being myself around -- I'm rarely myself with the opposite sex, so perhaps I just find it refreshing to be once again in the presence of a guy who really appreciates me.
Or ... I'm lonely and want a boyfriend.
Speaking of Michael Jackson ... Oh wait, we weren't. Anyway.
Happy 48th birthday Michael Jackson. Thank you for the beautiful memories, the love, the music, the kindness, the friendships, the happiest day experiences of my life and for the life that you have always shared with us, your fans. I love you!
Thank God for clear skin. Can I just say that?! Thank God for foundation that makes me look like I have flawless skin.
Now if only my face looked this good in person. Grr.
We were in the city, and we were on our way to somewhere. It was a beautiful day, in fact boiling hot. I drove to his house, picked him up and we drove in my foul hot car all the way to Sydney. We decided not to go to the place we were headed straight away, but instead went for a walk in the sun. We walked side by side and for the first time in a long time, those feelings that I originally had for him started to come back. I wanted to grab for his hand, but of course didn't. We went and bought ice cream and sat on a bench and ate, talking, laughing, making fun... We then spent the afternoon at a party, and then together we went to eat our favourite kind of food afterward.
I dropped him home later that night and admitted to myself that I still had residue feelings for him.
I talked to him for about 4 hours the other night... and realised that almost another year on and I still have some residue feelings for him.
But maybe I like the idea more of finding someone who is good looking, smart and funny who likes me just fine in return. Someone that I'm not intimidated or scared of being myself around -- I'm rarely myself with the opposite sex, so perhaps I just find it refreshing to be once again in the presence of a guy who really appreciates me.
Or ... I'm lonely and want a boyfriend.
Speaking of Michael Jackson ... Oh wait, we weren't. Anyway.
Happy 48th birthday Michael Jackson. Thank you for the beautiful memories, the love, the music, the kindness, the friendships, the happiest day experiences of my life and for the life that you have always shared with us, your fans. I love you!
Thank God for clear skin. Can I just say that?! Thank God for foundation that makes me look like I have flawless skin.
Now if only my face looked this good in person. Grr.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Stupid.
I'm going dr searching again. Swollen leg seems pretty serious. Why meeeeeeeeeeeeee *whine* ... I hate Drs (No offense if you're reading this Antonia, I love you very much ;)) and I hate not feeling "right" ... I'm thinking worst case scenario, I have a clot. My leg is going to turn blue and drop off and it's okay cause I have another spare leg. (No, I don't have three legs, but at least I do have two of these.) ... and so ... yeah I need to find out what the go is with it.
:(
:(
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
In an interesting turn of events...
My brother's secret is out. To be honest, its a relief. I didn't let on that I knew, but the right person found out and therefore they can deal with it a whole lot better than I could deal with it.
My friend Louise's grandmother died the other day. I spent a lot of time at her grandparents house (she lived with them) in my early teens and I was always warmly welcomed in to their home and it a very unexpected, therefore probably shocking loss to her children and grandchildren. So, I wanted to extend my prayers and condolences to her family and friends and ask that you guys also would as well. & Of course, may she rest in peace at the hands of Almighty God.
xox God Bless.
My friend Louise's grandmother died the other day. I spent a lot of time at her grandparents house (she lived with them) in my early teens and I was always warmly welcomed in to their home and it a very unexpected, therefore probably shocking loss to her children and grandchildren. So, I wanted to extend my prayers and condolences to her family and friends and ask that you guys also would as well. & Of course, may she rest in peace at the hands of Almighty God.
xox God Bless.
Monday, August 21, 2006
:( my sore foot.
I've damaged my foot some how. I woke up thursday morning with a stupid limp. It's not swollen or bruised or anything and as far as I know, I haven't hit it or done something that might cause it to hurt so much. The only thing I can think of is my awful habit of sitting on my foot. On thursday I was on the computer the whole day right up until around 2am friday morning and I'll bet that for most of that time I was sitting on my foot. Perhaps its something to do with circulation. Around my ankle it hurts, pain shooting up the back of my heel and a hard dull ache.
If it's not gone by wednesday I'm going to go back to the doctor and see what's going on. It might be veins, I have some really gross veins in my legs that sometimes hurt.
In other news, I feel Taller, Stronger & Better -- and this is why;
If it's not gone by wednesday I'm going to go back to the doctor and see what's going on. It might be veins, I have some really gross veins in my legs that sometimes hurt.
In other news, I feel Taller, Stronger & Better -- and this is why;
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Fill us with the light of day.
God is really working a wonder in my life right now.
I can't really explain it, but I asked for help almost two weeks ago now. I asked for freedom within my heart, an alleviation of everything that I felt to be encumbering me and stressing me to unnecessary lengths. It was a short and silent prayer that I said while in the shower -- sometimes really the only 'alone' time I get where I can concentrate and think entirely about God.
Well, I feel like something has changed. It's not like one of those things where you're gonna feel good for a few days and then all of a sudden something will happen and you're back down in the dumps -- I feel like I've just been graced with a new attitude. One that's less filled with less laziness and more of a willingness to make the effort to change really terrible habits that were ruling my life. I need to convince myself to stop thinking about things and just do them, because that's the only way they're going to get done. Telling myself over and over that I have to do something sure isn't doing anything.
Sometimes it's hard to get myself started, but once I do, I'm fine.
I've been really busy with things lately and I like it. I haven't been online (surfing the net) as much as usual (which is good cos I've just stopped to breathe and there's absolutely nothing to take a look at). I'm still making some money, and I have another job that I'll get started on in the morning.
I'm going to Caro's house tomorrow at some point and on Sunday we're going to the Open day at AC University so I can look in to courses and figure out what I have to do to apply for next year. Yeehee. I'm so excited about going back to study!
I also would like to thank God for sending me a friend that always understands, no matter what. And for giving me the graces to be the friend that she choses to place her trust in to with confidence that I will never judge her. What an honour. :)
xoxox
God Bless, folks.
I can't really explain it, but I asked for help almost two weeks ago now. I asked for freedom within my heart, an alleviation of everything that I felt to be encumbering me and stressing me to unnecessary lengths. It was a short and silent prayer that I said while in the shower -- sometimes really the only 'alone' time I get where I can concentrate and think entirely about God.
Well, I feel like something has changed. It's not like one of those things where you're gonna feel good for a few days and then all of a sudden something will happen and you're back down in the dumps -- I feel like I've just been graced with a new attitude. One that's less filled with less laziness and more of a willingness to make the effort to change really terrible habits that were ruling my life. I need to convince myself to stop thinking about things and just do them, because that's the only way they're going to get done. Telling myself over and over that I have to do something sure isn't doing anything.
Sometimes it's hard to get myself started, but once I do, I'm fine.
I've been really busy with things lately and I like it. I haven't been online (surfing the net) as much as usual (which is good cos I've just stopped to breathe and there's absolutely nothing to take a look at). I'm still making some money, and I have another job that I'll get started on in the morning.
I'm going to Caro's house tomorrow at some point and on Sunday we're going to the Open day at AC University so I can look in to courses and figure out what I have to do to apply for next year. Yeehee. I'm so excited about going back to study!
