By The Grace Of God...

This is the end

2007-10-31T13:40:00.000+11:00

I feel like blogspot has lost its sense of community. And I've lost my interest in posting here. I have a new journal at Live Journal, and I am happy to share it with anyone who wants the url, but I wont be posting it exclusively here. (And so no, it isnt the soakemsuper journal, I've locked every entry on that from the public)

If you want the url and can be bothered, just email me a request here; soakmesuper at gmail dot com.

I know I've done this before, but this is definitely final.

Jess

Talk about boring...

2007-10-26T01:00:00.000+10:00

I always open this up feeling like I have some things to talk about and once it's open, I think ... meh. I have nothing interesting to talk about -- I really don't.

I'm sick again. I have had to take a week from my work placement. I will begin again on monday for the last week. Thankfully it wasn't a sickness that lasted more than a week, which I suppose is something very new and different for me.

Mum and I are going to a concert tomorrow night. It's the first thing I've been really excited about in awhile.

I ran over a cat on Sunday and I am still feeling relatively traumatised by that, especially since I had just made the comment earlier that morning about how much it would scare me to ever hurt an animal in my car. I don't think that I killed it. There was notihng I could have done -- it bolted out straight from the road and under my car. I slammed my brakes but it was still too late. I saw it out my rearview mirror bolting away in to someones yard like a rabbit. I guess I didn't hit it too hard, but I know I hit it. I pulled over and cried for 10 minutes and sobbed down the phone to my mum before composing myself. I then went to look for it, I couldn't find it so I knocked on some doors and finally just told this old couple what happened. They were lovely and helped me feel better about it all. They told me that they would alert their neighbours who own cats.

I haven't driven my car since. :( I feel sick just thinking about it.

Still haven't registered for WYD08. I still don't know how I feel about it.

I'm frustrated over a couple of relationships in my life. As much as I've prayed about it, nothing ever gets resolved and I can never establish my true feelings about it all. I go back and forth all the time.

Anyway, that's enough of that.

You'll hear from me soon.

World Youth Day

2007-10-17T22:07:00.000+10:00

I went to a world youth day meeting tonight. Can I just say, my goodness.......... I have never felt so overwhelmed or as nervous about something in such a long time. Why? Why did I feel that way??

Is this for me?

Is this what I'm supposed to be doing?

Hmm... The whole thing... I felt so nervous talking to people I had never met, introducing myself to someone I had met once before thru another friend...

It was hard...

Why?

New placement

2007-10-01T08:05:00.000+10:00

So I start the big job today.

Four week intensive, 7 hr shifts, 5 days a week. I'm quite excited and confident about it. There are a few reasons as to why.

The ladies that I will be working with are much older and more experienced than my regular part time position at another center.

It is no secret that I seem to level and feel much more comfortable with people who are middle aged and over. I don't know why, but I find it very easy to chat. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I've never really spent too much time with people around my own age, but rather adults and have always had to deal with adult situations -- but whatever it is, I am at ease and felt really confident and happy about the center that I've been placed in for the next month. I think and hope that it will be less structured and more relaxed than at my casual job.

It's so easy to immediately have favourites when working with children. I always get sucked in by the overly-affectionate, clingy children who follow my instructions and do as I say. In saying that, I have a soft spot for the children with behavior "problems" ... mostly because co-workers label them and make no time for them... I am always looking for a solution or a reason for their behavior.... There's a particular boy at my casual job that I fell in complete love with. He was so adorable ... but very whingey cos the other kids wouldn't play with him... but he was entirely lovely and affectionate. That's the best part about my job...

I love children....I really want to figure out what I can do after this course, what will be best for me.

Have I found spiritual enlightenment?

2007-09-25T00:54:00.000+10:00

I think I have finally truly understood the necessity for Daily Prayer. I have understood it's importance and how spiritually fulfilling it can be especially when my soul feels weak.

I was always so scared of prayer because I felt like I wasn't doing it "properly", or that my petitions to God Almighty weren't important or worthy. Or, sometimes? Honestly? I was just pure lazy.

But isn't it funny that I can pick up my phone and dial my friends and talk to them for hours? But yet, I hardly made time to talk to God.

Isn't it funny that I can dedicate more than an hour a day to a Michael Jackson fan forum, surfing and discussing the latest and greatest updates? But yet, couldn't open my bible and read one single passage?

I have been posting over at the Catholic Answers Forum, learning about my faith, asking questions and partaking in general conversation in regards to the Church. Unfortunately at the moment I used up all of our download limit so I have been pushed back to dial up and it won't load.

That's okay, I have a heap of work to do. I am so behind. I am in the middle of loads of Data entry and I really don't have much time for anything else. But I just wanted to write this quick update before I get back to it.

I am feeling very, very good. I think I may have also found a temporary solution to my illness issue in time for work placement next week. Ha, so much for enjoying my holidays!!!

P.S Anyone reading this from Italy? I need a copy of L'uomo Vogue. haha Yes. Need.

Engaging in prayer

2007-09-22T19:26:00.000+10:00

I have been engaging in heavy prayer and reflection for the past 24 hours and it has marked such a shift in my mood. I know it sounds dumb, since it's only been 24 hours, but it really has made a difference. I have been keeping my focus on God.

I feel more well. I have better spirits.

Two nights ago I had an extremely high-strung argument with someone that I had for the past 9 or so months, considered a friend. Not necessarily a great friend, but a friend all the same. Someone who I have bent over continually backwards for - I have given her my unconditional friendship, I have invited her to stay at my house when she was having family problems, I have offered myself as a cab service dropping her off and picking her up when she's more than 15 minutes in the other direction. I have loaned her my belongings, helped her consistently with homework and essays and even completed dual assignments mostly on my own without her help and allowed her to take credit. I expected (and stupid of me) that just once she could extend her compassion to me during my time of need.

I was very, very wrong. In fact, quite the opposite occured. I was devastated by it, though I don't know why I was so surprised.

You see, back in June just days after I had had her at my house whinging about some family conflict (which I honestly don't think was even that big of a deal) I felt like I was kind of close to her ... and I had a doctors appointment where he had delivered me some pretty heavy news. I was really quite shocked by it and for a couple of days I was sad and needed some comfort. I turned up to class one day and couldn't keep myself from crying. She noticed, she said not one single word to me. She asked for a ride home, I complied. When we were alone in the car, despite how hard I tried, I sobbed to the point it was actually impossible for her not to notice -- she said not one word to me, but rather looked out the passenger window and pretended not to notice. I just shrugged it off and thought that maybe she had no idea how to approach me, but I'm sorry -- sometimes people crying makes me uncomfortable, but regardless, I would put my hand on their shoulder and say, "Are you ok?" at the very least.

But no. She mumbled a thanks as she got out the car and really hasn't acted the same with me since.

We had a huge fight the other night. Basically it resulted in her showing absolutely no compassion for my position. And that in effect, gutted me. But I don't know why. She's been inconsistent with me since day dot. I think the whole surrounding situation just set it off.... but anyway. I decided to end the remnants of whatever friendship we have left. I will be polite of course and never rude, but I won't go out of my way for her since she's made it so abundantly clear that any friendship we could have is always going to be strictly upon her terms.

Oh well.

I will pray for her to learn better methods of communication with people and for her to find compassion for others.

Where have I been?

2007-09-20T23:20:00.000+10:00

I've been around... but I guess it's boring to keep blogging about the same thing. It's really the same thing every week. I'm sick. I'm sick. I'm sick... I'm still sick. There's really not a lot else to add.

I haven't been in contact with a lot of my friends, basically just whoever happens to pop on msn... I don't have the energy... My Dad is in Thailand; I'm missing him more than ever at the moment.

I need to rid my life of so many traits that I have come to seriously abhor and hate myself for... gossiping, bitching, selfishness, self-indulgence, my language... Succumb to slippage... just really .. blase about the way things are turning out at the moment.

it was so much easier when i was with my dad... i had a life, i had friends, i didnt constantly feel so isolated and distant and ... just so blah.

so if theres any ghost souls reading this, sorry its not more interesting. i should have found 101 languages to say "im sick" ... could have been more interesting.

Sleep, interupted.

2007-08-24T15:16:00.000+10:00

I'm trying to rest up as much as I can. This means putting my exciting concert weekend on the backburner because I don't think it's a good idea to go out in to the night air and also because I have been sent to the nebuliser every 4 hrs. Great.

So, four times I have dozed off this afternoon and do you believe that each of those 4 times I was awoken by the phone. The first time by SMS, the second and third time by the home phone ringing and fourth time by my mobile ringing. The good news is, is that the fourth call was from a guy who needed my bank details so he could pay me for a design that I've done for his website. Yay. We like money.

It must be nice to be a dog. My dog has been asleep next to me the whole afternoon while I've been tossing and turning and stirring and trying to rest. She lifts her head every now and then to belch in my face, and believe me... it's really quite potent and disgusting.

I'm sure she giggles to herself on the inside.

Woohoo.

2007-08-22T21:27:00.000+10:00

SO...lol, I'm sick again. Damn tonsilitis. I'm starting to think that I may have to have them removed? I have had tonsilitis about 5 times since the beginning of the year. I am yet again without the ability to speak. Some may think that this is a blessing. Mostly I'm annoyed because I am missing out on classes and because I can't lay down for more than a few minutes without having to spring back up to muster up the lung capacity to cough everything up. I hope it clears up by the weekend, I have a concert on, darn it!

I didn't break the new computer that I bought (surprisingly), but I did actually take it back because it turned out to be a heap of crap with lots of hard ware conflicts. My friend's loverly husband is in the midst of making a new one for me, building it from scratch.

My latest addiction is facebook.com ... I love it. It is a great time waster.

Oh and the assignment that I posted down below? The advertisement for the television commercial? Yeah? well I got a distinction for it :)

xxxx

Exhaustion abounds, pt 2.

2007-08-18T10:28:00.000+10:00

So here's a funny little story.

On monday I applied online to a child care agency with my friend Laura. I thought, this should be fun. I'll just see what happens... at least we were registered and who knew? Can you imagine my surprise when during class on tuesday they called Laura? Well, despite the fact that I was happy for her, I was a little disappointed that they hadn't yet called me. I figured it was because I answered some of the questions differently (like; no, I cannot lift a child 20kg or more! And no I would not be available to work every single day.) Then I joked that her surname begins with R and mine begins with T, so dur, of course they'd call her first.

And not 20 minutes later, I received a phone call. I got a date for a job interview on wednesday. They asked questions like if I'd be willing to obtain a first aid certificate (it's part of my course but we haven't got to it yet.) and if I was studying a dip 1 or just a certificate qualification (I'm studying dip 1, it's actually a higher qualification involving program planning and all.) and the woman doing the phone interview was lovely which helped. Then, almost ruining it all, she dropped the bombshell that the job would be at the same place I worked on job placement back in May. (Remember, the place I had to call in sick to almost every single day for 2 weeks because some snot nose gave me one heck of a chest infection + tonsilitis and just about anything else that came with it???)

Ok, don't panic, I thought. I just shrugged and thought oh well, I was legitimately sick and I think they realised it. I would have just hated if they bitched about me after I left, cos it seemed like that type of place sometimes. So I went for the interview on wednesday and I was asked to bring all of my ID, my bank account details and such... so I thought hmm, could be good? The director didn't remember me, but I explained who I was with a bit of a joke, "Remember me? I worked here on placement.... oh, you probably wouldn't remember, I was sick 97% of my time here." ...and we all laughed (like the end of a heman episode, lol) and the edge was taken off it.

We talked a bit and I filled out some forms and I gained the idea that she was pretty much happy to take me on as a casual "call-in" staff member (to do relieving duties or to fill in when others are sick) she said she'd send all my paper work back to head office and to come back with a copy of my study time table and my tax file dec and I'd hear back probably to see what happens.

So that was exciting. I went home feeling so confident about it. Then thursday my friend received a phone call from the centre as she is my working reference. She is a child sleep specialist among many other child-related talents, lol. And she gave me one heck of an amazing reference before her phone chugged out and they didn't call her back.

And on friday (yesterday) I had a day off from college --first one in ages and I figured that I'd get all kinds of things done, like go to the bank, drop off some post, study all day and work on assignments and of course treat myself to a sleep in no earlier than 10:30am.

Well.

I woke up at 8 and couldn't go back to sleep. So I laid in bed with my dog and we watched the Simpsons (her favourite is Homer too. I know, she told me.) and my Mum comes racing in to my room with her mobile phone and said it was the childcare centre. I was thinking huh?? Why are they calling Mum? So I answer gingerly, wondering wth was going on. It was the director in a bit of a state, "Jess are you able to work for me today? I have just received all your paper work so you are ready to go if you want to work." ... Of course I jumped at the chance. (And just to explain, she called my Mum because she didn't have my phone number, lol and my Mum's number was written down on the illness' form I'd filled in.)

So I worked yesterday ... my first day as a childcare worker. The pay is really good, I was pleasantly surprised. And the time went really fast. And the kids were so adorable. I had heaps of fun... most of the staff were fantastic as well. I just need to learn some positive management skills when it comes to discipline because I found some of the older children trying to test me to try to see how far they could push me -- I need to learn to be super confident in diffusing situations cos children can smell fear haha like animals, and I don't want them to walk all over me.

Anyway, so look at me go, I'm a childcare worker, officially! Thank you Jesus for answering all of my prayers. :D

quick update.

2007-08-16T01:05:00.000+10:00

job interview with childcare centre today. went perfect. probably have a job in the industry before i am even qualified. yippee.

have a new computer.

went to an awesome party with a bunch of friends on saturday night.

have 2 huge assignments due tomorrow morning. had no sleep. very tired.

friend dropped a massive big one on me about something that happened to her a few weeks ago. im still shocked, more about it later.

im going to sleep.

its been an amazing and blessed week but really feel like Ive got no time to breathe recently.

ah well, ill mull over that later.

may god shower every person who reads this with an abundance of blessings.

all my love,
jess

God is awesome.

2007-08-11T00:03:00.000+10:00

I know I haven't written much on my blog lately --it's for two reasons; a; my computer blew up very literally and my laptop is a heap of crap that freezes and buggers up every half an hour. and b, because I've been really busy with my studies. Yep, I found the motivation I needed to work through everything. I basically turned to God, I found my inspiration. I found a new friend, I feel fresh -- I feel stronger in faith and I feel a mostly happier.

A friend of mine is going through some personal turmoils and I have really just dedicated myself to being there for her and facilitating her time as well as I can to alleviate some of her stress. I have realised how much this means to her which spurs me on more to be there for her and to be more giving of myself to the others around me that I love.

In other news, I wanted to share this video --- it is a commercial that I made in light of an assessment I had about child abuse. Basically, I cleaned up lol. I made this commercial using one of my close friends as an actor, and using other stock sounds for effects. It is supposed to portray a children's service -- so I made it and presented it to my class and teacher in DVD format and I am very proud of it, not to mention I am confident that I will receive a good mark.

So here it is :)

Also, I don't have mono / glandular fever / the kissing disease. It took awhile for my throat to heal up, but it feels a fair bit better today and yesterday. It still hurts a bit but I'm it will be okay. :)

And Mum and I are planning a trip to Sydney on the first week of September.

I'm interested to know what everyone thinks of the video, any how... so please let me know by blog comment... May God shower an abundance of blessings upon you and I will come back and post here in the next few days.

Miss all my blogees like mad.

Throat infection, singing, and procrastination.

2007-08-01T22:00:00.000+10:00

lol, as usual, I go to bed with good intentions... and wake up without them. I've still failed to do much of anything. Why isn't that surprising? ... As I said to my friend today, I just ... well, I dunno.. I'm finding it so hard to give a shit -- about much. I miss Sydney, I miss my friends, I miss my Dad so much I can't even express. I miss Sharidan too, she's been overseas since March and she's pretty much my only true friend out here... I hope September will come soon.

On Sunday during Mass it came to my attention that I was having some problems opening my mouth too wide, (not that I generally walk around with my mouth agape, but yawning and eating, etc.) and my throat hurt a lot on the right side. I ran around the house telling anyone who'd listen (4 dogs and a cat and my Mum) that "OMGZ I HAVE THE KISSING DISEASE! [glandular fever]" ... only, I haven't shared drinks, kissed or shared saliva for oh, quite some time. It continued to hurt, hindering my ability to swallow normally for the past week. So I went to the Dr today, nevermind that I had to wait almost 2 hrs to see him, and he checked my throat out and apparently it's filled with pus! Yum.

Nasty throat infection. Let's now pump my body full of anti-biotics and see how it goes.

Still haven't found a decent doctor out here. and even the Drs that they say are "good" aren't as Mum and I call them, "real" doctors... I am thinking I might make an appointment for my old doctor closer to the city and save these cereal box drs for when I have to have cold / flu related check ups.

I was going to talk about my classes today, but I realised I can't be bothered and in fact, instead of doing home work, leisure work, or even any reading. I'm just going to go to bed.

I got the biggest part of heaven in my life.

2007-07-31T00:19:00.000+10:00

I keep typing things to write about, and I wonder why I'm having so much trouble trying to find something to say. I guess, I had a bit of post-Sydney blues. It happens, especially since I truly didn't get to spend any time with my Dad... After not seeing him for 7 months, I could have spared him a week from my socialising, but as usual -- I seem to act selfishly in the moment and regret it with everything, afterwards. I saw my Dad for one night and he seemed a bit let down that I wasn't staying longer... I wished I had.... Oh well, it's over with now.

Every now and then I get a bout of depression. Praise God, it's hardly the same kind of despair and rock-bottom sadness as the kind that used to encumber me back a few years ago -- but, sometimes it's distant relatives creep up on me and bring me down a couple pegs. I didn't want to go back to college last week. I wanted to quit. I wanted to go to bed and sleep off the sadness. I couldn't really motivate myself to do anything that needed to be done.

I had an assignment due today which, when I received it, I was a little excited about -- but for some reason, I let time pass and didn't bother with it. I misread the calandar, I thought tomorrow it was due, so I figured I'd use monday to get it done, because the places I had to obtain info were closed for the weekend. Half of me was screaming angry that I left it to the last minute-- and the other part of me, just didn't care... I'm not even going to bother with my defense... I had plenty of time to do it, I just didn't. I couldn't even use the arguement that I have a load of other work to do, because even as true as that may be -- I actually haven't started on much of that either. I worked most of the holiday in Sydney making a website for a very successful Australian business... I used a lot of the time I had planned to do my assignments on that -- but it's still not an excuse.

And I want to go to uni after this course? Laughable, considering I'm peaking it about THIS workload... My course is pretty lenient on not handing things in, my teachers are understanding and take other class loads in to consideration. Uni is much more demanding and not so accomodating of cheesy excuses -- so I had to make the decision... am I going to do this half-arsed? Or am I going to do this properly? .... So, I made a list of everything that is due, everything that is overdue, I will go to my teachers on wednesday, and figure out something and let them know what's going on. I will make sure I have done absolutely everything that needs to be handed in, and really just start pulling my head in and doing it.

I don't want to be a half-arsed carer, I want to be good at my job...

I got home tonight and started organising all of my work, I fixed up my work space and got myself organised. I have a day off tomorrow, and I'm going to do everything and get it all finished and prioritise a whole lot better.

Here's to an end of procrastination.

God Bless.

Something that sets me apart.

2007-07-25T18:06:00.000+10:00

Firstly, I am back. I will be looking to find all my blog friends and catch up with them over the coming days.

I have been gone just a little under a month. Can you believe it? Let's just say that I was a little relieved to get home. I have had an interesting last few weeks... fun, up and down, very busy and lots of laughs.

I just wanted to say that... I had been struggling a lot with a certain male friend of mine that I had written about a few posts ago... and I spent some time with him while I was away, and I came to realise a few very important things about the relationship that I have with him. One of those, is that, any hopes for romantacism between he and I above a silly-joke level is simply just a fantasy in my head. It will never happen, on his part it is harmless flirting, harmless kisses, harmless affection, despite the fact that it leaves me wishing and hoping like mad for a boyfriend exactly like him -- well, him.

Another thing I realised is that, I thought I was special to him... and I mean that in a romantic, slightly-more-platonic way -- only to realise he treats other females exactly the same. This doesn't make him a bad person, it just makes me a fool for thinking that I could be in love with a best friend who doesn't even bat for the same team. What the hell was I thinking?

I have really deep feelings for him, but I have resigned myself to the fact that it's never going to make a difference to him. He'll always love me as his little Jess, the one who laps up his physical affection like a happy puppy, who dabbles in what appears to be playful flirting.... and when it comes to the nuts and bolts of it, someone who he can trust and tell anything to... and that's all.

See... I'm so cynical when it comes to the opposite sex... why bother? I have this ridiculous running history of falling for the wrong guy... the "safe" guy who will never be in a position to reciprocate my feelings because they are either involved with someone, completely unattainable and living on the other side of the globe or ... gay. And I'm sure I do this in a feeble attempt to not get hurt -- only, I still always get hurt...

In a nutshell, I'm stupid.

I'm on holidays

2007-07-05T12:08:00.000+10:00

Oops, I neglected to tell anyone that I was off on holidays for a little while. I am in Adelaide at the moment and on the weekend I will be heading to Sydney for a week and a half to see friends and also my Dad. :)

I will be back very soon! sorry for not posting anything for ages.

xxx

WYD 08 - RECEIVE THE POWER

2007-06-24T01:54:00.000+10:00

If you want to hear the World Youth Day song by Guy Sebastian and Paulini Curuenavuli, then click this link

It can be found on the right hand side of the page on the "media centre" ... The song is beautiful. I really think they made a good choice. I've listened through a few times, and really can't wait to get a copy of it.

I'm interested to hear what everyone thinks.

Exhaustion abounds...

2007-06-21T23:41:00.000+10:00

Something struck me this afternoon as I sat down to finish off my homework. I no longer feel a searing pang of resentment toward my course each morning when I awake. For so long I woke up feeling really heavy, as though I wanted to just call up and say, "I quit. I don't do mornings." ...

And now it's just routine. Sometimes, I'll admit, I'm a little shaky on the whole, getting up early thing. I have recently become worse at it because I have a lot of things to do every night, but never the less, I don't wake up and give myself 20 good reasons as to why I should not go to classes that particular day. Progress, no?

I do know that I am absolutely exhausted much of these days and the holidays, my friend, cannot come quick enough. I start my holidays on wednesday and am as broke as hell and still need to pay for a few things. My mum's birthday gift, my best friend's birthday gift and more. and not to mention bills.

I have been having a huge debate with a baptist over the past few days as I previously mentioned, and I decided I've said my peice. I had to be careful about being too caught up over being "right" rather than just passing on God's word... but I think I answered him well, with the help of a lot of my old comments thanks to the lovely Antonia & Carmel =)

Some amazing things happened today, but I will have to write about that later because its after midnight now and I really need to catch some zeds.

I hope everyone is extremely happy & are having a blessed week. :)
xoxo
J

How do I explain.

2007-06-19T17:25:00.000+10:00

I have been having a huge debate with an Evangelical Christian about being "saved" vs. coming to Christ through Catholicism. They said...

"you're catholic right? Did you know that Jesus said that "unless a person is born again they cannot see the Kingdom of Heaven"?"

How can I explain (because I am scared of misrepresenting myself) the reasons why baptism cleanses us and why Catholics will also see the Kingdom of Heaven? So far, it's been a pretty fair debate... and this is the first time the person has brought up the fact that I'm Catholic, so was just wondering if someone can help?

