This is the end

I feel like blogspot has lost its sense of community. And I've lost my interest in posting here. I have a new journal at Live Journal, and I am happy to share it with anyone who wants the url, but I wont be posting it exclusively here. (And so no, it isnt the soakemsuper journal, I've locked every entry on that from the public)

If you want the url and can be bothered, just email me a request here; soakmesuper at gmail dot com.

I know I've done this before, but this is definitely final.

Jess

Talk about boring...

I always open this up feeling like I have some things to talk about and once it's open, I think ... meh. I have nothing interesting to talk about -- I really don't.

I'm sick again. I have had to take a week from my work placement. I will begin again on monday for the last week. Thankfully it wasn't a sickness that lasted more than a week, which I suppose is something very new and different for me.

Mum and I are going to a concert tomorrow night. It's the first thing I've been really excited about in awhile.

I ran over a cat on Sunday and I am still feeling relatively traumatised by that, especially since I had just made the comment earlier that morning about how much it would scare me to ever hurt an animal in my car. I don't think that I killed it. There was notihng I could have done -- it bolted out straight from the road and under my car. I slammed my brakes but it was still too late. I saw it out my rearview mirror bolting away in to someones yard like a rabbit. I guess I didn't hit it too hard, but I know I hit it. I pulled over and cried for 10 minutes and sobbed down the phone to my mum before composing myself. I then went to look for it, I couldn't find it so I knocked on some doors and finally just told this old couple what happened. They were lovely and helped me feel better about it all. They told me that they would alert their neighbours who own cats.

I haven't driven my car since. :( I feel sick just thinking about it.

Still haven't registered for WYD08. I still don't know how I feel about it.

I'm frustrated over a couple of relationships in my life. As much as I've prayed about it, nothing ever gets resolved and I can never establish my true feelings about it all. I go back and forth all the time.

Anyway, that's enough of that.

You'll hear from me soon.

World Youth Day

I went to a world youth day meeting tonight. Can I just say, my goodness.......... I have never felt so overwhelmed or as nervous about something in such a long time. Why? Why did I feel that way??

Is this for me?

Is this what I'm supposed to be doing?

Hmm... The whole thing... I felt so nervous talking to people I had never met, introducing myself to someone I had met once before thru another friend...

It was hard...

Why?

New placement

So I start the big job today.

Four week intensive, 7 hr shifts, 5 days a week. I'm quite excited and confident about it. There are a few reasons as to why.

The ladies that I will be working with are much older and more experienced than my regular part time position at another center.

It is no secret that I seem to level and feel much more comfortable with people who are middle aged and over. I don't know why, but I find it very easy to chat. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I've never really spent too much time with people around my own age, but rather adults and have always had to deal with adult situations -- but whatever it is, I am at ease and felt really confident and happy about the center that I've been placed in for the next month. I think and hope that it will be less structured and more relaxed than at my casual job.

It's so easy to immediately have favourites when working with children. I always get sucked in by the overly-affectionate, clingy children who follow my instructions and do as I say. In saying that, I have a soft spot for the children with behavior "problems" ... mostly because co-workers label them and make no time for them... I am always looking for a solution or a reason for their behavior.... There's a particular boy at my casual job that I fell in complete love with. He was so adorable ... but very whingey cos the other kids wouldn't play with him... but he was entirely lovely and affectionate. That's the best part about my job...

I love children....I really want to figure out what I can do after this course, what will be best for me.

Have I found spiritual enlightenment?

I think I have finally truly understood the necessity for Daily Prayer. I have understood it's importance and how spiritually fulfilling it can be especially when my soul feels weak.

I was always so scared of prayer because I felt like I wasn't doing it "properly", or that my petitions to God Almighty weren't important or worthy. Or, sometimes? Honestly? I was just pure lazy.

But isn't it funny that I can pick up my phone and dial my friends and talk to them for hours? But yet, I hardly made time to talk to God.