I also would like to thank God for sending me a friend that always understands, no matter what. And for giving me the graces to be the friend that she choses to place her trust in to with confidence that I will never judge her. What an honour. :)
xoxox
God Bless, folks.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
I love you so much more than arithmetic
Yup, as my lovely Mariah Carey always likes to say, "There'll always be a rainbow after the storm" (I wonder if there will ever be a Mariah Carey wearing appropriate clothing after the rainbow.)
Let's do a little summary.
Bank account one - $45
Bank account two - $170
Bank account three - $0 (thats ok, its just new)
Pending transfer to bank account one from account four - $40
Pending transfer of ebay payment $30
Data entry work $200+
New web design job $130+
Pending payment of 2 bags $60
Paypal account $88
Now, I'm not very good at maths, but I'm pretty sure that almost equals A FIXED FREAKIN CAR
Oh joy, Oh rapture, oh sweet jubuilation!!!!!1111
Let's keep those orders coming, people!!! I'm ebaying my bloody life away... or so it seems. Check out my auctions here, you never know, maybe you want something from me!! haha. (Doubtful.)
God Bless
x
Let's do a little summary.
Bank account one - $45
Bank account two - $170
Bank account three - $0 (thats ok, its just new)
Pending transfer to bank account one from account four - $40
Pending transfer of ebay payment $30
Data entry work $200+
New web design job $130+
Pending payment of 2 bags $60
Paypal account $88
Now, I'm not very good at maths, but I'm pretty sure that almost equals A FIXED FREAKIN CAR
Oh joy, Oh rapture, oh sweet jubuilation!!!!!1111
Let's keep those orders coming, people!!! I'm ebaying my bloody life away... or so it seems. Check out my auctions here, you never know, maybe you want something from me!! haha. (Doubtful.)
God Bless
x
Monday, August 14, 2006
Somewhere over the rainbow...
So maybe the sun will shine for a little bit. I know I'm praying for it, but I don't want to count the chickens before they hatch.
Basically, today I went to the auto repairs to buy a new battery for my car. Coincidentally, its out of registration today. I picked up a used battery for $20. Brilliant. See, I only need the battery so that my car will actually run and it'll have enough energy to drive it down the street to the mechanic.
They recommended a mechanic to Mum and I. We went there to maybe try to get a rough estimate of how much it would cost. For those who don't know what happened to my stupid car, you can read about it here. (The saddest day of my life.....almost) So we went around there and the man told us that if the headgasket isnt cracked, and if it's just blown, then it should only be around $400-600 to fix. That to me is GREAT. If it is cracked then I'm looking at around $1000 (if that's the case, I might just get rid of the car). He said that the fact that the car is even still going is a really good sign. (I drove it about 25 minutes after I originally blew it.) If thats the case, and I can get it fixed for under $800, I'm very happy. I'll pay for it. I then have to get the registration changed over to Victoria, which means it has to get tested to make sure that it's roadworthy.
I think that something shifty was conducted to get it to pass registration before, because I know that there was an oil leak. In fact, I think that's what caused the blown headgasket to begin with. So! I want to pay to ensure the entire thing is roadworthy, that way I should be able to ensure that I will get at least another year or two's use out of it. So all up with registration, I might be looking at around $1200 to fix up completely and let me tell you, that is okay with me.
I'm very poor at the moment, but I am doing a little data entry work and all the money that I've been making with my bags is slowly adding up. As soon as my car is fixed my job options just completely widen and I have that huge air of independance again. I can even apply to Monash Uni out here and transfer later. I counted up all my money earlier (right down to the last dollars, seriously.) and I think I already have roughly around $300 saved without being paid for what I've already done data-entry wise (and have some that I'm currently doing) and I still have some money that I'm expecting from bags and other auctions that I've got going on ebay.
So please pray for me that it will all work out as it should. :)
xoxox
Basically, today I went to the auto repairs to buy a new battery for my car. Coincidentally, its out of registration today. I picked up a used battery for $20. Brilliant. See, I only need the battery so that my car will actually run and it'll have enough energy to drive it down the street to the mechanic.
They recommended a mechanic to Mum and I. We went there to maybe try to get a rough estimate of how much it would cost. For those who don't know what happened to my stupid car, you can read about it here. (The saddest day of my life.....almost) So we went around there and the man told us that if the headgasket isnt cracked, and if it's just blown, then it should only be around $400-600 to fix. That to me is GREAT. If it is cracked then I'm looking at around $1000 (if that's the case, I might just get rid of the car). He said that the fact that the car is even still going is a really good sign. (I drove it about 25 minutes after I originally blew it.) If thats the case, and I can get it fixed for under $800, I'm very happy. I'll pay for it. I then have to get the registration changed over to Victoria, which means it has to get tested to make sure that it's roadworthy.
I think that something shifty was conducted to get it to pass registration before, because I know that there was an oil leak. In fact, I think that's what caused the blown headgasket to begin with. So! I want to pay to ensure the entire thing is roadworthy, that way I should be able to ensure that I will get at least another year or two's use out of it. So all up with registration, I might be looking at around $1200 to fix up completely and let me tell you, that is okay with me.
I'm very poor at the moment, but I am doing a little data entry work and all the money that I've been making with my bags is slowly adding up. As soon as my car is fixed my job options just completely widen and I have that huge air of independance again. I can even apply to Monash Uni out here and transfer later. I counted up all my money earlier (right down to the last dollars, seriously.) and I think I already have roughly around $300 saved without being paid for what I've already done data-entry wise (and have some that I'm currently doing) and I still have some money that I'm expecting from bags and other auctions that I've got going on ebay.
So please pray for me that it will all work out as it should. :)
xoxox
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Now I'm a mini business...
It started out as something I just tried for fun. And it turned out to be more. Oh yes, that's right... I'm talking about making tote bags. I guess it's keeping me and my Mum busy, and that's a good thing -- but I hate watching the money adding up so slowly. (I guess slowly is better than not at all.)
So here's a picture of one of my creations. I'm contemplating making my own one that says, "TEAM LACHEY" ... cause, Jessica Simpson is a tool, and I have a nice little crush on little beef cake Nick. haha. Oh right, the pictures... (Why is blogger so tempremental with adding them.)
So here's a picture of one of my creations. I'm contemplating making my own one that says, "TEAM LACHEY" ... cause, Jessica Simpson is a tool, and I have a nice little crush on little beef cake Nick. haha. Oh right, the pictures... (Why is blogger so tempremental with adding them.)
They're selling quite well. I've extended myself to putting zippers and clasps on them, pockets and pencil holders on the inside... and personalising them more.
I have way too much spare time.
Get me a real job now!!!
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Sunday Scribblings: Who Else Can I Still Be?
I believed that I was going to be a writer. I dreamed of my books being held in the intense grasp of engrossed readers from nations afar.
But I never had enough faith in my own talent.
I wanted to be a journalist and aspired to become well-known and esteemed for the way I would write honestly, sway from shoddy tabloid sensationalism and only ever tell it like it was.
I dreamed of following on to university from high school, of having more close friends than I could count on my fingers and toes and admirers who found me attractive for the intellect that I held within my head and the way that I carried myself before much else.
But I was forced to quit high school well before that happened.