[edit]Far out... this person is going for it. How exactly, would I answer this without having to lose my freaking mind?

but you do realize that the catholic church goes against things the bible says and they also have made up many things themselves. The catholic church doesn't even teach salvation which is why Jesus came and died.

I'm tempted to leave it as it is, but I don't want him to assume victory just cos I haven't responded.[/edit]

Temptation.

2007-06-18T11:08:00.000+10:00

Warning: This is not a post that reflections me as a nice, Christian person, lol, that's for sure. Please don't think any less of me upon reading this lol.

I have a lot of amazing people in my life, a lot of really good male friends who all love me and respect me. One male friend in particular causes me a lot of grief. He's such a lovely guy and I have been friends with him, I guess I could say, for years now. I don't want to go in to it too much because I'm afraid by some chance he might find his way through here, by way of my email signatures or something (then again, knowing him he'd be too lazy to read the lot anyway, lol!) but there's quite a few years age difference between us ... and over the past year I have probably become a little too infatuated with him. There are two problems with this. Firstly, he doesn't share any of my beliefs, ideals or any deep-rooted values -- and secondly? He's gay. Well, I think. He labels himself as that, but there are other things making me wonder if that's actually the case.

We went to school together, and went on to study technical education together, but have become really close over the past few years. And let me just be blunt? He's one of the hottest guy I've actually ever seen, and I don't classify myself as a particularly superficial chick, but it's just the case.

The problem is, is that I find him a massive temptation. Despite the way he has labeled himself, we have moments together, and there have been instances where I know if I agreed to just go with it, all my beliefs would go flying out the window. We joke about being married, having a relationship, having children, but you know what they say about jokes? Beneath every laugh that there's some truth? When I saw him last there was a moment between us that actually left me a bit dizzy and giddy with feelings for him, and I knew that it was beginning to be a problem.

I avoid going to his house alone these days because each time I do, things happen and the temptation is harder resist there than it is anywhere else, but I don't like the way my feelings for him always fluctuate between having an affection for a good friend or being infatuated with him. I'm sure that there's an element of manipulation from both of us on a subconscious level. I think he goes through confusion with what he wants and I'm sometimes his way out. As for me, I like the idea that I can have someone who loves to act as my boyfriend, who is affectionate, cuddly and always there to stroke my bruised ego when things go wrong, but who doesn't really expect much from me. (Well, that being said...) It was bugging me, so I confided in another Christian friend who told me it was dangerous ground and likened it to "friends with benefits" (I hate that term)

I got really angry and very firmly stated my case. How could it be friends with benefits? We're not having sex. But now that I think back to it, it's basically the same thing isn't it? I'm getting something from him, sometimes physically, may not be sex but it's the same level of physical affection (kissing, etc) and security, and feeling of being needed -- and he's getting something from me, physical affection -- security, and the ability to be able to pretend that he's not actually gay.

I definitely do not want to do away with this friendship at any cost because despite all the above he has been one of my most supportive and generous, considerate friends that I've ever had. I just need to step away from temptation because I feel like sometimes I stand on the line of it with him.

I never, ever, ever have had a problem in the past saying no, or resisting temptation when it comes to the opposite sex at all. And when they've tried to make me feel guilty about it, I've shrugged it away and told them it was their problem (even if it broke up my relationship) -- so why is it such a big deal with this guy? Why do I find him so hard to resist?

Moral dilema

2007-06-16T15:28:00.000+10:00

I was invited to a 21st birthday party of a girl in my class. Funnily enough, this is the first party I have been invited to literally for years. How did I manage to make it to the "cool" group without even trying? All those years in early high school, I wanted to be regarded as "cool" or the one that everybody laughs with about silly jokes. I am the one now that everyone involves in conversation, a person that people tell things to, includes in jokes and so on. Yet, it's funny because it's really not that great. While I really like and appreciate my new set of friends, I recognise that they will probably never be the kind of friends that I would tell my deepest, darkest, personal secrets to.

Anyhow, flattered by this invite, I am -- but I'm unsure if I really want to attend. I sort of obliged by telling her I would come, but the girls in my class who are going are organising to all get a cab together so that they are able to drink and are organising to stay at a motel for the night so that they won't have to drive drunk. (At least they are being safe.) Also, we all decided we should put money together and get her a more expensive gift rather than lots of little ones. Do I drink? Well yes, sometimes. I drink a little bit of wine or champagne occasionally, but I'm honestly not into the whole "getting really plastered" part of it. Partly because A, I don't really know these friends very well -- and B, my body is really rather adverse to alcohol in large quantities (isn't everyone's?) ... so I really don't want to be a party pooper, but I'd like to drive my own car there and back. I hate being in situations where I cannot find my way out of. If I attend this party and it turns out to be just another masqueraded orgy as has many a party I've attended in the past few yrs, then I'll be wanting to leave immediately. If it turns out that I am comfortable and want to have a drink or two, I will be happy to stay at the motel, but I don't want to be trapped.

And then, they decided they wanted to put all our money together and buy her something from a sex shop.......? Okay, I'm not really a prude, but I don't really want to promote my friends' pre-marital sex lives. Sure, I won't judge what goes on behind closed doors and I'm not an idiot, I know out of a lot of my friends, the only one who isn't having sex, is me -- but that's my choice -- and it's also my choice not to want to contribute to someone else's desires to engage in sexual activity. They can do what they want, without me putting money in ... for what? I am scared to ask. I don't want to know what exactly it is that they plan to buy and I don't want to know exactly what it is they do in their bedroom.

So yep, happy to go to the party -- don't want to go as a group for fear of being trapped, and secondly, don't want to buy a friend a tacky gift from a sex shop -- would prefer to buy her something meaningful. What to do, what to do?

Guess who's back... back again...

2007-06-15T22:54:00.000+10:00

Yeah, I always come crawling back to blogspot when greymatter turns extremely gay on me. Remember when blogspot was paying me out back a few months ago? Well, I downloaded Mozilla Firefox and that served as a final solution to a seemingly endless problem.

So here we go... When I was at releasing-magic.com I sort of swayed away from too "over-the-top" Christian posts... and now I wonder why? I know I am not ashamed of my beliefs, but was I trying to gear my blog more toward secular people and didn't want them to lose interest for sharing Christianly views? Was I afraid of what my friends would think? Hmm, not sure. However, I decided that it was ridiculous, especially because I've refocused on a lot of things in my life; The Father Almighty in particular.

I have been reading my bible quite often lately. It's funny, actually cos for awhile there it started getting thick with dust. I started questioning a lot of things while I slept in on a sunday morning and stopped going to weekly Mass. I felt a bit spiritually dry and needed awakening. Because I had been so sick (and still have the remnants of the chest infection) I felt really weak -- and it's funny how easily we fall victim to the evil voices when we're experiencing tough times. About 4 weeks ago now, I woke up around 9am with all intention of going to Mass. Then I thought, "You're too sick, go back to sleep, Jess." and I went back to sleep. I woke up at 10am (Mass begins at 10:30am) and I faffed around for 15 minutes without coughing once. I was just walking around the house aimlessly feeling a bit cocky, "Yep, I slept in......now I'm going to waste my morning doing sweet nothing." ....and I had this sudden feeling of guilt come over me-- like, how can I expect God to be there for me if I won't even turn up every Sunday to look at him?

I got ready for church faster than I could have blinked. I sat down in my favourite pew in less than 15 minutes. (Thankfully my church is maybe a 5 min drive) right as the Mass was beginning. And I decided along the way, that I had to make a choice to start living up to my obligations and promises in order for Jesus to continue walking with me -- that He is not the one who continually turns me away and to do everything in this life possible to glorify Him and to praise only Him and to turn to only Him when things are awry.

I haven't missed Mass since. I have been heavily interested in my bible, and I have been praying about things and thinking about Him constantly and feel Him with me constantly giving me warnings each time I am about to fall to temptation.

And let me tell you, I haven't felt such sweet relief for so long. I will hopefully become more involved in church as the weeks come.

Lastly, I am feeling mostly better -- I am attending my classes again. I have a million things on. I am not going to throw my course away, I am going to trust that THIS is what Jesus wants for me and if it isn't, He will find a way to show me that eventually-- but after careful consideration, I feel He will sustain me if this is what He wants for me.

So... help me

2007-03-11T23:42:00.000+11:00

I'm going to buy a domain and have my own blog at my own server... but I can't really seem to choose a name...

i used to own
storyhero.com which was my favourite domain ever... but now its taken.

i also own
justonelung.com but i use this predominently for a collective and i dont want anyone to google me and find my blog on that domain.

i want something pretty, that encompasses my personality, be it a play on words or something like that...

i tried to get watchmefly.com but it's taken.

i want something slightly whimsical, I like disney, peter pan, neverlandish, 90s pop culture, michael jackson song lyrics, something funny, pretty, simpsons quote... oxymorons, etc.... Rent (musical)

any ideas??

other suggestions have been
thedailyjessticle.com
so-gangsta.com
yourbesthomie.com

I have been really sick in the stomach for the past few weeks but today I've finally felt so much better... Haha, I'd give more details but it's one of those ... overshare things.

Anyway, I'm gonna go back to the drawing board about this... any ideas, comment!!!

So sleepy

2007-03-03T00:27:00.000+11:00

This is possibly the latest I have been awake since I've started school. I am so ridiculously exhausted, but I want to use my weekend wisely and try to get as much done as I can before this weekend is over.

I am off to see my little gorgeous Caro on sunday. I am pleased about that. I will make a concerted effort to take some pictures of us.

I have like 4 or 5 big assignments to do, and I want to try to get at least one and a half out of the way tomorrow. I have to read a fair bit...

I feel a bit clucky after this weeks lessons. We learned a bit about pregnancy and giving birth and the way the mother's body works to accomodate her child's natural needs ... and apart from being a little grossed out at first by the look of breast milk (with chunks in it!, but that was til I found out it was only chunky cos it had been just defrosted) I thought the whole process seems so amazing and beautiful.

I really would like a family. But first, I need a husband lol. Any takers? haha.

Praise be to The Almighty

2007-02-22T14:13:00.000+11:00

Ash Wednesday Mass was beautiful. It was a beautiful and reverent service. There was plenty of time for silent reflection and prayer. I remember a lot of Mass that I went to leading up to my confirmation last year as being just a little daunting with the constant whispers in my ear telling me I was making the wrong decision and Catholicism was just "works" and not enough "faith" (LOL!) ... I followed through with it though despite what everyone else around me tried to suggest because I felt like I was being guided to the Truth.

I don't regret a single moment. In fact, I have become, over the past four or five months, very rich in faith. I am growing strong and more amazed by God every single day. I have been given the most amazing graces over the last year that one could not just put down to coincidence or fate. God is with me every single moment, I feel Him, I hear Him, and I see Him through other people's actions and other people's works... And I pray every day for God to use my voice to speak, to use my mind to help me consider and think purely and graciously, I ask Him to use my body to show me where He wants me to be, to move, to act -- and to hold my hand, to guide me and to never let me leave Him (I know it will never be Him to let go and walk away, but me, letting go of His Holy Hand and stepping off path.)

I spoke the other day of my car dying. I was upset about this, but I kind of expected it for awhile. I did however pray for a resolution to the new problem I'd been presented with (how will I get around, now?) I asked for God to do as He saw fit with my situation, to take the concern and worry from my mind and just keep me motivated and faithful that a better plan is ahead.

No joke, after Mass my Mum picked me up and we went to the mechanic to see what was going on with my car. Basically my car is ready for car heaven. He offered me $1000 for it (for parts) and then said he had been working on a different car (and showed us) and offered to take my car in return for the car he was going to sell, and I would pay him the difference of $1000. The new car is 1000x better than my car. He also offered a 6 month warranty and is going to make it 100% roadworthy. It has a nice, clean interior (man, I really should take photos of what the inside my pigstye of a car looks like! LOL! It's such a trash bag). It has air conditioning (woo!) new tyres, a 6 cd stacker (we know how much I love my music), it has power steering, it goes well on fuel, it has secure locks, an alarm, etc... There is nothing mechanically wrong with it and if we have any problems with it, he promised that he would repair it free of charge.

He is doing this because he just spent awhile repairing my car (after a different mechanic took $1100 from me to repair it, and it broke down just 2 months later) and feels terrible about it and so he's going to do this just to help out as much as he can. The reason I came to know this man was because he knocked on our door with a car problem and needed to use something from my car in order to get his going -- and I decided to help him just on face value. I decided that if the situation was reversed, I'd want someone to help me ...

So... here we are. I should have the car in about 4 days. Also I have a whole heap of data entry work coming up which should pay for a chunk of it. The rest is being advanced to me from my Mum and my stepfather.

Thank You Jesus.

Bah humbug.

2007-02-20T19:43:00.000+11:00

When bad things happen, I always avoid facing them. I pretend that they haven't happened. If it's something that I will have to inevitably face, I'll wait til the very last second to start thinking about it.

Today my car died again. I had a feeling something was wrong with it when I drove it home yesterday. It sounded funny, and tonight I felt like something from the supermarket so I got in and listened to it for a few moments and it sounded dodgy, and I drove about 200 meters down the street and the oil light started flashing and a weird smell came from under the bonnet. I pulled over immediately and called my Mum. She sent my stepfather to come and have a look, and indeedy there was a problem, a long trail of oil streaming out from beneath it. So now once again, I am without transport.

I don't want to think about it, and obviously it's inevitable since I have classes at 9am tomorrow morning. My Dad just sent me $150 to help me with some books and things for classes, but besides that I'm pretty much dirt broke. I have no money to fix the car, no money to find another car and absolutely no other options. The way the oil is streaming from my car makes me think it's probably something pretty dire.

I'm a little bit sad I guess cos everything has been going so wonderfully lately and I know that we always have these little things to test us, but this is a pretty big deal. I was so used to having my independance back, and just in the middle of saving up for insurance coverage and wahhhh. Something else that I need to spend my money on. It's just a bit depressing. I feel like I have way more than I can handle right now in terms of debt.

I guess I'll let my Mum contact the mechanic and see what he says. I need to just pray that it's nothing too huge and can be easily fixed, because I really need my transport right now. :(

God Bless,
Jess

Sunday Scribbling: Crush #47

2007-02-16T20:21:00.000+11:00

I've never been the type of girl that falls in love, falls in lust, falls in crushhood too easily. I joke about having celebrity crushes -- but even those crushes have all had so much in common. The celebrity crushes I hold consist of good-hearted, good-spirited, good-natured, caring, positive role models, possibly for myself and/or people who don't want to worship your regular Britney Spears and Paris Hiltons.

When I do feel like I have a crush on someone, I don't ever make a big deal of it. I get through it, I realise that most crushes are usually temporary and usually the fantasy is better than the reality so I leave it at that. Falling in love with someone is completely different -- when a crush blooms to love (which has only ever happened twice for me) I don't really know what to do about it. I am not the proactive kind of girl who enjoys the chase as much as the catch; I like to sit back and brood over it. I've only ever once told a boy how I felt about him, and that was met with extreme ridicule and I never ever did it again.

My ex boyfriends both made the first steps and admitted their feelings for me and I reciprocated both times. It worked well.

Quite a few years ago I met a boy, back in 2002 -- he and I shared the same interests the same everything for so long. I had a crush on him so deeply and I know he had somewhat of an interest in me, but I never knew how to act on it. He was a deeply religious guy, we used to talk on the phone for hours and hours and I convinced myself that no boy would want to chat to me for that long unless there were some kind of reciprocal feelings. I am a hopeless flirt -- I can't do it, I can't read flirting and it makes me highly uncomfortable when someone does flirt with me. He spent a lot of time with me, telling me his insecurities, his loves, his fears, his hopes and dreams and I was completely taken by him.

But, I just could never tell him how I felt. So many times I began writing a letter, so many times I began writing emails. Sometimes I even tried to bait him to know how he regarded me. Through the process of our ... friendship, might I call it ... he became even more religious, which at the time, I was sort of clinging to because I had a lot of things going on and his spiritual talks kind of comforted me in a backhanded way. (I just didn't know it at the time.) But one time he said something in regards to God that really freaked me out (which when I think about it now is laughable, cos it wasnt in the least bit scary.) and I stopped calling him as often and our conversations ceased to almost nothing.

I realised shortly after, that I really missed him. I spent a lot of time crying over him and in 2004 we were back to being friends again. I invited him to my 21st birthday party and he promised he would come. He called me on my actual birthday, and he said he was coming to my party. I hadn't seen him for a really long time and I was really holding on to it with everything. I had it all worked out in my head that I would totally be ready to tell him my feelings. He text msged me the night before asking if it was okay if he brought someone with him and I said it was. But I realised it was probably going to be a girl. I was devastated over it but kind of shrugged it off and tried to convince myself that I'd have a good time anyway and it would be nice to see him -- but then, he just never turned up.

He never apologised, never contacted me, never even told me why. I didn't hear from him again until I got back from the USA in May 2005. We talked briefly, and have sent very few text msgs since.

On my 23rd bday last year, he sent me a text... and I started thinking about him again... I called him not long after... obviously a lot of things have happened in between then and now, and I am very much over him (despite the fact that it took a really long time. I never quite forgave him for the 21st bday incident, I was a little heartbroken). I told him how I used to feel and told him how disappointed I had been in him for forgetting me and sending me pathetic txt msgs once in awhile that he didn't even respond to ("Hi how are you?" "OMG!!! SO GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU *pants like a stupid naive puppy and wags stupid tail* HOW ARE U!! I Am GOOD!!! Tell me what youve been up to!!!!" "Cool. Good to hear you are well" WHAT THE HECK MAN!!!!) .. He tells me he never had any idea but I think that's an excuse.

And so I don't bother really with silly crushes, cos you always get your feelings hurt, really -- or they are as fleeting as the giddy rush you feel when you talk to your (in)significant other. I hate the effect being in love or having a crush has on me, it's almost a loss of control and a loss of reign on your emotions and I'd prefer not to feel like that.

I'll keep my crappy celebrity boyfriends, thanks!

http://sundayscribblings.blogspot.com

Oh, Happy Day!

2007-02-15T21:56:00.000+11:00

I am really full of joy. I know that this may sound a little strange, but I want to talk about it anyway. My diary is packed, and I mean, I have no time for anything but strangely this is a really satisfying thing. For the past few years I have really been yearning to be so busy that I would not have a single moment to myself. That I would either be studying and/or working and going out with friends and keeping up to date with responsibilities. That time is finally here.

I have been at school five days a week (it's full time, 9am til 3:30pm) for the past 2 weeks. I have assignments, I have practical work to start next week where I am required to spend the day with a 2 year old little boy to play and observe and to get started on my year's major assessment. I have lots of text book readings. I have web design jobs (yes, plural!) I have paid data entry work to get started on this weekend (I was given tomorrow off since there was a mess up in my time table, yay!). I have RCIA meetings once again as of next wednesday night. I am interested in starting some new volunteer work (but I will wait for another month just until everything settles) and I've got all my weekends booked until the middle of march. (I have kept this weekend free because I may need to arrange to meet with a woman from church and help her with her computer issues and also my car need some more repairs which thankfully has been paid in advance.)

I am absolutely loving my course thusfar. We are delving in to a bit of child psych and my text book isnt nearly as dry as I expected it to be. I have started realising little things about myself and my own childhood and experiences that shaped the way I am now. I am truly thankful to God because I trusted in Him and persisted in prayer for the past year and a half for Him to continue to guide me where it was that He wanted for me to be ... and never in a million years did I expect that I would be some day working with children... but here I am. And I love it and I know I will be great at my job and I am really excited about becoming a professional. I never thought I would be so excited about this either, which is weird -- cos I'm usually not the enthusiastic kind.

And it's interesting to learn and find out that the judgement that kids make upon each other isn't at all their own, it's more directed from the things around them what they pick up from their primary influences and after looking closely at children's developmental profiles I kind of recognise that children who say nasty things don't at all ever understand the ramifications of their words... I really believe that understanding that will be able to undo some of the grudges I've kept close to me for a really long time about certain people for certain reasons.

Anyhow, I've been watching, seeing, talking about and thnking constantly about children. I'm currently reading this book called understanding children, which I am finding fascinating. I've learned a lot in such little time. I have a feeling this year is going to fly.

Another amazing thing that happend to me last night / today was that I got a couple of messages from this awesome hip/hop /R&B singer that I have really loved since I was about 14 or 15. He left me a valentines message and another few comments on something else. I was pretty darn stoked!! It made my night/morning (I say night/morning cos I saw the first msg before I went to bed and more when I woke up.). I am such a lucky & blessed girl. :D

I need to go to bed now because it's 10:30 and I am exhausted (seriously, I've turned in to such a grandma, but I know I could never function on five hrs sleep these days.)

"Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." - Matthew 19:14

My Mum.

2007-02-13T23:01:00.000+11:00

Every day my Mum makes me two sandwiches to take with me to school so I don't have to spend any money on anything at the disgusting cafe where the only healthy thing they seem to sell is salad rolls which are so much more fresh and enjoyable if you just made one at home.

Anyhow, I think it's a really sweet gesture since I don't even ask for it. :)

God Bless.

Our Lady Of Lourdes

2007-02-12T18:00:00.000+11:00

In 1858, in the grotto of Massabielle, near Lourdes in southern France, Our Lady appeared 18 times to Bernadette Soubirous, a young peasant girl.

She revealed herself as the Immaculate Conception, asked that a chapel be built on the site of the vision, and told the girl to drink from a fountain in the grotto. No fountain was to be seen, but when Bernadette dug at a spot designated by the apparition, a spring began to flow. The water from this still flowing spring has shown remarkable healing power, though it contains no curative property that science can identify.

(I wanted to post this yesterday, but unfortunately I couldn't log in!!)

I've had a nice weekend. On Sunday I went to a beautiful Mass. You know when there are just some services where you walk out feeling really fulfilled? This weeks Mass was that for me. I was early for once (I'm not usually late, but I normally sit just before Mass begins -- but this week I was almost 25 minutes early) so I had plenty of time for reflection and prayer. Afterwards I met a nice man who introduced himself. We got talking briefly and decided we'd talk more soon. He is a former Jehovah's Witness who is eager to learn more about Catholicism, attend Mass and maybe go through the RCIA program.

After Mass, a lady from my congregation wondered if I could help her learn to use Email and the internet since she is 78 and was having some problems remembering what to do. Despite the fact that I had a lot to do, I figured it would be nice for us both to get together and so I opted to drive over after Mass and help her out. I intended on staying for just an hour or so, but I didn't end up getting home until almost 5:30pm. I didn't really mind at all, she's very sweet and very typically old. She is the second person that I met from my church congregation and has really gone out of her way to help me in every way that she can, so I really felt like it would do me no harm to extend some help.

After I showed her as best as I could how to send emails, she wanted to show me photographs and magazines and things and relayed stories of her Pilgramages through Europe and it was very interesting actually. She showed me a couple of recent brochures about Pilgramage trips and how they work and it left me with a huge, "hmmm" feeling. It might be something I could consider in the future. So many beautiful places to visit.

I kind of punked out on asking my Dad for some financial help because... I hate asking for starters, and secondly, I know my Dad isn't in the best financial position at the moment. I basically just need help paying for my text books, but thankfully, my friend gave me some data entry work that will make me some money ASAP and I have that aforementioned web design job coming up. I am really all over the place financially at the moment, but I'll pray for something to come my way.