Isn't it funny that I can dedicate more than an hour a day to a Michael Jackson fan forum, surfing and discussing the latest and greatest updates? But yet, couldn't open my bible and read one single passage?

I have been posting over at the Catholic Answers Forum, learning about my faith, asking questions and partaking in general conversation in regards to the Church. Unfortunately at the moment I used up all of our download limit so I have been pushed back to dial up and it won't load.

That's okay, I have a heap of work to do. I am so behind. I am in the middle of loads of Data entry and I really don't have much time for anything else. But I just wanted to write this quick update before I get back to it.

I am feeling very, very good. I think I may have also found a temporary solution to my illness issue in time for work placement next week. Ha, so much for enjoying my holidays!!!

P.S Anyone reading this from Italy? I need a copy of L'uomo Vogue. haha Yes. Need.

Engaging in prayer

I have been engaging in heavy prayer and reflection for the past 24 hours and it has marked such a shift in my mood. I know it sounds dumb, since it's only been 24 hours, but it really has made a difference. I have been keeping my focus on God.

I feel more well. I have better spirits.

Two nights ago I had an extremely high-strung argument with someone that I had for the past 9 or so months, considered a friend. Not necessarily a great friend, but a friend all the same. Someone who I have bent over continually backwards for - I have given her my unconditional friendship, I have invited her to stay at my house when she was having family problems, I have offered myself as a cab service dropping her off and picking her up when she's more than 15 minutes in the other direction. I have loaned her my belongings, helped her consistently with homework and essays and even completed dual assignments mostly on my own without her help and allowed her to take credit. I expected (and stupid of me) that just once she could extend her compassion to me during my time of need.

I was very, very wrong. In fact, quite the opposite occured. I was devastated by it, though I don't know why I was so surprised.

You see, back in June just days after I had had her at my house whinging about some family conflict (which I honestly don't think was even that big of a deal) I felt like I was kind of close to her ... and I had a doctors appointment where he had delivered me some pretty heavy news. I was really quite shocked by it and for a couple of days I was sad and needed some comfort. I turned up to class one day and couldn't keep myself from crying. She noticed, she said not one single word to me. She asked for a ride home, I complied. When we were alone in the car, despite how hard I tried, I sobbed to the point it was actually impossible for her not to notice -- she said not one word to me, but rather looked out the passenger window and pretended not to notice. I just shrugged it off and thought that maybe she had no idea how to approach me, but I'm sorry -- sometimes people crying makes me uncomfortable, but regardless, I would put my hand on their shoulder and say, "Are you ok?" at the very least.

But no. She mumbled a thanks as she got out the car and really hasn't acted the same with me since.

We had a huge fight the other night. Basically it resulted in her showing absolutely no compassion for my position. And that in effect, gutted me. But I don't know why. She's been inconsistent with me since day dot. I think the whole surrounding situation just set it off.... but anyway. I decided to end the remnants of whatever friendship we have left. I will be polite of course and never rude, but I won't go out of my way for her since she's made it so abundantly clear that any friendship we could have is always going to be strictly upon her terms.

Oh well.

I will pray for her to learn better methods of communication with people and for her to find compassion for others.

Where have I been?

I've been around... but I guess it's boring to keep blogging about the same thing. It's really the same thing every week. I'm sick. I'm sick. I'm sick... I'm still sick. There's really not a lot else to add.

I haven't been in contact with a lot of my friends, basically just whoever happens to pop on msn... I don't have the energy... My Dad is in Thailand; I'm missing him more than ever at the moment.

I need to rid my life of so many traits that I have come to seriously abhor and hate myself for... gossiping, bitching, selfishness, self-indulgence, my language... Succumb to slippage... just really .. blase about the way things are turning out at the moment.

it was so much easier when i was with my dad... i had a life, i had friends, i didnt constantly feel so isolated and distant and ... just so blah.

so if theres any ghost souls reading this, sorry its not more interesting. i should have found 101 languages to say "im sick" ... could have been more interesting.