I wished to not be alone, to be confident. I wished that I could be more. I wished that I could find the strength to fix myself. I prayed to be healthy, to lead a normal life. I wanted to be more social, to find it easy to hold conversation. I wanted to have more faith, more passion, and less sadness.
I wanted to be happy.
Somewhere between a blur of a seemingly speeding clock I got lost.
Then I wanted to find myself – now or never.
I wanted to become all that I dreamed I could not.
I became a student again. I then became more.
I became faithful. I became passionate.
I became more social, and became a loyal friend.
Every single day I found myself writing, living, breathing, bleeding ink on to a page – I was already a writer.
I developed an infinite love for smaller children, thus a desire to become a teacher engulfed me.
At 22, I feel like I’ve lived my life already, but sometimes when I sit back and take stock, I realize I haven’t lived at all. There is so much more that I still want to be.
I can still travel the world.
I can still be a fancy shmancy make up artist.
I can still be the beacon of faith that will overflow in to other people.
I can still be somebody’s best friend, soul mate or loyal wife.I can still be a mother.
I can still be a teacher.
Someone taught me that being happy is only an emotion of momentary bliss, but living life, choosing to be joyful by taking the good with the bad is a lifestyle that will motivate me every single day.
It’s not too late for anything. And I can still choose joy.
But I never had enough faith in my own talent.
I wanted to be a journalist and aspired to become well-known and esteemed for the way I would write honestly, sway from shoddy tabloid sensationalism and only ever tell it like it was.
I dreamed of following on to university from high school, of having more close friends than I could count on my fingers and toes and admirers who found me attractive for the intellect that I held within my head and the way that I carried myself before much else.
But I was forced to quit high school well before that happened.
I wished to not be alone, to be confident. I wished that I could be more. I wished that I could find the strength to fix myself. I prayed to be healthy, to lead a normal life. I wanted to be more social, to find it easy to hold conversation. I wanted to have more faith, more passion, and less sadness.
I wanted to be happy.
Somewhere between a blur of a seemingly speeding clock I got lost.
Then I wanted to find myself – now or never.
I wanted to become all that I dreamed I could not.
I became a student again. I then became more.
I became faithful. I became passionate.
I became more social, and became a loyal friend.
Every single day I found myself writing, living, breathing, bleeding ink on to a page – I was already a writer.
I developed an infinite love for smaller children, thus a desire to become a teacher engulfed me.
At 22, I feel like I’ve lived my life already, but sometimes when I sit back and take stock, I realize I haven’t lived at all. There is so much more that I still want to be.
I can still travel the world.
I can still be a fancy shmancy make up artist.
I can still be the beacon of faith that will overflow in to other people.
I can still be somebody’s best friend, soul mate or loyal wife.I can still be a mother.
I can still be a teacher.
Someone taught me that being happy is only an emotion of momentary bliss, but living life, choosing to be joyful by taking the good with the bad is a lifestyle that will motivate me every single day.
It’s not too late for anything. And I can still choose joy.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Why does my heart feel so bad?
I had a really bad nightmare that my dog was attacked and I could see her internal organs and rib cage just ripped apart and she was lying there staring at me clinging on to life, whimpering softly and I just cried and cried and I found out that she could be saved, but it was going to cost thousands of dollars that I just didn't have. It was so graphic and so real.
I woke up feeling so friggin traumatised.
I woke up feeling so friggin traumatised.
My puppy is my life.
Time for a bit of honesty.
I feel pigeon-holed.
I know that while it's possibly a very hypersensitive feeling to run with, it's an honest one.
I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days (probably too much) and I feel really bitter toward a lot of people of whom I've had on a pedastel for so long and it is exactly therein that lies the problem.
A lot of it has to do with isolation. I'm far away from the people that I love, that I used to have fun with and I miss it, and I miss them. I feel like no one cares about me or makes an effort anymore. I feel like I'm out of sight and out of mind, yet I don't have the courage to confront people about it. I feel like people look down on me because I'm struggling to find my place in life. Most of my friends are hugely successful within everything that they are doing. Some of my friends have well-established careers and they are so brilliant at what they do -- or studying to become brilliant and well-established.
And here I am, struggling to find a job even as a friggin check-out chick. Why, oh why coles myer must one have to be a rocket scientist to find a job? Do I really have to result to handing in my CV to fast food outlets? Why is it so hard to find a job? I'm trying so hard. All I need is a quick job that I can stand for 3 or 4 months that will help me save a few thousand dollars to fix my car (or buy a new one) and get me out of this damn cess pool.
No one asks me what I'm up to anymore. I feel like I get shelved. People pick me up and put me back down until the next time they're bored, because I slot to everyones life quite well time-wise (on their time, nevermine) because lets face it, I don't have one of my own -- so I have to wait til they have time for me.
I feel like if I confront anyone about it I'll just sound like a whiney brat and I'll get the, "well I have a job." ... well sure, you might have a job and you might have a life, but my time is just as important as yours irrespective of how I like to spend it.
Yes I'm working and yes I love my job, but I really wish it a paying job. I know the experience is good -- but I really need money more than experience because I'm feeling so caved in right now and I need to get out of here in order to fix that. My car registration is due (and I need to decide if I'm keeping it or not) my bank account is depleted except for the very small savings that I do have and the bills keep coming (despite my efforts to try to minimise everything) ... and besides my work for St. Vin during the week to keep me occupied. I'm BORED out of my freaking brain.
And I really want to get into uni and show everyone who might be judging me, that I can become someone and something. And that my time may be used more constructively. Right now, unfortunately I don't have anyone to help me, to get me a job, to help me with money or to even encourage me. But to tell the truth, I really don't want that. I want to be able to say I did this on my own, because I know there will be more satisfaction in it...
I'm just so freaking sick of crying over it -- I just want the situation to end.
This "rough patch" has been lasting so ridiculously long and I just really want more than anything else in the world to be able to get ahead, not to feel so pathetic and failure-like for not being where I should be and for not having any support around me. Because you know what, dear friends, who never call, email or come to see me? I could really use your support and encouragement.
Thanks.
Bye.
I know that while it's possibly a very hypersensitive feeling to run with, it's an honest one.
I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days (probably too much) and I feel really bitter toward a lot of people of whom I've had on a pedastel for so long and it is exactly therein that lies the problem.
A lot of it has to do with isolation. I'm far away from the people that I love, that I used to have fun with and I miss it, and I miss them. I feel like no one cares about me or makes an effort anymore. I feel like I'm out of sight and out of mind, yet I don't have the courage to confront people about it. I feel like people look down on me because I'm struggling to find my place in life. Most of my friends are hugely successful within everything that they are doing. Some of my friends have well-established careers and they are so brilliant at what they do -- or studying to become brilliant and well-established.
And here I am, struggling to find a job even as a friggin check-out chick. Why, oh why coles myer must one have to be a rocket scientist to find a job? Do I really have to result to handing in my CV to fast food outlets? Why is it so hard to find a job? I'm trying so hard. All I need is a quick job that I can stand for 3 or 4 months that will help me save a few thousand dollars to fix my car (or buy a new one) and get me out of this damn cess pool.