Also, gosh, although I'm very organised, I am so bad with time management. Like, chronically bad. I find it so easy to procrastinate even the simplest things. I have had so much to do this weekend like I said. I needed to do some reading of the textbook that I did manage to buy and I needed to clean and do laundry, and start some of this data entry. I needed to update a website that I haven't really spent a lot of time on for a bit. I also really wanted to make some time to do some of my own leisure reading -- and I got the majority of it finished late this afternoon, but there's still the reading, and the data entry that needs to be done.

I need to find the kind of peace where I can't be distracted. And you know, I'm not at all the busiest person at all, I just know how to waste time very, very well. Does anyone have any tips for me as to how to get around being so distracted and procrastinating?? It will be the end of me as I know it! haha.

P.S The Guy Sebastian concert at Crown Casino last weekend was absolutely amazing! I had the greatest time all weekend.

Until later,
God Bless!

Whatcha gon' dewww...

2007-02-07T18:25:00.000+11:00

I have prayed a lot over the past few months for motivation, for the ability to be able to leap out of my bed and having something to feel good about. Over Christmas I spent some time with my Dad and my extended family all of whom I haven't seen in years. I was anxious about spending time with my family because they'd want to know what I'd been doing, what I was planning to do and would look down on me if I came up with nothing. Or at least, that's how I felt.

It took an incident between me and a friend of my father's to reinforce that nobody blames me for what was and has been taking place in my life. I had been talking with my Dads partner and my step sister about my future plans when the friend jumped in and looked me up and down with disgust and told me that there was 'nothing wrong' with me. This friend doesn't know me, really from a fly on the wall. She doesn't know about my medical situation and she doesn't know anything about my history (which a lot of it is even safe-guarded from my parents) with anxiety and so on. Even if she did, it was certainly not her place to lay down judgement. I had been so shocked by it and not only that but a scathing comment that followed as she got up and left the room. I was so hurt and appalled and not to mention discouraged that I must have spent the whole afternoon sobbing in my room at my Dads. I was scared to tell him what happened cause I felt like just maybe he'd agree with her.

The next morning my Dad and I went for a drive and I couldn't hold it in, I burst in to tears and told him everything. I told him what she had said, what I felt people were thinking or would think. I told him how I felt about myself and how much and how hard I was trying to change that view, but I needed the encouragement and the gentle push, not someone judging me who most certainly had no idea. We talked for a long time about it and he just assured me that he knew I was going to be fine, I would find myself in due time, and that he was always behind me no matter what -- that whatever anyone else thought or said mattered not at all.

Then what happened was relayed to my grandmother and my aunt and after 3 days of staying with my Dad, I spent the time at my aunts holiday house with my cousins, uncle and grandma. We all had a good talk, and I realised that no one else besides the friend held that opinion of me at all -- that whatever she said was said because she was obviously trying to draw out my flaws to cover her own. The experience was a huge revelation to me because I realized I have so many people pulling out for me, who care about me so intensely and want to see me get ahead. I expected so long for someone to just get me there -- but I could only really do it myself. Knowing that everyone is behind me, friends, family, church, God -- It's so much easier to find the motivation to wake up every day with a feeling of, "I can do this."

I am doing things now, small to some, that I never thought I would find the energy or the ability to do. Every day I exercise for an hour on an exercise bike, I haven't eaten "junk" food since Christmas, really. (I have my moments, I'm not like healthfreakd up or anything). I don't remember how long it's been since I picked up a glass or can of coke. My skin is so clear right now (I know, I know, can you believe it??) I feel motivated. I don't get the feeling where I want to crawl back to bed right after I wake up and hide away from the world. I'm also slowly but surely getting my web design portfolio together. Recently I've had an influx of professional jobs that I've been working on (3 in the past 3 months) and my friend put me on to yet another one last week, so later in the year hopefully I will be able to get more of a business underway to help out around the sides.

I don't even feel as anxious socially. I'm still not ridiculously social, but I don't feel like vomiting all over myself each time I enter an overtly social or crowded environment. I've rekindled friendships that I let stray. I make all the time in the world for God, something that I previously found difficult to do....

And basically I'm happy and I don't doubt for one second that it's all to do with the fact that I've really put all my trust and faith in God. In the end, He's always there for me to see me through.

Tonight I was actually supposed to restart back at some RCIA meetings, just to be involved in something on wednesday nights, but I'm so tired and I don't think I can do it this week, but next week I'll be there with bells on. :)

I am off now to get ready for yet another day tomorrow. I forsee a regular sleeping pattern coming soon.

Thank God.

I'm going to shine. :)

2007-02-05T14:27:00.000+11:00

Hi there out there in bloggerworld...

I think I finally got all my stuff sorted out with blogger. I converted to a new template to see if that has anything to do with my issues here. We'll soon find out, I guess!

So here's whats been going on in my world -- it's been so long since I've given a proper update. Firstly... I have been so blessed over the past few months and praise God that under his close and complete direction and guidance I have been taking a lot of the right paths and choices and that have ultimately steered me in the exact spot that I wanted to be in for years.

I was accepted in to a course 2 weeks ago that I applied for early in December. I was given the impression that my acceptance would be sheer luck because I didn't apply in the appropriate way (I was confused and called for help so the coordinator invited me in for an interview after I told her just how serious I was about getting in) ... but I found out that I was accepted after a really difficult (imo!) interview ... furthermore, I was told the other day that they knew they were going to accept me in to the course before I even left. Praise God, man... It was something that I prayed hard about, asking for His help in guiding me and making it all happen if it was His will.

Basically it's a study of Early Childhood, from ages 6mths to 6 years old (I think), the course outcomes will provide me with the qualification to be a daycare teacher, to care for younger children, to work for family services or to go on further to become a primary school teacher. I am still unsure of which path I'll take but today I got my full year time table which is great because I can know exactly what I'm doing, when I'm doing it. It is easier for me to plan my year, to try to get work and all of that stuff.

Earlier I mentioned that I won a trip to Sydney late last year and so last week was that trip. It was fantastic. I had heaps of fun. Originally my Mum was supposed to come, but she decided at the last minute that she didn't want to (which messed me around majorly, thanks Mum.) so instead I asked another friend and we had a really good time. Although the concert was fun, I think the actual stay in Sydney, hanging about in the city and bumming around our hotel room laughing at how we'd been messed around the whole trip... it was fun. Lots of funny things happened which I think will probably last as private jokes for a long time. Including, spotting a certain winner of a certain reality tv show boasting about how he would be swimming in a "sea of panties" to a friend... *rolls eyes* ... and funnily enough... he was mostly unapproached all night hahaha.

So everything is great. I mentioned some months ago some things that were going on with my family such as my Dads gf having cancer, my brothers problems and such -- but both issues have been completely resolved, Praise God. My brother is doing so much better, I am so happy about that because it was causing my whole family a lot of stress. I have to keep praying about that though, it's something that will affect him long term if he doesn't keep his socks pulled up so to speak. My Dads gf has been given the all clear. This took a double amount of stress from his shoulders and so Christmas and after went smoothly. My Dad just turned 50 this weekend. I spoke to him kind of briefly but he seemed so happy :) We talked about my course and I don't know when it was that my Dad was this happy with me and proud of me... I really feel like (although I am excited and hugely interested in this course) I am doing a lot of this for him and for the Glory of God... I want both my Dads to be proud and happy with my good work, everything that I do, I owe to them both.

I just realised over the past few weeks that I have some really, really amazing and encourging people in my life. It's sometimes easy to get caught up when you don't sit back and take stock now and then, but I had this ultimate moment over the weekend after the kindness of a good few people (the least likely, I might add) where I just was like, "Wow... I am so inspired!" ... I know that sounds so corny, but it's true... I came home Early sunday morning (after being to a concert at crown casino that night) thinking... no, knowing that I have a lot of people who have really pulled out for me... Who have helped me along and encouraged me when I felt like my life was kind of futile.

There's one person in particular who just believes in me whole-heartedly no matter what I do, no matter how I feel, who always always always manages to make me feel so worthy. While some people extend encouragement but have reservation and interior doubts, this person I know wholeheartedly BELIEVES that I can achieve and be anything I want to. And indeed, this time I will shine.

I start classes on wednesday. I will be back to blogging here as normal, hopefully!!! So please keep checking back and I will be back to business keeping updated on all your blogs and ongoings!!!

Lastly, a very close family friend of ours was just diagnosed with breast cancer. My dad tells me its really bad and her outlook isnt that great, she has to have a full masectomy -- this is quite a shock to everyone... I've been praying about this since I've found out now, but I especially would like to ask you all who read this to extend your prayers and thoughts to her and her wonderful family.

The Lord is close to all who call on him, yes, to all who call
on Him sincerely. - Psalm 145:18

Blogger issues

2007-01-21T20:51:00.000+11:00

I've tried to update this so many times, but I have logging in issues.

My Mum is buying a web hosting package for her business, and so I'm going to bum some space off of her and have an independant blogging site because this is so ridiculous.

I can't even comment on anyones blogs unless I try fifty thousand times to log in. The logins always time out and stuff. I thought it may have just been my pc, but it does the same thing on my Mums.

DARN YOU BLOGGER BETA!!!!!!!!!!!!

... Anyway, you'll be hearing from me, some time soon. I would use my jol.com domain but I'm keeping that for my collective and portfolio ... and I'd rather not have people access it with some of my more personal info on it.

So anyway, as soon as I get it all up and running I'll be sure to inform you all. (Also this way I can track the IPs to prevent further harrassment of the gutless twit who keeps posting under an anon name.)

Please know that I'm thinking of you all :)

BBS!

xoxox
God Bless!

Yeah, here's a substantial entry

2007-01-12T17:03:00.000+11:00

So I got back on January 4. I was apparently supposed to be staying longer in Sydney and staying less time with my father, but as it turned out (as usual) planning went a bit pear-shaped. I was supposed to leave my Dad's around the 30th of December and spend the New Year with Penny, but she got sick, but actually, I was having such a great time with family, that I couldn't really bring myself to leave yet. So I stayed longer until New Years Day.

I went to Valan's and spent the night at her house, then with Louise one night and then until I left I stayed with Penny. I got sick on New Years day (what a way to start the new year lol) and ended up doing really nothing with Penny and Louise except sleeping and watching movies. I missed out on catching up with most of my friends except the three above because of time constraints. I really expected to stay longer, but my Mum offered to drive up to pick me up from Sydney (also because Louise was planning on coming back) and she had to work on the 5th, so it was either go or spend $120 on a plane trip... and well, we're trying to save money here!

I'm just recovering from the illness now, it wasn't anything serious, but I can't shake the man voice lol.

I took Louise to the airport this morning, she went home. It felt like she had been here for so much longer than she was. We had such a good time (well I did, I hope she did too) we went to see in Pursuit of Happyness with Will Smith last night and it was brilliant. I loved it, but I did cry like a baby through most of it. I have a soft spot for Will Smith. The movie was really good, I can't believe what an awesome little actor his son is (who plays his son in the actual movie) ... it was really heartbreaking. My only complaint was that during the movie this woman kept turning to stare at me each time I coughed or cleared my throat (and it wasn't very often! and I kept my mouth covered!) ... I wanted to turn around and say, "Oh, I'm terribly sorry, is the fact that I have a slight little cough impeding on your movie, which by the way, is so loud that it drowns me out?"

People are so rude. If I was having major coughing fits right in her ear, I could understand. At one point, I almost turned and asked her what her g-o was... It's like I have a sign on my head that says, "glare at me, I deserve it!" ... on the train home from taking Louise back today these two old women kept staring too. It makes me feel unsettled lol.

Anyway, I'll be back with regular updates.
xox

Hey everyone, I'm home

2007-01-09T23:41:00.000+11:00

I'm back!!!

I had the most awesome Christmas and New Year and now I am home in Victoria, but I have a friend here with me from Sydney until friday. I won't write a proper update until then, but I have lots of pictures and nice things to share. For now I will leave you with a simple picture of my good buddy, Louise and I.

:) Thanks everyone for your lovely comments. I will read and catch up with your blogs as soon as the week is over!! Also a special thanks to annonymous who never fails to keep me uplifted with her beautiful and encouraging comments! ... :P

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

2006-12-20T22:50:00.000+11:00

Hi everybody.

I know it's been a bit since I last blogged but heaps has gone one. I have to be up in about 4 and a half hours because I have a plane to catch, but I'll give you all a really quick update.

I applied to an early childhood course and had an interview yesterday and I am praying that I get accepted. I think it went very well. I will find out after January 15 if I am accepted. Please help me lift my petition to the Almighty Father through prayer.
I went for a job interview. Fingers crossed there too, it went well but I think there were a lot of applicants.
My car is once again dead. If I get this job I may be able to get a new one. More prayer.
I am off to Sydney tomorrow morning. I will spend the day with my very best friend and I will spend the night at her mother's house before going straight up to my Dads to spend the Christmas with my Dad and my extended family. I am very excited about it.

I really want everyone to have a great Christmas and please, please put a lot of thought in to the real meaning and be careful not to get too caught up in the commercial part of it. Be reflective, be joyful and enjoy the celebration of the birth of our Beloved Savior, Jesus Christ.

Regarding the other holiday celebrations, please be safe if you're driving or traveling. If you're going to be drinking, please do it responsibly.

I hope all of you, my gorgeous bloggy friends, have such a wonderful and happy New Year filled with many joyful blessings.

I won't be online until I get back around January 5. If you need to contact me, please do so by email. I won't have any internet, but I may just be able to get connected or get someone to check for me.

God Bless,

Love always,
Jess

A conversation

2006-12-14T02:05:00.000+11:00

Here is an exerpt of a strange conversation I had with someone I know about Jesus. She says she is a pentecostal Christian, but when I questioned her about her spite, she replied that "everyone else did it." I pointed out that perhaps she should make a better example and that just cos other people sin, doesn't make it okay for her to do it too. It was mostly about someone I had busted a bunch of people talking nastily about... She said that she didn't agree with everything her church said (anti-gay etc) I tried to approach it kindly, but it digressed in some kind of quasi-debate... and... it turned strange and I'm trying to understand, but I just don't really get it.

Her: no body's perfect.....not even Jesus and that's what i heard at my CHRUCH
Me: judging homosexuals and teaching that jesus wasnt perfect. So does that mean He wasn't free from Sin?
Me: where did they get that from? lol.
Her: they said he did things and repented which most christians do
Me: i mean like, how did they get that info... (im seriously just wondering)
Her: i wish you wouldn't mock my chruch
Me: im not mocking it ... id really like to know how on earth they got the info that jesus was a sinner and repented
Her: each faith is different and i don't like to judge other faiths (But yet it's okay for her to say nasty things about someone else when the person isn't there to defend themselves.)
Me: how come youre not answering my question about where they got that info from
Her: the pastors don't tell me...so i don't know
Her: well i need to go to bed....my chruch is my chuch and i believe what i believe so can't we just leave it at that
Me: rightio, goodnight
Her: i thoght Catholics weren't meant to judge either...but oh well
Me: I'm not judging, I'm asking you to help me find the teaching.

... strange.

Thanks for wasting my time.

2006-12-09T00:21:00.000+11:00

After trying to contact this disability support organisation for the past 2 weeks, including 6 phone calls and 2 visits in to the office (I was promised more than 6 times they would call me back and not once did they honour that promise) and managing finally to speak to someone who actually was at her job for the real purpose (helping people like me), I was directed to file a formal complaint to senior staff. Excellent.

I filed the complaint. Less than 24 hours later someone from snr staff called me back. He called the office in which the ridiculous assessment was made, and they were on the phone to me less than a hour later. It seems that my trip to Sydney was futile because they decided to cover up their pathetic lie about communicating with my doctor (never happened) by telling me that that letter got to me by sheer accident and that they were never intending to cut my financial assistence. I'm sorry, how on earth does a letter with my name, address and customer reference number and previous income details get accidentally mailed to me with a lie attached and a ridiculous assessment outcome?

I am just ever so grateful, Praise God, that I finally got subjected to two employees who actually cared about my situation enough to ensure that it was all smoothed out for the sake of alleviating my stress. I took both of their names and employee receipt numbers so I can call back customer service feed back to compliment those staff members. If it weren't for them I'd still be chasing this crap up.

In other news, I got a ticket to Guy Sebastian's Melbourne concert today thanks to one of my lovely friends. :) That's not 'til February next year though.

Also... I've been reading about Stigmatics and Pope John Paul II and I'm absolutely intrigued by both... Although confused, slightly about Stigmatics -- why does this occur and I don't understand why Jesus would want to make His faithful followers endure what He went through? I'm probably completely looking at this from the wrong angle, so please feel free to correct me... Is it a blessing to be a stigmatic? A few websites I read referred to them as "victims", but others, "blessed" ... I'm confused.

As for Pope John Paul II ... wow, what an amazing man. I already knew he was amazing, but ... reading about his life sure gave me a new appreciation. I didn't know he was so into theatre and he went through such family tragedies and of course, lived through war-torn Poland.... He's just such an amazing inspiration.

I moved my DVD player and VCRs out of my room so that I would be less distracted from reading the bible and my other things that I have procrastinated for so long.

I was invited to a Healing Mass on wednesday and I completely forgot all about it. I really wish I had of went along. I suppose there is always next time. Anyway, it's way too late for me. I'm off to bed.

Goodnight.

To the left, to the left...

2006-12-07T22:24:00.000+11:00

On Sunday night I registered on a radio station website to win 2 tickets to this concert that has Guy Sebastian and Damien Leith in it in Sydney (to be honest, I couldnt really give a hoot about the other singers who are going to be there, young divas, callea, Shannon Noll, etc) and it would be an all expenses paid trip to Sydney including, flights, meals and accomodation at Star City in Darling Harbour (and btw, I LOVE Star City, it's the coolest place! Almost as cool as Crown Casino) ...

And so imagine my surprise when FoxFM called me on Monday morning telling me that I'd won 3 cds just for registering and put me in the running to win the major prize. So every hour they called one person to put them in the running and around about 3pm on Monday afternoon they were going to pick who got to go to Sydney. I thought it was a bit funny cos I was just thinking when I registered, why bother, I've never won anything in my life... lol. And so I was pretty stoked to just win the cds -- (Evanescence, Jamiroquai and some compilation album) the DJ told me that promotions team would call me later in the afternoon to get my details to send the cds...

So around about 4pm my phone rang again and I answered it, for a moment I thought, "omg have I won?!" but the man on the end sounded really bored (too bored to be on air) and said he was from FOXfm, and asked how my day had been and what I'd been up to -- then asked if I was having a decent day, and I said "yeah it's been okay." or something like that, and he said; "Well it's about to get better cos you've just won the trip to Sydney!!!!!!!!!!"

It was really exciting because I was already really happy about the cds, but winning a full trip to Sydney!??? Mann!!! How amazing. I know I go to Sydney all the time, and in fact, I am going in like 2 weeks time -- but that's not the point! This is free, and it's at a swanky hotel and I get to have an expensive breakfast, to see an awesome show and all of that -- and I get to take a friend.

Well... choosing the friend part was way too hard. I have heaps of really close friends who are fans of Guy, and so I'm taking my Mum. Fox FM called today to get my details and stuff, and so now it's all confirmed. I'm going to Sydney in late January for this awesome free trip.

:P

Christmas & the like...

2006-12-02T23:46:00.000+11:00

Wow, it's been almost a year since I opened this journal... how the time has flown -- and unfortunately my life still isn't much different. But besides that...

I went Christmas shopping yesterday to buy some gifts for my family and a couple of my friends. I normally like to spend a lot on the people that I care about, but ... this year I have the possible impending doom that I may not have any money after the break -- so I'm trying to spend wisely. Finding something special that I know said family or friends will love or making something that I hope they will love.

I decided just to buy my Dad some cooking stuff since he loves to cook -- and also a book that I heard him mention on tuesday night.

I got my Dads girlfriend something for the kitchen and a really pretty pair of earrings.

I got my Mum a pair of earrings, and will buy her something else but I'm not sure what else.

I bought my stepdad a novelty sized box of maltesers and want to get him a book light so he wont annoy my Mum by keeping her up with the lamp every night.

I will buy my neice a Guy Sebastian or Young Divas cd. I haven't decided which one.

I am going to frame a really gorgeous photo of my Grandmother and I at my brothers wedding for her gift and some scented candles.

I bought Valan -- hahaha... yeah right Val, as if I'm going to write it here :P

I am making Penny a "box of me" we had a joke a long time ago that I would make a box from paper mache and paste pics of myself all over it and put inside of it, things all about myself. I joked with Mum that I would make a cd of all my favourite songs -- me singing them!! haha. We also have this joke that we have a pet/friend called Phlegmy that I hoicked up and kept in a vile from when I was sick. Phlegmy has a top hat, a pipe and tips his hat in agreeance when he likes what we are saying and uses words like "touche" and "magnifiscent". I haven't figured out a way to create a real phlegmy, but I will! I'm also going to give her Paris Hilton's album (as a joke).

I bought gifts for my 6 yr old cousin and 6 yr old neice Brianna & Charley earlier this year. A bunch of Mr. Men books and stuffed teddy bears. I love giving kids books. I wanted to give them "Where The Wild Things Are" which was my favourite childhood book, but then I figured that it's gonna be a movie soon -- so why bother?

I have a 13 year old boy to buy for. Any ideas?! I thought of just giving him money ... I decided I will make some earrings and a necklace for my 16 yr old cousin. I haven't seen her in years, and I figured it'd be the most simple thing to do -- I also bought some candles for her as well. I hope she'll like them anyway.

I dunno what to buy for my brother and his wife, but I'm sure I'll come up with something. I have a couple of other friends that I want to buy something for, but I already mostly have an idea of what I want to get them (if I haven't got it already) so I'll see what happens.

Since I am going to be spending from the 23rd til just before New Year with my Dad and none of that time with my Mum, I felt horrible... because my Mum will be spending Xmas alone since my stepdad always shoots off to his parent's house and leaves my Mum at home (family issues w/ my Mum) and she can't go to her sister's because of work on Boxing day... I suggested to my Mum that maybe around the 18th, we should do an Early Xmas. We should set up a real tree, do the decos, have an Xmas dinner, sit around stuffing our face, and watch Xmas movies... She seemed to really like the idea so maybe we'll do it next week.

I am looking very forward to going to my Dads new place. He lives about a 5 minute walk from the beach now and I love the beach. It has been so hot in Sydney and I can't wait to go swimming every single day. I was at his house last September and I was swimming then. In contrast, where I am living now is absolutely freezing still. We had the heater on today and it's the second day of summer. Pathetic.

I am also looking so forward to spending time with my friends and my cousins. I can't wait to take photos and hang out and even take video. It'll be heaps of fun.

Anyway, rambled on enough here. I'm going to make a concerted effort to get to church tomorrow. I realised today how long it's been since I've gone to Mass and how it's actually adversely affected my life. I deserve to be kicked up the butt. I stopped going to my weekly church group too, but that's because the group finished for now (sad :() ... I've had other things go on that's made me take a step back as well, but there's no excuse. At the end of the day, I love Jesus, I want to follow his example, I want to be a good person, I want to sin less and I want to know His Word backward and forward... And I want to receive the Eucharist as often as possible ... and it's not happening from my bedroom.