No one asks me what I'm up to anymore. I feel like I get shelved. People pick me up and put me back down until the next time they're bored, because I slot to everyones life quite well time-wise (on their time, nevermine) because lets face it, I don't have one of my own -- so I have to wait til they have time for me.
I feel like if I confront anyone about it I'll just sound like a whiney brat and I'll get the, "well I have a job." ... well sure, you might have a job and you might have a life, but my time is just as important as yours irrespective of how I like to spend it.
Yes I'm working and yes I love my job, but I really wish it a paying job. I know the experience is good -- but I really need money more than experience because I'm feeling so caved in right now and I need to get out of here in order to fix that. My car registration is due (and I need to decide if I'm keeping it or not) my bank account is depleted except for the very small savings that I do have and the bills keep coming (despite my efforts to try to minimise everything) ... and besides my work for St. Vin during the week to keep me occupied. I'm BORED out of my freaking brain.
And I really want to get into uni and show everyone who might be judging me, that I can become someone and something. And that my time may be used more constructively. Right now, unfortunately I don't have anyone to help me, to get me a job, to help me with money or to even encourage me. But to tell the truth, I really don't want that. I want to be able to say I did this on my own, because I know there will be more satisfaction in it...
I'm just so freaking sick of crying over it -- I just want the situation to end.
This "rough patch" has been lasting so ridiculously long and I just really want more than anything else in the world to be able to get ahead, not to feel so pathetic and failure-like for not being where I should be and for not having any support around me. Because you know what, dear friends, who never call, email or come to see me? I could really use your support and encouragement.
Thanks.
Bye.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
We've had enough...
Love was taken from a young life
And no one told her why
Her direction had a dim light
From one more violent crime
She innocently questioned why
Why her father had to die
She asked the men in blue
"How is it that you get to choose
Who will live and who will die
Did God say that you could decide?
You saw he didn't run
And that my daddy had no gun"
In the middle of a village
Within a distant land
Lies a poor boy with his broken toy
Too young to understand
He's awaken, ground is shaking
His father grabs his hand
Screaming crying, his wife's dying
Now he's left to explain
He innocently questioned why
Why his mother had to die
"Why did these soldiers come here for?
If they're for peace why is there war?
Did God say that they could decide
Who will live and who will die?
All my mama ever did
Was try to take care of her kids."
We're innocently standing by
Watching people losing lives
It seems as if we have no voice
It's time for us to make a choice
Only God could decide
Who will live and who will die
There's nothing that can't be done
If we raise our voice as one
They gotta hear it from me
They gotta hear it from you
They gotta hear it from us
We can't take it
We've already had enough
And no one told her why
Her direction had a dim light
From one more violent crime
She innocently questioned why
Why her father had to die
She asked the men in blue
"How is it that you get to choose
Who will live and who will die
Did God say that you could decide?
You saw he didn't run
And that my daddy had no gun"
In the middle of a village
Within a distant land
Lies a poor boy with his broken toy
Too young to understand
He's awaken, ground is shaking
His father grabs his hand
Screaming crying, his wife's dying
Now he's left to explain
He innocently questioned why
Why his mother had to die
"Why did these soldiers come here for?
If they're for peace why is there war?
Did God say that they could decide
Who will live and who will die?
All my mama ever did
Was try to take care of her kids."
We're innocently standing by
Watching people losing lives
It seems as if we have no voice
It's time for us to make a choice
Only God could decide
Who will live and who will die
There's nothing that can't be done
If we raise our voice as one
They gotta hear it from me
They gotta hear it from you
They gotta hear it from us
We can't take it
We've already had enough
Friday, August 04, 2006
Sunday Scribblings: Who Else Might I Have Been?
"Has there been a dramatic crossroads in your life? A road not taken? If you had taken a left turn instead of a right that day back in 1980... might your whole life had turned out differently?"
I let the darkness enshroud my troubled heart with such a dominating force that I am unable to wave away. It is ruling my life. It taints my intentions, my goodness and even my general ability to function normally.
I feel inferior, tactless and weary. I am tired of caring, tired of fighting and consider largely how easy it would be just to give up and lose it all. Quitting is something that I have very much accepted as a part of my style. I’ve learned to run so hard and so fast from places and from people without having to move my legs very far at all.
Physical endurance was never really my strong point anyway.
I look at relationships within my life with such bitterness. I feel myself pushing everyone away. It is sure easier than having to let them in on the biggest secret that I guard close to me. It is a secret that I naively assum they could never have guessed – that I am not perfect.
I throw tantrums when I’m alone. I yell. I scream, I cry and sometimes I even pray. I pray because I remember not so long ago when a stranger extended a hand of friendship to me – an invitation to see what they could see. I let fear take hold of me and I smacked that outstretched hand away, nevermind that curiosity had screamed at me to take a leap of faith. I pray because I want that opportunity to arise again, but I know it never will.
I long to be heard. I long to beg someone for help. I want guidance and understanding but I am not willing to put my heart on the line. Coupled with that darkness in my heart, is a myriad of shame, spite and extreme jealousy of everyone that seem to be able to smile with a peaceful mind.
Oh God, I hate those people…
I look at those around me with my eyes narrowed to slits, disbelieving, cynical and jaded. I feel like I’m superior, because living like this void of emotion, diffident to everything – I am safe. No one can hurt me because I keep the lock on the door to my heart safely deadlocked. I admit nothing. I want to feel nothing. In fact, I lay in bed and I sleep the days away. It sure beats those panic attacks that encumber me each time I leave the house.
I keep praying.
I want another sign that he doesn’t hate me. I know that he’s so disappointed that I was too scared to invite him in to my heart for tea and scrumpets the first time around, and I’m scared he won’t come knocking again.
And of course the biggest secret of all – I don’t want to be this lonely or this numb forever.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Come and see.
The next day John was there again with two of his disciples.
When he saw Jesus passing by, he said, "Look, the Lamb of God!"
When the two disciples heard him say this, they followed Jesus.
Turning around, Jesus saw them following and asked, "What do you want?" They said, "Rabbi" (which means Teacher), "where are you staying?"
"Come," he replied, "and you will see." So they went and saw where he was staying, and spent that day with him. It was about the tenth hour.
The above scripture is one that we looked at tonight at RCIA. It was a passage that really stumped me at first. I took it very literally as always at first until I reread it through a few times and it came together.
Firstly, Jesus asks, "What do you want?" ... it's not as cut and dry as it seems. It's kind of a loaded question isn't it? "What do you want from? What are you looking for? How can I help you? Are you seeking something from me?" ...The desciples of John are clearly curious; they have questions. They want to know more about this man that everyone is referring to as "The lamb of God." -- Jesus gives them an even more loaded answer to their following question.
"Come and you will see." Sometimes in order to believe we need to see for ourselves. We don't necessarily want text book answers to questions that we have because we simply need to be shown. We need to learn our own mistakes, be given our own choices in life and take from something what we want, and see for ourselves. God gave us this choice through his only son, Jesus. He sent his dearly beloved to show us the way, to let us see God for ourselves. The desciples of John (The Baptist) took their leap of faith because they were searching, they were curious, they wanted to see for themselves. They not only had their questions answered, but they also chose to stay for the day with Jesus - and then became the first two desciples of Christ.
I look over my journey now and then and I realised that I came from such a frightening place. I wasn't as courageous at first to take the leap of faith. So many times Jesus wanted to show me the way -- so many times he was knocking at my door and I locked him out because I was too scared. I had a fear of Christ, of organised religion, of tradition and of sin that it kept me away from Him for so long. I was ashamed of my sin, my own darkness and hatred and was so self-indulgent that I knew if I let him in, I'd have to do away with all of those things upon making a promise to him.
You know, a good friend told me how normal it is to go through times of spiritual dryness, to not feel that constant "honeymoon" period with God, that it is those moments that stretch our strength and faith. I take solace in that because sometimes I find it so easy to just walk away from Him. I forget the promise that I made to Him through confirmation and baptism. I forget that He is the only one who is in control of me. He is the one who can give me the answers and show me the way without pulling out a textbook to give me the annoying text book answers that I could easily have found on my own. But thankfully I believe in a very forgiving and merciful God. I believe in a very compassionate Father who looks at me with fondness in his eyes. He feels my pain, wipes away my tears and always, always listens to me when I talk to him, even if I let my head believe that he doesn't really care. But when I'm caught in the eye of the storm, I lift my hands and my head in prayer. I tell Him everything that He already knows. I ask for His divine help, even if I'm confused and don't know how to convey it. He already knows. He touches me with His kind and healing hands. He cries with me. He comforts me. He accepts my apologies for trying to sort things out and be the master of my own destiny before I find My Way back on path, however shaky it must seem.
I have such a freedom in my heart knowing that Jesus Christ is the Truth -- all because I believe and am truly repentant from the abyss of my heart.
And like the disciples of John, I took Jesus' invitation to "Come and see"
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Sometimes I get bitter..
Should have trusted my own feelings but I silenced intuition
When you sacrificed your honesty
I believed that you would be there
To protect me and help me with all I'm going through
There's a joy to being free that you could have taken from me
But I found the strength to walk away
If you turn the pages and you look inside
There is nothing of me I feel that I have to hide
If you turn the tables and look at yourself
Is there something you fear that you would have to confess?
Many things will come to pass and I can live with that
I can't help but wonder when you'll get yours
I'm so happy I have moved on
I heard you are regretful but you sacrificed your dignity
With the power you have abused, you disgust me
And trust me, I'm not the only one
Haven't I already proved that I'm better off without you?
I'm so glad I walked away
For all the lies and your manipulation
For all the times I never felt good enough
You pushed me 'round and put me down
To satisfy your childish ego
For all the times that you made me feel worthless
The power struggles, now I couldn't care less
It's after you there's nothing you can do
What goes round comes round
Many things will come to pass and I can live with that
But... I can't help but to wonder when you'll get yours
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Yeah okay, I'm superficial.
I wanted to make a short post tonight about a good day that I had.
I know this is going to sound really superficial but, I don't mind -- lol. Last Sunday night I went out to It Takes Two again, the TV show. As usual it was pretty fun (it was my second time going) and (theres a big story to go along with it, but later). Afterwards I hung out with some friends and one sent me some photos on monday of our night and ... I actually wanted to cry.
I knew leading up to the weekend that my skin was really bad (my skin is notoriously bad) but I had zits, my whole left cheek was inflammed, red and discoloured and I thought I hid it well with some flimsy concealer I've been using for a little while. Well according to these photos, I was very wrong.
For those of you who are unaware... I'm a bit of a make up whore.... I love make up. But I find foundation, concealer, finishing powder, primer, etc all to be a pain in the butt... However, I really needed to sort that out.
So today I went to the Napoleon Perdis store -- my favourite brand at the moment. I needed a new foundation. The expensive one I have makes me look orange, the MAC one flakes my skin - the studio finish makes me look like my face spent time in a solarium -- blech.
I hate when I get patronised by salesclerks -- and usually all high-end up make-up counter working women patronise me or think that because I go in without make up (so I can test theirs!) means I have never picked up a make up brush in my life. Normally these salesclerks look down their nose at my pizza skin, or they patronise me by telling me, "it's just a few pimples." Right. I had one sales clerk go to apply foundation to my face with her fingers and then pause upon realising she had to touch my skin, then go get a brush (I don't blame her, but no need to be so obvious right after telling me my acne was nothing). And usually I walk out with a product that makes my skin look orange, wondering why on earth I took advice from someone who clearly had her make up gun set to "clown" that morning.
Oh yeah, I went to Napoleon. I must say, it was a breath of fresh air. A nice young and sweet sales clerk came to help out. She must have spent 40 minutes with me. She did my whole face in a foundation that she suggested (using her hands!) she didn't patronise me by telling me that my skin wasn't bad. In fact, she seemed to empathise with me. She chose the best foundation. It's brilliant. I didn't want something that was so heavy that people could see I was trying to cover up pizza on my face. I just wanted something to get rid of the discolouration and make my skin look even.
I found perfection in a foundation stick, "look2" from my good friends at Napoleon. She also gave me a sample of the auto pilot primer and I got a light bronzer. And I know it's so materialistic but I felt so brilliant that I won't have to walk around with this hideous looking skin.
On top of that I've began using my proactiv absolutely obsessively again and the antibiotics. God, please give me smooth skin sometime soon.
P.S I've also began exercising again to get rid of my fat grandmother tankles (tank ankles) -- I need to be less lazy and more active. OH AND I FINALLY GOT MY RENT DVD THAT I BOUGHT FROM EBAY ALMOST A MONTH AGO!!!!!!!!!111
WE'RE NOT GONNA PA-AY, WE'RE NOT GONNA PAAAAA-AAAAAAAY LAST YEARS RENT! THIS YEARS RENT! NEXT YEARS RENT! RENT! RENT! RENT!!!!!!!!1 .... I'm still going to marry Jesse L. Williams & Taye Diggs in the same ceremony before we ensue a lifetime of song -- it's just a matter of when. Taye & Jesse should never stop singing. Ever.
I know this is going to sound really superficial but, I don't mind -- lol. Last Sunday night I went out to It Takes Two again, the TV show. As usual it was pretty fun (it was my second time going) and (theres a big story to go along with it, but later). Afterwards I hung out with some friends and one sent me some photos on monday of our night and ... I actually wanted to cry.
I knew leading up to the weekend that my skin was really bad (my skin is notoriously bad) but I had zits, my whole left cheek was inflammed, red and discoloured and I thought I hid it well with some flimsy concealer I've been using for a little while. Well according to these photos, I was very wrong.
For those of you who are unaware... I'm a bit of a make up whore.... I love make up. But I find foundation, concealer, finishing powder, primer, etc all to be a pain in the butt... However, I really needed to sort that out.
So today I went to the Napoleon Perdis store -- my favourite brand at the moment. I needed a new foundation. The expensive one I have makes me look orange, the MAC one flakes my skin - the studio finish makes me look like my face spent time in a solarium -- blech.
I hate when I get patronised by salesclerks -- and usually all high-end up make-up counter working women patronise me or think that because I go in without make up (so I can test theirs!) means I have never picked up a make up brush in my life. Normally these salesclerks look down their nose at my pizza skin, or they patronise me by telling me, "it's just a few pimples." Right. I had one sales clerk go to apply foundation to my face with her fingers and then pause upon realising she had to touch my skin, then go get a brush (I don't blame her, but no need to be so obvious right after telling me my acne was nothing). And usually I walk out with a product that makes my skin look orange, wondering why on earth I took advice from someone who clearly had her make up gun set to "clown" that morning.