No wonder God hates laziness.

a blog before bed

2006-11-29T23:36:00.000+11:00

I just wanted to say that I'm back from Sydney. It was possibly the shortest trip ever. We arrived late sunday night. I fell asleep as immediate as arriving at my aunts. I ate a quick chinese dinner with my Mum at our favourite chinese restaurant and whinged with her about the "progress" that west Sydney is making (It's looking like such a dive these days, seriously. Worse than before.) I saw my brother on monday night and the least said about that the better.

I will say this. I have completely given up trying to understand him or trying to fit myself in to his life, or forcing myself in to his heart. I am also devastated for my Mum who he treats as if isn't even his mother. I'm dissappointed with him as a person. I can't believe the crap he's put everyone through and I'm just tired of hoping and praying for things to change.

Anyway, I started feeling sick on monday during the day, so I ended up sleeping most of the afternoon until I went to the brothers place. I had expected to stay at least til saturday (hoped anyway) so I could see more of my friends, but Mum got a call on monday saying she had to work wednesday. Tuesday I had to see my G.P because of all the afforementioned reasons.

I got in to big trouble from my GP for not seeing any specialists in the past 24 months. (Yes, I grew really careless last yr and the yr before. My only defense is that they were both really stressful and upsetting yrs and I didn't want any extra upset which specialists always seem to cause) so basically, I got a lecture, got told to pull my socks up if I want to keep my health in check. And I got referred to a new cardiologist, respirtory physician, uerologist, gastrologist and finally, praise God, this VERY RELIABLE AND TRUSTED GP THAT IVE HAD FOR 23 YEARS gave me some REAL antibiotics for my skin. Normally I am against taking antibiotics willy nilly but I have tried everything on my face and I'm really scared of scarring. I have enough scars on my friggin body, I don't want them on my face too and so I am so excited to go and start the course of antibiotics and see how I go.

I know that when I was taking antibiotics back in september for my virus my face cleared right up. So, hopefully this will work the same. Meanwhile she also gave me a topical antibiotic (eryacne) so hopefully both will work great together. Heres to a clean face. She also wrote out a 5 paged letter very clearly stating all my illnesses and what the long term effects are and how it will continue to affect my life in the short-term. I hope it will help with everything.

Tuesday I had to have a few tests and stuff and felt even crappier and realised I'm coming down with something. Dad surprised me by calling me on Tuesday afternoon announcing he was in Sydney, so I had Louise pick me up on her way home from work and take me to see my Dad for an hour. Penny, my bestfriend was supposed to take wednesday off work to hang out with her and her mum, but since my trip was cut short, we agreed to go out to dinner at the spur of the moment and Louise came as well. It was a quick night but a really nice night. I enjoyed seeing my Dad so much cos I haven't seen him since early July.

Louise and I took silly pics and had fun like the old times. I just sucked badly at communicating and didn't have really any time to prepare to see anyone like Dorinny who I owe a huge apology to. :( And also, it would have been really nice to catch up with Alynda once again, but I kind of did take it to account that I would be back at the end of the month and would be staying til after New Year (omg! I am going to miss my dog so much) so I could catch up with everyone then. I did consider staying an extra month but right now I am trying to save everything I can and when I woke up this morning I was so sick and just wanted to come home to bed.

So now I have the flu again. I'm not even upset or annoyed by it, I just kind of find it really funny. Ah well. I'm glad to be home again in a way because I love sleeping in my own bed and being in the privacy of my own room. I have heaps of things to do tomorrow tho, so I hope I'm not too sick.

Anyway, I'm going to bed now.

Priests Rape Boys.

2006-11-25T23:33:00.000+11:00

O rly?

So, the same disgusting baptist organisation that brings us http://www.godhatesfags.com also bring to us this lovely new website.

http://priestsrapeboys.com

Here's a fine little exerpt;

'Priests rape boys' is an air-tight, three word case against the Catholic church. The Catholic Church is the largest, most well-funded and organized pedophile group in the history of man! (mainpage)

The Baptist preachers preach that "God loves the sinner, but hates the sin." None of these preachers preach against the monstrous sin of the Catholic Church, and none of these churches separates themselves from the company of the Catholics nor warns them about their sin, and are thereby irreversibly and without exception bound for hell! 'Priests rape boys' is indeed an air-tight, three word case against all of the mainline 'christian' churches - their preachers and members, without exception. They are all going to hell! (http://www.priestsrapeboys.com/Page.html)

Wow, and these so called Christians are promoting so much hate, and judgment toward everyone that doesn't belong to their church, are telling us, as faithful followers of Jesus Christ, that we shall "smell the brimstone" and will be condemned to hell ... Would it be right to call this blasphemy?

I'm so disgusted.

Some other links you may be interested in. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQ24gX_dtpE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-in16plR9Jk

I'm shocked that people like this actually exist. I believe in my God as the one and only God, but I also believe in respectful tolerance. This doesn't neccesarily mean I have to accept someone elses views, but it does mean that I have to tolerate them and allow my friends, my family, people I deal with day-to-day the respect to live their life the way they have chosen as long as they do the same with me.

These people are just ... retarded. There are no other words...

Anyway, I'm going to bed. Leaving for Sydney at 5am. If you're one of my friends and you're in Sydney just know that I have no credit on my mobile and no money (thanks Aus gov!) to buy any, so if you want to see me (I don't know how long I'm staying, probably 3-4 days max) give me a call. I'm staying at my Aunts house and I don't have a car and couldn't really care to do public transport, so if you feel like you want to see me you'd have to do the driving. Sowwieee.

Louise and I have made some plans to do Thai (eat it, that is) and take lots of photos! Shadi and I have decided we will be catching up at some point... but I don't know when. Maybe tomorrow night when I arrive and maybe I'll stay a night at my brother's house to see my neice and see how things are going with them.

I'll update this probably when I get back :D xoxox

Victimisation.

2006-11-23T15:51:00.000+11:00

Let me share something with you all. And especially to you.

In primary school I wanted to be 'normal' like my 'normal' good healthed friends, so I tried out for the school soccer team, the tee-ball team, the softball team, the friggin girls cricket team and I didn't make it for any of the teams because I was a little too slow, I got too puffed out, because oh thats right, half of my respiritory system is missing. Meanwhile, the blind girl in my class had an instant advantage and was a part of every single sporting team. She had advantages by everyone on the team accomodating her including the teachers. She was hideous at sport, worse than I was, but she was given a go because if they didn't give her a turn it would be descrimination. Sporting would have done me the world of good since it was imperative to my health to stay fit and keep active.

I got teased mercilessly thru primary school and it turned physical in highschool and after three different highschools I became so frightened of people that I actually quit. Do you think the visibly disabled children got teased? Do you think anyone tolerated it when they were teased? No. Why? Because it's socially unacceptable to make fun of someone who drools, who can't walk, talk, see, think, or hear for themselves. But it's okay to tease the kid who's less than 5ft tall without too much of a physical disability.

And to the people who went to school with me, it might have been a bit funny and something that they saw happen and never really gave a second thought to, because they weren't on the receiving end -- but let me just be blunt. There were times where I didn't have any clue what I had done to deserve that treatment. I was often suicidal as young as 13 years old because of the absolute bullshit that people said and did to me because of this invisible disability that they could only see affecting me when it came to sports time. And then of course, there were things going on with my health that I couldn't even begin to fathom. Months off school, things that other kids would have never understood, but I got thru it. I'd like to say unscathed, but mental scars are the worst.

I quit school before my 15th birthday. And I became sociophobic to the most ridiculous degree. As an adult, I forget how easy it was for me to want to die much more than I wanted to face anyone. I felt as a result of all of those things, that I was nothing to anyone. I was nothing to society, I was a degenerate who wasn't worthy of being in the company of others and I hated leaving the house. And my friends who read this (who know me in real life) may think I'm being over dramatic, but the only friend I had during those times was Louise, so no one would have any idea how drastic it was.

So basically, I dealt with a whole world of bullshit. That's not to say people don't go thru their own crap, and not to say that I've been so hard done by blahblahblah ... because I hate victimising myself. I know there are so many worse off -- however. I honestly believed that after I left school, I could leave that treatment behind me. That adults outside the school environment would never ever descriminate against me the way some of my teachers had. Wrong. It followed me in to the workplace to two particular jobs.

Then today, I received a letter in the mail from a disability support organisation saying that they are cancelling any further dealings with me as of the 30th of december after a psychiatric evaluation. I am absolutely gutted. They are supposed to help me find work. I can work, I'mnot retarded, I do understand that. I went to them, the right way, rather than cheating the system as most people do. I asked for job seek help. They wanted to assess my disability by sending me to a psychiatrist. This was over a month ago. I had my Mum come with me, because those kinds of things are a little overwhelming when it comes to trying to explain my conditions. We explained that while yes, I could work 15-20 hrs a week, it would be very subjective. I i.e I would need to work in an office, or something that requires no labour. For instance, if I got a job at a supermarket, I wouldnt be able to work for more than 3 hours a day standing up because of my spinal problems. I am also since suffering from major fluid retention in my right leg from spending too long sitting. This also screws over the sitting job.

Basically, my conditions are complete and legitimately valid of this disability support. My GP of 23 years has been a testament to that on two occasions. She has written my illness as deteriorating -- which means over the course of the next few years it will probably get worse. I can't even walk down our 5 steps to the mailbox and back without having half a freakin' heart-attack. I am at a reasonable weight, so I know its not fitness problems. I have respirtory dysfunction so why on earth is that not classified as a disability?

I know so many people who get jobs on the side, paid cash without reporting it to the government and still get support -- yet, I've tried my best to do this the right way and somehow this moron psychiatrist decided that I am perfectly fit to work for 30 or more hours a week. I have no frigging clue how she got to that conclusion. I work for a charity organisation for 10 hours a week (sometimes longer, but no more than 15 hrs) just because I don't want to be labeled as a "taker" -- and because I want to give something back. I'm trying my hardest to get ahead now, to try to do things the right way to get my life on bloody track and they are penalising me for it.

If I didn't go in to organise this job seeker thing, I would still have my disability support and no one would be the wiser, but because I was trying to do it right, they've taken it all. I've contacted my GP in Sydney who they were supposed to contact before making a final decision and they did not at all contact her. So how the friggin hell did that woman come to her conclusion? She isn't a Dr. She didn't send me for a medical. She has had no interraction with my Drs at all, so how can she be authorised to make that call?

Basically, I suffer from the following.
Spinal bifida, Scoliosis, Cardio pulminary hypertension, Hypoplastic left heart syndrome, hyperplasia left heart, portal hypertension, absent left lung, absent left kidney, spastic neurogenic storage bladder, low immune system result of spleen issues that are left unspecified to date ....and so apparently I'm not disabled in any form because, why? I'm not blind, deaf or dumb or have my head sunken in to my shoulder drooling? I hate to sound crass, but that's the way it feels.

And if that's the case, then why did she appoint me to see a disability support liason officer?! How hypocritical. I filed a complaint and an appeal and the psychiatrist is supposed to get back to me within 72 hrs. When she does call me, I will ask her how the "phonecall" went with my GP (as her parting words with me after the appointment were, "I'll get in contact with your GP and we'll go from there."), and when she tells me she didn't contact her, I will ask her under what grounds she made her decision.

When my Mum spoke with my GP she said it was utter descrimination as there was absolutely no communication with her and people have disability support all the time even when they are asthmatics or suffer bloody migraines.

I do feel victimised whether or not I have the right to. It feels like all of my life people have been able to get away with treating me like a piece of shit because my disability is invisible. (Unless you want to count those jerks who went around calling me "no-neck" for the first 14 years of my life. Thanks! You did wonders for my adulthood self-esteem, assholes.) It is so hard to find a job where I am. I have been offered to go on a different sort of support but the money that they will give me won't even cover the rent that i have to pay to my parents on a weekly basis. Do they expect my Mum to support me at 23 years old?

I'm absolutely appalled especially since I see people who milk the system for every single thing that it's worth.

So I'm going to Sydney on sunday to go and see my GP on tuesday and have a full medical and a full written medical statement to attest to the fact that I am physically unfit to work for more than 15 hrs a week unless it is a subjective job.

I've spent the afternoon stressing ridiculously about this, because it really leaves me ina worse off position. I have been so stressed about money for the past few months, but this is the worst time of the year to leave me hanging. I have car insurance, car repairs, a small loan to finish paying, debts just keep friggin coming and I've never been more serious about trying to find suitable employment -- and I just feel like it's been thrown back in my freaking face.

So yeah, I'm back.

This is it...

2006-11-14T18:35:00.000+11:00

I think I'm gonna take a break... I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not...

I'm tired of trying... I'm tired of making the effort and censoring myself because of what a certain couple of morons (and you know exactly who you are) may think upon reading this site. I don't want them to know anything about me. And I certainly can't talk about the things that I want to, knowing that certain people are reading this.

So anyway... I might just leave this journal until my mood changes or my mind changes, as it always does like clock work...

Until then, email me if you want to (soakmesuper at gmail dot com)

Or add me to msn or something.

Bye.

This just in....

2006-11-12T20:35:00.000+11:00

Louise and I have just made a binding pact that if Dean Geyer from Australian Idol 4 wins the show, we will commit a double suicide.

If Damien Leith doesn't win, there will be absolute hell to pay! *shakes fist*

Everything is weird...

2006-11-12T00:57:00.000+11:00

I had contact from an exboyfriend... weird. The human, annoyingly, sinful and 'normal' part of me is really happy about it -- sometimes I hold on to things because I convince myself that it's as good as it's going to get... I'd be happy to settle. However, realistically, that isn't at all smart and isn't fair on either him or myself. And also, not necessarily that convenient either. The other part of me, the realistic, clear-thinking part of me just screams, "EW NOT THIS AGAIN! Go and annoy someone else..."

It just makes me a bit sad cos, there is someone that I'm really interested in, who isn't at all into me, and that's fine... but unrequited love is a bitch. I hate having feelings for people. It's so rare, and I find it all so ... strangely private. I almost feel ashamed to talk about it with my friends, as if I should be embarrassed to ever expect someone to share those feelings with me... And usually, when I do kind of bring it up... it gets brushed aside as just a phase... so all of that makes me less inclined to admit it to anyone... bah. Even if this guy showed me interest (which he sort of has) I probably wouldn't ever make the move. If he ever said to me, "Jess, I really like you..." I'd still also not do anything about it and would go so far as to turn him down if he acted on it, cos I'm just far too jaded to go through all the BS again. I hate the idea of relationships.... however, I love the idea of being in love, which to me is ridiculous.

And I hate talking about it even more. With anyone.

Also.. something else that's been bothering me over the past little while... is conversations that I've had with a few people... some not even, necessarily good friends (although also applying to some).. but ... I feel lately like no one really gives a toss about anything that I have to say -- albeit uninteresting, but still, why can't some people feign interest? I know sometimes people prattle on about things that, let's face it, I honestly couldn't care about one way or another, but I recognise that it's something that makes them happy so I really feel happy for them and am happy to talk about their subject, or news or whatever it may be because I see how much it means to them. Over the past two days I've brought up a few different things with a couple of people and ... they've very literally changed the subject without even responding, looked at me strangely, paused strangely and said something like, ".....Yeah so anyway.....*insert their new subject here" .. and that really upsets me, cos obviously I wouldn't have brought it up with them unless it was something that I wanted to talk about .... or if it happens online with friends, they think adding an "lol" and then changing a subject will satisfy my need or want to talk about something.

BAH. Sometimes, I just think... it's so hard for me sometimes to communicate myself, and when it's met with that kind of changing of subjects or little regard, then why do I even bother? So like, if this is you ... and you do this to me... or if you do it to anyone else, try to think about how insignificant it makes a person feel... Whether or not I'm talking about church, God, a new cd, Michael Jackson, work, something that I read or even the bloody weather -- anything... it's important to me, perhaps not earth shattering or exciting -- but even a, "thats cool, Jess, I'm happy that it makes YOU happy even tho I dont really care about X subject." ... I'd appreciate the thought and the honesty.

Bah. Ranty rant rant rant.

I'm going to go to bed and watch either Memoirs of a geisha and think of having my very own chairman, or Finding Neverland and dream of how great it would be to have that kind of escapism and imagination.

Woe is me... *roll eyes*

God Bless.

Day Two: Kill Me Now.

2006-11-08T14:56:00.000+11:00

I've managed to crawl out of bed long enough to come online and give you all a little wave to let you know I'm still alive. I'm still alive but barely. I have another illness thingo. I could feel the impending doom on monday getting ready to set in. Tuesday came, wasn't so bad but it was just setting the stage for the illness that hit me with a thud when I woke up this morning.

Needless to say I went back to bed and have been there til just now (it's 3pm) Everything is too bright, my eyes hurt, my nasal passage burns and my coughing feels somewhat like I imagine it would be to cough up a cut-throat razor.

Splendid. I have so many things to do and no time to do them cos I just feel such like crap that I want to lie down and let it all pass.

I'm going to scream 'descrimination'

2006-11-04T22:55:00.000+11:00

I'm a creepy little fan girl.

I saw/met/talked to/watched Guy Sebastian again on thursday. I think he's nice. He knows my name off by heart. I dunno why, but I'm always surprised. Why should I be surprised? I've talked to him a billion times over the past 2 years and he's been calling me by my name after the third meeting back almost exactly 2 yrs ago.

He did a mini gig and it was brilliant. He gave me a hug and a kiss and I got to have a quick chat. Then again, the same thing a bit after. I don't have any creepy fanatical ideals when it comes to him. I think he's really attractive, but I'm not bursting to have his babies or looking at him in any creepy way -- but he just really makes me smile. I love watching him sing and he's genuinely a really good guy. I guess its hard to come by, so I admire it. It was also really good to catch up with some friends.

I will post some pics when I get them from my friend ... it was such a nice day. A long one though. I got pulled over by the police on my way home for my first random alcohol breath test. It was hideous cos I don't have the lung capacity to blow in to the pipe and they made me pull over and suddenly I had all these terrible mental images of being dragged out of my car and being asked to walk in a straight line while pointing to my nose and the other hand rubbing my belly in perfect unison.

Instead I emphatically denied drinking any alcohol and kept trying to convince the officer that I only had one lung (thus having no proof) and I literally didn't have the capacity to blow in to the stupid gay tube. In the end he let me off and said, "Okay, I believe you..." 20 freaking minutes later.

Maybe I can sue someone for emotional damages and use the money to buy a new computer to launch my own business and follow Michael Jackson to London for the World Music Awards... Oh speaking of fan girl behavior... MICHAEL IS ATTENDING THE WORLD MUSIC AWARDS!!!!!!1 ... seriously. If he sings... I will probably dupe my strides and shrivel up like the wicked witch of the west and begin to melt.

I think I'm going to get an early night. I have heaps of things to do tomorrow. I have Caro coming on monday and I need to clean up and finish my friends website. I'm giving myself a deadline.

Oh, Mum and I watched like 12 consecutive episodes of Friends today. I'm disgusted by my own laziness.

Yuck.

Testimony

2006-11-01T18:18:00.000+11:00

I meant to scan this and put this up months ago but I just couldn't seem to be bothered hooking up my scanner and editing the picture and all... but some of you may remember that I delivered my witness before the diocese at the Mystagogy Mass back in june. I was really nervous and all, but it went perfectly well. My testimony was then printed in the July Catholic Life newspaper... and so I figured I'd post it here. I have edited out my personal details of course.

And so have a read if you can be bothered.

In other news I finally think I'm on to something with what I was whinging about last night thank goodness. I'll post more about it later.

The two interviews. Thanks strawberryblue for keeping me in your prayers, I really appreciate your kindness. :) They both went fine. The second was a medical assessment for a specific reason that's I feel a bit private about right now. The job interview was really great and I am really pleased with how it went. Hopefully I will have some work between now and Christmas. Fingers crossed.

I took this following pic of myself because I'm quite a cam whore, and I thought it was a bit funny. There's a whole private joke attached to me living inside of a cardboard box, renting it from a rather affluent friend. lol.... but it's a long joke and probably not at all funny to anyone if I were to tell the story so I'll just post the pic and shut up. haha.

I hate today...

2006-10-31T15:14:00.000+11:00

Today sucked so much.

I hate bad days. I am having probs with something that I've been working on and I somehow managed to be hit with the worlds worst migrane. I have an interview first thing tomorrow morning which I'm really nervous about. (It's not a job interview.)

Blah. :( I am going to shut my curtains and lay down in bed for a little while until this stupid little man smashing my temples with his hammer goes away.

Cover on my heart...

2006-10-30T00:12:00.000+11:00

Everyday feels all the same, 9 to 5 gets so mundane
But something breaks with just one glimpse of you...
I would stare so long awhile, trying to tell you with my eyes.
I didn't say a thing, I thought you knew.
I wish I never did assume.
I was gonna tell you today, I even wrote the words I would say
I finally found the courage but now its too far
It took me all this time to reveal
What everything about you does to me
So why did I keep a cover on my heart?
Spent all night trying to explore
Just how I'd tell you I adore you
And how I'm moved by every word you say.
But today there's an empty space,
I found you've gone without a trace.
I wish I could have told you yesterday,
Maybe then you would have stayed.
It feels like my point of existence
has vanished with you in the distance.
Whatever it takes I'll persist, till I see your face again.

Blog video. Good times.

2006-10-27T11:47:00.000+10:00

Hey everyone...

I've had a pretty emotionally charged few days. Anyway, I felt a bit happier last night so I made the following video message. I figured I'd do something a bit different.

That's all I have to share for today. I'm not feeling the best so I'm going to lay down for a bit. I didn't sleep enough. Wah.

Cat cruelty.

2006-10-25T01:27:00.000+10:00

Okay, so even though I have my very own kitty.... I'm not at all a cat person. I don't like them generally, I think they're mostly ugly unless they're small kittens or they have a lot of attitude and pizazz... I happen to think my cat has both attitude and pizazz.

Some idiot, a person who shall remain nameless took it upon themselves today, in a fit of rage to pick up my beautiful little Thomas Anderson by the scruff of the neck and threw him with force. I was rendered speechless and my mouth fell open in shock and I made sure my cat was okay... He seemed to be and I went off to take a moment to recompose myself.

I went out to check on Thomas Anderson a little bit later (about 15 min) and I found him all snuggled in the computer chair. He's not a very affectionate cat and doesn't like to be picked up or held or even patted. He doesn't sit in laps, he's very much his own person. But he sat in my lap for a little while and let me pat him and I knew he was sad :( I took him in to my bedroom which he usually hates but he laid right down on my carpet and went to sleep. I noticed that his eye was a bit funny. It was wonky... like, half-closed... and when he opened it for me to see (without struggle btw, which is rare) it was weepy.

I was so fuming mad that as soon as my Mum got home from work, I relayed the story. She, also fuming mad when to the cat-basher and told it off. Cat basher justified itself by saying, "I only lifted him off..." BULL SHIT! BULL SHIT! BULL SHIT!

Now, cat-basher, never in a million years would treat any of the dogs in this same way -- in fact most people who hate cats would never treat any other animal the same way they treat cats. Why do people think its okay to be cruel to them?? I've seen so many people engage in all kinds of cat cruelty. It makes me so freaking angry. Now, at the end of the day, I know cat-basher didn't mean to hurt him, and it came from a impulse and cat-basher was probably supremely upset that Thomas is hurt, but you know what dude??? Next time, stay the freakin hell away from my cat.