Oh yeah, I went to Napoleon. I must say, it was a breath of fresh air. A nice young and sweet sales clerk came to help out. She must have spent 40 minutes with me. She did my whole face in a foundation that she suggested (using her hands!) she didn't patronise me by telling me that my skin wasn't bad. In fact, she seemed to empathise with me. She chose the best foundation. It's brilliant. I didn't want something that was so heavy that people could see I was trying to cover up pizza on my face. I just wanted something to get rid of the discolouration and make my skin look even.
I found perfection in a foundation stick, "look2" from my good friends at Napoleon. She also gave me a sample of the auto pilot primer and I got a light bronzer. And I know it's so materialistic but I felt so brilliant that I won't have to walk around with this hideous looking skin.
On top of that I've began using my proactiv absolutely obsessively again and the antibiotics. God, please give me smooth skin sometime soon.
P.S I've also began exercising again to get rid of my fat grandmother tankles (tank ankles) -- I need to be less lazy and more active. OH AND I FINALLY GOT MY RENT DVD THAT I BOUGHT FROM EBAY ALMOST A MONTH AGO!!!!!!!!!111
WE'RE NOT GONNA PA-AY, WE'RE NOT GONNA PAAAAA-AAAAAAAY LAST YEARS RENT! THIS YEARS RENT! NEXT YEARS RENT! RENT! RENT! RENT!!!!!!!!1 .... I'm still going to marry Jesse L. Williams & Taye Diggs in the same ceremony before we ensue a lifetime of song -- it's just a matter of when. Taye & Jesse should never stop singing. Ever.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
It never ceases to amaze me...
I know I said previously that I came from a really dark and spiteful place outside of my faith, but for some reason, it doesn't cease to amaze me just how spiteful some people are.
I'm a bit strange, I have a really strange sense of humour, I say and do weird and kooky things -- but it keeps me amused and those who care about me find it endearing and don't judge me. Some people, on the other hand, just take it as me being outright weird in a negative, "Omgoodness, I can't believe she's actually doing that... how stupid..." kind of way. Some even look down their nose.
It sort of both amuses me and makes me feel bad. It amuses me because sometimes people can be intimidated by me or they just don't really know how to take me. It's funny because they have me front about backwards, mostly -- and they assume way too much. It makes me feel bad because if something I say or do, isnt necessarily what someone else wants to see or hear, they think it's free reign to be vicious or rude to me. -- Or even spiteful. That hurts especially if I've tried so supremely hard to be nice to those people.
I guess I've always been pretty blunt -- so I'd just prefer if people said things to my face rather than about me. It hurts less that way and at least then I can aptly defend myself. It's not fair to hear third party information.
Speaking of kookiness, I had a funny weekend. Expect photographs tomorrow.
Let's just say, my Michael Jackson action figure met with a bevvy of Australian ... er... talent over the weekend. LOL. And I guess perhaps people have the right to think I'm strange. haha. More later.
I'm a bit strange, I have a really strange sense of humour, I say and do weird and kooky things -- but it keeps me amused and those who care about me find it endearing and don't judge me. Some people, on the other hand, just take it as me being outright weird in a negative, "Omgoodness, I can't believe she's actually doing that... how stupid..." kind of way. Some even look down their nose.
It sort of both amuses me and makes me feel bad. It amuses me because sometimes people can be intimidated by me or they just don't really know how to take me. It's funny because they have me front about backwards, mostly -- and they assume way too much. It makes me feel bad because if something I say or do, isnt necessarily what someone else wants to see or hear, they think it's free reign to be vicious or rude to me. -- Or even spiteful. That hurts especially if I've tried so supremely hard to be nice to those people.
I guess I've always been pretty blunt -- so I'd just prefer if people said things to my face rather than about me. It hurts less that way and at least then I can aptly defend myself. It's not fair to hear third party information.
Speaking of kookiness, I had a funny weekend. Expect photographs tomorrow.
Let's just say, my Michael Jackson action figure met with a bevvy of Australian ... er... talent over the weekend. LOL. And I guess perhaps people have the right to think I'm strange. haha. More later.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Peace on Earth, goodwill to man.
I have a livejournal. I like livejournal. I write more about my daily crap stuff there. I rarely use it much these days, but I was using it for the past couple years. I was reading back through some old posts last night-- I was shocked. Just over a year or so ago I was filled with such shocking venom, my words were absolute daggers in anyone who showed a little concern for me. My entries were filled with rage toward my family, my brother -- my father -- there were countless comments advising certain people in my life to "do me a favour and go f**king die." or to, "contemplate suicide" ... what on earth...
I almost repressed all of those things, I kind of forgot that I used to say them -- not a fond memory, really. I was such a spiteful little cow. I know I've changed. Praise God that I've changed. But I'm also very ashamed. I had a forked tongue and an attitude that superceded my stature. Some of the entries are kind of funny because I never knew a person could be so bitter, but other's are outright illogical and a bit sad. I'm not a huge fan of who I am at this point in my life, but I know and recognize that I'm not entirely worthless and that if God had no purpose for me, then I wouldn't be here -- but everything that I used to post about was just a blatant cry for help because I felt so much hatred toward myself.
I guess I can Praise God that the sins have lessened, the wallowing in self pity has mostly subsided and my tolerance for others has stretched to unforeseen boundaries -- but sometimes when I look back I'm abhorred with the person I've been in the past.
It made me realise that I have a lot more to confess.
Now, in other news... my beautiful boy's mum has been in Lebonon on a holiday for the past month (he's Lebonese) She was stuck in Beirut. She's traveling alone (was seeing friends) and obviously got caught up in what is going on. His Mum is the sweetest woman, who I've met many times (who thinks I'm actually his gf or something. Oh, I wish....). He heard she was safe, but he was distraught, and his mother was very upset and wanted so much to come home. Australia was sending a ship to get 500 Australian's to Cyprus. They double booked the ship and she missed out. They didn't hear from her today, but saw her on the front of the Queensland newspaper :( looking so devastated that she couldn't get on the ship.
So I got a phone call from him earlier shaken and desperately upset asking for my prayers, for his mother and the rest of his family and friends who still live over there. He hasn't heard from his mother still, but we assume she got on the next ship -- the embassy couldn't confirm it for him but just said, "we think so..." so I've tried to console him that that's probably just the case. From Cyprus they will go to Bahrain then home...
I know everyone is praying for peace right now, but please pray for the safe return of his Mum. He's still living at home with her, and his father passed away when he was younger, and he's really scared and wants his Mummy back more than anything. I can't stand to see my boy so upset. I wish I was at home, I'd just give him such a huge hug.
May God touch all the families with his healing and comforting hand and bring peace to those who have lost anyone or who are concerned about missing loved ones and bring them to a safe return.
This makes me realised that we are all not as detached from war as we sometimes allow ourselves to think we are...