I have a virus.

2006-10-23T00:34:00.000+10:00

My computer has got the worst virus in the world-- well actually, that's probably a vast over-exaggeration because if it was the worst virus in the world, I doubt I'd be able to blog at all. I'm in the process of switching all of my things from this stupid crap computer to my Mum's laptop.

I really am in dire need of a new computer and about 600 other things. I have written out a beautiful list of priorities and things that I need to budget for that include debts, bills and fun stuff. I'm proud of my job searching -- tomorrow I'm going to head down to a recruitment agency and put my resume in and follow up a few other places. It is so hard to get work here, but I really want to find something soon. I want to start saving before Christmas and I want to start paving the web design business.

I thoroughly enjoyed Mass today -- it was funny because last night Val and I had been talking about something that the priest touched on during his Homily. It was a good service. I was sitting beside a little girl who was going to be baptised after the Mass. She was so beautiful in her pretty pink dress and she seemed really excited.

I hear my not-so-good friend, N. is being baptised and confirmed next week. (I thought I was a major flake out when it came to my friends, but this person has stood me up time and time again... grrr) I will give her a call for good luck and prayer through the week. :) How exiciting for her.

Anyhow, it's almost 1am and I have to go reformat my computer and go to sleep. Not necessarily (but probably) in that order.

Oh also -- my Mum got herself a stupid new phone and I don't really understand the finer details, but she got a free phone with it... so now I have a new mobile phone and it's so pretty. It's a Motorola Razor V3 -- but I hear people have heaps of probs with them... but the only problem I have with it, is that I can't use my Michael Jackson ring tone anymore (I was using The Way You Make Me Feel) or my MJ talking "SMS" tone .... Ah well, I'll see what happens. It's so pretty and finally I can do MMS again! =)

Goodnight.

x

Sunday Scribblings: #30 -- Good

2006-10-22T01:21:00.000+10:00

I’ve always been a good girl.

I never stepped out of line at home. I knew my manners, I was well-behaved, I was never rebellious, I was never too much to handle. I rarely spoke back to my parents, I always did what I was told and I never told them any lies. I went ahead and did what they thought I wanted to do. I helped out around the house, they knew where I was at all times even without having to ask.

I was good in school. I did my work, I kept to myself. Even when making friends didn’t always work, I didn’t let that disrupt the way I treated everyone else.

I grew up. I never touched drugs, I didn’t go and get myself drunk. I’ve never even smoked a cigarette. I’ve never had a one night stand – in fact, I’m still a virgin waiting for that perfect man who will marry me and treat me like I’m the woman he’s been waiting for his entire life.

Some call that deluded, I still try to talk myself in to thinking it’s just me being good. :)

I bet those are all things that would make my parents proud. And sure, they make me ‘good’, but not great.

I became a Catholic almost two years ago. And I learned that it takes more than sitting upon a moral high-horse, sneering down my nose at others to make me someone who is right in the eyes of God.

I know that it takes humility, humbleness of the heart, purity, honesty and love for everyone, not just the people that I like. Being great or righteous in the eyes of God means tolerance and acceptance of everyone and to treat others as I would like to be treated – all of these things that I lack on a very day-to-day basis.

All through my life I have settled for what is good-enough. In terms of how I’d let people treat me, in terms of self-validation, boyfriends and more.

I don’t want to ever be just ‘good enough’ in the eyes of another person or in the eyes of the Lord.

I don’t even want to good anymore.

I want to be great.

http://sundayscribblings.blogspot.com

Hello again out there...

2006-10-20T12:16:00.000+10:00

I haven't blogged in a bit because I've honestly had nothing really to talk about ... I miss my friends, I miss Sydney. I wish I had of spent my birthday there, but oh well. Family dramas ahoy, everyone's arguing -- its starting to come between my Dad and his partner ... blah.

My birthday was nice. I went out with my friends to a restaurant and I received some nice gifts and I spent the night at a friends house and she has the sweetest puppy you ever did see.

Someone that I used to be really into (before he broke my heart by standing me up on my 21st birthday by promising he'd come to my party and just not turning up lol) msged me. Even though I am still kind of hurt by him, I still kind of jumped at the opportunity for contact again. It turned in to this big thing, and I just want to kick him in the unmentionables all over again. I can't stand mind games... I guess it's partly why I go out of my way not to bother with the opposite sex and everyone that I have been interested in, my interest is based on the fact that nothing will ever materialise because they are safe interests -- always unattainable and there's safety in the idea that I won't ever get hurt. (It hurts much less to know that something won't work out, than jumping in head first and getting rejected)

Thanks so much to the following for their the birthday msgs; Alynda, Dorinny, Valan, Mel Antonia, Carmel and Dave.

"For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" (Matthew 6:14,15).

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless". -Mother Teresa

God Bless.

23 Today

2006-10-14T07:41:00.000+10:00

I'm 23 years old today.

:)

I haven't left my room yet this morning except to go warm the living room up (freezing here) but I had a great night last night -- report later. Also, I talked to Valan last night and she sent me the most beautiful card in the entire world. :)

I'll write more later.

xoxo
Jess

I couldn't stay....

2006-10-13T02:34:00.000+10:00

My blog is pretty dead. I hate it now that I screwed it up by going to stupid beta blogger. Ruined my entire blogger experience. I'm going to write to blogger and tell them that letting google/yahoo buy them out was the most idiotic thing they've ever done.

Well... I'll threaten to, but we all know I'd be too lazy to get around to it.

I've had a lot of problems sleeping again -- well, not entirely true. I've had no problem sleeping, just getting to bed. I've been thinking about a lot of things and I have heaps of worries at the moment and they might just be mundane things... and then when I think of things that are happening on a larger scale, I realise how insignificant my own problems are.

North Korea? ... scary. Whenever stuff was going on in the middle East, I would say things like "Wow, that's terrible" and secretly I'd be glad that I was so far away ... but Australia is pretty close to all of this mess. Bush is nuts, The president of North Korea is nuts, our prime minister is Bush's personal ass kisser ... I'm pretty worried about all of that... I guess all we can do is pray that the situation doesn't get out of hand -- only I keep thinking back to Revelations in the New Testament and I keep reminding myself that these are the times that we have to be strong in Faith and never succumb to temptations and sin because it all counts.

And gosh, I've been a pretty lazy Christian lately. I hate even admitting it, but it's true... I go through this all the time. Just a regular test of faith... I need to be hearing sound words of God more often. I haven't been to Mass in a little bit due to car reasons, but now that I have my car back I'm starting to attend scripture meetings on wednesday afternoons and church on wednesday night and can go to Mass whenever I want without having to plan who will have the car and so on. I think once I'm back in the swing of things, I'll feel better, and am hearing God's word, I won't be as lazy and my motives will be inspired more.

I had a pretty big argument with a bible Christian on a Michael Jackson forum the other day cos she had her history wrong. She said that Martin Luther formed his own religion before Catholicism lol. It was absolutely absurd... We had a heated discussion back and forth and it's funny cos I felt really empowered with knowledge that I'd learned from my Catholic friends through this blog and through other Catholic friends in real/l. In the end, when she felt like she couldn't argue anymore she kept telling me to refer to my bible. I found her heaps of references to purgatory and also gave her examples as to why Catholics believe Catholicism was the first and only religion that Christ began -- and she tried to tell me that I was getting my info from a Catholic bible which apparently she KNEW FOR A FACT (lol) had been changed ... however, I knew she was going to say that -- so I used my references from the bible that I bought from a pentecostal church........and that was the end of that haha. I don't like it when people try to tell you youre wrong but they can't tell you why. Don't start something if you can't support it!

Anyway ... I'm really excited about this weekend cos I'm going to see Sharidan, Caro and my friend Leigh and her husband for my birthday. We're going to this Thai restaurant that looks so yummy and then for "drinks" (however, given my track record, I'll be staying right away from anything alcoholic)

I'm sorry if I haven't commented much on peoples blogs -- I have been reading, but this stupid new blogger beta requires me to keep leaving your blogs to login, comment, and then post ... and if I go to another blog... the same thing.

Grr... I dont know what to do. DOWN WITH BLOGGER BETA!!!!!!!!

How irritating....

2006-10-08T23:58:00.000+10:00

This morning I wrote this really long post about what a hypocrite Elisabeth Hasselbeck is, as is every other conservative Christian who holds the same senseless opinions as she does. Perhaps it was God's way of telling me that it was too controversial, lol. I did have lots of facts and research to support my own arguments. Mostly it was about how some conservative Americans twist and turn the second amendment of the U.S constitution to suit themselves so they can have guns and as a result hold the highest gun-related-death statistic in the world. It's sick, really.

But, I guess that's another debate for another day.

It's been a really stressful week with a lot of tears and I only hope that this week will be a lot better. I need to smile a lot this week and I really hope that I have a good time this weekend. Now that I'll have my car back, I think I'm going to go to the city and hang out with a couple of my friends and then watch copious episodes of Gilmore Girls with Sharidan -- or something like that.

It's midnight now and I am working in the morning and have an appointment at Victoria Roads straight after, so I need to go and gather all of my things and then get ready for bed. So tired.

"When we were utterly helpless, Christ came at just the right time and died for us sinners. Now, no one is likely to die for a good person, though someone might be willing to die for a person who is especially good. But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners." (Romans 5:6-8)

God Bless,
Jess

A sigh of relief.

2006-10-06T20:08:00.000+10:00

My sister in law called me again today. We had a good talk, a less stressed one without tears and worry. At least no matter what I know I'll always keep her as someone that I've grown to know and love as part of my family.

The mechanic called yesterday afternoon about my car. He quoted me from $1300 - $1400... so when he called I was kind of freaking out a bit since I only had $1150 in my account ... but after he went through what he'd fixed he said, "I've knocked some of the price down for you..." and I thanked him and said, "So what's the damage?" and he said, "$1081. But if you leave the car with me overnight I'll do another check for any oil leaks..." And he also got it checked and passed for registration and it passed for a complete roadworthy check.

$250 less than I expected!!! ... So then, I call the road services here to find out what car registration will cost me, and I found out I can pay bi yearly at $120! SCORE!!! I thought it was gonna cost heaps more. THEN I called around to a couple of insurance places so I could get some comprehensive insurance and one company was $43 per month or just over $400 for the year.

I know it seems like a lot of money with all those small numbers being thrown around, but I know it'll be okay cos my savings at the moment will cover most of it. My dad is going to be giving me money for my birthday and it will help me just a bit, plus if I ever get paid for this web design job and another that I'm working on right now I will be right... Also with my car the chances of finding a better job are maximised which really excites me :)

So even though my family is being shoved around and tried a bit at the moment, everything else for me seems to be going well if I just try to have faith that the rest will work out in time.

It will be SO GOOD to have my car back!!!!!!! I can go out and hang out with my friends and not have to feel so restrained. Argh!

:)

Oh the tangled web...

2006-10-06T00:33:00.000+10:00

I hate the new blogger beta and I can't revert back which really pisses me off.

And secondly, remember where I talked about finding out some stuff while I was visiting my family in July? Things that I didn't necessarily want to know, but was told? Well, it's all come crashing down in the most incomprehensible way. Someone within my family has a really hideous addiction that's ruining his entire life. His relationships, his finances, his health, his ability to function as a civilised human...

I finally decided tonight after finding out further that it's spiraled out of absolute control, that it was time to tell my Dad.

There's a good chance tomorrow I'm going to regret posting this, but I'm so stressed out and devastated right now that I need to just get it off my chest. I need prayers and I need them big time. This is something that's going to take a really long time to get through. It just seems like constantly building bridges... struggle after struggle with this person.

I feel angry and upset, empathetic, furious, sad ... I don't know... It's something that I just need to give to God in the most whole-hearted way and let him help us.

On another note, Dads gf is going for radiation therapy in Nov. They told her it's just precautionary and that everything is ok for now. Let's hope to God that it stays that way. She seemed like she was in okay spirits (ill bet all that changed after the conversation I had with my Dad.) So now that I've upset each member of my family that matters, I'm going to go to bed and talk to someone who always listens to me... even when I don't know it.

As a famous man once said, money is the root of all evil. Grrr

Here's a bit of advice

2006-10-04T10:45:00.000+10:00

Don't change over to blogger beta cos its super gay. And it changed my profile settings so that my full name was showing including my real surname and that pissed me off cos it's not like I don't attract enough psychos without my full name being displayed on the internet. Jeez...

Good news. Despite the fact that my face is infected with sinus, the rest of me is doing okay. I'm just blowing my nose a lot and my eyes are kind watery and sensitive to bright light lol. Damn sinus.

Bad news. Someone still hasn't paid me for a web design job I completed over 2 weeks ago and I hate being blunt and saying, "pay me please." I always do it in a round-a-bout, "Uhm, I'm sorry to bother you but, I haven't received payment yet, I was wondering if there was some problem?"

More bad news. I think Sydney is off unless my Mum springs it on me that we can go a few days before my birthday -- which would suck cos I cant just turn up to Sydney and expect everyone to just have no plans and change everything cos I'm there...

Good news. I'm starting to write out a business plan. Me. Yes me! A business plan. Goals and things for what I want to do with my little business project. I think this is where I will need the assistence of some of my friends. I have a couple of friends who are very business smart and there are certain things that I really don't understand (being hideous with numbers, tax talk and all of that) but I have a few other things to sort out before I dive in to that. I want to be a bit more secure with money so maybe it's something that I'll step in to fully after the next month or so.

Good news. I'll get my car back very soon. Bad news, in order to pay for everything pertaining to car I'll need more money. Tyres, rego, licence renewal, road service fee. Grr stupid expensive car -- but as a result I'll be free! FREE!!!! (until the price of petrol kills me!)

I'm a little bit annoyed with my Dad cos I mentioned that I might be coming to Sydney and I really miss him and its my main reason for wanting to go. I said, "Hey, I might be coming to Sydney" sort of... expecting him to say, "Oh great, we'll have to make some plans." or .. something. But he just interrupted me and said, "Oh... well if you come up make sure you pick up your boxes of shit (yes he used the word shit) that are in the garage cos if you don't and someone buys the house, I'll be throwing them..." ... nice.

Sometimes I get really mad at my family because I feel like it's always out of sight and out of mind. My brother never contacts me unless I contact him first (and even then sometimes he rarely replies) my sister-in-law hasn't responded to any of my txts for awhile now. My Dad acts like that ... and when I am not with my Mum she acts like she has no interest in hearing/talking seeing me. And they all moan and complain about how our family never makes the effort and no one seems to care about anyone... Well I just find that to be a little bit rich.

Anyhoo, I'm off to go make early lunch and get started on some stuff.

God Bless,
Jess

Some kind of sick twisted joke!

2006-10-01T23:29:00.000+10:00

This has got to be some kind of sick and twisted joke. More than anything, I am deeply amused. If I wasn't so amused I'd be feeling pretty freaking miserable.

I AM SICK AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not kidding. Yesterday around lunch time my nose started getting sniffly. It began to burn which happens when I'm getting the makings of sinus. I thought maybe it was cos I've had a few nose bleeds over the past week (on wednesday I had a really bad one after I got home but I think that was the heat) that my nose was being really sensitive. Oh no. I went to bed feeling really congested. Now I have a nice little cough back (for real, I only just got rid of it like a week ago!), a scratchy throat and THE WORST SINUS IVE HAD IN SO LONG!!!!!1111

I've had so much time off work in the past few weeks that I don't want to have another day off so I'm going in anyway tomorrow and hope to God I wake up in the morning feeling better. This is actually some sick joke lol. I had my weekend all planned out timewise, what I'd be doing and all that stuff -- but as it happened I spent most of today in bed trying to sleep. (It's the only way to go when you're all blocked in the head).

I figure I'll wake up early. Have a shower to fix my swollen sinus up and stay at work for the morning and leave around lunch if I don't feel very well. I have a friend coming in to pick up a DVD from me so I need to be there. Gosh, I really hope it's not going to be a busy day.

And just so you all know ... :P ... it's 14 days til my birthday as of today (13 sleeps!) hehe I'll be 23. Can you believe it?! What I've decided is that ... I'm not actually turning the year .... but don't get me wrong, I don't want to be rude, therefore, I'm still accepting the gifts :P

I hope I can get to Sydney after all.

Everything's out of place...

2006-09-30T00:35:00.000+10:00

Everything's out of place... My inside out so upside down. Fast forward, rewind, I'm walkin' backwards in time. Everything that's new feel's like I've done before. The moon lights the day, since the sun lost it's way...

A couple of friend's said some really encouraging things to me today. I am really lucky and grateful to have some amazing people in my life. I feel a bit better and that's the main thing. It could just be PMS passing by...who knows.

I'm just feeling a bit trapped every which way that I look. But... my friend has kind of inadvertantly inspired me to take a leap of faith. I thought of advertising to make websites professionally awhile ago, but I needed to register a business number and there was something preventing me from doing that at the time. However, I am able to do it now, I think as long as I don't earn above a certain amount of money. To cut a long story short, I got offered a really amazing website job last year for a rock band who are actually kind of big here in Melbourne now. I knocked it back because of the fear factor. What they wanted wasn't anything too difficult and there was just two things that I wasn't 100% sure how to do, but I could have had some help or just took the plunge to figure it out. I didn't. I kinda let myself succumb to the idea of, "Ohmygosh, how dare I ever consider myself professional?? Much less let someone pay me for it..." and I made up some idiotic excuse to everyone who asked me if I was taking it on. "They want stuff that's too over my head." ... whatever, I just told the manager of the band that I was too swamped to take it on. Oh yeah. Sure.

Last year another friend gave me the opportunity to create a website for her business. I got half thru it and chickened out because I didn't think I could ever match up to what she really wanted/needed and really let her down.

I've created websites for business before. In fact, the last few websites I've created, I have been paid for. But, because they actually haven't been for a business but rather for someone's personal use, I haven't been scared by the idea of them. I've completed them to the satisfaction of the client and been paid. Great.

Well... my friend is opening a business and asked me to do a website for it. I've agreed. I don't want to keep making the same ridiculous mistakes. I won't lie and say there's been moments where I've felt really freaked out by not believing I can deliver... but I really want to just give it a go.. and at the end of the day if she's not happy then she'll find someone else and I'll be able to say I gave it a shot.

A lot of the time I see websites for business' that are ridiculously ugly and I know I could create something much more appealing and clean looking and I know that for the websites the company has probably paid hundreds of dollars -- so after talking on the phone to one of my friends tonight (who has her own business) I'm thinking like my friend of whom I'm now creating the website for ... just go for it. I know I have the capacity to do it, it's just doing it. And I have to get over it someway or another because it's beginning to overrule my life. And if I fail, then at least I'll know I've tried. I studied web design for a year, I really do know what I'm doing. I also learned most of everything I know by myself.

It won't cost a lot of money at all to do this legally (by registering an ABN) because I already have a business website, I already have all the software packages ... the only thing I might need (in the future, right now its okay) is a new computer (because software packages run really slowly on this laptops for some reason... i.e photoshop and flash mx etc) and I might look at doing a short course in how to use Flash, just so I can add it. Even if I'm only doing one site a month, that's still a few hundred dollars more than I have now. When (if) I'm at uni it will really help me to be making extra money on the side.

So... I'm going to call my Dad tomorrow and talk to him about it more (he ran his own successful business for about 20 yrs) and see what he thinks... and on monday I have to call my Sydney G.P to talk to her about getting a letter of support for my university application. I figure if I don't get in to University, I'll just look at doing a childcare course or something that can be a bit of a shoe in for the following yr.

Also, today I got off my fat ass and took my dog for a walk. I made the mistake of taking Dev as well as Billie... and he's old and fat and can't keep up ... and by half a km later, he was limping, so I had to bring him home cos he'd hurt his foot and had to go have it checked. Tomorrow I'm going to take Billie on her own so we can walk farther. I just need to do it if for no other reason but for my health. When I go to Sydney, eventually (my Mum sort of suggested that she might drive me and pay for my return flight as my bday gift) I will see my G.P and get her to suggest something for my leg... I really, really want to go next month just so I can see a real doctor. (WHY ARENT THERE ANY "REAL" DOCTORS IN VICTORIA?! IF YOU KNOW OF ONE, SEND ME TO HER!!!!!!!!)

Anyway.... there's my happier post. We'll see what happens anyhow.

xoxox
Jess

I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell...

2006-09-28T23:57:00.000+10:00

Just having one of those days...

I'm tired of things not being "right" ... Felt really crap yesterday (and was told I looked considerably unwell - nice.) feel even worse today. The leg is doing the whole, "lets swell right up again."

You know how on the back of your calf muscle you can kinda pinch it?(unless you're so muscular and you dont have an inch of fat) Well, my leg is so tight on my right that I don't have that at all, but oh, plenty of flab to pinch on my right calf. It worries me and I'm so bloody tired of not knowing what's wrong or having stupid ridiculous drs just glance at it and shrug and move on to the next thing.

I'm feeling really incompetent with everything. You know that whole feeling that we all succumb to every now and then? Just feel like I'm not good enough in most aspects of my life. I had a dream the other night that the Fr. at my Parish made me sign a contract that promised me to be a better Catholic, which made me really sad when I woke up.

I feel like I'm a hopeless worker (especially with all the issues I've had with my Mum about transport lately), not a good enough friend, am not good enough to take on certain responsibilities and get them done. I succumb to failure before I even attempt, because I "know" I'll never succeed to begin with... I'm ridiculous with this stuff.

I'm so unmotivated that I can't even get off my wide load for more than 15 min every day to go for a walk which is probably the sole cause of the swollen leg - fluid from NO EXERCISE.

I really do suck. When I feel like this I kind of just want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head until it passes ... I don't care if it takes months. The things that I do have going for my life aren't very impressive things and I just sit and wonder ... what is the effing point of anything?

[/end woe is me post]

g'nite.

Exhausted.

2006-09-27T22:34:00.000+10:00

I suck at going to bed at a reasonable hour. I went to bed at about 1am after aiming to go at 11pm. I didn't fall asleep until about 2:30am, and I woke up at 5am to go to the city to see Guy Sebastian this morning (priorities!) and came home to work this afternoon and now I am absolutely exhausted.

I've been sitting here watching the interview with Terri Irwin (Steve Irwins wife) and have been bawling my eyes out. It's so sad that he died leaving his beautiful little kids. :(

I went to a good concert on sunday night. Ricki Lee Coulter, Paulini, Emily Williams, Kate DeAraugo or whatever her name is ... and Guy Sebastian. Was pretty freakin' awesome. I met Ricki Lee, Paulini and Emily afterwards. Ricki and Paulini were so sweet and lovely. Did I ever mention how much I love live gigs?

Ricki Lee Coulter & I (And Michael Jackson!)

Paulini & I (and Michael Jackson!)

I also saw the rest of the new Australian Idols performing today ... can I just say... I'm not at all the kind of fan of anything that will scream, shake, cry, turn-in-to-12-yr-old-mush, or become so starstruck that I can't even speak. Mostly, my fandoms are very calm and I'm not even particularly enthusiastic when I'm at concerts and stuff. I just really, really love music so much that I'm more interested in knowing stuff about their performance or whatever, more so than I am interested in them as people. (unless we're talking about MJ -- and sometimes Guy. I find both of their lifestyles to be kinda fascinating. MJ the visionary, Guy the good Christian example.)

So I really don't understand (or like) it when I have people absolutely screaming in my ear over someone who has only been in the public eye for about 3 and a half weeks (Aus Idol contestants) professing their love, wedding vows .. the whole shebang... It would be different if said contestants had actually achieved something. If they'd put out half decent music, or performed so amazing that your socks and toupees were blown off in the process - but no. All of these singers are reasonably attractive with mediocre talent - nothing special at all. And all save a few, their egos seem really out of proportion.

Anyway, I almost had the blood of a couple thousand teenyboppers on my hands. For glances as far as my eyes would take me was a sea of pirate stripes, supre belts, bumble bee glasses and the asphixiating smell of lipsmackers coming back from 1997 to haunt me. Yuck.

I did very much enjoy Guy singing two new songs that I hadn't heard before (One called Elevator Love LOL! .. sounds so sleazy, but actually it's nothing to do with having sex in an elevator, okay!?) and I was able to temporarily ignore the squealing and just bask in his beautiful voice. Really, I love the sound of his voice. Spent some time with a couple friends and said a brief hello to another before coming home.

Went in to work for a bit. And now I'm very exhausted. I'm working again tomorrow, but I think I'm just going to go in in the afternoon cos I have way too much planned between now and then.

That's all for now. It's been a pretty full on week. I'll be so happy to have my car back.

God Bless,
Jess

I'm a musical genius in regular clothing.

2006-09-25T19:27:00.000+10:00

Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: i have to ask you a question
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: yes
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: there is this song from the 80s... maybe? and I dont know the words and I dont know the name and I dont know the band and I cant rememebr the tune LOL,but I really want iot
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: ....?
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: I rememebr the viedo clip
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: ok...
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: its uh... a band and they have long hair and they are in a house and the first part of the video is in black and white
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: Be With You By Mr. Big?
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: im the one who wants to be with youuuuuuu, deep inside i hope you feel it toooooooo?
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: oh. my. god
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: is that it??? LOL
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: are you fucking serious
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: YWES!
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: i am so brilliant
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: I'm shocked
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: hahahahha
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: I cant believe you actually got it first go. you need to be documented and put on display.
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: i love the song. i used to think the guy was a girl tho
Hot dog, we got a weiner! says: seriously. you amaze me.
I wanna be part of an ocean, a river in motion... says: oh stop, no keep going, no stop... oh no keep going.

Haaaaaahahahaha.

Something on my mind...

2006-09-22T23:30:00.000+10:00

I've changed. Really, truly changed -- and I hate to support the theory of evolution, but I've really evolved as a person. This is encouraging to know especially when I'm down and out and feeling as though things aren't fast-tracking as I'd like them to.

It started back a few weeks ago when someone who I started to consider as a "former-friend" emailed me. We sent emails back and forth about the demise of our friendship and everything that was underlying. I don't want to be too hard on myself because I know that I was going through a tough few years during the peak time of our friendship, but I am very, very ashamed of the person that I used to be. I was so judgemental and so angry and ... half of the time I didn't know if I was coming or going. I was so influential. I prided myself on not being swayed, not letting someone poison my mind when it came to making my own decisions and forming my own opinions, but gosh ... I was way off.

And spiteful... I never considered myself to be spiteful, but if I look back at it all and examine my conscience, I really, really was. I was even spiteful toward people that I cared so much about. I said/did things without cause, just because I was angry with everyone. I resented people for the most ridiculous things. I talked about people behind their backs even when I was so adamant that I wasn't like that. Half of the time, I think that I was subconsciously trying to alienate everyone from me so that I wouldn't ever have to feel rejected later on.

I let my father down so much. I mosied through life brushing off his advice, his guidance and his wisdom because I was so confident that I knew better. I boasted that he didn't understand, that no one understood -- but that was neither here nor there, if I just followed his advice, I wouldn't have felt that way to begin with. I am aware that everyone makes mistakes and there's always room in life for trial and error -- but I've actually failed at life til this point because of the way that I've prioritised things.

I hate that I brushed off everyone's problems as if they didn't exist. I hate that I wasn't there for people when they needed me the most because I was far too worried about what was going on in my own little messed up head. I didn't see how much I was hurting others -- and even if I did see it, I probably wouldn't have cared. I probably would have thought it was their problem. God forbid if anyone tried to step in and help me -- I saw it all as personal attacks and resented them more for it.

There's a part of me that's still hurting inside because of everything that I've endured, that I've been through and that I haven't been able to share with other people. It's a part of my heart that has been permanently damaged, but I do believe that everybody has a piece of them just the same. Unfortunately for me, I let it consume me. I let it set me apart and jade me for far too long.

A lot of things have been sorted through a barrage of open and boldly honest emails, and for that I am grateful. I am grateful because it allows me to see everything that I have been, and what today I am not.

I have only one person to thank for this, and that is My Father Almighty -- Christ, My Lord, Jesus. I might not be exactly where I expected I would be, but at least I'm mildly going in the right direction which is more than I ever imagined I could do. Sometimes life is hard and it's frustrating and when I wake up all I want to do is cry because I feel so stagnant but I try to have faith in the fact that eventually I will be completely pleasing to God, not just when I feel like I can sum up the courage.

At least that's what my heart is hoping.

Down with the angels, hangin' in the heavens....

2006-09-22T12:57:00.000+10:00

Today I'm feeling a bit "blah" and I'm not really sure why. Nothing bad has happened, nothing good either, really. I was supposed to go see friends yesterday but still wasn't feeling up to scratch. On tuesday night I had some really bad news and coupled with what's going on with my Dad's partner .. I just felt a bit down. I did talk to my Dad though, and his partners surgery went well, but they won't know the final results until they come back from the pathology in a weeks time. I'll keep you all updated on that.

Secondly, I bought Guy Sebastian's new single yesterday like the lovely dutiful fan that I am. It's a great idea for artists to put b side songs on their cds cos it makes people who like the artist more inclined to buy it. There's a b side on the single that is a thousand times better than the actual release and I've had it on repeat ever since. He just sounds better these days and although it was good at the time, I'm glad he's not doing the wannabe R&B/urban genre anymore. This new music sounds a lot more fresh. Anyhoo, the song is called "Do Life" (the b side) and there are a few little lines in it that I love ;; but especially, "I wanna be part of the ocean, a river in motion, I wanna be down with the angels hangin' in the heavens... there's no place I'd rather be..." Sometimes I wonder why I'm a fan -- but when he opens his mouth to sing, I remember.

I think my trip to Sydney is on the backburner for now. It's ridiculous to go if I can't afford to -- which is really disappointing cos I miss my Dad so much right now and I really want to see him and give him a big hug. :( Also, I really miss all of my friends.... But I guess there will be another time.

I talked to a friend of mine who lives in Alice Springs. I met her in 2004 and spent a week with her, then saw her again in Melbourne, and hung out with her for a day or two mid last year... We catch up by phone now and then or through email -- but I was so excited to find out the other night that she's moving to Victoria in December for good. She's so much fun and such a sweet person. We got along amazingly from the first time I met her -- so I'm really happy that I'll have a new friend out here soon enough. I'll also have a new church buddy that isn't over the age of 70. haha.

So anyway, since I've had a lot of time to myself, I created the video below. I made it originally but had to edit cos it was too long which really annoyed me. *Shakes fist at youtube* -- but it's edited, and it's my first go at making anything like this... so have a look at it and let me know what you think... (Dorinny, you're famous! hehehe.) I'm a little bit proud cos I showed my Mum and it made her cry -- haha. And while I sat there making it, looking at photos and listening to audios and watching videos -- I found myself crying like a bitch lol. Anyhoo... here it is;

Not much to report

2006-09-19T16:54:00.000+10:00

I went back to work yesterday, but I came home later in the afternoon cos I didn't feel up to scratch.

Car got quoted at $1300, I know thats a heap more than I expected, but that's okay. On top of that I have to get two new tyres, register it and renew my licence. It'll take a couple of weeks but at least I'll have transport.

Uni is gong to cost me over $100 to apply. I'm scared cos I have an extreme shortage of money and no back up plan. Grr.

Anyhoo, I'll hit back if I have anything important to say.

xoxo

Sunday Scribblings: #25 - Research (hmm now says google magic)

2006-09-16T20:10:00.000+10:00

Today after spending a lot of time on you tube and downloading a lot of footage that I’m getting together to create my own videos, I felt inspired to write about something I have been passionate about for as long as I can remember. It is something that I was forced to research and know more about over the past three years. When I first read the Sunday scribbling topic, I didn’t think I would participate and I promised myself I wouldn’t write about the subject that I’ve chosen because of the way people generally react, but I’m gonna go out on a limb anyway…

Disclaimer, this is really long and I apologize, but I didn’t really want to condense it, so don’t read it if you don’t want to, but this is one of my most personal and honest entry yet. Also, the original topic at Sunday Scribblings said "research" and now it says google, well I've already done my entry, so research it is! haha.

Michael Jackson

I became a huge Michael Jackson fan when I was probably in 5th grade. He was my first celebrity crush. He was my first favorite singer, he was the first song I ever remember hearing and seeing a video to (The Bad video is the first video if you’re interested) I remember the allegations that came up in 1993. I remembered being informed by my best friend that her Dad had told them it was just people wanting money from him. Of course, I never believed anything different. I was only 9 or 10. I remember the “come back” album, HIStory. The nuts MJ obsession that ensued from then on was pretty full on.

I talked, walked, lived, breathed drank anything and everything Michael Jackson. I collected tiny pictures, articles, second hand vinyls, albums, Jackson 5, The Jackson’s, MJ magazines, videos, footage, anything you can imagine. I wrote him letter after letter after letter that my Mum always promised to send to him. (I could never figure out why he didn’t write me back.) I kept writing letters until I was about 18 or 19, but I kept them to myself after and shared them with no one.

I became heavily involved in the Michael Jackson online fan community in 1997 and never looked back. I met people from all around the world and at one stage had more than 30 Michael Jackson penpals from Sweden, Holland, UK, Israel, Germany, Japan, New Zealand, Turkey, Lithuania, Denmark, Slovenia and so many more. I loved those people like they were my best friends. Some of them, I am still in contact with. I met fans from Australia (and other countries), five of whom I consider like my best friends (people that comment/read here, Caro, Val, Anna, Dorinny, Vicky) With these friends, I learned about different backgrounds, I learned survival talk in a lot of languages (French, Dutch, German and Slovenian.) I learned about the way their countries work, the traditions, backgrounds and all sorts of interesting things. Many of these friends I used to speak regularly to by telephone (especially one very special Israeli friend, Sharona.)

When I turned 18, I traveled to New York to see Michael Jackson by myself. It is something that I never ever would have considered had I not been a fan. I always wanted to travel, I always wanted to do something independent and so many people told me I was crazy and that it was a waste of my money and time. But I met two wonderful, wonderful fans, one of whom was from the UK who took me under her wing and befriended me. It is not often that I am completely honest about my intentions for traveling to New York. I usually tell people that I was “in the neighbourhood” that I didn’t go solely for MJ, but honestly? I did. I wanted to see him and I knew that there was no chance of him coming back to Australia. Some people call it groupie behavior, but I had never felt about another single person the way I felt about MJ. I didn’t expect I would marry him, I didn’t expect I would become his friend till the end. I just wanted to shake his hand and say, “Hi Michael, I love you and thank you for everything you’ve given to me.”

By that I mean inspiration. I hate the typical, “Michael saved me!” fan stories – but it’s the truth. I spent a lot of time in my early teen years in and out of hospital with an illness that I wouldn’t ever let on the severity to anyone except my family. At school I got ridiculed beyond belief, I really believed a lot of that time I was about to die. I didn’t really have an abundance of friends or anyone who I felt cared too much except my parents and grandparents, so I looked to music and to other things for consolement. Cheesily enough, Michael Jackson’s music always spoke to me. The footage I’d watched endlessly of him visiting sick kids, donating money, always being a voice for the voiceless, that really made me feel like he cared. His writings, his words, his poetry, his thoughts and open sentiments, they always touched my heart even from my younger days. He didn’t save me, but he gave me inspiration to keep the faith and never give up hope.

Because of the help of the insistent UK fan, that dream of meeting Michael Jackson came true. I got to talk to Michael Jackson in his car. I got to tell him thank you. I was able to stay calm enough to say that he was my biggest inspiration and that I loved him for everything. I was able to hold his hand. I was able to tell the world that Michael Jackson caressed my hand, talked to me, told me he also loved me and appreciated me, that it was his honor to meet me. He asked me if I was okay, how I enjoyed my trip, how I liked Australia, my name, he touched my face. And despite the fact that he tells all the fans he loves them? Well, for that moment in time, he told me, directly to me that he loved me. It was enough to inspire me for almost another decade and he helped me create the happiest and most exciting day of my life.

In 2003 almost exactly 10 years to the day of the 1993 allegations, new ones broke. Now, I had spent a lot of time researching the first Michael Jackson case. I know lots of things that the general public wouldn’t know. Like for instance, Michael Jackson never wanted to settle the case civilly. I had to research American Law. I found that you couldn’t have a criminal suit before a civil suit. I found out that Michael Jackson fought to have this reversed. He wanted it to be tried in a criminal suit (for those who don’t understand, this means he would never have paid Jordan Chandler, but rather would have went before a jury just like he did in 2005 and had it tried properly) but the judge denied the motion. He was given bogus advice and was in the prime of his success and so he was basically forced to settle for the price they agreed upon civilly. Additionally, David Schwartz, the stepfather of the accuser, secretly taped a conversation with Evan Chandler (the accusers father) to later use to help Michael Jackson (but later Schwartz jumped ships and decided to join in the extortion).

“There are other people involved that are waiting for my phone call that are in certain positions. I’ve paid them to do it. Everything’s going according to a certain plan that isn’t just mine. Once I make that phone call, this guy [his attorney, Barry K. Rothman, presumably] is going to destroy everybody in sight in any devious, nasty, cruel way that he can do it. And I’ve given him full authority to do that” (Chandler to Shwartz)

Chandler then predicted what would, in fact, transpire six weeks later: “And if I go through with this, I win big-time. There’s no way I lose. I’ve checked that inside out. I will get everything I want, and they will be destroyed forever. June will lose [custody of the son]...and Michael’s career will be over.”

“Does that help [the boy]?” Schwartz asked.

“That’s irrelevant to me,” Chandler replied.

“It’s going to be bigger than all of us put together. The whole thing is going
to crash down on everybody and destroy everybody in sight. It will be a massacre
if I don’t get what I want.”

(GQ “Was Michael Jackson Framed?” October, 1994 )

Of course the above never really made it to press because the world was too busy tripping over themselves to see their own Peter Pan turned pervert. And while the world always asked, “If he was innocent, why did he settle?” I always wondered, “If you were any sort of parent, wouldn’t you have wanted justice to prevail so the “predator” doesn’t strike again?)

The 2003 allegations seemed more serious, people ran with the idea that since he was accused once and “got off” (even though he was actually never charged with anything at all in 1993/1994) it must of course be a silent admission of guilt. The accusers were predictable and ridiculous this time around though, and unlike Evan Chandler, Janet Arviso (the mother of the 2003 accuser) wasn’t very bright.

I was forced to research this one to the high heavens and learn about U.S Law faster than I could blink. It blew up very quickly and before I knew it, my hero had been arrested, handcuffed and charged with 14 counts of misconduct with a minor known from the disgusting Martin Bashir interview (February 6, 2003) as Gavin Arviso.

It surprised no one that Tom Sneddon, the District Attorney who was in charge of the 1993 investigation, was also heading the 2003 investigation. Furthermore, the same media mogul, Diane Dimond who broke the 1993 case was also allowed special access to “break” the 2003 case (her Court TV crew was at Neverland the day both raids occurred before any other journalists new). During 1993 Michael Jackson was forced to submit to “investigative” photographs of his genitalia to “prove” that the accusations Jordan Chandler had made about particular scarring in that area was the case. Later most media outlets failed to report, was not actually the case (there was no match to the child’s description) Despite the fact that these photos were supposed to be sealed, a former friend of Sneddon’s had recounted that he had, in fact, passed them around and “shared a laugh”.

In a press conference just after Michael Jackson’s 2003 arrest Sneddon was critisised for referring to Michael as “Wacko Jacko”, and also for speaking prematurely having been quoted saying, “we got him!” (ha)

I felt from the get-go that the case was a witch-hunt. I supported Michael Jackson whole-heartedly until I had red-handed evidence to prove otherwise. (I’m one of those very few people who believe in innocent until proven guilty, not guilty until proven guilty.) I am a very independent thinking person; I am also a very intelligent person and became offended when people would brand me a “naïve fan”. I did my research, and I did it very well. I knew what I believed and why I believed it and unlike the people who accused me of being blinded by my admiration, I didn’t just rely on the news vendors to feed me their idea of “balanced information”. I decided that after all Michael had done to enrich my life indirectly, I would also like to help bring him support, even if it was also indirect.

I did a lot of radio interviews within Australia sharing my knowledge. I was interviewed by newspapers and I helped organize some information distribution within Sydney along with a group of Australian Michael Jackson fans. Then my lovely friend Dorinny and I, decided in April 2005 that we wanted to go to Santa Maria to support him.

We didn’t expect to meet him, we just wanted to be another face in the supporting crowd. One more banner, one more voice shouting support, we knew that it gave him the strength to get up and go to court every morning and to keep his head held high. He was looking at a jail term of up to 26 yrs. Of course each time I had a fleeting thought of this, tears would well up in my eyes and I couldn’t even begin to grasp any sort of reality of it.

We read transcripts of what was going on in the courtroom on a daily basis (and let me tell you now, unless you read those transcripts, you really didn’t learn anything about what kind of people screwed Michael Jackson over). 45 seats were raffled off every morning to the public and so fans would also come back each afternoon and give their reports. We read the backlash media reports making Michael Jackson out to sound like some kind of sinister freak who created Neverland to reel in the children.

I’m sorry though, 2 victims in ten years? Wow, he really knows what he wants doesn’t he? A very particular man who is amongst a smorgasbord of children and has been for the past 25 years – erm, really that makes no sense. The other “accusers” that popped up during the trial, were pretty much heckled out by the media as well.

Dorin and I got to California and hoped that perhaps we might get in to the courtroom and observe just once, but we were not expecting it. Low and behold, the very first day there we got our ticket and got to sit in, just meters away from our hero. We sat through a day of court, hearing witnesses testify for the prosecution, and then cross-examined by Thomas Mesereau, Michael’s champion lawyer who would cut down the witnesses and show us just how laughable their testimonies were.

I had the good fortune of watching Janet Arviso (the mother of the accuser) and I found myself along with media, and jurors laughing at her ridiculous claims. (Michael Jackson was evil and wanted to make them disappear by putting them on a hot air balloon. No, seriously. – Apparently they’d disappear in to thin air and no one would hear of them again? Wow Michael, you’re such a genius.) The entire time Michael just watched on, sometimes shaking his head, sometimes looking at the desk he was sitting at.

We would go to Neverland every day after court. (We got in to the court room 3 times on my 4th day I left early because I was sick.), on the way out-racing Michael Jackson’s car, winding down our windows screaming our support to his car window and waving frantically, showing our banners and trying to avoid car accidents.

It humbled my heart to see just how many fans were there from all over the world in support for him. We met fans from France, Sweden, UK, Spain, other U.S cities, Poland, etc.

In my time I had put together a special book for Michael that I had hoped that I could give to one of his security or someone working for him to give to him. It was a book of all the letters I had ever written him (the ones that I mentioned earlier that my Mum had promised to send had been found in a drawer when I moved away at about 16 yrs old, plus the ones I had kept writing). I also included photos of my friends and other Aussie fans, things I’d written about him in the past, and special little Michael Jackson projects I’d put together… The thing is, as a Michael Jackson fan you’ll know that he loves to receive personally made gifts more than material ones. He loves to collect banners and letters and cards and things, so I really felt like my idea would be original. You can see some of my book here.

At Neverland after the first day in Santa Maria, I managed to give him my book personally. It was heavy and he took it from me as I passed it through his car window, someone else helped him take it (his Mother) as I told him that we were there from Australia and he said thank you and God Bless Australia. Of course, the added bonus was him holding out his hand to me. I gave it a little squeeze and said “I love you.” And I felt him squeeze my hand back.

I stayed in Santa Maria for 12 days (Dorin could only stay for five) and had another chance to speak to him on my second last day. It was very brief but I got to hold his hand again and tell him, I was always supporting him no matter what. He said, “Thank you, God bless you.” And held my hand again. There were moments where we held banners for him just kms from his home where he slowed his car and had his father film us while he waved and smiled. (And gosh, how brilliant was it to see him still being able to find joy at a time like that.) and I never regretted a second of my trip, despite being told by others that I would.

The trial ended on June 13, 2005. As it loomed closer, my friends and I became more scared. It was around the time that I traveled overseas (but must I stress, not for this reason) that I began to find solace in God. I had been praying a lot over 2004 and 2005 for Michael Jackson, but I had begun praying then not for what I wanted, but for what God willed. I prayed not for him to be vindicated, but for the right result. It would be a lie to say that I wasn’t depressed. I thought about the outcome of the verdict constantly. I was stressed about it and felt really ridiculous for becoming engrossed in someone else’s life, but actually, I feel the same sickness for anyone who is about to lose their life for nothing. It just felt more personal because Michael has been like my best mate for the past 14 or so years, someone who’d make me smile; who’d help me escape just so I could bask in the bliss of his music and dance.

On the morning of June 13, at 5am I had a phone call from a friend telling me that the verdict was about to be read. We had a phone pool going. Guy called me, I called Anna, I called Val. We all got online. We waited. I prayed. I don’t know that I’ve ever prayed with such fervor in my entire life. I cried. I couldn’t feel my palms through the tingling. I felt like they would “get” him on something since the whole trial had seemed like such a set-up. Even the Judge seemed so ridiculously biased and throughout the duration of the trial, he had not granted one single motion that MJ’s team had made.

So, I prayed. With each count read out one by one, I thought about how Michael must have felt. I thought mostly about his children – what would they do without a father? Who would take them? How could they ever have a normal life? I cried and prayed for them. With each "not guilty” read, a flood of tears escaped my eyes and I prayed until I waited for the next one.

“Not guilty.” I praised God and prayed until all the counts had been read and found innocent. He was cleared of all 14 charges. Vindicated, proven innocent. We celebrated. We went out for dinner, we cried, we hung out it was just so brilliant that it was all over.

Of course there were many who said that just because he “got off” didn’t mean he was innocent – however, I always wondered that if he had been found guilty and sentenced to 26 yrs (or life) in prison, if anyone would have ever turned around and said, “Well that doesn’t really mean he’s guilty!” … The answer is a resounding no. And here’s why;

Michael Jackson isn’t your average Joe. He suffers from vitiligo, he has had plastic surgery, he doesn’t look “normal” like you or I, and apparently eccentricities and all those things are requisites of a guilty man. If Michael Jackson was a very normal looking man who did all the same humanitarian things he has done, if he was masculine looking and had striking good looks, the case would have been heckled out of court. It only went on as long and as dramatically as it did, because it was Michael Jackson and because of the stigma that has been attached to his name since day one.

I used to put Michael Jackson on pedestal and I idolized him, but I’ve realized that he is also human. He is a man, a very human one, with human feelings and emotions just like you or I. He isn’t a robot, there is only so much a man can take without being broken. He inspires me because he still to this day can walk with his chin held high and hasn’t changed one little bit despite the wicked words and continual ridicule.