I almost repressed all of those things, I kind of forgot that I used to say them -- not a fond memory, really. I was such a spiteful little cow. I know I've changed. Praise God that I've changed. But I'm also very ashamed. I had a forked tongue and an attitude that superceded my stature. Some of the entries are kind of funny because I never knew a person could be so bitter, but other's are outright illogical and a bit sad. I'm not a huge fan of who I am at this point in my life, but I know and recognize that I'm not entirely worthless and that if God had no purpose for me, then I wouldn't be here -- but everything that I used to post about was just a blatant cry for help because I felt so much hatred toward myself.
I guess I can Praise God that the sins have lessened, the wallowing in self pity has mostly subsided and my tolerance for others has stretched to unforeseen boundaries -- but sometimes when I look back I'm abhorred with the person I've been in the past.
It made me realise that I have a lot more to confess.
Now, in other news... my beautiful boy's mum has been in Lebonon on a holiday for the past month (he's Lebonese) She was stuck in Beirut. She's traveling alone (was seeing friends) and obviously got caught up in what is going on. His Mum is the sweetest woman, who I've met many times (who thinks I'm actually his gf or something. Oh, I wish....). He heard she was safe, but he was distraught, and his mother was very upset and wanted so much to come home. Australia was sending a ship to get 500 Australian's to Cyprus. They double booked the ship and she missed out. They didn't hear from her today, but saw her on the front of the Queensland newspaper :( looking so devastated that she couldn't get on the ship.
So I got a phone call from him earlier shaken and desperately upset asking for my prayers, for his mother and the rest of his family and friends who still live over there. He hasn't heard from his mother still, but we assume she got on the next ship -- the embassy couldn't confirm it for him but just said, "we think so..." so I've tried to console him that that's probably just the case. From Cyprus they will go to Bahrain then home...
I know everyone is praying for peace right now, but please pray for the safe return of his Mum. He's still living at home with her, and his father passed away when he was younger, and he's really scared and wants his Mummy back more than anything. I can't stand to see my boy so upset. I wish I was at home, I'd just give him such a huge hug.
May God touch all the families with his healing and comforting hand and bring peace to those who have lost anyone or who are concerned about missing loved ones and bring them to a safe return.
This makes me realised that we are all not as detached from war as we sometimes allow ourselves to think we are...
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Jesus I trust in you.
Certainly the past month has been a test of Faith to say the least.
I know that the Faith in my heart is so strong, but sometimes the dark thoughts cloud my ability to listen to anything but those negative emotions.
I am blessed that my Christian family, although small, is one of such strong faith, selflessness, and much-needed and sound advice.
I've had some news while I was away that I didn't really want to know. I don't like secrets and it's hard to deal with them when you've promised that you will never repeat it -- especially when it's negatively affecting someone that you love so dearly. I needed time to digest it, to comprehend it and to know how to deal with it.
Part of my daily fight with God has always been because I am a control freak. I like to find solutions to my problems, I have issues with sometimes letting go and realising that things are often beyond my control - that God has a plan for all of us and He will do what is right for Me. Rebelling against his wishes, and throwing tantrums when I don't get what I want only pulls me further away from Him.
I go through these motions a lot before eventually realizing that there's nothing to do accept pray.
So that's what I've been doing. I've been praying for comfort, clarity, peace at heart and healing for my family.
Eternal Father,
I offer You the body and blood, soul and divinity of your Dearly Beloved Son, Our Lord, Jesus Christ in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world.
I know that the Faith in my heart is so strong, but sometimes the dark thoughts cloud my ability to listen to anything but those negative emotions.
I am blessed that my Christian family, although small, is one of such strong faith, selflessness, and much-needed and sound advice.
I've had some news while I was away that I didn't really want to know. I don't like secrets and it's hard to deal with them when you've promised that you will never repeat it -- especially when it's negatively affecting someone that you love so dearly. I needed time to digest it, to comprehend it and to know how to deal with it.
Part of my daily fight with God has always been because I am a control freak. I like to find solutions to my problems, I have issues with sometimes letting go and realising that things are often beyond my control - that God has a plan for all of us and He will do what is right for Me. Rebelling against his wishes, and throwing tantrums when I don't get what I want only pulls me further away from Him.
I go through these motions a lot before eventually realizing that there's nothing to do accept pray.
So that's what I've been doing. I've been praying for comfort, clarity, peace at heart and healing for my family.
Eternal Father,
I offer You the body and blood, soul and divinity of your Dearly Beloved Son, Our Lord, Jesus Christ in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Family. The most important thing.
Despite shortcomings, senselessness, idiocy and outright frustrations... I really love my family and in the end it's all you have...
Despite all that I know, things that might turn me off - secrets that I shouldn't have found out -- things that I can't bare to even think about, it doesn't make me love my family any less.
If anything, it's made me more determined to love them more.
Despite all that I know, things that might turn me off - secrets that I shouldn't have found out -- things that I can't bare to even think about, it doesn't make me love my family any less.
If anything, it's made me more determined to love them more.
My brother and his wife.
My sister in law & me.
The entire wedding party.
Mum and I, series of silly photos.
My second Mum and my bestfriend - though a massive question mark kind of sits upon that title at the moment.
And so....... that's that.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
It's over now...
You knew how I felt and you disregarded me.
You should have known that I built you up and placed such an importance on being graced by your royal fucking company.
-- But yet, here I am, alone; letting my feelings bleed on to this page.
I always make the bigger effort. I extend my arm as far as I can stretch it out to you. You can't even try to meet me halfway?
-- I cry here, alone; estrangement blankets me with the warmth and familiarity of the close relationship that I feel as though I may never cherish again.
A wave of despair now comes and visits but mostly I feel impartial, diffident -- I shrug the feeling off of my back, suround myself with the cynicisim that has replaced my wide-eyed naivete.
-- It is here that I get used to the coolness, sometimes frost, that is coupled with being alone
And I don't even mind.
Filling the void that bleeds a desire to be loved, to be inspired and to gain your acceptance isn't important anymore.
-- It is here that I realise that you can't be important to me anymore.
Just the way I was never important to you.
------
I could do with a some prayers. and so could my stupid senseless brother.
You should have known that I built you up and placed such an importance on being graced by your royal fucking company.
-- But yet, here I am, alone; letting my feelings bleed on to this page.
I always make the bigger effort. I extend my arm as far as I can stretch it out to you. You can't even try to meet me halfway?
-- I cry here, alone; estrangement blankets me with the warmth and familiarity of the close relationship that I feel as though I may never cherish again.
A wave of despair now comes and visits but mostly I feel impartial, diffident -- I shrug the feeling off of my back, suround myself with the cynicisim that has replaced my wide-eyed naivete.
-- It is here that I get used to the coolness, sometimes frost, that is coupled with being alone
And I don't even mind.
Filling the void that bleeds a desire to be loved, to be inspired and to gain your acceptance isn't important anymore.
-- It is here that I realise that you can't be important to me anymore.
Just the way I was never important to you.
------
I could do with a some prayers. and so could my stupid senseless brother.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Im in Sydney
And I wish I never came. Clearly people matter more to me than I ever mattered to them. I'm serious when I say that I won't be coming back here in a really, really long time.
Monday, please come fast.
Monday, please come fast.
Monday, July 03, 2006
A night of sheer brilliance
Are you down with G-O-D?! Yeah! You know me!!! haha.
Last night was utter brilliance. I suffer some ailments thereafter -- such as waking up without a voice and taking about 3 backsteps into sickness again (great job, lungie.) And yes, I found the spice of life.
C*DB are brilliant. CYM did a fantastic job of putting together such a fun, alcohol, smoke free event that all people could enjoy... I took along Sharidan and we were meeting my friends Jade & Mel there. We got some seats in the front and didn't even have to go early or anything. We had a great spot. We joked about Guy S*ebastian turning up (one of the C*DB guys is one of Guy's best mates & is in Guy's band).
I'm too tired to write up a whole big thing... but it was all for a Catholic organisation and so all the money was going toward that. The music acts were amazing. Israel did a quick set cause he was sick. Jade was amazing (the singer, not my friend) as always -- she was pretty darn spectacular ... Guy S*ebastian turned up as we'd joked LOL and he actually performed which was such a brilliant surprise. I have a feeling that he was supposed to come the whole time and it was hush hush... And can I just say? I am so proud of C*DB. If you're Aussie, you'll remember them. They're such strong-faithed, talented, exceptional musicians. It's been I think, 7 or 8 yrs since they were together last and they did this set ... with the same choreography, the same moves, the same energy and the same emotion ... They were so good. I see one of the guys a lot because along with the fact that he's with Guy often on tours and stuff, he's also someone that I've had the pleasure of getting to know through my faith. I remember him from his energetic C*DB days, but I'm really not used to seeing that type of performance from him at 30 something yrs old. I was so stunned. It was great. (I'm still stunned LOL) They sang some of my favourites (yes, including Let's Groove & Good times) but my fave was an acapella of a gospel song "Something Within Me" ...
Anyway, I'll cut to the chase with some photos before I go off to bed cause I'm gonna go do some work at St. Vinnies early in the morning...
Ready to go!
Sharidan and I, just before the doors opened.
Guy draws the raffle!
CD*B! YAY -- Gary, Brad, Jude (dunno where Danny is hiding)
Brad jammin' hard core! He's such a squishy one.
Danny hiding again behind Jude, Gary & Brad, cutting it up!!!
Homie G singing one of the classics. He's so talented, this guy. He writes brilliant songs, he has a killer falsetto, he's one of the most faithful Christian's I've ever met and I really, really look up to him. He's such a good person.
Here's my home-skillet G and I one of the first times I ever met him. Now we're like old homies from across thew way. (I'm unrelated I know, but when I was uploading the other pics, I found this one in my photobucket.) He's a great help when it comes to understanding some hideously confusing questions and dilema's concerning faith & is just really quite kind and warm-hearted.
This is after the show with my friends, Mel and Jade. :D
And me, before I went to bed with my new set of bi-focals. How gangsta am I?! For realz, homes!
Israel had us throw our peace signs up last night, and let me tell you -- I felt richer with gangsta for it. Nothing like watching 100 or so people throw their arms up out of sync, throwing them back and forth, most out of rhythm -- its a wonder no one got killed LOL.
Anyway, had a great night. The atmosphere was great, the Praise was great, all artists were brilliant, including the cameo of Guy and I had heaps of fun :) If you're wondering why I starred out some names, it's because of the google blog search -- I don't people to find my journal. Sometimes I like to be a bit private here.
Anyhoozle. That's all for now. I need to get some rest and work for a couple hours in the morning. I hope I have a voice.
I'M DOWN WITH G-O-D!!!!!!!!!!1111
Last night was utter brilliance. I suffer some ailments thereafter -- such as waking up without a voice and taking about 3 backsteps into sickness again (great job, lungie.) And yes, I found the spice of life.
C*DB are brilliant. CYM did a fantastic job of putting together such a fun, alcohol, smoke free event that all people could enjoy... I took along Sharidan and we were meeting my friends Jade & Mel there. We got some seats in the front and didn't even have to go early or anything. We had a great spot. We joked about Guy S*ebastian turning up (one of the C*DB guys is one of Guy's best mates & is in Guy's band).
I'm too tired to write up a whole big thing... but it was all for a Catholic organisation and so all the money was going toward that. The music acts were amazing. Israel did a quick set cause he was sick. Jade was amazing (the singer, not my friend) as always -- she was pretty darn spectacular ... Guy S*ebastian turned up as we'd joked LOL and he actually performed which was such a brilliant surprise. I have a feeling that he was supposed to come the whole time and it was hush hush... And can I just say? I am so proud of C*DB. If you're Aussie, you'll remember them. They're such strong-faithed, talented, exceptional musicians. It's been I think, 7 or 8 yrs since they were together last and they did this set ... with the same choreography, the same moves, the same energy and the same emotion ... They were so good. I see one of the guys a lot because along with the fact that he's with Guy often on tours and stuff, he's also someone that I've had the pleasure of getting to know through my faith. I remember him from his energetic C*DB days, but I'm really not used to seeing that type of performance from him at 30 something yrs old. I was so stunned. It was great. (I'm still stunned LOL) They sang some of my favourites (yes, including Let's Groove & Good times) but my fave was an acapella of a gospel song "Something Within Me" ...
Anyway, I'll cut to the chase with some photos before I go off to bed cause I'm gonna go do some work at St. Vinnies early in the morning...
Ready to go!
Sharidan and I, just before the doors opened.
Guy draws the raffle!
CD*B! YAY -- Gary, Brad, Jude (dunno where Danny is hiding)
Brad jammin' hard core! He's such a squishy one.
Danny hiding again behind Jude, Gary & Brad, cutting it up!!!
Homie G singing one of the classics. He's so talented, this guy. He writes brilliant songs, he has a killer falsetto, he's one of the most faithful Christian's I've ever met and I really, really look up to him. He's such a good person.
Here's my home-skillet G and I one of the first times I ever met him. Now we're like old homies from across thew way. (I'm unrelated I know, but when I was uploading the other pics, I found this one in my photobucket.) He's a great help when it comes to understanding some hideously confusing questions and dilema's concerning faith & is just really quite kind and warm-hearted.
This is after the show with my friends, Mel and Jade. :D
And me, before I went to bed with my new set of bi-focals. How gangsta am I?! For realz, homes!
Israel had us throw our peace signs up last night, and let me tell you -- I felt richer with gangsta for it. Nothing like watching 100 or so people throw their arms up out of sync, throwing them back and forth, most out of rhythm -- its a wonder no one got killed LOL.
Anyway, had a great night. The atmosphere was great, the Praise was great, all artists were brilliant, including the cameo of Guy and I had heaps of fun :) If you're wondering why I starred out some names, it's because of the google blog search -- I don't people to find my journal. Sometimes I like to be a bit private here.
Anyhoozle. That's all for now. I need to get some rest and work for a couple hours in the morning. I hope I have a voice.
I'M DOWN WITH G-O-D!!!!!!!!!!1111
Saturday, July 01, 2006
One Night Only
Catholic Youth Ministry, Melbourne.Should be fun. Israel is recent musical love. & Jade M*acrae is my platonic girlfriend LOL. And C*DB are a bunch of great, musically talented boys. Will come back with a report as to how it went.
xox
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