To some people he might be just a weirdo, an eccentric freak who is now “washed-up” but my own; almost lifetime research has shown me (and thankfully lots of people who have been willing to listen to me) otherwise.

During the trial, at one point when I bought my very first bible, I opened it up looking for words of comfort and it was this passage that was the first one I looked at and it stayed with me until the end of the trial.

“But Look! God will not reject a person of integrity, nor will he make evildoers prosper. He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy. Those who hate you will be clothed in shame and the tent of the wicked shall be destroyed.” – Job 8:20

Michael Jackson, to the world you might just be one person, but to this one person you mean the world. Thank you for everything you’ve given me – both directly and indirectly.

I'm the worst friend on the face of the planet

2006-09-16T12:30:00.000+10:00

Seriously.

My friend's wedding party? It's on now and I'm not there. I'm one of those people that are so anti-social that will do just about anything or make up any excuse not to have to go to something that involves me interacting with people I've never met because I do feel that socially retarded. However, this was not one of those things and I was really looking forward to going because Caro was excited about me meeting some of her friends, and I've met some of them before and they were easy-going. Also, I hadn't seen her fiance's family in a long time and it would be nice to see them again.

So what happened? I was relying on my Mum to drive me out, cos its about 1.30hr from here. She was going to go visit a friend just so I could go for an hour or two (since I had no other way of getting there or getting home) and she thought it was sunday. I went to bed knowing it was today, but for some reason when I woke up, I remembered thinking "wait up, today is only the 15th....Wow, thank God I checked that... that would be so embarrassing turning up today." That was about 10am, then I mosied around the house for awhile and watched TV and at about 12, I was checking a forum that I frequent, and I remembered a bulletin the artist posted about an album coming out "on the 16th" and at midnight he said, "you can buy it today!" .... and then it dawned on me. (Isn't it effed up how things dawn on you like that?) so I rush out to my Mum thinking it wasn't too late, I'd just have to get dressed and I'd be late.

I yelled at my Mum for not reminding me. We got in to a fight (she was still in her pajamas) she says "too bad, it's too late." She too, apparently thought it was tomorrow. So she refused to do anything about it. So I had to call and cancel.

I'm really, really upset about it. And bless her she was so understanding, but gosh, if it were me, I'd be so pissed and I'd be wondering where my friend's priorities are... I am trying to think of other ways to get there, but unfortunately they don't come with ways to get back...

I'm the biggest asshole friend on the face of the planet, and Caro, it's okay if you feel that way too. :( I promise I would never have wanted to miss it in a million years.

At last some progress...

2006-09-14T13:45:00.000+10:00

Thank the good Lord for Ice Gel which numbs all my troubles away...

So we're making slow and steady progress. After spending the past 4 days bawling my eyes out like a 5 yr old in absolute agony, I feel slightly better. My legs aren't aching as hardcore as they were, and it seems afforementioned stupid doctor may not have been so stupid after all. Oopsie. However, that doesn't take away the fact that she was dumb for not listening when I said I was in so much pain that panadol wasn't doing anything.

I have things planned next week so I really hope that I feel better. Also, Caro has her wedding party this weekend and I want to be better by then. Since, I still don't have my car (we put it in to be fixed on monday) I'm having my Mum drive me out to Caro's which is cool. I don't know how long I'll stay, I guess it depends on how my stupid legs are going.

In other news, Penny and I were very excited to know that Placebo are in fact in Australia. I'm an idiot though, cause I haven't been keeping up with any gig guides over the past few months and I had no idea they were even touring. And in fact, if I wasn't so sick and had a bit of initiative about me, I could have got tickets to see them at Rove the other night. If their concert was in October, I'd have loved to have gone, but the concert is here in Melbourne on Friday night and well... I don't really have any money to be throwing around at gigs anymore. Next time. Did I mention that Brian Molko has such pretty eyes??

Anyhoozle. At least I can sit at the computer for more than half an hour without wanting to go and eat a bowl full of painkillers and pass out in bed for a couple of days.

Thanks to everyone for your lovely thoughtful messages. I hope I continue to get better from here on. I don't want to speak too soon though.
xoxo
Jess

Viral Arthritis... is it even possible?

2006-09-12T22:35:00.000+10:00

Ok here's medical report #423044.

I went back to the dr today okay. 3 days ago, I woke up to pain in my legs, over the day it got progressively worse til yesterday afternoon, I was crying in pain. The only relief I could get was lying in the one spot and not moving at all for hours. I slept as much as I could. I slept til about 2pm, went back to sleep at 4pm, and went to bed around 9:30pm. The pain started from my thighs to my lower shins. Just a dull ache. No swelling, no redness, no muscular ache. It wasn't even sore to the touch. My joints just ached really bad and I couldn't get comfortable.

I couldn't sit up for more than a few minutes at a time. I couldn't walk around much. The only time I experienced full pain relief was when I was lying in the bathtub of really hot water. After the bath I had temporary pain relief, and eventually just had to go and lay down again.

I woke up this morning with the same. Crying my eyes out all morning. Finally, I went back to the doctor only to be informed she was running really late. I wasn't able to sit up for that long, so I asked to see the next available doctor. I made my Mum come with me this time. The dr I saw, looked all of about 12 yrs old. She hardly spoke English and so we explained my symptoms. She checked me over. I told her about my main concern, my legs...

She asked questions. I told her it was just pain. She tells Mum that it's probably because of the virus that I've just had and that it's in my bones. She said, "viral arthritis." Rightio then. She said "You'll probably find it'll get better by about two weeks."

TWO WEEKS???? I'm sorry lady, I can't handle it for even 1 more day :( :( :(

She tells me, "take paracetamol." Good Lord... if paracetamol helped me, do you think I'd even be here?? My Mum said to her, "She was up all night crying in pain, paracetamol isn't doing a thing." she paused for like ... 15 seconds and then nodded knowingly and said again, "Take paracetamol..."

.... wha... ???

What a bloody waste of time. I got home, fell back in to bed and cried all afternoon. I had a bath and rubbed ice gel in to it. And it's given me some pain relief, thankfully, I am able to sit up for a bit. I can feel the pain still but it's not as bad as it was earlier. I'm not crying anymore? I hope that it gets progressively better, because right now it hurts so much. :(

I have a wedding party to go to this weekend, and also I have stuff planned next week. :(:( I've been praying a lot about this illness, cos I feel like it's really brought me right down in an already crappy few weeks, but I just want to feel completely well. I hope that this, like everything else will pass, God willing.

xox
Jess

Why oh why won't you go away?

2006-09-11T15:33:00.000+10:00

My bones hurt. I know that sounds funny, but my chest bone, tailbone, spine, my hip bones, my ribs, my knees, my shins... everything aches. It hurts to be sitting up and it hurts to be laying down. It hurts to put any pressure on any of them. It's really painful and nothing is relieving it. It started to get progressively worse over yesterday. I've tried to sleep it off but it didn't work. I spent all morning until about 2pm today trying to sleep it off, but it's still as painful as it was last night.

I'm so over being sick. The whole coughing thing, the feeling of constant indigestion. Ouch. And damn my freakin really poor lung capacity. It'd be great if I could cough without feeling like I'm going to become deprived of oxygen in the process. *Punches self in lung*

:( My Mum tells me the aching bones thing is just the virus, but I'm not convinced. I'm going to go back to the drs tomorrow. Which reminds me, I need to take my antibiotics. I keep forgetting.

:(:(

Day 6 of the dreaded virus.

2006-09-09T15:14:00.000+10:00

Yuck :(

I've been sitting at the computer for small intervals throughout the past 2 days, so I know I'm getting better slowly. My head hurts still so much. My taste buds no longer work. My right ear is blocked and it's bugging the crap out of me. I've probably lost a few kgs cos I have hardly eaten anything.

I'm all coughed out. Literally. I'm sure that over the past three nights my Mum and stepfather have wanted to break in to my room and actually smother me with a pillow. Each time I'd fall asleep I'd be woken up again by my own coughing. It's really hard for me when I get a really deep chest cough cos it's difficult to find the lung capacity to inhale deep enough to cough it out. It usually takes a good couple of minutes to cough up each turn. It's frustrating and it gives me the worst chest pains and headaches. Imagine the annoying sound of a constant cough?

Each time I'd wake up and do that I'd see my dog looking at me at the end of my bed with an evil twinkle in her eye pretending to sleep on the pillow, but I'm sure seconds prior to my waking, she was about to suffocate me with it.

Anyway, since I have no idea where my good ol'e trusty vapouriser disappeared to (I have a strange suspicion some bright spark gave it to my neice) my Mum is currently trying to push me into buying a new one. I'm such a scrooge though at the moment, and don't really want to fork over the money when I know my cough should completely leave me in about a month (haha).

I have to go back to the dr on tuesday. My back and my tummy are in so much coughing pain... Or perhaps more straining from the cough. I still need more rest tho. It's just such crap to be so sick. I hate it. blah.

I just had a spaghetti sandwich which tasted like pineapple (my taste buds are screwed, I tell you) and for some reason everything I drink tastes like cheap alcohol (and I don't really like alcohol).

So that's about that for now. I'm going back to lay down and inevitably watch more episodes of the Fresh Prince (yes, I know, there's only so many episodes, but I've watched a couple multiple times now... I'm really that sad.)

Jess

Sunday Scribbling #24 - I would never write...

2006-09-08T10:38:00.000+10:00

I’ve had my very own online journal since diaryland opened in 1998 (that’s 8 years ago!) and in that time I have made many mistakes with the posting of private information about myself, my friends and other people. I would write freely, naively thinking that the only people reading were one or two close friends.

I got popular and moved on to my own self-made website blog. I no longer referred to friends as single initials. My blogs then included pictures and more detailed information. All of my online friends and all of my offline friends would read. Knowing this, whenever I’d have a fight with a friend, I would post about it cryptically on my journal, leaving all of my friends wondering if it was them that I was slurring and bitching about. I kinda liked causing a bit of drama, it kept things interesting.

Then something happened. I felt momentarily upset about a stupid incident with my very best friend. So, what did I do? I wrote her a letter. I posted it on my journal. It was clear to all of my readers who I was talking about. I left out names of course, but it wasn’t rocket science. I listed all of her faults, and listing my only fault was thinking that she cared about me. This was letter was single-handedly responsible for ending a 5 year long inseparable friendship with one of the closest friends I’d ever had.

It was all because of an irrational, and only temporary feeling. If I had slept on it before posting it and still felt the same way in the morning then things would have been different. But because of all the words that I acted as if had bled out of me after just a little grazing, I hurt my friend irreparably.

Months later, apologies were made amicably, though things had just been too far damaged to actually just move on and grow as friends. And I didn’t blame her at all.

So since then I have learned a very precious and valuable lesson.

I will never ever write a letter to one of my friends online. Write cryptically about an argument I’ve had with one of my friends hoping that she/he reads what I’ve written about them and feels hurt, I will never try to stir any drama through my blog or write in too much detail about my friends or family’s lives. I will never write their names unless I know that it’s completely okay with them.

And 4 years since I wrote that silly letter on my website, said best-friend and I have only just completely reconciled and are in constant and completely comfortable contact again. For that, I am so supremely grateful.

http://sundayscribblings.blogspot.com

I'm so pathetic, picture this...

2006-09-06T18:26:00.000+10:00

I stayed up all night sleeping in only short intervals, writhing around groaning in absolute pain. I was so exhausted from coughing. I couldn't breathe. I was taking as many shots of ventolin as possible (my heart was beating so freakin' hard) and my head felt really heavy with a migraine that wouldn't go away, even after I slept for a short spell.

I woke up crying and coughing even more but so much that it hurt. My chest rattling, etc. I made an appointment for the dr. I wanted to vomit so bad, but was holding back (I haven't vomited "properly" in ten years, normally I spit up a little by little until I feel satisfied.) So I sat in the drs office bawling my eyes out cos I wanted to throw up so bad. They kept asking if I was okay. I was dizzy and freezing cold. The dr. brought me in to her office and asked if I was fine. I said, "I want to vomitttttttt...." She looked at me like I had two heads, "So vomit?" I said, "I don't wanna vomittttttttttttt...." as I started crying again... She said nothing and sat down haha.

See, I will do anything to get around vomiting, because even though I know I'm "okay" the last time I vomited, I had a major hammorhage and lost about 1 litre and some of bloody and ended up for months in hospital. So perhaps it's a justified phobia. She told me that I have some kind of viral infection and gave me a buttload of antibiotics. She also told me that I had a fever which was why I was so freakin' cold. She basically told me to come home and come straight to bed and not get out lol. (Here I am?)

I've slept for most of the day.... and am taking my antibiotics and paracetamol. But my head still feels so bloody heavy. My Mum is also a little bit better, but we're both feeling really crap. Chest pains ahoy. Sore coughing tummys. I've been laying in bed watching endless Fresh Prince of Bel-air episodes with a cold towel on my head.

And so basically this entry was to paint a picture to you of how much of a whiney baby I am. I'm definitely not a silent trooper haha.

Running man, YEAH!

2006-09-05T20:14:00.000+10:00

My obsession with the 1990s prevails me.

Sick, sick, always bloody sick.

2006-09-04T19:51:00.000+10:00

My Mum has a really bad chest infection. Next week she has to go for a lung test to make sure she doesn't has emphesema since it runs in the fam. Superb.

Somehow I managed to pick up her bug. I have a really heavy cough sitting on my chest that feels really sharp to cough up. I was convinced a little earlier that I was coughing blood cos it tasted all metallic, but of course I was too scared to check. Now I'm convinced I'm just a paranoid moron most of the time.

Anyway, I hope that I don't get as sick as my Mum. I haven't seen her since saturday afternoon. Shes been in bed. I have started taking all the ventolin and the seretide that we have stocked. I'm the resident drug addict -- at least in this household anyway.

I feel like crap. I have a huge headache and my chest kinda hurts. I have the worst after-cough taste in my mouth so I think I'll be all drugged up and in bed early tonight.

BAH!

Sunday Scribblings: #23 Fortune Cookies

2006-09-03T10:07:00.000+10:00

When I think of fortune cookies, I think of fortunes that never ring true – or things that are most obvious. The last time I got a fortune cookie, I was at a restaurant with my Aunt and my Mum. I decided it would be amusing to rumple up the stupid fortune which I knew would never come true, in to a ball.

I lodged the ball in to the end of my drinking straw and shot it at my Mum. I think they were so shocked by my very mature actions that they both just laughed and warned me to cut-it-out. That’s right, you can’t take me anywhere. I’m sure that was the last time anyone from that place will pass me a stupid fortune cookie.

And what’s the g-o with how they taste?! I’m sure if I went home and munched on a piece of dry wall it’d taste about the same. I’m no expert, and I don’t regularly gnaw on dry wall for fun, but if I were to, that’s what I assume it would taste like.

Fortune cookies remind me of The Simpsons. (Everything in life comes back to the Simpsons) when Homer is employed to write the fortunes. He writes one for Mr. Burns saying, “You will find love on Flag Day.” And that day happens to be Flag Day. When the Chinese delivery boy asks for a tip, Mr. Burns puts on a fake accent and says, “Me sowwy, me no speak no Chinese.” And I laughed at it’s inappropriateness.

I read recently on a site that had engagement suggestions, how to pop the question. One of the suggestions was putting the engagement ring in to a fortune cookie. WHAT THE DIDDLY WHAT?! Who actually would do such a gay thing?! (Yes, I’m one of those youngin’s who replace words like ‘stupid’ and ‘ridiculous’ with ‘gay’) Firstly, whatever happened to popping the question like a normal person by getting down on one knee, taking her hand and asking for marriage? And secondly, is that trying to make a statement by saying that you are her fortune? A bit presumptuous mate. If someone proposed to me like that (which, let’s face it, is probably never going to happen.) I’d say no, just because the proposal idea was so dumb – and not to mention, I have a thing about food tampering.

And so that’s my friends, is my Sunday Scribbling on Fortune Cookies.

It must have been cold out in my shadow...

2006-09-02T23:21:00.000+10:00

I hate myself.
Firstly, my friend called me and I said I couldn't hear him. So he said he'd call back. And I purposely let it ring out cause I didn't want to talk.
I opened my bible up to Acts... I started reading but couldn't concentrate
So I just watched Beaches instead with Bette Midler.
And I've cried so hard since it's ended that I've given myself a huge headache and my head is so full of snot.
I'm feeling depressed.
I just want to sleep, but can't, as soon as there's quiet and I'm left to think about things before sleep, I find my eyes filling up with tears.
I'm so pathetic when I'm like this.

I hate being like this.

I don't need anybody else cos....

2006-09-02T12:27:00.000+10:00

Last night I tried reading the book of Isaiah. I read three chapters, I think. I've read bits and pieces before, but haven't really tried to read it all... To be completely honest, I felt confused. There's so many names and so many places that I forget who's who and where that place is, and who the kings are of what, and why oh why is Jerusalem a whore?! lol. And man, God's so angry. :(

I have a lot of trouble reading a lot of the Old Testament, actually. It's so... blood and guts and God shaking his fist and wanting to kill everyone for their transgressions. I read the book of Job last year and I think that that's the first and only OT book that I've managed to read through and enjoy. The rest is so ... hard and confusing. They're referring to the Lord of David, the Lord of Jacob ... is this not the same Lord?! Ahhh. Confusing. I gave up and turned to the Psalms instead, cause I wasn't getting too much comfort from God through Isaiah. :/

Ebaying going well. I put a pair of pajamas on ebay. They are second hand, that I've worn a bit and made no secret of it. Well, I put a $5 price on it, thinking that I'd probably drop it down cos I didn't even expect them to go for that much... They are pretty cute and they're licenced Scooby Doo PJs... but still... They have 9 bids and are at $20.50! Whoo hoo!

I'm still waiting to be paid for three jobs, and then I can get my car fixed and it seems again as though I have bills coming out of my ears. I'm trying to be really, really careful with money... Trying. (Sometimes failing). I know I have to get priorities straight in terms of bills though because I'm planning to go to Sydney next month and I'll need to put a little bit aside each week for that.

Meanwhile... I'm bored. I need a new project on the internet to keep me amused. My friend and I started this ---> http://mjjinsider.blogspot.com awhile ago... and we killed ourselves laughing at our great wit -- then obviously a couple days later decided we couldn't be bothered anymore, but I wish I had the creative energy to keep poking fun of the news. I want to do something that requires more of my brain than playing tetris or bloody slide puzzle games online.

Australian Idol is pretty cool this year. My favourites are; Reigan Derry, Damien (the Irish guy), Nathanial, Lisa Mitchell (just cos she's cute and reminds me a bit of Dorin) and pretty Ricky. Oh, Jessica Mauboy is good and so is Joseph... Now that I've named half of the top 12, I'm off to go and have a shower and wash my hair. Saturday afternoon special.

My Mum has gone for a job interview today. It annoys me a little that here I am in my 22 yr old glory, and can't get a supermarket job, but my Mum who's 50 can get an interview. WHAT DO THEY WANT FROM ME!? ... Anyway, I hope she gets it. I won't have to hear as many money woes and we'll possibly have more groceries, hence this will alleviate me from having to spend so much money each week on food.

September, the bad month...

2006-08-31T21:38:00.000+10:00

Dad always told me that September was a hideous month. For him, it was always filled with bad luck, trials and tribulations starting with his parents divorce as a child. He told me this in September 2002 when he was hit with a ridiculously unfair $25,000 lawsuit no thanks to his then-partner with who had a big mouth. The next September his step-father died very suddenly of a heart attack. September 2004 my aunt was admitted to hospital and had to have a surgery for an annuerism. September 2005 that aunt died of lung cancer.

At around 8:30am this morning my Dad called me. He thinly vieled this call as one to just quickly tell me that he was mailing me some car insurance forms from home. There was an air of lingering awkwardness. There was a sweetness in his voice that I was surprised to hear. He had littered the conversation with petnames which isn't too much like my Dad. As there was that moment of silence where he was about to end the call, I asked, "How are you? Is everything cool?"

His voice turned really dark and sad and he said with a bit of an awkward laugh, "No not really..." Immediately I knew something was wrong. I've heard that voice on my Dad far too much in concern of my brother. I asked him what had happened, thinking that the story he'd relayed to me about my brother last week had checked out and he was upset with everything. Instead, he shocked me with, "C. has cancer." I felt like a bomb had been dropped on me. C. is my Dad's girlfriend of just on ten years. I tried to ask a million questions at once. What type, wha, how? why? how bad? etc... He was almost whispering and said he couldn't say much cos she was around, but he was on his way to the hospital to meet with the dr about it with her. He promised he'd call me back over the weekend with more details.

C. is the reason for my dad's happiness. She is the reason that I have a great relationship with my Dad. She is the reason why my Dad hasn't choked or disowned my brother. She has always been there for my brother and I and has always opened up her heart to us and with her, we know we have a second mother. I spent pretty much the past 8 years living with her and my Dad, including her as part of my family. I remember just how gutting it was last year when Dad told me that she was concerned that I had grown to dislike her... I never, ever wanted her to think that, because if anything, I loved C. from the first night I ever met her.

I ended the conversation with Dad quickly. Burst in to tears and went to tell my Mum. She consoled me and advised me not to start to worry until we have more details. It was on my mind all day and .... I actually forgot to go to work. Thank goodness they're a completely understanding bunch.

I tried to sleep all afternoon away, I haven't wanted to think about it or worry but I just can't help it.

Valan called me earlier to find out how I was feeling, during that time Dad called as well. So I spoke to him again for about 10 minutes. I thankfully got more details. She has cancer of the ovaries (I think) and has to have a full hysterectemy (sp?) but they still don't know the extent of how far it's spread. Apparently the chances of treating it are good. My Dad said there's four stages of treating it. He's still really shaken up but says that they both feel a bit more positive now. He said, "I can imagine it happening to me, but not to her." :(

He said they're waiting for test results... I'm still really quite worried. I'm scared for her and scared for my Dad and I don't want him to lose another loved one to cancer. She's only 51 and she's such an awesome, happy, vibrant woman. It's going to be a fight ahead of them, regardless.

I obviously still don't know a lot, but hopefully I'll have better news next time...

Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. I also, like my Dad, don't want to lose another loved one, especially not C.

:(

A Walk To Remember...

2006-08-30T23:58:00.000+10:00

I was thinking about this time last year. I was in Sydney with a male friend who, for so long, I thought that I was desperately in love with. Then I got over it sometime in 2004. I liked him a lot, my parents liked him a lot. He was funny, intelligent, warm and we get along so ridiculously well. I liked him because he found me to be one of the funniest people he'd ever met, and it's hard to find someone that may not "get" me entirely, but appreciates my wit, non-the-less (without thinking I'm strange lol) ...

We were in the city, and we were on our way to somewhere. It was a beautiful day, in fact boiling hot. I drove to his house, picked him up and we drove in my foul hot car all the way to Sydney. We decided not to go to the place we were headed straight away, but instead went for a walk in the sun. We walked side by side and for the first time in a long time, those feelings that I originally had for him started to come back. I wanted to grab for his hand, but of course didn't. We went and bought ice cream and sat on a bench and ate, talking, laughing, making fun... We then spent the afternoon at a party, and then together we went to eat our favourite kind of food afterward.

I dropped him home later that night and admitted to myself that I still had residue feelings for him.

I talked to him for about 4 hours the other night... and realised that almost another year on and I still have some residue feelings for him.

But maybe I like the idea more of finding someone who is good looking, smart and funny who likes me just fine in return. Someone that I'm not intimidated or scared of being myself around -- I'm rarely myself with the opposite sex, so perhaps I just find it refreshing to be once again in the presence of a guy who really appreciates me.

Or ... I'm lonely and want a boyfriend.

Speaking of Michael Jackson ... Oh wait, we weren't. Anyway.

Happy 48th birthday Michael Jackson. Thank you for the beautiful memories, the love, the music, the kindness, the friendships, the happiest day experiences of my life and for the life that you have always shared with us, your fans. I love you!

Thank God for clear skin. Can I just say that?! Thank God for foundation that makes me look like I have flawless skin.

Now if only my face looked this good in person. Grr.

Stupid.

2006-08-27T18:35:00.000+10:00

I'm going dr searching again. Swollen leg seems pretty serious. Why meeeeeeeeeeeeee *whine* ... I hate Drs (No offense if you're reading this Antonia, I love you very much ;)) and I hate not feeling "right" ... I'm thinking worst case scenario, I have a clot. My leg is going to turn blue and drop off and it's okay cause I have another spare leg. (No, I don't have three legs, but at least I do have two of these.) ... and so ... yeah I need to find out what the go is with it.

:(

In an interesting turn of events...

2006-08-23T00:40:00.000+10:00

My brother's secret is out. To be honest, its a relief. I didn't let on that I knew, but the right person found out and therefore they can deal with it a whole lot better than I could deal with it.

My friend Louise's grandmother died the other day. I spent a lot of time at her grandparents house (she lived with them) in my early teens and I was always warmly welcomed in to their home and it a very unexpected, therefore probably shocking loss to her children and grandchildren. So, I wanted to extend my prayers and condolences to her family and friends and ask that you guys also would as well. & Of course, may she rest in peace at the hands of Almighty God.

xox God Bless.

:( my sore foot.

2006-08-21T21:11:00.000+10:00

I've damaged my foot some how. I woke up thursday morning with a stupid limp. It's not swollen or bruised or anything and as far as I know, I haven't hit it or done something that might cause it to hurt so much. The only thing I can think of is my awful habit of sitting on my foot. On thursday I was on the computer the whole day right up until around 2am friday morning and I'll bet that for most of that time I was sitting on my foot. Perhaps its something to do with circulation. Around my ankle it hurts, pain shooting up the back of my heel and a hard dull ache.

If it's not gone by wednesday I'm going to go back to the doctor and see what's going on. It might be veins, I have some really gross veins in my legs that sometimes hurt.

In other news, I feel Taller, Stronger & Better -- and this is why;

Fill us with the light of day.

2006-08-19T01:26:00.000+10:00

God is really working a wonder in my life right now.

I can't really explain it, but I asked for help almost two weeks ago now. I asked for freedom within my heart, an alleviation of everything that I felt to be encumbering me and stressing me to unnecessary lengths. It was a short and silent prayer that I said while in the shower -- sometimes really the only 'alone' time I get where I can concentrate and think entirely about God.

Well, I feel like something has changed. It's not like one of those things where you're gonna feel good for a few days and then all of a sudden something will happen and you're back down in the dumps -- I feel like I've just been graced with a new attitude. One that's less filled with less laziness and more of a willingness to make the effort to change really terrible habits that were ruling my life. I need to convince myself to stop thinking about things and just do them, because that's the only way they're going to get done. Telling myself over and over that I have to do something sure isn't doing anything.

Sometimes it's hard to get myself started, but once I do, I'm fine.

I've been really busy with things lately and I like it. I haven't been online (surfing the net) as much as usual (which is good cos I've just stopped to breathe and there's absolutely nothing to take a look at). I'm still making some money, and I have another job that I'll get started on in the morning.

I'm going to Caro's house tomorrow at some point and on Sunday we're going to the Open day at AC University so I can look in to courses and figure out what I have to do to apply for next year. Yeehee. I'm so excited about going back to study!

I also would like to thank God for sending me a friend that always understands, no matter what. And for giving me the graces to be the friend that she choses to place her trust in to with confidence that I will never judge her. What an honour. :)

xoxox
God Bless, folks.

I love you so much more than arithmetic

2006-08-16T02:12:00.000+10:00

Yup, as my lovely Mariah Carey always likes to say, "There'll always be a rainbow after the storm" (I wonder if there will ever be a Mariah Carey wearing appropriate clothing after the rainbow.)

Let's do a little summary.
Bank account one - $45
Bank account two - $170
Bank account three - $0 (thats ok, its just new)
Pending transfer to bank account one from account four - $40
Pending transfer of ebay payment $30
Data entry work $200+
New web design job $130+
Pending payment of 2 bags $60
Paypal account $88

Now, I'm not very good at maths, but I'm pretty sure that almost equals A FIXED FREAKIN CAR

Oh joy, Oh rapture, oh sweet jubuilation!!!!!1111

Let's keep those orders coming, people!!! I'm ebaying my bloody life away... or so it seems. Check out my auctions here, you never know, maybe you want something from me!! haha. (Doubtful.)

God Bless
x

Somewhere over the rainbow...

2006-08-14T23:52:00.000+10:00

So maybe the sun will shine for a little bit. I know I'm praying for it, but I don't want to count the chickens before they hatch.

Basically, today I went to the auto repairs to buy a new battery for my car. Coincidentally, its out of registration today. I picked up a used battery for $20. Brilliant. See, I only need the battery so that my car will actually run and it'll have enough energy to drive it down the street to the mechanic.

They recommended a mechanic to Mum and I. We went there to maybe try to get a rough estimate of how much it would cost. For those who don't know what happened to my stupid car, you can read about it here. (The saddest day of my life.....almost) So we went around there and the man told us that if the headgasket isnt cracked, and if it's just blown, then it should only be around $400-600 to fix. That to me is GREAT. If it is cracked then I'm looking at around $1000 (if that's the case, I might just get rid of the car). He said that the fact that the car is even still going is a really good sign. (I drove it about 25 minutes after I originally blew it.) If thats the case, and I can get it fixed for under $800, I'm very happy. I'll pay for it. I then have to get the registration changed over to Victoria, which means it has to get tested to make sure that it's roadworthy.

I think that something shifty was conducted to get it to pass registration before, because I know that there was an oil leak. In fact, I think that's what caused the blown headgasket to begin with. So! I want to pay to ensure the entire thing is roadworthy, that way I should be able to ensure that I will get at least another year or two's use out of it. So all up with registration, I might be looking at around $1200 to fix up completely and let me tell you, that is okay with me.

I'm very poor at the moment, but I am doing a little data entry work and all the money that I've been making with my bags is slowly adding up. As soon as my car is fixed my job options just completely widen and I have that huge air of independance again. I can even apply to Monash Uni out here and transfer later. I counted up all my money earlier (right down to the last dollars, seriously.) and I think I already have roughly around $300 saved without being paid for what I've already done data-entry wise (and have some that I'm currently doing) and I still have some money that I'm expecting from bags and other auctions that I've got going on ebay.

So please pray for me that it will all work out as it should. :)

xoxox

Now I'm a mini business...

2006-08-13T18:07:00.000+10:00

It started out as something I just tried for fun. And it turned out to be more. Oh yes, that's right... I'm talking about making tote bags. I guess it's keeping me and my Mum busy, and that's a good thing -- but I hate watching the money adding up so slowly. (I guess slowly is better than not at all.)

So here's a picture of one of my creations. I'm contemplating making my own one that says, "TEAM LACHEY" ... cause, Jessica Simpson is a tool, and I have a nice little crush on little beef cake Nick. haha. Oh right, the pictures... (Why is blogger so tempremental with adding them.)

They're selling quite well. I've extended myself to putting zippers and clasps on them, pockets and pencil holders on the inside... and personalising them more.

I have way too much spare time.

Get me a real job now!!!

Sunday Scribblings: Who Else Can I Still Be?

2006-08-12T03:54:00.000+10:00

I believed that I was going to be a writer. I dreamed of my books being held in the intense grasp of engrossed readers from nations afar.

But I never had enough faith in my own talent.

I wanted to be a journalist and aspired to become well-known and esteemed for the way I would write honestly, sway from shoddy tabloid sensationalism and only ever tell it like it was.

I dreamed of following on to university from high school, of having more close friends than I could count on my fingers and toes and admirers who found me attractive for the intellect that I held within my head and the way that I carried myself before much else.

But I was forced to quit high school well before that happened.

I wished to not be alone, to be confident. I wished that I could be more. I wished that I could find the strength to fix myself. I prayed to be healthy, to lead a normal life. I wanted to be more social, to find it easy to hold conversation. I wanted to have more faith, more passion, and less sadness.

I wanted to be happy.

Somewhere between a blur of a seemingly speeding clock I got lost.

Then I wanted to find myself – now or never.

I wanted to become all that I dreamed I could not.

I became a student again. I then became more.

I became faithful. I became passionate.

I became more social, and became a loyal friend.

Every single day I found myself writing, living, breathing, bleeding ink on to a page – I was already a writer.

I developed an infinite love for smaller children, thus a desire to become a teacher engulfed me.

At 22, I feel like I’ve lived my life already, but sometimes when I sit back and take stock, I realize I haven’t lived at all. There is so much more that I still want to be.

I can still travel the world.
I can still be a fancy shmancy make up artist.
I can still be the beacon of faith that will overflow in to other people.
I can still be somebody’s best friend, soul mate or loyal wife.I can still be a mother.
I can still be a teacher.

Someone taught me that being happy is only an emotion of momentary bliss, but living life, choosing to be joyful by taking the good with the bad is a lifestyle that will motivate me every single day.

It’s not too late for anything. And I can still choose joy.

Why does my heart feel so bad?

2006-08-09T23:33:00.000+10:00

I had a really bad nightmare that my dog was attacked and I could see her internal organs and rib cage just ripped apart and she was lying there staring at me clinging on to life, whimpering softly and I just cried and cried and I found out that she could be saved, but it was going to cost thousands of dollars that I just didn't have. It was so graphic and so real.

I woke up feeling so friggin traumatised.

My puppy is my life.

Time for a bit of honesty.

2006-08-09T02:05:00.000+10:00

I feel pigeon-holed.

I know that while it's possibly a very hypersensitive feeling to run with, it's an honest one.

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days (probably too much) and I feel really bitter toward a lot of people of whom I've had on a pedastel for so long and it is exactly therein that lies the problem.

A lot of it has to do with isolation. I'm far away from the people that I love, that I used to have fun with and I miss it, and I miss them. I feel like no one cares about me or makes an effort anymore. I feel like I'm out of sight and out of mind, yet I don't have the courage to confront people about it. I feel like people look down on me because I'm struggling to find my place in life. Most of my friends are hugely successful within everything that they are doing. Some of my friends have well-established careers and they are so brilliant at what they do -- or studying to become brilliant and well-established.

And here I am, struggling to find a job even as a friggin check-out chick. Why, oh why coles myer must one have to be a rocket scientist to find a job? Do I really have to result to handing in my CV to fast food outlets? Why is it so hard to find a job? I'm trying so hard. All I need is a quick job that I can stand for 3 or 4 months that will help me save a few thousand dollars to fix my car (or buy a new one) and get me out of this damn cess pool.

No one asks me what I'm up to anymore. I feel like I get shelved. People pick me up and put me back down until the next time they're bored, because I slot to everyones life quite well time-wise (on their time, nevermine) because lets face it, I don't have one of my own -- so I have to wait til they have time for me.

I feel like if I confront anyone about it I'll just sound like a whiney brat and I'll get the, "well I have a job." ... well sure, you might have a job and you might have a life, but my time is just as important as yours irrespective of how I like to spend it.

Yes I'm working and yes I love my job, but I really wish it a paying job. I know the experience is good -- but I really need money more than experience because I'm feeling so caved in right now and I need to get out of here in order to fix that. My car registration is due (and I need to decide if I'm keeping it or not) my bank account is depleted except for the very small savings that I do have and the bills keep coming (despite my efforts to try to minimise everything) ... and besides my work for St. Vin during the week to keep me occupied. I'm BORED out of my freaking brain.

And I really want to get into uni and show everyone who might be judging me, that I can become someone and something. And that my time may be used more constructively. Right now, unfortunately I don't have anyone to help me, to get me a job, to help me with money or to even encourage me. But to tell the truth, I really don't want that. I want to be able to say I did this on my own, because I know there will be more satisfaction in it...

I'm just so freaking sick of crying over it -- I just want the situation to end.

This "rough patch" has been lasting so ridiculously long and I just really want more than anything else in the world to be able to get ahead, not to feel so pathetic and failure-like for not being where I should be and for not having any support around me. Because you know what, dear friends, who never call, email or come to see me? I could really use your support and encouragement.

Thanks.
Bye.

We've had enough...

2006-08-06T14:26:00.000+10:00

Love was taken from a young life
And no one told her why
Her direction had a dim light
From one more violent crime
She innocently questioned why
Why her father had to die
She asked the men in blue
"How is it that you get to choose
Who will live and who will die
Did God say that you could decide?
You saw he didn't run
And that my daddy had no gun"

In the middle of a village
Within a distant land
Lies a poor boy with his broken toy
Too young to understand
He's awaken, ground is shaking
His father grabs his hand
Screaming crying, his wife's dying
Now he's left to explain
He innocently questioned why
Why his mother had to die
"Why did these soldiers come here for?
If they're for peace why is there war?
Did God say that they could decide
Who will live and who will die?
All my mama ever did
Was try to take care of her kids."
We're innocently standing by
Watching people losing lives
It seems as if we have no voice
It's time for us to make a choice
Only God could decide
Who will live and who will die
There's nothing that can't be done
If we raise our voice as one
They gotta hear it from me
They gotta hear it from you
They gotta hear it from us
We can't take it
We've already had enough

Sunday Scribblings: Who Else Might I Have Been?

2006-08-04T01:30:00.000+10:00

"Has there been a dramatic crossroads in your life? A road not taken? If you had taken a left turn instead of a right that day back in 1980... might your whole life had turned out differently?"

I let the darkness enshroud my troubled heart with such a dominating force that I am unable to wave away. It is ruling my life. It taints my intentions, my goodness and even my general ability to function normally.

I feel inferior, tactless and weary. I am tired of caring, tired of fighting and consider largely how easy it would be just to give up and lose it all. Quitting is something that I have very much accepted as a part of my style. I’ve learned to run so hard and so fast from places and from people without having to move my legs very far at all.

Physical endurance was never really my strong point anyway.

I look at relationships within my life with such bitterness. I feel myself pushing everyone away. It is sure easier than having to let them in on the biggest secret that I guard close to me. It is a secret that I naively assum they could never have guessed – that I am not perfect.

I throw tantrums when I’m alone. I yell. I scream, I cry and sometimes I even pray. I pray because I remember not so long ago when a stranger extended a hand of friendship to me – an invitation to see what they could see. I let fear take hold of me and I smacked that outstretched hand away, nevermind that curiosity had screamed at me to take a leap of faith. I pray because I want that opportunity to arise again, but I know it never will.

I long to be heard. I long to beg someone for help. I want guidance and understanding but I am not willing to put my heart on the line. Coupled with that darkness in my heart, is a myriad of shame, spite and extreme jealousy of everyone that seem to be able to smile with a peaceful mind.

Oh God, I hate those people…

I look at those around me with my eyes narrowed to slits, disbelieving, cynical and jaded. I feel like I’m superior, because living like this void of emotion, diffident to everything – I am safe. No one can hurt me because I keep the lock on the door to my heart safely deadlocked. I admit nothing. I want to feel nothing. In fact, I lay in bed and I sleep the days away. It sure beats those panic attacks that encumber me each time I leave the house.

I keep praying.

I want another sign that he doesn’t hate me. I know that he’s so disappointed that I was too scared to invite him in to my heart for tea and scrumpets the first time around, and I’m scared he won’t come knocking again.

And of course the biggest secret of all – I don’t want to be this lonely or this numb forever.

Come and see.

2006-08-02T21:58:00.000+10:00

The next day John was there again with two of his disciples.
When he saw Jesus passing by, he said, "Look, the Lamb of God!"
When the two disciples heard him say this, they followed Jesus.
Turning around, Jesus saw them following and asked, "What do you want?" They said, "Rabbi" (which means Teacher), "where are you staying?"
"Come," he replied, "and you will see." So they went and saw where he was staying, and spent that day with him. It was about the tenth hour.

The above scripture is one that we looked at tonight at RCIA. It was a passage that really stumped me at first. I took it very literally as always at first until I reread it through a few times and it came together.

Firstly, Jesus asks, "What do you want?" ... it's not as cut and dry as it seems. It's kind of a loaded question isn't it? "What do you want from? What are you looking for? How can I help you? Are you seeking something from me?" ...The desciples of John are clearly curious; they have questions. They want to know more about this man that everyone is referring to as "The lamb of God." -- Jesus gives them an even more loaded answer to their following question.

"Come and you will see." Sometimes in order to believe we need to see for ourselves. We don't necessarily want text book answers to questions that we have because we simply need to be shown. We need to learn our own mistakes, be given our own choices in life and take from something what we want, and see for ourselves. God gave us this choice through his only son, Jesus. He sent his dearly beloved to show us the way, to let us see God for ourselves. The desciples of John (The Baptist) took their leap of faith because they were searching, they were curious, they wanted to see for themselves. They not only had their questions answered, but they also chose to stay for the day with Jesus - and then became the first two desciples of Christ.

I look over my journey now and then and I realised that I came from such a frightening place. I wasn't as courageous at first to take the leap of faith. So many times Jesus wanted to show me the way -- so many times he was knocking at my door and I locked him out because I was too scared. I had a fear of Christ, of organised religion, of tradition and of sin that it kept me away from Him for so long. I was ashamed of my sin, my own darkness and hatred and was so self-indulgent that I knew if I let him in, I'd have to do away with all of those things upon making a promise to him.

You know, a good friend told me how normal it is to go through times of spiritual dryness, to not feel that constant "honeymoon" period with God, that it is those moments that stretch our strength and faith. I take solace in that because sometimes I find it so easy to just walk away from Him. I forget the promise that I made to Him through confirmation and baptism. I forget that He is the only one who is in control of me. He is the one who can give me the answers and show me the way without pulling out a textbook to give me the annoying text book answers that I could easily have found on my own. But thankfully I believe in a very forgiving and merciful God. I believe in a very compassionate Father who looks at me with fondness in his eyes. He feels my pain, wipes away my tears and always, always listens to me when I talk to him, even if I let my head believe that he doesn't really care. But when I'm caught in the eye of the storm, I lift my hands and my head in prayer. I tell Him everything that He already knows. I ask for His divine help, even if I'm confused and don't know how to convey it. He already knows. He touches me with His kind and healing hands. He cries with me. He comforts me. He accepts my apologies for trying to sort things out and be the master of my own destiny before I find My Way back on path, however shaky it must seem.

I have such a freedom in my heart knowing that Jesus Christ is the Truth -- all because I believe and am truly repentant from the abyss of my heart.

And like the disciples of John, I took Jesus' invitation to "Come and see"

Sometimes I get bitter..

2006-08-01T02:02:00.000+10:00

Should have trusted my own feelings but I silenced intuition
When you sacrificed your honesty
I believed that you would be there
To protect me and help me with all I'm going through
There's a joy to being free that you could have taken from me
But I found the strength to walk away
If you turn the pages and you look inside
There is nothing of me I feel that I have to hide
If you turn the tables and look at yourself
Is there something you fear that you would have to confess?
Many things will come to pass and I can live with that
I can't help but wonder when you'll get yours
I'm so happy I have moved on
I heard you are regretful but you sacrificed your dignity
With the power you have abused, you disgust me
And trust me, I'm not the only one
Haven't I already proved that I'm better off without you?
I'm so glad I walked away
For all the lies and your manipulation
For all the times I never felt good enough
You pushed me 'round and put me down
To satisfy your childish ego
For all the times that you made me feel worthless
The power struggles, now I couldn't care less
It's after you there's nothing you can do
What goes round comes round
Many things will come to pass and I can live with that
But... I can't help but to wonder when you'll get yours

Yeah okay, I'm superficial.

2006-07-29T02:22:00.000+10:00

I wanted to make a short post tonight about a good day that I had.

I know this is going to sound really superficial but, I don't mind -- lol. Last Sunday night I went out to It Takes Two again, the TV show. As usual it was pretty fun (it was my second time going) and (theres a big story to go along with it, but later). Afterwards I hung out with some friends and one sent me some photos on monday of our night and ... I actually wanted to cry.

I knew leading up to the weekend that my skin was really bad (my skin is notoriously bad) but I had zits, my whole left cheek was inflammed, red and discoloured and I thought I hid it well with some flimsy concealer I've been using for a little while. Well according to these photos, I was very wrong.

For those of you who are unaware... I'm a bit of a make up whore.... I love make up. But I find foundation, concealer, finishing powder, primer, etc all to be a pain in the butt... However, I really needed to sort that out.

So today I went to the Napoleon Perdis store -- my favourite brand at the moment. I needed a new foundation. The expensive one I have makes me look orange, the MAC one flakes my skin - the studio finish makes me look like my face spent time in a solarium -- blech.

I hate when I get patronised by salesclerks -- and usually all high-end up make-up counter working women patronise me or think that because I go in without make up (so I can test theirs!) means I have never picked up a make up brush in my life. Normally these salesclerks look down their nose at my pizza skin, or they patronise me by telling me, "it's just a few pimples." Right. I had one sales clerk go to apply foundation to my face with her fingers and then pause upon realising she had to touch my skin, then go get a brush (I don't blame her, but no need to be so obvious right after telling me my acne was nothing). And usually I walk out with a product that makes my skin look orange, wondering why on earth I took advice from someone who clearly had her make up gun set to "clown" that morning.

Oh yeah, I went to Napoleon. I must say, it was a breath of fresh air. A nice young and sweet sales clerk came to help out. She must have spent 40 minutes with me. She did my whole face in a foundation that she suggested (using her hands!) she didn't patronise me by telling me that my skin wasn't bad. In fact, she seemed to empathise with me. She chose the best foundation. It's brilliant. I didn't want something that was so heavy that people could see I was trying to cover up pizza on my face. I just wanted something to get rid of the discolouration and make my skin look even.

I found perfection in a foundation stick, "look2" from my good friends at Napoleon. She also gave me a sample of the auto pilot primer and I got a light bronzer. And I know it's so materialistic but I felt so brilliant that I won't have to walk around with this hideous looking skin.

On top of that I've began using my proactiv absolutely obsessively again and the antibiotics. God, please give me smooth skin sometime soon.

P.S I've also began exercising again to get rid of my fat grandmother tankles (tank ankles) -- I need to be less lazy and more active. OH AND I FINALLY GOT MY RENT DVD THAT I BOUGHT FROM EBAY ALMOST A MONTH AGO!!!!!!!!!111

WE'RE NOT GONNA PA-AY, WE'RE NOT GONNA PAAAAA-AAAAAAAY LAST YEARS RENT! THIS YEARS RENT! NEXT YEARS RENT! RENT! RENT! RENT!!!!!!!!1 .... I'm still going to marry Jesse L. Williams & Taye Diggs in the same ceremony before we ensue a lifetime of song -- it's just a matter of when. Taye & Jesse should never stop singing. Ever.